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Theatrical Secret Shames


An Afternoon Comment Diversion / Dustin Rowles

Comment Diversions | September 23, 2009 | Comments (126)


One of the most popular Guides we ever put together was our ode to Secret Shames. We’re not talking about guilty pleasures, like Showgirls, Wild Things, Starship Troopers, Roadhouse, or Cruel Intentions, which have gained a certain cult status, for which few would be embarrassed to admit a fondness. Secret Shames are beyond the pale — beyond guilty pleasures, Movies you honestly do not want to confess a love for in intelligent company.

Anyway, that Guide went on to collect over 600 comments, although I found many of the movies mentioned not all that embarrassing: Major League, Center Stage, The Cutting Edge? Really, that’s the worst you can do?

Nevertheless,I want to re-explore that topic today, with one huge qualifier. What is the last secret shame you saw in a theater. Something you probably knew would be horrible, yet you went anyway, only to discover that your initial fears were borne out. But, despite that, you enjoyed the hell out of it anyway. I’m also limiting choices to movies that were released in the last five years. In other words, I want to find the next Showgirls or Starship Troopers, a movie that is destined to be a secret shame cult classic.

I’ll start: Fired Up!


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Comments

Meet The Fockers


Fuck you, Stiller.

You too, Rowles.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 23, 2009 12:03 PM

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. I saw it 5 times in theaters and hated myself more every time.

Posted by: esme at September 23, 2009 12:06 PM

Does the Two-Dollar Theater count? Because if so, I enjoyed the crap out of Inkheart. It was so fantastically horrible that it crossed the line into hilarity.

I was the only one laughing in the entire theater, however.

Posted by: Wednesday at September 23, 2009 12:08 PM

How can you like something which is total and absolute crap? I'm finding it hard coming up witha title and I've watched an average of a movie a week at the theatre for the last five years... I'll keep thinking about this and maybe write one later

Posted by: barf at September 23, 2009 12:10 PM

I saw Hitman in the theater and, despite being disappointed, was probably the only one there who enjoyed it. I even bought the DVD.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at September 23, 2009 12:15 PM

The only thing I can come up with is horror movies like My Bloody Valentine and The Final Destination. The acting is bad. Really, really bad but you still love it. But being horror people aren't ashamed of admitting that. It is acceptable for horror to be bad. With other genres movies are usuallsy so bad you hate them, so good you love them or bland enough to help you kill two hours and forget them. So bad you love them sounds like a weird combination. It'll be interesting to see what other people will come up with.

Posted by: barf at September 23, 2009 12:17 PM

I refuse to pay money for movies that will end up being secret shames, I save them for Netflix. Stuff I see in the theaters tend to be either really good (Up, Tell No One) or blockbustery stuff I've been jonesing for (Harry Potter, The Hangover).

But recent secret shames, Netflix style? Step Up and Ghost Town. My roommate and I kept both movies for about 2 weeks, that's how often we watched them.

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2009 12:19 PM

This is difficult. Most of my secret shames were movies I caught on cable. I guess I would have to say Kingdom of Heaven.

It's long, boring as hell, but I saw it twice because Orlando Bloom looked so damn good in it.

Posted by: Brie at September 23, 2009 12:26 PM

Ultraviolet. Milla commands me!

Posted by: Vermillion at September 23, 2009 12:28 PM

The only one I can think of right now is My Bloody Valentine 3-D. But come on, it had Jensen Ackles in 3-D! How often do you get to see Jensen with an added dimension of sexiness? Never, that's when.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at September 23, 2009 12:28 PM

The Scorpion King - I was actually excited about this one, till the next day when a friend told some random guy at a bar how great we thought it was...then I realized we sounded like the biggest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse and needed to stow that tidbit in our Shame Closet and never open the door. Ever.

I also hate admitting I saw XXX in the theater - because, again, I was super excited about Vin and all his gloriousness.

And because I had a thing for Orlando Bloom, I also saw Troy in the theater.

The Rock, Vin, Orlando...I had a good five year stretch where I was incredibly horny. Then I found some free online sites to cure that.

Posted by: Kiko at September 23, 2009 12:30 PM

For me, it's the older shitty Michael Bay movies, like Armageddon, The Rock, and Pearl Harbor. Are they great films? Not by any stretch of the imagination, but they were fun to watch with my Dad, and that makes all the difference.

Phantom Menace is another one, I still insist it's the best of the new three, which signifies nothing, but the fact that I enjoy it is still quite shameful.

Still, I'd have to say the worst movie I've ever enjoyed was, and I say this exclusively for you people, was the Pokémon movies. Sure, they were some of the worst scripted, poorly animated, downright boring children's movies of all time, but to my young eyes, they were all but immaculate.

However, now that I'm older, I'd rather be beaten to death with razor spiked dildos while a Jonas Brothers CD played in the background than have to sit through those pieces of shit again. So do they still count?

Posted by: George at September 23, 2009 12:35 PM

I have no shame


Two Weeks Notice

Posted by: lelnguye at September 23, 2009 12:40 PM

Hmph, I think mine are all over five years old. I can't think of anything current...except Beverly Hills Chihuahuawannakillmyself. But I was dragged to that and used my pregnancy as an excuse to hang out in the bathroom.

I did see Kingdom of Heaven in the theater but I can't fully regret it because:
A) I got paid to watch it
B) I found a diamond on the floor of the theater - though this could be negated by the fact that I later got robbed and, of course, the bastards stole it. Blood Diamond is loosely based on this experience.
C) It was a major step up from Troy

Posted by: Kiko at September 23, 2009 12:42 PM

Step Up 2: The Streets

Posted by: Monica at September 23, 2009 12:43 PM

WAIT! I LIED! It wasn't Step Up, it was Stick It. You can see how I got those confused.

The one we loved was with the girl from Reaper, and it was basically Bring It On: We DO Have a Gymnastics Team.

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2009 12:47 PM

First off, Starship Troopers is sweet, and I'm not embarrassed about that.

As for this...*sigh*. Okay, I...kind of loved watching XXX. A lot. That one was just too much fun to deny. Oh god. This is like admitting that you actually enjoyed it when the doctor stuck his finger in your ass or that you think fucking a dead body could be kinda hot (well, not literally, obviously, and the logistics of it are complex, but...wait, it's just an analogy!)

Fuck. This shame burns deeper than I thought.

Posted by: ChristianH at September 23, 2009 12:48 PM

I went back to the old list to try and understand better what this shame-list should contain and what did I find? Hocus Pocus, Home Alone and The Last Action Hero. Really? Are they bad. Hocus Pocus and Home Alone are great family and kids movies and The Last Action Hero is just Arnie doing his thing (which is quite enjoyable). The only thing you might be emabrassed about liking them is the fact that they are family movies and to your adult friends you prefer talking about The Godfather than Home Alone but if it comes down to it you have to admit they are great movies of their own genre.

I loved The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie (which I watched at the theatre). I don't usually talk about children's movies so it would hardly be the film to talk about but I don't think I would mind admitting my love for it if we were talking about cartoons and children's movies

Many people name musicals as guilty pleasures but musicals are a genre on their own so you cannot compare them to something more serious. There's no shame in loving Grease and The Sound of Music.

I find these guilty or shameful lists a bit superflous (not that I want to spoil the fun here) but it would be interesting to see what you people think. I don't find it surprising that you found most of the movies mentioned not to be that embarassing and that guilty-pleasures gain a cult status. Obviously in such movies there are some good ingredients which will stand the test of time. I think it's more about being embarassed to admit to liking a certain genre of film.

Besides, if you really love a film, you have good reasons to do so. Why should you be embarassed to admit it to anyone?

Posted by: barf at September 23, 2009 12:49 PM

I totally get what you're saying barf. I may call these movies secret shames, but it doesn't stop me from professing my love. All the time. Anyone who knows me and my roommate know that all is lost when Coyote Ugly is on tv. I'm never embarrassed to admit I love a movie. Movies are fun, whether they're well made and well written, or complete trashy stupidity.

And Spongebob: The Movie RULES.

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2009 12:53 PM

From Justin to Kelly.

Still a damn fine movie and the last one I saw in theaters that met my awful, horrendous filmmaking qualifications. Like a good wine, it just gets better and better (meaning worse and worse), every year.

For God's sake, there's a skirt made of ties not worn ironically! Hovercraft racing! A shify-eyed southern blond with daddy issues! Texting as a plot point before most of America had experienced it! Reality stars really struggling to emote!

The only thing that could have been better (worse) is if the Idol contract had been iron-clad enough to have forced the entirety of the Top 10 into the film as was the original plan.

Posted by: Robert at September 23, 2009 12:59 PM

17 again

Posted by: rg at September 23, 2009 12:59 PM

This is difficult - I've enjoyed most of the movies I've seen over the past year. The best I can come up with is Terminator: Salvation. And I can't say that I enjoyed the whole thing, but there were parts. Frankly, it's the people who made it who should really be ashamed.

Posted by: Cindy at September 23, 2009 1:00 PM

Monsters vs Aliens. We saw that in the theater with Monkey. I didn't expect to like it, but I did like it. I think I had as much fun as Monkey did, especially since we watched it in 3-D. I look forward to someone else shelling out the cash for the DVD so I can watch it again.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at September 23, 2009 1:01 PM

My entry would have to be "Inframan".

What? Look it UP, people! It's a real movie. It was even a SHAW Brothers movie!

Posted by: Green Lantern at September 23, 2009 1:02 PM

Fuck the five year qualification. The closest I came to the holy grail of so bad they're incredible films set by J2K was Team America, and the score raises that to mediocre. I've learned to restrain myself from intentionally walking into bad films with knowledge of badness. That's what grainy YouTube files are for.

Posted by: Robert at September 23, 2009 1:03 PM

Also, I am ashamed that I've wanted to watch Last Chance Harvey - but I haven't succumbed to my odd desire as yet.

Posted by: Cindy at September 23, 2009 1:04 PM

the unborn.
i only went for the oldman.

Posted by: maxpurr9 at September 23, 2009 1:05 PM

Push and Twilight. Ugh. Push: I thought that one guy was hot, Chris Evans. Then I realized mid-way that Chris looks a lot like one of my husband's best friends and I felt dirty, but still very interested and I just stayed completely drawn in but uncomfortable. Plus, Dakota Fanning looked like a child prostitute the whole time, a la Jodi Foster/Brooke Shields. It was awful. I'd watch it again.

Twilight: I'm a sucker for vampires.... It was terrible. I did enjoy the soundtrack, too. The books are ridiculous, but so much better. I do get aggravated when people say they are going to watch Twilight to see what all the fuss is about. Don't hate. I don't have a thing for Robert Pattison, either, but I'm strangely compelled. Maybe I've been glamoured. Wait, wrong vampires.

Posted by: Goddess at September 23, 2009 1:05 PM

Easy. Death Race. Though, is it really shameful to like anything Jason Statham is in?

Posted by: Josh at September 23, 2009 1:09 PM

Hee. Robert wins.

Mine?

White Chicks.

Why the HELL do I keep watching it? Why? WHY? I don't know, I just can't look away. Plus the giant black guy cracks me up every single time.

Posted by: figgy at September 23, 2009 1:09 PM

SHAME? This is an easy one(and I have to go way back)... MEN AT FUCKING WORK... Estevez and Sheen at their best(worst?)

Posted by: Syzlak at September 23, 2009 1:12 PM

Haven't been to the theater since Titanic, so I have nothing to add on that score. However, based on the review on this site, we got "Giant Shark vs Mega Octopus" from Netflix and it was quite the evening. Now we're trying to buy our own copy.

Posted by: dawn at September 23, 2009 1:14 PM

Sorry I had to dismiss the 5 year qualifier because I couldn't think of any others... I suppose that's a good thing but then again, I rarely go to theaters. Maybe the next Sheen/Estevez vehicle will pull me in...

Posted by: Syzlak at September 23, 2009 1:16 PM

Oh wait. I need to read instructions before posting.

The Princess Diaries 2

Yep. We went because we had nothing better to do, and though I knew it was stupid and lame and just completely cheesy Disney fodder, I couldn't help but love the hell out of it. It was just so much stupid fun. And! Julie Andrews! And Mason from Dead Like Me! The only thing that pissed me off was that she ended up with the other lame-o dude instead of sexy, British Mason.

Posted by: figgy at September 23, 2009 1:16 PM

My sister and cousins dragged me to The Grudge 2. I knew it would be, at best, mediocre. It turned out to be awful beyond my powers of description.

Posted by: Todd at September 23, 2009 1:17 PM

Dragon Wars.

Don't get me wrong - I knew it would suck before paying for my ticket, and I knew it sucked before the preceding trailers finished, and I really knew it sucked during the flashback-within-a-flashback and Imoogi was first dropped...

But some years later, I read online that it was a comedic sendup in nature, and NOT seriously intended at all, and that changed my feelings for it.

A little.

Well, enough that I don't retch at the mere mention of its name, nor swear death and crushed-puppies on every Korean in existence...

Posted by: malikvlc at September 23, 2009 1:25 PM

The last three movies I saw in a theater were: Star Trek, Coraline, and My Bloody Valentine 3D. I am not the least bit ashamed of any of those. I liked them all. MBV was filled with 80s-horror-homage goodness, and I had loads of fun at it. Bonus: Ackles.

Prior to that, the last thing I saw in a theater was Twilight. Is that the one, then? Probably. I actually paid good money to see it. And I enjoyed it. Then, I bought it on DVD. I have watched it 3 times since. And enjoyed it. Much as I try to deny it, I cannot. Angry with myself as I am, I can't stop. But wait! Here's the best part of this secret shame: I'm going to see New Moon. Totally. I sort of can't wait for it. Intellectually, I know I shouldn't, and that it will be as terrible as I -intellectually- know the first was. And yet. All I can say is, it must appeal to something in my baser nature, and that something is insatiable.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 23, 2009 1:26 PM

Vin, The Rock, Orlando...you have good taste, Kiko . I also saw Troy in theaters, and a friend of mine got me the shittiest bootlegged version of it as a gift. I'm not ashamed of Troy because I accept it for what it is: good looking men running around in skirts.

Syzlak, I have Men at Work on DVD, and I am not ashamed. How else would I have learned never to mess with another man's fries?

Posted by: Brie at September 23, 2009 1:29 PM

Zoolander

Posted by: anikitty at September 23, 2009 1:35 PM

The Lake House.

I was pleasantly surprised. First of all, I love Sandra Bullock, and this was a fairly low key role for her. Second, Keanu almost does a convincing cry (you can do it!). But most important, they have a conversation about Persuasion (the book) that is entirely accurate. You can always win me over with Jane Austen.

Posted by: kelsy at September 23, 2009 1:35 PM

Heh Heh Brie... Nice. Also, I believe Men at Work kind of started the whole "golf clap" joke that is still relevant (but lame) today...

Posted by: Syzlak at September 23, 2009 1:43 PM

Dungeons & Dragons

Yeah, I know that was a long time ago. I don't go to the movies often.

Posted by: Agent Scully at September 23, 2009 1:44 PM

Easy. TWILIGHT.

Posted by: scuse me at September 23, 2009 1:48 PM

War of the Worlds.

I think a lot of my enjoyment came from the fact that some random guy mistook me for his date, snuggled up next to me and offered me popcorn before he realized that I wasn't who he thought I was. Then he proceeded to try and play it off by not moving to wherever his date actually was for the remainder of the film. He bolted before the lights came up, so I never got to ask him why he stayed. My hotness, I suppose. It's like fly paper.

But I digress.

The movie itself wasn't bad at all. It wasn't as good as I thought it would be, but I enjoyed it enough to watch it again later. To be fair, I don't think it was the film that actually bothered me as much as it was Tom Cruise being in the movie. He scares me. He scares me a lot.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at September 23, 2009 1:48 PM

My Mom's New Boyfriend, starring Meg Ryan and Antonio Banderas. It was almost painful.

Posted by: Sofía at September 23, 2009 1:49 PM

Troy is nothing to be ashamed of. Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Eric Bana AND Sean Bean? And Diane Kruger for the fellas.

Surley it's an equal opportunity bunk movie for all.

Posted by: Agent Scully at September 23, 2009 1:53 PM

Uh-oh, Dustin. Looks like Twilight is winning.

I have to admit that this would probably be mine if I had seen it in theaters. I pirated it and watched it on my computer. I wanted to be completely disgusted and to turn it off halfway through but I was just laughing too damned hard at how utterly ridiculous it was and I KNOW that I would watch it again if given the chance, if only to relive the moments of utter hilarity.

Stupid, stupid movie.

Posted by: figgy at September 23, 2009 1:56 PM

The Perfect Man

Heather Locklear, Hilary Duff, Chris Noth...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0380623/

Posted by: appwitch at September 23, 2009 1:56 PM

Disaster Movie. 'Nuff said.

Posted by: Tim at September 23, 2009 1:59 PM

The one time I ever got stoned, I got talked into it by my friend and her cousin (my boyfriend at the time), both regular users. They laughed and laughed at nothing; I had a full-on paranoid episode. My heart was going a mile a minute and I was convinced I was going to die. Even the Krispy Kremes we got were no consolation.

And then? We went to see Spice World.

I never smoked again. If that was my brain on drugs, I wanted no part of it.

Posted by: manders at September 23, 2009 1:59 PM

The Shaggy Dog

Sigh. To be fair to myself, I was volunteering with special needs kids, so it's not like I woke up one day and said, "You know what? I think I need to see a movie about a guy who turns into a dog."

The only thing that got me through that was RDJ. Barely.

Posted by: pereka at September 23, 2009 1:59 PM

Wait, I skimmed the rules too quickly. We're supposed to pick a movie we knew would suck, saw it in the theaters (in the last five years) anyway, it did suck, and we still enjoyed it somehow?

Scratch The Grudge 2, then. I knew that would suck, it did, and I hated it. I got nothin' for this diversion.

Posted by: Todd at September 23, 2009 1:59 PM

We are crashing! We we are crashing!

Posted by: Lunchbox20 at September 23, 2009 2:05 PM

The House Bunny. Saw it on my own free time.

Got my Emma Stone on, but I cannot recommend it for any reason.

Now the horrible movies I screened for my projectionist job? Delta Farce is pretty high on the list, so is Crossover (with Wayne Brady as the villain) and Redline. But by far the worst? Phat Girlz with Mo'nique.

Posted by: Doric at September 23, 2009 2:06 PM

X-men Origins: Wolverine

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. But I am a sucker for Liev Schriber.

Although I would like to add that I saw The Rock a few times in the theater, because it just kept getting funnier and funnier. Not because the movie got any better, but because of the sheer number of friend-related anecdotes that gathered around it.

Posted by: sistercoyote at September 23, 2009 2:09 PM

As a poor post-graduate, I only go to the theater if I know the movie is going to be good. But I do have shady cousins in the bootlegging business, and business is a boomin'. So, even though I didn't see it in the theater, I'll throw in Punisher: War Zone. SO. MUCH. FUN. IIt's a symphony of craterfacing carnage and ridiculosity. All of the actors swing for the fences on the awefulsome scale. It's like Christmas where every actor gets their very own accent to butcher (Castle just grunts) and a shitballs retarded death scene. Glorious.

Posted by: jM at September 23, 2009 2:17 PM

Oh George...The sad thing is, I watched the shit out of Pokemon to. Not only that, but I had every goddamn Pokemon on the Gameboy game (Yes, even Mew) and I had them all at level 100 thanks to the rare candy trick. Ain't no shame.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at September 23, 2009 2:18 PM

Maybe I've been glamoured. Wait, wrong vampires.
They might not be the Twilight vampires, Goddess, but they are the right kind of vampires. You know, the ones that kill people and burn up in the sunlight.
But, while Im on the topic, I do think Twilight has one (just one) over on True Blood, in that blood sends the vampires into a feeding frenzy. In TB, it is like any other snack food. Just a bit meh for me.

But I would take meh with a hot side of Eric Northman any day...
:drool:

Posted by: Patty O'Green at September 23, 2009 2:19 PM

The only one I can think of right now is My Bloody Valentine 3-D. But come on, it had Jensen Ackles in 3-D! How often do you get to see Jensen with an added dimension of sexiness? Never, that's when.

Me too, Jeremy! In fact, this is the only place I'll admit seeing it. Though I was disappointed that nothing really interesting poked out of the screen at me, if you know what I mean. And I can't think why you wouldn't.

Posted by: Tarn at September 23, 2009 2:19 PM

I got nothing.
I have hardly set foot in a theater in 5 years, and when I did , it was to see something that either I knew I would like, or knew I wouldn't, but was starved enough for human company that I went to whatever my friend was going to see,
And that my friends, is how Hancock got to be the last movie I saw in a first run theater.
And I went in knowing it was 'meh.'

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 23, 2009 2:25 PM

You know what I really hate?
I HATE when I have proofread twice, and still miss the punctuation error until moments AFTER I hit 'Post Comment'.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 23, 2009 2:28 PM

The Proposal.

I took myself to the movies one night because I had to get out of the house. I expected it to be a shitty, somewhat sappy romantic comedy with a few laughs. And it was. And I laughed my ass off. But I didn't tell anyone that's what I went and saw.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at September 23, 2009 2:28 PM

@Lindsey - I feel you, babe.

@myysharona (formerly Sharon) - I saw The Proposal. But I went in knowing I was going to be insulted and annoyed because it was going to be a shitty, sappy romantic comedy. Sadly, though, I didn't laugh my ass of.

Mom enjoyed it, though.

Posted by: sistercoyote at September 23, 2009 2:30 PM

OK, I thought the header picture was from Dude, Where's My Car?, which fits the bill perfectly for me (except for being in the last five years). I went with a friend of mine who really wanted to see it, and to this day I have no idea why, because she rarely sees movies in theaters and she has no tolerance for stupid shit. And yet we went and we laughed the entire way through. And we weren't even drunk or anything.

As for something within the last five years, I'd say Wolverine. (Eeek. Did I admit that here?) Pretty much any movie with gorgeous men and explosions will get me into the theater, and I knew Wolverine would suck, and it did suck, and shit all over beloved characters and stories, but I still gleaned some small nuggets of enjoyment from it. Shame.

Posted by: MM at September 23, 2009 2:31 PM

Well, I can't think of anything really recent, since I'm broke and therefore pretty picky about the movies I see in theaters, but I have to admit, I saw Death to Smoochy in the theater and I loved it. Can't argue it was good, but I definitely enjoyed it for some reason. I also loved Snakes on a Plane but I don't know if that one counts.

Posted by: s. pisaster at September 23, 2009 2:37 PM

Sex in the City. I knew I'd have fun hating on SJP, plus I like to choose what I would wear, what I would tweek, and what I'd never be caught dead in. And my cousin who is a mom of 4 really needed a girls night out. And whatever, I still watch it on tv. Im an asshole.

Posted by: PeePants at September 23, 2009 2:40 PM

Legally Blonde, I know that is not recent but I don't get to theater that often these days.

It was terrible.

I loved it.

I bought it on DVD.

Posted by: DemonWaterPolo at September 23, 2009 2:42 PM

Thank you, Jeremy, it's good to know I'm not alone in my secret shame of Pokémon.

Posted by: George at September 23, 2009 2:57 PM

I don't have secret shames. There are plenty of things of which I ought to be ashamed, surely, but I seem to be immune to shame. I copped to the one holdout I had two years ago in the last shame list, when I admitted to not only watching but OWNING every last one of those goddamn Olsen Twins movies. And I can tell you right now that if they ever make an iCarly movie, my ass will see it in the theatre. Twice.

Posted by: Sarina at September 23, 2009 3:12 PM

Lesbian Vampire Killers. I feel shame....

Posted by: Danny Smooth at September 23, 2009 3:13 PM

Okay, I lied - I do recall handing over hard earned money to see Date Movie and actually laughing during the cat-pooping-on-the-toilet scene and at the scene where Alyssa (Alison?) Hannigan hops on some kind of motorcycle and the next shot shows a black guy with her dress on doing a wheelie. I don't know why, but it was funny.

I refused to see Twilight in the theater and swore I'd never read any of that garbage - a year later, it's my crack. And I already have plans to see New Moon in the theater - in the Lux Level. Vamps and Booze? And seclusion from teenages? Christmas is coming early, bitches!

Posted by: Kiko at September 23, 2009 3:13 PM

Here's the thing: as far as shame over guilt, I have none. I'd have to say the film I enjoyed the most that I knew was bad before I went in was My Bloody Valentine 3-D. But I'm not ashamed. It's a crappy 80s-style slash fest in 3-D. I hadn't been able to see something like that in years.

Another thing I have to defend even though I don't see why is watching Twilight with Rifftraxx on. I highly recommend Rifftraxx if you have to review something and you don't want to slit your wrists.

Posted by: puppetDoug at September 23, 2009 3:15 PM

I can't recall anything recently either, so I will unload a previous theatrical shame: I loved Spawn. My comic-loving friends around here are free to remove my ass from its mylar sleeve and kick it.

Posted by: branded at September 23, 2009 3:17 PM

Hannah Montana: The Movie

My friend and I were the oldest people there without children and we quite literally bolted from the theater as soon as the credits started. Totally worth it though, I have a secret place in my heart for corny teen pop. Pop it, lock it, polka dot it!

Posted by: canaux at September 23, 2009 3:24 PM

Doomsday.
Death Race.
And.....Jackass 2. I would watch Jackass and Viva La Bam on a constant loop if at all possible.

Posted by: Prisco at September 23, 2009 3:32 PM

Fucking Fever Pitch. I'll watch that pile of shit every time it comes on.

Posted by: Brian at September 23, 2009 3:33 PM

Shit, I got nothing. If I know it is going to be bad, even a kind of awesome bad that I know I'll love, then I wait for it to hIt Netflix. Movies in the theater are just too expensive.

Posted by: stardust savant at September 23, 2009 3:42 PM

Step Up 2: The Streets. I watched it five times one week (minor crush on the lead male hottie.) The dance routines are amazing and the dialogue is not so horrible that it's unwatchable.

Posted by: KittyKitty at September 23, 2009 3:42 PM

17 Again. I told friends I had to visit my mom and then went to the theatre wearing a hat (even though I never wear a hat). I sat in the back row corner and left at the end of the credits when the lights came up. I don't know why I just had to see it and couldn't bring myself to ask any of my friends. I had fun watching it, but I will never speak of it again after today.

Posted by: James at September 23, 2009 3:44 PM

I saw Dude, Where's My Car? in the theater. It was only entertaining because of the other people in the theater. Oh yes.

Posted by: Melody at September 23, 2009 3:52 PM

Does my school's auditorium count?

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

That movie sucked ass. I actually laughed out loud at the lines these kids were saying.

Posted by: grace b at September 23, 2009 3:54 PM

Silent Hill. Went in expecting very little and came out as the only person in my group not appalled and disgusted by the abomination they had made of the video game. I blame it on the Sean Bean.
The last scene with the barbed wire bed is probably the most ridiculously gory thing I have ever seen - I giggled all the way through it.

Posted by: strawberryfields at September 23, 2009 3:55 PM

I Know Who Killed Me. I planned an evening out of it with a group of friends the night it hit theaters, bought the DVD the day it came out, have made numerous friends watch it with me, and constantly sing its praises to anyone who will lend an ear. It's either really incredible in its badness, or I'm an embarrassment to society.

Posted by: benjamin at September 23, 2009 4:03 PM

Oh, easy.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

I saw that in theaters twice. It was the summer I got my drivers license and I somehow talked my sister into not only going with me a second time but paying for the damn movie. Granted, this was the same summer she dragged me to Freaky Friday and From Justin To Kelly. My brain has never fully recovered from the latter.

The Wolverine movie runs a close second. I only saw it once on the big screen but I'll be damned if I don't want to watch it again and again. The predominance of muscular, beautiful men makes it a bit less of a shame, though. League really just has Sean Connery. And whoever that was attempting to play Dorian Gray. Stuart Townsend. That's him. At 16 I totally thought he was yummy.

Posted by: Victoria at September 23, 2009 4:05 PM

In general, I make a point of not seeing anything at the theater that has the possibility of being bad, so it's tough to pin any sort of "guilty pleasure" or "secret shame" on me. The only truly bad movie I saw at the theater in the last several years that I immediately recall was Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull - which was of course required viewing and gave me no enjoyment whatsoever, although perhaps the second viewing for the sake of a friend could be deemed shameful, and my hysterical laughing at the atrocity of what I saw on screen - as opposed to the shocked depression of the first viewing - could technically be a type of "enjoyment." Oh, and there was also Doomsday, which I saw in the hopes that Neil Marshall had done it again and critics just didn't get it. (That wasn't the case.)

Add my theater-going tendencies to the fact that I stubbornly think that generally what I think is "good" must fulfill all standards of objective and quantifiable "goodness," and it is extra difficult to get an answer from me.

That said, I suppose there is a little reluctance in admitting that when channel-surfing I will stop on and derive some type of enjoyment from many of the lesser romantic comedies or "chick flicks" when I find them. Examples that come to mind: A Lot Like Love, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, What A Girl Wants, etc. I wish I could pass off this tendency to ogling, but it's just not the case.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 23, 2009 4:05 PM

Weekend at Bernie's 2. Granted I was 10 years old.

I loved the everloving shit out of it though.

Posted by: groovekiller at September 23, 2009 4:07 PM

Obsessed. The fight scene was worth the money though, I think.

Posted by: Candy at September 23, 2009 4:17 PM

See, I mostly save the shameful movies for watching in the privacy of my own home--usually on a night when the Main Squeeze is out, so this was a challenge. On top of which, since my movie going has definitely dropped off in the past several (9?) years, it was extra challenging with the 5-year limit.

HOWEVER, I found one.

Stick It.

But you know, it kind of doesn't count. Because I'm just not that embarrassed to admit it.

Now a certain Heigl rom-com despised by many, if not most, Pajibans, well that, would totally count; except, I was wise enough to see it on DVD.

Posted by: tamatha at September 23, 2009 4:30 PM

The Good Son.

full price. opening night.

Posted by: delurked at September 23, 2009 4:31 PM

GI Joe and Transformers II. My son loved them. Things blew up. Cool stunts. Great special effects. I think at work all day. Sometime I just want to see things blow up.

Posted by: Steph at September 23, 2009 4:42 PM

Tamatha

I freakishly love Stick It. Because the little chick does a breakdancing thing on the BALANCE BEAM and it is awesome. And the rest of the movie makes me giggle and cheer and . . . whatever. I like it. I refuse to be ashamed.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at September 23, 2009 5:00 PM

Continuing my long tradition of watching Bad Movies For Love, My Bloody Valentine.

Jensen Ackles was worth it. Oh yes.

Posted by: minorblue at September 23, 2009 5:06 PM

White Chicks.

Shut up. I can't hear you laughing.

Posted by: Samantha at September 23, 2009 5:12 PM

Confessions of a Shopaholic. I knew that it was not going to be a brainbuster, politically correct, smart construction of gender, or anything snarky. And I loved the hell out of it. Hugh Dancy alone was worth the price of admission--twice.

Posted by: bonnie at September 23, 2009 5:24 PM

Like Julie said above, I don't pay to see secret shames in the theater. Last one I paid to see was "Dude, Where's My Car?" and I enjoyed it (glad to see I'm not alone, Melody!).

But on Netflix, my biggest secret shame would be "Repo: The Genetic Opera."

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 23, 2009 5:33 PM

Death to Smoochy. This is a bad movie. It has Robin Williams wearing a rainbow suit. It has Edward Norton in a purple rhino costume. Catherine Keener is in it and she is better than this. Hell, we're ALL better than this. It's surreal because I think I saw it on cable shortly after watching American History X. I treasure it.

Posted by: greer at September 23, 2009 5:52 PM

Mama Mia, the sing-a-long version.

Sister and I went.
We sang our hearts out, if only to drown out Pierce Bronsnan.
When we walked out, Sister said, "That was terrible."
And I said, "Yeah, but I enjoyed the hell out of it."

Posted by: BWeaves at September 23, 2009 5:52 PM

I've watched the Wizard's of Waverly Place movie 4 times since it first aired (yes, I DVR'd it).

Posted by: Barabajagalla at September 23, 2009 6:06 PM

Any movie that promises me some sort of sci-fi-idea content gets me, no matter how terrible the movie actually is.

If it involves concepts like time travel, futuristic dystopias, sentient robots, or scenes that take place on spacecraft...I'm there paying money to see it.

So yeah, I go see movies like "the Island" and "Butterfly Effect", hoping for the best. Sigh.

Posted by: Jacktrade at September 23, 2009 6:22 PM

I took my little grandsom to see Bolt in 3D. I liked it more than he did.

Posted by: Arkansan at September 23, 2009 6:37 PM

Spice World.

Keep fucking that chicken.

Posted by: Brittany at September 23, 2009 6:43 PM

I've said it before, I'll say it again: escapism is my drug of choice. Anything that suspends my reality for a time usually gets a pass from me. That being said: Transformers II. I enjoyed the hell out of that movie, despite Megan Fox.

And for the other poor souls that have been mesmerized by Twilight, I didn't see it in theatre but I went out and bought it the day it came out on DVD. Blu-ray. Sparklin', emo-vamps in high-def, bitches! Yeah, it's like crack.

Posted by: Eyvi at September 23, 2009 6:46 PM

Black Christmas

Posted by: NeoCleo at September 23, 2009 7:01 PM

Seed of Chucky

Posted by: zito at September 23, 2009 7:41 PM

*sigh* Mamma Mia. I freakin' hate Abba, but damned if I didn't enjoy that silly piece of fluff quite heartily.

I almost said He's Just Not That Into You, until I noticed that we were talking about secret shames that we enjoyed in spite of their horribleness. That movie I did not enjoy.

Posted by: meaux at September 23, 2009 8:37 PM

Zoolander, because it's just so stupid, and Love Actually because I'm a sucker for an ensemble cast, even this one.

Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at September 23, 2009 8:49 PM

Shoot, I guess the most recent would have been the Sex and the City movie, but I went into it thinking that I would think it was good (regardless of what all those other people out there who have good taste in movies might think), so does that count?

Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at September 23, 2009 9:00 PM

Step Brothers. Fuck you, that Funny Or Die Insurance companies ad is genius. I was crying in the theater. Not a repeat-rewarder, but my gut was busted the first time.

Phoebe In Wonderland. A movie more for the chicks, but really fantastic. For those with morbid curiosities and a propensity to relieve tension through laughter, you should be well pleased. It's not medically accurate, but a driving story nonetheless.


If we can delve into queues, I was incredibly surprised by Europa (Zentropa) by Lars Von Trier. Way better than anything else he's done, and all I have left of his are The Idiots.

Posted by: Jackseppelin at September 23, 2009 9:31 PM

Ahhahahahha! benjamin, I totally bought I Know Who Killed Me on DVD (though I didn't see it in a theater; I rented it first). It is AMAZING in its badness. It totally owns its badness. It works its badness. It is FIERCE in its badness. It's the Tyra Banks of bad movies.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 23, 2009 9:35 PM

I have a few competing for the spot and I suck at decisions so, in no particular order:

Bablyon A.D. - Why cant Vin make a decent movie? I have manlove for him.
Doomsday - Was it just me or did it not have a compelling trailer? Probably just me /shame.
Wolverine - Against all advice from friends and family, I had to do it, and even though I should have trusted those people, I was STILL surprised by how awful it was. Ugh.

Honorable mention (ok fine I admit it, I'm just using the excuse to hate on some movies):
Pirates 3

Posted by: StepDown at September 23, 2009 9:52 PM

Twilight. It was a free screening at my college, but I went, and it was a theater. I laughed the ENTIRE time, and so did everyone else.

Posted by: DawnDraper at September 23, 2009 11:06 PM

Some of you are really missing the point or are terrible at reading comprehension.
I agree with,
Silent Hill and MBV but horror movies are too easy a fit for this, almost cheating...how about
The Goods - went into that expecting not to laugh and I did the whole time, but it ws pretty lame, can't wait to see it again.

Posted by: DanR at September 23, 2009 11:16 PM

I could nominate Pirates of the Caribbean: the last one that I took my daughter to, but that at least had eye candy appeal. The real dark everybitasbadasyoucanimagine secret shame was….Doom. My wife and kids were up north visiting family, I was home all day with nothing to do, there was nothing on and I felt like 90 minutes in a theatre. I had seen a couple of The Rock’s action flicks and thought he might pack enough presence to carry it off, but I doubt anyone could have saved that camp-free, sub-sub-sub-Aliens ripoff. That film truly was the shit that shit would shit if shit could shit.

In good news for film making quality, I was the only person in the theatre so it seems there is a least a floor for stupid that most audiences won’t visit.

Posted by: Squirrelgripper at September 24, 2009 12:33 AM

Dumb & Dumber

Please don't hate me. I was 17 and stupid.

Posted by: eiluj at September 24, 2009 12:42 AM

I saw and thoroughly enjoyed 2 Fast 2 Furious and Fast and Furious in theaters. At least twice for each. At least I was only 14 when 2 Fast 2 Furious came out, that's an excuse. I was almost 20 for the more recent one though... What can I say, Paul Walker is an absolutely horrible actor but he has the most beautiful blue eyes. Plus, I almost never see stupid action movies, so it's where I get my occasional shiny special effects and blowing up and pretty cars.

Posted by: Spoons at September 24, 2009 3:11 AM

Step Brothers and Talladega Nights (which I thought was in theaters more than 5 years ago, but it's only been out since 2006, which just goes to show you how much I've watched that movie in the past 3 years). I know, Will Ferrell hasn't really been funny since Anchorman. But when he and John C. Reilly work together...it's magic.

Posted by: Bethany at September 24, 2009 3:28 AM

Dragon Wars

Hmm Korean CGI, how bad can it really be?

AAAAAAGH!!!! My brain!!!!

(But, I stayed and watched the whole thing...)

Posted by: Adam C at September 24, 2009 5:17 AM

I'm going to put up Death Race for myself, hopefully tipping the scales away from Twilight. Death Race actually deserves to be a cult classic. I talked shit about it the whole time, but god damn it was worth the oblig shirtless scene. I'm sorry, but a hot piece of ass is irresistible. What did Twilight have? A bunch of whiny emos waiting for marriage. barf.

Posted by: VentureSister at September 24, 2009 7:35 AM

It's said more and more celebrities have their profiles on a great millionaire dating site____W e a l t h y S o c i a l . C O M_______ . The best club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs...You should check it out!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted by: nancy at September 24, 2009 10:29 AM

White Chicks is an amazing movie. I have watched it so many times (although, to me credit, only when someone else suggested it and I have never PAID

Posted by: biscuit at September 24, 2009 8:11 PM

White Chicks is an amazing movie. I have watched it so many times (although, to me credit, only when someone else suggested it and I have never PAID to watch it) and reading this thread convinced me to go buy the fricking dvd when i finally scrape together the $5-10 it is unsurprisingly always on sale for.

I'm not sure if this actually counts as "secret shame" as I neither keep my love secret nor am i ashamed, but Just Friends. My god, every time I watch it, it gets better. I don't care for Amy Smart, but Ryan Reynolds is genius. Christ. I have so much love for that movie. I have quoted it so much that even those who have never watched it now know it by heart. It was bashed on here a while ago, though really? Can't beat Anna Faris AND Ryan Reynolds together.

And Yes, no typos at all, I just start talking like a pirate when I think about black guys pretending to be...(wait for it)...white chicks.

Posted by: biscuit at September 24, 2009 8:18 PM

I don't know if anyone's still reading this but DemonWaterPolo, I am so with you. Every single time that damn Legally Blonde movie is on tv (which is weekly) I will stop what I'm doing and watch all the way through...I don't know if it's residual childhood love leftover from Reese in Man in the Moon or what, but she is undeniably adorable in this and I can't ever stop watching...

Posted by: tinmo at September 24, 2009 9:20 PM

Ok this so doesn't count, because it's not even a movie and therefore was never even in a theater, but I feel the need to purge...this summer I spent almost every weekend at my friend's lakehouse, which mostly involved going out on the boat all day and listening to 60's and 70's music on a kick ass stereo system while getting completely wasted...but one night this summer we all came back to the house and turned on the damn Disney channel for the kids and all of us (adults over the age of 30) got completely engrossed in an extended episode of iCarly (the one where she fights that girl in the ring). And I LOVED IT. We all did.

Posted by: tinmo at September 24, 2009 9:37 PM

Ok so obviously I'm drunk off this six dollar white merlot.

Posted by: tinmo at September 24, 2009 9:40 PM

The Holiday. I saw it twice. Twice. In the theater.

Posted by: Candace at September 25, 2009 3:38 AM

Batman Forever. I don't give a damn about the haters, but this film is better than Batman Returns.

Posted by: Corey W. at September 27, 2009 11:14 PM





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