Pajiba

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

A wise man once said, "You don't have to come and confess, we lookin' for you. We gone find, we gone find you. So you can run and tell that, homeboy."

Even a broken watch is right twice a day.

Woman with dress up run faster than man with pants down

A wise man once said, "You don't have to come and confess, we lookin' for you. We gone find, we gone find you. So you can run and tell that, homeboy."

Damn it, now I'm gonna have that in my head again!!

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
-John Anthony Ciardi

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest with an ax.

An appropriate one for today:

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

There are two types of poor people, those who are poor together and those who are poor alone. The first are the true poor, the others are rich people out of luck.
Jean-Paul Sartre

There is no such thing as a humble opinion. - Terry Pratchett

Procrastination is like masturbation; in the end, you're just fucking yourself.

Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you.

If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you...

"sex is like Chinese dinner... it ain't over until you both get your cookies." -That line never gets old.

Posted by: D-Day at August 28, 2010 7:57 PM

Or the Red Dwarf variant:
"sex with you (Rimmer) is like Chinese dinner: small portions but several courses"

"Eat right, exercise regularly, still die."

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life." — Virginia Woolf

None of us are getting out of this life alive.

Hell is other people.

"Always look eye."

You have to get your ass off your kneecaps.
--Janice Dickinson, American Hero/Author/World's First Supermodel

MM beat me to it - Hell is other people.

I also like:

No good deed goes unpunished.

"There is no exception to the rule that there is an exception to every rule." - James Thurber

Or: Only paradoxes are completely true.

First of all, any aphorism that starts with "If" should really start with "If'n". That said, if'n a frog carried a gun, he wouldn't be afraid of snakes.

Man who pee through screen door strain himself - Sir William Drake

Some people like to eat split pea soup, others prefer to eat the pea whole - Oprah Winfrey

Now the real ones:

A book is a mirror; if an ass peers into it, you can't expect an apostle to look out. - G. C. Lichtenberg

I've never been with a 10, but one night I had five 2's and I consider that a positive achievement - George Carlin

The man who says "I may be wrong, but" does not believe there can be any such possibility. - Kin Hubbard

Very apt for this Pajiba's favorite targets:

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American (and Canadian) public. -- H. L. Mencken

And I also come back to the philosopher Homer (everything I ever needed to know, I learned from The Simpsons):

It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

A learning experience is one of those things that say, "You know that thing you just did? Don't do that." --Douglas Adams

A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent
~William Blake

"If you smoke like I smoke, then you're high, like, every day." -Nate Dogg

"When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time."
Maya Angelou

"When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, the one that yelps is the one you hit."
Dr. Phil

Which brings us to:

"Even a broken clock is right twice a day."

And finally:
"Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option."

Perhaps a bit long for an aphorism, but heck:

Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies — God damn it, you've got to be kind.

Well Capt. Crackpot took my favorite Buckaroo Banzai quote, so I'll just have to use my second...

"No, no, no...don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to."

Think on this, friends...

"Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it is very dark." - Groucho Marx

Rain in November, Christmas in December.

We're on Earth, there's no cure for that.
Samuel Beckett Endgame

If you think anyone is sane, you just don't know enough about them
Christopher Moore

Love doesn't make things easier, just worth it.
Dunno who said that

A donkey with a load of holy books is still a donkey.

"Sufis rule!"

Kathleen, if I remember the over 50 mantra correctly, it goes like this:

Always use a hardon.
Never pass a bathroom.
And never, NEVER EVER trust a fart...

Gettin' old ain't for the fainthearted. (I might have made that up, but I doubt it).

"I don't hate cop/people. I just seem to feel better when they're not around." (Barfly)

"See you in better days!" (my stepmother's sister)

"The best cure for despair is to do something for someone".

and

"Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered."

It's always darkest before the punchline.

“There is certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place” - Washington Irving

Runners up ...

"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire

"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way." - Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)

"A great entertainer. A great humanitarian. And my dearest friend for 20 years." - O'Connor Flood (All That Jazz)

" ... a so-so entertainer, not much of a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend." - O'Connor Flood (All That Jazz)

And of course everything in The Devil's Dictionary. by Ambrose Bierce.

"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different." - Coco Chanel

"Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime." -Bette Davis

"Chop your own wood, and it will warm you twice." -Henry Ford

"It's all about where you put the horizon." -John Huston (paraphrased)

and a couple from the always-wise Drive-By Truckers:

"The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to roll the credits." -Patterson Hood

"Rock and roll means well but it can't help telling young boys lies" -Mike Cooley

"'Lord I can't change' sounds better in a song than it does with hell to pay." -Mike Cooley

Truly fabulous people never get dressed before noon.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being
--Wilde

A man's face is his autobiography a woman's face is her work of fiction.
--Wilde

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~ Oscar Wilde

"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear." ~ Mark Twain

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength." ~ Corrie Ten Boom

"I think what the situation needs is some imagination." ~ Imagination Movers

you can't fall off a mountain -- Jack Kerouac

it's the irony that gets me with that one

Another one.

"Wise man say: forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza."

If you want to know how a man's going to treat you, look at the way he treats his mother.

I strongly recommend ______ Mixed friends -- C o m ______ to you where I just found my interracial boyfriend! You know it is a great place to meet black men and beautiful women. What's kind of relationship do you want?

sex is like air. it's not really that big a deal until you're not getting any.

and because i saw someone else quote mitch, i've gotta throw down:

'you can't be like a stack of pancakes, all exciting when you first show up but halfway through, everyone's just fuckin' sick of you.'

at ",":

I've never heard that one before, but as an inveterate alcoholic, i say a resounding yes!

“Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”

— David Brent, Wernham Hogg

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you aren't being followed."
- unknown

Hey, ,! I believe it was Sinatra who said that.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
--Catherine Aird

People enjoy things more when they know that other people have been left out of the pleasure.

If you have only one nail, it will bend.

Every new project requires a tool you don't have.

If your project doesn't work, look for the part you didn't think was important.

The person with the least expertise has the most opinions.

People ask for criticism, but they only want praise.

There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.

If there are two objects in your pocket and you try to remove either one, they both come out.

The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

When a problem goes away, the people working to solve it do not.

Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more. Then less just looks pathetic.

And finally, one of my personal favorites (at least as far as ones I come up with myself):
If man was meant to fly, he would have been born with wings.
If man was meant to swim, he would have been born with gills.
If man was meant to drive, he would have been born with golf clubs.

One day you're a peacock. The next day you're a feather duster.
A Texas politician whose name I cannot remember.

Nobody doesn't like SaraLee.

"To me, sex is like pizza. Even if it's bad it's still pretty good."

"An ounce of pretention is worth a pound of manure." I always liked that one.

Mae West had some good ones, too: "He who hesitates is a damned fool." and "Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

"Worry implies the absence of faith" - no idea who said that originally.

and

"Success is not final. Failure is not fatal." From Winston Churchill

Small point Paul, I think the slogan is "Nobody DOES it like Sara Lee."
Hmmm, what a difference one word makes. :)