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Your Pajiba 10 Wildcard Entry

By Courtney Enlow | Comment Diversions | July 9, 2013 | Comments ()


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Every year at this time, we come together for a celebration of beauty, body and the most equal opportunity objectification your Internet money can buy (we deal in hotness a currency. It’s all about the Benedicts, baybay).

Sure, it’s a survey with results tallied to display the shared spaces of the Venn diagrams of our collective alone-bone-zone fantasy subjects. But the Pajiba 10 is not mere list population. It’s a place of honesty, a safe space to share your most private desires. We won’t judge you here.

That was a funny joke I told. I’m always judging you. ALWAYS. With love though; it’s basically my version of a hug.

We each have our freebies, admitted or not, that we know go largely unshared by the rest of society. Because society is stupid and that’s why Ashton Kutcher is still a thing.

So, my For Your Consideration? An invitation to wave your freak flag high. Celebrate the hotties boombalotties that the rest of us just don’t get. Open our eyes to treasures unknown, perhaps in the hopes that we too may want to tap that like a naughty maple tree.

Or, maybe we won’t. But it’s still time to speak your sexy truth. I’ll go first.

There’s always a spot in my list (and my pants-mouth) for one man: Trey Parker.

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Make that two men: Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

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I love them dearly, but I’ve always had a soft spot (yep, that one) for Trey. He has always struck me as the tiniest bit damaged. And, I’ll tell you what, a tiny bit damaged is pretty much my wheelhouse. If a man’s a tiny bit damaged, so are my underpants. With, like, enjoyment—not with anything gross. That was a weird way to say that. What I’m saying is he could put his face in my place.

While singing this song, specifically.

Or that one. Fill that emptiness, Trey.

They can enjoy a cocktail or two.

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We’d all love to party with them.

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They’re massively talented. Multitalented. EGOTs, even (well, EGOT nominees, but I’m not here to quibble).

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They’ve got balls.

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Major balls

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And, yes, while I want to have many types of hand holdings and tongue kissings with them, I also totally dig their cute significant others (Matt’s wife, Angela / Trey’s fiance, Boogie). Also, they’ve made them dads (Matt and Angela have two kids, Trey and Boogie are expecting their first, and they’re raising Boogie’s son) infinitely increasing their hotness.

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They’ve got all kinds of friends in high places!

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They’re so excited that you love them.

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They looked good when they started out.

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But they’re aging very well.

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Downright elegant, even.

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And they totally know how to dress.

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Except for when they don’t. The ’90s were a weird time.

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They fully accept your objectification.

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They’re still, after all these years, super besties to the max.

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Their man love is God. Let’s go get a slushie.

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They don’t even know how hot they are.

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I mean, they’re humble guys. Do you think they’d even know how to handle the things the fangirls say about them, or the slashfic?

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And, if you’re a guy? You can totes like that. It doesn’t make you a queer or nothin’.

So, make your list as you see fit. But, remember, Matt and Trey want YOU…

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…to have a shpadoinkle day.

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Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Gord Reid

    Felice Herrig - A relatively unknown MMA/muay thai hottie

  • badkittyuno

    Jeff Goldblum. Love the voice, love the crazy eyes.

  • Globetrotta

    Aasif Mandvi, Jon Richardson, Jack Whitehall - I apparently don't have a type

  • Globetrotta

    Except for my love of programs that make fun of the news

  • Alwyn

    Jeremy Wade. From River Monsters. Crazy? Maybe. But he has this gentleness to him and he's pretty ripped for an older gentleman.

  • Mrs.P

    Hugo Weaving is my wild card. His voice alone can send me into spasms of joy...

  • melissa

    I am a thousandy bits with you on this one. Probably how I ended up with my husband, who is also nerdy-hot-man-with-sarcastic-sense-of-humor-who-doesnt-care-what-yall-think. unf!

  • InternetMagpie

    Dean Norris, aka Hank Shrader. Even when he's impotently lying in bed and bitching about his fucking MINERALS and being horrible to Marie.

    He's the kind of powerful fat I like.

  • mairimba

    Bill Murray is forever mine!

    Also Louis C.K., Ben Stiller (if he were only a foot taller), Seth Rogen, James Franco, Tommy Flanagan.

  • babykangarootribbiani

    Dave Franco. I;ve had my eye on him since his days on the last season of Scrubs (and he made that season worth watching) and now after the magician movie, in every interview he comes off so modest and humble and he could very well surpass his brother one day (or at the very least make it through one interview that doesn;t start "Let;s talk about you. So, your brother...."

  • thewatcher

    fine. i'll admit and hit stanley tucci. warm thoughts.

  • sweetfrancaise

    Ooh, wildcards... um, embarrassingly, since he's probably closer to my grandfather's age than anything, Michael Kitchen (Foyle's War, Out of Africa). The man has beautifully kind eyes. Rafe Spall and Toby Stephens too, definitely.

  • llp

    Mmmmm, I have had a thing for Parker and Stone for many, many years.

    I gave a hat tip in the main card to Martin Freeman, because YES. But, an alternate for me is Andy Samberg. No, seriously.

    My woman would be Lara Pulver in Sherlock - she was phenomenally sexy and actually made Cumberbatch sexy in her wake.

  • sanity fair

    Pierce Brosnan. (Don't judge me! I have loved him since his Remington Steele days, and it's a love that has never died.)

    And because I am a "half-beer bisexual" (according to my fiance), Adele. She's gorgeous, confident, and talented. But she's not on anyone else's list, as far as I can tell, which is a fucking shame.

    My lady crush is Rachel Maddow. (Also not on many lists.) I want to sit up all night, drinking cocktails or coffee or whatever she wants to drink, and just talk with her. Nothing untoward. Well, maybe a snuggle or two...

  • LaineyBobainey

    I am what @Joanna Robinson calls "3/4 of a beer queer", so yeah, I getchoo!

  • Finance_Nerd

    S.E. Cupp. I disagree with her political stance on about 90%+ of things, so we could have heated arguments followed by even more heated making up. The whole conservative librarian thing is also a big turn-on. I'm also leaning towards Jenny McCarthy b/c if she's anywhere near as crazy in bed as she is about her theories on medicine, score.

  • lisa

    Mantzoukas.

  • stearnbear

    John Turturro

  • KZoeT

    Robert Patrick.

  • scone

    Noel Fielding. There's just something about that man.

  • MelBivDevoe

    YES.

  • Russell Crowe.

    I don't even CARE. That is one giant hulk of a man and his VOICE and omg, always and forever.

  • llp

    That's not a wildcard, that is just good sense.

  • Rykker

    Arielle Kebbel (Lexi)

  • Resa Anderson

    Russell Brand is a good wildcard for me because he is someone that in the beginning I thought I would never EVER find attractive. But damned if his quick wit and genuine intellect didn't win me over.

    Now I'd fuck him senseless but then take a long hot shower.

  • Eve

    Or fuck him IN the shower.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That's what Colin Farrell is for!

  • Oh, and my wildcard. Rob Corddry. I don't know why, I can't explain it!! Except that I think he'd be into dirty stuff. Oh god, you're all judging me, I can feel it.

  • I love this post so much, I want to marry it. And Trey and Matt. And Courtney. We'd be so happy together.

  • therealbeesknees

    It's sooo strange, but...Elijah Wood

  • Casey Wilson please.

  • Sara S.

    Adam Scott, Andy Samburg, Taran Killam and Chris Pratt.

  • Taran Killam, but only if he dresses up like Robyn and dances for me.

  • Guest

    Adam Busch circa Buffy. I don't know what the hell it is about him but um..yeah. I feel a bit dirty because Warren is such a despicable character but it's not the character I'm attracted to so that makes it okay, right?
    Max Adler from Glee. Again, I have no idea why other than maybe because he's not one of these super muscled Adonises and therefore does have a degree of attainability to him. And he has weird eyebrows that I also kind of like.

    ...I swear to god, I feel like I'm missing someone that I talk to my friends about all the time and I'm coming up blank. *headdesk*

  • Guest

    JON STEWART! THAT WAS THE OTHER ONE. Yes, I have a taste for StewBeef and I like it.

  • emmalita

    I've given my taste for StewBeef the Summer off and I'm savoring martinis with Olivers.

  • LaineyBobainey

    Oh, wait, I didn't add a female Wild Card.

    I'm gonna' go with Adele. I was going to go with Mindy Kaling, but for real, I think Mindy and I would get too distracted talking about Sephora or some shit and we would never actually end up getting down to business. Adele, though, I think she would be fun! She would be fun and she would have the dirtiest vocabulary and it would be hilarious AND sexy. And then she would sing as she was making us breakfast.

    I might want to change my Pajiba 10 List...

  • sanity fair

    AMEN!

  • alwaysanswerb

    Gosh, I have the perfect one for this. Paul Nicholls, who played the smarmy cop in "Secret Diary of a Call Girl."

    http://i.ytimg.com/vi/EEJ2W3JW...

    For those of you who argue he might be too objectively attractive to qualify, I counter that it was specifically his skeezy character that made him absolutely way more attractive. So really it's Harry Keegan I want to shame-bang, I guess.

  • Maguita NYC

    Ohhhhm, he is hot!!! Smarmy British hot.

  • emmalita

    My two wild cards - because I don't think anyone else listed them - H. Jon Benjamin and W. Kamau Bell. I did not add them because of their use of a first initial, but because I could listen to both of them talk endlessly.

  • Tarn

    The Barrowman. Cheese and all. Cause he's just so much damn fun!

    And Tennant. They can make out, I'll watch..... :-)*

    *Too creepy?*

  • CosmoNewanda

    You can watch but I'm taking pictures.

  • Lisa Bee

    Often described as "old, dumpy, and beady-eyed" by some of my friends, mine would probably have to be Mark Sheppard.
    But his VOICE, okay? I cannot get over his voice!
    And especially as Canton Everett Delaware III in Doctor Who... I dunno, you guys, but it's a serious case of 10/10 would bang.

    Also that goofy lookin' kid who plays Merlin (in, uh... Merlin). His smile lights up my life.

  • Eve

    Clark Gregg...because of reasons.

    P.S.: checked his IMDb page and saw that he's married to Jennifer Grey (yes, *that* Jennifer Grey, the only actress that actually had her career ruined after and BECAUSE of a technically good nose job). So I'm either the last person to know that or...that's surprising.

  • Resa Anderson

    That man damn near made it on my REGULAR 10. Unf.

    And I've often said of their marriage that I honestly don't know which one I'm more jealous of.

  • Eve

    Now her guest appearance in The New Adventures of Old Christine makes much more sense.

    LOVED him in that show (actually, the whole cast was perfect).

  • AudioSuede

    Equal opportunity objectification:

    Male wild card - Bobby Moynihan. I have a feeling he'd be gentle, but so funny and sweet that it would be okay.

    Female wild card - Kate Micucci. I have a thing for disproportionately large eyes.

  • apsutter

    You have very unusual taste...I like that

  • AudioSuede

    I like 'em funny.

    Although I very nearly wrestled with a few non-acting musicians, like Annie Clark and Dessa. I also considered hate-f***ing Ann Coulter and not telling anyone about it, but that was mostly just in a dream I had.

  • Hooper

    Jason Mantzoukas.

  • fauxhawk

    Definitely.

  • HE'S ON MY LIST, TOO.

    Could we make this happen? The year of the Mantzoukas? 2013: Next Level Bonkers.

  • Hooper

    I once had a dream that my apartment had a JARVIS-like system with his voice. I got to hear "hey dumb-dumb, you forgot your goddamn keys" before I walked out the door. It was amazing.

  • AudioSuede

    RAFI BOMB!

  • RigbyReardon

    Trey Parker is actually basically the only person on my "freebie" list with my boyfriend. The other one if The Fassbender and The McAvoy. Wait. Actually Trey Parker isn't on my freebie list because if I met him and we banged and he didn't have a significant other...he would definitely fall in love with me. I mean, definitely.

  • lowercase_ryan

    So a wildcard is reserved for someone not traditionally thought of as sexy?

    It's no coincidence then that up and down these comments, you pretty much only see references to men. There are hundreds of notable yet fair to middling looking men in Hollywood. I'm struggling to name a fair to middling looking actress. It's sad and it makes the video of Dustin Hoffman discussing Tootsie that much more poignant.

    We are so brainwashed.

  • InternetMagpie

    You're a good egg, Norton.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Thank you. When someone in Pajibaland says something like that it actually means something.

  • celery

    YYYYUP.

  • apsutter

    What, don't you realize that average looking women shouldn't exist in the public eye and that every man, no matter how fat or disgusting he is, deserves a woman with a supermodel's looks? It is pretty sickening

  • nischi

    Steve Buscemi. The things I would do to his lanky frame...

  • The Kitastrophe

    For 'God's Loophole' alone I want to be the meat in a Garfunkle and Oates sandwich. Neither Kate Micucci nor Riki Lindhome are my usual cuppa but that is such a work of genius that I must have them. AND I WILL RING SATAN'S DOORBELL! TWICE!

  • Siege

    Jerome Flynn. I consider him way more drool-worthy than the more conventionally attractive Macfadyen on 'Ripper Street'. (I wouldn't kick Adam Rothenberg to the curb either, but he has to keep his old-timey facial hair.)

  • Love me some Bronn.

  • ljridley

    He's no wildcard. Yum.

  • apsutter

    Weird...who would have thought that Matt would have aged so well. And both of their partners are totally not what I was expecting.

  • Tracer Bullet

    Morgan Smith (the redhead in the Wendy's commercials)
    Lauren Ashley Bishop (Laughing Cow mini babybel cheese ads)

  • toblerone

    I love Morgan Smith and if she was a little more famous would have definitely fallen on my Freebies list.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Mr. Julien is very big on "the Aveeno woman".

  • Guest

    .

  • toblerone

    Daniella Von Graas? Second.

  • LaineyBobainey

    The cheese girl is adorable!

  • Julie Chase

    Court just mentioned the other day that he likes that redhead eating salad in the Wendy's commercial.

  • Eve

    I'd like to add another one: Walton Goggins...but only as Venus Van Dam.

  • MichaelEhrgott

    Haha! That was the best guest appearance ever IMO. I laughed so hard the whole time. Although Stephen King on SOA comes close too. Kurt Sutter knows how to pull damn good guest stars.

  • Totally on board with this; my problem is mainly picking which one because they tend to go together so much in my book. (I do have to say I actually think they're way hotter now than when they started. Totally superficial, I know.)

  • apsutter

    Yes, Matt looks worlds better with some age on him.

  • Julie Chase

    I didn't see it until I watched 6 Days to Air-I spent most of that documentary lusting HARDCORE over Matt.

    Speaking of which, I am suddenly really mad at myself for not adding Bill Hader to my five freebies. As well as one of my "really, him?" entries: Jay Chandrasekhar. But ONLY from Super Troopers. I also want a mustache ride.

  • Bill Hader, YES. Mmm.

  • LaineyBobainey

    God, you're a whore.

    My wildcard entry would be Jimmy Fallon or Jason Sudeikis, I think.
    Funny is hot.

  • Julie Chase

    Jimmy Fallon was my biggest crush in college. Siiiigh.

  • Eva

    I am SOOO with you on Matt and Trey. I have been in love with them both the 90's. I'd take either one in a heartbeat.

  • Erin S

    Jimmy Kimmel. Not crazy weird or odd, but I definitely notice some people make the "Him?" face if it comes up. And yeah, I think he's more attractive than Fallon. That always gets a reaction too.

    Also Timothy Omundson, AKA Lassiter on Psych. Urrgh, those eyes. I feel like they're there to distract from his...rather large ears.

  • Julie Chase

    Lassie is gorgeous. He is SUPER hot in the documentary That Guy Who Was in that Thing. BEARD. Ooooooh the beard.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I did not recognize him at all in that. I was watching it, and totally smitten...and then I was *more* smitten, based on his talent.

  • LaineyBobainey

    OHMYGOD, with the greying beard, I SEE IT NOW, COURT! Ok, you're not a crazy person that I have to sit down and have an uncomfortable Amanda Bynes talk with.

    We good, girl. We good.

  • Tinkerville

    I'm going to get slammed for this, but JJ Abrams-- and the strange thing is I have NO idea why. I'm not even a fan of all his work and he can certainly come off as an asshole, yet given the chance I'd jump him like it was my job. I don't understand it. I'm sure this says something about my inner psyche, but frankly I'd rather not know what that is.

    *slinks away in shame*

  • llp

    I get the JJ love. He is cute, and intelligent, and even if you don't like his work, he seems to have a great deal of joy and passion.

  • Tinkerville

    To get Pajiba back on my side, Richard Ayoade almost makes the cut for my list every single year. Oh, the things I would do to that delicious man and his wonderful head of hair.

  • InternetMagpie

    Richard Ayoade, DEFINITELY. That man can wear a suit, and yet there's clearly still a lot of Moss in there.

  • lonolove

    My co-workers and I have been discussing this for the past two days and we just hit upon Richard Ayoade. 1) Because I hope he gets just as flustered in real life and 2) Because I want to watch him part his hair again after I mess it up.

  • apsutter

    Richard is hot...I want to pull that glorious mane!

  • Julie Chase

    I agree on BOTH those fronts. JJ is cute as hell.

  • Another Kate

    I mentioned this man in the Big Thread and was pleasantly surprised that people seemed to share my opinion, but I've been crushing on Robert Carlyle -- short, scrawny, messy-haired...talented...intense...golden-voiced (thunk)

    Let's try this again. Robert Carlyle! Liked him for years. He's the best and only thing worth watching about Once Upon a Time (talk about punching below your weight class!) and I'm dreaming that his next role will be one that is worthy of his prodigious talents. And on a more shallow note, I love his smile.

  • delle

    Bill Nighy.
    I adore this man. He is not my wildcard entry, he is my ONLY entry.

  • Julie Chase

    Yeeeeeees.

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Oh, GOOD call. He is a long, tall, skinny drink of water, that man is.

  • Eve

    Oh, I love Trey Parker and Matt Stone already (for all the aforementioned reasons -- reasons that pretty much make them the antithesis of someone I can't stand: Seth MacFarlane).

    So I'll wave my freak flag and declare my love for...John Hawkes.

  • Julie Chase

    Sol Starr wasn't the lucky one, TRIXIE was.

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