Real-Time Review of Crash: The Boozehound Cinephile / Ted Boynton
Pop culture item consumed: Pajibans labor under a longstanding grudge match among various factions about the relative putridity of Crash, Paul Haggis’s 2005 Best Picture winner. As a vocal anti-Crasher, but after a semi-moratorium on Crash-bashing the past few months, it occurred to me that I might help resolve the matter. Because, really, who makes a better mediator than a boozy smartass with a mean streak and a strong bias? I decided to re-view the film and provide a real-time analysis. As always, there’s no extra charge for the douchebaggery.
Crash begins with a strong premise: Take a talented, multi-racial ensemble cast and script interactions among them as members of the same community to show the state of modern race relations. The film features Don Cheadle, Terrance Howard, Matt Dillon, Brendan Fraser, Thandie Newton, Sandra Bullock, Ryan Phillippe, Ludacris, and a host of solid character actors including William Fichtner. My recollection is that handing over this nice concept to Paul Haggis turns out to be like giving a fly-fishing rig to a one-eyed raccoon with rabies and lead poisoning. Sure, the animal likes fish, and this well-oiled machine is designed to catch fish. Given the mental acuity of the glorified rodent, however, the fishing rod just ends up wrapped around its neck, fish-hook firmly planted in one asscheek while Rocky shits in the water.
Beverage consumed: Gin and ginger beer, my new favorite drink, at least for this week. Pour half of one 12-oz. bottle of ginger beer over ice in a Collins glass. Add a shot .. um, add gin to taste. Throwing one shot of gin at my mouth is like asking Prisco to hollow out the local bordello: Strap a plank to his ass and go to town.
Kingsley Amis posthumously turned me on to this wonder of wonders. (Pajiba’s review of Everyday Drinking: The Distilled Kingsley Amis is coming next week.) I’ve enjoyed many a G&T in my day, but as Amis points out, tonic water is not really suited for gin. Tonic is essentially sparkling sugar water, with the sugar merely dampening the gin’s lovely botanical flavors. Ginger beer, in contrast, has its own set of natural flavors arising from the inclusion of spicy ginger root. While I had previously enjoyed a Gin Chiller (gin mixed with ginger ale), ginger beer has a substantially stronger, spicier flavor than ginger ale and is less sugary. Thus, ginger beer mixes with gin to create a true cocktail of complimentary flavors.
I still need a name for the thing; Google has failed me in turning up an existing claim — for those of you shouting “Gin Mule” at the monitor, that one has mint in it. For now, I’m going with GiGi, for obvious reasons: spicy, slutty, vaguely foreign, and full of zing.
Summary of action: To ensure proper fortification, I chin a GiGi before popping in the DVD. For the faint of heart, a warning: There will be many attempts at absurdist racial humor today.
03:30 Don Cheadle opens the the film with the rambling monologue giving the film its name. He and Jennifer Esposito, detective partners, have just been in a minor car accident. Cheadle, henceforth “Black Detective” for reasons that will become nauseatingly clear, theorizes that people don’t connect anymore. “We miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something.” Right. Black Detective, meet my attorney, Lionel Hutz.
03:48 The Asian driver who rear-ended them immediately pulls the pin on a racism grenade with Esposito. “Mexicans don’t know how to drive.” Esposito, a detective on a major urban police force, responds by mocking the Asian driver’s accent and stature. I want to fit in, so I yell out the window at my black neighbor, “How’s it hangin’, Watermelon?”
06:20 Cut to gun store; Arab man argues with his daughter about a gun purchase. Gunstore Guy interjects, “Yo, Osama, plan the jihad on your own time,” then mocks his English and throws him out of the store, then makes a leering sexual comment to the daughter about what kind of “load” she wants. Hmmm. I think there’s a pattern here. I’m just not getting it yet.
07:48 Intro obligatory angry young black man (Ludacris!), arguing with his more level-headed friend about racism, in a well-observed scene about the reality of racism versus its perception … until the 09:45 mark, where they pull out pistols and carjack Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock. I’m sure Haggis thought it great irony that he would pull our sympathy into the scene as the young men rationally set forth the debate, only to commit a major felony moments later. In reality, it’s just another stereotype; turns out all young black men really do want to steal your Denali. Important safety tip, thanks Haggis.
11:00 Black Detective and Esposito respond to a homicide in which a white, off-duty narc has shot another motorist in self-defense, who turns out to be a black cop. As BD (hmmm, what else might that stand for, jM? Bethy?) sizes up the white, greasy-haired shooter, he mutters to Esposito, apropos of nothing, “Looks like Detective Conklin shot himself the wrong nigger.” Since she’s ethnic, I guess she’s down with that kind of talk.
12:40 My favorite scene of the film so far, in a bad way. After their carjacking, Fraser and his OC bitch wife (Bullock) argue while a young Latino locksmith changes their house’s doorlocks. OC Bitch loudly demands that Fraser get the locks changed again in the morning because she doesn’t want a “gang member [with] a shaved head, baggy pants, and prison tattoos” selling their key to “his gang-banger friends.” This exchange occurs with a horrible but certainly expensive piece of modern art prominently displayed between OC Bitch and Fraser as they argue. Because white people own expensive ugly useless shit and are insensitive to young Latinos after being carjacked by black men. And because bitchy, rich white women are incapable of discerning that youngsters in baggy pants may just be trend-following morons instead of criminals.
14:24 Turns out Fraser is the L.A. District Attorney — he yells this in dialogue, always the mark of a fine script — and he’s meeting with his underlings an hour after the carjacking to discuss damage control. Since D.A. Dudley Do-Right got carjacked by two black men, he’s either “going to lose the black vote or lose the law-and-order vote.” Now, I’m no political scientist, but I don’t think the African-American population of L.A. County will be swayed by the special interest braying of the Negro Carjackers Association. “What we need,” says D.A. Dudley, “is a picture of me, pinning a medal on a black man.” He tells his staffers to get “that black firefighter,” but learns, alas, that darkie is actually an Iraqi. D.A. Dudley’s absolutely non-ironic response? “Well he looks black.” Touche, Haggis!
How did this movie not win Best Screenplay? Oh, wait. It did.
15:34 Intro Matt Dillon as Racist Cop. Some busybody social worker on the phone won’t help him with his ailing father, apparently because her name is “Shaniqua Johnson.” Oh, and she’s black, which causes Dillon to ridicule her name. I swear, if she were white and still named “Shaniqua,” he wouldn’t do that. Stoopid Racist Cop.
16:25 On the upside, RC’s partner is Ryan Phillipe, playing the entirely non-stereotypical role of the young, idealistic rookie struggling to oppose the senior guy’s abuse.
17:15 The infamous sexual assault scene. Racist Cop pulls over sweater-encased television producer Terrance Howard (henceforth known as Upstanding Negro; we know this because he doesn’t talk all ghetto and he wears nice sweaters. Many, many sweaters) and his smoking-hot wife Thandie Newton because they’re driving a Denali, even though RC knows it’s the wrong one. His excuse is a good one though — he saw Newton orally pleasuring Howard. I’d want a closer look, too.
RC proceeds to escalate the situation into a field sobriety test for Howard (on zero evidence, since he knew this wasn’t the stolen car), then slams Upstanding Negro and Wife against the car, after Wife objects to RC’s aggressive demeanor. Peep this, yo: UN and Wife of UN are dressed to the nines, having just left an awards show. They are driving a $60,000 SUV that RC knows is not stolen. They are one block away from their house in a ritzy neighborhood, which RC knows from Howard’s license. The following exchange then occurs:
Wife of UN: You keep your filthy fucking hands off me.RC: [Pushes her against Denali to “frisk” her] That’s quite a mouth you have. [Looks at UN] But then you already know that.
Wife of UN: That’s what this is all about isn’t it? You thought you saw a white woman blowing a black man, and it just drove your little cracker ass crazy.
RC: [Grope grope grope]
(I can’t help giggling when I hear “little cracker ass,” because it makes me visualize Eminem getting a wedgie from Public Enemy.)
20:43 As Upstanding Negro and Wife begin to crack under RC’s abuse of authority, with Phillippe looking on, RC threatens them with “reckless endangerment” charges for engaging in oral sex while driving. If they’ll just go home, however, RC will exercise his discretion to forget about the whole thing. Except rubbing Newton’s ass and cooch, which he and Upstanding Negro (and I, regrettably) will remember forever. Upstanding Negro, voice cracking, apologizes and asks to be let go with a warning.
Where to begin with how fucking stupid this scene is? I have not the slightest doubt that many white police engage in unjustified intimidation and oppression of black motorists every day. It is a testament to the shallow intellect of Haggis, however, that he expects the viewer to believe that this cop would be so fucking dumb as to sexually assault a wealthy woman and manhandle her husband in an upscale L.A. neighborhood where he knows they live, after pulling them over on what would easily be proven an unlawful pretext by any competent civil rights attorney.
Then there’s Upstanding Negro and Wife, who slink away into the night to avoid trouble over a relatively innocent freeway BJ. Again, Haggis’s grasp of the actuality of race relations is so broad and immature that he apparently has never heard of a civil suit for police brutality. A wealthy black television producer probably did not succeed in life by being railroaded by stupid white people, even policemen. Surely, an intelligent African-American man, plugged into the influential L.A. entertainment industry, cannot be intimidated into silence by an empty threat after watching his wife get felt up by a mouth-breathing cracker. After a lifetime of presumably fighting twice as hard to get half as much, however, Haggis’s Upstanding Negro begs for a warning instead of telling RC, “Please arrest us so that I can have your badge swinging from my big black cock by tomorrow morning.” Even after they get home, he doesn’t file a complaint or take any other action.
This scene is what actually killed Johnnie Cochran.
Twenty minutes into Crash, one of the primary fatal flaws of the film is already glaring at me: These have to be the dumbest racists and the stupidest victims in all of history.
25:09 Finally, a gentle, relatively subtle scene, where Latino Locksmith comes home to find his young daughter sleeping under her bed because she’s afraid of neighborhood gunfire. Their tender interactions provide a meaningful indictment of the powerlessness of working class minorities to protect their families from the violence of neighborhoods dictated to them by economics. Someone other than Haggis must have written this. Let’s see how long this subtle streak las—
29:00 Rrrrriiiip! To comfort his daughter, LL takes off his imaginary bulletproof cloak and ties it around her. If we were in the hands of a ham-handed hack screenplay writer, I’d be worried that this might foreshadow some threat to LL or his daughter.
30:00 The carjackers are enjoying some rap music in the stolen car and arguing over whether the music is racist because it reinforces stereotypes. These must be the famed Cambridge Debate Team Carjackers, known not only for their dope exposition but also for their “Bitches and Hoes” tartans and Wellesley-trained Flygirls. Engrossed in their debate, they run over an elderly Asian getting into a van, the keys left dangling from its door.
35:20 It’s just impossible. I tried to go to the kitchen for my third gin & ginger, but something utterly ridiculous happens every 10 seconds in this movie. Latino Locksmith does a lock replacement for Arab Gunowner but warns him he really needs a new door. AG accuses LL of trying to cheat him, calling LL a “cheetah.” I’m pretty sure he’s not referring to lovable Chester of cheesy puffs fame. LL, who we already know is a nice guy, tries to give AG a break on the price, which simply enrages AG more. LL inexplicably does not rip AG’s face off.
38:18 In a scene I would find arousing in any other movie, Cheadle is just giving the business to Esposito, who may need a nickname now: Sexy Chili Pepper Police Partner? Too ethnic. Sex-Tousled Detective? Yes. For the first time in this movie I envy someone, by which I mean both Black Detective and STD. The phone rings, and BD delivers the best line so far: “Mom, I can’t talk right now, I’m having sex with a white woman.” That never shuts my mom up, but whatever. Of course, the fun can’t last long — BD refers to STD as “Mexican,” when in fact she is Puerto Rican and El Salvadoran (in real life, Esposito is Texizuelan), prompting BD to deliver this gem: “Who gathered all those remarkably different cultures together and taught them how to park their cars on their lawn?” Checkmate, Sex-Tousled Detective!
39:54 We learn that Racist Cop is actually not a 100% bad guy — he’s just frustrated because his father is quite ill and needs constant care, interrupting RC’s sleep. Also, much of Hitler’s animosity was aggravated by Mussolini’s incessant cheating at canasta.
42:41 The Erudite Carjacking Debate Brothers appear again, arguing about whether they’re superior to hoodlums who steal from black people because they only carjack whites. Angry Carjacker tells Pondering Carjacker that they can’t ride buses because the big windows on buses are designed to humiliate people of color who have to ride them. I predict a long prison sentence for Angry Carjacker, primarily because he probably thinks hiding from the police after committing several gun felonies is “demeaning.”
44:50 TV exec Tony Danza — they spared no expense! — confronts Upstanding Negro because a black actor in their show is “talking less black than before.” UN starts a slow burn, but you fuck with The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon at your own peril, my friend.
(Fun side note: On IMDb Tony Danza comes up as “Actor, Crash”; not “Actor, Going Ape!,” not “Host, Failed Talk Show,” and not “Dumbass Mook, Life.” As long as we’re going with our most recent accomplishment and not our myriad failures, I want my IMDb entry to read “Inducer, Recent Orgasm (with a woman this time).”)
46:30 [sigh] Racist Cop visits Shaniqua Johnson (no, I’m not kidding), Licensed Social Worker and failed “Saturday Night Live” character, about his father’s illness. RC tries to appeal to Shaniqua by accusing her of being an affirmative action layabout while also telling her that his father owned a janitorial company that “paid blacks equal wages” until the stoopid city council started giving preferences to minority-owned businesses, which somehow led to daddy “losing his business, his home, his wife, everything.” I’m pretty sure losing a government contract doesn’t make your wife leave you, though being a racist lout with a good-for-nothing son could be a divorce-level event. In any event, Pops is a good guy, and “not once does he blame you people,” meaning, of course, “affirmative action lovin’, cotton-pickin’ negras.” Shaniqua is mysteriously unmoved. I bet she’s white on the inside.
49:10 Back at Arabs-R-Us. Oh crap, the store has been broken into and vandalized. Even worse, according to his wife Arab Gunowner is actually Persian. So it turns out I’m the problem. Thanks, Haggis, you bog-trotter Mick fuck. (Wait, is Haggis Scottish?) Thanks, Haggis, you penny-squeezing Sawney Jock drunkard. (Wait, I’m Scottish too. Wow, racism is insidious in this country.) Anyway, going forward, we’ll refer to Towelhead McGunski as Persian Gunowner.
55:40 Ruh-roh! PG’s insurance won’t cover the loss because Latino Locksmith warned him about the door.
57:30 Phillippe, sadly lacking a nickname right now, has successfully obtained a solo assignment to get away from Racist Cop, who confronts him. Says RC, “Wait till you’ve been on the job a few years. You think you know who you are. You have no idea.” Responds a puzzled Phillippe, “I’m pretty sure I’m the guy fucking Abbie Cornish who hasn’t been caught yet.”
1:00:09 The notorious scene where RC redeems hate-mongering racists everywhere by performing the work he gets paid to do and rescuing the black woman he finger-raped the night before, pulling her out of a burning car. I hope that, unlike Shaniqua, Wife of Upstanding Negro doesn’t disappoint the men of RC’s family by being ungrateful. RC and his new partner come upon a serious auto accident, where Wife of UN is trapped in a car leaking gas, with a fire looming close at hand.
1:03:11 How sweet; RC pulls Newton’s skirt into place before reaching across her lap to undo her seatbelt. See, it’s that sass-mouth that gets you molested, Ladies of Color. When you play Damsel in Distress, we’ll show you respect. Fo’ shizzle.
1:04:55 RC’s partner pulls him from the car as the fire engulfs it, but RC has nerves of steel and a strong appreciation of life — or, perhaps, a reverse serial killer psychosis where he must prevent his victims from dying. He dives right back into the car and pulls Wife of Upstanding Negro out, just ahead of the inevitable (yet incredibly unlikely) explosion.
Out of a movie full of criminal acts on the part of the screenwriters, this one takes the cake. It’s hard to beat the earlier Dillon-Newton scene for sheer implausibility, but Haggis is the master of baking a bigger shit lasagne than the last one. It’s one thing to expect audiences to tolerate fantastical coincidences and inexplicable behavior in a comic book movie or slasher film. In terms of straight dramas, however, the combination of nonsensically unlikely coincidence and ludicrous, hackneyed characters has to be one of the most grotesque slaps in the face in cinematic history. Never mind that cars almost never explode following car accidents, how the fuck did it happen that RC happened by at just the moment Wife of UN was about to get blowed up?
1:08:20 Intro William Fichtner, usually a welcome addition, as an underling of D.A. Dudley looking for a way to turn the cop-on-cop shooting into the solution to the D.A.’s carjacking quandary. Fichtner advises Black Detective that the D.A. and Internal Affairs want to hang the white cop for a race-motivated shooting. This somehow will help D.A. Dudley’s suspiciously silly political problem, in which the black community supposedly will blame him for getting carjacked by two black guys. BD informs Fichtner that the black cop apparently was involved with cocaine trafficking, which casts doubt on the frame job.
This exchange leads to an incredibly convoluted plan by Fichtner to get BD to go along with covering up the evidence and hanging the shooting on the white cop, in exchange for getting BD’s (so far unseen) brother out of a three-strikes life sentence. Never mind that five other people know about the cocaine evidence and that the coroner is almost certainly going to find cocaine in the black cop’s blood or that the white cop’s lawyer will have a field day with this whole stupid mess. So we’re supposed to believe that the D.A. and his staffers are willing to expose themselves to losing their jobs, not to mention indictments and prison time, for framing a white cop, all because the D.A. and his wife were carjacked at gunpoint.
This storyline is so fucking dumb it’s hard to put into words, as Haggis takes yet another inadvertent slap at black people.D.A. Dudley has to take political cover because black voters are so dumb and reactionary that they won’t understand a random event like the D.A. pursuing two black youths who carjacked him and pointed a gun at his wife. Then he has to engage in some high-level police corruption because of a potential newspaper article, all the while hoping the fifty other people that know about all of this don’t blab to anyone.
1:12:50 Ruh-roh! After getting Latino Locksmith’s name off a receipt, Persian Gunowner pulls up outside LL’s house, Persian gun on seat.
1:13:38 A brooding Upstanding Negro, sitting in his Denali. Perhaps it will not surprise you to learn that UN gets carjacked by … the same thugs who carjacked D.A. Dudley and OC Bitch. What an ironic coincidence. UN is so enraged that he fights them. Pondering Carjacker tries to break up the fight but runs away when a police car passes. UN and Angry Carjacker jump in the SUV and continue fighting as the police pursue, sirens blaring.
Jesus tag-teaming Christ, this shit could not get more stu — Oh, fuck me gently with a football team.
1:14:44 One of the pursuing officers is none other than Phillippe, bringing the gag-inducing storyline into full symmetry and giving Boozehound what feels like an aneurysm. Wait, which one makes blood come out of your eyes?
1:15:00 Let’s see. Last night Upstanding Negro was pulled over because he’s black, even though the police knew he was not the car thief. Now he’s driving his own carjacked car with the carjacker’s gun … what’s going to happen here? Ooh ooh, I know! UN will be tried for carjacking! He’s black, with a gun, and driving his own carjacked car — open and shut case! Given that the local D.A. has a chronic case of shit-for-brains, that seems to be plenty for a good frame-job.
1:15:35 UN stops and gets out, police shotguns a-quiver. Phillippe has already recognized the Denali — he’s the one cop in all of SoCal who knows Howard is Upstanding Negro, not Angry Carjacker. The other cops do not know, plus they’re white, so UN is fucked. UN walks menacingly toward them, arguing and insulting them. He looks a lot like Angry Carjacker, but that’s how it is for black people.
1:16:18 Phillippe runs between the cops and Upstanding Negro. After a tense standoff that would be pretty good filmmaking if it weren’t in such a shitty film, UN reluctantly lets Phillippe save his life and is allowed to leave. I’m pretty sure that any time guns are drawn on a citizen after a car chase, a report has to be made, especially when two suspects are unaccounted-for, but these cops all disappear like someone ate the last doughnut.
Racist Update: Racist Cop and Phillippe have both cleared their consciences. Upstanding Negro is a psycho basket case and Wife of Upstanding Negro was in a severe car wreck, but when you look at it from far away — like Assholeville — we’re all winners.
1:19:47 Upstanding Negro drops off Angry Carjacker with the admonishment, “You embarrass me. You embarrass yourself.” I’m pretty sure he means because Angry Carjacker broke the code that black carjackers should only carjack white people, but I’m pounding GiGi pretty hard ever since that Arab-Persian incident.
1:20:20 Latino Locksmith returns home, where Persian Gunowner is waiting, Persian gun in hand.
(I actually have no idea where the gun is from. On one hand, it’s black and violent, so it might be Black gun. On the other hand, it’s pretty lazy and has not fired one bullet, so it might be Mexican gun. I mean, Puerto Rican/Salvadoran gun. In either case, I doubt it will willingly shoot LL.)
1:20:59 PG confronts LL. Those of you keeping score at home will remember that LL gave his invisible cloak of bulletproofness to his incredibly gullible daughter the night before. Like many women I have given imaginary things to in the middle of the night, she didn’t return the favor. LL might as well be made of bull’s-eye sandwiches right now.
1:21:42 LL’s daughter remembers that she has the magic cloak, runs into the yard, and leaps into LL’s arms just as PG fires. That’s Clint Eastwood’s move from In the Line of Fire, but LL’s daughter does it pretty well. Method Acting, I imagine. Seriously, though, if she’s going to keep showing up like this, LL’s daughter is going to need a nickname. At this point, Harmonica Guts may be appropriate.
1:22:18 Oh, crap. Harmonica Guts is miraculously not all bullet-hole-y. In fact, no one is hit, and we need a new nickname. Everyone is mystified, except PG, who knows his people have managed to lose two consecutive wars to the U.S. because their guns never work right. (Wait, is Persia in Iraq?) PG pockets the gun and walks away. LL, who we know to be a gangbanger because OC Bitch said so, does not “pop a cap in PG’s ass” or any equivalent thereof.
1:23:10 We learn that Whole Foods’ marketing strategy has failed utterly, as Don Cheadle brings grocery bags from there to his mother’s crack den. I’m shocked Haggis didn’t show him at the store tenaciously trying to buy white-people food. “Um, look Mr. Black Detective, could you just watch the parking lot, please, and leave the shopping to the Caucasians?”
1:26:35 Off-duty Phillippe drives home in his civilian car, audibly humming “It’s a Small World After All.” He stops to give a lift to hitchhiking Pondering Carjacker, even though McGruff always says that white people shouldn’t pick up black hitchhikers, since they’re probably carjackers. Fucking racist Mick crime dog.
1:29:33 Ah, here’s the message: It’s okay to pick up black hitchers if you’re a cop and feel like shooting someone. After a silly argument about porking Abbie Cornish, Phillippe mistakenly believes Pondering Carjacker is reaching for a gun and shoots him dead on the type of deserted highway so common in L.A. While horrified, Phillippe is not so guilt-stricken that he can’t kick the body out of the car and drive away. The lesson, as always: Shoot your black hitchhiker well outside city limits.
1:32:15 Angry Carjacker, reduced to riding the bus, spots the van where they ran over the Chinese guy 24 hours earlier — keys still in door, just like real life. Once again, the Princess of Coincidences lifts her skirt for a squirrel shot: Somehow a city bus is driving down the dark alley where the carjackers ran over the guy in complete isolation the night before, and somehow Angry Carjacker happens to be looking out the window at just the right moment to see that somehow the keys happen not to have been taken during the day on this well-traveled bus route. Ay fucking Carumba.
1:33:48 In trying to fence the van at a chop shop, Angry Carjacker is surprised to learn that there are Thai immigrants locked inside, destined to be sold into slavery in the U.S. In a shocking development, Boozehound withholds comment.
1:34:36 The morgue. Black Detective’s mother cries as she identifies Pondering Carjacker, who apparently was BD’s brother with the pending third strike felony. So BD sold out for nothing. I hope he kept his receipt.
On the coincidencimeter: D.A. Dudley’s carjacker was the brother of Black Detective, whom D.A. Dudley blackmailed into helping extricate D.A. Dudley from the non-existent political problem caused by the carjacker. Oh, and there’s more: The morgue doctor? None other than Persian Gunowner’s daughter, whose father tried to shoot Latino Locksmith, who replaced the locks at the home of D.A. Dudley after the carjacking. Fucking hell.
1:39:03 Back at Persian Gunowner’s shop, his daughter has come back to find him musing absently about attempted murder and, frankly, really being OK with it. As she puts the gun away, we see the box of bullets she bought from Gunstore Guy - “blanks,” it reads. The lesson? When life gives you blanks instead of bullets, get an L.A. cop to shoot your black hitchhiker.
1:40:40 In a paean to bitchy white housewives everywhere — well, actually just in Orange County — we learn that OC Bitch, who earlier fell down the stairs, couldn’t get any of her white friends to come help her to the hospital. D.A. Dudley’s Latina Housekeeper took her and brought her home. OC Bitch hugs Latina Housekeeper and whispers, “You want to hear something funny? You’re the best friend I’ve got.” Well, that is a knee-slapper. The idea that a bored, spoiled, Posh-Spice wannabe would be able to rely more on a 50-year-old Mexican immigrant than her superficial, bratty neighbors is peculiar, I tell you.
1:41:00 Cue closing montage. As Upstanding Negro drives home, it begins to snow. UN bemusedly watches kids throwing wood into a burning car in a field. You won’t believe this — well, yes you will. It’s Phillippe’s car, which he just torched to destroy the evidence that he offed Pondering Carjacker.
Wow, this is some intense symbolism, man. The unintentional evil deed and the intentional good deed never seem to be that far from each other. It’s like they’re competing inside the same person! Pass the toke, spare the smoke.
1:45:50 Angry Carjacker releases the illegal immigrants on a crummy L.A. street corner at night. I’m sure his heart is in the right place, but Angry Carjacker might as well be releasing laboratory bunnies into a barrel full of wolves. Angry Carjacker smiles as he drives away, as if his heart grew three sizes that day.
1:47:05 As credits music begins, Shaniqua Johnson, Licensed Social Worker, starts the circle of life all over by getting rear-ended by a Latino driver (no, not in a good way). She immediately tells him not to talk to her unless he “speaks American.” I knew that bitch was a no-good racist, acting all high and mighty with Matt Dillon.
1:48:38 Incredibly, the credits demonstrate that I blindly spelled “Shaniqua” correctly.
How well the pairing held up: The GiGi is delicious. Crash is, without doubt, not only the worst Best Picture ever (by a wide margin), it also has to be one of the worst films of 2005. The idea that Crash has something relevant to say is laughable.
What’s more remarkable, however, is that you can practically feel Haggis patting himself on the back for challenging long-held prejudices with this film. Yet the same film where Haggis casts two young black men as a carjackers’ Greek chorus also posits that the virulent racist has his own Disney-quality backstory. What a steaming pile.
Tastes like: A shit-stained Oscar. Oh, the booze was good, actually.
Overall rating: No Oscar for you!
Ted Boynton is a dedicated sot who would leave his barstool only to stalk Whit Stillman, if anyone could find Whit Stillman. Ted also manages to hold down a job and a wife, three hours each per day, whether they need it or not. Readers may scold, hector, admonish or taunt Ted by e-mailing him at thecarygrantrules@hotmail.com.
Pajiba Love 06/19/08 | | Get Smart |
Comments
This was bloody brilliant, TB. Seriously, a splendid deconstruction of one of films' greatest travesties.
And the GiGi sounds goddamn tasty. My evening = planned.
Oh, also, just in case people forgot Haggis' message:
RACISM IS BAD. WE'RE ALL CONNECTED! LOOK HOW CONNECTED WE ARE! RACISM IS BAD! BLACK PEOPLE ARE JUST LIKE WHITE PEOPLE!
I hope you get fucked by goats in hell, Haggis.
Sorry it was so long; that movie is just the train to crazy town. tb
Posted by: TK at June 20, 2008 9:10 AM
'I hope you fuck goats in hell, Haggis.'
I'd prefer the goats to fuck him.
Posted by: Alex at June 20, 2008 9:31 AM
Dear Ted,
I never saw Crash, but thanks to you, I no longer have to see this. This movie sounds like it was written by a 5 year old with a box crayons and the attention span of a housefly.
Thank you for the plot synopsis of what is obviously not a good movie.
Sincerely,
Me
Posted by: Melody at June 20, 2008 9:32 AM
Hmmm... A film about how bad racism is, written by a Rich, White Man from California who has most likely never been discriminated against? How can it possibly go wrong. (Why yes, I am still pissed Brokeback lost. Why do you ask?)
Thanks, Boozie!
Posted by: Jeremy at June 20, 2008 9:34 AM
Alex - Fixed. And excellent point.
Posted by: TK at June 20, 2008 9:34 AM
Angry Carjacker smiles as he drives away, as if his heart grew three sizes that day.
I was stifling the chuckles as I read but that one caused the out-loud laughter. One of the best Pajibas this side of Christmas.
Posted by: heddy at June 20, 2008 9:36 AM
I've tried and failed to watch this movie a few times. I always get turned away by its unrelenting ugliness. What I'm really amazed by is that there are only, like, twelve people in the City of Angels, and everything that happens is done by one of them.
I doubt there's actually an answer to this, but why did the Persian guy shoot at the Latino with blanks? What did he hope to accomplish with that? Why didn't he just stay home and watch TV? Seems like everything else had a reason for happening, even if it was incredibly stupid. And as someone who has fired blank and live rounds, I can tell you that the difference in volume between the two is unmistakable. Live rounds are LOUD; blanks are like firecrackers.
Persian Gunowner's daughter just blindly picked bullets; Gunstore Guy knowingly let her take blanks knowing she wanted real bullets, because he was a dick. They sure showed him! tb
Posted by: Todd at June 20, 2008 9:45 AM
Hahaha, this was all too true TB. I really hated this film from the first five minutes I saw of it. I was genuinely shocked that it was even nominated for any Oscars, let alone that it would go on to win BEST FUCKING PICTURE. I'm with Alex on the goats fucking Haggis. Pass some GiGi.
Posted by: b at June 20, 2008 9:45 AM
Damn, Ted, that GiGi does sound really good. I'm gonna have to check it out. I'm always in the market for better gin recipes.
That's all I got out of this review.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 20, 2008 9:53 AM
Except one thing...fuck Paul Haggis.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 20, 2008 9:54 AM
I had managed to never see this, and now I don't even have to to satisfy my morbid curiosity. I also get the feeling this was a much more enjoyable way to digest this film. Well played, indeed.
And I'm definitely going to be picking up the fixings for a GiGi on the way home. That sounds delightful.
Posted by: MG at June 20, 2008 9:56 AM
Never seen this movie.
Thank you for sharing your pain.
Posted by: Stew at June 20, 2008 9:58 AM
SOCALLEDONLYCOUSINS!!!! Um, hee hee, um, Hi!
Gosh, this was so... so good. What, um, heh--what are you doing this weekend? 'Cause this girl from my biology class is having a party (her parents are totally out of town).
You wanna see something behind the bleachers??
Really, though, I don't know how you are ever going to top this.
Hmm, is "behind the bleachers" a euphemism for something on your body? Because I'm a sucker for a sexy euphemism. tb
Posted by: boo at June 20, 2008 9:58 AM
I rarely regret purchasing a movie before seeing one. This is one of them (I think it's still in the plastic?). I should have known that a movie recommended by my 50-ish white suburban mom as being "very illustrative and informative" of race relations would turn out thus. I'd say "fuck Haggis" but I kind of like the scottish dish haggis and cannot bring myself to mean it. Fuck you Paul? That works.
Posted by: lilianna28 at June 20, 2008 10:20 AM
Because of Crash, however, we were treated to the amazing and awe-inspiring victory of the Three Six Mafia.
...
Posted by: David at June 20, 2008 10:21 AM
Honey, if I wasn't making some kind of euphemism, then I wouldn't be me.
And I'd also probably be categorized as a cadaver, so, the answer is, "Yes."
Posted by: boo at June 20, 2008 10:22 AM
Ted,
You fucked up. As an angry, black, twenty-five year old born and living in Los Angeles I can tell you with all honesty that I always have deep philosophical talks with Ray Ray and Skillet before every car jacking. You see, by discussing social ills and reflecting on our current situations, we eradicate any thoughts that would prevent us from slapping some bitch ass pilgrim (white person)in his skim milk face.
Also, as a note to pilgrims everywhere. Black men in inner city Los Angeles do not hitchhike. If you accidentally pick one of us up, shoot immediately because it is a trap and we will take all your motherfucking shit (I promise.)
Haggis has done years of research on these subjects. He has been accepted by the world for his magnificent contributions to the world of film. His latest project is a 7 part series on the struggles of minorities during a racist conflict. The title: The Chronicles of Negronia.
"bitch ass pilgrim" is the Official Boozehound Expression of the Week. I'll try to use it today. tb
Posted by: Gamal at June 20, 2008 10:22 AM
Three Six Mafia
David, Three Six won the Oscar for best song the next year for the song "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" from another Terrance Howard and Ludacris movie, Hustle and Flow.
Hustle and Flow is in no way, shape, form, or fashion involved with Haggis. Hustle and Flow is also set in Memphis, thus explaining the presence of Three Six Mafia.
Posted by: Melody at June 20, 2008 10:38 AM
The band Crash Test Dummies were awesome! So were the Crash Test Dummies toys. So was Crash Bandicoot. So is that song Crash by DMB. I some times call Captain Crunch Captain Crash. It's even a cool sounding word - KAH-RASH!! Ha!
This movie sucked sour goat balls though...
Don't forget Crash Davis! Second best baseball player character ever, bowing only to Roy Hobbs. tb
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 20, 2008 10:44 AM
When I opened Pajiba and saw the Crash picture, then noticed it was actually being reviewed, my automotic reaction was sitting back and muttering "Oh shit..."
Oddly enough, this review actually made me want to see the movie again. Especially with someone who reviles it so...
Posted by: jamiepants at June 20, 2008 10:46 AM
I thought this film was an interesting look at race relations and how we all have to overcome stereotypes. And as far as I'm concerned, Brendan Fraser had the performance of his career in his role.
Posted by: Conrad (last name withheld) at June 20, 2008 10:47 AM
SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH CONRAD! YOU OWN MONKEYBONE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 20, 2008 10:48 AM
OH YEAH!
Bird York had the song from Crash, right?
I'm stupid. I totally withdraw my comment. Thanks for the heads up, Melody.
Posted by: David at June 20, 2008 10:49 AM
Re: blanks/bullets/etc
I thought the daughter bought the blanks on purpose, to keep her dad from doing something stupid (like shooting poor locksmiths and children)?
Good theory; I really can't tell. The gun guy says something like, "You sure those are the ones?" But she did seem remarkably calm after her father told her what happened, so you may be right. tb
Posted by: b at June 20, 2008 10:50 AM
Ted, I can't thank you enough for reminding me why I hated this movie so intensely and for introducing me to Gin & Ginger Beer, which I will from now on refer to as Gingergin or gin-gin for short! I haven't had gin since a two-day hangover from it years and years ago, but you have convinced me to go directly to the liquor store on my way home tonight and give it another chance!
Also, I am so mad at all you bastards for the non-stop Sonic talk yesterday - because of you I had a "lovely dinner" there last night and will be paying for it until tomorrow morning. Sonic food equals major colon crisis - except for the Cherry Limeade, of course. That stuff is the whip!!
Posted by: SCG at June 20, 2008 10:52 AM
http://extratasty.com/recipe/488/gin_and_ginger_beer
they couldn't think of a proper name either apparently...
I know, right? You'd think this would one of those fundamental ones with a name, but I guess gin and tonic didn't get a name either. GiGi it is. Come to Papa, GiGi. tb
Posted by: Colin at June 20, 2008 10:55 AM
"David, Three Six won the Oscar for best song the next year for the song "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" from another Terrance Howard and Ludacris movie, Hustle and Flow."
Melody- I'm sure what David meant is this movie (in actuality, solely Haggis) swung the door wide open for Three Six Mafia to be nominated the next year. Were it not for Him opening the eyes of the Academy to how horrible race relations were in LA, the young negro gentlemen from the one of the southern states may never have been nominated, nor won. Which really, didn't we all win?
Posted by: ernesto at June 20, 2008 10:58 AM
Either that, or maybe David hasn't seen Crash and still thinks that all black people look the same. Hard call. David?
Posted by: ernesto at June 20, 2008 11:00 AM
Gin and Tonic!!! While watching crash one must have either Gin straight...lots and lots of Gin straight. Or gin and juice...if your black. Get it?!? Because Snoop Dogg had a hit rap song called "Gin and Juice." It's a funny joke. But being black, that really does sound tasty right now.
Posted by: Josh at June 20, 2008 11:05 AM
I, for one, am grateful that Mr. Haggis created such a beautiful, thought-provoking movie. You people say it's a bad film, but what do you know? You're just a bunch of losers on a website.
Mr. Haggis has shown us all that there are connections that tie us all together, that we are each a part of each other. I think that by disrespecting movies like this, you are disrespecting America, and becoming part of the problem. What are you doing to make the world a better place? NOTHING, I'll bet.
Perhaps you should learn to embrace life, and embrace the startling, staggering genius of Paul Haggis.
Posted by: Shmaul Shmaggis at June 20, 2008 11:07 AM
Thank you Ted, that is one of the best things I've ever read here. I admire you for sticking with this vile movie all the way through, helped by your GiGi's no doubt. I only made it through the first 30 minutes myself, and then couldn't take any more stereotypes.
I suppose this just confirms how out of touch the Academy must be to have thought this Oscar-worthy.
Crash is a good example of the 'Emperor's New Clothes' syndrome. Everyone jumps on the bandwagon to praise it, and we have to wait for honest people like you to tell the truth. I find it a pretty disgusting movie.
I'm also kind of ashamed of my fellow Brit Thandie Newton for taking part in this clusterfuck.
It's startling that this film took in $54M domestically (on a $6.5M budget) and garnered a 75% positive rating on the Tomatometer. Critics and audiences generally responded well, obviously, and it still mystifies me. This is one of those films where Mrs. socalled and I started laughing a few minutes in, then just began openly mocking every scene (watching at home of course). tb
Posted by: StephanieS at June 20, 2008 11:09 AM
Gin & Juice is tasty for all colors of the rainbow.
Posted by: Stew at June 20, 2008 11:10 AM
I'd clusterfuck Thandie Newton.
Posted by: Mr. Manly at June 20, 2008 11:13 AM
ernesto,
I just remember being really upset Brokeback didn't win over Crash. Then I remember being really mad Dolly didn't win over Three Six Mafia (I was really gaying out that year - they did both win the same year-2005-according to Wikipedia). I also remember being really high during our Oscar Party, so I suppose I lumped them all together into one giant cauldron of mad. Then the party erupted into a big kerfuffle about how the Academy was deliberately slighting and discriminating against homosexuals (again, drug/alcohol-fueled), so blaaaaaaaaaah.
Ah well, I guess I'll just go get high again.
Posted by: David at June 20, 2008 11:22 AM
Full confession: I don't hate this movie. I'm totally indifferent to it. I thought it was fairly entertaining despite the preachiness and coincidence, but altogether...fine. Whatever. Undeserving of an Oscar, certainly, but...yeah. No real feelings here.
As for naming the drink "GiGi," this is weird for me. It's what I call my grandma - who is a tea-totaller.
Posted by: HB at June 20, 2008 11:25 AM
I like my gin straight and my social commentary peppered with snark and intelligence. Thus, yes to the review and fuck no to the movie. I'll stick with "The Fox and the Hound" and a bottle of Mad Dog (to be thematic) or perhaps a Tanqueray martini, arid, with a twist.
"arid," I like that. tb
Posted by: slower lower at June 20, 2008 11:28 AM
David - you racist.
Posted by: ernesto at June 20, 2008 11:28 AM
According to our local barman, the drink is called a Horse's Neck. Apparently if you go fox hunting, this will be served. Great Boozehound review of movie that made me yell at the T.V.
That would be a great name. Various internet cocktail authorities indicate the Horse's Neck consists of some combination of brandy and ginger ale, though there are often disagreements about the contents of particular cocktail names. tb
Posted by: ChemicalCurt at June 20, 2008 11:36 AM
Gin & Ginger Beer... Mmmmm. I like my gin with gingerale, tonic, soda, or just on its own with olives. Or lemon. Let's face it, I just enjoy gin. It makes me the happiest girl at the party.
As for Crash, I tried and never made it past the first 20 minutes. Except once, but that was the Crash with Holly Hunter and one of the Arquettes and a whole lotta kinky death-defying sex.
Posted by: Pea at June 20, 2008 11:37 AM
dear lord, just attempting to wrap my mind around the plot in Ted's review gave me a first class headache, not telling what an actualy viewing of the movie would induce. My guess is violent sezieres and, unltimatly, death.
Also, much of Hitler's animosity was aggravated by Mussolini's incessant cheating at canasta.
I have had this theory for years, but no one ever listens to me!
(also, that line made me snort my iced tea...not as comfortable as you may think, kudos)
I absolutely LOVE ginger beer and would marry a bottle of Tanguray Ten if it had a good health insurance plan, consider this drink drunk!
Unfortunatly, ginger beer is hard to find around here, not sure why....
But we all know booze tastes better when you have to hunt it down (insert Elmer Fudd mental image here)
I am currently composing a long list of all the things "BD" could stand for.
Check back in an hour
Ginger beer was not available at the markets where we shop but should be readily available at specialty stores like BevMo and Trader Joe's. There's an Aussie brand, Bundaberg, that is quite spicy and good. tb
Posted by: Bethy at June 20, 2008 11:39 AM
How about "Manchester Mule," a Anglophilic play on the ginger beer and vodka "Moscow Mule." It's alliterative. The bar kids will eat it up.
Logical and rolls off the tongue; definitely under consideration. tb
Posted by: SugarFree at June 20, 2008 11:43 AM
Goats would be an upgrade for Mr. Haggis. I would prefer to see some scorpions infected with the virus from I am legend get medieval on his ass.
Posted by: bob at June 20, 2008 11:49 AM
Pea,
I'm happy you mentioned the 'Crash' with Holly Hunter. It had all kinds of warnings and ratings, but when I eventually saw it I really enjoyed it. Admittedly it's one of the weirder movies I've seen. Definitely an eye-opener.
Posted by: StephanieS at June 20, 2008 11:52 AM
I remember when this won I was at a dorm Oscar watching party and Crash and Brokeback were the only two Best Picture nominees that I'd seen. I was pulling hard for Brokeback, which had been a deeply affecting and heartbreaking movie, while Crash was, well, see above.
When they announced Crash, the room motherfucking CHEERED.
Most of these kids were in the film school.
It was the moment I realized that movies are made for shallow, self involved people by shallow, self involved people.
Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at June 20, 2008 11:54 AM
Honestly, what is WRONG with you people? Crash is an important film. Important, dammit. Now, if you'll excuse me, the goddamn Mexican maid put my white guilt in the cabinet reserved for white sense of entitlement. How many times do I have to tell her? Some best friend she's turning out to be...
Hide a gun in her cardigan pocket, send her out for groceries, and report to police you were carjacked. That'll teach her. Carjacking Latina Gangbanger. tb
Posted by: megbon at June 20, 2008 11:57 AM
Now if only haggis had included an ethnic minority character who was actually gay but gets far more recognition in the story or by the establishment in the story for their ethnic status then the film would actually have realistically predicted the nature of race relations in the academy's collective mind set that year.
Posted by: Jim at June 20, 2008 12:04 PM
Carjacking Latina Gangbanger. tb
She sounds hot. Send her my way. I only date women of color...I stay away from crackers.
No, I'm not racist, why do you ask? This is my favorite movie, because it illustrates that we are all different, we should stay within our flocks, but occasionally reach out to the black/white/indian/asian/purple pie eater sitting next to you at the bus stop. As long as you got your gat with you.
And don't hitchhike, it never ends well.
Posted by: Carjacking Latin Gangbanger of Dakaron at June 20, 2008 12:06 PM
Fuck Haggis, and fuck this movie. I own it, and whenever someone asks about it, I tell them not to watch it. I keep it as a reminder of how bad a movie can be.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 20, 2008 12:11 PM
But what if she ends up in a holding cell with a bunch of other carjackers? Doesn't that mean she'll be subjected to a host of smug, quasi-intellectual didacts with the kind of reverence for their own depth usually reserved for stoned teenagers? Jesus, Ted, she's my BEST FRIEND! I couldn't do that to her....
Posted by: megbon at June 20, 2008 12:11 PM
"I still need a name for the thing (the Gin and Ginger Beer drink)." -- Ted
May I recommend: The Gin Bohica
BOHICA = Bend over, here it comes again.
Posted by: BWeaves at June 20, 2008 12:14 PM
I have famously tried to watch this movie four times, and I have never gotten past Matt Dillon's "affirmative action" convo with Shaniqua Johnson.
Thank you for this review. If I had actually seen those events play out onscreen, I would have gouged my own eyes out with my feet.
HOW DID PEOPLE LIKE THIS MOVIE? IS IT A BIG JOKE THAT WE ALL MISSED?
Posted by: Courtie at June 20, 2008 12:16 PM
socalled has done it again.
As much as I enjoyed reading this review--one fantastic line after another!--I have the shakes now, because the review has brought back to me, vividly, the horrible horrible experience of watching this POS movie.
On the positive side, though, I had never heard of nor even considered the GiGi, and it is awesome. It is very nearly as awesome an achievement as a Unified Field Theory or a cure for cancer, and I expect to see you receiving some kind of prestigious international award for it in the near future.
I'd like to thank Kingsley Amis ... I'd like to thank the vaguely brownish people who picked the ginger used to make the ginger beer ... tb
Posted by: Jerce at June 20, 2008 12:25 PM
I have to agree with whoever said that naming the drink GiGi is weird. Not because it's the name of my tea-totaler grandmother, but because it is the name of the in-laws grossly over-weight weimaraner. His name is really Giranimo, but they call him GiGi for short. He sits up on the couch like a human and demands watermelon slices and rum and cokes with his droopy eyes.
Posted by: JTate at June 20, 2008 12:26 PM
Mr. Nonymous and I hadn't seen any of the Oscar-nominated films at the time that Crash won. We then rented them from Netflix, and learned that we absolutely hated Crash. After each one, we would say, "That was better than Crash." And finally we got to Capote. And to this day, we have no idea how that lost.
Posted by: KateNonymous at June 20, 2008 12:27 PM
Three things:
-This movie sucks dead elephant asshole.
-I adore Ted Boynton (in a totally non-threatening way - I mean, Mrs. socalled has nothing to fear. Not that you'd ever do anything to give Mrs. socalled something to fear. OK, I'm going to stop before I can't lift myself out of this hole).
-No Round Up today? I have news, but I don't want to hijack Ted's delicious column to share it. Please post a Round Up for me!
Knock yourself out, sweets. I don't think there's a round-up today, as Eloquents has its own special day and time now. tb
Posted by: Kolby at June 20, 2008 12:27 PM
HOW DID PEOPLE LIKE THIS MOVIE? IS IT A BIG JOKE THAT WE ALL MISSED?
Yes...yes it is...and Haggis is the one laughing.
It is very nearly as awesome an achievement as a Unified Field Theory or a cure for cancer, and I expect to see you receiving some kind of prestigious international award for it in the near future.
Fully and whole-heartedly agree.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 20, 2008 12:28 PM
Sweet Virgin Mary of indeterminate color, this was too good Socalled. Now I want to drink gin, glare suspiciously at anyone darker than me (which would be everyone, damn my pale Irish ass), and take a dumpster baby tanning to give it a good base to increase its value.
Posted by: Julie at June 20, 2008 12:28 PM
I don't see how Persian dude could possibly mistake blanks for live rounds (whether Persian daughter deliberately switched them or not). The weight is totally different; live rounds are much heavier. Oh, and they look different, too, because live rounds have a fucking bullet on the end of them. Blanks (at least the ones I've used) just have a shell, with the end kind of pinched inward.
In fairness to Persian Gunowner, he is presented as completely hapless and helpless in trying to purchase a firearm. tb
Posted by: Todd at June 20, 2008 12:30 PM
Man, I thought Dustin was the only one who could do real-time reviews that good. How wrong I was.
I'd love to say something clever about now, but I just can't. This review was so excellently written that I took over half an hour to read it, just taking in every sentence and laughing so hard that I didn't want it to end; I can easily say it's one of my all-time favorites.
I only saw Crash because I was visiting my brother in Cleveland and I still don't remember the channel it was on, but I swear it was the very weekend after the 2005 Oscars, so I thought that was interesting. It was also every type of crappy you could ask for.
MG, you were spot-on in your observance: reading this review is 180 degrees from actually having to watch the movie, and now my hatred for it has evaporated into just snide laughter, thanks to Ted.
Posted by: TMax at June 20, 2008 12:30 PM
As an American Indijewish Hispanicolored Albinegro Laticasian, I found this movie to be dead on. I'm down with the snark and I got buckets of bitchy, but slamming Haggis for making such a moving film is pretty goddamed douchey...
Again, I'm saying this as an American Indijewish Hispanicolored Albinegro Laticasian, so I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about.
Bitches...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 20, 2008 12:34 PM
Now, I'm no political scientist, but I don't think the African-American population of L.A. County will be swayed by the special interest braying of the Negro Carjackers Association.
God, I think I love you.
RC: [Grope grope grope]
That does it. Don't take this the wrong way, but I want to mount you now. And since B-Slim isn't around to make sexy GitS:SAC talk, you are looking prettier and prettier....
By the way, since LL's daughter is so gullible, does that mean she is going to start thinking she is really bulletproof?
Then she goes out playing, until she see a bunch of Asian women walking down the street, being harassed by someone in a car. She goes to help them (thinking she is practically invincible) and is gunned down by none other than Gunstore Guy! and subsequently in a split screen next to Pondering Carjacker in the morgue, where PG's daughter is preparing to autopsy him. Then, the movie closes on the blood from PC's body (even though blood flow should have stopped by now) and the blood from the Harmonica Guts, we realize that, while our skin colors are different, we all bleed red!
Good God, I can be a cloying simpleton screenwriter too!
By the way, since LL's daughter is so gullible, does that mean she is going to start thinking she is really bulletproof?
Excellent idea, V. I think to make it, you know, all ironical and shit, we should have LL leave the invisible cloak of bulletproofness laying around the house with the other invisible talismans, so one day HG picks up the wrong cloak, goes out and gets shot when PG's gun misfires as he tries to save her from a burning car. See, the heat from the fire set off the gun! And leaving bulletproof cloaks laying around is just like leaving a loaded gun laying around.
By the way, the thing about the blood? I can't believe they didn't actually use that idea, because you're spot-on about the ridiculously trite messaging throughout the movie. tb
Posted by: Vermillion at June 20, 2008 12:35 PM
Maybe I need to watch Crash again. I remember liking it for what it was. Ok, not great. But maybe it really was awful.
I don't think it deserved Best Picture, though. That should have been Capote.
Posted by: Robert at June 20, 2008 12:36 PM
Knock yourself out, sweets. I don't think there's a round-up today, as Eloquents has its own special day and time now. tb
Well, as long as I have your permission and there's no Round Up....
IT'S A BOY!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! And you're reading my column after squeezing out K Jr.? [Ed Grimley Jr. dance] tb
Posted by: Kolby at June 20, 2008 12:38 PM
Bethy and JTate's Comprehensive List Of Things "BD" Could Stand For:
-Big Dig (heyo Boston!)
-Bianary Digit
-Bull Dyke
-Bavarian Donut
-Big Dick (easy, but classic)
-Battle Droid
-Back Door (Sluts 9)
-Bedpost Dominatrix
-Bedhead's Diaphram
-Baby Dingo
-BoozeHound's Diatriabe
-Biblical Damnation
-Bitchy Dustin
-Bo Diddly
-Bethy's Dillusions (well documented)
Ted, there is a natural foods store in town that I am pretty sure carries ginger beer (btw, who else loves Dark and Stormies?), and while I can't drink them tonight (damn baby shower on a fridy night), sat night come hell or high water, I will be drinking GiGis!
That is quite a list. I for one am proud of your complete lack of concern for your employer's time and resources. Hmmm, Boozehound Diatribe ... that may be the tattoo idea I've been looking for! tb
Posted by: Bethy at June 20, 2008 12:39 PM
Congrads Kolby!!!
btw, pregnant in Florida in summer? You are a stronger woman that I, hope you have a/c :)
Posted by: Bethy at June 20, 2008 12:40 PM
Awww, a little Pajiboy!! I was hoping that would be your news Kolby, congratulations!!!
Posted by: Julie at June 20, 2008 12:41 PM
In fairness to Persian Gunowner, he is presented as completely hapless and helpless in trying to purchase a firearm. tb
But I thought all those Middle-Eastern people were born with AK-47s in hand, and went to jihadist summer camp at Lake ULALALALALALAAAA, which I think means "Death to the Great Satan America."
Unless...not ALL of them feriners are terrorists out to get us. Maybe even, some of them are jsut regular folks, instead of murderous thugs....oh. my. god. That is BRILLIANT!!!!!
Posted by: Vermillion at June 20, 2008 12:44 PM
oh! and one more for the list!!
-BarbadoSlim's Disapearance (suspicious, no?)
Posted by: Bethy at June 20, 2008 12:45 PM
Awww, congratulations, Kolby! And wee Kolby spawn!
Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at June 20, 2008 12:46 PM
Yay, Kolby! Congrats for the new arrival! I guess it is a bit late to say "May your next child be a masculine child," huh?
Posted by: Vermillion at June 20, 2008 12:47 PM
Bendy Dildo?
See, Kolby, it wasn't you who hijacked the thread at all, it was a mini-comment diversion on Black Detective's initials. Remember the TK diversion?
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 20, 2008 12:48 PM
Kolbs, what's your due date? You're probably right after my good friend, she just found out she's having a boy as well :)
Posted by: Julie at June 20, 2008 12:49 PM
I for one am proud of your complete lack of concern for your employer's time and resources.
Boozehound, we have our priorities in order.
Posted by: JTate at June 20, 2008 12:50 PM
Bilious Dentist (Steve Martin edition)
Bubbling Dentaldam
Booty Driller
Posted by: Julie at June 20, 2008 12:53 PM
Lock up your daughters, people. Mini-Kolby's a boy and he's gonna be a handful.
Congrats, Kolbers.
Also, re: Crash. As much as I love the man, Don Cheadle needs to be taken to task for this movie. Everyone else is of varying degrees of talent, but all of them have shown themselves to be idiots at one time or another. Cheadle - you're a friggin' genius, man. You made an NFL commercial look good. You should have known better.
I'm very disappointed in you, Don.
VERY DISAPPOINTED.
Posted by: TK at June 20, 2008 12:54 PM
Congratumalations, Kolby! I'd like to be the first to offer you and yours a course in "Effective Urban Combat For The Family", a six-week course in which you and your newborn learn how to take down common street thugs, muggers, panhandlers, and performance artists. Mother and child kevlar vests are provided, as is a switchbladed baby slingpack flask. The only thing sweeter than the smell of a baby (sans poop), is the smell of one dusted lightly with gunpowder residue...
Hold on a sec... (go on... I'm not gonna type for you... go)
MMinnmu Ss cOngr5amlatEE on BAAYB ee wfor YO!@ I baABYB SITTIsing fro frEES (...gurgle...)
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 20, 2008 12:54 PM
JTate is right...
a) its friday
b) its sunny out
c) end of a couple looong weeks here at the office
d) its friday
e) it is now an official Pajiba/Kolby holiday
f) its friday
work? nah......
Posted by: Bethy at June 20, 2008 12:54 PM
When this movie came out I was working as Development Associate in a mid-sized theater specializing in new works that focus on a lot of pertinent social issues (read: we were in a shitty blighted neighborhood of a dying industrial city trying to make theater relevant to our community).
This cinematic turd wins Best Picture, and my esteemed colleagues proceed to tell me that America has reached some kind of turning point.
UMMMM. Ya'll, political commentary is what we do for a living. We premiere works like The Exonerated and August Wilson's final play. WHAT KOOLAID DID YOU DRINK AT THE THEATER?! Put down the Koolaid.
In short, this review rocks, I wish I was drinking gin right now, and Congrats on the new Pajibaby!!
Posted by: Tammy at June 20, 2008 12:56 PM
Well fucking thanks, socalled. This review has now turned me into the Cackling Black Woman in front of all these bitch ass pilgrims(damn) at Caribou Coffee. Now they're all looking at me like I'm about to go steal their bikes.(either that, or they think I'm choking on my scone. Fuck it, if Paul Haggis has taught me anything it's the former) I'm only here to steal Wi-fi, racists! Great, now I look like Angry Black Woman because I'm screaming in a silent coffee shop about racism. And I look like Loud Black Woman because I'm reading my post out loud to the screen. It's not my fault. Black people just love to talk to screens of all shapes and sizes. We're not screenists, unlike some people.
Oh, maybe when I get arrested they'll bring Matt Dillon to feel me up. Dammit, now I look like Jungle Fever Black Woman.
What kind world is this? Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream(not the one about the underwater train) that one day I could act like a crazy fool and not have people say, "Hey, who's that crazy black girl?", but rather, "Who's that crazy person?". Person.
Before you leave, make sure to put your hand on your hip -- lots of 'tude here -- cock your head over, and wave your arm back and forth with your finger extended. Say, "Girllll ... no you di'int!" Congratulations, you're the licensed social worker in Haggis's next film, "Splash: Racism at the Marina." tb
Posted by: jM at June 20, 2008 12:56 PM
Tammy, please follow these simple instructions.
Find colleagues.
Escort them out back.
Hit them in head with shovel.
Repeat until messy.
Drive away.
Don't look back.
Posted by: TK at June 20, 2008 12:57 PM
Now I want to drink gin, glare suspiciously at anyone darker than me (which would be everyone, damn my pale Irish ass)
Don't worry, Julie, I'm sure that you could sit next to Mr. Pea and you would look positively tanned. Boy is so pale he glows.
Kolby, Congratulations! A lovely lad to raise in the scathing Pajiba ways. He'll be driving the murdertank before you know it.
Posted by: Pea at June 20, 2008 1:00 PM
CONGRATS Kolby! Now my little Pissbaby will have a friend that he can have semi-homoerotic adventures with, just like Pissboy and Shadows.
Posted by: jM at June 20, 2008 1:03 PM
Hee...Pea, I'm so pale that you can see your reflection in my sternum.
Ah the PissBaby. He/she/it can teach Kolbybaby bondage techniques and how to blow shit up.
Posted by: Julie at June 20, 2008 1:09 PM
I have never seen this movie. Sounds like it sucks abundantly. After this review, I'm not even tempted to see it. I'm pretty sure everything I need to know about race relations in this country I can get from Chapelle's Show. And McDonald's TV ads.
Funny you say that -- Chappelle's Show and similar media are the way that people's eyes get opened about this type of thing. Humor is a much better platform for this debate than huffy, melodramatic posturing. tb
Posted by: Slash at June 20, 2008 1:11 PM
Kolbaby? Bolby? Kobalby? Pajikabolby?
Posted by: TK at June 20, 2008 1:11 PM
I was an impressionable teen when I was first exposed to Haggis via Due South, which was a smart but silly Canadian show that didn't take itself too seriously. I saw previews for Crash and thought "this could be interesting - it's Haggis, the man behind my show, he can't fuck this up (and besides, Thandie Newton's kinda cute)" but never got to seeing it. I never understood the pure hate for the movie and the man until now, and let me say that Due South aside, Paul Haggis is dead to me, and I suppose if socalled is going to fall on that grenade for me, at least he should do it with many, many, GiGi chasers. Thanks for the save, socalled.
Oh and mazel tov, Kolby!
Posted by: lordhelmet at June 20, 2008 1:24 PM
Thanks everyone! The little guy hasn't made his appearance just yet - I'm due November 10th - but you can be certain that along with his first toy (graciously sent by Dustin, that old softy) he'll receive his copy of "How to Drive a Murdertank and Look Damn Fine Doing It, 101," by Tallyho Kickashaw.
I will have you know that it was QUITE obvious that we would be having a boy, if you know what I mean.
Posted by: Kolby at June 20, 2008 1:25 PM
TK, when disposing of unwanted nuisances, does "repeat until messy" mean waiting for the moaning to stop, and is it advisable to take little trophies as a warning for future nuisances? Cuz I've got this collection of pinkies and they're starting to grow flies and get a little ripe.
Posted by: lordhelmet at June 20, 2008 1:32 PM
Before you leave, make sure to put your hand on your hip -- lots of 'tude here -- cock your head over, and wave your arm back and forth with your finger extended. Say, "Girllll ... no you di'int!" Congratulations, you're the licensed social worker in Haggis's next film, "Splash: Racism at the Marina." tb
And if anyone gives me sass, I can yell, "Take the bass out yo voice!", call thirteen cousins for backup, and threaten to take my earrings out(cause that means shit's about to get real).
Ah, yes. When keeping it real goes wrong, indeed.
The GiGi sounds like a drink my family has made for as long as I can remember. Jamaicans love ginger beer. But, you are correct Sir, it is damn tasty.
Posted by: jM at June 20, 2008 1:33 PM
Ted, I had to stop reading your liveblogging at 20:43 - there was no way that I could go on reading it. Unholy Cthulhu, am I glad that I didn't go see this flop-sweat smelling piece of suckage.
And the gin and ginger beer combo sounds like a winner! I must try it at some point.
But Wanderer, there's a lot of my intellectual property in there, too. Sure, it can be had for a shot and a cheap feel at a bar on any given night, but you're getting it for free. tb
Posted by: The Wanderer at June 20, 2008 1:37 PM
TK,
It's like you have a window to the Scrubs-like fantasy sequences that would go off in my brain whenever said colleague would speak...
Posted by: Tammy at June 20, 2008 1:38 PM
Aww, go Kolby! A little Pajiboy bun in the oven! I like TK's "Kolbaby" suggestion. Sounds like something from the Colbert Report. Cute!
Jeremy, regarding your comment wayyy above (written by a Rich, White Man from California who has most likely never been discriminated against), I must sadly point out that Gaggis isn't from California, he's *sniff* from Canada *sob, wail*.
Why did I admit that? Apologies, fellow Canucks of Pajibaland.
Posted by: MO at June 20, 2008 1:39 PM
Congratulations Kolby. Obviously a very classy baby, as he's due on my birthday.
I share the Don Cheadle love with TK, but I do have to point out an abomination in his past. Mission To Mars, anyone?
I have to confess I kind of love him even in that. And I'll watch anything with Gary Sinise in it.
Posted by: StephanieS at June 20, 2008 1:41 PM
"I'd clusterfuck Thandie Newton.
Posted by: Mr. Manly at June 20, 2008 11:13 AM"
I just burned my face with projectile coffee snorting. Ow.
Mr Manly is awesome. :D
Kolby, name him Shmaul! It's so awesome and pretty sounding! Congrats!
Posted by: Loob at June 20, 2008 1:43 PM
Cheadle - you're a friggin' genius, man. You made an NFL commercial look good. You should have known better.
I'm very disappointed in you, Don.
VERY DISAPPOINTED.
Relax, TK. I have spent many long, sweaty, intense, weeks making sure that Mr. Cheadle has learned his lesson. Also, BD stands for one thing and one thing only:
Black DragonDongDon
...I know, it's a mouthful.
Posted by: jM at June 20, 2008 1:46 PM
This movie is ridiculously unrealisitic. Only three Mexicans living in a house that could easily accomodate a couple of sisters, some nephews a cousin or two and an abuelo? Yeah right. And all the Latino characters in this movie were gainfully employed!
Way to miss out on an opportunity to show how it really is, Haggis.
Not to mention that Latino marrieds only had one child, a daughter clearly old enough that they could have had four or five more since her birth. C'mon Haggis! tb
Posted by: Vee at June 20, 2008 1:47 PM
Thanks a fucking lot, Canada.
Fuckin' jerk.
Posted by: TK at June 20, 2008 1:47 PM
I would just like to officially nominate jM's laughing-in-front-of-white-people post for the Eloquent Eloquence Top Five.
I'm a little late because it took several paper towels to clean the spew off my monitor.
Also, please put your earrings back in, because you are frightening me.
Sincerely,
A Bitch-Ass Pilgrim So White She Probably Glows in the Dark
Posted by: Jerce at June 20, 2008 1:49 PM
I'm sorry. We just didn't want to keep Haggis or water-lovin-Celine to ourselves.
[hangs head in shame].
Posted by: Pea at June 20, 2008 1:52 PM
Seriously Jerce, jM's comments have quickly become some of my favorites.
Boozehound also is grateful for jM's frequent appearances. tb
Posted by: Julie at June 20, 2008 1:52 PM
I will have you know that it was QUITE obvious that we would be having a boy, if you know what I mean.
I'm gonna have to look this up, aren't I?
Congratulations, Kolby!!! Here's a GiGi to the next generation of snarky bitches!!!
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 20, 2008 1:59 PM
Black DragonDongDon
he..
hee...
hehe....
hehehehee.....
HEHE....
HEHEHAHAHEHEHAHEHHAHEHEHAHEHRHEE!!!!!
[snort]
Thanks, I needed that jM :)
Posted by: Bethy at June 20, 2008 1:59 PM
I think all offspring of Pajiba should be called Pajibaby, or in the plural (assuming some of Pajibaland is getting some nookie) Pajibabies.
Posted by: Vee at June 20, 2008 2:02 PM
Jesus, Ted. Since you put it that way, I fucking hate this film!
Posted by: slouchmonkey at June 20, 2008 2:06 PM
Lordhelmet - I liked Due South too, and for that reason I gave Crash a chance.
Having seen Crash, I can only assume that when Due South was made, somebody with greater power than Haggis kept him on a very short leash. I guess he was just biding his time waiting for a wider canvas and more money...
Posted by: Tarn at June 20, 2008 2:08 PM
This is one of those films where Mrs. socalled and I started laughing a few minutes in, then just began openly mocking every scene (watching at home of course). tb
Of course, because only black people are loud in the theatre.
Nah, the Mexicans are pretty inconsiderate that way, too, as well as Indians (dot, not feather; Native Americans are remarkably polite in public, displaying emotion only when someone throws litter from a passing car). tb
Posted by: feramones at June 20, 2008 2:15 PM
Great review. Now I can feel relief at leaving it off of my Netflix queue. And kudos to mentioning Amis. Chapter 6 of Lucky Jim remains my all-time favorite descriptions of a hangover (5 Levels not included, of course.) Seriously folks, if you haven't read it, go to a bookstore or a library and just enjoy it in the aisle.
On the drink naming:
Ginger's scientific name: Zingiber officinale
Gin is from the Dutch: Jenever
...so I propose a Jenny Zing!
Which has the added benefit of sounding like it would cost an extra 50 Euro in De Wallen.
Posted by: W.E.Coyote at June 20, 2008 2:20 PM
Don't worry Jerce, the earrings are back in. But only because I have to dance in rap video and they make you provide your own wardrobe. My secret is to shop in Baby Gap for the more casual scenes and one of those stores that provide dance costumes for toddlers when it's a club scene.
jM's tips for Video Ho-ing: Vol. 1
It's all in the eyes. So put on your best abortion face!
Make sure that shirt is short enough to show your C-section scar.
If you can't bend over and touch the floor in 6 inch heels, you are just wasting everyone's time.
Remember a working Ho is a happy Ho. But not too happy.(see "abortion face")
Posted by: jM at June 20, 2008 2:21 PM
Awww shucks, guys. I feel warm and fuzzy.
Posted by: jM at June 20, 2008 2:27 PM
I saw this entire movie once in my own livingroom and just felt "duh" about it afterwards. Like why the fuck did I bother sort of thing, but this review... is... pure... GOLD!
I work in a print shop and so I printed it out on 25% cotton, virgin wood paper, harvested from trees in forests where spotted owls nest. It looks great and I'm going to reread it again after work while sipping margaritas at a local bar.
Thank you.
May I sincerely say thank you, and I hope you chuckle yourself into an orgasm. Now, my as of yet unanswered question, Tri-Tip: Beef afficianado? Multi-prong dildo enthusiast? Or boring ol' Neptune devotee? I'm dying to know. tb
Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at June 20, 2008 2:57 PM
This was sofuckingamazing.
Oh My Teddy, your ability to write smart fantasmic reviews makes me swoon.
I originally was one of the people that pushed this movie, having just completed my B.Ed. I wanted to spread the word of EQUITY and end racism everywhere. I thought this was an appropriate tool with which to use.
3 years later, I am embarrased.
Also, I am making myself a gigi asap.
Well, then, double-chuckley orgasms for you. Keep spreading the word, just don't use schlocky bad nonsense screenplays to do it. tb
Posted by: justamanda at June 20, 2008 2:58 PM
"Now, my as of yet unanswered question, Tri-Tip: Beef afficianado? Multi-prong dildo enthusiast? Or boring ol' Neptune devotee? I'm dying to know. tb"
Hard-core-to-the-bone beef afficianado. I only wish they made tiny cows so I could keep a few in the backyard to grill at will.
Got the nickname Goddess from my fiance after the first summer I spent with him rocking his world. So I guess two great tastes that taste great together?
Wow, that answer was so hot it kind of burned my eyebrows off. Steak and hot monkey sex are very chocolate-and-peanut-buttery when you really think about it. I think if you two introduced the multi-pronger into the relationship, you could accomplish a lot of meta-irony while also keeping the passions burning. But leave the tridents to the experts. tb
Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at June 20, 2008 3:09 PM
Racoons aren't rodents.
Posted by: Marianne at June 20, 2008 3:36 PM
RE: the "Horses neck", follow this link to the origin of the drink. There is no gin, but you can add sweet, sweet brandy. I'll stick with the gimlet during the summer months for my gin consumption.
Posted by: Reding at June 20, 2008 3:40 PM
Sorry, raccoons. Aren't rodents.
Posted by: Marianne at June 20, 2008 3:40 PM
Marianne be schoolin' us, yo.
Posted by: Kolby at June 20, 2008 3:52 PM
Crash is dung.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at June 20, 2008 3:56 PM
Ted, I feel justified in thinking that you're ignoring me, when I have given you by far the most glowing review in this Comments section.
NO Pajiba writer has posted more responses to comments than you have on this particular epistle, yet you totally ignore my absolute adoration of your writing talent (see 12:30pm post, you jerk).
Here's a lil' factoid you might find revealing: in my ORIGINAL DRAFT of my comment (yes, I take up to an hour perfecting them- shows, don't it?) I wanted to mention how I'd never been particularly fond of your columns in my 2-plus year history with Pajiba. I personally thought Dustin, Daniel & Philip were the major talents in the original group, and newbies like Ranylt, TK and socalled were instantly more accessible to me than you were, what with your alcohol-laden, poor-choices-in-movies reviews that I couldn't finish, well... I could go on and on
but NO- I cannot denegrate your character and/or your undeniable talent. I've already stated that your review here cracked me consistently up, & I won't take that back.
But I have no one in my life now, and I need a response from you more than these other sods you've been answering.
I know, I know: I've just "pulled a Heigl" - that is, a very public missive to a public that may not particularly give a fuck about your opinion, in case you were wondering, Kath.
But Ted, I always thought Dustin, Daniel, and later Ranylt, TK, AB, Philip and John- ALL these guys were better than you! You just really rocked me with this review!
I'm just sayin', don't be takin' my comments lightly. It's hot here down south, I'm pissed off at my job enough and wantin' to put a bullet through my head, but you Paji people somehow keep me waking up every morning & pretending to work while I scrape up every new article I can find when time permits.
Shuttin' up, now, finally made it to Friday - it helps to take off at 1:00-2:00pm, so I'm properly sauced by the time I post this.
And I'm just yankin' your chain, Ted - wanted to put the 'bitchy' in contrast to your 'scathing' and brilliant review, so don't take it seriously.
Great weekend to all.
Did you just boil my virtual bunny, Travis Bickle? You are correct, of course, that Dustin, Daniel, Ranylt, TK, AB, Philip and John - and don't forget Seth, litely, Becklooo, and Prisco! -- are better than me. But when you go comparing me unfavorably to that motherfucking hack socalledonlycousins, well that's where I draw the line, mister. tb
Posted by: TMax at June 20, 2008 4:39 PM
Fucking brilliant write-up. I'm glad I wasn't drinking a GiGi because it would have ended up all over my computer.
Posted by: Dave at June 20, 2008 4:56 PM
It's been some years since I saw this, and I certainly have no plans to see it again (although the reminder that Tony Danza is in it...DANZA! was certainly welcome). So can someone explain to me why David Beckham is screaming in the photo? Did Posh tell him to watch it so he could learn all about US race relations before making the big move o LA? Seriously though...who the fuck is that?
Posted by: Cara at June 20, 2008 6:56 PM
Funny... I thought it was Jason Statham.
Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at June 20, 2008 7:04 PM
As a council member of the Negro Carjackers Association (NCA) I feel as though the comments on this page are misrepresenting us as a whole. Our influence amongst black voters in the community is a sought after benefit many politicians and gangster rappers desire. We have worked hard to encourage youth to jack only the finest cars from the finest folks as not to discourage the local community. We feel as though bitch ass pilgrims can always buy another [boat] and as long as the car goes to good use, we are not harming anyone. The circumstances in the film represent the typical approach for any political figure that has crossed our organization. In this case we would simply have avoided court and put two bullets in his grape while that buster ass mark was slipping, therefor effectively avoiding any other legal repercussions.
Posted by: Gamal at June 20, 2008 7:11 PM
In this case we would simply have avoided court and put two bullets in his grape while that buster ass mark was slipping, therefor effectively avoiding any other legal repercussions.
Funniest legal comment I have ever heard. I would pay my lawyer lots and lots of money I don't have to hear him say this in a courtroom.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 20, 2008 9:20 PM
I think he looks like he just scored the winning goal against racism.
Good guesses by all, but the picture shows Latino Locksmith inadvertently but ironically crushing the life out of his non-gunshot daughter. tb
Posted by: Cara at June 20, 2008 9:24 PM
Kolby should totally name the kid Paul Haggis. Godtopus desires it
Posted by: TheSharp at June 20, 2008 9:36 PM
Ted,
You may want to reconsider the name GiGi. Gigi is the name of a sex toy sold by Passion Parties. It is a silicon tube meant to simulate oral pleasure.
Unless this is the thing that you are going for by naming the drink after the toy.
Hmmm, I was not aware of that (as far as you know); but it is possible the two would make me feel similarly pleasant sensations. After all, gin and ginger beer is excellent but no replacement for a Vesper. And this silicon tube you speak of ... well, analogy complete, and let's leave it at that. tb
Posted by: Melody at June 20, 2008 11:38 PM
It is a silicon tube meant to simulate oral pleasure.
Now that is taking "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" right over the line.
Posted by: Jay at June 20, 2008 11:54 PM
I never watched Crash, as a friend of mine was reduced to a being of pure, white, unspeaking rage after seeing it, and I figured I'd save my anger for something more worthwhile.
But I always felt that I probably should endure it one day, if only to give me a solid reason to dismiss people who like the film.
So thanks for saving 2 hours of my life and letting me know that i can continue to write off people that think this is a great film! Also, mad drink recipe.
Posted by: Anja at June 21, 2008 4:41 AM
It's amazing that the relatively simple message of "Everyone's a little bit racist", which Avenue Q managed to express in a relatively succinct 5 minutes 27 seconds takes nearly 2 hours to play out in this overrated piece of claptrap, and with a fraction of the humour, honesty and pathos.
Avenue Q = TeH Win.
Crash = Epic Fail.
Posted by: Shay at June 21, 2008 11:00 AM
(Or maybe it's just my irrational love of singing puppets talking?)
Posted by: Shay at June 21, 2008 11:01 AM
This movie quite literally pissed me off. I remember feeling angry when I left the theater, and not at all the righteous anger Haggis intended. The bad kind. The ripped off kind. Which is weird for me because I rarely feel much of anything emotion-wise when I leave a theater.
Not this time.
Posted by: bucdaddy at June 21, 2008 3:59 PM
LAST??!!
No?? How do I-- ah, fuckit
Posted by: Desparatelyseeking attention at June 22, 2008 4:59 PM
MO: He is? FUUUUUUUUUCK! DAMMIT TO HELL! Can we just export him off to some other far away country and just pretend we aren't responsible for him? We can't? Son of a BITCH.
Posted by: Jeremy at June 22, 2008 8:20 PM
I didn't have a hell of a lot of faith left in the Oscars but after they totally pussied out of giving the Best Film Oscar to Brokeback Mountain in order to pay homage to this steaming pile of monkey poo - well that was just the last straw.
I love this. I may need to print it out and mail it to my grandma, who hated this film as much as me because she's that cool.
Posted by: amanda at June 24, 2008 7:24 AM
When I first saw this movie on DVD I liked it. I actually thought it was good. I rewatched it again the next day and was befuddled by my misperceptions from the night before. This lead me to one realization and a piece of advice; Vicodin taken in excessive quantities, not booze, can make any movie a good movie.
Yet another heartwarming story about the restorative healing power of narcotics. tb
Posted by: B-rant at June 30, 2008 6:01 PM
Thanks for ripping the hell out of the pile of cow dung that is Crash. I want to be an Upstanding Negro like Terry Howard's character but I'll guess I'll have to settle for being a normal-human-being-with-no-racial-stereotype. I'm sorry but this shitty excuse for a script beat The Squid and The Whale? Paul Haggis is a bigger film criminal than Roland Emmerich for this film alone. I'd rather watch 10,000 B.C nonstop for a week than to watch Crash just once more. Fucking douchebag. Fuck! Haggis has just turned me into mildly-angry-comment-posting-Negro! Noooooooooo!
I think we can get you a guest shot as Mold-Breaking Negro Who Defeats Stereotypes By Using a Computer, first popularized in the film Die Hard. It's always a tiny bit part, but that (invariably nerdy and clean-cut) young colored man shows ol' whitey that the Caucasion hegemony of computer dominance is over. Of course, Vermillion tends to get all of those roles these days. tb
Posted by: C Stars at July 1, 2008 9:22 AM
