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Henry Cavill's Most Constipated Facial Expressions from the 'Batman v Superman' Extended Cut

By Rebecca Pahle | DC Movies | July 19, 2016 | Comments ()

By Rebecca Pahle | DC Movies | July 19, 2016 |


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The extended edition of Batman v Superman comes out on DVD/Blu-ray today. With it, you get 30 extra minutes of the incessant, self-important grimness that makes BvS one of the worst films of 2016 so far. (Winnow BvS down to a slim 90 minutes, on the other hand, and I’m convinced you’d have a quite excellent, albeit unintentional, comedy. A gravelly-voiced Ben Affleck intoning “Do you bleed?… You will” is funnier by far than anything Adam Sandler’s done since The Wedding Singer.)

One of the effects of director Zack Snyder’s misguided attempt to pull a Single White Female on Broodmaster Flash Christopher Nolan is that Henry Cavill, playing Superman, gets to display none of the natural charisma he exhibited in The Man from U.N.C.L.E.. Instead, his Superman is a grimacing, downbeat bore who spends way too much of the Extended Edition’s 183 minute running time looking like he’s trying to squeeze out a particularly obstinate shit.

To wit:

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“Being a superhero is hard, and so are my bowel movements.”

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“Henry, just make yourself cough.” “I AM COUGHING.”

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“It’s been three days. Three. Days.”

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“I haven’t pooped in three days, and yet you’re the one who’s full of shit here, Bruce.”

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“Lois, where do we keep the Metamucil?”

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♫♪♫ And I don’t want the world to see me…. ‘cuz I don’t think that they’d understand. ♫♪♫

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HHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRR

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RRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

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“What do you mean he shoved a Jolly Rancher into your mouth? Who does that?”

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“Supes, Jesus, you’re going to pop a vein. Jog around the block or something.”

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“I’LL JOG AROUND YOUR MOTHER’S BLOCK.”

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“Wait, is something moving?”

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“NOPE.”

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OK, this one’s maybe a little unfair.

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“You know, Clark honey, you should really eat more fiber!”
“I KNOW, MARTHA, GOSH. I’VE HEARD YOUR LECTURE ABOUT FIBER LIKE 100 TIMES.”
[Bruce Wayne, running towards Clark and Martha from off in the distance] “Wait, did someone say ‘Martha’?!
[Wonder Woman, offscreen] “Why do you refer to your mother by her first name?


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