moneypit.jpg
Candlesticks?!

A Weekend Comment Diversion / Tater Barley Banks

Comment Diversions | November 14, 2009 | Comments (95)

If, like Tater here, you were joyed and whelmed to learn that our own lucious, marvelous, Mastress of the Eloquents figgy will be leaving the banana republic madness of her homeland behind and joining many of us ‘Jibs as ‘Murkins and some of us in the bonds of holy matrimony — in other words, that things are about to get infinitely worse, but I guess some people will do anything to get Obamacare, including move to Texas — your second thought was:

What the hell am I gonna get a fellow ‘Jib for a wedding present?

In such a situation, of course, it’s always helpful to turn to the experts:

LARRY: Excuse me, what the heck is going on out here?

CRASH: Well, Nuke is scared because his eye lids are jammed and his old man is here, we need a live roo … was it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off of Jose’s glove and no one seems to know what to get figgy and Mr. figgy for their wedding present. Is that about right? We are dealing with a lot of heavy stuff out here.

LARRY: OK, well a candlestick always make a nice gift, and a maybe find out where she is registered … maybe a place setting or a silverware pattern is good. Okay, let’s get two, Here we go!

Ehhh, I dunno … candlesticks don’t seem very ‘Jibly.

How about, instead, if I/you/we pick one object — any object — from a movie to bestow upon the happy or at least not murderously enraged couple?

(Don’t worry, go agead, talk about this all you like, you won’t be spoiling any surprises, figgy has already stated that she doesn’t read the weekend diversions *sticks out tongue goes pllllllltttttt* and anyway, she’ll be too busy accumulating enough goats and camels and live roosters for a dowry to have time to wander in here.)

Me, I’ma give them a house — the house from The Money Pit.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, just kidding! That wouldn’t be nice! Really, if they’re gonna be Texans they’ll need heavy weaponry, so my present is Dirty Harry’s .44 Magnum, and my wishes that they always feel (and get) lucky!

Yours?

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

TATER BARLEY BANKS is not to be trusted. He probably makes up everything he writes about himself, especially the stuff about living in West Virginia. Don’t be fooled. In truth, he lives in Pajibaland, where he speaks gibberish as , (TCFKAB), spends his time sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent, and is developing a 25-letter alphabet, now that his key doesn’t work. He has no blog, no FaceBook page and no MySpace page, so don’t try to find him.


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Comments

Since we're talking about Texas, I'd say the puzzle box from Hellraiser...in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving. Y'all might turn that state around with it.

Posted by: ALR at November 14, 2009 3:25 PM

Presents!? She's gonna take our jerrrbbbs!

Posted by: branded at November 14, 2009 3:31 PM

The Delorean. Just in case you need to reverse your wedding and/or your move to this God-forsaken land.

But hey, if not, congrats! And welcome to the Stars and Stripes.

Posted by: Mick J at November 14, 2009 3:33 PM

yup she's GON' take our jerrbs

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 14, 2009 3:36 PM

There's nothing for me here.

Posted by: Fappy McFapperson at November 14, 2009 3:58 PM

A substantial gift certificate to an adult sensual products retailer. Trust me, it will make the years pass more quickly.

Oh, and George Foreman grill. Those things are really handy.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 14, 2009 4:03 PM

The Complete Works of Joss Whedon. She'll LOVE it.

Posted by: jM at November 14, 2009 4:05 PM

Whiskey. A nice fruit basket. A beer-of-the-month subscription. A breadmaker. Pants. A trashbag filled with live eels.

Posted by: TK at November 14, 2009 4:09 PM

The trash bag filled with live eels is more useful than a breadmaker.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 14, 2009 4:10 PM

Ohh, how about the squirrel-fish taxidermy thing from that Regretsy site? She really seemed to dig that.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 14, 2009 4:12 PM

Or, since she is going to be Uhmerican now:

http://www.mysecretlingeriestore.com/2003Bra.html

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 14, 2009 4:15 PM

the bunny from con-air

also, dey toK er jahbs!

Posted by: gp at November 14, 2009 4:17 PM

Two Dollars

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 14, 2009 4:22 PM

The severed head of Bono.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at November 14, 2009 4:48 PM

t00k'r jahbs!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 14, 2009 4:50 PM

A box of figs?

Or do they come in bags?

As for a movie-themed gift, how about that rack of weaponry Michelle Yeoh kept running to when battling Zhang Ziyi in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? I mean, she's gonna need something to protect herself with in big ol' Texas, right? Right?

Posted by: malikvlc at November 14, 2009 4:54 PM

TOO-KOURDERB!

Posted by: Goldie at November 14, 2009 5:04 PM

It's TIK'R-JEAAHBS. Don't argue with me; I'm in Texas raht now.

Wedding gift, wedding gift...The contents of the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.

Congratulations to figgy and her spouse-to-be!

Posted by: Jerce at November 14, 2009 5:11 PM

One can never go wrong by giving the ZF-1. The Figs will, after all, need something to fend off the rednecks running at them and screaming, "She terk er jerbs!!"

Just remember, a real fig-warrior will immediately ask about the little red button on the bottom of the gun.

Posted by: stardust at November 14, 2009 5:15 PM

I'm going in on the eels with TK.

Posted by: Smokin at November 14, 2009 5:35 PM

JARHBBS!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 14, 2009 5:49 PM

I give the luggage from Joe vs. the Volcano. It will see you through anything.

Posted by: greg at November 14, 2009 6:11 PM

Mail order frozen turduckin. Tasty and conveniently packaged. Just in time for Thanksgiving.

Posted by: logar at November 14, 2009 6:20 PM

The map from Time Bandits.

Posted by: lizzie (greeneyed fem) at November 14, 2009 6:24 PM

Since fig and mrs. fig are going to have to defend themselves from the "dey tuk orrr JERRBS!" crowd, I give them Walker, Texas Ranger: The Complete Series for them to learn how to kick redneck ass the good old' red, white and blue way.

Posted by: Fredo at November 14, 2009 6:29 PM

Airline tickets.
Well, yeah, but to wh-
DOESN'T MATTER.

Christopher Lloyd (big eyes)
Get OUT! GET OUTTA THERE!

Posted by: laredo at November 14, 2009 6:32 PM

A gremlin. There are a few rules however...

Posted by: mrcreosote at November 14, 2009 6:41 PM

A nice camera. Texas has some of the most beautiful country and skylines you'll ever see.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at November 14, 2009 7:11 PM

A gun, to celebrate her entrance into American society.

Posted by: George at November 14, 2009 7:26 PM

A well cushioned bunk.

The case from Pulp Fiction.

A Hanzo sword.

A joy ride in the MurderTank, that comes complete with a mission of their choice.

Posted by: richmac at November 14, 2009 7:31 PM

A bear-of-the-month-club subscription. (Which is what I first read TK's gift as.) Make you popular with the neighbors!

Posted by: Lola at November 14, 2009 7:52 PM

The Wagon Queen Family Truckster, from National Lampoon's Vacation.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at November 14, 2009 8:04 PM

Bub from Day of the Dead, because who wouldn't want a zombie pet?

Posted by: DeistBrawler at November 14, 2009 8:10 PM

I'm going to give her a towel. One should never be without one's towel. They're very useful, you know.

Lindsey + 'e', I love that your gift is the "Elegant Moments" bra & panty set. Because nothing says elegant like wrapping the stars & stripes around your naughty bits.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at November 14, 2009 8:16 PM

Turduckin gives you major farts, just ask Cameron Diaz...or was that Tofurkey???

Posted by: Claire at November 14, 2009 8:18 PM

Also, I would love to receive a "bear-of-the-month club" subscription. Can somebody please get on that. Thank you.

(disclaimer: I am neither getting married nor moving. However, my birthday is coming up relatively soon.)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at November 14, 2009 8:19 PM

A dvd copy of Bliss, starring Terence Stamp as a sex guru.

It's a movie website, after all.

Posted by: Kissing Girls Makes You Sleepy at November 14, 2009 8:22 PM

Best diversion ever.

By the way, I accept visa, mastercard or weed.

Posted by: figgy at November 14, 2009 9:22 PM

And after reading the comments, I'm scared.

I'm so gonna take BSlims jaerb.

Posted by: figgy at November 14, 2009 9:24 PM

The severed head of Bono.

Jeremy, will you be my Gay of Honor?

.....Eels? TK is uninvited

Posted by: figgy at November 14, 2009 9:28 PM

One Timex digital watch, broken.

One unused prophylactic.

One soiled.

One black suit jacket, one pair black suit pants.

One hat, black.

One pair of sunglasses.

$23.07. Sign here.

Posted by: D-Day at November 14, 2009 9:33 PM

Well, it's not from a movie, but rather a TV show. I'm giving her a TARDIS so she and her new mister can travel in style.

Now if I can just hitch a ride to Captain Jack's place?

Posted by: Cindy at November 14, 2009 10:07 PM

One forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings.

Posted by: sansho1 at November 14, 2009 10:09 PM

To pay homage to how Figgy & Mr. Figgy met, I would gift them Rings of Power from Lord of the Rings:

Nenya, Galadriel's ring, for Figgy
Vilya, Elrond's ring, for Mr. Figgy

I would give them the One Ring, but isn't it enough that she'll be stealing all our jaerbs?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at November 14, 2009 10:23 PM

A Firefly-class transport to name as she chooses and add to the ranks with the MurderTank and MurderMaid. They can't take the sky from Figgy!

Posted by: TryScience at November 14, 2009 10:27 PM

How about two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.

Because there is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, or a Honduran moving to Texas.

Posted by: ashes at November 14, 2009 11:03 PM

For a Pajiban, I would kidnap Nathan Fillion, dress him as Captain Mal, and leave him at her door with a note saying, "I aim to misbehave...with you (and your husband, I guess)."

Posted by: esme at November 14, 2009 11:45 PM

I love you guys.

Also, you DO know I'm holding you ALL to your promises, right? I'm taking names and addresses down and if I don't see the gifts on my wedding day there will be hell to pay. HELL!

Posted by: figgy at November 15, 2009 12:01 AM

A rotting rabbit carcass always screams classy gift to me. If it was good enough to control the mind of a Catherine Deneuve character, it's good enough for Figgy. I mean, she was brave enough to admit she easily had the power to destroy me but liked me enough not to do it (yet). A classy gift from a classy horror film is the least I could do.

Posted by: Robert at November 15, 2009 12:04 AM

Oh, so it's like that, is it? Fucking ingrate.

FINE.

OK, how's this: Rum, 2 quarts pineapple juice, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, 6 oysters, a hand-knitted coaster set, a dead baby bird, a sock drawer filled with biting worms and eleven sporks.

Posted by: TK at November 15, 2009 12:05 AM

Austin Danger Powers' personal effects. I'm sure he'll find a use for them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WCvULMRUq8

Posted by: Mick J at November 15, 2009 12:41 AM

Moving to Texas (aka: here, where I live) and getting married?

A tolerance for chain restaurants and the well-honed ability to find the secret gems (great independents) among them, a lot of great Jesus jokes I've got written down around here somewhere, I would say an extreme tolerance for heat, but she's probably already got that, a high tolerance for bullshit (might already have that too) and......

TRUCKNUTZ! http://www.trucknutz.com/

I even recently saw little chrome motorcycle nutz recently. WE GOT IT ALL, Y'ALL!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at November 15, 2009 1:18 AM

Oh AND congratulations figgy! May your marriage be happy and blessed!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at November 15, 2009 1:20 AM

Oh, the trucknutz.
Really, I know all I need to know about a person if I see these on their motor vehicle.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 15, 2009 2:44 AM

Magic carpet ride. Either the one from Aladdin, or the one from the popular porn homage, A Lad's Sin. Your choice, figgy dear!

Posted by: meaux at November 15, 2009 10:40 AM

Geez, TK, I just wanted you to gift-wrap the bastards. But fine! I'll take the bird and give someone rabies with it, I know that'll make you happy.

Posted by: figgy at November 15, 2009 11:45 AM

"Trust me, it will make the years pass more quickly."


Are you in a rush for life to be over?

Posted by: Recondite at November 15, 2009 12:05 PM

A magic wedding gown sewn together from all the threads that have been posted on this wonderful site.

Too metaphorical? Um... Candlesticks then...?


Posted by: Odnon at November 15, 2009 12:09 PM

A 'Jump' to Conclusions game. Because good things happen.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 15, 2009 12:11 PM

I'm thinking about getting Mr. Snuggie some trucknutz for Christmas as a joke. Flesh-colored ones. For his Toyota Corolla.

BWA.

(He'd never actually put them on the car.)

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at November 15, 2009 12:26 PM

Pillow stuffed with Nathan Fillion's pubic hair.

Slightly used.

Posted by: ZoBla at November 15, 2009 12:33 PM

@Recondite :

No, but I have been married. :-}

And as demonstrated by my 94 year old grandpa, there's nothing wrong with some marital aids to keep the magic alive. (shudder)

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 15, 2009 12:46 PM

So....Texas? All that comes to mind is Tommy Lee Jones and a sweet white Stetson.

And the super deluxe version of "Urban Cowboy." Study it, you're gonna need those bull-ridin skills Figgy!

Posted by: rayliota at November 15, 2009 12:51 PM

I notice that while TruckNutz are available in blue, green, camouflage, and "flesh", they are not available in black or any shade of brown... Way to shed that image, Texas!

(*heart* you, Snuggie!)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at November 15, 2009 12:51 PM

Snuggie:
My neighbors had those godawful Trucknutz on their truck for a while. Not the sort of thing you see everyday here in Portland. They were from Mexico. This is more of an emo-hipster-hippy-douchebag kind of town than a rednecked-macho-balls-out kind of town.
Vancouver (WA)is riiiight next door though....

I have a Corolla. Trucknuts on a Corolla would be funny in a way I can appreciate. The irony, oh the irony.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 15, 2009 12:52 PM

The black ones would throw off the handling of the truck.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 15, 2009 12:59 PM

Ok, what is BWA? Even google didn't know.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 15, 2009 1:01 PM

While we're on the subject of trucknutz, I was once rear ended by a chromed-out Hummer, with Trucknutz hanging from the front of the car and a Dane Cook "Supafinger" sticker. He hit me, then drove around me and took off down the highway.

The Denver police say they were unable to locate the vehicle after. I assume that's because the douche to human ratio had shifted to dangerous levels and his Hummer simply disappeared in a cloud of Axe body spray and closet homosexuality.

Posted by: ZoBla at November 15, 2009 1:05 PM

ZoBla, I am very sorry you were the victim of a hit and run doucheing, but that story is awesome.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 15, 2009 1:29 PM

And as demonstrated by my 94 year old grandpa, there's nothing wrong with some marital aids to keep the magic alive. (shudder)
Fap Fap?

Posted by: Fappy McFapperson at November 15, 2009 1:31 PM

http://www.pajiba.com/eloquent_eloquence/eloquent-eloquence-110509.php

#3 Fappy, since you seem confused.

And seriously, read a book or something, you are going to chafe.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 15, 2009 2:02 PM

01. Matching His & Hers MurderTank keys.
02. A half-dozen drums of all-purpose lubricant.
03. An autographed Wendel & His Banjo cassette.
04. Toby Keith's boots, feet included.
05. Three of Sean Hannity's vertebrae.
06. Glenn Beck's jawbone.
07. 40-gallon drum of Taco Dip with Scrabble-shaped tortilla chips.
08. Glow-in-the-dark Fist of Adonis with suction-cup attachment.
09. Hardcover copy of "How to Make a Shiv Out Of Anything"
10. Honeymoon to somewhere exotic... Honduras maybe?

Posted by: Skitz at November 15, 2009 2:13 PM

figgy: Only if I can wear the Uhmerica bikini bottoms. AND NOTHING ELSE.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at November 15, 2009 2:53 PM

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 15, 2009 3:31 PM

Back in Soviet Russia TruckNutz drove you.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 15, 2009 4:16 PM

Oh Texas, how I miss you, my lovely homeland. Even though you're hot as fuck in Dallas and hot as good fuck in humid Houston, I still love you.

Anyway, here's what you need figgy: One gusher and over 500,000 acres and a shitload of cattle.

One football team, preferably the Aggies but since my Aggies are barely showing up for the games these days, the Permian Panthers will do.

One rabid football fan.

One office cubicle and god-awful boss.

Many beautiful vistas and open spaces.

Some country music, some Sonic Drive-Ins, some Gulf Coast, some Blind Willie Johnson, some astronauts.

You'll love it! Howdy, y'all!

(And for reals? What you'll really need is a sweater to wear at the movies.)

Posted by: Shonda at November 15, 2009 4:41 PM

JerBear, it. is. ON! They're already scandalized that we're not getting married in a church, and that my fiance is a dirty atheist. The porn star from Canada would be the least of their troubles. Also, you're hot. So it'd be everyone's gain.

Posted by: figgy at November 15, 2009 4:56 PM

Figgy,
A patriotic banana hammock sounds like just the thing y'all need to really set that ceremony off.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 15, 2009 5:12 PM

A toaster.

Prepare and enjoy your "Texas toast" while you are able, human. Ignore the beeping lights and whirring sounds that would seem to be plotting your demise in the kitchen.

*robotic chortle*

Posted by: DarthCorleone's Robotic Executioner at November 15, 2009 5:50 PM

...

I need to find a way to work both "patriotic banana hammock" and "robotic chortle" into conversation this week. Preferable the same conversation.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at November 15, 2009 6:45 PM

I'm gonna get you beer....and some cleaning products.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at November 15, 2009 6:48 PM

Lindsey: I love you so goddamn much!

figgy: Oh lord, this oughtta be exciting. "Mr. and Mrs. Figgy, so glad to meet you! Oh yeah, the flag banana hammock...Yeah, you can just ignore that.."

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at November 15, 2009 7:09 PM

Lindsey's gift seems to be out of stock. Does that mean she bought the last one?

Posted by: Mr. Figgy at November 15, 2009 7:44 PM

I'll send along a chafing dish. Apparently this is a traditional wedding gift. I have no idea what a chafing dish is, but it sounds kind of horrible. Why oh why didn't they name it something else?

Posted by: MM at November 15, 2009 8:37 PM

Remind Jeremy to watch himself around the chafing dish. I hear American flag emblazoned banana hammocks are the most flammable kind of banana hammocks.

Posted by: ZoBla at November 15, 2009 8:45 PM

A bookcase? For all the Cannonball Reading?

As another Texan-in-exile, I think I'd like to send some bluebonnets. Awww...

Posted by: naivehelga at November 15, 2009 10:01 PM

um... figs?

Posted by: mswas at November 15, 2009 10:27 PM

lol - this is the first time Ive ever heard of pajibaland

Posted by: taliny at November 16, 2009 12:09 AM

Oh, I bought them all Mr. Figgy. (Guess what you're getting for Christmas Big Daddy!):-}

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 16, 2009 1:44 AM

I love you too Jeremy. I am proud to have Cananandian Porn Star amongst my friends.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 16, 2009 1:58 AM

"Remind Jeremy to watch himself around the chafing dish. I hear American flag emblazoned banana hammocks are the most flammable kind of banana hammocks."

Yeah, but it might be the perfect shield against the rednecks who would do gay porn star bodily harm. They wouldn't DARE harm an Uhmerican flag. It is like Mithril. Or Kryptonite.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 16, 2009 3:03 AM

Lots of wine. Men are inconsiderate morons and she'll need something to calm her down when he forgets the anniversary of the first time they said something at the same time proving they were meant to be together despite the military coup threatening to destroy us all.

Or a vibrator. Sex is a fickle bitch in matrimonial life.

Posted by: Kballs at November 16, 2009 8:11 AM

Shonda You really ARE from Texas. And I'm an Aggie. Howdy. (I never said that when I went there. The fastest way to get me to not do something is to insist that I do.)

Trucknutz do SO come in black and brown! Check out the site!

BWA is laughing. It's an abrupt, loud, obnoxious but blessedly short laugh.

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at November 16, 2009 12:03 PM

Oh, crap, I totally missed this...

Still, YOU PEOPLE don't seem to understand the Latina mind. What Figgy really needs is a Shame-Free Pass 4 Life certificate from the Vatican, so she never has to feel Catholic shame EVER again.

My dad is always going to the Vatican, pseudo-Chola, so I've got you covered.

Posted by: Sofía at November 16, 2009 12:10 PM

Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.

Posted by: Codger at November 16, 2009 2:17 PM





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