Your Fictitious Four
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Your Fictitious Four

By Mrs. Julien | Comment Diversions | September 14, 2013 | Comments ()

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We’re classy as hell here at Pajiba, so it’s time for the literary version of F*ck, Marry, Kill. I know, right? Books, sex, and violence, can life get any better? Reality and the space-time continuum mean nothing to us. To expand and soothe our horizons, let’s add a friendship to the mix, the character you would love to hang out with.

Fornicate: Sebastian, Lord St. Vincent from The Devil in Winter by Lisa Kleypas. He’s so hot, I don’t even mind that he is blond, and you know he can lay some pipe.

Espouse: Joss Weatherby from Quick Service by P.G. Wodehouse. He’s funny, charming, and laid back, plus he pulls off Jocelyn as a first name. Always impressive. It was almostalmost Psmith.

Extirpate: Every single adult who is cruel to a child in a Charles Dickens novel. I’m pretty sure that will reduce the number of characters by 87.3%, and that’s a conservative estimate.

Fraternize: Lucy Marsden from Oldest Living Confederate War Widow Tells All by Alan Gurganus. I’ve given this book to a lot of people. It’s a sprawling epic and the main character is an absolute kick. Married at 13 to man in his fifties, she survives him and everything else thrown at her.

Did you notice that I am so elegant, I used fancy words for each category? I had to consult a Thesaurus, but don’t try to tell me you’ve never done so for one of your comments, or that you have never double-checked your spelling.

Given our recent foray into acknowledging classic books we f*cking hate, I’m not expecting things to go well for Heathcliff, Holden, or Pip.

Comment diversion suggestions, toolbelts, and heraldic crests can be sent here.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Jezebeelzebub

    I don't care that I'm late to the party- I wanna play TOO.
    Fornicate: Gurney Halleck. He could sing to me afterwards.
    Espouse: I won't say Spock because I already said Spock on another thing here, but it's totally Spock only he's not a literary character. But if it weren't Spock I were espousing the excrement out of, it would be Horatio Hornblower. (I would pick Roland of Gilead, but he's REALLY busy.)
    Extirpate: It's so hard to pick only ONE, so I won't. I will pick the Reeds from Jane Eyre. I could set their house on fire and then shoot them all as they ran out, and I could get them all at the same time, pretty much- so I count them as one. I hate them so bad.
    Fraternize: Melanie Wilkes. I would SO look out for her and I wouldn't be a total a-hole to her all the time and try to Do It with stupid limp Ashley. And I would punch Scarlett in the head for being such a snippy bitch. Like, I would save Melanie and the baby from Atlanta when it was burning AND from the Yankees and I wouldn't make her feel like a jerk like Scarlett did.
    That was so hard, y'all.

  • Jezebeelzebub

    honorable mention for fornicate: Lucius Malfoy. You KNOW he's a freak.

  • AvaLehra

    I'm a little late in the game, but can I just say since Captain Wentworth was mentioned a few times here, I just saw Persuasion last night and am IN LOVE WITH CIARAN HINES in that. Love, I tell you. I am in love.


  • AvaLehra

    I upvoted my love. No shame.

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    Fornicate: The Kid, Dahlgren, it would be nasty, dirty and weird and he probably wouldn't mind if Mr Smith joined us.

    Espouse: Jolyon Forsyte, The Forsyte Saga, wealthy, artistic and an incredibly loving and accepting parent.

    Extirpate: Soames Forsyte, The Forsyte Saga, obvious reasons

    Fraternize: George Smiley, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, smart dude and cool as hell

  • Billybob

    Fornicate: Kadiatu Lethbridge-Steward, from the Doctor Who expanded universe.

    Espouse: Susan Sto Helit, from Discworld. I mean, if she’d have me. I doubt anyone could meet her standards. This may be a really bad idea.

    Extirpate: The entire darned city of Meereen, for Game Of Thrones spoilery reasons.

    Fraternize: Kent from King Lear. He’s the kind of man I’d like to be. Second choice: Harry Flashman, whose company would probably make me feel like a better man by comparison.

  • sweetfrancaise

    Fornicate: Incredibly specific here, but Zeus as played by Luke Evans in Immortals. Close second is Thor.

    ... I've got a thing for gods?

    Espouse: Colonel Brandon. He's so kind, thoughtful, intelligent--and damnit if Marianne doesn't deserve him. (Second: George Briggs from Enchanted April, Third: George Emerson from A Room With a View)

    Extirpate: Bosie from Cold Mountain. I'm sure there are others, but that was the first person who came to mind. Asshole.

    Fraternize: Jo March & Prof. Bhaer. I mean, honestly, I'd really like to marry and/or fornicate with that man, but who could possibly split that couple up?

  • Maguita NYC

    My fictions were in French first, so I apologize if you don't recognize them. Some were however so hot they got me into reading dirtier fiction.

    Shame Fornicate: Philippe du Plessis-Bellière. Louis XIV called him Mars, God of War. First character whose lips I've wanted to gently bite (among other things). He was tall, blonde, wore heals and looked manly in them, and went to war to escape love and its complications.

    Espouse: Mark Darcy. The quiet solemn ones are the ones you should notice more, for still waters does run deep.

    Extirpate: Joffrey Fucking Baratheon. I will go re-read that wonderful moment in A Storm of Swords. With Glee.

    Fraternize: Why all the fun and naughty vampires, of course! From Lestat to Jean-Claude through Angel and Bram Stoker's Darcula. I'll give a bit of blood in exchange for their stories, during endless nights of drinking and good old-fashioned debauchery.

  • The Mama

    Delurking twice in one week!

    Fornicate: Rhett Butler and Ranger. Together if that's more convenient for them. I'm not picky. Morelli can come by, too, if he wants.

    Espouse: Mr. Darcy, Jamie Fraser, and Roarke. I mean, if I marry Jamie, he can help me with the whole time travel thing, so it's not like it would be bigamy or anything. I thought about Atticus Finch, because, well, how could you not, but I think he's too pure for me. Maybe he can just be my dad.

    Extirpate: That bitch Sue Ellen O'Hara, stupid Jane Eyre, and the original Mean Girl, Nellie Olsen. And freaking stupid, dumb ass, lily livered, yellow-bellied Ashley Freaking Wilkes. Seriously, dude. Grow a pair.

    Fraternize: Belle Watling (for the funsies), Melanie Wilkes (cause she's always going to have my back), and Lula and Grandma Mazur (because how could you not pick them?).

  • BWeaves

    Fornicate: Cary Grant. Hey, even Cary Grant said he's wan't really Cary Grant in real life.

    Marry: Mr. Darcy. I want to be the lady of Pemberley , too.

    Extirpate: Emma. She fucking drove me nuts when I read that book, and I wanted to kill her while reading it.

    Fraternize: The Doctor. I just want to be mates.

  • Abby

    In the middle of a Buffy marathon (Season 3):
    Fornicate: Spike. He's a bad, rude man.
    Espouse: Giles. He's a bad, rude man but only when he lets Ripper out. Plus he can sing and ride a horse. Hotness!
    Extirpate: Dawn
    Fraternize: Ethan. RIP Robin Sachs.

  • Zirza

    Fornicate: Shadow from American Gods. He sounds like he needs it. He'd also score well in the espouse-category.

    Espouse: Zachary Reid from Sea of Poppies. He's nice, he gets along with everyone, he's polite and respectful and good with his hands. His mother lives thousands of miles away and he's very lovey-dovey when he thinks nobody's looking. Perfect husband material, that one.

    Extirpate: Professor Michael Beard from Ian McEwan's Solar. What an arrogant, cowardly prick.

    Fraternise: Lena Adams from Karin Slaughter's books. She seems like she needs a friend and in any case, anyone who hates Sara Linton as much as I do is a friend of mine.

  • Scootsa1000

    Fornicate: Eddie Dean, but only after kicking his heroin habit.

    Espouse: Park (Eleanor & Park). Think of the mix tapes he'd make!

    Extirpate: sooo many choices. I've always been particularly angry about Mrs Danvers, from Rebecca. Lets go with her.

    Fraternize: Mame. For a fun night out.

  • Siege

    Agreed on Eddie -- he was my favorite thing about the Dark Tower books.

  • The Mama

    Sigh. Park. Sigh. I would have loved him at 15.

  • Forward Observer

    Extirpate: Nurse Ratched. Over and over and over.
    Fraternize: Ignatius J. Reilly

  • Aaron Schulz

    Fornicate: Lucy Westenra from Dracula, she always seemed like she would like it weird, elizabethian style

    Espouse: I realize its not a literary classic and i dont care so stuff your complaints in a sack mister, but Miriel daughter of Waylander from In the realm of the wolf, chicks that can kick my ass are plentiful and super hot

    Extirpate: That son of a bitch that makes George have to kill Lenny from Of mice and men, HE JUST WANTED TO PET HER DAMNIT!

    Fraternize: Victor Frankenstein, that dude can spin a yarn

  • Lucy Westenra lived in Victorian England, not Elizabethan England. Other than that, I agree with you. I don't know what it is, but something about that character always made me think that out of everyone(everyone human, that is) in that book, she'd probably be the most likely to have a sex dungeon in the basement.

  • Aaron Schulz

    yeah even the sisters seemed to have more hangups then her, brides whatever

  • Fornicate: Eric from Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris (aka amnesia Eric), Thomas from the Dresden Files (Jim Butcher)

    Espouse: Seth from Richelle Mead's Succubus Blues books or Harry Dresden from Dresden novels (altho it might be dangerous marriage!)

    Extirpate: Mildred from Farenheit 451 (Ray Bradury)

    Fraternize: Felix 'Fix' Castor from The Devil You Know by Mike Carey, Case from Neuromancer (William Gibson), Bob the skull & Murphy from Dresden Files (Jim Butcher), Cayce Pollard from Pattern Recognition (Wiliam Gibson)

  • Malin

    Since I saw this challenge yesterday, I've been thinking furiously, trying to limit myself in each of the options. I have so many fictional characters I'd like to either fornicate or espouse, although it seems that I have more suitable husband candidates than flings.

    Fornicate: Mr. Darcy, Max Pesaro from Colleen Gleason's Gardella Vampire Chronicles, Rupert Carsington from Loretta Chase's Mr. Impossible.

    Espouse - I swear, this is my cut down list - don't make me choose further:
    Westley from The Princess Bride, Joscelin Verreuil, Jamie Fraser, Gen of Attolia, Alexander Moncrieffe, the Duke of Falconridge from Julie Anne Long's What I Did for a Duke

    Extirpate: Briony Tallis from Atonement (should have been smothered at birth), any and all characters from Wuthering Heights, Angel Clare, Ramsay Snow

    Fraternize: Anathema Device, Sam and Sybil Vimes, Arya Stark (but maybe not when she's in constant danger), Claire Fraser (hoping she'd be ok with the fact that I'd steal her husband in a heartbeat), Minerva Highwood from Tessa Dare's One Week to Be Wicked, Arizaphale (I'd help him run his bookstore).

  • Maguita NYC

    God you're a shameless hussy and I love ya for it!

  • Mrs. Julien

    Alex Moncrieffe and The Sebastian fought it out for my fornicate nomination. Rupert Carsington is a nice choice. Ash Turner and Zachary Bronson (Where Dreams Begin) were serious husband material.

  • Westley - there's an interesting character I hadn't considered! Am surprised Darcey meets a fornicate and not an espouse? He seems like more marriage material.

  • Malin

    He's extremely attractive, but needs to improve his communication skills to be proper marriage material, Pemberley or not. ;)

  • Leigh

    Fornicate: Mr. Darcy, he's hot, but my heart belongs to...
    Espouse: Gilbert Blythe
    Extirpate: Mrs. Bennet
    Fraternize: Georgia Nicholson (from the YA series "Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging." If you've never heard of the books, go get them now. No other book has made me laugh out loud so hard or so often.)

  • Mrs. Julien

    Gilbert. [sigh] Anne was almost my "fraternize" choice, and I seriously considered killing Josie Pye.

  • Leigh

    Anne was almost my choice, too! But I thought it would be far too uncomfortable, since I stole Gilbert away and all.

  • raeraefred

    oo, Gilbert Blythe!

  • bastich

    Drunk and late to the party, as usual....

    Fornicate: Orlando (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen version) -- an immortal who's been fighting and sexing it up while periodically changing genders for over 3,000 years? I gotta take a dip in that pool.

    Espouse: Mina Murray (also League of Extraordinary Gentlemen version) -- tough, resourceful, and funny (then again, also immortal....gonna have to revise that "'til death do you part" vow....).

    Extirpate: God from every Jack Chick comic -- what a vicious, petty piece of shit.

    Fraternize: Nanny Ogg from the Discworld books -- she just seems like a hell of a lot of fun to hang out with.

  • kirbyjay

    I'm more a reader of non-fiction so I don't have a lot of favorite characters from literature.
    Fornicate: Steven Hyde is my favorite fictional character, so does a tv script count as literature? I thought not. Chivalrous, snarky, bad boy? Yes please, but I must also look like Jackie Burkhart
    Espouse: Darcy or Colonel Sharpe, but without the 19th century. So inconvenient.
    Extirpate: How bout we just off Dickens instead of his child abusing characters, thus eradicating his child abusing characters.
    Fraternize: Old Yeller, before the rabies. I'm a sucker for a big yellow dog

  • emmalita

    I approve of your extirpation plan.

  • Jana Jerusalem

    Fornicate: Henry Sturgess from "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter." I thought so when I read the book, and the fact that Dominic Cooper played him in the god-awful movie version did nothing to change my mind.

    Honorable Mention: George Weasley. Rawr!

    Espouse: Nicholas D. Wolfwood. Not the typical romance or wedded bliss, but I'd be willing to overlook the smoking, which tells you everything.

    Honorable Mention: George Weasley. Rawr!

    Extirpate: Gwenhwyfar from "The Mists of Avalon." Everything that I loathe and despise in humanity is compressed neatly into one overly-sugary donut hole of malignant enmity. Yay, efficiency!

    Dishonorable Mention: Tomas Tod from "The Chronicles of Vladmir Tod." Mind-raping a human woman so that he could later physically rape her so that his resulting spawn would become The One from a prophecy, abandoning said spawn after killing its mother and staging a house fire in which both parents "died," coming back when spawn is a teenager and tricking him into learning and doing things to bring the prophecy to pass, and arranging for his friend to "mentor" spawn and betray him at the end? Nuh-uh. That one's gotta go.

    Fraternize: Spider Jerusalem from "Transmetropolitan." Though I'd likely end up dead or in prison for said fraternization, it would be for all of the right reasons. Like taking down a sitting president while blowing open a major scandal. You know, your basic Saturdays.

    Honorable Mention: Crowley from "Good Omens"

  • Because this topic is way too wide for me to really answer well, I've decided to arbitrarily narrow it down to characters from the Outlander saga for two reasons: 1) They're pretty much my favorite books ever and 2) I'm pretty excited about the coming t.v. show on Starz.

    Fornicate: Fergus Claudel Fraser. I mean, the dude grew up in a brothel. Surely he picked up a thing or two about women along the way.

    Espouse: Jamie Fraser, obviously. Dude is incredibly loyal, always to tries to do the right thing, and a great friend. Oh, and the fact that he's a well-built ginger hottie that ages incredibly well doesn't hurt, either.

    Extirpate: Laoghaire. I mean, Legwhore is a pain in the ass. With honorable mentions to Geilis Duncan and Stephen Bonnet.

    Fraternize: Toss up between Lord John Grey who is an extremely loyal friend, Young Ian who seems like the coolest cat ever, and Claire who, with her medical skills, seems like a really handy person to have around.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Admit it, your Fergus choice is all about the hook.

  • You know it, Mrs. J. You know it. ;)

  • DominaNefret

    Fornicate: Joscelin Verreuil from Kushiel's Legacy Trilogy
    Espouse: Joscelin Verreuil from Kushiel's Legacy Trilogy
    Extirpate: Everyone in Wuthering Heights
    Fraternize: Prince Roger from the most magical and joyful book ever, A Barrell of Laughs, A Vale of Tears.

    I really tried to think of someone differet for fornicate and espouse, but as attractive as other fictional characters may be to me, somehow Jacqueline Carey managed to create one that no one else has since been able to hold a candle to when she created Joscelin. That man is near perfect. And I like both genders.

  • Miss Jane

    Glad to know I'm not alone in my Joscelin love. That tender scene in the river (third book)...gets me every. single. time.

  • DominaNefret

    I'm also endlessly fascinated by the fact that a lesbian author created the most attractive male character I have ever read. And he is oh so very male.
    Is this just a testament to her skill as a writer? Was she actually able to create such an amazing character because of the fact that, being a lesbian, she was actually crafting someone she wanted her protagonist to fall in love with, instead of someone she wanted to fall in love with herself or someone she wanted to be?
    Am I just totally over-thinking this because there is no actual reason to believe that lesbians are any less able to write skilled convincing heterosexual sex scenes/relationships/attractive male characters?

    I over-think things.

  • Mitchell Hundred

    Fornicate: Julia from 1984. If sex with her turned Winston Smith's health around, I reckon it could improve my demeanour a bit.

    Espouse: Anathema Device from Good Omens. She seems like a fun person to be with, plus financial security is pretty much guaranteed.

    Extirpate: Lucifer from Paradise Lost. Because it's not like it'd stick (and anyway, if I listen to him talk for more than a few seconds, I might start to believe him).

    Fraternize: Adah Price from The Poisonwood Bible. She doesn't seem like one for stable romantic relationships, but she seems like she'd be an interesting person to just shoot the breeze with.

  • Mitchell Hundred

    Oh also, I missed out on the 'classics you hate' thread, so I will just say here that Sir Thomas Malory's Le Morte Darthur is the worst book I have ever read. Flat, repetitive prose, boring characters, and apparently no knowledge of how to introduce or wrap up storylines. And the fact that the source material gave it so much potential only makes me hate it more.

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    Fornicate: Alice Morgan. I could pick any number of literary characters, but I don't have the time to list them.

    Espouse: Death from the Sandman comics. Who wouldn't?

    Extirpate: This is hard. So much hate. I'd say all the characters in 50 Shades of Grey. Mostly because I can't remember being that angry about a book before.

    Fraternize: Eliza and Jack from The Baroque Cycle. So much fun to be had!

  • jranderson

    I second Death from Sandman!

  • llp

    I have been considering Death as a candidate too. He is a moody and vengeful one, though.

  • Four Eyes

    Fornicate: Daemon from the Black Jewels trilogy by Anne Bishop. Yes, he's a Black Widow and as the title implies, I may be dead by the end, but what an end it will be!

    Espouse: Sam Vimes. Loyal, tough, and is essentially the Batman of the City Watch! (Just without the money and fancy gadgets!)
    Extirpate: I second and third Angel Clare's demise! That man was a spineless twat! I would also like to nominate Mr.Wickham from Pride and Prejudice. That cradle robbing money grubber does not deserve to live off the largesse of others!
    Fraternize: Crowley from Good Omens. Dude can hold his liquor and knows how to wheel and deal! The questions I could ask and the stories he could tell...!

  • Phaedre

    Perfect list. And so seldom to find someone who has read the Black Jewels. It's been too long. Definetely doing a reread.

  • I approve of this entire list. Well chosen!

  • Fornicate: Jamie Fraser. Tall, strong, Scottish, seems to know what he's doing.

    Espouse: George Weasley. SHUT UP IT'S MY CHOICE.

    Kill: Ramsay Snow. I won't say more lest I accidentally spoil someone.

    Fraternize: Gandalf. Oh, the adventures we'd have! And hopefully he'd share his pipeweed, too.

  • $27019454

    I have no time for the fancy language, so:

    Fuck: Any Austen Hero, even Bingley sounds fun, Nicholas Nickelby, Max DeWinter from Rebecca (seriously, I think he's got a lot of passion a-smolderin away in that fireplace) and Sodapop from The Outsiders. .

    Marry: Mr. Knightley. MY Mr. Knightley. He seems the tiniest bit uptight, but what fun to loosen up that cravat, eh?

    Kill:Kevin from We Need to Talk About Kevin, Fanny Fucking Dashwood.

    Hang out: Oscar Wilde. Is that not fair? Hes an author. I'm sure someone wrote about him...right? God, the fun we'd have with absinthe.

  • If you picked Lord Goring, it would be almost the same as picking Oscar Wilde, but with even better fashion sense and an invitation to all the best parties. He's a bit shallow, but ultimately thoughtful. Just don't let that last bit get out.

  • Mrs. Julien

    God damn, I love Pajiba.

  • raeraefred

    I'm horrible at picking. In the time it took to type this, I came up with multiples for each category. I stopped typing them after three names, because otherwise my brain will just keep finding more:

    fornicate: Paul Atreides, Dune or Gabriel Allon, Daniel Silva's series or Mr. Rochester, Jane Eyre.

    espouse: John Thornton, North & South or Lord Peter Wimsey, Dorothy L. Sayers' series or Samwise Gamgee, LotR.

    extirpate: if it seemed like I had a hard time choosing in the other categories, this one's the worst, so i'll just leave it at the cruelty to children thing.

    fraternize: Elizabeth Bennet, Pride & Prejudice or Elinor Dashwood, Sense & Sensibility or Sam, American Gods.

    and I don't know that you can really be friends with him, but I'd love to hold discourse with Sherlock Holmes.

  • emmalita

    Fornicate: James Stark, Sandman Slim. Let's be honest, if fictional characters were available, I'd be kind of slutty. But in the interest of brevity I picked the first one to come to mind.

    Espouse: Eugenides, the Thief of Attolia. Smart, clever, sarcastic, and loyal.

    Extirpate: Every character in Twilight.

    Fraternize: Andrea Nash. Smart, clever, sarcastic, loyal, and good with ranged weapons, just in case of an apocalypse. Again, this is a really long list, so I chose on of many at random.

  • Phaedre

    Yay for Sandman Slim!

  • emmalita

    He is a sexy beast.

  • Fornicate: Henry Fitzroy. He’s had hundreds of years to get it right, and if it costs me a little blood, that’s okay. Afterwards, we can discuss Renaissance history.

    Espouse: Jamie Fraser. Loyal, smart, handy, and tolerant. And hot. Even when he gets old.

    Extirpate: Christian Grey. That abusive asshole deserves it, and maybe the whole sick infatuation folks have with him would end. Either way, he doesn’t get to beat up and wreck the lives of any more women.

    Fraternize: Harry Dresden. I need a little more life-threatening adventure in my life, and I like his friends.

  • To be honest, I always liked Harry's friend, Michael Carpenter better than I did Harry himself, even though Michael is only a supporting character.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Och, Jamie.

  • emmalita

    You know, I almost chose Dresden, but I lack any fighting ability and I don't like beer or Burger King. I thought I might end up dead and irritated after a few pages.

  • Sara Habein

    Fornicate: Gambit. What, X-Men comics TOTALLY COUNT. (You know it would be a good time.)

    Espouse: Ooh, I like Captain Tuttle's suggestion of Hawkeye Pierce. Or... maybe... hmm... Geez, why do I draw a blank on everything I've ever read when I go to do fun things like this?

    Extirpate: Yes, anyone who is cruel to a child.

    Fraternize: Rob from High Fidelity, but only after the end of the book when he's become a better person.

  • I was going to say something about comic books not counting as literature, but I picked a real person for one of mine, so I don't really have a leg to stand on there. Speaking of comics, Elektra would definitely go under 'Fornicate'

  • COMICS TOTALLY COUNT. Especially for choosing Gambit.

  • Fornicate: James Frasier - Outlander. He's a close second for marriage but he lacks Pemberly.

    Espouse: God help me, Mr. Darcey. It's the whole package - Firth, the estate, and those fantastic pants. I'm helpless.

    Extirpate: Theon Greyjoy. I don't care how many horrible things happen to you, I'm not over it.

    Fraternize: Logan Ninefingers. Sure he might kill you if you aren't careful, but I think that's true of all good friends no?

  • Phaedre

    Holy Shit! Your Fornicate and Fraternize are outstanding choices!

  • Logen is a good choice, but I think I'd go with Nicomo Cosca. Same 'might get you killed' drawback, but less mopey.

  • If you haven't checked out Red Country it's a must. Lamb (ahem) has so many great lines pretty much every word he utters is gold. I would totally hang with that guy!

  • I've been waiting for 'Red Country' to come out in paperback. The last one I read was 'The Heroes.'

  • Mrs. Julien


  • jranderson

    Fornicate: Hunter from Neverwhere. I know Neverwhere began as a television series but I've only read Gaiman's novel adaptation, and It doesn't really matter either way because you know that shit would be GOOD. I'd probably end up with a dislocated hip and maybe a black eye, and my boy parts might look like mashed potatoes afterwards, but I wouldn't regret a moment of it.

    Espouse: Cassie Maddox from 'In The Woods'. A tough, intelligent, and feminine detective who not only manages to keep herself together after getting stabbed undercover but also shrugs off being emotionally tortured by a psycho AND the narrator? And she drinks whiskey with an Irish accent?! Done.

    Extirpate: Dominique Francon from 'The Fountainhead'. I find almost all of Ayn Rand's characters (and her writing), if not downright disgusting, at least distasteful. But out of her entire pantheon of egoists, her female 'protagonists' leave a taste in my mouth like I've been gargling diarrhea. Dominique beats out Dagny Taggart only because Taggart at least produces SOMETHING with her railroad, while Dominique does nothing but ruin the lives of at least two men so that she can finally have rapey sex with a third. Also, rapey sex? Barf.

    Fraternize: Can I hang out with Louise from Bob's Burgers? Fine. If I have to chose a literary character, I would get tanked with Philip Marlowe in a heartbeat. And if Molly from Neuromancer happened to walk into the bar, I'd buy her drink and invite her to join us, but I'd hesitate to shake her hand.

  • splinter

    "gargling diarrhea" is about right for rand's characters

  • VonnegutSlut

    Fornicate: Bobby Dollar/Doloriel. There are many...oh, so many. But this hard drinking angel advocate is just the latest to foment my lions

    Espouse: Atticus Finch. An oldie but a goodie. Why mess with perfection?

    Extirpate: Ursula Monkton. Maybe it's just because Gaiman's latest work is still fresh in my mind, but, hot damn, did I want to off that supernatural bitch.

    Fraternize: Elphaba Throppe. Sarcastic, brilliant, political activist, witch. My kinda gal.

  • Fornicate: Jane Porter from Tarzan of the Apes. Jungle love. oeoeo

    Espouse: Susan Silverman from the Spenser novels. Stands by her man.

    Extirpate: Lady Macbeth from Macbeth. Selfishly pussy-whips her husband to his doom.

    Fraternize: Nora Charles from The Thin Man. Rich, bisexual, drunk and up for anything. Let's party!

  • "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and
    sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.

  • Alex Kuhn

    Fornicate: Rochester from "Jane Eyre." The sex was so good it turned a bitch crazy.

    Espouse: Captain Wentworth, "Persuasion." All day every day.

    Extirpate: Briony Tallis from "Atonement." I don't even care that she's a child. I said it.

    Fraternize: Lizzie Bennet, "Pride and Prejudice." While I don't think P&P is my favorite work by Austen, for some reason I think it would be really awesome to sit in the corner of drawing rooms with her being snarky and using clever word play.

  • Zirza

    I thought about Briony too, but I like Atonement way too much to do away with the main character.

    Briony is pure fucking evil, though.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Later, you could take a turn about the room.

  • moijojojo

    Fornicate: One of Karen Marie Moning's kilted, time-traveling studs. PHWOAR.

    Espouse: Kester Woodseaves from Precious Bane. Handsome, intelligent, talented, abhors bullies & cruelty to animals, and sees inner beauty.

    Extirpate: Everyone in Wuthering Heights. And Tess of The D'Urbervilles. And Vanity Fair. And Catcher in The Rye. GAH. I do hate a lot of classics.

    Fraternize: Elinor Dashwood. Intelligent and sensible, yet still able to have a laugh, unlike that impossible blancmange, Melly Wilkes.

  • linnyloo

    Sensible, classy, kind older sisters FTW! (Elinor rules!)

  • Wigamer

    Melanie Wilkes stood down an entire town full of people bent on slut-shaming her friend. Not that Scarlet was any kind of friend at all; she was horrible. But Melanie chose to see the good in everyone she loved. That's the kind of friend I want.

    That being said, I love Elinor too!!

  • llp

    Those are both good picks, but I will join Wigamer in defending Melanie. She had a lot of courage and faith and was the most encouraging person ever. If Rhett could honestly admire and love her, who are we to resist?

  • Moijojojo

    Of course Melanie was a good person (maybe even the best, ffs), but that doesn't necessarily make her fun to hang with. Maybe I should've just gone with Clairee from Steel Magnolias, heheh.

  • Wigamer

    I'd hang with Truvy, too! And Ouisa.

  • Moijojojo


  • llp

    I think I would need Melanie to support me after a few go rounds with Rhett (Category: FORNICATE), but she isn't particularly jolly, you're right. Clairee is another great pick. SHE is fun.

  • Moijojojo

    I'm seriously lulzing thinking about confiding to Melly after getting it good from Rhett.

  • llp

    "Oh Melly, he asked me to give him a Dominican face-hat!"
    "That's terrible!"
    "No, it was ok, but these marks are going to be here for a while. Plus, my hips are so stiff now and it will be hard to dance at the cotillion next week."

  • Moijojojo

    "What's a Dominican Face Hat?"

    "Well, you see, first..."


  • Jezebeelzebub

    this made me laugh and I startled my dogs.

  • Wigamer

    Poor Miss Melly!

  • Guest

    Fornicate: Jaye Tyler ( 2nd: Britta Perry 3rd: Kim Pine)*
    Espouse: Jaye Tyler ( 2nd: Britta Perry 3rd: Kim Pine)*
    Extirpate: James Moriarty ( 2nd: Donald Trump )
    Fraternize: Sterling Archer ( 2nd: Phillip Marlowe )

    *For a 4th option in the Fornicate and Espouse categories I was trying to pick an Anna Kendrick character but there are too many to chose from (since I assume the physical embodiment of the characters also applies).

    Jill from Drinking Buddies maybe?

  • Fornicate: Milady de Winter from 'The Three Musketeers.' You could not trust her an inch, but it would be a wild ride while it lasted(or until she stabbed you.)
    Honorable Mention: Anne Bonney from 'A General History of the Pyrates.'

    Espouse: Eowyn from 'Lord of the Rings.' Badass shield maiden, slays the Witch-King, what's not to like? I never understood why Aragorn kept mooning over that elf-girl when Eowyn was around, although it's possible I may be conflating the books with the movies.
    Honorable Mention: Elizabeth Bennett from 'Pride and Prejudice.'

    Extirpate: Lancelot and Guinevere. Never could stand these two. Man works his whole life to build a kingdom, and these two assclowns ruin it because Lancelot can't keep his bratwurst out of Guinevere's bun. Had his pick of any woman in the kingdom and he's gotta go sniffin' after the king's wife. They're both equally guilty and get cast into outer darkness together.
    Honorable Mention: Dracula, or possibly Bill Sykes from 'Oliver Twist.'

    Fraternize: Richard Sharpe. Do I really need to explain this one? Read the books, you'll see what I mean.
    Honorable Mention: Allan Quatermain(natch)or Peter Blood.

  • sunset&camden

    Ooh, the Sharpe series is next on the list. I'm not sure what my fictional four would, but if Horatio Hornblower doesn't fill the fornicate slot, he would definitely fill fraternize. Or ... work with? I don't know a verb for that that starts with 'f'.

  • Derfelcadarn

    Dude, no. Unless you're Pat Harper, ALL OF SHARPIES MATE DIE.

  • I'm as big a dude as Pat Harper and my family background is Irish, so I might be alright.

  • PDamian

    Totally in agreement on Lancelot and Guinevere.

  • Can't believe I didn't think of Dracula. Duh. Freakin. DUH. (That said, it's the Frank Langella movie version that makes my carotid throb, so I'd casting approval)

  • Dracula in the book is a much more insufferable tool than he is in any of the movies. As far as the movies go though, Frank Langella is one of the better ones.

  • A Name

    Anne Bonney was real!

  • Which is why she only got 'Honorable Mention.' She's kind of like Spartacus, in that a lot of what we know about her is more than likely apocryphal and/or sensationalized.

  • Mitchell Hundred

    And probably a lesbian.

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