All in the Suit That You Wear
Deception / Brian Prisco
Wal-Mart scraped the bottom of the Seventeen Magazine trashcan to gather teen celebrities to hawk their latest line of fine clothing. Bright colorful ads feature stars decked out in summery ensembles hoping to lure hormonal herds of teens into the stores to snatch up the material in the belief that it’ll make them look stylish and sleek. But for all the marketing ploys and brand wizardry, the bottom line is you’re still buying shitty Wal-Mart quality merchandise stitched together by sweatshop urchins manacled to workbenches toiling away for their 12 cents a day and a fresh bowl of khab khalash. Gussy it up as sparkly as you can, but it’s still a piece of crap.
Such is the problem with the odious film Deception. For all its alluring Hugh Jackman-Ewan McGregor glamour, it is no more than a repackaged John Grisham-quality cable movie. It doesn’t even attempt to put a fresh twist or clever angle on old material. It basically snags a generic, blandly sexual corporate espionage thriller and bedazzles it with a couple of fading A-list rhinestones in the desperate hope you’ll be too overwhelmed by the shiny to realize what a terribly ugly product you’ve got in front of you.
It’s no surprise this shit heap was manufactured by director Marcel Langenegger, whose resume consists mostly of car commercials for Nissan. And that’s how this movie plays out: like one big, poorly produced commercial for a clunky car. It slithered out of the ear hole of Mark Bomback, author of such gems as The Night Caller and Godsend. He has made his career out of getting really good actors to say really terrible lines in really terrible movies. In fact, his biggest claim to fame was repurposing a tech magazine article on Internet terrorism into the I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Actually-Watchable Live Free or Die Hard.
Bomback didn’t so much write a script as he photocopied pages from every legal thriller ever made and then handed it in for a paycheck. You know how this movie works. McGregor plays Jonathan McQuarry, an accountant who does corporate audits and suddenly strikes up a friendship with slick lawyer Wyatt Bose (Jackman). They play tennis, they go out drinking, they’re best friends forever. On one of their dates together, their phones mysteriously get switched. John gets a mysterious phone call asking him if he’s free tonight. Mysteriously. John shows up, and gets introduced into the world of The List, a vibrantly creative name that must have taken hours to crank out. It’s a way for high-powered executives to go to expensive hotels and have lots of anonymous boring sex montages. But then John falls for the seductive “S” (Michelle Williams), whom he bumped into one time in a subway, so she must be the one for him. He doesn’t have sex with her; instead they exchange awkward pithy dialogue over hamburgers and fries. Afterwards, John doesn’t want to have wild sexy sex parties anymore, he only has thighs for his special lady.
But lo and behold! Just as the two of them are falling in love in the rain outside a Chinese restaurant — shudder — S disappears, leaving behind a pool of red karo syrup splattered on the bedspread and John knocked unconscious by an unknown assailant. I know this might come as a shock, but it turns out it was WYATT! I know, right?! Wyatt forces John to do an accounting scheme involving swiping $20 million from a slush fund hidden by one of his audit clients and then placing it in an account in Madrid. But wait, then John’s apartment explodes, and I then I drool myself into a coma losing two valuable hours of my life.
It’s easy to make a bad movie. But to round up a cast of this magnitude and then suck all the charisma and spirit out of them like Prince Humperdinck cranking his machine to 150 … well, I don’t want to use the word “auteur,” so I won’t. The film is inexplicably shot in dark blue with inexplicable, jarring angles and ridiculous closeups. A tense phone call ends, and we zoom in on Jackman’s eye like he’s the goddamn Dramatic Hamster. But it’s in teasing out the performances of the cast where Langenegger really lets his fuck-up flag fly.
Jackman is a charming bastard, but he wanders listlessly from suave to psychotic like Lindsay Lohan looking for her AA Chip. He’s only to be trumped by Ewan McGregor, who’s sporting the worst New York accent since Scarlett Johansson in Scoop. For some reason, the filmmakers decided if they give Ewan glasses and comb his hair, he’ll come off as a neurotic nebbish. Both of these actors ooze cover model machismo, specializing in characters that vibrate neon electric sensuality, but Langenegger has managed to strip them completely of any appeal whatsoever. They’ve gone from Grade-A chuck to boiled Irish stew.
Langenegger gathers an arsenal of females that would make Hugh Hefner swoon and essentially relegates them one of two roles: sex doll or wooden plot device. Had these merely been FHM fare, it would have been understandable. Natasha Henstridge shows up as the first fuckbuddy of the film, except they would have been better off hiring Bianca from Lars and the Real Girl. Henstridge had more personality seducing Bender as the Planet Express Ship. After this movie, I’ve decided Maggie Q (Rush Hour 2) is only allowed to be in movies where she spinkicks Hudson Hawk or the Mac Guy. OK, I understand. You’re throwing a lonely bone to the guys who want to see boobs. But to waste Charlotte Rampling on a throwaway Mrs. Robinsonesque expository scene? What, was Jane Seymour getting Botox? And poor Michelle Williams looks like they pulled her out of the receiving line at Heath Ledger’s funeral and let her wander forlornly from scene to scene looking lost.
The movie spends most of its time plodding along at a dreadful pace. Rather than getting involved in any semblance of suspense or drama, you spend most of the movie waiting endlessly for the other shoe to drop. McGregor’s apartment receives the ol’ Fight Club Cleaning Service about 45 minutes before the movie ends. Do they actually assume the audience is stupid enough to believe that he went up with the explosion? You almost wish that he actually died, because at least it would be fucking surprising. It was like watching Dave Foley’s M. Piedlourde play hackysack. I haven’t seen plot punches telegraphed so poorly since my three round bout against Soda Popinski. I haven’t seen things coming from this far away since my days as Dirk Diggler’s fluffer. I actually had the time to write all these jokes and test them on audience members during the movie while we were waiting for the obvious twists to be untwisted.
It all culminates in one of the most audaciously terrible endings ever captured on celluloid. Not only is it totally illogical and against character, but it’s also poorly performed and generally unsatisfying. It’s a quadruple threat! The only way I could have forgiven this movie is if it ended with Jackman schnicking out his adamantium claws while McGregor draws a lightsaber and they duel to the death. Or, if they both broke out in sudden glorious song and dance in the middle of a fountain. Or, if everyone was killed by chubby rain. All of which would have been more logical than how this really ended.
Brian Prisco is a warrior-poet from the valley of North Hollywood, by way of Philadelphia. He wastes most of his life in desk jobs, biding his time until he finally becomes an actor, a writer, or cannon fodder in the inevitable zombie invasion. He can be found shaking his fist and angrily shouting at clouds on his blog, The Gospel According to Prisco.
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Comments
Aw and I totally wanted to see this. Not because I thought it'd be good, but because I wanted to imagine a Ewan-Hugh-me three way. I've had a serious crush on Ewan McGregor since Moulin Rouge...mmm tasty. I even watched all those shitty Star Wars movies just to see him. Oh well, looks like I'll be throwing 7 dollars away (matinée showing, no way in hell I'm spending 12 on this POS)
Posted by: NotBlonde at April 26, 2008 3:27 PM
Oddly enough that's exactly what I felt from the trailer. Still, even if it's not that bad the plot wasn't grabbin me. Was "Stay" any good? "Cassandra's Dream"? Ewan had a fucked up accent in "Black Hawk Down" too, but I forgave him since I liked his cigarettes & coffee character.
When's he gonna make a movie with David Tennant? Gimme my Scottish man-love bonanza.
Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2008 3:30 PM
Is that a record time for Star Wars hate?
Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2008 3:32 PM
Just stopping by to mention that Planet Express Ship was (awesomely) voiced by Signourney Weaver. So Henstridge doesn't even have that to her credit.
Jay, "Stay" was godawful. My love for Ewan knows no bounds, but if it tells you anything, I'd watch "The Island" on 24 hour loop before I'd see "Stay" again. Inexplicably they managed to suck in Naomi Watts and Ryan Gosling, too, making it seemingly (since I haven't seen it) a good comparison for the excellent-actors-slumming-it-movie that is "Deception".
Posted by: because i'm a geek at April 26, 2008 4:08 PM
suck all the charisma and spirit out of them like Prince Humperdinck cranking his machine to 150 ...
Great Princess Bride reference. Pity that this movie isn't as good as the one alluded to.
Posted by: The Wanderer at April 26, 2008 4:15 PM
I didn't want to go along with you here at all, because Ewan. Hugh. Nom x 3!
But, then you gave me the hamster, princess bride, futurama, hudson hawk, mrs. robinson, diggler, wolverine and an Ewan/Hugh song and dance fantasy, and I'll follow you anywhere!
Not for me (unless I watch it with the sound off someday) but thanks for the imagery!
Posted by: replica at April 26, 2008 4:18 PM
also, are there no decent scripts AT ALL in Hollywood? Are they afraid they'll go hungry?
Posted by: replica at April 26, 2008 4:20 PM
Yeah I had to look that up, a lot of Princess Bride and Groening stuff tends to blow right past me.
Posted by: Jay at April 26, 2008 4:28 PM
Sorry to nitpick, but Sigorney Weaver was the voice of the Planet Express Ship who seduced Bender, you cute, cuddly tapir.
Posted by: ecp at April 26, 2008 4:29 PM
Also, couldn't anybody find a still from this torrid, sexually charged thriller of Ewan Macgregor not wearing a shirt? Doesn't that say more about the raw sensuality that's clearly lacking than anything else?
Posted by: ecp at April 26, 2008 4:32 PM
So, I think somewhere along the line I saw a trailer for this. But I'm not sure, because as I was reading I kept getting trailer-like images, but nothing I could attach them to. I suspect that now that this movie has been re-introduced to my consciousness, it will slip my mind like an egg in a teflon frying pan again.
Wait, what?
Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 26, 2008 4:43 PM
Jeez, even in that picture they look bored of themselves.
Posted by: jM at April 26, 2008 4:53 PM
Jay--Ewan McGregor plus David Tennant? Good GOD. That just made my brain freeze with awesome. And by awesome, I may or may not mean lust. Just add in a Torchwood storyline and I'm there.
Also, the trailer for this was too ridiculous for words. I'm so not surprised at its shittiness.
Posted by: kalexal at April 26, 2008 5:16 PM
Curses! You're absolutely right. Natasha Henstridge was Ms. Ellen on South Park. It was the wonderful Sigourney Weaver who was the Planet Express Ship. Still, Natasha Henstridge was better in a role she didn't play at all than she was in this.
Nobody fucks with Wendy Testaberger.
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at April 26, 2008 5:23 PM
YOU NERDS ARE EXTREMELY IMPRESSIVE. KNOWING SOUTH PARK FROM FUTURAMA VOICES, I TIP MY HAT. NO FAMILY GUY STUFF ? AND NUDITY YES OR NO IN THIS STINKER????
Posted by: PASADENAMIKE at April 26, 2008 6:30 PM
Khab khalash doesn't come in a bowl, it comes on a stick. It's great with a nice can of crab juice.
Posted by: Dave at April 26, 2008 6:30 PM
Damn, I was all set to make the SP/Futurama correction, and only about 50 people got there first.
I love this website.
Posted by: dsbs at April 26, 2008 6:55 PM
Nice reference to one of the great underrated Steve Martin films. I often think of chubby rain on a blustery afternoon.
Posted by: pollyanna at April 26, 2008 7:58 PM
ECP wrote:
Also, couldn't anybody find a still from this torrid, sexually charged thriller of Ewan Macgregor not wearing a shirt? Doesn't that say more about the raw sensuality that's clearly lacking than anything else?
And I respond:
I think the only chest revealed in this movie was Hugh's. We saw Ewan's butt, as I recall, but not much chest...
Yes, I went and saw this because I am totally obsessed with Hugh Jackman. The movie is disappointing but there is some good Hugh stuff. Ewan, not so much. He is even filmed with a pimple on his neck. Ewwwww....
It was a mediocre movie but I'll be honest, I have sat through much, much worse.
LHN
Posted by: LHN at April 26, 2008 8:14 PM
Great review. I was thinking of seeing this, but the trailer I saw on TV was giving out waves of 'this might be crap'. After reading this, well thanks for saving me some money!
Posted by: StephanieS at April 26, 2008 8:34 PM
For all its alluring Hugh Jackman-Ewan McGregor glamour, it is no more than a repackaged John Grisham-quality cable movie.
That is impossibly upsetting. I've made it a life goal to smack Ewan upside the head for "The Island" (rough, wicked hate sex optional), and now this is just one more reason why it has to happen sooner rather than later.
Posted by: J_Capri at April 26, 2008 8:55 PM
Mr. Prisco, did you ever work at a large bookstore in the heart of beantown?
Posted by: barabajagalla at April 26, 2008 8:58 PM
Dear Brian
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you there is no one else above you?
You fill your reviews with hampsters
Futurama, Mrs Robinson and Star Wars
And some Princess Bride too
Love Bethy
Posted by: Bethy at April 26, 2008 9:16 PM
Every time I signed in __ Bigblackconnect.com __ and there were always many women would talk to me ... It is a funny and interesting place to talk to these thoughtful women.
Posted by: Paris at April 26, 2008 10:39 PM
As much as I enjoy reading Pajiba, I really don't start smiling until I reach the spambot's comments.
They seem to be becoming more on-topic. Do you think they being converted to Pajiba-Love?
F
Posted by: frank_247 at April 26, 2008 11:46 PM
barabajagalla -- why, yes. yes, I did. I imagine you must be one of my coworkers, unless I left more of an impression on Jesse Jackson than I thought.
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at April 27, 2008 2:42 AM
I've been a huge fan of Ewan McGregor ever since I saw Trainspotting when I was far too young to do so (age 12, I believe). He came on the scene at a magical age for me, an age when I was just starting to realize how incredible and important movies can be. I was obsessed all throughout high school, but...damn. He's made some really shitty movies, hasn't he? I mean, for someone who's such a great actor and possesses such charisma, his track record isn't the greatest. It's such a shame. He really should make up with Danny Boyle, they had some spectacular collaborations.
Posted by: Mimi at April 27, 2008 4:05 AM
All in the suit that you wear. STP, nice.
Posted by: Bethie at April 27, 2008 4:09 AM
Prisco - nice work Punch-Out reference...
Posted by: Riles at April 27, 2008 5:08 AM
Mimi - Yeah, it makes me sad. It's becoming very hard to keep up my stoic belief that Ewan McGregor can do now wrong and is above all criticism when he continues to churn out this crap. For all his charm, intelligence and apparent common sense, his judgement could use some work. I'll just have to watch Trainspotting and Moulin Rouge again and pretend none of this ever happened...
Posted by: Gumble at April 27, 2008 8:11 AM
1. This review is phenom.
2. Jay, listen to because. My sister and I rented "Stay" because we figured even with Naomi Watts it would still be a sex fest. FALSE. I can't even describe how awful that movie is. But instead of "The Island" I would rather watch "Down With Love" for the rest of my life. Ew.
3. You know what they should've done with this movie? Substituted in Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki for Hugh and Ewan and then instead of whores, ghosts and we would've just had a longer than usual Supernatural episode. A "supersize" if you will. I love those boys.
Posted by: Kash at April 27, 2008 10:35 AM
I think I enjoyed this review more than the movie (and I didn't even see the movie).
" . . .The only way I could have forgiven this movie is if it ended with Jackman schnicking out his adamantium claws while McGregor draws a lightsaber and they duel to the death. Or, if they both broke out in sudden glorious song and dance in the middle of a fountain. . ."
I love that! I'd love it even more if they did both at the same time. A singing dancing duel to the death, in a fountain . . . everything's gonna get wet!
Posted by: BWeaves at April 27, 2008 12:58 PM
I love this review most because of the link to the dramatic hamster. That was a hoot! I don't go to YouTube very often, so it's good to be linked to the interesting stuff.
Posted by: rlr260 at April 27, 2008 2:05 PM
Honestly, when I saw the trailer for this I thought, "What a waste of a gorgeous cast", followed by, "I hope Wolverine and Obi-Wan have a good battle to the death over who should have told the other that they were in a shitty movie and should just leave". At least the trailer sounds like it accurately represents the suck-level of the movie.
Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at April 27, 2008 4:07 PM
Brian, you have quickly become my favorite reviewer on this site. I was *this* close to avoiding the film reviews altogether, and you reeled me back in. Thanks for appearing to have actually seen the film and for having something informative to say about it. Rock on!
Posted by: Tracy at April 27, 2008 4:25 PM
Because there have been an insane glut of commercials for this movie on TV, I had a strong feeling it would be somewhere in the vicinity of doggie poo.
Someone needs to hold Ewan's hand and help him pick bette movies
Posted by: Alabamapink at April 27, 2008 11:19 PM
" . . .The only way I could have forgiven this movie is if it ended with Jackman schnicking out his adamantium claws while McGregor draws a lightsaber and they duel to the death. Or, if they both broke out in sudden glorious song and dance in the middle of a fountain. . ."
I love that! I'd love it even more if they did both at the same time. A singing dancing duel to the death, in a fountain . . . everything's gonna get wet!
now THAT is a movie I would pay to see...
I love how the comments veer of into fantasy land when a movie is this crap...it keeps me coming back!
Posted by: rach at April 28, 2008 12:17 AM
Mr. Prisco...indeed, yes co worker. No other info offered. (Largely because after I pressed "post comment" it occured to me that MAYBE personal info shouldn't be offered in blog comments. But hey...didn't you find that both Jesse and Big Bill C had surprisingly flaccid handshakes?)
Posted by: Barabajagalla at April 28, 2008 2:17 AM
Lovely Hugh was on Rove last night (late night talkshow here in Aus) shilling for this film and Rove asked him jokingly why he should trust Hugh that this film was any good and Jackman just kind of laughed and shook his head and said he shouldn't or something along those lines. I took that as a sign.
Posted by: TallulahBelle at April 28, 2008 3:55 AM
Blerg - and I was so hoping this wasn't going to be as shit as it looked in the previews. I love Ewan in an unhealthy way, but its been ages since he's made a decent movie; I've been finding it preferable to see him on stage as of late. Though he's also in the room for those, so I can't help but swoon. But I know I'll see this, just because he's in it, despite knowing better from some of his past choices.
Also, Jay? Mentioning Tennant and Ewan in the same post made my brain implode a little from the hotness. And I would love a chance to see Tennant use his proper accent, as we don't get that nearly enough from him on TV. My addiction to the Scottish accent is in NO way responsible for the fact that I now live there...
Posted by: Ambiepony at April 28, 2008 8:35 AM
Yeah, about the only time one gets to hear Alan Cumming be Scottish is when he's telling hilarious stories on Conan O'Brien, or that bit at the end of "Spice World".
Hey, Elvis Costello was in it, I had to see it! But I don't regret it. Their show was fun too.
Sporty Forever!
Posted by: Jay at April 28, 2008 9:21 AM
She is cute and sexy. She is also my favorite. I saw her profile on "S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m " last week. It is said she is dating a young billionaire on that site now.
Posted by: Sam at April 28, 2008 11:20 AM
FTFA- The only way I could have forgiven this movie is if it ended with Jackman schnicking out his adamantium claws while McGregor draws a lightsaber and they duel to the death.
...huh.
Thank you. I'm just gonna go over there and ponder that for a minute.
/They're shirtless, right?
Posted by: that bees chick at April 28, 2008 12:55 PM
Is it wrong that I first feel in love with Ewan McGregor for Trainspotting? I think his character has informed my choices in men for the last two decades. I'm kind of creeping myself out...
Also - is spam now writing by Indian Dell Customer Service People? "It is said she is dating a young billionaire on that site now." What?
Posted by: Estelle at April 28, 2008 2:47 PM
Soda Popinski!
bahahahhahhaha oh man
you killed it in that last paragraph.
Posted by: CoolWhip11 at April 28, 2008 3:03 PM
What's the general consensus on Young Adam w/ Ewan? I actually really liked it, but I admittedly have very fucked up taste. thoughts?
Posted by: iheartlasagne at April 28, 2008 3:52 PM
Your review was 10 times better then the movie!
My favorite part was when Ewan left the 20+ Million in the suitcases at the park. Who needs 20+ million in cash when you are suspected for murder and all your account are frozen?
I'm going to find my tennis racket and strangle myself now!!
Posted by: Johh Dorothy at May 20, 2008 9:24 AM