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Which State of Male Shirtlessness Do You Prefer?

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (74)

timothy-olyphant-shirtless.jpg

Yesterday, Boobquake dominated the site and I don’t want to give anyone the impression that, between the smart posts, we’re not equal opportunity objectifiers. The ladies deserve a little upper body nudity, too.

So, to atone for all the cleavage on the site this week, how about shirtless post thinly disguised as a comment diversion, asking this very important question: Which State of Male Shirtlessness Do You Prefer?

Oily

oily.jpg

Sweaty

sweaty.jpg

Hairy

shirtless-hugh-jackman-2.jpg

Wispy

wispy.jpg

Beached

Ryan_Gosling_shirtless_03.jpg

Ribby

200907_timothy-olyphant-shirtless.jpg

Greasy

greasy.jpg

Paunchy

harry-connick-jr-shirtless-02-806x1024.jpg

Nubile

taylornm1.jpg

Shirty

Sexy-Brody-adrien-brody-915157_400_323.jpg

Wiry

colin_farrell_shirtless-4013.jpg

Fuzzy

Daniel-Radcliffe--Shirtless.jpg

Freakishly Disproportionate

ryan_sheckler_shirtless_two.jpg

Sad

celebrities_male_13.jpg

Wet

14.jpg









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Comments

I think that may have been the palest "beachy" abs I've ever seen. Anyhow, sweaty-nice, greasy-nice, nubile-nice, sad-nice. As for the rest, eh.

Posted by: Sarah at April 27, 2011 2:56 PM

HAIRY!!!

Posted by: Lake at April 27, 2011 3:07 PM

HAIRY HAIRY HAIRY!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at April 27, 2011 3:08 PM

I like my white men pale, but that Olyphant shot is just frightening.

In the meantime, I can always be swayed by the Jack-man.

Posted by: Jerry at April 27, 2011 3:10 PM

And apparently being married to a lingerie model has convinced Harry Connick that he can let himself slide, too.

Posted by: Jerry at April 27, 2011 3:11 PM

Hairy!

Actually, I like any male toplessness that does NOT involve an "outee."

I like my "outees" under the pantsless option.

Posted by: BWeaves at April 27, 2011 3:13 PM

Wiry.

But really, anything BUT hairy will do. Lord, that photo will give me nightmares. I will never look at Jackman the same way again.

Posted by: Scully at April 27, 2011 3:15 PM

I knowy'all dislike him immensely, but damn, Matt McCon is fine. Fine Fine Fine.

Also like the wolverine too. And suprisingly the sad.

Posted by: meh at April 27, 2011 3:21 PM

Hairy...mmmmmmm BTW, anybody else notice the "spotlight" effect on his crotchal area? Or is that my peen-o-scope working?

I could be persuaded to go ribby or wet, however.

Posted by: dammitjanet at April 27, 2011 3:21 PM

MMMmmmmmm.....

I'll take them all except: greasy, disproportionate, fuzzzy and paunchy.

I was all set to eye rape Ribby, but then Wet caught my eye and now I can't look away. I think it's his face, it promises some good stuff.... MMMMMMMmmmmmmm....

Posted by: virenda at April 27, 2011 3:23 PM

WISPY!

Posted by: MiniTs at April 27, 2011 3:23 PM

OYPHANTYPANTS!!!! With a side of Brody...how have I not seen that picture before? Delicious.

Posted by: Cindy at April 27, 2011 3:29 PM

All except freakish and fuzzy. Just seeing the fuzzy makes me feel uncomfortably pervy.

Posted by: Siege at April 27, 2011 3:33 PM

Shirty, wet, oily, ribby, and wispy.

I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: Brittany at April 27, 2011 3:33 PM

BRODY! I forgive you your Fall comments.

Posted by: coveredinbees at April 27, 2011 3:34 PM

Hey now. Some of these are good, but c'mon. We broke out the creme de la creme for Boobquake. If you really want to respond in kind, then I expect top tier male toplessness. Take your paunches and your Twilighters and don't come back until you're ready to make an effort. I'll be waiting with Mr. Bratt. Good day, Sir.

Posted by: jM at April 27, 2011 3:36 PM

All of the above. Uh huh.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at April 27, 2011 3:47 PM

Iron Man-y. Which means, covered in a white wife-beater, doing some welding. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Or, Sherlock-y, doing some bad-ass slo-mo kinda boxing thing.

Posted by: Samantha at April 27, 2011 3:47 PM

Can I say all of them? Even Paunchy? I love the male body in so many different forms (although Freakishly Disproportionate looks like a douche). Except Adrian Brody. I don't know; I just don't see the hotness there. I wouldn't kick him out of bed though. I think this post is fairly revealing of my current sexually-deprived state.

Posted by: janetfaust at April 27, 2011 3:52 PM

How is Taylor Kitsch not on this list?

Posted by: grace b at April 27, 2011 3:58 PM

You can keep the Lautner and Connick and I'll take the rest. Starting with Brody and Olyphant.

Posted by: MissRos at April 27, 2011 4:03 PM

Hairy/Wispy.

Posted by: Sofia at April 27, 2011 4:05 PM

The pic of shirtless Harry Potter is _wrong_--you know, perverted. I know he's grown up and everything, but in my head he's still that 12 years old with round glasses.

Posted by: True_Blue at April 27, 2011 4:09 PM

More proof, as if proof were needed, that overweight white guys without chest hair look like bread dough.

You forgot Magnificent and a photo of Tom Selleck* at the age of 38.

*Substitution of Sam Elliott totally acceptable and juxtaposition of the two much appreciated.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 27, 2011 4:12 PM

Hairy, definitely. But what's up with that bull's-eye on Hugh's Jackman??

Posted by: NeoCleo at April 27, 2011 4:13 PM

I bet Gyllenhalaal looks better now that he's all grown up.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 27, 2011 4:14 PM

That is not a bulls-eye or spot-light on the Hairy crotch. That is the internal glow of intense hotness. It's like a peen aura.

Posted by: BWeaves at April 27, 2011 4:20 PM

Many, though not all, of these will do nicely. Yessss.

Extra points to hairy, shirt, wiry and wispy though. I think we can sense a theme here...

Posted by: Sara H at April 27, 2011 4:21 PM

But what's up with that bull's-eye on Hugh's Jackman??

I think it's a scratch 'n sniff.

Posted by: mswas at April 27, 2011 4:21 PM

"peen aura" hahahahaha

Posted by: Sara H at April 27, 2011 4:27 PM

Can I just vote, Olyphanty?

Posted by: sarahk at April 27, 2011 4:27 PM

Some of these people, I'm not even sure who they are.

I'll take Hairy, Shirty and Wiry, to go, please.

Posted by: MM at April 27, 2011 4:29 PM

I take any style of Olyphant, especially when he's a little scruffy.

Posted by: Sabrina at April 27, 2011 4:30 PM

"peen aura" is going to be the name of my household oddments shop.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 27, 2011 4:31 PM

It's a tie between Shirty and Sad. Though Wet was quite eye catching.

Posted by: tamatha at April 27, 2011 4:42 PM

Oily, Ribby, Greasy, Shirty, Fuzzy, Beached, and Sad.

It's like pervy Disney. I'm Snow-Fucking-White and these are my dwarves. Who needs a prince? Heigh-ho in my pants. Whistle while you work me.

Posted by: Shonda at April 27, 2011 4:59 PM

I would take Wispy and Wiry aged 10 more years. I like them boyish, but not pedo boyish.

Oh and Oily, but in his Baywatch days.

Posted by: Dizzle at April 27, 2011 5:08 PM

I prefer my male shirtlessness to be female. No, not gynochlomastia, you damn dirty apes!

And wasn't the mother in Bewitched named "Peenaura"? Wait- that can't be right.

Posted by: logar at April 27, 2011 5:12 PM

Hairy, Wet and Sad, in that order.

Posted by: FyreHaar at April 27, 2011 5:32 PM

None of those do it for me. Oh well.

Your Hairy picture seems a little misnamed. For your consideration:

http://www.squarehippies.com/images/others/robson_green3/robson_green1.jpg

Posted by: Three-nineteen at April 27, 2011 6:04 PM

Can you believe this is the best shirtless pic of Idris Elba I could find after almost 5 minutes? It's pathetic. Someone could have screencaptured him in The Big C or something.

http://poponthepop.com/gallery/idris-elba-shirtless/

Posted by: Three-nineteen at April 27, 2011 6:15 PM

So, to atone for all the cleavage on the site this week ...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. One does not atone for boobies. One appreciates boobies. One celebrates boobies. One contemplates the elegant 4th-order functions describing their curves. (5th-order if you count time, and why wouldn't you?)

One savors boobies, reaching out to brush, first taking in the texture, the resilience, the gentle weight, the wonderful restrained responsiveness. Then you move about differently, with great attention, harder, softer, here and there, searching for what is most appreciated. Then ...

Thank Godtopus a Jagger / Fergie clip came on the TV, or I'd have been gone for a while. Whew.

Put away that sexism, overlord. As equal opportunity objectifiers, can't we just be ambisexual chesticle-positive?

We're here. We leer. Get used to it!

Carry on.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at April 27, 2011 6:17 PM

both of my comments with some dark meat have been eaten by the internets hmmmmm

Posted by: blacksred at April 27, 2011 6:23 PM

I was going to try and post some more shirtless links, but while noodling around I found this tumblr so I won't be back for a while.

http://colinfirthfans.tumblr.com/

Posted by: Three-nineteen at April 27, 2011 6:24 PM

Posted by: Nedra's wife at April 27, 2011 6:28 PM

I think I'll just be in my own fairy tale: Cindy D. and the Seven Boys. I'm pretty sure I'll need each of them to kiss me before I can drag myself out of bed for the lovingly made breakfast that my little men have laid out on the table. And speaking of being laid out on a table...

Posted by: Cindy at April 27, 2011 6:31 PM

I prefer male shirtlessness to be Riggins-esque:

http://www.ismellsmut.com/wp-content/gallery/taylor-kitsch/taylor-kitsch.jpg

Posted by: Rachel at April 27, 2011 7:00 PM

Beachy? More like bleachy. Am I right?

Shonda, you just made my night! "Whistle while you work me is now my new mating call."

Posted by: E-Money at April 27, 2011 7:05 PM

HAIRY!

You know, when I was little, I could never understand the appeal for men with hairy chests. But now, I totally get it. I still can appreciate a smooth chest, especially how it's easier to see the musculature, but it doesn't bring up the animalistic nether-quivers...

Oh, and another vote for Nedra's wife's write-in: Isaiah Mustafa (The Amazing Old Spice Guy!)

Posted by: zyzzyva at April 27, 2011 7:05 PM

As Three-nineteen alluded to above, is Hugh Jackman really considered hairy (not that I mind any reason to post a pic)? I guess by Hollywood...

Also, for some reason, my first thought upon seeing a bunch of shirtless guys mostly posing for the camera is to want to rub them on the belly (excepting probably Greasy and F.D.; I suspect touching them would just not feel right, whether physically or otherwise).

Posted by: f. at April 27, 2011 7:27 PM

"We're here. We leer. Get used to it!"

I smell a new tagline.

Posted by: Sara H at April 27, 2011 7:34 PM

Hugh Jackman is NOT suuper hairy. HugeAckman is a lovely hairy guy for non-real life, which is to say he has a coiffed chest of many scruff. In real life chest bush equals back forest (shoulder and/or lower).

It's like the Facts of Life: You take the good (chest hair), you take the bad (back hair) and thereyouhavethefactsoflife! Because at the end of the day, I'd take a rogue patch of fuzz on the back over a lily-white androgynous man-child, who may or may not be able to count the number of ball-hairs on one hand.

But then again I'd snarf a broom-handled-stachioed gent before I'd even except money to consider a sit down a bald-bodied-boy.

harumphf!

Posted by: beet salad at April 27, 2011 7:56 PM

Peenaura? Isn't that a Hanukkah thing?

Posted by: dammitjanet at April 27, 2011 8:08 PM

Methinks this was written/compiled by a man. A man would never really really know that thang that nameless thang that just ...

Le sigh.

Nevermind:

Shirty and Wet.

But I protest that none of these captures the true essence of a foxy shirtless man.

And did you HAVE to put that Twilight child in there? Stupid. Total man move. They just don't get it.

Posted by: klingonfree at April 27, 2011 8:54 PM

GreasyandwetpraiseGodandblesshisholyname

Posted by: Rest In Peace at April 27, 2011 8:55 PM

Blergh. NONE OF THE ABOVE. Not with a 10 foot pole. Yurgh.

Posted by: Figgy at April 27, 2011 9:56 PM

I'm not wired that way, but speaking as a nordic sort of guy, how does THAT qualify as hairy?

Really? Truly? *sigh* Ah well, we burly, furry men do have our admirers.

Granted some of them are men in search of 'Bears'... *more sigh*

Posted by: Wintermute at April 27, 2011 10:07 PM

Why must I choose?

Oh, but then again, Olyphant IS ribbed for my pleasure.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at April 27, 2011 10:22 PM

BierceAmbrose

That was a beautiful essay, my friend. I may nominate you for a Pulitzer in Boobie Studies.

/single tear

Posted by: Uriah Creep at April 27, 2011 10:33 PM

The shirty picture made me laugh, and I'm not even sure why. I love it. Wiry's good, too.

But now I may have to go back and reexamine the boob post in interest of being properly equal-opportunity.

Posted by: Shibuyama at April 27, 2011 10:47 PM

Ryan Reynolds is not Beached, he's Ghosty!

Posted by: Jerry at April 27, 2011 11:12 PM

MOAR OLYPHANT.

Posted by: Kelly at April 27, 2011 11:55 PM

Can you give us some more examples..? I'm having a hard time making up my mind...

Posted by: Sarah J-Town at April 28, 2011 4:24 AM

Hairy, Wispy or Wiry. I don't mind when men are naturally hairless but I don't like when they wax or shave their chest. Seems prissy.

Posted by: becks at April 28, 2011 7:41 AM

RIBBY. Sweet mother of god, RIBBY. Sigh...

Posted by: me at April 28, 2011 9:39 AM

I prefer my male shirtlessness to be female. No, not gynochlomastia, you damn dirty apes!

And wasn't the mother in Bewitched named "Peenaura"? Wait- that can't be right
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No Logar, that was Endora, or End-aura which is the glow of light from a perfectly shaped ass.

I don't much care for gynochlomusclemastia, man boobs with muscles. Man boobs are man boobs, doesn't matter if you bench press 500 lbs. to get them.

And now for my vote.......

None of the above. Give me Maximus Decimus Meridius. Russell Crowe in "Glad He Ate Her". swoon....thud!
Now THAT is a real man.

Posted by: kirbyjay at April 28, 2011 10:01 AM

Oh yeah...where's Mark Wahlberg? What he lacks in height he makes up for in yummy!

and Keanu Reeves? You may not like his acting but he has the best belly scar in the biz.

Posted by: kirbyjay at April 28, 2011 10:04 AM

Ribby.The Boyfriend is Ribby and looks like Olyphant with his shit off. Also I am now going to watch certain episodes of Justified, then A Perfect Getaway, then Go!, in that order. And yes, I shall be in my bunk.

Posted by: Nadine at April 28, 2011 10:14 AM

kirbyjay: Are you being serious? Because, if so, HIGH FIVE and AMEN.

Posted by: Samantha at April 28, 2011 12:32 PM

No, this doesn't equate Boobquake at all. You featured the likes of Eva Green, Salma Hayek, and Monica Bellucci and now you throw the Twilight kid and that unfortunate picture of Harry Connick Jr and think we won't notice? Not cool.

On to the ogling:

Hairy is yummy, though I don't even think he's particularly hairy. He just looks like a grown man. I like 'em that way I guess.

Wispy is hot from the neck down. That face looks too dumb for words.

Bleached is pretty damn pale, but the body (and the man himself) is hot. I wouldn't kick him out of bed for not being a sun worshiper. I wouldn't kick Wiry out of bed either, as long as he doesn't say anything stupid.

Shirty makes me laugh. The bod is sexy, but that posed, "I'm SO cool" look is such a turnoff. I know it's supposed to look like he's not trying, but it just doesn't translate. It just looks douchey. Though I'd screw him in a heartbeat over the other models, especially Freakishly Disproportionate. I want to punch him. Repeatedly.

Sad is fucking hot, crappy movies or not, but the award totally goes to Ribby. Sweet, sweet Ribby. Now if I could just photoshop a cowboy hat on that screenshot...

Posted by: Kala at April 28, 2011 12:35 PM

Beached, Fuzzy, Paunchy - no thank you.

All the rest - hells yeah. I...Olyphant...that hairway to heaven...overwhelmed by thoughts of dong...

Posted by: jzhz at April 28, 2011 4:20 PM

I agree Kala. I was starting to think I might be a lesbian because none of those shirtless chests appealed to me, but then I reasoned that it was the list that was flawed not my libido. Not that lesbian libido's are flawed it's just....OH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!

So here is my list
1. Russell Crowe
2. Marky Mark
3. Jeremy Renner ( sans yellow tongue )
4. Keanu Reeves ( a plethora of scars and we all know "chicks dig scars" )
5. Sean Bean ( about 10 years younger, the drink is aging him fast)
6. Kevin Costner ( about 20 years younger cuz he kinda turned into a douche)
7. Lee Marvin ( don't ask )
8. Steven Hyde
9. Fitzwilliam Darcy
10.Phillip Gallagher

Now that is quite the eclectic bunch

Posted by: kirbyjay at April 28, 2011 5:03 PM

kirbyjay: Are you being serious? Because, if so, HIGH FIVE and AMEN.

Posted by: Samantha at April 28, 2011 12:32 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I am being serious in a silly, childish way.

And I do not joke about Russell Crowe. He is the man!

Posted by: kirbyjay at April 28, 2011 5:05 PM

Late to the game, but I had to post in protest. As someone else up thread stated, this is not an equivalent for boobquake since most of these men are not top shelf. Where the hell are Kitsch, Reynolds and Evans?

Posted by: Groovy Violet at May 1, 2011 5:23 PM