Pajiba

Weapon:

A mace. You can't beat a good old iron ball with pointy bits for ripping the flesh out of your enemies.

Sidekicks:

The Doctor.
He can talk his way out of anything. Wouldn't hurt if he were of the Ecclestone or Tennant versions either. A girl needs some diversion in the down time.

My mother.
Scariest woman I've ever known. I've seen her make grown men weep. She would guilt the zombies into surrender. And if that doesn't work, well, maybe one of them would rip her head off when she starts on about how the way they're living their lives is SOOOO disappointing after everything she's done for them.

1.A katana (good and slicey)

2.Wolverine (good and slicey)and Johnny Storm (could make the zombies nice and crispy, and cook any dead badger we'd inevitably need to eat for sustenance once society collapses)

1) That's a tough one. Machete is a good choice, but I can't steal yours. Probably a baseball bat w/ spikes coming out of the head, ala The Bear Jew, but extra prickly.

2) That one's easier. First, my girl (because I gotta, also it'd be kind of a turn-on to see her bloody up some undead), and second, one of my bff's, Brian Whalen, because he's burly and also the funniest person I've ever known, and if there's anybody who could add levity and guffaws to the possibility of being murdered by an army of stiff-walkers, it is he.

I need to change mine; Wolverine and Johnny would both want to keep any survivor girls to themselves ,they'd fight, and after Logan's skin un-charcoaled itself, Johnny would be dead. I don't know who to replace them with though...

1. Lotion - after all, maybe the zombies aren't bad. Maybe they're just irritated with dry skin.
2. I'd take Zooey Deschanel and Conrad. Conrad would have to deal with applying the above-mentioned lotion to the zombies, whilst I try to convince Zoe the only way we're gonna save the world is if she lets me diddle around in her fuzzpatch.

[1] Surgical decapitation cloppers, amped up with portable hydrolic assist to cut the fuckers' heads off.

[2a] The Bride from Kill Bill -- because THAT would be sexy.

[2b] Trinity from the Matrix. See [2a]

Chinese Sword

Dr. Strange and Forge, Fuckin magic and technology, What god could stop us?

Weapon: The crowbar.

Companion #1: Ernest Hemingway. Hunter, fisher, camper, boxer, mean-ass drunk, who can also then later write about my legendary world-saving exploits.

Companion #2: Milla Jovovich as Alice. Previous kickass zombie experience and eventual partner in repopulating the Earth.

Oh yes. I love this.

Weapon of choice: A katana. No ammo required. Super light. Guaranteed not to break. Plus, I'm pretty sure I could use it to slice them in half vertically. If I'm going to be killing hordes then I'm going to need some variety. And, katanas are sexy. If I have to kill ugly monsters I'm gonna look good doing it.

Fighting companions: Commander Data and Iggy Pop. Data because he has super-human strength and, well, he's not human. He could fight his way out of the middle of a ravenous horde by ripping them limb from limb. Iggy Pop because you know he could cause some major damage to a zombie and be totally fucking hilarious while doing so.

I'm replacing Johnny Storm with River Tam; I'd just hand her the katana and curl up in a corner and piss myself quietly while her and Wolvie do their stuff.

1. MurderTank, 2010 Edition - it has an iPod dock!

2. Wendel and his pouch of ninja poofs and (stolen from myself earlier) a spunky, but loveable mutt with a knack for showing up at the last minute and ultimately saving the day, whether that means befriending a field-goal kicking mule or helping a little orphan girl win a local bake-off and telling all the cool kids who poked fun at her for having a lobster-claw hand to fuck off right before the MurderTank thunders in...

1) A reusable cerebral bore. Cute an tennis ball sized, you throw it at a group of zombies and watch it leak tentacle-drills that, well, bore into the cerebellum.

2a) Harry Dresden. He's got zombie experience and enough magic to get the rest of us away from whatever we might run into.

2b) Batman. You can never go wrong with Batman.

Weapon: Same answer I gave Liz, machete. Light, gets the job done, and I can intimidate others as I sharpen it unsettlingly with a rock. The picture will really be complete if I'm wearing an eyepatch and they're peering at me across the flames of a campfire after I've just made a quip that alludes to the possibility that I've killed more than just zombies.

Crew: Real - The Statham, for fighting and fucking. Bear Grylls, for surviving and fucking. Fictional - Dr. Manhattan. But he's such downer.

1. Shaolin Spade. Sharp, and enables me to fight slightly out of arms length of the undead.
2. The Bear Jew (who has proven his skills at head smashing for close range combat) and Shaun of the Dead, because I'll need some levity and a cricket bat.

Delurking because this was a fun question and I like all things zombie related.

1. Kukri knife. My husband has one that an Indian soldier gave him and it's pretty bad ass. And it has bonus wee little knives that would come in handy.

2. Ellen Ripley and Harry Dresden. They both have proven to be kick-ass survivors against overwhelming odds. And because come on, they could knock a zombie down with their awesomeness alone.

Oooh, Katers, Ripley is an AWESOME answer.

There is a logical fallacy in this question that must be addressed. So you're only allowed a real weapon for yourself, but your companions can have superpowers and imaginary weapons? Fuck that. If my partner gets a light saber I want one too dammit!

For the love of godtopus people, stick to real weapons and actual humans for partners. When the zombie apocalypse comes for real I don't want to hear any whining about how "if only I had my first choice choice of Wonder Woman at my side I wouldn't be craving your brains right now!"

Mr. Barnacle
Box of Condoms (you'll understand in a second)

2. Dr. Manhattan.

...Dr Manhattan is a walking God, I very much doubt he has any diseases let alone Sexually Transmitted ones

And I highly doubt he could get anyone one pregnant (Not making any assumption based on your user name; if half of females on the internet are only males pretending, there have to be some males that are only females pretending)

ed newman
For the love of godtopus people, stick to real weapons and actual humans for partners. When the zombie apocalypse comes for real I don't want to hear any whining about how "if only I had my first choice choice of Wonder Woman at my side I wouldn't be craving your brains right now!"

Going to the logical extreme, all that would be need to fend of the zombies would be a 6 tonnes of cheetos, 12 gallon of cool-aid, and Transformers 2 playing on a loop at nearest drive-in

1.) Golf Club, like a 7 Iron, with a nice edge to it - sharpened to a point. Less wind resistance on the swing than a baseball bat and more force on the point.

Other Melee Weapon - Katana, preferably made by Hanzo Haratori.

Backup weapon, Dragunov sniper rifle. If you're getting guns, might as well go with the biggest.

2.) Michael Weston, for his many talents and Kaylee Frye for her mechanical ability. That and we'll have to repopulate the Earth once Z-Day is over.

Jesus you fucking people and your hand to hand combat weapons. I got in the same argument with Rusty on Lizzie's poll. Why wear yourselves out? If you're surrounded you're fucked. Plus, for all those who want to use an axe/anything with spikes/a blade...what do you do when said weapon gets stuck in a skull? Bring on the argument people. I've already heard sound/ammo/reload time. Now...my choices.

Weapon:
Remington 870 Express Super Magnum shotgun. Why? Well one, I already own it. Two: The ammo for a 12 gauge shotgun is easy to find. Any ammo/gun store has rounds after rounds of it. Just go to your local Walmart and see how many rounds of 12 gauge they have. Plus, the 870 can shoot the 2 3/4", 3", and the 3 1/2". So...even more 12 gauge rounds to choose from. Three: it can be used as a bludgeoning weapon. Its like swinging a bat, trust me.

Bringing:
1.)My best friend Steven who is in the Airborne and is being pegged for Ranger school. He's already gone through Scout school and Airborne school and they are ready to send him to Sniper and Ranger school. Did I mention he's also a zombie nut?
2.)ashes because she's the only person I know who is as obsessed with zombies as I am. With that much knowledge...how can I lose? Well that and she's, well, female.

Weapon: Katana. Light, durable and razor sharp. Just like my rapist wit.

Wingman #1: Iron Chef Rokusaburo Michiba. Have you seen that motherfucker clean a fish? Bad. Ass.

Wingman #2: A Hungry-Hungry Headbadger. Size of a hippo, but trained in the use of deadly force.

Thanks, Rebecca, that is exactly what I meant.

Deist, you bring the gun and I will bring my encyclopedia like knowledge of all things zombie and meet me at the nearest Walmart. Make sure it's one of those Super Walmart's actually, those bitches have everything.

I still stand by my katana. A good katana is sharp enough to slice through a skull like butter. Plus, there is no reloading time or possibility of it getting jammed like there is with a shotgun. You just spin around and cut bits off the next zombie. A proper katana will save on a lot of unnecessary exertion that a duller weapon, like an axe or a claymore, would require.

Can I just get on a boat and take Mega-Shark and Giant Octopus along? They'd probably catch the virus from eating corpses and then I'd have Zombie-mega-shark and Zombie-Giant-Octopus to contend with. On the one hand I'm screwed, but on the other-Giant Zombies!

Weapon: my cunning ability to hide and be vewwy vewwy quiet? Seriously, I'm small and without a lot of strength, and I've never actually touched a gun and have no idea how to use one. (Yeah, yeah, I'd learn. Or die. Whatever.)

Wingman #1: Danny Trejo. He may be Napolean-sized, but he is TERR.I.FYING. He might actually be able to scare zombies to death.

Wingman #2: TK. Duh! He has the experience and the passion for it. When I very first read an article on Pajiba (no idea what it was about at this point), I started reading the comments and TK wrote something which ended, "I'll be down in the basement, sharpening things." Immediately, I thought, these are my kind of people! Sold!

This is gonna be a red dwarf themed post but the weapon would have to be kryten...

Companion 1: would be alternate universe rimmer otherwise known as Ace. Not only could he fight well but he would always be saying smoke me a kipper ill be back for breakfast.

Companion 2: the Cat, he has very good driving skills and his love of clothes means something would likely go wrong in the on foot chase scene so he would get eaten first. Plus nine lives.

1) Pump action shotgun with bayonet attachment.

2) Chuck Norris and Dalton from Road House.

Even though there is the inevitability that I will run out of ammo, I would rather avoid hand-to-hand (partly for the reason outlined in the Cracked article. I would go for a handgun, partly because it's easier to run with, and partly because I'm small and likely couldn't hold up, let alone aim, a large shotgun.

As for who I'd bring: my brother because he knows more about zombies than anyone else I know, and, to go off a few others, the Statham.

Weapon: I'm sticking with Deist and Wakeful up there. I'm picking a Winchester 1300 with extended magazine tube (I find Remingtons a bit muzzle heavy for my tastes). One modification though; I'll be attaching a bayonet lug. There, I just got around all of you melee people and your "IT'S GONNA JAM!!" nonsense. (Have any of you ever actually tried to jam a 12 gauge pump? It's damn near impossible.)

Sidekicks: Les Stroud (used to surviving on next to nothing and excellent harmonica player) and (going historical for a moment) Theodore Roosevelt.

1) a huge hammer, simply cause I've always wanted to bash someone's head with one of those. it's a childhood dream.

2)Neil Patrick Harris because lately looks like he can really do anything and be awesome in the meantime, plus I'm certain he still retains some medical knowledge from is doogie days.

John McClain. cause he seams to gain superpowers as he ages, I mean he shoot a helicopter with a car, what are a few zombies gonna do to him?
plus he can get it on with doogie...I'm such a generous person.

MM:

[fist bump]

I'll send you my address. You can burn the bodies of the rest of these jackasses.

There are three groups of people in the world.
Those who are prepared for the zombie uprising
those who are not
and those who will kill those who are prepared because the prepared were already annoying enough without having to hear them say over and over, "Didn't I tell you this would happen?". And we would rather live without that shit.
Of course, we will only kill them after the zombies are eliminated.

This requires careful planning

Zombie Weapons of Choice:

Short Range, a claymore, I'd name her Catherine (all weapons are female)

Mid Range, An Air Gun, like in No Country for Old Men, or possibly a flamethrower, gas is easier to get than that compressed air.

Long Range, an M16, and yes, it's good to have all three.

______________________________________________________________

Sidekicks:

Buffy, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, she likes slaying zombies too, at least, I'm pretty sure she would. Plus, the woman's a goddess, I'd totally be eaten alive by zombies if it meant helping Buffy.

Link, from The Legend of Zelda, he has lots of zombie experience with the whole Redead thing, and I would like to know how he communicates with others. Also, the Sun Song played on his Ocarina temporarily paralyzes zombies.

gotta agree with u deistbrawler about the longer distance weapons versus close quarters but it all depends on the type of zombies. I know they werent zombies but in the dusk till dawn supernatural world theyd probably be pretty easy to kill. But most long range weapons for hunting wont do the damage needed on the average zombie I know my bow wouldnt... Shotguns are all good and great but surely thered be issues on distance?

But you could always go the buffy season three route and just blow up your supernatural creature...

Actually now I think about it they arent strictly zombies but blackest night zombies ie (black lanterns) are bloody difficult to kill.

1. Remember that crazy sumbitch who made that Bear Outfit? NO NOT A SUIT THAT LOOKS LIKE A BEAR, BUT A SUIT THAT CAN TAKE ON A BEAR ATTACK! Anyhow, he had some dipshit friend of his slam into him with a truck and the guy still got up & walked. You fit that thing with a flamethrower and a shotgun? Hell yes...

2. Sounds dumb, but some rich motherhumper with one of those gigantic friggin' luxury yachts and his own crew onboard. bradm said a ways up that "the land's gone dude". No shit - gimme a guy with a crew on a yacht who knows his way around. Fresh fish, full bar... The other person would be someone who has access to and a fantastic working knowledge of them little friggin' helicopters. Again, land's gone - the ability to drop down, get what you need, and take off again would be ideal. Shit, he could just dangle me and my bear suit from a cable and fly me up and down Broadway as I mow down and burn the hordes...

1. Choosing the proper weapon in case of...I mean, when the zombie apocalypse happens is essential to survival. While I'd love to say I'm all hyped up for hand to hand combat, I fear my jacked up wrists and knees will lead to a quick demise. I'd require a long rage weapon that can be reloaded quickly but also function as a short range weapon to bash some skulls.

A crossbow works for me. If I can haul 100+ pound keyboards and amps to gigs into NYC, I can handle a slew of arrows and a bulkier weapon. With a little practice, my trusty crossbow will be more accurate than a traditional longbow. Bonus points for offering two close range solutions: bludgeon with the crossbow, or stab with the arrows.

2. I'm taking a defensive strategy here. If I choose people who are far larger, slower, and less agile than I, I have two living, breathing meat shields to sacrifice as a diversion. Let's say Rosie O'Donnel and Harvey Fierstein. That way, I can live out two of my fantasies at once: starring in a Broadway-calibre musical (oh, the fun we'll have singing murderous showtunes), and killing some zombies. Maybe Rosie can knit me a cross-bow cozy and while Harvey critiques one of my original shows.

Until, you know, the meat shield defense.

TK,

[return fist bump]

I may not be much in combat, but I'm more than happy to take on other necessary tasks, such as burning infected bodies. I can scavenge like nobody's business.

Robert, I like the phrase "meat shield defense." I am always a big believer in not having to be the fastest, just faster than the slowest person. However, this is a zombie apocalypse we're talking about. You will have more than two encounters with gangs of zombies, and then your meat shield is gone. And you're alone. With no one to help you fight. And no one to talk to. Sadness.

well, my original answer to question one stands: an axe. (I mean, this is *me* we're talking about. I have a collection. And experience.)

My original answer to #2 was... well, TK for starters, cuz he's been preparing for far longer than anyone else I've ever met. I can't remember who #2 was. Probably Ash or someone of the like.

However, my brother's answer takes the cake. And I quote, "Ash and a T-1000. I could bring a recliner to that slaughter."

If I could only get him to read the site, he'd really fit in around here.

deist how big is the bullseye you are shooting at? In archery terminology thats an "inner ring" or gold. How big is the "choke" (is that the right term?) on your shotgun?

With my bow I should get a body shot at 50 yards and a head shot at half that. But then an arrow would probably go through a decaying zombie and not cause enough damage to stop it in its tracks unless I pierced two together.

The larger weapons do have the benefit of being able to be used in close quarters as well when in dire straits. Pistol whipping a zombie just lacks class.

I'm going to go with a LAW (Light Antitank Weapon). It blows the shit out of tanks - so it could be used against hoards of zombies. Plus, it makes a really cool air-pop sound when it goes off. And it's light!

Since I'll likely be riding atop a tank or some such vehicle, I'm taking Alex Skarsgard with me. If we get a minute, we can drop inside for a quickie, and if he's in character (as Eric) and things look bad, he can turn me and we'll live happily ever after. Failing that, Iron Man will be by my side as well.

Weapon: Hypnotoad. Can hypnotize all zombies into thinking they're not actually zombies at all and thus do not crave my flesh.

Sidekicks: Alexander Skarsgård for fucking. Ewan McGregor for even more fucking.

I'll be fine.

Hmmm... if we could pick fictional weapons, I would definitely go with a lightsaber. But since that's a no-no:

Katana - I've always wanted one anyway.

Adam Baldwin - he's a tough, wisecracking gorgeous hunk. (Hey, after we kill the zombies, we might have to repopulate the earth! You never know!)

Phoenix - With her telekinesis, we wouldn't even have to get up close to the zombies.

cockroach, probably for the best you changed your mind. myysharona I think choosing wolverine as your partner is a mistake.

Weapon: Ruger 10/22 with laser sight & a bunch of banana clips. .22 ammo is plentiful, easy to carry in ridiculously large amounts, easy to fire in large amounts and, as a wise man once said, "a .22 in the head hurts more than a .44 in the toe." *Especially* for Zombies.

companions:

bear grylls
kari byron

Weapon: A Jai Alai Cesta or a sling. Range, people, range. Personally, I don't want to get too close to any zombie.

People: First, many of you are picking super-heroes so, I'll do the same. I'm going with Optimus Prime for transportation and size factor. Also an axe hand, a gun, a little remote rover and the Matrix...What?!, It will light my darkest hour. Second, Eva Green - you know, for conversation.

Browning single-action bolt rifle and enough ammo to clear out the undead hordes.

LEGIB:

Yes.

Which is why, based on that pic alone, I'm changing one of my picks to Alice from Resident Evil.

I like the idea of a baseball bat or a mace (not the swing-y kind, the kind like a scepter), but I'd like to kill some zombies as they're coming toward me instead of waiting until they're in my personal space. So I think I have to go with a shotgun. Kills from a distance, and can be used like a club.

I can't choose real people for my sidekicks because I can't narrow it down to just two.

But for who I want flanking me in my own zombie-apocalypse movie? I'll go with Vasquez from Aliens and Mace from Strange Days. Two totally bad-ass women who are determined as fuck, unwaveringly loyal, and don't let pain slow them down. AND they each come with their own weapons.

I did think about Ripley, because she's maybe my favorite film character EVER, but she's no sidekick -- I'd be worried about me surviving, frankly. People around her tend to die bloody deaths.

So yeah: me, a shotgun, Mace, and Vasquez.

You have to think long term.
Refineries are dead and ammo stores will run out, so any weapon requiring ammunition or fuel becomes a liability over time as supplies become scarce and hunting for them becomes increasingly risky. You either need transportation that relies on burning wood, solar energy or wind and weapons that rely on available, non explosive materials (Of course, if I was allowed mythical weaponry, Kratos’ Blades of Chaos is the final word in whippy-chainy-slicy zombie death- plenty of killing distance and zero ammo. Accept No Substitutes)

My zombie apocalypse strategy involves me and my sidekicks (Statham for security, Christina Hendricks for...ummm... converation) reaching a harbour, stealing a large, sturdy yacht, fishing rods, nets, alcohol, weed, topsoil, seeds and assorted canned foodstuffs. The plan is then to spend as much time as possible floating around a shark infested harbour in case they go for a seafloor walk, Land of the Dead style, catching seafood and returning only for supplies or maintenance as required.

In other words, my boring real world weapon would be Father Time. This might be a problem if the zombies remain in physical stasis, however if their flesh continues to rot 28 Days Later style, it would take a handful of months to ride out the worst, avoid the inevitable typhoid and cholera epidemics then return 12-24 months later to clean up the mess.

However the more likely scenario involves Statham using bits of my ribcage for fishhooks after he flays my flesh off for bait (after he gets bored with catching sharks with only a snorkel and a bowie knofe), before ramming the explosive laden yacht into an oil refinery overrun by ravening zombie hordes. Meanwhile he and Christina leap into a waiting speedboat and race to an island which he rids of it’s zombie inhabitants using a mace fashioned from the remains of my spine and skull. He cleverly studded the skull with my teeth which he sharpened to razorlike keenness using only his stubble. Jason and Christina commence rebuilding the human race in peace. Roll credits

So every plan has it’s flaws, but it does at least leave the door open for a sequel: 28 Generations Later, where mainland descendants of the other 2009 zombie apocalypse survivors find themselves overrun by the curvaceous, kickass and thoroughly inbred hordes of Stathendricks’ cannibal offspring. “The legends warned us this shit could happen again” intones TK Jnr Jnr Jnr. “FIRE UP THE MURDERKART” roars Deistbrawler Jnr Jnr Jnr.

I can’t remember why employ me anymore.

How come no one's mentioned Keith Richards? His guitar can melt the zombies faces, and you can't kill what's already dead.

Flame thrower....let them fuckers melt. and I could make grilled ham and swiss sammiches for our group.

Jason Bourne and Michael Westen. I wouldn't have to raise a finger, they could take out a whole country if they worked together.

1) good old fashioned baseball bat, wit 8 inch nails spike thru it

2) Janeane garafalo. i think she has the fire and spunk to fight a zombie war, and if we are all to go down young, i want at least, the chance to proposition her.

btw. you never specified what kind of zombies: romero slow moving zombies, or 21st century rabid methhead zombies.

i'm counting on the romero's. that way me and my babe just raid liquor stores and drink, fuck and hunt zombies for all our days! v

1) the Slayer axe. It was awesome, and it's been thoroughly battle-tested against vampire hordes. (Second choice, Faith's knife).

2) The Bear Jew - a berserk killing machine will always come in handy. Plus, he's hot, which also comes in handy.
And that guy on tv who knows how to find bush tucker. If we have to live off the land, I want someone around who knows where to find food, and what's poisonous.

1. I'm going to go with what I have handy and say my kukri. It's like a machete, only better. Looks like a knife, acts like an axe. Knife-axe?

2. Frank Castle aka The Punisher, and Richard "Demo Dick" Marcinko. One is an unstoppable killing machine, the other is... another unstoppable killing machine.

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1. I will take a sickle. Nice and sharp, and quick flicks should do some serious severing.

2a. David Mack's Kabuki
2b. Raiden from Metal Gear Solid 4.

The zombies wouldn't stand a chance, I almost feel bad for them

I'm frankly surprised at the amount of melee weapons on this list. I just gotta ask: How good a shape are you people all in?

I can't honestly see myself swinging at zombies for more than fifteen minutes before dying of windage. And, yeah, the bloodspatter issue? The girl from 28 Days Later would be offing you in a moment.

That being said, I'd take a katana as backup. But the primary weapon would be an automatic shotgun with recoil springs.

My companions:

1. This reeeeally hot girl I met about a month ago who is also a big zombie fan. Tragically, she has a boyfriend. Happily, in my self-directed postapocalyptic world, he did not survive the original zombie surge.

2. Jim. Jim's ultra strong and loyal, and I basically use him for all this sort of thing. Plus he's married to a French girl, so he won't be stealing the hot chick away.

Weapon - Pool ball in a sock, preferably a woollen hiking sock for durability and reach.

Amigos,

1 Yosemite Sam. He's quick, short tempered and he's got unlimited ammo. He's also ginger which means he's evil incarnate and can only be killed by sorcery.

2 Keith Richards. Invaluable for infiltration missions and reconnaisance.