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What’s On Your Bucket List?

An Afternoon Comment Diversion / Dustin Rowles

Comment Diversions | October 29, 2008 | Comments (138)

This is a first: Winner of the Eloquent Eloquence Lifetime Achievement Award and the First Annual Pajiba Oscar, Skittimus Maximus and his trusty, albeit deformed sidekick/appendage, Minimus, offered up this week’s diversion idea. I’ll let him do the honors:

You posted something about that shitturd of a flick The Bucket List today (I actually saw it and one of my Bucket items is to slap the stupid outta the person that suckered Jack & Morgan into actually signing on to it), and I thought of a Comment Diversion. Yeah, it’s trite, and yeah, it’s simple and yeah, it’s… WHO FUCKING CARES?! Do a five-item bucket list. Not necessarily what you’d do if you found out your gonna take a dirt nap, but five things you haven’t quite yet got around to doing in your life … Whether it be fictional, dead-ass serious (I’d like to see my father’s gravestone) or something you’re working towards. Five things that are, and have continually been, on Pajiba’s “to-do” list.

That’s pretty good isn’t it? Right? I mean, shit - throw a brother a bone here. I’ll give you my sister’s number. She’s pregnant yeah, but that don’t mean she will be forever.

So, there you go, folks: What’s on your bucket list: The top of mine is Cannes, though number two is finally putting together Pajiba-con. Details on that front are coming soon.


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Comments

You know, when I was younger I'm sure I would have been full of ideas about racing so-and-so car in so-and-so location, having a role in a movie, writing a book, etc., but right now I think the main thing I'd like to do is get my shit together to the point that I can actually, confidently say "I have my shit together."

Posted by: Eep at October 29, 2008 3:39 PM

1. Create my own All-Sondheim theatre company.

2. Swim with dolphins.

3. Play Mrs. Lovett in Sweeney Todd.

4. Own a Great Dane, Bullmastiff, Irish Wolfhound or some other giant breed dog.

5. Go to Scotland.

Posted by: Sheri at October 29, 2008 3:40 PM

1) Make a movie. Doesn't have to be or anything, just want to do it.

2) Attend Comic-Con.

3) Attend Pajiba-Con.

4) Get laid.

5) Rule over a country. Doesn't have to be a big one. Just big enough for my own private army. Don't worry about WHY.

Wow. Even my bucket list is lame as fuck.

Posted by: Vermillion at October 29, 2008 3:43 PM

1. Go shark-cage diving
2. Visit Victoria Falls
3. Mountain bike through Moab
4. Reform the South African economy
5. Kill Stacey Nosek

Posted by: TK at October 29, 2008 3:44 PM

1. Write a novel, which sounds so fucking cliched I just almost shot myself in the face, but it's more to prove to myself that I can actually finish a big project on my own.

2. Tamp my desire to write a novel so I instead aspire to write a bunch of good short stories. Much more attainable.

3. Fame.

4. Live forever.

5. Look, I figured out how to never die, what more do you want from me?

Posted by: Sabrina at October 29, 2008 3:45 PM

1. I've never been out of the country, so I'd really love to do a lot of international traveling. This would also help me accomplish item 2, namely:

2. Improve my French, and pick up another language

3. Qualify and run in the Boston marathon

4. PAY OFF STUDENT LOANS

5. Act/perform in something professionally. This will likely never happen, but I've been such a huge theatre nerd my entire life that it's almost a given that this is a secret dream of mine. Only not so secret now, I guess.

Posted by: eat my shorts at October 29, 2008 3:46 PM

1. Run a marathon (have been training for it)
2. Finish my boring, uninspired thesis
3. Intercourse orgasm (I've pretended but it just hasn't happened for me yet)
4. Live alone in Italy for atleast a year
5. Learn Italian
(maybe not in that order)

Pretty lame list but they're my goals so leave me alone.

Posted by: becks at October 29, 2008 3:48 PM

1. See Micheal Jackson before he dies.
2. Visit Las Vegas or Venice or both.
3. Win more than 10 bucks in the lottery.
4. Learn to skate. I can't be watching from the rink forever.
5. Tell my flipping auntie I could never stand her. Oh if I could tell her now...

Posted by: Jean at October 29, 2008 3:48 PM

1. Finish either one of the novels and get them published.
2. Go to Comicket.
3. Learn Japanese.
4. Live in a house with a kitchen that is not a hallway.
5. Live in a beach town.

Posted by: twig at October 29, 2008 3:49 PM

In all honesty? Hmm... Well, I've already admitted that I love Cher and Hayden Christensen (separately), so this should be a walk in the park.

1- Fall head-over-hills in love.
2- Direct my own script, and hopefully do a song for the soundtrack.
3- Go back to New York.
4- Give my last breath knowing I was a good person.
5- Have a kid. Or kids. As many as I can manage.

Posted by: Sofía at October 29, 2008 3:49 PM

1. Visit County Donegal in Ireland, where my family is from.
2. Hold a baby tiger. SHUT. UP. I don't know why, but I think that doing so would put an end to my anxiety forever.
3. Write something worth publishing.
4. Learn how to play the piano.
5. Buy my mother a shore house.

Posted by: Julie at October 29, 2008 3:50 PM

1) Go to the Greek Isles.

2) Get published...in something legitimate.

3) RV it around the continent.

4) Smoke marijuana in public...legally...in the US.

5) Build a house with my own pimp-ass study with built-in bookshelves and a bay window.

Posted by: VeinsRHiways at October 29, 2008 3:52 PM

1) Ireland
2) Outdoor screening of Empire in its entirety
3) Eat good brie in France

I'm sure I have more, but these are my 3 big fantasy items. The first of which may actually happen at some point!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at October 29, 2008 3:53 PM

1. Steal underpants.
2. ...
3. ...
4. ...
5. Profit.

Posted by: Underpants Gnome at October 29, 2008 3:55 PM

1. travel the world
2. get back to pre-baby weight and size (ROLF)
3. get my own house! (damn you economy and poor credit!)
4. raise happy children that don't hate me in their teenage years
5. find a job that makes me happy and pays the bills

it looks bleak from here

Posted by: courtney at October 29, 2008 3:56 PM

Hrm...
1. Improve my ability to speak French to above passable.
2. Travel (Italy & Subsaharan Africa are top two).
3. Have a kid. Maybe two. Or adopt. Whatevs.
4. Write a kids book & get it published (started, but I seem to lose steam around chapter 5).
5. Finish the fucking renovations on my house. Or win the lottery and buy a new house.

Posted by: Pea at October 29, 2008 3:57 PM

1. ride a camel.
2. complete every painting/ project I ever started.
3. live in Japan
4. beat the shit out of my sister.
5. learn how to fly.

Posted by: rabbi at October 29, 2008 3:57 PM

1. Read all the books I'm embarrassed to admit I haven't read (i.e. Anna Karenina, War and Peace)
2. Go back to Ireland
3. Have more children

Posted by: samantha t at October 29, 2008 3:58 PM

And there it is...

4) Get an article published in Film Comment.

Which I guess should be preceded by...

3a) Write something occasionally so, as Julie says, I can "write something worth publishing"

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at October 29, 2008 3:59 PM

In no particular order:

1. Run a marathon and finish
2. Shave my head (seems a very vulnerable act)
3. Become fully fluent in Spanish (have picked up dribs and drabs over the years)
4. Get my Master's degree
5. Adopt a child

Posted by: scorzi at October 29, 2008 3:59 PM

i would love built in bookshelfs in my own study. i love the look of it and i hate buying more bookshelves all the time. my room looks like a thrift store with stacks everywhere. and i love the published ... in something legit
lol
so porn publications doesn't count??
damn

Posted by: courtney at October 29, 2008 4:00 PM

OK, my real list.

1. Graduate college.
2. Find a fulfilling career.
3. Travel the world, multiple times.
4. Have a real relationship with a guy.
5. Never again be mistaken for Sarina.

Posted by: Sabrina at October 29, 2008 4:00 PM

Underpants Gnome, that made me pee a little, which is like a built in panty anti-theft device.

I love that episode of South Park.

Posted by: Julie at October 29, 2008 4:02 PM

SO basically most peeps here want to get published.


Nice.

Posted by: Jean at October 29, 2008 4:04 PM

scorzi
i shaved my head sophomore and again senior year in high school and it was great! i wish i could get away with it now, but i don't think i could get away with it as a mom with little ones in school. too many teacher confrences and girl scout meets, etc. don't want them to think i'm a freak or anything
lol

Posted by: courtney at October 29, 2008 4:04 PM

1) jog for more than 30 minutes at a time
2) take the GRE and get into graduate school
3) get my Master's degree in Higher Ed Administration
4) become bilingual
5) travel to a foreign country (Canada and Mexico don't count)

I'm working on #'s 1, 2, and 3. I'm slacking on #4, but that's ok, because plenty of countries for my #5 speak English.

Posted by: feramones at October 29, 2008 4:04 PM

1 - Marry Craig Ferguson (Hot, accent and makes me laugh til I pee? Best man ever!) and buy vacation home in Scotland.
2 - I'd LOVE to have enough money to start an animal rescue in my area that never has to turn away an unwanted animal. Pipe dream - yes. But that's a huge wish for me. Matter of fact, that can take the #1 spot if you like. Sorry, Craig.
3 - Lose 20 pounds and NEVER take being in shape for granted again
4 - Get my daughter through HS and college w/o her getting preggo (yeah, laugh all you want...in this day and age that will be an accomplishment)
5 - Sounds corny, but find a job where I really feel like I'm doing something good for myself and others

Posted by: jessi1974 at October 29, 2008 4:05 PM

In no particular order:

1. Live in another country for a year (I'd prefer Mars, but I'm thinking Russia in a couple of years is the more likely bet).

2. Publish a novel (4 sitting on the shelf, and no one ever told me it was the publishing that was the hard part)

3. Hold public office (preferably dictator-for-life, though president would do, and in a pinch I would accept dog catcher).

4. Hike from San Diego to Vancouver and back.

5. Write the socio-economic treatise that future generations will see as a companion volume to Wealth of Nations and Das Kapital

Posted by: stipe42 at October 29, 2008 4:09 PM

1. Record a music album
2. Get my master's
3. Go to Europe or at least somewhere not bordering the US
4. Write something like a script or short stories

Posted by: kelsy at October 29, 2008 4:09 PM

Sorry all, but these are all really lame Bucket Lists. More like "General Life's Goal List," if you ask me.

If I found out I was going to die in a couple months I would:

1. Plan and execute a bank heist, which would then finance the rest of my goals.

2. Ski down Everest.

3. Buy a schooner and pirate all the rich yacht owners off the coast of Nantucket for a little while.

4. Track down my first love and kiss her.

5. Launch myself into space, dying halfway to Jupiter.

Posted by: Macafee at October 29, 2008 4:11 PM

Meh, up it to five hookers at a time I guess...?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 29, 2008 4:11 PM

1.) write a book. I think I've come to the conclusion if it's published or not, I just want to actually do the one thing I've been saying I'll do all my life.
2.) Figure out if I want kids/could be a good parent.
3.) Live in San Francisco for at least 12-18 months. and know that I 'did' California.
4.) Be financial stable with the current boy so we could finally stop fucking STRESSING and at least START working on long-term goals
5.) NEVER turn into my mother.

Posted by: soto at October 29, 2008 4:17 PM

1. Stalk Nathan Fillion.
2. Catch Nathan Fillion.
3. Tie Nathan Fillion to bed with velvet handcuffs.
4. Something, something else Nathan Fillion.
5. Introduce Nathan Fillion to my parents, where he will beg them for my hand in marriage, and my dad will say, "Nope, you have to take her whole body or the deals off." and then dad will giggle, and mom will hit him over the head and say, "That's not funny."

Posted by: BWeaves at October 29, 2008 4:18 PM

5.) NEVER turn into my mother.

Hee... too late for me. I'm pretty sure I'm just a little clone of my mum.

Posted by: Pea at October 29, 2008 4:19 PM

Hee hee.

Posted by: Julie at October 29, 2008 4:19 PM

BarbadoSlim: Trust me from experience, increasing the number of simultaneous hookers is an exercise in diminishing returns. The number of simultaneous dead hookers, now that's the challenge. Just ask Ben Affleck. We've got a club.

Posted by: stipe42 at October 29, 2008 4:19 PM

1. Travel to Ireland and live there for a while, taking nothing but a notebook and a guitar (apologies to my pregnant wife).

2. Write a novel.

3. Record an album.

4. Find a way to employ myself that enables me to take care of my family where I don't have to answer to anyone.

5. Watch my as-yet-unborn son grow up and be happy.

Posted by: Mattfactor at October 29, 2008 4:20 PM

1. Learn to skate, then
2. Attend an adult hockey clinic.
3. Own a home (in process, fucking short sales.
4. Open and operate a CrossFit gym.
5. Become witty enough to win Eloquent Eloquence.

Posted by: Sean (Llama) at October 29, 2008 4:20 PM

Alright, let's get PEDESTRIAN!

1. Visit Chicago (outside of its airport) in the not-summer

2. Visit Scotland and also eat some ridiculous fried food.

3. Have one of my pictures become a postcard, or a poster, or a mousepad...just have one get out there (mostly out of my control. I'd like to think I've already shot something that the world would love, but who am I to judge people's taste?).

4. Be totally excited that I'm about to get married (can't set that up alone either).

5. Accept myself, including the past and my shoes.

Posted by: Jay at October 29, 2008 4:21 PM

stipe42, do you kill the hookers with the club? I'm confused.

Posted by: becks at October 29, 2008 4:21 PM

My top five, in no particular order:

1. Live and work on a sheep ranch in Germany (weird, I know, but I have a German Shepherd who goes to part-time herding classes and yes, he does very well, thanks for asking!).

2. Become an art therapist.

3. Keep making professional strides in my work with preschool children.

4. To ensure the lives of aforementioned preschool children are rich in respect, wonderment, and appreciation for themselves, others, and the natural world.

5. Travel the whole damn European continent (including Great Britain) for as long as it takes to satisfy my curiosity about different cultures, people, etc.

Posted by: kootenay girl at October 29, 2008 4:21 PM

in no particular order
1. Get published in Science or Nature
2. Win Nobel prize (well, I mean, if we're dreaming here)
3. get out of debt completely
4. finish the damn novel already (yeah....I got one too...doesn't everybody?)
5. have a real conversation with my father (he doesn't really talk to us, my dad. don't know why).

Posted by: s. pisaster at October 29, 2008 4:24 PM

1. Run a half-marathon in 2:30 (hopefully I'll be doing that this Sunday)

2. Learn a third language fluently enough for every day conversation

3. Spend at least one full night on a boat/ship - no cruise ship though

4. Own (FULLY OWN) a house

5. Save a life

(In no particular order)

Posted by: Abbey Road at October 29, 2008 4:25 PM

1) See as much of the world as possible
2) Whale Watching
3) Publish something
4) Rock a super short platinum blonde hairdo
5) See my kids growed up to be satisfied, productive adults.

Posted by: wsapnin at October 29, 2008 4:26 PM

5. Introduce Nathan Fillion to my parents, where he will beg them for my hand in marriage, and my dad will say, "Nope, you have to take her whole body or the deals off." and then dad will giggle, and mom will hit him over the head and say, "That's not funny."

BWeaves, I love both you and your parents.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at October 29, 2008 4:27 PM

1. Loose the equivilant of one fat girl to become a hot girl.

2. Re-learn French, and actually apply myself this time so that it sticks in my head.

3. Get my Masters degree.

4. Travel to everywhere I haven't been yet.

5. Scream myself hoarse when the Phils win the World Series!!!!!

Posted by: noodlestein at October 29, 2008 4:27 PM

1. Visit New Orleans.

2. Earn a master's degree.

3. Marry a wonderful man.

4. See the UK and Ireland.

5. Help to find a cure for cancer. (Yes, seriously. Even if it just means donating gobs of money.)

Posted by: Nicole at October 29, 2008 4:28 PM

1. Live in a beautiful oceanfront home for the rest of my days. Current plan: Mexico.

2. With spouse, create successful business web site which will easily sustain the lifestyle we desire. In progress.

3. Maintain a warm, close, wonderful relationship with my children throughout their lives

4. Stay happily married forever.

5. At the risk of sounding like everyone else here, publish at least one successful book.

Posted by: Cindy at October 29, 2008 4:30 PM

1. Go back to college and major in something I actually like, even if I can't make any money at it (Music)

2. Actually make money at it, even if it doesn't make me famous.

3. Get famous, even if it doesn't actually make me happy.

4. Be happy with what I actually have.

5. Tour Europe (doesn't have to be with a band, but that would be nice.)

Posted by: Alexandra at October 29, 2008 4:31 PM

Oh Cindy, I like stay happily married forever.
I want that one too.

Posted by: becks at October 29, 2008 4:32 PM

becks: The club is our organization, not the method of murder. We are far too sophisticated to stoop to something as proletarian as bludgeoning. Our modus operandi is in pleasuring women so thoroughly, so earth-shakingly, that their hearts explode in their chests like a cocaine-fueled thoroughbred pushed an inch too hard on the final quarter.

Well that's what I do at least, Affleck probably just beats them to soggy corpses whilst screaming "Why don't you love me Damon, you whore?!?" until he collapses in a haze of sweat and tears, sucking on one of their severed thumbs until sweet darkness claims him for another night.

Posted by: stipe42 at October 29, 2008 4:35 PM

Yeah, I think I read that about him on his wikipedia page.

Posted by: becks at October 29, 2008 4:37 PM

1: Learn conversational Norwegian.
2: Have kids.
3: Get my German Shepherd Eva through Schutzhund training.
4: Become a better shot than our Russian exchange student, she's #1 in her class in pistol back home.
5: Finish writing my comic, find an artist and have it published.

Posted by: ChemicalCurt at October 29, 2008 4:41 PM

Nicole, I will totally go to New Orleans with you! We can hang w/ Jamiepants. She'll put up with us for a good hour or so until we drive her completely nuts!

1) Buy my father the Cadillac he's always wanted. And with all the bells and whistles.

2) Finish my degree.

3) Be able to donate enough money and time to have an animal shelter named after me.

4) Learn to hem.

5) Be involved in a healthy, happy and non-soul sucking relationship.

Posted by: Lainey at October 29, 2008 4:42 PM

1. leave this planet--or at least do one of those weightless flight things.

2. burst into song--complete with synchronized dancing--with a group of people for absolutely no reason.

3. bet a large amount of money on a game of chance.

4. win the lottery--obvious, but required for #3.

5. urinate on R. Kelly--only not in a sexy way (if there is a sexy way to urinate on someone).

Posted by: pq at October 29, 2008 4:43 PM

I've actually checked off a surprising number of things on my "Bucket List" over the last few years and it has been wonderful. (went on a Safari, lived abroad, spent the night on a train, saved a life, etc.)

Some that are still undone:
1. Ride an elephant (or even just pet one.)
2. Finish my novel.
3. Just fly up to MN at the spur of the moment and tell him I'm still in love with him.
4. Skydive in New Zealand
5. Buy and fix up a farmhouse in Italy (near Perugia preferably)

Happy to see all the love directed toward Ireland in the Bucket lists. I lived there for a year and absolultely loved it. Cork City is a great place to live, and it feels more authentically Irish than Dublin, which often feels like any other big city.

Posted by: Ami at October 29, 2008 4:51 PM

I went to Dublin last year Ami, and though I adored it, I really want to spend time in the smaller towns.

Posted by: Julie at October 29, 2008 4:58 PM

1. Visit Scotland for at least a month and trace the clan.

2. Pjiba-con.

3. Scuba with sharks. With or without cage.

4. Apologize to my parents, all four of them.

5. Travel to Japan to study the different martial histories.

Posted by: Admin11 at October 29, 2008 5:01 PM

1) anal
2) Palin (I think she would be wild in bed and I want the answer to that question "who's naylin palin" to be...ME DAMN IT, but at least I found a way to keep her mouth shut.
3) skydive... haven't gotten around to it yet for some reason... oh yeah, hights scare the ever living crap out of me and I'm likely to shard myself before I leave the plane.
4) got italy... just cuz I heard it's amazing
5) take a bunch of fetal matter (yes, fetal, not fecal), go to a pro-life campain and be like PETA and just throw the fetal matter on everyone screeming..take care of that BITCHES!!!!

yes, I may have a problem or two... but SHUT UP, I wouldnt' be here if I didn't...

Posted by: Nico at October 29, 2008 5:01 PM

First - VeinsRHiways, come to Cali. We smoke weed in public ALL the time. The cops only hassle you if you're fucking a hooker while selling crack on the roof of their cruiser round these parts. The Bay is the Motherland for potheads.

That said, before I die I need to:

1. Get a cannabis club card so I can stop hunting all over hell and gone for some good buds. Just legalize it already, gads. I WILL PAY SALES TAXES happily if I can just go to 7-11 to pick up a joint."Don't gimme no bammer weed...we don't smoke that shit in the SF scene..."

2. Graduate from UC Berkeley with all of my brain cells and some of my sanity intact.

3. Eat and drink my way across Europe, especially Italy and Greece.

4. Help catch and band raptors at Hawk Hill (Marin County) during fall and spring migration. The thought of holding a hawk or eagle give me the chills (in a good way!) Yep, I'm a bird nerd, sue me.

5. Get a really fast car and see if I can make it from Oakland to Pleasanton (about 30 miles) in under 15 minutes.

I'm a simple stoner girl, really.

Posted by: maylai at October 29, 2008 5:09 PM

1. Move back to New Orleans (went to college there, and want to go back)

2. Join a Krewe and ride on a Mardi Gras float

3. Build my own house

4. Drive a car on the salt flats, or really anywhere I could go really, really fast.

5. two words-washboard abs

Posted by: MrCreosote at October 29, 2008 5:10 PM

1. smoke some more cali weed out of my vaporizer.....
...

...

shiit...

wait... who was the questions?

Posted by: cheech at October 29, 2008 5:12 PM

I have only my goal left in life: to make sweet delirious honey-dripping soul-gasping ab-licking love to Dustin Rowles for a week straight.

Posted by: Ryan Reynolds at October 29, 2008 5:14 PM

I also have a ridiculous fantasy that my daughter (or a future daughter) will attend my alma mater and that we'll attend a reunion together in the future. I know this is a bourgeois and rather embarrassing thing to fixate on, but I can tell my Pajiba community, right?

Posted by: samantha t at October 29, 2008 5:14 PM

2. Buy an old farmhouse (by myself) with a porch, fix it up (by myself) and pass it on to my children if I have any
3. Hike the Appalachian Trail
4. Live in Alexandria (Egypt) and learn Arabic
5. Get my own dog, preferably a pitbull.


Not sure when, but I'm pretty sure I'll get around to doing all these things, just as soon as I accomplish the first thing:
1. Break up with my boyfriend.

Posted by: Manna at October 29, 2008 5:16 PM

Hmmm...this is a tough one, but I only have one:

Visit the small village where my father was born in Italy and then retire to the Amalfi Coast for the rest of my life.

Posted by: citizen_cris at October 29, 2008 5:19 PM

My bucket list is the same as my Top five list: Carla Gugino, Alyssa Milano, Christina Ricci, Christina Hendricks, and Zoey Deschanel. Oh I suppose the six of us could "do" something together, like catch a flick or something.

Posted by: professor_love at October 29, 2008 5:20 PM

Oh, and dive into a giant bowl of punch.

It would be sticky, but it would also be pretty awesome...and delicious.

Posted by: citizen_cris at October 29, 2008 5:23 PM

When you've got what I've got going on, people accuse you of morbidity for thinking this kind of stuff. So I best not go there.

But should the signs in the sky read that my departure from this earth is imminent, I think what I'd really like most right now is to meet all you cool Pajibites to thank you personally for what you've done for me and my family.

That's all.

Posted by: Alabamapink at October 29, 2008 5:30 PM

Damn Dustin, you better get on Pajiba-con soon. Alabamapink just threw down a gauntlet at you in the sweetest and most touching way imaginable.

Posted by: stipe42 at October 29, 2008 5:34 PM

First, pq I love your #2:

burst into song--complete with synchronized dancing--with a group of people for absolutely no reason.

I will happily be one of the people in your group.

Here are my selections:
1. Do a "Boulder Run" at my alma mater, DePauw University

2. Go on safari in South Africa

3. Take a few months and explore Europe; see where my German ancestors are from

4. Sing back-up for Stevie Wonder

5. Go skydiving

Posted by: prairiegirl at October 29, 2008 5:35 PM

One adjustment - I would take my two and a half year old with me on the safari. It would blow her fabulous mind.

Posted by: prairiegirl at October 29, 2008 5:36 PM

For all of you looking to write that novel - you can cross that mess off real fast at http://www.nanowrimo.org/ The writing begins in 2 days!

Posted by: muchamuse at October 29, 2008 5:41 PM

Yes Rowles, get on 'Jiba-Con ASAP, make sure TK and Prisco wear BIG name tags.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 29, 2008 5:49 PM

All youse guys who want to smoke weed in public, and get the dankity-dank at the co-op, your first goal should be...

1. Move to Humboldt County. In California (because I really don't know anyone who was born here who calls it "cali"). A 215 card costs about $200, and then you can even GROW it, if you want. Suck on THAT, bitches.

Oh, yeah, and the beaches and redwoods and stuff are awesome too.

P.S. Will you guys PLEASE review Humboldt County? I would really like to see my home turf get some Pajiba love.

Posted by: Alexandra at October 29, 2008 6:02 PM

1. Feel comfortable in my own skin.
2. Feel comfortable in my own mind.
3. Find God.
4. Ask God, "Why"?
5. Find Peace in my own soul.

Posted by: greer at October 29, 2008 6:11 PM

Honorable mention: I would like to see the Passchendaele review, c'mon it was good enough to be advertised on your site but not reviewed?

5) Slap Morrissey in the face with a baby seal and force him to STFU and tour in Canada already
4) Waste even more years in Grad School
3) Have sex with Jason Bourne, I mean Matt Damon
2) Publish my manifesto
1) Drink a toast to my dead grandparents in the pub in Portrois Ireland where they met.

Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at October 29, 2008 6:16 PM

1. Get PhD in Religion and Social Work.

2. Live in a caravan with my family and friends, traveling around the US.

3. Own a farm in Vermont.

4. Have a few kids. Like, 3 or 4.

5. Live in the South Pacific Islands.

Posted by: JohnnyVonAwesome at October 29, 2008 6:18 PM

Julie - you'd love Ireland. Make sure you try cider and black. ask for it that way, they'll know what you mean. it's awesome. also, go to the Guiness brewhouse in Dublin. screw the Book of Kells, go see the brewery!

Anyway, I've actually given this thought off an on. Not in an "If I were about to kick off" way, but... you know.

1. Swim in the Mediterannean.
2. Visit the Palace at Knossos, see the Great Pyramids, mostly see whatever is left of the 7 Ancient Wonders.
3. Backpack across Europe. But stay in nice hotels.
4. go to Pajiba-con (mid atlantic! mid atlantic! mid atlantic!)
5. that published thing would be nice as well.

Posted by: lizzieborden at October 29, 2008 6:20 PM


1) Travel across Europe and Asia

2) Ensure that my godkids are provided for, without spoiling them (too much).

3) Do something for the betterment of mankind, at least significant enough to get me a wikipedia entry.

4) Ride a dunebuggy on the moon.

5) Have hot, sweaty, passionate sex with a beautiful young man one more time before I get so old that it feels skeevy.

Posted by: Drake at October 29, 2008 6:32 PM

1. Rob a bank and give all the $ to my mom and disabled sister, so they'd be set for life, no worries and no repercussions for my crime

2. See the Cinque Terra in person, not just on a dumb travel show

3. Visit Ireland (County Down, ghetto northern area) and Poland (not sure where), where my parent's families emigrated from

4. Drive a Harley or a Ducati on an open, deserted freeway (cross country?)

5. Salma Hayek.

Posted by: Be Adequite! at October 29, 2008 6:33 PM

prairiegirl, i can't really sing--or dance for that matter--but what i lack in technical ability i will make up in enthusiasm. i'm always looking for an opportunity for a cheesy musical moment.

Posted by: pq at October 29, 2008 6:39 PM

Jesus Christ, the one time of day I'm actually away from my office... DAMN YOU IRRITABLE BOWELS!

No order...

• Get into voice-over work, working my ass off at it until it becomes a primary source of income. I imagine I'd eventually, get invited to a premiere or something where I'd hope to meet McConodouche. I'd shake his hand, drop to one knee and karate-punch the bastard in the scrote for ruining what Sam Elliott made special.

• Never knew my father (or that side of the family). I'd like to find out where he's buried. Just to say a few things I never had the opportunity to...

• Spend a month in New York with someone who knows the place, both historically and otherwise. I friggin' love the idea of staying in a giant apartment/loft that overlooks the entire city (preferably at night & snowing), so I'd have to have either a boatload of dough saved up or figure a way to screw Paris Hilton and steal her purse while she disinfects her post-coitus cooter.

• Have a doodle of mine somehow wrangle it's way into the Communication Arts Illustration Annual. I'm a little rusty on my skills, so I've got to get back to the drawing board. HA! GET IT! DRAWING BOARD? Oh, the pun of it all! HAHAHAHA! ZING!

• Figure out a sanitary way to get rid of the dead prostitute in my basement. I figure I could chisel up the corner in the basement by the washer/dryer, but I'm afraid the new concrete would look out of place... Here's hoping by the time Spring rolls around I've saved enough to purchase a tiller so's I can just work her into the garden...

Miss Alabamapink that was one of the nicest goddam things I've had the pleasure of reading. Much love & many happy thoughts to you and your family...

Posted by: Skitz at October 29, 2008 6:46 PM

5. Learn to really ride horses (like, horsewhisperer good)
4. Make enough money in real estate where I don't have to work, so I can go back to school and get my art degree.
3. Be a good enough artist that I can showcase my work.
2. Have kids that will love, honor and respect their parents.
1. Use money from real estate to finance the purchase and remodeling of countless homes, turning them into Green Homes, then sell them for well below market value to low-income people who deserve a helping hand, all the while, maintaining a business model that not only allows us to continue to purchase/build more homes, but that drastically reduces the costs of green-building so that it becomes the standard, and the shift to renewable energies becomes obvious because it's all cheaper than oil, gas or coal.

Posted by: Stella at October 29, 2008 6:46 PM

I'm assuming a large choreographed musical number is one of the keystone events at Pajiba-con. Well, that and the Murdertank time trials.

Posted by: MrCreosote at October 29, 2008 6:47 PM

also, I'd like to leisurely visit all the places that Matt (of Where the Hell is Matt? fame) has been.

Posted by: Stella at October 29, 2008 6:49 PM

Thanks AlabamaPink. I think I'm one of those cool people cause my mom says I'm cool. That counts right?.....Right?

Bloody Hell!.....she lied to me. *sob*

Posted by: Admin11 at October 29, 2008 6:55 PM

1. Take my son and daughter to Europe for 6 months show them how beautiful the world can be .

Alabama i hope we do have a pajiba-con , i would dig meeting you, i dont know if its because my son is fighting the good fight too or becasue i lived in Alabama for so long? You would be an amazing person.

Posted by: gilp at October 29, 2008 7:03 PM

1. Take my son and daughter to Europe for 6 months show them how beautiful the world can be .

Alabama i hope we do have a pajiba-con , i would dig meeting you, i dont know if its because my son is fighting the good fight too or becasue i lived in Alabama for so long? You would be an amazing person.

Posted by: gilp at October 29, 2008 7:03 PM

1. Live in Vietnam
2. Be the darling of the New York avant-garde theatre scene.
3. Be a muse.
4. Inspire some kids to love literature the way I do, gluttonously and passionately.
5. Drugs. Lots of drugs. I'm talking Fear and Loathing up in here. And sex too.

Posted by: Kiki at October 29, 2008 7:13 PM

becks I'm happy to share.

Alabama I hope someday we all have the honor of meeting you.

Posted by: Cindy at October 29, 2008 7:39 PM

eep, I'm pretty sure no one ever really has their shit together. If they say they do, they're lying and even more screwed up than the rest of us.

1) Go through the J.M. Barrie Collection at the Beineke Library.

2) Spend at least two weeks in Italy.

3) Fall in love with someone who loves me back (never happened before - sad, pathetic, I know).

4) Make at least one of those "sorry, life's not fair" situations fair.

5) Inspire someone to do something to make their lives better that they wouldn't have done without being exposed to my semi-annoying Pollyanna-type attitude.

Posted by: LB at October 29, 2008 7:52 PM

This is a bitter sweet list that causes some pain, forges a smile and makes me realize that I am too close to 40 (51 days) to have some items on this list.

1. Land my teaching job. (I graduated last December, so I had to scratch that off)

2. Put a headstone down for my grandfather, since his thankless daughter (my mom) failed to do so.

3. Start my masters, in international relations.

4. See my sons graduate college. (they are 8 and 9)

5. Tie. See a NASCAR race at Daytona or shake hands with Fish. (Fish goes by Derek W. Dick, former front man of Marillion. His lyrics have been a huge inspiration in my life.)

Posted by: richmac at October 29, 2008 8:00 PM

Work sucks, so here's my fantasy top five IN ORDER!

5. Somehow travel to the future and get my hands on one of them pervy fantasy machines from Minority Report. I'd need multiple skin grafts... from my clone!

4. Neuter Sean Hannity. On a prime-time Fox special. Nothing against the Republican party, mind you - but that cat's a friggin' psycho. I saw a recipe for duck balls on Iron Chef the other night. Just thinking aloud here...

3. Drive a 1966 Thunderbird convertible off a cliff. Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon would be in the backseat reading the last page of the script. How crazypants is that?!

2. Fill a swimming pool with Vodka Jello and have a party complete with gigantic bonfire, a BBQ competition and stomach-pumps. And strippers. Maybe a little person. And ostrich rides... Nah, scratch the ostrich rides. Definitely boobs though...

1. Capture, hump, roast and eat a real live mer-person...

Posted by: Skitz at October 29, 2008 8:05 PM

GAh! He said Pajiba-Con! My legacy is being fulfilled!
Number One on my Bucket List- Be remembered as the First to Slyly mention Pajiba-Con! I expect a seat at the Head Table! ((Aww who am I kidding, I'll be stuck at the wobbly card table with the rest of the under-21 set. Kiddie Table'd. Epic Fail))

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at October 29, 2008 8:23 PM

1. Great American Beer Festival, Denver.

What, I need four more? Why? OK ...

Great American Beer Festival, five times.

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 29, 2008 8:47 PM

1. See Mount Everest - don't want to climb it, but I really want to at least see the Himalayas once.

2. Finish renovating my 100 year old house.

3. See another galaxy, preferably from space, but I'd settle for 30 minutes with one of the ESO telescopes in Chile

4. Finish renovating my 100 year old house.

5. Finish renovating my 100 year old house.

Numbers 1 and 3 are more likely to be realized.

Posted by: funtime42 at October 29, 2008 8:51 PM

1. Make a Transformers video game.
2. Make an X-Men movie.
3. Murder Anne Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Moore, Jimmy Fallon, and Mark Yoshimoshi Nemkoff, leaving behind no body, no evidence, no nothing, just make them disappear.
4. Build a bicycle with a two-way generator/battery that automatically adds resistance to the wheels when they go past a certain speed, allowing you to store energy when the trip is easy and use it to take away resistance when you're going uphill.
5. Buy up all the commercial time during the Super Bowl and use it to play the Invasion video on loop:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH4T7UIiGM0

Posted by: Lucas at October 29, 2008 8:59 PM

If anyone's still reading: enjoy your night, Pajibadelphians. Just don't set the whole city on fire. As a Clevelander, it's nice even for me to see Charlie Manuel win the big one. Way to go, Phils.

Posted by: Sean (Llama) at October 29, 2008 10:02 PM

Congratulations, Seth and Philajibans. The baseball gods owed you one.

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 29, 2008 10:04 PM

I know Skit made it more of a life's ambition, hopes and dreams type of thing, but honestly I think next div should be for real Bucket Lists, as in what would you try to get away with if you were going to die in a month, because the average Pajiban's combination of sheer cleverness and depravity would make for some seriously good reading. All I know is I would fear for the physical safety of Nathan Fillion if there were to be an outbreak of infectious deadly disease among the ladies of Pajiba.

Posted by: MG at October 29, 2008 10:29 PM

I used to make lists like these all the time. The fun still hasn't worn off.

1. Travel to all the continents. I've checked 3 off already.

2. Publish anything in something that more than 5 people have read.

3. Finally learn Hebrew and use it to sweet talk my way on to a kibbutz.

4. Chop the head off of the Mel Gibson statue that someone had the chutzpah to place in front of the Wallace Memorial in Stirling, Scotland. The locals have already done it once (it was later fixed), but after staring at that thing for five months during my study abroad, I have a hankering to make it more permanent.

5. Fall in love-- preferably with whichever Scottish man helps me with #4.

Posted by: KatieP at October 29, 2008 10:31 PM

For all those who love Italy, it is a wonderfully awesome place. The food. The wine. I was in Florence for one month and would have very likely stayed there if I could have.

1. Finish my Ph.D. with an article published in Neuroscience or Science.
2. Drive a German-made car as fast as I can down the Autobahn.
3. Purchase and know how to operate well a fully restored, mint-condition, fire engine red 64 Mustang Convertible.
4. Travel the world and go back to Italy with my husband.
5. Inspire someone to do something great.

Pink, you rock. I have no words other than that. You simply rock.

Posted by: Melody at October 29, 2008 10:35 PM

Optimus, honey, I refuse to let you take all the credit for an idea I inspired. Maybe it'll turn out to be a Mona Lisa thing. Sure, the painting is great, but who is that woman???????

Sure, PajibaCon will be great, but who inspired it?

Same thing.

Posted by: Sofía at October 29, 2008 10:45 PM

Always late to the party...

1. Make love to John Stillwell, my classics professor circa 1998

2. Bang two guys at once

3. Write a movie. It seems so easy since 99% of what I see makes me roll my eyes in disgust. Is every movie today written by the guys who penned Friends.

4. Smoke crack. It sounds so great! Who wouldn't want to try a drug that (allegedly) gets you hooked on the first try, (allegedly) makes you happy to suck cock for money, (allegedly) makes you wiling to abandon your children and family and (allegedly) makes every moment feel like Superman was fucking you with a cock made of gold. Now that's the way to die!

5. Sing "This is How We Do It" at kareoke and not be embarrassed. It's my favorite song.

Posted by: courtney at October 29, 2008 11:17 PM

Courtney, Just for you (I wouldn't do this for ANYONE else), I'm amending my list to include:

5. Help Courtney fulfill No. 2.

Who's with me? Come on, guys, this is like the Make-A-Wish Foundation for adults here.

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 29, 2008 11:29 PM

I think given these choices, the order probably matters.

1 - Ibeza. Whole season. In the blue-water yacht I sailed over (& eventually back) - 37 foot Ketch, I think. 4 Staterooms. Extra-large shower and fresh water tanks.

2 - New Orleans. For a year. With no obligations, no loose ends, and enough allowance - paid automatically, monthly - that I just don't care. The yacht is optional. I won't be in shape to really sail it much.

3 - Black belt. Or maybe two.

4 - Go to school (any), able to pay attention to the classes and actually learn stuff. Until I'm done, bored or they kick me out, whichever comes first. Bonus points - contribute to some piece of original research, contributing to the store of human knowledge.

5 - Find each of the six (6) people I've really wronged so far, and make it right.

Oh, honorable mention, a lost weekend with any one of Joan Severance, Sela Ward or Lena Heady, just because I've not yet been able to indulge a purely superficial and pure fantasy infatuation & lust.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at October 29, 2008 11:46 PM

Make a wish? It's got to be tit-for-tat. Courtney gets two guys at once, and then fulfills her gender's side of a two girls at once. We ain't running a cock charity here.

Posted by: stipe42 at October 29, 2008 11:47 PM

1. Go more than a year without getting pregnant. It's been four years since I've done that.

2. Finish my Masters degree so I can finally just work.

3. Get all of my eggs from my very own chickens.

4. Spend a few years in Italy, giving my children a great experience.

5. Attend a Pajiba-con. Hopefully there will be more than one, because it will be a few years before I'll be able to make it.

Posted by: katy at October 30, 2008 12:37 AM

1. Make an assload of money.

2. Become president.

3. Establish freedom across the planet.

4. Meet aliens.

And most importantly...

5. Whack Seltzer and Friedberg, it would be the greatest thing done for humanity since Jesus died for our sins.

Posted by: George at October 30, 2008 1:15 AM

1. Actually write a novel worth the laudatory reviews I've built up in my mind.

2. Play rugby for the U.S. in the Summer Olympics--they can get rid of one of the silly synchronized events.

3. Top-shelf stocked bar and kitchen and the proficiency to make anything I want with perfection.

4. A long term, soul mate, blah blah blah love.

5. One week's notification before the end and keys to the MurderTank.

Posted by: eskiimomo at October 30, 2008 1:23 AM

1. Help my fucking awesomely cool mother get published.

2. Have a gallery opening of something I like, that I have finished.

3. Have one last artsy/crazy/theatrical photo shoot before I require complete photoshopping.

4. Hit every major museum this big bad world can offer.

5. Raise my kids to be good people because they want to be, and at least see value in my ideals.

Sob! That was very hard. I'll read every comment now...it's always enlightening!

Posted by: replica at October 30, 2008 3:43 AM

0. Attend Pajiba-con
1. Heli-ski... anywhere
2. Spend a summer on Martha's Vineyard living like bluebloods
3. Climb all 58 "14ers" (mountains over 14,000 feet) in Colorado
4. Have a sandwich named after me
5. Finish my undergrad degree in Economics with Quantitative Emphasis and go on to get my PhD at the London School of Economics
6. Also, get married/family/live happily ever after.. blah blah blah

Posted by: Kate at October 30, 2008 3:59 AM

1. See the Northern Lights
2. See a tiger in the wild
3. Visit Kruger national park (it's in South Africa)
4. Ensure my genes are passed on (My wife will just have to deal)
5. Set a world record

Posted by: Colombo at October 30, 2008 6:04 AM

1. Finish this ridiculous PhD, and get the hell out of Europe. (Actually, after three years, I'm so ready to get my ass back to America it isn't even funny. Never would've thought that would happen.)
2. Open a bakery and spend every sunrise covered in flour, happily staring at the horizon.
3. Raise a bunch of Morgan horses, and a yardful of Golden Retrievers.
4. Fall in love with somebody that deserves it.
5. Meander from Baja down to Tierra del Fuego, and see everything I've wanted to see since my first undergrad Latin American History class.

Posted by: muttleycrew at October 30, 2008 6:20 AM

1. Find a life partner who is at once charming, funny, sensual, ridiculously good-looking, and head over heels in love with me.

2. Have a steamy night with someone (or all) on my five freebies list.

3. Get a larynx transplant that allows me to sing without scaring small children and the weak-hearted; land a leading role in a huge theatre production in London, New York or Toronto

4. Get interviewed by Letterman.

5. Finally get bilingual in French, after having studied it for thirteen freaking years.

Posted by: Ling at October 30, 2008 7:59 AM

1. Spend some time on the Galapagos Islands.
2. Visit friends and family abroad. (Travel is something that's so easy to put off, but if it's bucket-list time, then I'd best give up the procrastinating!)
3. Buy myself some ridiculously extravagant piece of jewelry. (although in the interest of common sense, I'd probably make sure the returns period is longer than my estimated lifespan)
4. Do something for my husband that makes him feel every bit like the special, wonderful guy he is.
5. Huh, I don't know...I'm out of serious ones...maybe find a cure for whatever I've got?

Posted by: meaux at October 30, 2008 8:29 AM

Spend some time on the Galapagos Islands.

And why not?

http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2008/08/lets-get-ready.html

How does that not improve one's life?

Posted by: Jay at October 30, 2008 8:50 AM

1. Actually use my education in a job where i make a difference (law enforcement-related).
2. Visit Ireland, Scotland, Greece, Africa, and Asia.
3. Coach a kids' soccer team.
4. Learn a third language (preferably Arabic or Chinese).
5. Work for a few years in the PeaceCorp.

Posted by: Nimue at October 30, 2008 8:55 AM

Hey big bucdaddy, where do you live?

Has the idea of a Pajiba "dating" forum ever been discussed? And you all know what I mean by "dating"...

Posted by: courtney at October 30, 2008 9:12 AM

Posted by: Jay at October 30, 2008 9:41 AM

1. Beyonce and Halle Berry at the same time
2. Anne Hathaway and Amy Acker, at the same time
3. Kate Winslet and Cate Blanchett. At the same time.
4. Maggie Gylenhaal and Rachel Weisz...simultaneously.
5. Actually get laid, for once.

Posted by: AudioSuede at October 30, 2008 9:45 AM

1. Drive a car over 200 mph.
2. Bang Anne Hathaway in the pooper.
3. Write a music column for Pajiba.
4. Work on a big budget Hollywood film, and have my name featured as the Special make-Up Effects Coordinator.
5. Win an Oscar for my make-up.

Posted by: PissBoy at October 30, 2008 10:26 AM

Courtney: I'm in the witness protection program, but sometimes I slip up and tell people it's West Virginia ... aw hell, I did it again.

Looks like stipe42's in. I call dibs on your purty mouth.

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 30, 2008 10:58 AM

1. Break the sound barrier
2. Fly a P-51 Mustang
3. Rachel Weisz
4. Chile, Ireland, Russia, Australia (no
particular order)
5. Meet my real life Rachel Weisz

Posted by: wingnut at October 30, 2008 11:00 AM

1. Run a marathon. (good luck becks and scorzi)
2. Spoil my future neices and nephews.
3. Get out of debt...
4. ... so that I can travel and do what ever I want.
5. Own a dog.

Jay, when I read your comments, I can't believe you're single.

Abbey Road - I'm running a half marathon Sunday, also, and my time to beat is also 2:30.

Posted by: phquaryn at October 30, 2008 11:13 AM

I exist in all the wrong places, I think. But I thank you.

Posted by: Jay at October 30, 2008 11:20 AM

Bucdaddy, how far is West Virginia from Atlanta?

And can I amend my #2 to be "Act as the meat in the first Pajiba three-way"? Or have those Pajiba happy hours in other states already rendered one? Confess!

Posted by: courtney at October 30, 2008 11:22 AM

I just realized that there is another lower case "courtney" posting on this thread. Perhaps I was being rash in assuming that Bucdaddy didn't want to help her with her #2, losing baby weight, but instead wants to help me band two dudes at once. Without having to have a million dollars.

My apologies to the other courtney, if she's expecting help with a weight-loss plan.

Posted by: courtney at October 30, 2008 11:31 AM

I meant "bang two dudes at once". Forgive me, I had a lot to drink last nigth.

Posted by: courtney at October 30, 2008 11:33 AM

"I just realized that there is another lower case "courtney" posting on this thread."

AWWWYEEAAH! You know what that means! CUE THE MUSIC AND THE FOG MACHINE!

Ladies and Gentlemen and Trolls of all ages! This afternoon's extravaganza bonanza happy-time funfest centers around the two courtneys! As we all know, the rule around the Pajibaverse is NO TWO COMMENTERS MAY SHARE THE SAME NAME! In certain circumstances, one commenter simply modifies his/her name to avoid any further confusion (i.e. Che Grovera), in other instances, such as this, there's only one solution: FOOOXY BOOOXING! Now, if the two of you will kindly remove your tops and step into this inflatable pool of room temp taco-dip... Betting start at twenty dollars! Beers are two-for-one! Smoke 'em if you got 'em! Two commenters enter, one commenter leaves! NOW LET'S GET IN OOON!

Posted by: Skitz at October 30, 2008 12:42 PM

Hey, I didn't have to do Foxy Boxing... are you saying I'm not Foxy, Skitz? Damn! No love for my "heterotrophic" reply to your fungus comment yesterday, and now this. I thought you liked me!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at October 30, 2008 1:03 PM

i was actually very confused as to how he was going to help me slim down, though, with enough 3-somes, that could totally happen.
i am all about that program.
i am also all about foxy boxing, but can we use salsa instead?

Posted by: courtney 1 at October 30, 2008 1:19 PM

Ladies, ladies, please! No need to resort to fisticuffs. There's enough of me and stipe42 to make EVERYBODY happy (well, enough of ME certainly, I could probably cover for both of us if it comes to that), it's simply a matter of logistics, i.e. plane schedules.

And planes may not even be required, given that from what I've seen of West Virginia, most of Georgia is right down the road. And vice versa.

Also, I've never been banded but I'd be up for it.

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 30, 2008 1:40 PM

Damn! My typo gave away the existence of the secret art of banding! But we can't do that to fulfill my 2, as it involves two girls and one guy, not the other way around...

Hooray! This weekend everyone named "Courtney" gets laid!

Posted by: courtney 2 at October 30, 2008 2:19 PM

visit machu picchu, the louvre and the sistine chapel

Posted by: kelley at October 30, 2008 2:56 PM

Play A Zombie In A Zombie Movie.

Pretty much everyone who knows me is fully aware of my love for the zombie movie genre. The drawn-out argument about which is cooler - pirates or ninjas? Well, neither of those groups is anywhere near as awesome as a zombie. They're versatile performers - they can provoke pity (when you see the rotting shell of what used to be a loved one shambling around and moaning, motivated only by the desire for warm, fresh meat), terror (when said ex-loved one latches onto your ankle and starts gnawing at your trouser legs), laughter (when a zombie's stiffening limbs and lack of motor control send them shambling into a wall or tumbling down an escalator) and, of course, disgust (seeing a recently torn-in-half zombie dragging itself along the ground with its now useless entrails trailing along behind it can seriously affect your appetite).

So, one of my life's ambitions has always been to get to play a zombie in a movie. Preferably one that gets to chow down on a principal character's neck from behind, before the main protagonist lets out an anguished "JIMMY, NOOOOO!" and shoots me in the head. That would rule immensely. Plus, I think I've got the chops to pull it off. Years of watching zombie movies have given me the confidence that I'd be able to render a convincing zombie performance - that rigor-mortis afflicted shambling movement, the unintelligible groans, the vacant, dead-eyed expressions. Hell, all you'd really have to do is get me really drunk the day before I'm due on set - just get a couple of helpers to drag me out of bed, plonk my unconscious form in the make-up chair, wheel me to the set and tell me that my victim has a slice of bacon sellotaped to his neck. Bingo - Best Supporting Actor Oscar in a hammerlock.

Get Told By A Bartender 'I Think You've Had Enough'.

You would have thought that this would be quite an easy goal to achieve, wouldn't you? But believe me, I've been trying this since I started drinking at the tender age of sixteen, and it has never, ever happened. Not once. All I really want is the opportunity to drunkenly slam down a shot glass while slurring "I'll tell you when I've had enough!", but the publicans I seem to encounter rarely appear to have any regard for my wellbeing. I was in a bar once after a break-up, determined to both drink away the misery and finally achieve this goal. After thirteen helpings of double-vodka and Coke, do you know what the bartender said to me?

"You should try Aftershock, that'll get you more wasted."

Gee, thanks.

Grow My Hair Out To Awe-Inspiring Lengths.

Honestly, I could never really do this. My natural clumsiness would undoubtedly mean I'd be forever tripping over my hair, or closing it in cab doors behind me, or having local children tying it to lampposts without my noticing. However, I'd love to get to the kind of length where I could windmill live Corpsegrinder from Cannibal Corpse.

Fire A Rocket Launcher (Preferably At A Shed Full Of Explosives).

Pretty self-explanatory, that one. I mean, come on - did anyone out there read that sentence and not think "Actually, that would be pretty awesome."

Attend A Concert By Steven Seagal's Blues Band Dressed As A Ninja And Spend The Entire Set Doing The Dance To 'Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting'.

I think it would be really funny to do this, just to see what happens. There is always the possibility that I would get my ass well and truly kicked - I mean, the guy is a freaking Aikido expert, even if he is getting a little chubby these days. But, to be honest, even if he did beat me to an unrecognisable pulp, I'd forever after be able to say that Steven Seagal kicked my ass. And that's awesome all by itself.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at October 30, 2008 3:18 PM

(MEANWHILE, at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, bucdaddy has been standing in baggage claim for the last eight hours holding a cardboard sign crudely lettered in crayon ready "COURTNEY ... um, 1 or 2? Dammit I can't keep straight which one I'm here to band or bang or something and which one I'm supposed to help lose baby fat, and now I'm running out of room on my piece of cardboard and I'm havingtowritereallyreallyclosetogeth")

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 31, 2008 1:38 AM