Pajiba

Dancing with the Pajibas

So that title triggered a Fantasia-like imagination sequence for me that I wish I could transfer to Skitt's brain so it could be properly (read: dementedly) written up.

And Seth, is there a circumstance where a herniated disc wouldn't be shitty? Maybe Make-a-Manga does 3-D effects so we could see just the top of Manga TV Whore's head as he's doubled over in pain...

(Mini-diversion -- who else you got for this category?)

David Schwimmer - Friends
Ray Romano - Anything
Michael Vartan - Alias

So Nathan Fillion has become Murder, She Wrote? S'okay, I love him still. But in my heart I weep tears of... blood, okay? I'm weeping in my heart!

Although this means that when I'm 75 I'll have some great reruns to plan my day around, cause you know this show'll end up in syndication on Hallmark between Matlock, M*A*S*H and Walker, Texas Ranger.

Mini Diversion:

David. Caruso. *whips off sunglasses* Blows...bigtime.

James "I don't want your life!" Van Der Beek.

AC Slater as Mario Lopez.

Callista "I don't know what you're talking about, I really am this skinny" Flockhart.

Also Vincent D'Onofrio (or however you spell it). I have no clever nickname or mime for him. I just hate that guy. Period.

Ava, I can get on board the CF sucks train, but Vincent? He's rocked me since Full Metal Jacket.

I second the previous vote for David Caruso first (briefly)in NYPD BLue and now the show equal in craptasticness to his acting, . Gak.

And yeah, who hates on Vincent D? C'mon! Edgar Bug!

Where do you keep your dead?

Bobby Cannavale, looks like a jackass.

Seriously

Ava, I'm glad I wasn't the only one weeping at the thought of Captain Hammer taking over for Angela Lansbury. Also, I hate to kick a Whore when he's down but I really thought you had to be pushing 80 to like Numb3rs. Quit trying to suck my youth and vitality CBS!

Mini-Diversion:

Mischa Barton. However bland McKenzie was, he never made me as physically ill as she did. The infamous lawn-chair freakout may be the worst example of ACTING (capitalisation utterly necessary) known to man.

I will defend my position on Vinny D until my death.

(I call him Vinny D because I know he probably hates it) Granted, he has some decent works. HOWEVER, he came to my high school drama class (every freaking year for three years) to do a (the same) talk on What It Takes To Be An Actor and I have never seen a more pretentious ass wipe in my life.

What It Takes To Be An Actor had such great moments as Acting Is A Calling and Producers Only Hire TALENTED People To Be on TV and No One Is Discovered In Soda Fountains Anymore--It Takes WORK--Ask Me About How I Sold A Kidney!

Anyway, I hate him. And I feel that his stint on Law & Order: Criminal Intent fully illustrates what a tee-total bastard the guy is. A few more seasons and he'll be up there with Caruso.

Ah, yes, Shay, the famous "Do you really know what's bothering me? Do you? Do you really wanna know what's on my mind? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" scene. Pure comedy gold.

Re: Diversion: I agree that McKenzie was pure suck on "The OC" but even he is rivaled by Penn Badgley of "Gossip Girl". His acting ranges from annoyed smug to patronizing smug to wounded puppy smug. That's about it. Although he still gets a lot of competition from his equally talented male GG co-stars.

Correction:

It's "AH don't won't yer LAHFF"

Yes, I disagree with the unlove for The Mighty Thor, but what can ya do? I hate plenty of Pajiba darlings. It's just too bad Vincent and Adam Baldwin couldn't get a scene together. It's like "The Godfather II", man!

For Fillion, I will watch Matlock She Wrote. Shit, for Fillion I'd watch Dancing With the Stars.

Also, I'm not 80 and I liked Numb3rs. Well, the occasional random episodes I watched.

So Nathan Fillion has become Murder, She Wrote?

Yes, this is probably quite wrong. Nathan should not become Jessica Fletcher, if anybody he should become Jim "Motherfucking" Rockford, but I'll let Tom Bosley come over and play his dad.

Nathan Fillion as "Rockford II: In My Pants."

Now that's a remake I'd watch!

Mini-diversion: Elisha Cuthbert. I'd crawl through broken glass to fondle the tires on her car, but I never saw any evidence of "talent" from her.

And I will defend David Caruso with my dying breath. Yes, on CSI: Miami he is a black hole from which no display of emotion can ever escape. But on NYPD Blue... There's a reason he was so popular his head swelled to Rock-of-Gibraltar proportions, he quit the show for Hollywood, failed spectacularly there, and slunk back to television in disgrace. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, that he was great once upon a time.

"She ended up doing something that most people would think was wrong."
"Do you think it's wrong?"
"...Yeah, I do."
"What does she think?"
"So far she seems okay with it."

And I will defend David Caruso with my dying breath. Yes, on CSI: Miami he is a black hole from which no display of emotion can ever escape. But on NYPD Blue... There's a reason he was so popular his head swelled to Rock-of-Gibraltar proportions, he quit the show for Hollywood, failed spectacularly there, and slunk back to television in disgrace. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, that he was great once upon a time.

It's not that he has no talent. It's that he uses too much of it. Yes, David Caruso is an over-actor. He is an over-actor of epic proportions and I while he was once great because he understood that less is more (or he was new and didn't know what he was doing, who am I to go all judgey?) he has become The Scene Swallower. You know, like Val Kilmer.

Nathan should not become Jessica Fletcher, if anybody he should become Jim "Motherfucking" Rockford, but I'll let Tom Bosley come over and play his dad.

Now let's think this through. Nathan Fillion, in drag, detectiving. I could get down with that.

There are 5 billion+ people on this planet and the God of Love has to pair of 100 couples before he can leave? I guess Zeus/Jupiter or who ever sentenced Cupid to his time on earth isn't familiar with the term "statistical significance."

...and I have never seen a more pretentious ass wipe in my life.

Haven't you just described at least half of Hollywood?

Haven't you just described at least half of Hollywood?

Posted by: Cindy at August 27, 2008 10:33 AM

Probably, but I haven't had half of Hollywood rhapsodizing ad nauseam about how acting is the greatest art form ever and while writers and directors are important, for practical reasons only, The Actor is the one that brings (singlehandedly) the message to the masses and therefor The Actor is a creature to be worshipped.

But only if he's really decent at the craft, or you know, really hot.

So, I aim my vitriol at Vinny D and feel completely justified.

I wanted to like "Swingtown," in part because I'd crawl through broken glass to sniff Molly Parker's ass, but the show grinds to a screeching halt every time the action shifts to the idiot teenagers. I was a sexually-frustrated teenage boy and I don't particularly need to re-live that situation any more than I need to see Jack Skellington (and no, I don't care about the name of the actress or her character) bone her English teacher. Show me the psychological, emotional and social fallout from open marriage, dammit. And more of Molly Parker in various states of undress.

Regina King is AWE...SOME. It worries me a bit to learn she is in what sounds like a run-of-the-mill cop show where she will have to work with crappy actors. But show synopses can be deceiving; maybe this will be a decent show. Without the Regina Factor I would never have bothered tuning in, but now I will watch.

D'onofrio has been great on L&O:CI up until this last season, where for some reason his character's been stagnant. I couldn't say whether he's a douchebag in real life, but unless he's doing truly despicable things, like shaving kittens or giving money to the GOP, I couldn't care less.

And...Castle. Sigh. It certainly sounds dull, but as I said, network-written synopses often sell a show short. I remain childishly optimistic, and of course I will watch every episode that airs, and probably buy the DVD.

I actually don't mind "Dancing With The Stars". I can't say that I get all caught up in who the next round of "stars" are going to be, but it's fun watching them get better as the show progresses.

Except for Heather Mills. She's flat out evil.

Michael Vartan - Alias

He was there for two reasons:

1. The pretty
2. Boyfights with David Anders

For the second reason alone, I think that he is exempt from a bad actor list. I liked him on Alias.

My nominations:

Mischa Barton - The O.C.
Elisha Cuthbert - 24 WHY did she manage to outsmart a cougar?
Katie Holmes - Dawson's Creek

I gotta defend Benjamin McKenzie. Yes, he was a bit wooden in the first season, but he got much better as the series went on.

...Shit! Did I just admit to watching all four seasons of The OC? Crap. I just kept hoping it would get better. Yeah, it didn't.

BUT, I you doubt McKenzie's talent, you must rent Junebug. Amy Adams is fan-fuckin-tastic, and McKenzie is fairly solid for his first movie role.

WORD Melody. I am an unabashed Vartan lover, I thought he was charming and even a little funny in Alias.

Worst actors: Mischa Barton, Kristin Kreuk, Milo Ventimiglia (on Gilmore Girls, I actually like him now on Heroes). God I fucking HATED Jess.

Mischa Barton is a black hole of bad-acting suckage. So is Kristin Kreuk, mostly, though I hear she's a nice person (unlike Barton). I know that shouldn't matter to me, but it does a bit. I hear an actor is an asshole (or find it out firsthand), it makes me less inclined to watch their efforts.
Ben McKenzie gets a pass from me for being so cute (yes, I am that shallow, but I'm fine with it). And I do think he improved as the OC went on, especially in his scenes with Peter Gallagher.

Oh hell, I'll watch Nathan do anything, so I guess 'Castle' goes on my list of stuff to watch next season!

I like 'Numb3rs', but then I am a mite closer to 80 than some of you. Whatever.... I simply enjoy watching Krumholtz, Judd, Morrow & Nichols do their thing. (I'd add Farr to that, but it seems I will have to get used to not seeing her any more, drat it....)

Mischa Barton was far and away the worst actor on The O.C. Benjamin McKenzie was no prize winner himself, but at least by the end he could kind of do the funny stuff with Autumn Reeser in season four. Sit here and try to imagine Mischa Barton doing something, ANYTHING funny...try...try...yeah. Not happening. Marissa sucks.

Don't even get me started on The Beek.

I have run across some good news; HBO has scrapped its plans to film The Preacher. This is good news because HBO was gonna do it with Mark Steven Johnson.

http://www.comicscontinuum.com/stories/0808/25/index.htm?loc=interstitialskip

For those of you who don't recognize the name, Mark Steven Johnson was responsible for Daredevil, Electra and Ghost Rider among other atrocities. (You can check IMDB for a full listing.)

Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!

[Ike mumbles and proceeds to plummet out of the "visitor's" spaceship]

I love me some old school South Park.

God I fucking HATED Jess.

Wouldn't that make Milo a good actor? FTR, I couldn't stand him either.

Hee. That's true Cindy, my hatred was so palpable that it leaked onto the actor himself. But I did hate his line readings as well, it seemed he was either monotone and listless or monotone and pissy.

As for "Preacher", well......shit. I'd still like to see something happen with someone. But the pictures of Shirley Manson below are certainly nice.

Was Jess the moody "other guy" who was Luke's nephew or something? I was visting a friend in North Carolina at the same time as one of our friends from England and our host had to go out for something so us two guys were assigned to watch it and report back to her. Our eyes couldn't roll further. "Oh he has a copy of 'What's Up, Matador'. Oh he's soooo cool."

Nathan Fillion, in drag, detectiving. I could get down with that.

I could get down ALL OVER that.

Are we speaking of Garth Ennis' Preacher if so, Dear Jerce, Bless you. I feel a great crisis has been averted. Part of me would like to dream that a Preacher mini-series would be possible, but not like that. Gah! A chill went down my spine at the thought of Nic Cage as Jesse. Lordy! Ben Affleck as Cassidy! Please God, Scour these thoughts from my brain. I don't even want to think of Poor Innocent Arseface. Censored to Oblivion.

2. Boyfights with David Anders

Why did I never get into Alias, again?

Looks like I have 2 DVD marathons to do this weekend. Thank godtopus it's 3 days....

Could we lose the drag? In fact, could we lose clothing altogether?

Writers on TV are always eccentric. Mr. Castle could type in the nude! It would probably bump viewership by several percentage points...Are you listening, ABC?

Um....not a comment on the DNC convention from the TV Whore? Don't you get PBS where you live?

Worst actor in a popular TV series: Catherine tate in Doctor Who.

Yeah, that's him Jay.

But I did hate his line readings as well, it seemed he was either monotone and listless or monotone and pissy.

I agree, and I also agree he's gotten better on Heroes; the thing that irks me is that side-of-his-mouth-talking-thing. I suppose he can't help it, but it drives me nuts.

Hee, he does do that! Right when I was about to start watching the Heroes dvds my best friend had to reassure me that I wouldn't hate him. Within a few episodes I begrudgingly admitted that he was pretty good and even a little badass. Despite the emo bangs.

I don't see how any heterosexual male can watch Dancing with the Stars. No, "The girls are hot and wear little clothing." is not an excuse. If you want hot girls wearing little clothing you have the internet. Giving you that is its primary function. Take advantage of that and stop giving shitty shows like this ratings.

Ben Affleck as Cassidy!

Do what now?

Worst actor in a popular TV series: Catherine tate in Doctor Who.

So like Garth Brooks before you, sometimes you just have to go against the grain, huh?

But even if I hadn't liked Donna's companion year, we wouldn't have gotten this without her:

7. She's going to swear like a docker.
Remember in 'Smith and Jones' when Martha said "We're on the bloody moon" well RTD can only up the ante. Look out for: "Fuck me! We're on fucking Mars, you Time Lord cunt!"

http://angrywhofan.blogspot.com/2008/02/10-reasons-donna-noble-will-rock.html

Despite the emo bangs.

I was not sorry to see them chopped. I think he looks better with the short hair.

Despite the emo bangs.

Yes. That's why I call him Emo Petrelli even though they're gone now.

Granted, I never saw a single episode of "The OC", but I will say Ben McKenzie put out a decent, believable performance in Junebug. That whole fricken' movie was a lovely little semi-precious jewel.

I don't see how any heterosexual male can watch Dancing with the Stars.

Posted by: Dave at August 27, 2008 1:08 PM

And I don't see how just any primate can attach to the internet and think he has something to say that is worth hearing, Dave. But it happens all the time, so we each find ourselves consternated by the behavior of the other...

I'll third or fourth the Ben McKenzie kudos, Junebug was fantastic and his was a completely different performance than what was shown on the O.C. Which, to be honest...I thought he was fine in it. I only watched the first two seasons, but he had great chemistry with Peter Gallagher and Adam Brody.

Oh man, how about that scene where Alessandro Nivola sings that hymn? I wept like an asshole.

Jerce, I hope Castle is a Southern transplant writer so Fillion can speak in the Mal/Bill Pardy drawl. The accent may be cornpone cheesy but it shore do melt mah pantaloons.

Mmmmmm...Alessandro Nivola...I'll be in my bunk.

I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: jM at August 27, 2008 1:27 PM

Bunk? Where do you manage to have a bunk? Do you live in the Murdertank?

Hell to the yeah on the David Caruso hate. Guy's a cheeseball.

I can't stand Carmine Giovinazzo from CSI: New York, either.

Bunk? Where do you manage to have a bunk?

Ms. jM is quoting the man they call Jayne, aka Animal Mother, aka My Bodyguard.

But she might live in the Murdertank too.

Jay:

You just can't put a miniature talent like Tate's (unable to do any character other than the cockney loudmouth and even them turns it into a cliche) beside a classically trained actor like David Tennant and not expect all her failings as an actor to show immediately. Especially since Jackie Tyler already OWNED the role of non-cliched cockney loudmouth in earlier seasons. I'm simply stating the obvious here.

Yeah, what Jay said about Jayne. Or I could be a sailor. That would explain the scurvy.

2. Boyfights with David Anders

Why did I never get into Alias, again?

Boyfights and shirtless men torture scenes are one of the pluses of Alias.

Worst actor on Alias is easy:

Melissa George - Season 3

She is the Mischa Barton of Alias. It is certainly not the pretty, fluent in French, pretty one.

fluent in French

Christ on a croissant, when Vartan speaks French I start to lose consciousness. So very very sexy.

Katie Holmes: Dawson's Creek. It feels good to know that I couldn't stand her when the show debuted, because she never had any damn talent. Even the bitchy girl Monica Keena played was better.

Kristin Kruek: Smallville. I watched the show just to see what new alien powers would arise, but damn is that girl bland. She's pretty to look at but talent wise, she's plastic. Her voice is flat, no emotion...the only one worse than her is that shitty Lois Lane.

Debra Messing: Will & Grace. I watched part of that "Starter Wife" miniseries, and she was decent for a few minutes, then she Grace Adler'd all over it. And she hooks up with some homeless carpenter? Alas, I could watch no more.

Boyfights and shirtless men torture scenes are one of the pluses of Alias. (Melody)

Vartan speaks French (Julie)

Oh dear god. I need to go home from work right now. With a stop at Lackluster video on the way. And I hope to god Mr. vB isn't home. Because... well, frankly, I'll be in my bunk.

Hey, now! Catherine Tate may not be the most versatile actor out there, but she's not that bad. Maybe it's just that I like Donna Noble as a character which lets me look past Catherine's shortcomings, but other than being a bit shouty I don't have any issues with her.

Also, soooooooooo glad to hear about Preacher being shelved. Even thought I just finished the series for the first time and my brain's still in Preacher mode, I'm not that desparate for a TV version.

Mini-Diversion: Grace Park on BSG. I love the show, and came to appreciate Grace in later seasons, but in the mini-series and throughout season 1 she was way too wooden for her role(s).

Mini-Diversion, sort of: Arrghh! I hate, hate, hatehatehatehate Jess. HATE. Molten-filled, stabby-inducing, knife-wielding HATE. He was a moron in idiot clothing. I want to punch him in his smug, sarcastic, wannabe James Dean, punk ass face. I want to inject myself with hormones and grow balls so he can suck them.

Why do you people make me go on these rants? What did I do to you? DAMN IT.

Worst actor on a once-popular show: David Fichel(?) aka DJ on Roseanne. Seriously, as he grew, he got SO bad.

Re: Catherine Tate, watch the last few minutes of "Journey's End" and get back to me. Gave me a whole new level of respect for her (which I'll admit means "any respect at all", but still...)

Re: Alias, great big WORD to Melody and the Lauren-hate, but I can't hate Melissa George too much - she was Angel on Home and Away! She was a formative part of my childhood! I can't just turn my back on that... As for Michael Vartan and his French-speaking abilities...yum. Just yum. I don't care if he only has one method of acting ("Add a new forehead wrinkle for each level of mild worry"), I'd ride him sideways anyway.

And getting back to my previous comment, for I Used To Be Jailbait and anyone else who wants to laugh until their lungs give out, I present 'The Pool Chair Freakout':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c0n1Y6mjJU

I don't think words can do it justice. People, please - just watch this until about 1:20 and tell me that Mischa Barton isn't the suckiest black hole of suck that ever existed.

Julie,

I would watch Vartan read the phone book in French.

Anna,

Bradley Cooper is also on the first seasons of the show as well.

I'm so lost on the Vartan thing. He always has an expression on his face like he has to take a painful poop. But perhaps his is lovely French poop that smells like a fresh baked croissant.

Cindy, that would be pain au chocolat.

Too much?

Groan...

I'm going to have to hop on Team Tate here. I will admit to wanting to choke her all through "The Runaway Bride" but she grew on me, and by "Journey's End" I was sad to see her go. I watch Doctor Who pretty much obsessively so I could wax on about her character arc for a while here, but I'll try to keep it to this: I think she pitched her character well so that she wasn't lost in the Doctor's manic energy (as can happen easily, MARTHA), she was distinct from his other companions, and so she really had a clear place to take it over the series.

Bradley Cooper is beautiful and talented.

Michael Vartan is lacking in both departments.

I would also submit Evangeline Lilly. She's cute and she has her moments, but for the most part she's so... limited. Bleh.

Mini Diversion: Jerry Seinfeld.

Great show and Seinfeld was funny despite the fact that he couldn't act. Seinfeld himself reportedly laughed when he was nominated for acting awards. He knew he wasn't good. I think Ray Romano is similar.

Ah, Che Grovera, the old "Why are you posting on a forum in which part of its purpose is to have its readers post their opinions and have said opinion read by others who are on the forum?"

If you took my post as a slur or insult against homosexuals then you are mistaken. It wasn't my intent to voice my dislike for gay people, simply to have some fun at the expense of guys who like a female oriented show. But really I shouldn't have to explain this because this is an open forum. If you don't like what I post address its content and why you think I'm wrong. Don't suggest that unless I agree with you I shouldn't be posting on an open forum.

Uh, sure, Dave. Whatever you say.

So I took the liberty of re-reading both your original post and my response to it, and I'm puzzled. Please help me understand how your inclusion of "heterosexual" in front of "male" furthers your argument that you were just having "some fun at the expense of guys who like a female oriented show". Wouldn't "male" by itself have been sufficient (if somewhat grammatically awkward)? What does sexuality have to do with it? You chose your words, but now you seemingly want to disavow them. Please explain.

I'm also amused by your defensiveness. I don't think I said anything that could be construed as a challenge to your right to post. I love seeing stupid opinions expressed freely -- especially my own. You posted, I responded. That's how it's supposed to work, right? Or do you believe that your opinions are unassailable and that any challenge to them is an attempt to muzzle you?

Maybe you were just offended that I insinuated that you were a primate. Please advise on how you would like to be reclassified.

Homophobe against Commie, AWESOME

Pajiba Thunderdome

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Dave isn't a homophobe -- he said so himself. That must make him the commie, and me the... Hey, Slim, who you calling a homophobe, you omnisexual limbo-loving, uh, rabble-rouser?

Grrrrrrrttrr. 'Effin HTML tags...

Hell yeah I'm a Howmowphobick! Sez it right here on my belt buckle!

I am unfamiliar with this "Bradley Cooper" of which you speak, but I imdb'd him, and he's very pretty. I can't wait for my date this weekend with the first season of Alias!

Thanks, Melody!

Communist, now that's more like it Che. Socialists are like agnostics, they're too scared to take it to the next level.

And hey, think whatever you want. I didn't lose any sleep last night knowing that you think I'm a homophobe. I doubt I'll lose any tonight either.
But just because I call you gay if you like Dancing with the Stars doesn't mean I think gay is a bad thing. It just means I think you're gay and saying otherwise is not being honest with yourself. And even if I did think gay was a bad thing it doesn't mean I'm a conservative who thinks we should replace the Constitution with the Bible.

But what does that matter? I won't have to explain myself to any gay person I might run into because my cave doesn't have any of them. Though I'll keep an eye out for any fellow cave dwellers who seem suspicious.

You're a shifty one, Dave. First you bitch-slap me for not "addressing the content" of your post, then you do a little sidestep shuffle when I do try to address your content (such as it is).

I've re-read my initial response to you several times now and I still can't figure out how or why it triggered this flood of gay talk from you. Basically, I just implied your post was stupid; while the implied gay slur contributes to its stupidity, I never called it out and it is but one side of a multi-faceted paean to stupidity.

Seriously, at this point I'm too disinterested to argue but I'm more than willing to goad you into continuing to post. DWTS to gays to freedom of expression to conservatives to the Constitution to the Bible to cave dwellers -- you're like an idiomatic pinball (and I mean that in the most complimentary sense possible).

I sidestepped your questions because right after you raised them you responded to Slim's comment (which I did not notice) and I focused on that. I meant what I said in my first post. I don't understand why a straight man would enjoy watching a dancing show. Infer what you want about it.

Fair enough, Dave.

Reasonable explanations for what is much more enjoyable to regard as unreasonable behavior are so disappointing. C'est la vie.

No problem Che. I understand why you said what you said. I seriously didn't see Slim's comment. If I did I would have responded differently. C'est la vie to you too.