Pajiba

my problem is that GothScene dating community ad. WTF?!

I have what looks like a rash near my groin area,
Should I be worried?

That depends Bslim if it’s a dry rash or a wet rash. Dry rashes come from your ball sack rubbing against your legs. But a wet rash might be a bump that has busted open.

Is your name really Tater Barley Banks?

Re: Lip Rings

Face hardware is the new braces lockup, is the new thong-th-thong-thong-thong butt-flossing accident, is the new sand in your bikini, is the new bustle mouse trap or codpiece intaglio. Each generation has its own version of sexy self-decoration, half titillation, half "You are so square." to the olds.

If you are one of the cool kids, inconvenience from the decoration du trend merely cements your with-it-ness. The lip rings don't so much "interfere as advertise the coolness.

Practically, a multitool is your friend - don't have the sexy times without it.

Rusty Lip Rings finally reached critical and commercial success with his third album, Strummin' 'n Rubbin'.

I'm in college, and there's a girl who has sucked face with two of my ex-boyfriends in front of me at parties. I'm not being paranoid either--she shows up at parties hosted by my friends just hoping she can make out with someone in my friend group. It's strange and uncomfortable for everyone involved. Last weekend, someone I hardly know even commented to me about how ridiculous the situation was.

Tonight, she has the opportunity to achieve the trifecta, right in front of me. Every guy I've dated. I know she's insecure, that it's petty and I shouldn't care, but it doesn't change the fact that it will hurt me. Any suggested for how to handle this?

My problems are nothing of the sort that I would solicit input from this crew. The BSlim/Guess Who exchange already cemented my point...

But there's this: why does my brain want to mash that byline into Tyra Banks?

1. I lurves me some bucdaddy.
2. Big up to Dustin for going with this.
3. Sorry figgy, this is going to get long.
4. Lip rings are only an issue if he's going down and "threads the needle" so to speak.
5. I don't know how BSlim got up here and banged my mom, but she had to use a topical anti-biotic ointment.
6. Gin, beer, rum, or tequila? I'm having a quandary.

Thanks for the advice, s.piz. I don't have any mouth related piercings, so I guess that's good news!

Thanks to BierceAmbrose I know have ridiculous images of captures lovers dancing in my head. Thanks for that.

Pryce, how is this girl figuring out where you and your friend are hanging out? Maybe if you can figure out who's feeding her the information you can end the situation. And start nailing down some facebook privacy settings so she can't stalk your group that way. If you can't, take her relentless pursuit as proof of your excellent taste in men and go on your merry way.

Re: buddy

Listen buc you don’t have a problem at all, wanting to knock the bottom out of your friend’s wife is no big deal. If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to do some guy’s wife I’d have more than Bill Gates.

I have a problem that I need some advice on. A friend of mine and I were out one night drinking, we pick up this older broad and take her to a motel. Next thing you know we’re tag teaming her, my friend is taking her from behind something furious, but every time he goes in her he looks at me. Can someone tell me the proper etiquette concerning tag teaming a broad, and should you make eye contact with your homie?

proper etiquette concerning tag teaming a broad

No crossing swords, obviously. And as little physical contact as possible. Unless you're into that, in which case why bother finding a broad at all?

Sorry esme but the guy’s a homo, he has a girlfriend but he’s not banging her? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, add that to the fact that he’s a religious nut job, that just screams homo. What you can do is stop flirting with this guy cause he aint looking for quiche he’s looking for a tube steak.

I kinda hate my husband. He's a lot older than me, and I wasn't terribly secure in myself when we met. He completely trashed my 8-month trip to Europe, has called/emailed and threatened ex-boyfriends behind my back, has gone into my email to see if I was still communicating with said exes, etc. Lately, he's stopped doing any chores whatsoever, and started going out clubbing three times a week with his friends. He also works as 2nd level tech support, but knows nothing about hardware. He's trashed BOTH our computers because he wouldn't listen to anyone or ask for help when he decided he was gonna fix our rigs.

The big BUT is that he has a daughter who I've helped raise since she was 1 and a half. Her mom is batshit crazy (e.g. once accused me of plotting to dehydrate the baby by using an oatmeal-based lotion; took us to court because we let the baby pick out a top with camouflage in it), and my husband doesn't know anything about kids, nor particularly like any that aren't related to him. I love this kid like crazy, and couldn't stand to hurt her, much less throw her to the proverbial wolves.

So...now what? We both barely survive on our paychecks, so we can't afford counselling, and we're not religious, so no free counselling. :-/

My main problem is money, which I guess isn't all that exciting. Mainly in that regard though, I've been sleeping on the same super cheapo, lumpy, saggy, completely fucking useless piece of shit bed for the last ten years, and have hit the end of my tolerance.

One of the mattress joints around these here parts is currently having a sale in which $1500+ beds have been marked down to $799.

The question: Who the hell do I have to blow around here to get a decent bed?

....that's "bed" as in a Sealy Posturepedic Preferred Concierge pillowtop mattress with memory foam and comfort coils....not "bed" as in, you know, humping. That's not part of the deal.

Uh, no. I moved to Europe for 8 months on a WORK visa, two months after I met him (i.e., I already had the tickets, and told him so when we started dating).

If you're interested, I was working for a charity that protects abused children.

Edwina,

Big Lots was selling brand name, really decent mattresses for like $100 each a few months ago. I don't know if they still have some, but I got my stepdaughter two Sealy mattresses for her bunk beds @ $99 a piece.

If you need "pillowtop", you might want to look into egg carton foam. You can get a piece fitted to your bed for about $10, and its like sleeping on awesome.

Kat, I think your husband is asking you for attention judging from the signs he’s exhibiting. The guy is much older than you, maybe he’s trying to work out his own issues concerning you and his kid. For Christ sake this is getting depressing, does any one have any sex problems I can help solve cause that is my specialty?

OK, sex problem for Guess Who!

1) I can't feel anything from my boobs. They're HUGE and my boyfriends and girlfriends always want to suck on them or twist them or whatever, but it does NOTHING for me. I've gotten to the point where I just get annoyed if they're obsessing over my tits.

2) I love, love, love anal, but I come too fast, and then I'm super sensitive. I've never met a guy who stays hard enough after he comes to let him get off before I do, and I don't wanna touch peen that's been in my butt.

Please, guru. Tell me what to do!

I looked at the mayo clinic website today and I have every single symptom for ovarian cancer. I'm scared.

Admittedly, I am a bit of a hypochondriac, but when you go about 12 for 12 in the symptom list, I think feeling a bit genuine concerned is valid.

Do NOT self-diagnose. DO demand a CAT scan.

I was sick for about 3 months. The doctor was so busy laughing at my suggestion that it might be an ulcer (it fit the online symptom list), that he didn't actually give me a CAT scan or examine me at all.

It turns out, my appendix had burst at the beginning of the three months, and I had been walking around with a necrotic organ for that long, until I went into the ER and couldn't walk, sit, or lie down.

No, -I- come too quickly from anal, and then my skin (and whatever) is way too sensitive to be touched without pain. Like, all touching has to end for at least ten or twenty minutes after I come from anal, because my skin hurts.

Anyone know where I can find original hubcaps for a 1977 Buick LeSabre?

The little German girl I look after WON'T STIP BITING ME.

Ami - INSIST on testing. Do it now. I almost lost my life because I let the doctors slide when they told me what I wanted to hear: "It's not cancer."

Thankfully, a young resident saw my case, insisted on a biopsy, and I'm still here. Yes, I was scared, and yes, I had a year of horrible treatments. But I'm alive and getting on with things now, sans Danger Boob.

It's terrifying to know you have cancer, but it's a hell of a lot worse finding out you're going to die because you waited too long. Get in there and get tested.

Rig - also with the boob thing. I understand - boob play doesn't do anything for me either. Usually, people do stuff to each other that they want done to themselves. When they make a move for your tits, turn it over and go for theirs.

Cock rings, riiiiiiiiiight. Fuck a cock ring, if a guy can’t hold his load for two seconds what good is he? Me personally I’m uncut, I have the ability to hold out for a long time, believe it or not I’ve never said to a woman I’m coming before she’s come. I take pride in not getting off before the broad I’m banging has gotten off, I’m what you might call an attentive lover.

Rig, a column I read on Jezebel got a question from a woman who orgasms really quick also. Here's a link:
http://jezebel.com/5350761/im-a-girl-who-comes-too-fast
Hopefully that'll have some helpful advice. Otherwise, maybe try and make sure that anal is the LAST thing you do? And just let your partner know that it's a surefire way to make YOU come, but it's also going to guarantee that they end up taking matters into their own hands for themselves. So to speak.

ami, get tested. As soon as possible. Insist on it, tell the doctor you understand you're being a hypochondriac, that it's probably nothing, that it might just be all in your head, but insist on getting fully 100% tested so there's no question one way or the other.

Oh I am SO not including anything in here in the EE. Too damn long and bizarre. Plus, I actually DO things on weekends...

First of all JP you honor us with your presence, I guess if we were cool and hip like you we would be out on the town club hopping and generally blessing all the cool kids with your sunshine. But the blands are being held here hostage by their own awkwardness and shyness, but if you please when you return from funkytown I hope you will regale us with your stories from the big city.

Hey I'm not passing judgment here, just sayin' that I'm not gonna be reading all these anytime soon...

Well its Friday, I am three beers into the six pack I sneaked into work with, and I got about two more hours to kill...so I am going to bitch...

I got a problem with family....
This summer, I had an internship on a military base. I got taken out to lunch by a couple of people in the office. While sitting at a pizza joint, one of the girls noticed this crazy, homeless looking guy arguing with people outside of the pizza joint. Behind him was a ride on lawn mower parked between cars. This started a mild discussion amongst us as to why someone would park their lawn mower in a parking lot. I pointed out that obviously it was the crazy guy. Most likely he was no longer allowed to drive cause he got too many DUI's. Everyone agreed that it made sense, and to my surprise, when we left, the dude started following us, shouting out my first name. Turned out, it was my uncle who hasn't been sober for about 10 years. I didn't recognize him at all until that point and pretty much half of my office learned that part of my family is homeless (the uncle isn't the only one). The worst part is that some of the people felt the need to get all high and mighty about the fact that we (the none drug using/alcohol abusing side) have written him off. Yeah, cause I guess we should still have him over for Thanksgiving after he killed my dad's sister in a car wreck.

But old Uncle shithead ain't the biggest bug in my ass. My younger brother is working hard to be junior shit stain of the family. I did a stint in the military cause my folks couldn't afford 4 kids in college. My little brother is wicked smart, and was already going to school so I just went and joined the military as a way to get away from everyone. To my surprise, and despite my expressing how much I hated it, my little brother ended up dropping out of school and following me in two years later. Well all hope of him learning some discipline was soon dashed. About 2 years into a 6 year commitment, he ends up back home. He feeds my folks some bullshit story about him getting hurt and getting separated which makes no fucking sense because he has no benefits. Turns out, after I made a phone call to a cat I knew on his boat, my brother came as close as a BCD as possible for drugs. Like I said before, I hated the military...but I sure as hell wasn't going to leave early just so some other poor sucker had to pull my load.

Fast forward, I make some more calls for my brother and set him up with a $70k a year job in Detroit. I tell, "Look, it isn't an easy job, but the money is good and its the best I can do with your record. Keep your nose clean for two years, don't set down roots, and I can get you something even better." He lasts 8 months. In that time, the shithead buys a house there (it was a terrible market even before the bubble popping) and gets not one, but three DUI's, including one in a company car(ergo...instant job firing). He ends up on my parents couch for 2 years without work, all the while ducking bill collectors. As a favor to my father (at this point I wasn't even talking to my brother because I went out on a huge limb for him with a military buddy to get him that job) I get him an interview with another company in Phili, for almost the same money. Keep in mind, he still has a fucking house in Detroit that he is getting calls about. The fuckwad ends up not even showing up for the damn interview. My fucking brother didn't even tell me he didn't bother to show up...I got a call from my buddy I begged for the interview telling me that my brother basically just blacklisted himself from the industry.

At this point, I went about a year without speaking to my brother. My dad begs me again to help him out, and I finally managed to get him a job with our state government. Basically all he has to do is show up on time(relatively speaking), pass a piss test once a year, and collect his goddamn money.

Much to everyone's shock, my brother has managed to hold this job for five months. Even more shockingly, I heard this week from my folks that shithead is moving out of their place finally...THEY GET THEIR BASEMENT BACK!!! Even better, I can go home for Sunday dinners again (as dorky as it is, I had a great relationship with my folks but I haven't been home in years cause of this bullshit).

All was great until this morning when I walk out my screen door to enjoy a smoke and some coffee only to see my dad's truck (my brother has a piece of shit honda that he "suped" up so bad ass that its in pieces in my parent's drive way), turns out my fucking waste of space brother has move into the apartment right next to me. Why in hell would he want to live in a fucking college town is beyond me...but then again, with his fucking credit...

Jesus, sorry about the length...

Oh ok I'm sorry Figgy, I misunderstood your comment.

My problem right now is that I have no desserts in the house and the kid is in bed so I can't leave. I'm jonesing for some chocolate. C'mon, baby. I suck yo' dick fo' a piece a' cake.

Ms. Savant, I quite literally have a tear in my eye. We shall drink that fucker out of bidness. Oh, and we don't drink beer out of bags, we have specially designed troughs for that.

itsmekate, Blonde Savant is right. Small children don't know that what they do causes pain until they experience it themselves.

Tracer, I got these cheeseburgers man.

So, I've been working on my passing game, so that when the season starts, I won't look like an epileptic muskrat. But no matter what I do, I can't get a nice, tight spiral. Do I put a cone-shaped helmet on the baby's head, or do I use butcher's twine and make sure she's wrapped good and tight?

Diablo: ....it's Saturday.

My problem right now is that I'm halfway nto a btottle of wine and watchiing the soccer game for world cup qualifiers between honduras and trinnidad and tobago (fuckers) and we're winning 2-0 and it's halftime and these fuckers better win cos I don't want to have wasted a good bottle of wine.

so there.

esme, as a very religious guy who intends to maintain his virginity until he's married, I feel pretty safe saying that if the guy is in a committed relationship and is repeatedly flirting with you, he might not actually be that religious or he's completely oblivious to the fact he's sending those signals. Do you know if his girlfriend's really religious as well? You'd be amazed how many guys I've worked with who had the same belief structure as me until the girlfriends left, then banged anything with a hole.

The flirting is uncomfortable to deal with, I'm sure, but I can't think of a way around it. You still want to be his friend? Then you might want to accept his (sarcasm alert) ungodly coveting of other women (end sarcasm) the same way I accept how my friends somehow believe any food item I pay for is up for grabs and steal it from my plate. It's not a deal breaker, but it sure is awkward to try and bring up.

I guess that's my big problem. How do I tell the main perpetrator, "Hey, fatty, put down my chicken wings and get a salad, for your heart's sake," without making her cry again? I've tried only ordering healthy foods when I'm out with her but she'll just pick out the protein, tomatoes, and cucumbers while making fun of my meal and chomping on her cheeseburger. I think I might just be too nice and accommodating, but I can't stand to see her cry over my unbuttered popcorn again.

Tracer, I've taken the liberty of reserving a spot in The Great White Cracker Club for you. Unfortunately the membership fee is $10.00.

Mmmmmmmmmm..... beer.
I have NO problems for now.
Lighten up, Pajiblets!
JP?
If you just came in to be an asshole, there are MUCH better assholes already posting here... can I get a "HELL YEAH" for Guess Whookie?
So, unless you can make us larf with yer Ass-Holiness... just stop, dude.

Go into Burger King. Combo meal costs 4.50. Tell the dude at the counter, "I have no cash, sir, but I am really quite white." See if he doesn't give you 50 cents change.

I'm pretty sure I could get more than fifty cent by adding "Also, I have boobs." to that statement.

Robert--just tell the chick you're too hungry to share your food. If the cheeseburger doesn't fill her up, she can order something else. If her heart explodes, problem's solved.

That'll work. "Listen, I don't have any money but I'll let you motorboat me for 30 seconds."

I may or may not have gotten into a club that way when I was in college...
>_>
>_>

Having shared that info, Savant, we must now marry for one night.

Tracer Bulét I like your new, refined, name.

Hey - I got one! They say there must be fifty ways to leave your lover...got any ideas?

Ours is a fleeting love, Spender.

replica Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Ok, so after you find out that his tweaker ass has been selling drugs out of your house, you pack up all of his shit and put it out on the patio.
Man, that was a good day.

I am unsure whether or not to embark on a relationship with a guy who is friends with my good friend and who I kind of know. I see them on a rare basis, which is unfortunate, but they live somewhere nearby, so it's not hell's way and back to see them, but she wants to hook me up with him. I don't know even if he's in the mood for a relationship and it's very confusing, though I doubt he's totally closeted up. And were I to embark on a relationship, how would we talk without me clearly pining for his attention?
Geez, I sound like a letter to the editor of Seventeen magazine.

Oh god Christmas has come early, the Sooners just lost to fucking bible thumper university. Free cock for all the ladies.

I am seriously bored at work, as anyone can tell by the number of times I post. Add to that the fact that I'm not all that fond of most of my co-workers, and 60-80 hours a week are pretty damned unpleasant. Who do I have to motorboat to get a better job?

Me, Creosote. Me.

Sorry, Mrcreosote, I know how lame that is. My job and coworkers also suck. And I got yelled at for being online too much, so now I can't even go on Pajiba and keep up.

As much as I feel like an ass for complaining about my job when a lot of people don't have one, it has become a soul sucking pit of despair. And that's on a good day. On the plus side though, bagels on Friday.

Fuck, man, you get bagels? I hate my work.

Tracer, you better not let Rev. Vermillion hear you talking like that, trying to blame The Man for all of your troubles.

Whookie, Kamikaze Feminist is a MAN baby!

My problem is that I let my best friend suck me off in the bathroom the other day just to try new things. Well, everything was going fine until I busted in his mouth. He says he'll never do it again, but he does want me to return the favor. Now, I'm not gay or anything so it's kind of crossing the line to go down on him like that. He says he'll either have me blow him or let him fuck me up the ass. I don't know which one to choose. I kind of leaning towards the anal thing, but then I would want him to let me do him up his ass, and the thing is just spinning out of control. What should I do? By the way, I'm not gay.

That's true, but I had an urge to say that.

Monsieur Bulét, I thank you for those kind suggestions.

and also...Ms. Savant, honey, I am checking you OUT, babe!

admin, I think I have already plotted the greyhound fare to Saskratchewan...but I am not sure if I'll enjoy the ride, ya know? It's way tempting. Way!

Oh yes, Who, oh yes. By the way Ms. Savant, I do so hope my intentions read as 'hominahomina' instead of as Canadian Agressiveness.

my problem? my problem is that a guy i've been seeing for three weeks, who wanted me to spend the night several times which resulted in the most mind-blowing sex i've ever had til all wee hours of the morning, who told me he missed me constantly and for the record said i'm 'an amazing woman' just earlier tonight, while cuddling with me in his bed, said 'we need to find you a boyfriend.'

someone explain. NOW.

BYU beat OU TCFKAB, Jesus Christ TCFKAB I feel like I’m at my ophthalmologist’s office taking a fucking eye exam trying to read your goddamn name.

Canadian Aggressiveness? Isn't that an oxymoron?

gp, you need to motorboat admin. And bring me more rum.

gp: indeed. it's easy to see from this side that's all he saw, but i'm just stuck on the constant 'i miss you's and 'when do i get to see you again?' proclamations. like, if we were bonkbuds, sure. no problem. why blur the lines like that though? blah. oh well. live and learn i suppose.

gp

Who do I have to motorboat to get a better job?

Posted by: Mrcreosote at September 5, 2009 10:49 PM

Me, Creosote. Me.

Posted by: admin at September 5, 2009 10:51 PM

Admin,

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

There ya go.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at September 5, 2009 10:53 PM

What now? raised eyebrow

guys (usually) don't get to show much affection for their close guy friends (except me, i greet *everyone* with a blow job), so if he feels close to you, even going as far as to have sex with you (cuz you're totally bangin')... i'm just trying to say, all those sentiments might be coming from a different plane, and the sex and ritual muddies that, for both of you, albeit in different ways.

does that make any sense? i'm kinda high.

*ding*

Ah! The timer just want off for that beer I have in the freezer. Nice, cold Great Lakes Octoberfest.

So, what are we drinking tonight? And in keeping on topic, any problem drinkers among us?

*sets ball on tee*

yes, yes it makes sense. and as he is perpetually high, i suppose it is fitting. oh well. at least i got laid constantly for awhile. twas nice. who wants an astrophysicist for a bf anyway? not this two-bit hoor. *drinks more vodka*

well, I'm hoping a better job, or that was all for nothing, damnit.

betsy read up above somewhere about solving breakups with math.

replica, we don't want yer stinkin' trees. We have South America for that. We will, however, come and get Mantracker. For strategic sheep purposes.

Now gp has begun to openly go after guys, it is very unsettling. This place has over a couple of hours become like the dagobah system, cold and dark. Goodnight!!!

ok, go to bed, skerty cat! i was readin some of what you wrote up there, nasty! now, go on, say something when you wake up.

I'm forced to choose between Batman: Arkham Asylum and talking to my girl on the phone. I should be embarrassed that this is tough decision, right?

Couple of problems:

1.) gp has been cheating on me with other women in my absence and I can't decide to cry about it or move on. Some other gay man surely wants to worship me, no?

2.) Know that i know buc's name is Tater, I'm in agony over whether or not he named his daughter Tot and/or if he is, in fact, Ron White.

3.) I'm looking for a job in Austin, but am worried about making the move with very little cash.

4.) I have no idea what to ask my dad to grill for my birthday. Leaning towards grilled pizzas, but may want something else.

Solutions:

JP my advice is to never mention it to them as they probably have no fucking sense of humor about it and will jump down your throat the minute they get wind of it. I have been scarred.

kayanne, it's not cheating if i still carried you in my heart.

your absence makes me feel like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0wkhRmLQCU&eurl=http%3A%2F%2F1nltui3li1cdki8kde21baj1igs7ekjc%2Eig%2Eig%2Egmodules%2Ecom%2Fgadgets%2Fifr%3Fpid%3Demachines%26url%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Egoogle%2Ecom%2Fig%2Fmodules%2Fyoutub&feature=player_embedded

I need to make a CD that will tell someone how truly disgusted I am with them because I lack the cajones to do it in person.

Song suggestions please.

I've been having a recurring dream from time to time where I am having hot, nasty, wallpaper peeling, eardrum piercing, total body dehydrating sex with my lady friend. The weird part is after I'm done, a bunch of Pajibaites come into the room and break down the game tape from the sexual encounter and make snarky comments.

I guess what I'm trying to say is.....how can I make this happen? I have a list of certain members of our little group that I would be glad to send invitations to but is it poor etiquette to send them a Come See Me Bang Evite? Or should I take the time and money, have formal invitations made up and then have them hand delivered by a coachman? If I want certain people to be there earlier, is that OK? What if I want some to participate? Should I make them bring their own lube and toys? Or should I provide my own? If I do...I'm thinking they should be fresh from the store and wrapped, but some like those things broken in like an old catchers mitt.

I think these are all valid questions and I eagerly await your advice on the subject.

how beautiful you are by the cure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GBS46MeOiA

SaBrina undressed me with her html.

I also have another, worse problem. I can't get a job, I don't have a girl anymore, I can't move somewhere else because this whole stupid fucking town's real estate system has been worthless for 5 years, I just have to slug it out until I graduate. I feel like I'm working in my own casket. Anyone got any advice for that?

Guess Who, you're a big strapping specimen of man, how about you?

I got a solution. Find another website, stupid.

Focus on school, George. That way, your chances of getting a scholarship to a school far far away are that much better.
(This is the same, young ginger George, right? I don't want to assume, and I know there was another one hanging around here.)
My roommate was from Bumfuck Maine, the east coast of Nowhere, and he got a scholarship all the way to Michigan just because he was a little smaht. (See what I did there?)
It could send you other places too, actual interesting ones. But if you go to Central you won't have to worry about the girl thing. I am a wingman of a quality that puts Andy "Boner Champ" Bernard to shame.

Shut it, Whookie, Austin isn't that bad.

But sometimes the food does suck. I'll actually grant you that.

Rascal! How did you guess?

Austin: where we celebrate the nightly rabies migration. Also, the barbecue isn't always terrible, if you like that kind of flavor.

Fishboy, you're getting way too hung up on the idea of a blowjob. Really all you have to do as a straight male is close your eyes and make an O. Suck it up.

Geroge, take really cool classes. Or really intense, time-consuming classes. Either way, the other stuff will seem less relevant. Or, if you don't want to become a hermit, go out into the world and actually find people with whom you can interact. At the risk of sounding like my mother, I'd say take some initiative and get your own life moving. Clearly, you're smart and have a sense of humor (evidence: you're here), so you can probably accomplish more than you think.

37 cents! Are those the ones that hang out on 6th street?

wait.
george is a ginger?

i always imagined him a small latino thug.
but that may just be the new mexico connection.

single straight men who know how to carry on a conversation are non-existent.

you mean, you try to *talk* to men?
in-ter-est-ing.

i just use their rock hard abs to scrub the stains outta my sheets.

also, enough ladies! there's enough gp to go around. *multi-tasks*

Florida...?

You hate a place because it's not Florida? Sheesh, maybe Austin does suck.

it'smekate, may I suggest a solution that doesn't involve biting your charge back and risking getting fired? Kids in care tell their parents everything, usually a spicier version than what happened, so please don't try biting him back.

As the day care center where I worked, practically every class had a biter. When the biter bites other kids, we made a big show of having the bitee tell the biter himself, "STOP THAT! IT HURT ME, and it's WRONG."

However, I made awesome progress with a lil'biter who would try to bite teachers by saying very neutrally, "Oh-Oh! We don't bite each other, we HELP each other." And immediately moving on to something else. The kid enjoyed the big fuss and reaction, I realized. I figured out unless he broke skin if I quickly told him it wasn't okay and then got on without a fuss, the biting wasn't fun for him anymore. He stopped biting.

I'm just afraid if you bite him back you'll be in a pickle with the parents.

Kelly:

Problem#1- the dog pound

Problem#2- again the dog pound, you can also stop letting some goddamn mutt dictate what the fuck goes on in your house.

Larold, "Puke," by Eminem.

How's this for a potential problem:
There is a guy who has shown some definite interest in me of late. Mutual friend of my friends, good guy, I like him well enough to give it a shot if he makes a move on it, but...

He is my Ex-husbands housemate.
Now, we all get along just fine, and he moved to town several years after the Ex and I divorced, but really, how exactly would that work?

He is my Ex-husbands housemate.
Ex and I divorced, but really, how exactly would that work?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 6, 2009 5:01 PM

-------------------------------------------

Tell you what. Take a couple of hours and watch Lifetime, preferably any film with either Bertinelli, Spelling or Amber Thiesen.

Then try and take a guess on how it's gonna work out.

If America were a pussy, Austin would be the place where one would stick the douche.

-Guess Who

I always assumed Wyoming would be where you stick the douche. Since Austin took that, then I suppose that Wyoming would be where you'd get the cervical cancer shot.

Speaking as someone who lives in a town with less than 20,000 people, I can honestly say that my home town is a bustling metropolis compared to anywhere in Wyoming. I dare anyone here to name a place that's worse.

Alright, my problem is I haven't been able to orgasm inside my girlfriend's vagina. While penetrating, I can make her orgasm 3-4 times easily, but I've never gotten off while penetrating her.

While she gives a great blowjob and gets me off that way, is there a way to bring bring male orgasm quicker and easier?

oh right, trying to catch that project runway you missed.

Posted by: gp at September 6, 2009 7:48 PM

--------

I take exception to that insinuation...*shifty eyes*

Don't be ridiculous.
---------------------------------------------

"I can make her orgasm 3-4 times easily, but I've never gotten off while penetrating her....is there a way to bring bring male orgasm quicker and easier?..."

Posted by: Doric at September 6, 2009 8:04 PM

Try a woman that, you know, isn't in your imagination.
Buuuuuut, IF your lady friend is "real," tell her to stick her finger up your butt while you're in there.

You'll come.

i know you only watch to see that slut heidi klum!

but, bravo! on directing Doric's woman to his prostate.
if i had given the same advice, pookie would be up in arms.

Listen Slim if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem. Doric don’t listen to Slim everything is a joke with this guy. The finger thing don’t work because I’ve had a finger or two laid on me back in the day and if anything having a finger in you is very annoying, I couldn’t concentrate for shit. Doric I think you have some issues that deal with trust with your lady friend. You are blocked in your ability to totally let yourself go in front of your lady friend.

Excuse me Rhymes, but please. Let someone that has actually been with a woman offer advice. Masturbating doesn’t have anything to do with Doric’s problem, Doric needs to confront his old lady about her cheating ways that have brought about his trust issues. You can’t fully commit to a broad if she’s out there fucking out of both sides of her pussy.

Meanwhile the annoying fuckers are laughing at us.
So - revenge ideas, anybody?

Posted by: Tarn at September 6, 2009 8:35 PM

----------------------------------------------

How far are you willing to go here?

How comfortable are you with the idea of dismembering and disposing of ah..."remains"? Any woods near your apartment complex?

Who the fuck are you Tarn, the homeowner’s association president? Let those tenants fuck in peace will you, and stop bitching about some fucking broken window in a mothefucking stairwell, what the fuck are you doing snooping around inside some goddamn stairwell anyway? That’s what insurance is for, maybe if you joined the party and stop being a goddamn hall monitor your neighbors wouldn’t act the way they do.

"well, i assumed you were referring to prostate stimulation...."

Posted by: gp at September 6, 2009 8:49 PM

Aaaaaah, of COURSE I was! Just seeing if YOU knew. I always take a prostate whenever I go out with the ladies.

Speaking of beans?

no, walnuts. she's my little walnut, you know.

i just haven't seen her and of course, she hasn't updated her blog since last wednesday, and you know how i worry... i don't want her wandering home in the middle of the night with a 13 inch arrow through her head. or something. out getting pregnant(!)
where. the hell? now i've convinced myself she's out there, right now, fucking up.
anna, if you are reading this, we here at pajiba love you. and we worry. please don't be out there, at some bar, trying to get pregnant or shot in the head. we are HERE. FOR YOU.

Kelly re: the biting puppy

Standard disclaimer: I am not a dog expert. I have, however, both read and been told that if a puppy is biting, one solution is to put your hand around his whole mouth/muzzle, holding it shut. I gather that when mama dog (or wolf) wants puppies to cut something out, she bites their whole muzzle together with her much larger mouth. Especially since your dog is a chihuahua, you should have no problem getting your hand all the way around his mouth.

I have an older dog that I got from a shelter, so he doesn't nip, but I've put my hand around his mouth a few times when he was barking up a storm. It pissed him off but it got the message across.

those are *exactly* the type of fantasies my mind was playing me.

poor, poor AvB.

"I can make her orgasm 3-4 times easily, but I've never gotten off while penetrating her....is there a way to bring bring male orgasm quicker and easier?..."

Posted by: Doric at September 6, 2009 8:04 PM
---
maybe it's a matter of angles. Try doggiestyle for better thrusting.

Otherwise, since you're still stiff while she's melting in the afterglow, she clearly needs to bring along a GF to pick up where she leaves off. I'm suggesting the three-way freeway cure.

You also might be the first guy I've ever heard complain that he needs to squirt faster. You certainly never hear that from Sting.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at September 6, 2009 11:39 PM

==================================================

You've got a point there. We joke around how she's the "man" of the relationship because she comes within minutes.

And believe me, I've been trying the three-way angle ever since we were bumping uglies on a regular basis.

But yeah, I should try to cut down on the masturbating but I've been trying to find the prostate area. Is that directly up the anus or is it around the taint?

Kelly:

Glad if I could help. I am actually a horse trainer, but training any animal relies on a lot of the same principles. Only with horses, they are 1000lbs heavier than you, and good basic manners is only the very beginning. We then ride the poor things and ask them to do difficult things that they really couldn't care less about. Horses, like my grandpa, really only want to eat and poop. all the rest is our egos projected on them.

I H*A*T*E faddy pop-psychology "Natural" (those are the sneeriest of sneer quotes) horse training methods, and my B.S meter is dialed up to 11, so when I recommend Cesar Millan, I truly believe he has something great to offer. And so do other methods as well, I am sure. Millan works with quite a few Chi-wow-wow's on his show, so if you watched some episodes you might get some real insight. Those little buggers seem tricky!
Furry piranhas.
Good Luck!

So, anybody have a non-completely offensive version of 'Please stop being such a self-obsessed cow' that I could send her way?

Nope. No such thing. This cow very obviously does not speak Polite, or even Tactful. You're going to have to speak to her in Direct. And I wouldn't fret about losing a "friendship" which, also obviously, never existed except as a means for her own ends.

Your male friend sounds more worthwhile as a friend. Would you rather lose him and keep her over this nonsense?

"It will make a hellaciously entertaining episode of "Cops"."

I actually saw an episode of "Cops" being filmed here in Portland (OR). We were downtown having a (very tame) bachelorette party and noticed that there was a lot of strange activity all around us. Turns out "Cops" was filming a bust of some dudes who were walking down the sidewalk just ahead of us. Being Portland, the baddies basically just sat down quietly on the sidewalk and waited for the cops to finish their busting, no muss no fuss. I saw the episode later on TV and I think we were on camera for .02 seconds. Woohoo.

You mean like if I told you.
Well, you're just Shit out of...

Why am i still alive? I should be dead

*phew* Hey kids, I'm here! Aw, gp, you're so sweet, being all concerned about me! I'm your little walnut, awwww!

Sadly, the rape van is out of commission. The window tint went on me! I'm not sure if the prescription ran out or if somebody got a fingernail loose at some point and I just never noticed. ANYway, she's in the shop until further notice.

No, I got invited to a "Dick Party" this weekend (I originally thought maybe it was like one of those mystery parties, you know, where you're a PI investigating a suspicious death type of thing, but it... wasn't. The "dicks" were in fact the rubber kind. Imagine my embarrassment, all dressed up in my Sherlock Holmes hat with my pipe and magnifying glass) and after... well, let's just say a really unfortunate vibrator incident, I spent most of Saturday in the hospital adjusting my friend's feeding tubes. Poor Sherry, she'll never be the same again. *tsk* Anyhoo, then I had to finish douching and scrubbing out my insides with the toilet brush, 'cause somebody thought it was a funny idea to replace the lube we were using to ... um, test the merchandise... with hot sauce. Well, let me tell you, it's hilarious in theory, but not so much in practice! Yowch! So that took up most of my weekend. Then yesterday, I joined Netflix, finally (welcome to 1997, right?? Haha), and spent the afternoon resting my cooch and watching Powder Blue on Instant Watch. Wow, what a great movie! You know, I'm not surprised Jessica Biel has a hard time getting roles due to her great beauty, because she is stunning. It's a shame, though, because she is a fine, fine actress. Way better than Elizabeth Berkley. What a great, great film. I'm thinking maybe Drew should do an Underappreciated Gems piece on that one.

But anyhoodles, I'm back! I need to run out for a bit, but here's my problem for youse guys to mull over: I met a boy! He's sweet, and he adores me, and drop-dead gorgeous to boot. I'll call him ... hq. The only thing is, hq's gay. But I'm sure I can change him, if I can just get him drunk enough to make out with me! What's the best way to go about that? I'm think maybe lots of rum and a viewing of Brokeback Mountain, but mostly the sexy parts. Thoughts?

(See, hq... I mean, gp... this is why you need to get on the Facebooks! You'd already have been apprised of all this, because I still update quarter-hourly, even while douching with a toilet brush!)

@Guess Who,

I'm the owner of a flat, and along with the other owners, I have to pay towards the upkeep of the common parts of the block. Including insurance. But the freeholder (if you want to see a prime example of unfairness in property ownership, look up the leasehold system...) who manages the block, is a dick, and refuses to claim on that insurance for what he calls 'small' breakages. He makes me and the other owners pay for them. And since he uses his own building company to do the work, he gouges us over the bill, too.

So basically, these tenants get away with breaking stuff that we have to pay for. All kidding aside, how would you like that?

And just to be clear, *that's* my problem.

hq? i couldn't have been fo?
ok, so fo sounds like the age i turned after i was "tree".

i actually have a facebook account but i can't recall my password, because i logged on it maybe twice.

and you take back what you said about jesse spano! nomi malone 4eva!

Ah yes, thanks gp. Either way, it was strange image. And I suppose that it does take a lot of trust to let a woman stick her finger up your butt. Applause, then, to BSlim.

AvB,

"When you join that team it's not a whim. They like their team. They're set with that team. Yeah, we DO have a good team, but they're only comfortable with 'their' equipment."

Lindsey I totally agree with you about Cesar Milan. I watch his show when ever I can; I know a lot of people don't agree with his methods and I can't say I agree with every single one of them but there's no denying that the man has talent when it comes to difficult dogs. And I've already used some of his methods with my new puppy.

Knowing my luck, my little chihuahua Dexter will turn out to be the serial killer of small dogs and I'll have to get Cesar to come in and fix him.

Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on ___Tallmingle.com___ are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that's what we are looking for in today's world! :-)

gp I didn’t say I didn’t like ass play, I just said that when I’m with a lady and she’s servicing me it breaks my concentrating when she goes and tries to sticks a finger in me. Now if she would have just said honey, can you bend over on the side of the bed so I can stick my finger in you, then I would have obliged her.

As tall as I am, buc (who am I considering shunning since he never answered my tot question), I don't think entertaining myself on "Tall Mingle" would be work appropriate.

Good morning, peoples.

So I have a question about dogs, and maybe someone can help me out.

I have 3 dogs, terrier mixes, and while they're pretty obedient most of the time, sometimes they just drive me insane.

See, we have this very loud doorbell and an intercom to let us ask who it is, etc. But sometimes the dogs just start HOWLING like they're going insane when someone rings the doorbell. Just howling and barking and going out of their minds and we can't hear the people answering through the intercom. And they don't shut up for ages. They used to do it just whenever my mom would come home, but nowadays it seems completely random. Sometimes they go insane, sometimes they don't--no pattern at all.

So, what can I do?

*here*

Hmmm....actually, now that I think about it, sometimes they start howling BEFORE anyone rings the doorbell.

I need to find a way to shut them up quickly. Maybe spray them with the hose...

Not where I live...

Figgy, could you speak to a hardware store about getting a different ringer for your doorbell?

Also, you may wanna start cataloging when exactly your dogs go crazy. Terriers have the yappy disposition, but usually it's when provoked. Is someone saying something? Yelling? Stomping? Scraping a chair across the floor? Something is happening that's upsetting the dogs... It might even be their own behavior. Dogs can freak each other out sometimes... Or they could be freaking each other out for dominance.

Otherwise, you're just going to have to be firm with them and very direct in how you say "No." Seriously, let them know who's alpha in the house.

i always go for the out-annoy approach when it comes to dogs. you wanna bite me, i'll bite you back. you wanna bark in my ear, i'll bark louder. you wanna hump my leg, you'd better be on the doggie pill.

gp
Totally agree with you on that one. Everytime a cat or dog bites me I bite them back. Or, I just stand over them and growl until they run away.

I also do this with small children.

OK, now I REALLY have something bothering me.
I had been blissfully unaware (hiding from the stupidity of the news cycle) of the "Raging Debate" over whether the President of the MOTHERFUCKING UNITED STATES OF AMERICA should be allowed to publicly address the nations school children.

WHAT!?! That is completely absurd!

A few years ago here in Portland, we had some semi-retarded criminals who called themselves the Portland Trailblazers. As part of their community service after their multiple convictions, some of them spoke at local high schools in assembly's.
Required assembly's.
Children were FORCED to listen to their semi-coherent ramblings on staying in school (which they themselves probably didn't) and not doing drugs, (which they most certainly did, hence the community service) and I don't think parents had to give permission or were even notified. And yet,now there is some question as to whether it is safe or appropriate to allow the GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED SATES to publicly address kids? WTF?

Let me guess, the same people clutching their pearls and hand wringing over this want their religion taught and force fed to every public school attendee in the US, but heaven forbid the Executive in Chief corrupts their fragile little minds.

I am not a Democrat, and I didn't support Obama, (wasn't wild about he other guy either) but Jesus in a Sequined Jumpsuit, the President of the USA deserves a little respect, if not for the man himself, at least for the office. Can you imagine if this had been a plot point on West Wing? Jed Bartlet would have CUT A BITCH!

OK, rant over. I feel better now. Back to watching Season 1 of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' on Hulu. I am trying to see what all of the fuss was about that show. It is growing on me.

Lindsey,
there's been some good postin' and discussion about that exact subject over at Deus Ex Malcontent. I just came from reading that. I'm not even American, but this fuckery's making my blood boil.

Re: Buffy. It took a few eps to grow on me back in the day, now I love it. And wait til you meet Spike! (season 2).

I have some friends who actually named their firstborn son Xander, after the Buffy character. Alexander on his birth certificate, but Xander to the world.

Lindsey with an 'e', I just did the same thing with Buffy! I'm almost done with season 7. I'd say that 2-4 are the best of the series. I think Hulu only has 1-3, so I've been Netflixing the rest.
For further entertainment purposes, I humbly suggest reading the recaps on Television Without Pity. I suck at html doodads, but here is the address for the Buffy recaps:
http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/buffy-the-vampire-slayer/recaps.php
A lot of the time, the recaps had me busting up harder than the episode did, but they can be a little spoiler-y, if you care about that sort of thing.

Oh my god you guys. I was flipping channels, and The Dog Whisperer is on right now. I, as others, am compelled to watch it. This woman on it right now has some of the most horrifying plastic surgery I've ever seen. And I've been to Palm Springs! Seriously, she is giving the cat lady a run for her money.

Lindsey you are blessed with wisdom and understanding, I wish there were more people like you in this world. From this moment on Lindsey I will never say a bad thing to you or about you. You have a lifetime pass.

Wow, thanks. Unless that was sarcasm, it's just so hard to tell these days...

Anyway, you sir are scholar and a gentleman. If ever we knock boots, I promise not to stick my finger up your ass, unless you ask me to.
And I totally will.

Kayanne,
I totally agree, but careful with the martyr talk. Obama was already held up to be a messiah in the elections, his life story follows most of Joseph Campbell's formula for The Journey of the Hero:
http://www.mcli.dist.maricopa.edu/smc/journey/ref/summary.html

That story doesn't always end well. See Jesus, Oedipus, Hercules, Aniken Skywalker etc...

Luke too. Aniken really has a rough time though. His fall was greater. Campbell collaborated with Lucas on the whole story, so most of the main characters probably fit the archetype.

I'm not worried. The 'undesirable alternative' ploy works pretty well, ask G.W.B.
:-}
Who also got crap for some things that were not his fault, and not enough crap for some things that were. It probably goes with the territory.

don't forget that old peanut farmer!

Also, TCFKAB,
This has been a fantastic weekend diversion. Thanks for setting it up! I work during the week away from the computer during the day, and am on the west cost, so I can't usually play with the cool kids due to the time difference. I love this site and have a ball in the comments.
Now, if only I had real friends....

Ha, thanks Spender. But that's what scares me a little. Anybody in PDX who wants to be real life friends?

Here is my story: I am a millionaire.Other women love me because of my money.But she is different...I meet my sweetheart on~~~~~~M y W e a l t h y L o v e~~~~~~ and we will be married soon. Just want you to know?Sign up for free now !!!

don't forget that old peanut farmer!

Posted by: gp at September 7, 2009 11:38 PM
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I've been trying to for nearly 30 years. Problem with Jimma is, I don't think he's stupid, not at all. I think he's a hell of a guy and I wish he lived next door. I'm sure if I needed a new roof on my house he'd show up with a hammer and a ladder, and he'd tell some great stories and maybe even drink a beer or two. He's certainly one of our best ex-presidents.

As a president, though, he was awful. Worst president of my lifetime (with Bush II possibly second, but the jury's still out on that, we'll see how Iraq turns out). And for anyone who wants to argue that point, consider: The GOP (in the person of Ford, there's another Republican president who was portrayed as a bumbling doofus, think Chevy Chase's impression on "SNL") had just got run out of the White House on a rail, for Nixon's crimes and Ford's pardon. The Dems should have owned the place for 20 years. Instead, Jimmy was so bad that in four short years he handed the White House to the GOP for the next 12.
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Lindsey with an "e": Thank you so much! I appreciate that.

MM:
I'm going to have to try that hand-muzzling thing with my little guy when he gets barky or bitey. He's 2, but I got him when he was already 1 and I was his 3rd owner. He's a bit behind, I guess.
He's a good boy, but he can get a little out of control when playing and bite a little hard. My biggest problem with him is jumping up on people when they come in the door. I'm on him like white on rice when he's doing it but the guests don't help when they're fawning all over him saying "it's ok" and I'm like, no, it's not. He listens more than he used to, so I guess that's promising.
As far as getting him to listen to commands, I really need to get to work with him on that. I took him to training but I have not been diligent enough to practice at home.
Most dog problems are really human problems, and I'm the first to admit that about myself!