Worse Than Porn: The Most Embarrassing DVD You Own
By The Pajiba Staff | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (174)
It’s one thing to discretely like a sh*tty movie. Something you’ve watched once or twice or, say, any time it’s on TBS: The Superstation. It’s another thing to like a movie so much that you’re willing go out and buy it. This sh*tty movie experience? You want to enjoy it at your leisure. We hope you’ll share the most embarrassing movie you own. Not something someone gave you that you never watch. Something that was purchased for you or by you that you treasure more than you should. A movie you’re tempted to kick under the couch whenever company comes to visit. Here, to ease your embarrassment, are our most shameful movies. Scoff away, Merrill.*
Interview with the Vampire: While I have made no secret of the fact that I intensely dislike Tom Cruise, this movie is an entirely guilty pleasure of mine. It’s completely fascinating to watch Cruise as the vampire Lestat even if he’s not really the same creation as the Anne Rice character; and I cannot help but be mesmerized as Cruise prances about while seducing pretty young things, chastising his protege for being too much of a whiner, and berating Kirsten Dunst and her snaggleteeth for killing the dressmaker (“Who will we get now to finish your dress?”). When Kirsten makes Cruise drink dead blood before setting him and New Orleans on fire, it’s ridiculous but spectacularly so in a cinematographic sense. Things do get stupid though with the Parisian Theater of Vampires, which really is the point where the movie stumbles into nearly unwatchable territory. In addition, one must admit the absurdity of watching Pitt suck the blood out of rats and a couple of toy poodles, and then there’s the jolly experience of witnessing both Cruise and Antonio Banderas bandy about for the honor of Pitt’s vampire companionship. Of course, Cruise himself cannot convincingly pull off a completely villainous character, so it seems fitting that his Lestat ends up alone in a crypt while cowering away from the “false light” of helicopters. Admittedly, I always get a little jolt of pleasure when Cruise tracks down Slater’s character at the end and offers him “the choice I never had.” Bad stuff for sure and embarrassing as hell to admit that I very much enjoy all of it.—Agent Bedhead
Killing Me Softly: My celebrity crushes have varied over the years, and unlike many of the Pajibans, I rarely try to justify them with anything beyond pure lust. If a certain actress stars in movies I enjoy or seems to be a good, charming person in interviews, then that’s all the better, but ultimately I’m not going to pretend that we have much of an idea about the real people beyond the big screen. In the late 90s and early aughts, one of my prime celebrity crushes was Heather Graham. A rather poorly reviewed film with Heather Graham called Killing Me Softly (2003, also starring Joseph Fiennes and Natascha McElhone) attracted my attention when I learned of its rampant nudity and sex scenes, and I purchased the DVD - having never seen the movie - for that express reason. As the back cover trumpets, it’s a “steamy sexual odyssey about the addictive and deadly powers of illicit passion”! Two items of note make this a particularly self-conscious disc in my collection. First, I was compelled to send back the erroneously delivered R-rated version and demanded that Amazon correctly send me the unrated version that I ordered, even citing my Heather Graham fandom in the form that they requested I fill out to justify the exchange. Second, I have still never watched the movie in its entirety, although viewings involving the fast-forward button and scenes specific to aforementioned “steamy sexual odyssey” have taken place.—C. Robert Dimitri
Killing Me Softly | Heather Graham | Joseph Fiennes | Chen Kaige | Movie Trailer | Review
Titanic: This is one of those situations where I know I should be ashamed, but I’m really not. Well, I suppose that’s not entirely true because every time Titanic gets bad-mouthed around here I just keep my big mouth shut. Yes, it’s long and melodramatic. Yes, I would like to take Celine Dion’s long, chest-pounding arms, wrap them around her neck a couple of times and hold tight so that not one note of that horrendous song can ever again escape her Canuckistani lips. Yes, James Cameron is insufferable. But come on now, pretty Kate and scrappy Leo are dreamy together. And Billy Zane is a fine (fine!) asshole. Maybe I did cry when the old couple held each other as the water rushed in, what of it? So yes, I own it—take your derision and your scorn and stuff it. And look, you can watch the whole thing in 30 seconds.—Cindy Davis
The Devil’s Advocate. “He’s an absentee landlord!” This movie is not good, I know this. I know this. Like everyone, I can’t generally stand Keanu, and his accent here is particularly atrocious in a way that makes Kevin Costner’s various accent attempts look Meryl Streepian. Pacino is at his whoo-ah-iest. The story is just silly. The film is too long and utterly ham-fisted. …And I just can’t get enough of it. I have been mocked for owning this DVD and, once, in a moment of weakness, I even lied and said it was a gift. It wasn’t. One day I found a random Post-It a friend had anonymously stuck on the cover. It read: “Burn Me!” Not a chance. Sure, naked Charlize Theron and Connie Nielsen help make the film palatable, but that’s not it. It’s the scene at the end. You know the one. Oh that scene, it’s 10 minutes of heaven. Reeves is melodramatic and yet at his most carboardiest. Pacino doesn’t just chew the scenery, he fucking gnaws at it, digests it, regurgitates it and then fucks it. And I love every minute of it. —Seth Freilich
(Spoiler warning)
Grease 2: Once the novelty of an impossibly beautiful Michelle Pfeiffer singing and dancing wears off you’re left with one of the crappiest movie musicals of all time. I’m a huge musical fan and there are tons of dorky specimens in my collection that I will proudly own. I will point out the impressive choreography of this one or the musical complexity of that one. But Grease 2? A movie that blatantly rips off the Grease formula without bothering to improve on it? I DON’T EVEN LIKE GREASE THAT MUCH. The songs are pretty crap and the dance moves are even worse. Why do I love this movie? I really couldn’t tell you. It’s not just because I’m a Rex Manning kind of girl and it’s not that this movie is even “so bad it’s good.” It’s just terrible. And I’ve watched it a hundred times. So come for the sh*tty, uninspired lyrics, stay for the amazingly rendered Motorcycle Heaven. You won’t regret it.—Joanna Robinson
The Losers: Sometimes embarrassment lies not in the content of the DVD itself but for the reason you purchased it. When I stumbled across The Losers in a Target bargain bin sometime last year I though “Hmmm, I hear this was kind of shit but… Chris Evans, Idris Elba, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and that guy who looks like a tougher and more Spanish version of Justin Long. Yup, going in the basket.” Now, it turns out that The Losers is kind of stupidly silly fun but the fact remains that I bought it for eye candy purposes and I blush a little every time I see it sitting in my wildly unorganized DVD stack/area. For the record, though, it’s pretty good on that front too.—Genevieve Burgess
16 Blocks: For a guy that reviews films, I don’t actually own that many DVDs because I don’t like to watch very many movies more than once because there are so many other movies I haven’t seen yet and ultimately the goal is to see them all before I die. Going through my DVD collection, the only one I could find that might qualify for this list is 16 Blocks, a movie most people have probably forgotten about. In fact, that’s why I own it, because when anyone asks me what the definition of a mediocre movie is, I always point to 16 Blocks, or at least I would if that were a real question people asked. It isn’t, which is why it’s embarrassing that I own it, because I made a conscious choice to purchase a DVD for a very specific reason that doesn’t actually exist in the world. I may also be the only person in America who wasn’t in the movie that actually owns it. It stars Mos Def and Bruce Willis in a very bad hair piece. One of them may be a cop. I’m pretty sure it’s filmed in New York. And really, despite having reviewed it, and despite owning the DVD, that’s all I can really remember about the film. It is neither bad, nor good. It just is. — Dustin Rowles
The Crush: I feel like owning The Crush comes with the understanding that, when pressed, one is supposed to admit that, no, it is not a good movie. I have found that the only way to do this is to say, “No, it’s not good” then in my head say “because it’s too busy being amazing.” The Crush is not bad. The Crush is magic. The Crush is wonder. The Crush is a superpunch to your soul in the best way possible, filled with all kinds of fantastic moments (attempted darkroom murder by wasps), performances (Cary Elwes’s American accent in Saw actually showed tremendous growth and improvement) and so many little extras that make it even better. Like, did you know that the Alicia Silverstone character was originally named “Darian” (as seen in the trailer below) but because this was based on a true fucking story, they had to ADR it for the DVD for legal reasons? On the DVD version, her name is Adrianne. Cary Elwes cannot say “Adrianne” so instead it comes out “EEEEEEEEEEEdrianne” every time he says it. SEE? You don’t get that kind of gold with your “good” movies, you goddamn snobs. Damn, they don’t make thrillers about clinically insane teenagers like they used to.—Courtney Enlow
*I own Signs as well, but it’s not the worst.
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Comments
Posted by: Nadine at January 25, 2012 4:16 PM
Ohmygosh I love so many of these, so much.
As for me? My god, I have no idea, there are some really, really shitty films I just love. Okay, a lot of really, really shitty films.
Total mind blank. And on that note I'll probably go and watch The Losers. Yeah.