web counter
 

You Say You Want a Resolution? Don't You Know That You Can Count Me Out

By Tater Barley Banks | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (75)

newyearddad.jpg

Pajibans being Godtopus’ own flawless and infallible creations as we are (in my case, at least, it turns out fat, drunk and stupid is a PERFECT way to go through life), we have no need whatsoever for self-improvement.

Unlike the many wretched, miserable excuses for humanity with which we are forced to associate each and every day. They can all obviously use some work, and I’m sure you have some helpful suggestions for them.

So let’s keep this short, because I know we all have many soirees and other hoity-toity functions to attend tonight befitting our lofty social status, such as trying to get some sleep while the amateur drinkers are out being fools:

Who in your life needs improvement, and how best might they go about it? Especially if it involves small electrical appliances and bathtubs.

See you next year.










Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← The End of the Year As We Know It | Pajiba Love 12/31/10 | Celebrate New Year's Eve with Music | A Seriously Random List of the Best Bands with the Worst Singers →









Comments

I'm actually going to use the year to leave people to do what they think is best for themselves. I'm sick and tired of wasting my time with folks, just going to worry about me and my own.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2010 4:10 PM

seeing as i have no soirees or functions to get to, i'm probably the person i know who needs the most improvement.

unfortunately I'm just ornery and contrary when it comes to improvement.

I declare, instead of worrying about improvement, 2011 will be the year of the rise of the misanthrope.

Posted by: idleprimate at December 31, 2010 4:11 PM

Samuel Beckett: No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

This year I'm going for abject!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at December 31, 2010 4:12 PM

Oh Godtopus where to start....
My fiancee...
1. Lose your godawful lazy friends that owe you money AGAIN that they will not pay you back AGAIN.

2. Go to your fucking doctor and begin treating your myriad health problems so you can live to see another year with your feet still intact ie before the pending diabetes (diabeetus) kicks in.

3. Stop spending 20+ hours a week on your stupid online games and anime. It is not fucking art. It is cartoons. Grow the fuck up already.

4. Improve your fucking hygiene already. If I suggest you take a shower, it is because you fucking need one. Take a hint already.

5. A carton of cigarettes is NOT an appropriate gift for your mother. Because she is not in prison, and because it just isn't. Ever.

Do these few things and we can get married and have a family. Otherwise....we're done.

My Boss...

1. Stop saying you are going to handle things and then let things continue on. If there is a problem, put on your big girl britches and deal with it head on. That is why you are in charge.

People in general...

1. Do not get in the express line with over the limit of items and then proceed to pay with a check. Either one of these things should be grounds for justified homicide.

2. Turn off your bright lights as soon as it dawns on you that another car is approaching you. When I rule the world, this will be grounds for loos of driving privileges. Until then, know that I curse you with every hateful cell in my body.

3. Stop trying to get me to display your religious tracts at work. Where the hell did you get the idea that dropping in to a business and expecting said business to keep your Mormon/Jehovah/cult of choice brochures around is a good idea. I smile when I take the brochures because I know that at least I am wasting your money by throwing them out.

4. Soap and deodorant are cheap and even available at dollar stores. Use them. Frequently.

5. I know that the Medicare you paid into all of your life is cheap and does not cover the shower chair your doctor prescribed for you. Yes, I also understand that Medicaid will cover it for lazy people who have never paid for anything. I still can't let you have it for free. Stop asking. Write your Congressperson or complain to someone willing to listen who has the power to change things.

While it is good to vent I am stopping here, because this could turn into a several hundred page manifesto. So, people...keep yourselves in good health and hygiene. Get as much education as you can, and take personal responsibility for your lives and actions. Happy freaking new year.

Posted by: princessnotnice at December 31, 2010 4:21 PM

Why, I never thought you'd ask, Mr. Banks!

My hope for this upcoming year is that my aunt (the youngest of four of my mother's sisters) finally figures out how to promptly and quickly (and with only a hint of pain) remove the stick that has been so firmly inserted in her ass for the last 50 years of her life.

In addition, I would like for her to stop consuming lemonheads, sour grapes and/or whatever has made her such a bitter, envious and utterly ungrateful bitch all of these years. If it's not asking too much, I would also like for her to find the vein from which she has spewed so much venom all of these years and bleed and/or cut and suck it dry.

Let's see, what else? Oh yes, and I would also like for her to do some sort of soul cleanse (or, if possible, find Jeezus) so that she can cease to be such a generally horrible human being who lives to make others unhappy.

Too much?

Posted by: Slappysquirrel at December 31, 2010 4:26 PM

oh, I would improve my bosses by having them issue pay on time. If they did that already i might be painting the town red tonight, instead of drinking cheap swill in my bedroom watching bad movies and grinding my teeth in anger.

fricka frackin bosses.

Posted by: idleprimate at December 31, 2010 4:29 PM

My hubs is the kind of guy who doesn’t eat all day long. Why? Oh because he’s busy. That’s right, he’s too fucking busy to eat lunch. In turn, he will eat a huge dinner. I’m talking 3000 calories in one sitting. So now he has a gut. But that’s not really the problem; I don’t mind the gut. The problem is that he drinks coffee all day long. Do you know what kind of breath a person like this has? Fucking terrible. The stomach is just not equipped to handle so much coffee and nothing else. A mint ain’t gonna solve this problem. I think I might start to place little baggies of snacks in all of his pockets. Some peanuts or almonds. Maybe a few clementines in his briefcase. An apple in his jacket. I’m going to make him brown bag it to work. Oh dear, I’m turning into a mother, aren’t I?

Personally, I need to improve on shopping. Not improve. I just need to stop it completely. No more shopping for me. I want to pay off all my credit cards completely and not pay any more interest to those fucks at the Too Big To Fail banks. Goddamn evil vampire squids.

Posted by: Scully at December 31, 2010 4:38 PM

I like this Slappysquirrel person more and more.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at December 31, 2010 4:43 PM

HaHaaaa! Can we vote for the best one and give out a prize? Loving it!

Oh,and I choose me. I'm the asshole. For reasons too extensive to list here. So much so that I don't know where to start. It's kinda like trying to clean out one of those houses on "Hoarders". Where to start really?

Posted by: greer at December 31, 2010 4:43 PM

I will improve me this new year. I WILL quit smoking and beat this rheumatoid arthritis into fucking submission (or at least remission).

Happy New Year Pajibans! Thank you for giving me so many great laughs in the past year.

Posted by: Jadine at December 31, 2010 5:00 PM

I would like a particular female friend to stop sleeping with every remotely attractive male who so much as smiles in her general direction while deluding herself that they're, like, totally in love with her, then proceed to textually harass me for days on end wondering why aren't they calling herrrr and WHAT did she do WRONG omg and why does this keep happening??1?

Yeah, if she could either learn some self respect and/or become a better judge of character, or even just lose her cell phone, that would be great.

Posted by: Dingles at December 31, 2010 5:16 PM

I'm resolving to stretch *every day*. I have neck and shoulder problems (too much time on Pajiba disguised as work) and I know they would be improved by stretching/doing exercises regularly as opposed to "only once it hurts so much I can't go on".

It seems like a no-brainer, I'm sure, but I am SOFA KING LAZY that it really is an uphill battle for me to do even the simplest, beneficial things regularly.

Posted by: MM at December 31, 2010 5:25 PM

Zoinks! I clearly misunderstood the question. Make resolutions for other people! Way more fun!

Posted by: MM at December 31, 2010 5:29 PM

I was about to say that everybody in my life was perfect, but then I remembered by new French co-worker: a full-time deluded lame-brain and a part-time rampant lunatic.

I pray the little twerp soon discovers prozac, gains perspective on Life, the Universe and Everything, and moves back to France, or North Korea, or Antarctica.

Posted by: SB at December 31, 2010 5:39 PM

For EVVERRRYOONNNE! [The Professional]:

Knock first. Then let me give you the "okay" prior to your entrance. Trust me, SO many dilemmas could be avoided this way. Just make an effort and do your part

Please, thank you, and goddamnit.

Posted by: Roisin at December 31, 2010 5:47 PM

"Who in your life needs improvement, and how best might they go about it?"

As a solipsist, I find the question irrelevant.

Posted by: Pat C. at December 31, 2010 5:49 PM

Hmm, so the amount of love I am given is inversely related to the amount of rage in my post? Gotcha, Mrs. Julien. ;)

On a serious note, that lady (my aunt) actually does exist and she is as awful as I've made her out to be (no liberties were taken in my description of her, I promise).

Dingles, because I WAS that girl at some point in my life (not for long and the list wasn't long before I learned that valuable lesson, thank goodness) I promise you that there will come a point in your friend's life when she wakes up one morning, goes "Fuck this shit" and stops with the stupid shit.

Then, she will turn around, apologize profusely to everyone (including you) who had to deal with the bullshit that resulted from her staying in her f__cked up cycle of desperation and self-loathing and you will get many great gifts and treats from it.

That's if I remember correctly.

princessnotnice, er, good luck with all that!

Posted by: Slappysquirrel at December 31, 2010 5:52 PM

Correction: that would be there is a direct proportion of love to rage in my posts.

Look, people, I'm already into my (*counts on fingers and holds up four*) FIFTH drink so please pardon the misshaps.

I wish you all a very, merry New Year's Eve and may you all have a safe evening full of drink, joy and watching the balls drop (and yes, you may take that as you'd like).

Posted by: Slappysquirrel at December 31, 2010 5:55 PM

Where to begin...

1)
I've resolved for at least the month of January, to not eat Taco Bell, or Dairy Queen, or McDonalds. Now why for a month, you ask? Because I want to test something to see if cutting out fast food helps my weight issue any.

2)
Read more books. I didn't really read that much this past summer or during this past semester. But now that I've graduated from college, I think I should take up reading again. I like reading. After all I graduated as a literature major.

3) Get back into my writing. I haven't written since last March, in part because I had a writers block, and in part I just........didn't want to write.

4) spend more time with friends. yes, I have a job and all that, but that doesn't mean I have to come right home after work and stay in my room doing nothing, I can easily go visit friends that I have on campus before coming back to the house. and it will be lots easier once my job becomes full time and I move closer to campus instead of another town away.

Posted by: LordNinja at December 31, 2010 6:10 PM

I would like a particular female friend to stop sleeping with every remotely attractive male who so much as smiles in her general direction...

I would like Dingles to please stop not sending me this girls phone number and address.
PLEASE STOP!

Dingles, because I WAS that girl at some point in my life...I promise you that there will come a point in your friend's life when she wakes up one morning...and stops with the stupid shit.

I would like Slappysquirrell to please stop encouraging people to change their perfectly normal and socially responsible behaivior because it isn't hurting anybody and it brings a lot of people a lot of joy. PLEASE STOP INFINITY!

Also, stop driving in the left lane unless you intend to actually pass the person on your right.

Posted by: superasente at December 31, 2010 6:27 PM

I'm far too flawed to tell anyone else what to do... Maybe if I could get my mom to stop telling me that my antidepressants are giving me cancer, that would be nice.

For me, I need to stop being chicken and break up with this guy I don't love, lose the 7 pounds I gained from eating too much boy food, and maybe start acting like Dingle's friend in the hopes that there's really some nice guy pining for me. (Spoiler - there isn't. Sigh.)

Posted by: rhombus at December 31, 2010 6:52 PM

To a manager:
Your predecessor sucked and so far, you seem to be following her example to a T. Your job does occasionally require speaking with the people who work for you. Look into it. Also, your co-manager is stupid so whatever she says, do the opposite.

To C:
You live in the South. Quit talking to people about being a Pagan and a witch. You are fully entitled to have your own personal beliefs, but you are not doing yourself any favors in life evangelizing back at conservative Christians. It's not fair, but it's true.

To J:
Fat, drunk and stupid really is no way to go through life. Grow up. You're in your forties, but it's still not too late.

Now, if anyone has any suggestions for me, I'll just be waiting in the corner.

Posted by: Mrs Smith at December 31, 2010 6:53 PM

Brother:
1) Move out of the apartment next to me. I can't float you the rent when your in the process of getting evicted.
2) Pay me back the money you owe me.
3) Get a fucking job...for Christ's sake its been over a year now...and that's counting a two month working period over 3 years time.
Co-workers-
1) Stop giving me shit about not doing anything all day long...especially when I am an intern and you have to tell me what I am to do. I am not allowed to wing things...furthermore, don't complain about my workload when I can see you on facebook. Also, its the federal government...I end up doing more work in two hours than all of you combined over a two day period for much less pay.
2) Sinky Bob...I swear to god, for the last time, we wear fucking ties at the office. I am sick of being forced into meetings, often times leading them, as an intern because you show up looking like a cross between an escaped female convict and a roadie for fucking White Snake. The kid that works part time should not be leading teleconferences with overseas forces...
3) Boss...please...I am begging you...stop telling me the same story and acting like we just meet. This is my third internship period at your office. I know your wife's middle name...hell I have driven her to DC for you. The story you told was not funny the first time...the 100th time makes me want to kill you.
4) Ladies in the office- Yes its weird. We have a toilet right in our office (our building is an old Army Barracks). We guys agreed not to use it because of your complaining. However, when you do use it...please don't shit in there. Walk to the other toilets in the hallway so we don't have to smell or hear that shit. I swear to god, these three ladies believe that their shit doesn't smell...its fucking bizarre and they seem to have zero shame about making the office reek. And the truly funny thing is that all three will bitch and moan about the other two to us guys behind their backs. Government employees are fucking insane!

Sister-
1) For the love of God...call our parents. Mom has mouth cancer, dad has prostrate (and my sick ass can't keep forming a mental picture that those two things are related...I need help). I get it, you live in another state...but seriously...what the fuck is your problem? You know they paid for that useless PhD you got...and that apartment in Texas...which is insane that a 32 year old is not paying her own rent.

Me-
Stop gambling...stop drinking...stop the smoking. Continue to ignore my parents about getting married. Finish that fucking engineering degree before I am 32, and go off to Thailand to build wells for poor people or some other shit hole to burn off the bad karma I have built up to this point...

Posted by: Diablo at December 31, 2010 6:59 PM

Oops, I meant to say this too: I only do one resolution every year, and it's always the same one. To learn/do one thing new a year that is not related to work/school. This year I will learn to draw, as I can only draw stickmen, and those I don't even draw well.

But this resolution adds up well over time. Since I started it at 19, I have (among many other things) learned to crochet, sew, learned handwriting analysis, advanced stretching, run a marathon, and written a novel. I highly recommend this resolution as it's in no way punitive and always fun and challenging.

Posted by: rhombus at December 31, 2010 6:59 PM

superasente, dear, your musings on the fragile girl and the gift of lovin' she might give reminds me of Wooderson's reasoning in "Dazed and Confused" for hanging around his old high school grounds: "That's what I like about these high school girls: I keep getting older; they stay the same age."

Believe me, I'm doing us ALL a service by sending my oh so very hopeful vibe to Dingles' lady friend and I will take the time now to state my hope that, in 2011, she takes time to make 'em work for her lovin' instead of giving it up like they do butterscotch candies (which I love) at the doctor's office. :)

And I tell you now that, when I coast into the left lane I usually fully intend to pass the car on my right except, somewhere along the way, I get distracted writing back the person who just texted me.

My apologies, good sir.

Posted by: Slappysquirrel at December 31, 2010 7:08 PM

Mrs. Smith, are you sure that you are talking about J and not M, because that would be my resolution for him...
But generally, I'm feeling all kind and cuddly, could be the rum balls, but hey, happy 2011, all!

Posted by: Alarmjaguar at December 31, 2010 7:09 PM

No resolutions for other people, I've got too much of my own shit.

My resolution, to make sure the way I spend New Years next year is nothing like the way I'm spending it this year.

Posted by: legarcon at December 31, 2010 7:17 PM

My Friends:
Stop getting pregnant, please. You're boring, your crotch droppings are boring. I don't want to see baby pictures all over your damn facebook and I don't want to attend 'first birthday' parties unless there is a cubic fuckton of booze to help me drown out the screeching of the rest of your spawn. I don't want to hold your drooling shitting child and I don't want to spend $50 on some over priced crap for each one of the six thousand baby showers I'm be expected to attend. On the other hand, if you offer, AND follow through, on being my preggo DD, that shit is the bomb...here's a bottle of hooch you can drink once you squirt that thing out.

Posted by: the bees knees at December 31, 2010 7:21 PM

My resolution for my ex: You are 30 years old with a graduate degree and a promising future. Stop wasting your time partying it up with your 20 and 21 year old buddies who are still in college, they're only dragging you down. Because you, my dear, are no longer a college kid. You are a grown-ass adult who needs to man up and stop living the life of a frat boy. Oh, and you need to stop relying on mommy and daddy to pay your credit card bills. Basically, you just need to get yourself together and grow up already, and then maybe you'll be able to handle an adult relationship with a real woman.

Posted by: that girl with the hair at December 31, 2010 7:30 PM

1. Try, really hard, to lose some weight.
2. Finish up the four still-unfinished story projects I'm working on.
3. Continue to work for the complete destruction of the Republican Party as a viable force in American politics.
4. My motto for 2011: Keep Calm, and Carry On.

Posted by: The Wanderer at December 31, 2010 7:30 PM

since some folk are determined to put up their own resolutions, and in the absence of a post devoted to our own feverish dreams of what unlikely changes we might make in our lives next year, I'll add:

read more fiction(even at the expense of non-fiction)

read early 20th century newspaper comic strips

drink 1/3 less, leading to. . .

lose 20 lbs

get to the gardamned theatre more often. . .see not just the animated and blockbusters but some smart films too

eat more curry

eliminate procrastination associated with trimming finger nails

Posted by: idleprimate at December 31, 2010 7:55 PM

Alarmjaguar:

My resolution is definitely for J, but M is welcome to entertain it for himself as well (or you can entertain it for him if needs be). It is, sadly, a pretty universal wish for many.

Also chocolate rum balls sound pretty awesome, but we're waiting here for the chocolate rum mousse to firm up. Cheers!

Posted by: Mrs Smith at December 31, 2010 8:17 PM

Dear Me:
1. Lose the weight.
2. Advance in school.
3. For God's sake, save some money.
4. Make it about you, not others.

Posted by: duckandcover at December 31, 2010 8:30 PM

I resolve to stop doing the things I love and enjoy in favor of doing the things that I'm supposed to do. Goddammit, no one else is happy, so I have no right to be.

Posted by: Slab Bulkhead at December 31, 2010 8:49 PM

I have five projects I'm hoping to roll out in 2011. My resolution is to roll them out in 2011.

Posted by: Robert at December 31, 2010 8:52 PM

I wish people would stop getting married/having kids before 25. Odds are just not good.

Of course, for some this would require knocking premarital sex off a pedestal, but so be it.

Posted by: Ian at December 31, 2010 8:59 PM

To my darling husband: Please, oh please, oh please get a job that pays real money and has benefits. I can't carry this family for one more year. My head is about to explode.

To my son: Please don't make the transition to the big boy bed and potty training as hard as I think it's going to be. And please continue to be as sweet, adorable and brilliant as you already are. (Note: my son is 2. Figured I should say that, in case anyone wondered that I was talking to a 30 year old or something)

To my (most recent) old bosses: Please drop dead. All of you.

To my finances: Please stop being so bad. What have I done to you to deserve the shellacking I've received over the past few years?

To me: Please get over this damn mid-life crisis or whatever this is. Get away from the stupid job choices and get into the life you want. Figure out a way to be useful to others and still pay the bills. Be a good mom and a good wife. Run more. Lots more.

Posted by: Captain Tuttle at December 31, 2010 9:25 PM

I've stifled this for most of the year, but Tater has given me an excuse to unleash my grammar nazi just this once: studies have shown that readers are 78% more likely to read and enjoy reviews and comments if they are correctly spelled and written. OK, I don't know of any such study, but I'm sure there's some truthiness to it. For Godtopus's sake, my friends, please take the time to check your work. If you actually don't know that your writing is riddled with errors, then at least have the sense to rail against the education system and read some good writing to make up for it.

By far the biggest single offence (by commenters and a few Pajiban reviewers alike) is the (mis)usage of "its/it's". It's simple, really (see what I did there?) If you can replace the word with "it is" or "it has", then put in the apostrophe. Otherwise, use "its". Simple!

Also, the Shift key is your friend. Paragraphs with no capital letters are hard-to-read and look like they were written by a small child (or a teen raised on social networking sites.) Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Finally, if your comment has 2,000 words (see the previous Dustin post), by all means use a few paragraph breaks. There's nothing like a huge blob of text to turn most English-loving readers off.

I will now leave my soapbox and subject you to my nonsense no further.

*crosses fingers behind back*

Happy New Year, you fucking funny Pajibans! Shine on, you crazy diamonds.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at December 31, 2010 9:51 PM

Other people: Use turn signals. They aren't decoration for the steering wheel. And hang up those fucking phones already!

For me: Create more art - words, beads, mosaics, something. And care less about the stupid shit other people are doing.

Posted by: Chickaboom at December 31, 2010 9:54 PM

i'm all about the paragraph breaks, but far too drunk most of the time to care about my shift key to make fancy capitals.

Posted by: idleprimate at December 31, 2010 10:09 PM

For my boss: please quit being such a heinous passive-aggressive bitch. I see right through your nicey nice bullshit--you're not fooling anyone. If you want to be mean, just do it. Quit trying to shellac a coat of sweetness over who you really are.

For me: please quit spending money like you have any.

Posted by: wildgoosechase at December 31, 2010 10:44 PM

so, i made a facebook page, "anonymously" and it immediately started recommending friends from people i know in the real world. so much for FUCKING ANONYMITY. very pissed. i made the stupid account, cuz other pajibers said it would be fun and ANONYMOUS.

Imagine if i had used any personal material, its mind boggling.

new years fucking resolution, get off the fucking internet

Posted by: idleprimate at December 31, 2010 10:46 PM

At this VERY second I'd have to choose my cat. Even though his bowl, which is full of food, is barely an inch away from his body, he'd rather knock over the cup that holds his extra food. So now, I'm watching him slowly grab at pieces from inside the turned over cup and eat the pieces he's successfully grabbed.

In doing this, his claws are making scraping noises and DISRUPTING MY SMOKING GUN'S DUMBEST WHATEVER DAMMIT!

Posted by: Candee at December 31, 2010 11:06 PM

My parents need to learn how to use the "delete history" button on their web browser. I really, REALLY do not need to see what/who they're searching for on Craig's list. It kind of makes my Christmas icky.

Posted by: idgiepug at December 31, 2010 11:55 PM

For myself: get off my ass and rejoin the adult world. Prioritize my adult relationships. Do not spend all my time with the under 4 set, and make sure I make time for my fantastic husband. Drink more, and remember that while I may live in CT, I am not yet dead.

For others:

Figure out what you need to be happy and make it happen. Life is hard enough without standing in your own way. The one usefull thing my mother taught me was to never say no for somebody else. Damn I'm tipsey.

Posted by: McSquish at January 1, 2011 1:27 AM

he'd rather knock over the cup that holds his extra food.

One of my cats likes to talk with her mouth full.
She meows, and all the food falls out.
Cracks my shit up every time.

Posted by: Rykker at January 1, 2011 1:48 AM

IdlePrimate,
"read early 20th century newspaper comic strips"

That's a good one. Like Little Nemo, The Comic Strip Art of Lyonel Feininger, Krazy Kat, Wash Tubbs & Captain Easy, all available now. Mr. Twee Deedle supposed to be re-issued in 2011. Gasoline Alley Sunday strips, Thimble Theater featuring Popeye, Terry & the Pirates, just a wealth of stuff.

This is a great age for being able to explore the past - without having to pore over micro-fiche in various libraries or spending beaucoup bucks.

I'm sorta a comic strip / comic book fan.

Posted by: Pat C. at January 1, 2011 1:54 AM

To my darling husband (of six months): For all that is holy, please stop yapping so much! The man loves to talk and will follow me all around the house flapping his gums! He'll even talk to me through a closed bathroom door. Do not talk to me through a closed bathroom door unless the house is on fire! Thanks and smooches!

Posted by: Shu Shu Fontana at January 1, 2011 8:50 AM

to my older daughter by one minute: please learn how to nap longer than 30 minutes.

Posted by: southwer at January 1, 2011 8:59 AM

To the general populace:
Please stop paying attention to celebrities, celebritards and most especially Sarah Palin. The energy and intellect that you waste in this vacuous pursuit could be put to far greater things and might actually change all your lives for the better.Find something edifying on the TV, there's an infinite amount of actual knowledge and useful information on the internet and of course, you could always just read a book.

Posted by: brite at January 1, 2011 9:15 AM

To my yellow labrador retriever:

Please stay on the property if you are not on the leash. We have a whole acre so there is no need for you to go "off road". You almost gave the girl a heart attack when you slipped the leash the other day. You will NEVER catch the bunny, deer, squirrel, bird, random leaf blowing in the wind that you were chasing the other day. They are just to fast for you. Get the ball!

To The Girl:

I know you are only almost 13 and your brain is made of randomness, but please be more careful. With everything. You almost gave me a heart attack when you took off after the dog in the snow with no coat or shoes on (????!!!!), after having dropped her leash. Write down your assignments. Try to remember what day it is. Continue being awesome.

Happy New Year!

Posted by: greer at January 1, 2011 11:16 AM

I resolve to go to sleeo now.

Tequila is a hell of a drug

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 1, 2011 1:44 PM

My mother, she needs to stop living. And her lemmings, er, other two daughters desperately need to be de-programmed.

Posted by: Tina at January 1, 2011 2:46 PM

Admin (not you, Sparkletits): instead of opening up six new schools, build us a proper high school. Having a fire blanket in the classroom does not count. A raise after the past three raise less years would be nice too.

Mom: enjoy silence; don't feel the need to fill up the quiet with words of all sorts. Try not to insult my profession, express surprise that we do not have your obscure food preferences on hand, or hijack our weekend schedule when you visit; do some research on what it means to be a guest.

Son: write down your assignments and bring home your graded papers or you will ride the bench in the fall.

Daughter: stop being a drama queen. Crying over what might have hurt you isn't charming. At all.

Spouse: you need to, um...well, there's that...nope, I've got nuthin'.

Neighbors: you are very lucky that daddy bought you an honest-to-goodness house to live in while you are in college. But be aware that you live in a family-oriented subdivision (thus the playground you pass at the entrance). Raucous parties on a school night that wake up my elementary-aged kids will get you a visit from the cops and lein paperwork sent to daddy from the HOA. Wanna get down? Go live in one of the college communities. You know, that are right next to campus.

Man, that felt good.

Posted by: Kati at January 1, 2011 3:02 PM

Administration: left out something up there - it should be "a proper high school with a proper lab.". And then the fire blanket sentence makes sense.

Because that clarification is so necessary for an anonymously-submitted requested resolution list that will never be read by the intended recipient. Sigh.

Posted by: Kati at January 1, 2011 3:09 PM

YES Pat C., there's just so much stuff being republished out there. I'm dying to get some Little Nemo, they seem to sell out as fast as they are printed.

I have books of thimble theatre and they are definitely a treat.

I've been having a perverse urge to read 50 years worth of gasooline alley, which has been brought out as "Walt and Skeezix"

Posted by: idleprimate at January 1, 2011 4:00 PM

Oldest daughter: STOP GETTING PREGNANT!!!! 4 sons in 4 years is ENOUGH! I'm gonna superglue your ladyparts together, I swear.

Son-in-law: Get off your tiny, midget, lazy ass and GET A JOB!! You have planted 4 boys in my daughter's far-too-fertile nether regions, now support them! Also, get snipped or I'm doin' it for ya!

mr. dammit's babymama: you suck. He deserves to see his daughter. He raised 2 boys completely on his own and they are awesome. I will cut you if you don't.

Right wing religious nutbags: eat a bag of dicks. Things are never going to get better or change because of YOU.

Myself: stop being so overly happy and optimistic. Sometimes things just suck. Also, post more on Pajiba, get a better job, lose 20 pounds and become even more AWESOME.

Pajibans & Pajibettes: Keep on being fantastic

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 1, 2011 4:28 PM

Me: stop hating people/society so much. The world is a dump. Get over it. Move on.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I serve booze to amateur drinkers all night on NYE. To borrow from Anthony Bourdain's tweet yesterday "It'll always be the DouchePocalypse to me."

Posted by: krza at January 1, 2011 4:46 PM

For the general populace: learn how to wash hands properly. Use soap. 20 seconds.

Posted by: Naegleria at January 1, 2011 7:02 PM

My resolution for my buddy and his wife is to move out of their apartment, rather than complain about the fights they have been having with the landlord for the past three years. So the hot water heater will be shut off in two weeks by the gas company due to a code violation, and you think the landlord's not going to bother until it's too late? Then MOVE! So the downstairs neighbour held onto a letter from your landlord and the landlord is blaming you for not getting the notice? Then MOVE! But you want to wait until you buy a house before you break the lease, and it's a hassle to move in January? So what? MOVE and find an apartment in the meantime. It's been three years, and you're both insane if you believe the situation isn't getting any better. Or do you just get off on the drama?

Also, a general resolution to drivers: stop talking on the cell phone while you're driving. And for god's sake, stop texting while driving. How in the world did we get to this point in evolution where we think we can drive a car while typing onto a tiny keyboard at the same time?

I'll come back if I can think of anything else.

Posted by: a disturbingly large amount of poo at January 1, 2011 9:43 PM

Ahem. "It's been three years, and you're both insane if you believe the situation IS GOING TO GET any better".

My resolution for next year is to proofread more carefully before posting messages.

Posted by: a disturbingly large amount of poo at January 1, 2011 9:48 PM

Naegleria: thanks for "For the general populace: learn how to wash hands properly. Use soap. 20 seconds".

Many times I've read about the importance of washing hands, but I hadn't seen any indication of how long. To me, a 2 second swipe under the water constituted "washing hands" - enough to get visible ketchup, etc. off of them.

Posted by: Pat C. at January 1, 2011 10:57 PM

I'd like my husband to resolve to never watch Fox News or read super-conservative websites this year. Gah. At least he doesn't watch much Fox during football season. How can that stuff not make him stabby? Oh, and he should also stop disagreeing with me so much and appreciate that I'm a big wad of awesome.

Posted by: pickled tink at January 1, 2011 11:20 PM

@that girl with the hair, your ex sounds suspiciously like mine. Been there, done that, now possess the sh*itty t-shirt.

To my fourteen year old son: Put the flipping toilet seat down after each and every use. I have no idea where you picked up this recent habit, but it must cease. One more wet bum as I fall into the toilet at 3am and I'm going to put a hurtin' on you.

Other than that, kiddo, please keep on your stellar path. They don't come any better than you.

Posted by: annettosaurus rex at January 1, 2011 11:57 PM

I think it would be cool to post the resolutions thread from last year (assuming there was a comment diversion devoted to this general idea?) for people to see if they made any changes at all and talk about them.

Just an idea for 2012

Posted by: THRILLHO at January 2, 2011 1:17 PM

Resolving myself, never. Resolutions for others? Awesome.

To My Boss:

My job is not a contract job. Give me a permanent position. At age 28 would like a real job with vacation and sick days and stuff. Just because the job is 'dream job' (hah!) doesn't mean I can't have paid time off.

To Mr. PandaPonies

Please clean up your Hair.

Please learn how to cook so I don't have to fake enjoyment. One more pot of browned chicken without spices and boiled broccoli for dinner will make me lose my ability to be polite.

To my Friend

Stop trying to get me to play online games for over an hour. It is not going to happen.

If you are going to go live in Japan, go live in Japan. Talking about your leaving all the time just makes me sad because I'll miss you.

To my Brother

Move out of the parent's house. They may mentally damage you if you remain.

To my landlords.

Pretty Please oh please let me get a corgi!

That's All.

Posted by: ThingofThings at January 2, 2011 2:13 PM

You know what I'm changing? Nothing. Because I'm awesomer than a box of explodable cobra vaginas, that's why.

Happy New Year, you fucking lunatics.

Posted by: Skitz at January 2, 2011 2:13 PM

What is the Pajiba policy on user name changes anyway. I think I want to be Pony of Ponies in the future.

Agh I might just change. Ponies are always better than things.

Posted by: ThingofThings at January 2, 2011 2:15 PM

To My Friend:

You moved in with a guy you met at an online dating site who had four kids and had only been divorced for six months and you're all sorts of shocked to find out that this guy just isn't quite the catch he sounded like on paper? Grow up and take the damn advice you asked for, which was me saying DON'T.

Posted by: TWoP_Fan at January 2, 2011 4:15 PM

For the lead analyst: Stop being too afraid of people in the office thinking that you're mean for firing someone who has no ability to do his job. They are not the ones who have to deal with a larger workload because his assignments need to be simple, always take longer and need to get fixed anyways. This is hurting you too! Our boss gave you the green light! Just do it!

That's really the only thing I reasonably need/want. Yes, I'm a grinch for wanting a perfectly nice person fired, but it's the right thing to do.

Posted by: SaBrina at January 2, 2011 7:53 PM

idleprimate and Pat C.: Check out Barnacle Press online as well for some slightly more obscure strips; The Outbursts of Everett True and Madge the Magician are a couple personal faves so far.

Posted by: jay at January 3, 2011 5:46 PM

Definitely believe that which you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the web the easiest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I certainly get irked while people think about worries that they plainly don't know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

Posted by: increase serp at January 26, 2011 12:41 AM

Undeniably believe that which you said. Your favorite reason appeared to be on the net the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get irked while people consider worries that they plainly do not know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

Posted by: increase serp at January 27, 2011 10:58 PM

Very nice blog.I like this and will come back very soon.

Posted by: Issac Maez at March 9, 2011 8:30 PM

Our digital cameras must be protected if we are increasing the value of our money, these cameras substantial investment.

Posted by: Hermes Replica Brand Bags at March 15, 2011 3:26 AM