Pajiba

1) NEVER ask a question you that you are not prepared to hear the answer for

2) "They" are generally wrong

3) ALWAYS go by your first mind!

Just a follow up to Jerce: Any apology that uses the word "but" isn't an apology.

"I'm sorry, but..." means the "I'm sorry" just does not count.

Excellent prompt! I'll keep this short.

1. Always choose chocolate milk. Always. In every circumstance. Nothing good ever came from denial.

2. There is never a bad time or place for sex. Healthy and restorative sex. There are, however, bad times for nasty, cruel, dirty sex. Know the difference.

3. When you are entering a hostile meeting, wear tight pants and bring a lollipop. Boys and girls both.

"Cottage cheese never solved anything.
Chocolate can do it all." -Rhoda

-Ralphie

1. Once you hit age 30, the drama has GOT to go. (sadly, it isn't an easy addiction to drop)

2. This is as hot/beautiful/pretty as you will ever be - right this second. Unless you are about to undergo a massive, full time, forever lifestyle change, this is it. Enjoy it for all it's worth.

3. Don't wuss out, because shame is always survivable.

No matter what hard lesson you learned in your life, at some point you will forget it.

1. they are called 'self inflicted wounds' for a reason.
-stop blaming other people for faults/errors of your own making.

2. do what you love.

3. you do NOT have the worst teeth ever.
-i've seen the worst and its waaaay worse than anything you can imagine or smell.

Cutting onions only makes wussies and little girls cry. Did it tonight, for 25 lbs worth of onion rings, typical Saturday dinner rush needs. Throw them in the frig for 30 minutes to chill, and cut away.

1 Anybody that says their sorry, isn't
2 Suicide is not an option that I would choose, but by all means feel free.
3 Never lie to your mom, because they will always know.
4 If she says she loves you, believe it at least for tonight.
5 Most folks don't understand sarcasm.
6 If you have to explain a joke than it won't be funny.

Oh and never, ever, ever bet on a Cleveland sports team to win anything. ever.

This one is not mine; William Burroughs taught it to me, but oh, my dears, it is so true:

"If you are doing business with a religious sonofabitch, get it in writing. His word isn't worth shit, not with the good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal."

What I've Learned

1. People who are bastards will eventually get their comeuppance, even if you're not around to see it.

2. You can jazz up chicken breasts with almost anything in the house AND at the last second.

3. When you're finally in a relationship, someone whom you once lusted after will admit they liked you back.

4. Never underestimate the power of a smile and a firm handshake. I was told after I was hired by a powerful and intimidating boss that I was the only woman who bothered to initiate shaking hands.

5. For women, if you have no fancy top for a party/club, wear a Victoria's Secret camisole with a black sweater or jacket unbuttoned. People will think it's from an expensive boutique.

6. Read at least one newspaper or magazine a day, no matter what it's political views.

7. Don't be afraid to give a genuine compliment. Everyone wants to feel like they're special.

8. Sometimes you should try something different (food, music, dance) just because.

9. Everyone hates to do the dishes.

10. Doormen give the best directions, know the best restaurants, and keep the best secrets.

Say yes. Just... say yes. Nothing interesting ever came from no. Do whatever makes the best story.

oh thanks serendipity, thanks for make mine better...

Passive aggressiveness is always a curse and a gift at the same time, of course it depends at what end of it you are

I can really only pass on the advice that my mother gave to me (and seriously--this is pretty much the only advice I've ever gotten from her).

1)Never eat at a place that has sawdust on the floor.

2)Bullets don't have eyes.

3)There's always an exit through the kitchen.

And also her constant refrain whenever I came to her with any problem: "Root, hog, or die."

And that about sums it up.

Oh, and:

3) I'm even more in love with Joan Jett now.

"There's only one rule I know of, babies- God damn it, you've got to be kind."

Be an individual.

1) People that usually say, "I'm not being mean, it's just that nobody gets my sense of humour", are usually huge douche-canoes.

2) It's always better to go for it than to not even try. Always.

3) Don't spend your free time with people you don't like. It's not worth it. What's that I hear you say?

"Oh, but Aunt Sarah/George at work/insert name here will be so mad at me!"

Fuck 'em. Go spend that time with someone you love. Mastrubate. Read a book. Take a freakin' nap. Don't waste your time on people that have proved they aren't worth it.

Um, so this is what I know:

1. Boys are silly.

2. Boys are dumb.

3. Boys can't see what is right in front of them

4. Boys will hurt you.

Tah-dah! I break this down on my new album, *Fearless*!

I'm reminded of some sayings of my sweet old Granny that I've learned are true:

1. Redheads are boogers in the corn patch.
2. Keep your nose clean.
3. Pretty is as pretty does.

That woman was wise. She also said, "It don't pay to live long enough to get old," but I'm not old enough to know if that's true yet.

She also told me, "Keep your dress tail down," and I'm not convinced of that one.

what I've learned #1
I've learned i should have learned to love Girls when i was kid so i could be like that nine year old who wrote a book about how to get a girlfriend.
instead i took The Little Rascals way too seriously and was a member of the He Man Woman Haters club.
i now realize my mistake Women are the best creations God ever made and i should treat them as such.
what I've learned number #2 i should have prayed for a sister because all i had growing up was 2 brothers threatening to beat me up and kill me like Cain and Able while i was growing up.

"You are a Lego brick. Deal with it."

I figured this out after re-reading Wanted. I always had a problem with the conceit that Wesley was somehow "free" because he didn't have to work a nine-to-five. Then it clicked: his freedom was bullshit. Supposedly, he was now able to make his own mark on the world, his own decisions. And yet, he still ends up basically a carbon copy of his father. And the only reason he even knew about this was because his father manipulated him in a revenge scheme. The film has a similar problem (so shut up about the damn Loom of Fate).

My point is: you are who you are. You fit in where you fit in. You may think you can change yourself, your decisions, your circumstances. You may think you are a independent spirit that no one could control. But that is bullshit. You fill a space. Like a Lego brick, you are part of a whole. Sometimes, that whole is taken apart, and you get to be part of a new whole. But you are still there, a piece of a whole.

More importantly, you are not alone. You have other bricks that depend on you and that you depend on, whether you know it or not. And the thing is, nobody wants to be alone. It is in our very being; humans are social creatures. We need community. We need structure. It is a biological imperative.

So stop acting like you stand alone from the rest of humanity, or that people are sheep (except for you), or whatever nonsense you come up with to justify being an asshole.

You are a Lego Brick. Just like everyone else. Deal with it.

good one Vermilion

@lainiefig:

1. Redheads are boogers in the corn patch.

Please explain this to me. I am insane with curiosity (and apparently stupidity).

0 - Remember about the sunscreen. (Note 1)

1 - One of the most restoring things you can do for yourself when your life is in the crapper is help someone else.

1a - Even when your life is in the crapper, you probably can. (Do something for someone else, that is.)

2 - Take the good people where / when you find them. Don't miss out because you don't happen to have planned right now on a friend, mentor, sponsor, little-brother / sister / panda, inspiration, goad, lover, shrink, diversion, partner in crime, or close encounter. When they show up, take them, right then, and take them hard.

2a - Same goes for things that happen along. (Although don't take them so hard as to cause them to deflate. People are more robust. So are pandas - er - I've heard.)

3 - People have reserves of courage, strength, energy and adaptability that will astonish you. They do less because they aren't asked to do more, or don't ask more of themselves.

3a - So ask. Everybody is a hero, if only they had the chance.

3b - Even you. It's the scariest thing in the world to own your own power.

4 - Every time you ask someone else to take care of your problems, you are diminished.

4a - Asking for help in handling them yourself is completely different.

5 - There is a time & place for being a total rat-bastard. There are sociopaths in the world. They don't all dismember children & cackle alone in the dark. When someone-or-thing comes for you or yours well, game on. Whatever it takes. Revel in your time.

5a - It's all right to go there when you have to. Just don't get addicted to it.

6 - It ain't how long you live, it's how much life you pack into your time.

6a - Same goes for money you gather, toys you play with, company you keep on this long strange trip, or pandas.

7 - Serendipity? More than a character played by Salma Hayek.

7a - Karma's real, too.

And get all your philosophy of life from B movie speeches.

(Note 1 - http://www.bondon.com/sunscreen_song.html)

1. talking about your feelings is overrated; like really overrated.

2. whoever said violence never solves anything wasn't very good at it.

3. angst is a luxury that comes with wealth and comfort.

1. Kindness trumps every other virtue; it's better to be kind than it is to be anything else.
2. There comes an age when a woman is too old to fall asleep with her makeup on and that age is 30
3. I'm stealing from upthread a bit: "they" are generally wrong (thanks blacksred)

regarding lainie fig's "Redheads are boogers in the corn patch", I could do with some elucidation, being of the ginger community myself.

Is it good or bad to be a booger in a corn patch, and how does this differ from being a booger elsewhere?

What Optimus said

1. I always hear people say, "There are persons I don't like, but I love people." I think that's bullshit. Personally, it's only after I get to know an individual that I will like someone. I don't know the majority of you 6 billion+, and what I've seen of you doesn't exactly entice me.

2. More that stupid people, I REALLY hate people who have intelligence & common sense and choose not to use either.

3. Don't do something with the intention of getting attention or praise; do it because it's the right thing to do. If nobody acknowledges it, so what?

4. Children do not give a damn how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, or plaques on the wall. Play with them, talk to them, listen to them and be their rock. You'll find you learn just as much from them as they do from you.

5. What is the point of being an adult if you cannot enjoy childish things from time to time? Watch cartoons, eat Cocoa Puffs and sing your ass off with the radio when stuck in traffic.

6. Masturbate. Seriously. I'm not saying go wank off in public but there's no point walking around frustrated all the time either. You'll be better for it. And if you work for the postal service- beat it like a rented mule after work, 'coz some of you guys could REALLY use it.

7. Question everything. Always and without apology. History doesn't remember the quiet sheep.

8. Eccentricity is really just the ability to say "Fuck it!" and enjoy yourself without worry of what anyone else thinks of it.

9. Never cheap out on toilet paper. Bargain TP can really put a crimp in your day. If it doesn't feel like you're humping a cloud, it's not good enough.

10. I hate scented candles. They never smell like what they say they do. Until the day Yankee Candle makes a "Bacon" scented housewarmer I want nothing more to do with the 'em.

10. I say summits should be run more like family disagreements. I believe peace conferences would accomplish more if we banish the leaders into a kitchen and not let them out until they work together and make a decent meal. Either they would learn to cooperate and create something they could be proud of, or they will have killed each other with the utensils. Either way more would get done.

Don't eat where truckers do.

Packing to travel is always hard than packing to go home because all the crap you need is camouflaged by the crap you don't need.

No one is a slave their factory settings.

Do something different every day and see if you like it.

To go with the people who say "I'm sorry if..." or "I'm sorry but...", I also find that people who say "No offense but..." or "not to be rude, but..." are about to say something rude and offensive and somehow they think that saying they don't mean it to be so makes it acceptable.

The biggest thing I think I've found is that it pays not to stress out over the little things. Really, at the end of the day most of the things I bitch and complain about really just don't matter all that much so I try to enter everything with a sense of humor.

There are always two sides to a story

Some people are just jerks, there's not much you can do to change that, best just to avoid those people whenever possible.

Sarcasm makes everything better. So does alcohol.

Not that many people follow this, so game theory suggests it to be a losing proposition, but: Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle

humans are not rational animals. most animals are more rational than humans.

It was once said that an infinite number of monkeys typing would eventually come up with Shakespeare. The internet has proven this statement to be false.

1. Give freely with no expectation of receiving anything in return. That way, you won't give more than you're comfortable with and you'll never be disappointed if it isn't reciprocated.

2. Expect nothing of people and you won't be disappointed. If you're lucky, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

3. People don't change. No amount of love, guilt or giving will change mean-spiritedness, selfishness or immaturity. Accept them as they are or move on.

4. Value yourself as much as you want to be valued by others. If you aren't willing to recognize your worth, no one else will.

5. This too, shall pass.

6. For the girls: A little black dress, red lipstick and red shoes will flatter just about everyone and look good just about everywhere.

I've been drinking, so I apologize for any incoherence or sloppy sentence structure in the following:

1. You have more than one little voice in your head. One is your instinct, another your intuition, another your ego, another the ghost of toxic people from your past/present, and another your wishful thinking. Learn to tell them apart.

2. When in doubt about anything in your life, pay very close attention to the first two. They will almost never steer you wrong.

3. If you're attracted to someone but it doesn't work out, don't sweat it. Sometimes you're not attracted to that person because you belong together, but because that person may change/influence your life in some other way. In which case, your subconcious is just trying to get your attention. So pay attention to them. But don't pine any longer than you can help it if it's not meant to be.

4. Say they DO like you back, but you have a lingering concern. For example, you don't feel like you can talk very openly with them, or their sense of humor is petty/mean/etc, or you don't feel like yourself at your best in their company, etc. 99.9% of the time, these issues will not get better as the relationship progresses.

5. Own your insecurities. Then they can't own you.

6. Don Miguel Ruiz's 4 Agreements? I don't care if it's New Agey, it's damn good advice. Never assume; don't take things too personally; be impeccable with your word; always do your best.

7. If anyone tries to disempower you through insults, passive-aggression, gossip, etc, remember their actions speak a lot more against them than they do against you.

8. You will find yourself in many sink or swim situations in life, so become a strong swimmer. Learn how to make the best of anything, and how to say, "is that the best you got?!" with a smile when the bastards try to grind you down. Be like Fiona Apple, "An Extraordinary Machine," who can make the best of whatever others throw at them. There's no controlling what life will offer you, good or bad. The only thing you can control is how you'll respond.

1. Fame is a vapor, popularity is an accident, and money takes wings. The only thing that endures is character. (see whose quote this was at the end, it will blow your mind)

2. For every male or female supermodel who you would crawl across a mile of hot burning sand just to have them smile in your direction, there's someone who is tired of their bullshit and doesn't want to fuck them anymore. Looks fade....personality will win in the end.

3. Why hate someone for the color of their skin or their religious beliefs when if you spend five minutes with them, you'll find plenty of other reasons to hate them. Racism isn't born, it's taught. My friends have a two year old son, you know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

4. As you get older, your circle of true friends shrinks exponentially. When you are in college, you think you have 30 best friends, but by the time you are 40, you may only have enough to count on one hand. But that's enough in most cases.

5. No one ever says on their deathbed "I should have worked more".

The person who gave the quote in #1 was Orenthal James Simpson back in 1976. Because when I think character......

1. The best way to identify your true friends is to move far away. The ones that stay in touch are and go out of their way to do so are actual friends.

2. Any person that always finds a way to turn the conversation around to talking about himself is a douche and not worth the time.

3. It is fine and necessary to end friendships.

4. Who you are is not defined by your job. Everything I do outside of work makes me a hell of a lot more interesting.

I'm far, far too young to have learned any of the best life lessons, at least first hand. But I've enjoyed this thread too much not to chip in.

1. The good ones are always taken. Go for them anyway.

2. If someone is mad enough at you to be yelling, just listen. If you listen long enough, they'll stop yelling. And then you can find out what they are really trying to say.

-

Also, a note on Karma. Sorry BierceAmbrose, I struggle to believe in it, slightly too intangible for my taste.. I do, however, believe in some logic behind it. I think that if you do good things to good people, odds are pretty high something good will come your way as a result. Conversely, if you do bad things to bad people, well guess what. I can't say for sure that it will. But hey, odds are.

MM and idleprimate:
Hmm, guess that statement about redheads in the corn patch might seem a little confusing.

Granny said it to me after seeing me running through the corn patch with the next door neighbor (who was redheaded). I see it as a specific statement which could be broadened to "boys are trouble when they corner you in a secluded place." That doesn't sound as fun and innocent as "redheads are boogers in the corn patch," though.

1. Always apologize immediately and sincerely.

2. Every person deserves kindness and respect.

3. Never sell your home to an attorney.

4. Nothing good happens after 10:00.
(That one is from my dad.)

1. Don't get married on Valentine's Day (I'm a domestic abuse/divorce lawyer. Trust me on this one.)

2. Men are men. Be they straight, gay, or "bisexual," they will always lie, always think with their dicks, and always break your heart. You should try to remember that going in to mitigate the magnitude of the heartbreak.

3. Even given the truth of #2, don't give up on love. If fucking Heidi and Spencer can find it with each other, then there must be an exception to #2 out there waiting for us all.

4. Just because they were your friend as a child or as a young adult, doesn't mean they need to be your friend now.

5. And always, always wipe front to back.

"Granny said it to me after seeing me running through the corn patch with the next door neighbor (who was redheaded). I see it as a specific statement which could be broadened to "boys are trouble when they corner you in a secluded place." That doesn't sound as fun and innocent as "redheads are boogers in the corn patch," though."
--lainiefig

hmmm, I tired to see this as a lothario complement/slur, but gosh dang it, it still seems to be libel against those of us who sport a gorgeous shock of carrot-hued locks.

Just the same, i am inclined to lean in the direction of trusting advice that comes from grammas

The most practical advice i ever received, in stark contrast to what the entire therapeutic/mental health community offered was:

"Suck it up Buttercup."

Jeez a guy trying not to be a cheating abusive bastard here.
i am working on a relationship so i don't cheat on a girlfriend or wife.
any way here's a great one don't be to quick to pull the plug on your grandparents always listen to the old Folks and professionals they have experience you don't.

Oh, and PS re: Redheads in the cornfield:

I guess if you extrapolate that to some broader meaning about naughty boys, it's useful. However, how often do most of us find ourselves in a cornfield? With a redhead? Wait a minute - unless this has something to do with Children of the Corn. In which case I like it.

Anyway, I got off track. My mom occasionally says (usually apropos of nothing, or when we're trying to catch the cat for a trip to the vet), "Run to the roundhouse, Nellie, they'll never corner you there!" I have no idea where it's from, but I think it's the same idea.

I've loved reading these pieces of nuggets.

Moi;
1. Stand up for yourself at all times. You'll think much better of yourself when you do.

2. Enjoy your food!

3. You dont have to be friends with everyone and not everyone who meets you has to like you.

Jean...I just came to the comclusion recently that everyone doesn't have to like me. It was a big revelation. Being the middle child, I am always the people pleaser.

My friend has a friend who doesn't like me. Not that she ever came out and said so..But I can feel it. I kept trying to figure out what I did and how can I make her like me. Then I decided "Fuck her." If she doesn't like me than she is a social retard because I am a great person and she is stuck in the mid 1970's. I am pleasant when I see her, but I don't engage. It was a blessing to be rid of it.

Oh, also,4:
I've learned of the existence of people like Gaga and Kesha and I have learned that my already bottomless well of vitriolic hatred for their kind (ugly, talentless shriekbitches who's entire shtick is either costumes or bullshit stories about their fictional rebellion and bad behaviour) can actually get deeper. And does every time i see their stupid ugly faces.

5: I learned yesterday when some breeder with an ugly toddler nearly ran me down with her pram and then had the gall to tell me to get out of the way, that I will loudly threaten to kill her, her ugly husband, and her fucking baby if she doesnt WATCH HERSELF.

Once again, i already knew that but I SERIOUSLY WANT TO FUCKING MURDER THAT ENTIRE FAMILY

When people show you who they are, BELIEVE them The first time.
-Maya Angelou

"Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"!
Vizzini

These are great! Mine don't have any unifying theme, but I'll throw in anyway.

5) A life lived in fear is a life half lived (thanks, Strictly Ballroom!).

1. This, too, shall pass. This applies to everything.

2. No one, on their deathbed, ever regretted not working more. The job will never, ever love you back. Live your life.

3. Liking and respecting yourself is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships.

I don't know much yet but these are the few things I've learned:

Good diet and regular exercise have more of an impact on your life than you can imagine.

You'll get hit on when you're dressed down a lot more often than when you're dressed up.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Life is easier when you're laughing.

Judge the action, not the person.

Don't bother disliking people for being stupid. Dislike people for being mean.

'This too shall pass' is probably the best piece of advice at any given time.

1. This too shall pass.
2. There is always, always someone who is worse off than you.
3. Feel your feelings. Good ones and bad. With the bad ones, actually feeling them (as opposed to eating/drinking/smoking/shopping them away) is the only way that you can properly deal with them.
4. Be careful when you listen to other people's well-meaning 'advice', and feel free to ignore it.
5. Don't ignore good advice just because you don't like the source. And don't ignore good advice just to spite someone - it will hurt you the most and is just not worth it.
6. Surround yourself with people who you love and who love you, who are positive and supportive, who challenge you when you need it, who won't accept your bullshit and who will tell you the truth if you ask them too.
7. It is ok to end a friendship that you have outgrown, or that is toxic to you. Just be a grown up about it and move on with as little fuss and hurt as possible.
8. No matter how far away you seem from your goal, if you are prepared to work hard and sacrifice certain things, then you can achieve it. And don't listen to people who would tell you that you can't.
9. Suck it up, Princess. (This is a refrain I have used constantly over the past year. I also like the Buttercup formulation expounded above).
10. Cultivate within yourself respect (for others and for yourself), empathy and resilience. Then, you can get through anything.

You all are reminding me of a story:

A great king, shortly after the birth of his first son, called all the learned minds of his kingdom together and said: "I want all the knowledge in the world put together in a book, so that I can teach my son everything there is to know." The learned men went away and came back a year later, loaded down with one hundred books. They presented them to the king, saying "Great King, here is all the information in the known world for you and your son." The king saw the books and replied, "There are too many books there to read, condense them down." They left and came back 6 months later with five books, saying "Oh great king, we've given you all the knowledge of the world in just five short books." The king looked at them and asked, "Can't you condense them further? I am a busy man, give me all the knowledge in the world in as short a form as possible." The learned men left and came back a week later with a sheet of paper with one sentence on it. They said, "Oh great king, here is what all the information in the world will teach you." The sentence read: This too shall pass.

Wow, as per usual you Pajibans are both deep and hilarious.
Here's my 3:
1) Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people and there's nothing to be done about it.
2) Money and brains seldom accompany each other.
3) Things are either funny, or maddening, it's up to you to decide.

1) There is no end of dumb-fuckery, idiot fucks, half-witted fucks, and dipshits in the world.

2) This means you. Okay, me too.

3) The word "fuck," is very handy.

Hey, Awesome! Amethyst Anne De-lurked and playin' the game.

Things I have recently learned:

My Cat Basil is too stupid to learn to leave the bullies alone, despite multiple ass kickings, some involving stitches.

My Cat Basil has the strength to lift my roommate almost off the ground whlist attempting to hold him down a few minutes ago to treat the multiple lacerations and punctures he just came in with.

My Cat Basil can mimic a fire engine to a 'T', and sustain impressive volume for a very long time.

Once you get a job, get a savings account. Even if you don't think you can afford it. A spare $500 has saved my ass many a time.

Maintain good credit. It will save you thousands of dollars over the course of your life.

If you are too deep to save yourself, declare bankruptcy. Best decision I ever made. Swallow your pride, it can be a lifesaver when there is no other option.

Work to live, don't live to work.

Being kind is not a weakness.

Tip well.

It can always get worse.

Heartbreak really does physically hurt.

There is no "one" out there for each of us. Just different people with varying degrees of compatibility.

Parenting is the hardest job you will ever have. And added to that, cribbed from Battlestar Galactica; "Being a father sucks, except when it doesn't."

Stand up for yourself! People will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.

When a man says to you "I'm not looking for a relationship right now," he may or may not be telling the truth about that, but what he's really saying is "I am not now, nor am I ever likely to be, looking for a relationship with YOU." Sorry. (Learned that one the hard way.)

Never put onions down the garbage disposal or peanut butter in the fridge.

"Heartbreak really does physically hurt."
Tyler DFC

No fucking lie.

Late to the party, but what the hell, right?

- Change is possible. Never believe it isn't. However, changing for someone else does not happen and will not stick. The only way one can make a true change is to do it for themselves, because only then will the damn thing go past the surface.

- You can handle more than you think you can.