Pajiba

As an teenager, I had a nervous breakdown and stabbed my brother through his bedroom door. I just cut the top of his ear, but still...

I'm not one for breaking the law. My bads are existential.

Are ethically questionable misdemeanors allowed? Not that I'm gonna share them with you. I'm Sofi of Calcuta in this site, and I plan to keep it that way. That's just how morally superior people roll.

Driving on a road trip to check out a school and cheating on my girlfriend. A lot. For 5 days straight. Like a bunny on X. With a man.
And having the audacity to call my girlfriend every evening to check in and telling her I loved her. I never even made it to the school.

Me and a few friends were sitting around on mushrooms, when we decided it would be a good idea to break into the house next door.

so we did that, then we pretty much destroyed everything inside, I remember whipping billard balls at a 3foot high procelain cat piggy bank. We emptied out the beer fridge and left.

But a few hours later, paranoia started to creep up on us, so we went back, broke in a second time, and cleaned the entire place. I'm pretty sure we even washed the floors.

also, when i was a nine, i hated wearing dresses. really, really, hated it. one day my parents forced me to wear one to a wedding. i stormed up to my room, took a thick, dark marker and wrote, "i fucking hate you" multiple times, all over the dress. then i strode down the stairs like joan collins, toward my impatient family.

that was the last time my parents told me what to wear.

Celery

I think I love you. That is awesome.

1. Pushed one of my grandmother's ducks in the pond.

2. Peeked while playing hide and seek.

3. Sneaked a bite of baked potatoes while my father blessed the food.

4. Given so many blow jobs since I was 14 that I couldn't even begin to count them (I was determined to technically stay a virgin 'til college. Plus, my mouth can't get pregnant).

Going on 50 and I've never done anything bad or anything that I regret. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. (Puts false teeth back in and drinks a clamato and beer float.)

The only really bad thing I've ever done was shoplifting when I was younger. I stole five VHS tapes from Sam Goody when I was 12, at the same time. I stole from B. Dalton constantly, and also from Barnes & Noble.

Almost everything I stole: PORN

It was before the internet made free porn so damn accessible. I got a real high off of it, though.

I also used to have a huge voyeuristic streak. I won't go into detail, but I only got caught once, and that was the end of that.

I was driving down the highway on my way back to my university, and I had just finished eating a banana. I didn't have a designated bag for trash handy in the car, and I wasn't in the mood to pull over to dispose of the peel.

I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a car a few hundred yards behind me. In one of my more inspired moments, I wondered what it would be like to play Mario Kart in real life. I hesitated, but ultimately I could not resist. I rolled down my window and tossed the peel up into the air. It landed in the lane directly behind me, and the car drove over it.

I was disappointed to find that the car did not spin out.

This may not be 'the worst thing ever' in terms of criminality, but it's the thing that haunts me and verifies my true weaknesses on a daily basis. When I turned six, I lived in a neighborhood where everyone of the same age would be invited to the birthday party, regardless of politics, economics or other petty rules.I had taken it into my head to hate on the boy across the street and when he showed up at my door,in his white shirt, bow tie, neatly pressed black pants holding the requisite gift wrapped present, I screamed "I hate you!" and ran out of the house and sat in the alley in my party dress and cried.My mother, for reasons that remain beyond my ken to this day, came and found me and instead of whipping my butt, cajoled me into returning to my 6th birthday party, with the insulting (and no doubt grieviously injured) boy from across the street in attendance.I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that moment of pure and undiluted selfishness, so Chris B. if you're still out there, I'm truly sorry.

I once threw a paring knife across the room at my brother. I intended to hit the wall behind him, but since I have such lousy aim, when I *try* to miss something, I naturally hit it. Got him in the temple. Gad, that was a lot of blood. I was freaking out. It wasn't deep at all, no stitches required, just cleaned him up and he was fine (and a hell of a lot calmer than I was. Probably because he wasn't the one who would get in trouble). I think I was 16 or 17, which puts him around 13-14. that's the worst thing.

Next worst is when I was working at the drugstore in my town, I think I was also 17ish. This girl I knew from school used to come in and steal stuff all the time, and I was essentially an accomplice. One time around Christmas she came in and walked out with literally a full shopping cart for like $25. Including several cartons of cigarettes. Granted, those were cheaper then, but still. She was one of the "cool kids" (read: delinquents) and I think I was trying to impress her leading up to that point. That, however, was the point at which I realized I didn't care to impress her. Funnily enough, I very rarely stole anything for myself. Maybe an eyeliner or two, or a lipstick.

Why did I know Skitz' entry would include the words "shot a man"?

I used to steal quarters from the petty cash supply my mom kept in her office. I used them to play Super Mario Bros. at the 7-11 across the street. I did this a lot.

Oh, and my mom's office? In a church.

Wow. I usually don't go here without having some drinks in me. Here goes:

Got an OWI a couple of years ago after a company nhappy hour. I take cabs now and will not be repeating that move.

Arrested for B&E and assault but pleaded down to harassment. I was at my girlfriend's house drunk and was upset to find her with someone else. I made it home before the cops came to get me, hence ducking the drunk driving charge on that one.

Slept with a friend's girlfriend just because I could. That was admittedly an uber-douche move.

Cheated on most of my girlfriends, usually with one or more ex-girlfriends.

I'm pretty sure there is a mental block on some stuff too.

I'm married now but my 20's were a bit like being in a cyclone at times. I got married right out of college to my first real girlfriend, we were divorced less that 2 years later, and I took it poorly. I didn't really get my shit together until I hit about 28 to tell the truth.

Fantasized about fucking Pookie.

Posted by: courtney 2 at January 21, 2009 3:31 PM

That made me laugh SO FUCKING HARD.

As for me, in high school while I was driving with a group of friends a trash bag appeared in the middle of the busy road we were on. I couldn't swerve around it, so I tried to drive over it where it wouldn't touch my tires. That didn't work of course, and the bag exploded, sending hundreds of cans into the air and all over the road. Mortified I sped off to my friends, where we laughed for about half an hour before heading back out. We passed where I ran over the bag, and two old ladies were cleaning up the mess...and I didn't pull over to help. I was too embarrassed.

It's not crazy bad or anything, but I still feel bad that I didn't stop to help. They were so old!

Other than that I have nothing...never broke the law, and I was a pretty good kid. Catholic guilt and all.

I got caught shoplifting yesterday from a consignment store after I'd lost my wallet. No Regrets! As an anti-capitalist I have never felt bad stealing from stores, especially overpriced consignment which is total bullshit in the first place. From people is a different deal.

One time I was catsitting and the cat got sick. I didn't tell anyone. Hopefully its still alive?

I think you people who feel bad for shoplifting shouldn't be so hard on yourselves. Most of the time it hurts no one.

I left our bedroom door open and my 11 yr old daughter walked in and caught me full blown cowgirl. No hiding from that!

Oh God, that is so awesome. Not for your daughter of course, but HEE. It's the cowgirl that makes it art.

I have come very, very close to screwing my fiance's best friend. This despite the fact that my fiance is completely devoted to me and would be totally wrecked if such a thing were to happen. He's also clearly a better man - and I don't mean his friend is like a lovable loser and my fiance is perfect on paper, I mean he's genuinely loyal, sweet, fun and intelligent, and his friend is a drunk who lives in his mother's basement and comes onto anything with tits. Can't explain it at all. I guess that's kind of lame, because I HAVEN'T done it, but it makes me feel incredibly guilty that I'm apparently so easy.

Yeah, Merideth. Shopping hurts no one. Except for me--the person who actually pays for shit. Because they build the loss into the price of all the other shit.

Plus when you steal from a consignment store, you are stealing from a "person". The person who has consigned their stuff to the store. The store takes half and the "person" gets the other half. That's why their called Consignment Stores. dipshit.

I am such a goody two shoes...I've haven't done much that hurt people. I did rat out my brother to my mom a couple of times, but I maintain that he deserved it for being a little shit on occasion. The SO and I used to regularly steal muffins and donuts from Kroger. We'd fill a bag or two and then go buy a coffee at the starbucks station. The Starbucks people assume you've already paid for the donuts, and the managers assume you paid for them with the coffee. We did this two or three times a week at least, never even came close to getting caught.
And while I myself don't usually break the law, I do tend to date guys with criminal histories. (but nice guys, I swear. He only beat that guy up 'cause he was picking on a little dude. And he wasn't stealing the car, he was just joyriding...)

During the summer break when I was in college I worked at this retirement home/condo development on the night shift as front lobby receptionist. One night I get a call from the daughter of one of the residents to go and check on her mother, long story short, her mother was fine, she took the phone off the hook and took a nap. I called her daughter and told her that her mother was sleeping and that everything was fine. Later on that night the daughter shows up to check on her mother, and to thank me for making sure her mother was fine. About two in the morning the daughter comes down stairs and we start talking, I swear the next thing I know I'm eating this forty something year old broad out in one of the entertainment rooms. She had one of the most sweetest pussies I've ever tasted. We did it a couple of more times before the summer ended.

I once hit an old woman with my truck. I should feel worse about that but I wasn't going more than 3 mph and the old bitch shouldn't have walked in front of me. My regrets are on a smaller, more personal level. I broke a prom date with a sophomore when I was a senior after spending the better part of two weeks convincing her that I wouldn't break the date. The hell of it was I liked her better and only broke the date in the hopes of getting laid. Fittingly, I didn't get anywhere near laid that night.

Cheated on Mrs. Bullet and a friend dimed me out because he had designs on my wife. I'll have another "worst thing" to report should I ever see him again. The upshot is that now we have an open marriage and it was her idea. On the other hand, I'm not sure if I won or lost in that exchange.

Somehow, Pookie, I knew yours would be along those lines.

Probably the worst thing legally was:
Cheated in an exam when I was in school by putting notes in my bra (and read them in 'toilet breaks'). I reasoned that the Lord didn't give me DD's for nothing.
Strangely enough I actually got 100% on the exam I didn't cheat on, and about 80% on the one I did.

Worst thing morally:
Broke the legs of my big sister's special Ballroom Barbie when I tried to make her do the box splits like my Gymnastic Barbie could. Then somehow I managed to make our mum feel sorry for me because I was so upset about it when I got yelled at by my sister.
I was evil genius when I was 7.

I was really good at getting my brothers in trouble when we were all little. All I had to do is piss the one off until he flew off the handle and hit me, then I'd go crying to daddy, and he'd get a spanking. I was pretty evil that way.

I also cheated at Monopoly. Blatantly.

But probably the thing I really regret is the way I broke up with the guy I dated at the end of high school. He seriously freaked me out, so I kinda... just stopped talking to him. I still feel bad about it, even though we're friends now. And I still wonder if he knows why I did that, but I'm afraid to ask because I'm not sure if I'll feel worse if he does know or if he doesn't.

I don't think I've ever done anything really illegal, so I guess I'm pretty lame. All that good Catholic guilt I had growing up.

I've occasionally stolen a paperback or two from a bookstore. I also swiped a can of Red Bull every other shift I worked at a supermarket back during my high school years. It's one of the things you learn when shoplifting small stuff from a big chain: the workers usually aren't paid enough to care, and the alarms are reserved for expensive or high-tech items.

In terms of actual legal trouble, I once got pulled over for speeding, but I managed to get off with a verbal warning.

Snath believe me, that was more of the very mild shit I've done in my life. I could tell you some stories that would make you change your religion. Snath, I am a monster, and the good thing about pajiba is that I have anonymity.

OOH!! I forgot one! It was accidental, but still.

I peed on someone in my sleep.

When I was 9 years old, my family went to the shore with my dad's best friend and his family. In the middle of the night, I "woke up" having to pee. I remember clearly walking past my parents and my dad's friends, who were giving me strange looks, and walking into the bathroom. I proceeded to pull down my underwear, pee, and go back to bed. All is right with the world.

Except. When I woke up that next morning, my mother informed me that I did indeed pee, but instead had sleepwalked through the living room, into the friends' 13 year-old son's bedroom, pulled down my panties, sat on him, and peed. All over him. As he slept.

I am awesome in every way.

I had a bit of a shoplifting bug as well. I was caught trying to lift some cupcakes from a gas station next door to my church on a Sunday. Luckily for me, my mother didn't feel any "ass-whoopin'" urges that day.

The worst yet technically legal thing I did was inquire that my high school history teacher (one of my favorites actually) was on her period as a reason she was so pissed. She passed away in 2007, while undergoing fertility treatments of all things, so it sucks doubly hard.

When I was in college, my best friend and I met a guy who sort of latched on to us, would show up at our apartment without calling -- had no real sense of social boundaries. He was annoying and we couldn't figure out how to get rid of him. Also, he was really self-righteous about the fact that he would never sleep with a girl on the first date because he "respected women and respected himself" and didn't want to sleep with someone until he was sure it was Love. Obviously, we thought he was gay.

So then I had this idea that the best way to get rid of him would be for one of us to sleep with him and then afterwards "regret it" and then it would be so awkward we couldn't hang out anymore. She agreed, but added as a further challenge, if we could get him to break his vow and have sex on the first night, then it would be super-cool (cuz nothing is as fun as destroying someone's lifelong value system). To decide which of us would do it, we flipped a coin. I won (or lost, depending on how you look at it) and duly set the plan in motion. I got him drunk, slept with him and the next day told him I was still in love with my ex.

And that is the worst thing I ever did. And the worst thing is it didn't even work, because he still kept showing up at the apartment, crying, wanting to "talk about it" and "save the friendship." Gay...

You people are horrible! Horrible! shame on you! and you! and specially you! Have a fun time in HELL!

"We were caught, of course."

Amateurs. Doing stupid stuff is easy. Getting away with stupid stuff takes some talent.

Bluto / Otter '12
"I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part. "

Oh! Just thought of another hilarious and disgusting one.

I have no shame, so this is going to be really gross.

I was 10 or 11 and traveling through the Black Hills with my family. We were driving around some state park, I don't remember which, and it was taking forever to get back to the entrance, where the bathrooms were located. I had to take a crap so bad; it is still the most I've ever had to go in my life. I think I held it in for around two hours, literally. I was practically crying by the time we finally pulled back into the rest area. There weren't real bathrooms, just jumped-up porta-johns in their own little wooden shack. I hobbled as fast as I could into the bathroom stall, and before I could even finish sitting down, I basically exploded everywhere. I covered the toilet, the walls, the toilet paper, the floor...etc. It was so fucking disgusting. I didn't know what to do, so I got what paper I could and finished myself, and just left the bathroom the way it was.

When I came out, my dad was waiting right there for me. I tried to pretend it wasn't me and I had found it that way, but there was no way he was going to buy it, so he made me go back in and clean it up as best I could.

Turns out I had a stomach flu, and proceeded to puke and shit my way back across South Dakota. My dad felt like an ass for making me clean it up myself instead of telling someone I was sick. When we got home I totally used it to my advantage.

In another story, some friends of mine, who are brothers, were on a trip with their family in Florida. They stopped at a rest area with two personal unisex bathrooms, and decided to make life miserable for everyone else. They each stood in a circle in their own bathroom and proceeded to piss mightily while spinning in a circle, covering everything. As soon as they were done and waiting on the rest of their family, who had used the restrooms prior to The Great Flooding, a bus filled with inmates pulled up, and they all got out under their guard supervision, and proceeded to line up for the bathroom. The first two guys went in and both came out cursing.

My friends are assholes. At least mine was involuntary.

I was at an outdoor party once in college. I went inside to use the bathroom. I hated the guy holding the party.

I pissed in his ice cube tray and put it back in the freezer.

I'm sorry, Mike.

Sideswiped a parked car with a Volkswagon van I was borrowing and drove away without leaving a note or anything. There was a decent sized dent in the side of the car.

Worked for my dad counting books in the English department during junior high and lied about my hours. And got caught.

Told my friend to get lost so I could talk to my online boyfriend... after I made her buy me a piece of furniture and deliver it to my house.

Told my recent ex to get lost so I could talk to my new BF on the phone.

Stole beer from my parents and lied about it (unsuccessfully).

Called my mom and brother dorks when they picked me up at the airport on my birthday with flowers and balloons. In my defence, I had just come down with a wicked cold and spent the night in a youth hostel. And I hate travelling on my birthday.

Told a grown woman I had just met that she probably couldn't afford my firm's design services.

This is just a sampling of the things I like to torture myself with on a daily basis.

Just remembered,

I once made my Dutch teacher drink from the loo. For some reason unfathomable to me, I was his favourite. This annoyed me, since I got picked on by the other kids for being the teacher's pet. When he made me fetch him a glass of water, I decided to scoop it from the toilet rather then get it from the tap. Very excited about my cunning plan, I made the fatal mistake of telling a classmate. This act understandably created some unrest in the class, and when asked what the fuss was about, my classmate blurted out I'd given him toilet water. He must have thought I was full of shit, because he then proceeded to take a big swig from the glass, defiantly looking me in the eye.

Dude totally drank from the crapper!

I feel like I'm writing a teacher torture manual here, but the other thing we did made my French teacher cry. It was the dead of winter, minus 10 degrees Celsius and it had been snowing. During our lunch break we turned her intire car into a solid ice cube, by covering it with snow, pressing it down and even pouring water over it. After school we hid in the bicycle racks and watched as she completely lost her shit. She couldn't have been very popular because at least 5 teachers saw us do it and didn't intervene...

I threatened every single guy I knew that was auditioning for a production of Brigadoon. I put the word out that something bad might happen to guys auditioning for my part. For the two idiots that did show up, I offered them some really thick chocolate bars to fuck up their vocal audition; being clueless idiots, they accepted. That meant I was the only one that could sing the part for the show at the auditions, which resulted in me having the part I wanted.

Of course, I would later be told I would have had the lead if anyone else could have sung my part. Win some, lose some.

Hooboy. Haven't told anybody this one. At all. This is a perfect confession booth for this little ex-Catholic, so...thanks for that.

I got married (fairly young) to my first and only. My spouse treats me amazingly well, and we have a very happy marriage.

So, last year I was working out of town for a while. On my last night there, I got very, very drunk with a co-worker from another office...and we kind of made out a little (and as we found out the next day, our colleagues in the adjoining room were not quite passed out at the time).

So far, I don't think anyone in my office has heard about this. I'm a little terrified of them finding out, since they all know my spouse, and I hate the thought that this person could be hurt by my stupid actions.

Weird thing is, I still keep in touch with this co-worker. We email back and forth almost daily, and have struck up a pretty good friendship. It's harmless chatting, especially since it's unlikely we'll be working together in the foreseeable future, but it still feels a little bit wrong.

Can I go say my Hail Marys now?

Also on the "wanted to see what would happen" boat, I locked a friend in a room with the lights off once, because she was still afraid of the dark, and I wasn't, and I wanted to find out what she'd do. Or maybe I just wanted to be mean, I don't remember. Anyway, there was crying, then yelling, rightfully, at me.

I also stole for my habit, i.e. stickers. Fucking pearlescent dancing ponies, I had to have them. And at least $50 worth of shiny knickknacks from Butterfly World on Vancouver Island. Also some polished rocks. I was like a magpie.

I was working as a PA on a film in Manhattan. It was my job one day to pick up one of the trucks from the lot, and drive it downtown to the production office. This was on Friday of memorial day so traffic was insane. And I had been stuck in traffic for over three hours. I was mad, frustrated, and just wanted the day over.

I was three blocks from the office when I notice, in the midst of traffic, an empty spot in between a van and a double parked car. I pull up, in front of the double parked car. The light turns red.

I look in my rear-view mirror. I see that the front Parked car - packed to the gills with suitcases, trunks, an empty car-seat - an entire family's life, essentially - is now somehow UNDERNEATH the hull of the truck that i was driving. I had no idea how, but there it was.

The light turns green. I step on the gas.
AND RIP THE FRONT OF THE CAR RIGHT OFF.

And I just kept on going.

someone was about to have the worst summer vacation ever.

As a first grader, I felt threatened a kicked a dude with one nut in the sack.

As around 6th grade as a twelve year old, I was a pitcher. We were playing a team that had 8 guys so we borrowed them a player. My catcher, unknown to me, told him I was going to hit him. Now at that age I threw hard (65-68mph) and I hit him right in the ass.

As a fourteen year old I hit a set of brothers twice in the same game.

At 16, I did a neutral drop in my dad's car and blew out the transmission. Luckily one day was left on the warranty.

The worst was, I was 19 or so, my dad is in a wheelchair and needed the spark plugs changed on his shitty 80 Malibu. You actually had to remove the tires to change the back two plugs on the engine block. After changing the plugs I put the tire back on, hand tightened the lug nuts and forgot to tighten them with an impact wrench. He had to drive my brother to my mom's, 63 miles away, and made it there. On the way back the tire flew off while he was doing 60mph on a single lane road, thankfully he didn't die.

I miss Mr. Gatti's pizza. That is some good shit.

I'm too lazy to do anything really bad. But this one time, when I was working for some place in some podunk town, I manipulated some dumb local dude into killing my husband so I could keep all the drug money I had stolen from him (my husband, that is). I fixed it so I could never be connected to anything illegal and the simp went to prison for murder.

Good times.

Jesus. I've cheated on every girlfriend I've ever had. Had an affair with a friend's wife. Siphoned gas. Stolen. Vandalized. You name it.

The thing I feel worst about is this: Late one night while driving down a desolate road in an un-named western state I threw a bowling ball sized rock through the back window of a car parked on the side of the road. 70 mph + giant rock = destruction. The rear window exploded, as did the front, and I can only imagine what happened to the dash. Later, after the drugs wore off, I was haunted by the thought that maybe the driver had gotten tired and pulled over to sleep a little. It was the 80's in the wild west and that shit happened. I read the papers for weeks to make sure I didn't accidentally kill somebody.

Fucking car was destroyed, though, and I'm still bothered by it.

Ooh...where to start? You said "worst", right? I'd say having an affair with a married man (+ 2 kids) qualifies. And yes, I knew beforehand that he was married.

I've done other things I'm not proud of, but that was probably my bitchiest.

I don't know if this is the worst thing I've ever done, but in college, I was pulled over by a cop at 10:30 on a Sunday night.... and subsequently arrested for giving my under-21 (by 3 months) boyfriend beer (an open case was in the backseat). I was arrested, he was taken into protective custody, and after a long process involving a very inadequate lawyer who got me off on a technicality, my record was expunged.

I only think this qualifies as "the worst thing I've done" because I am now an educator...w ho was once arrested for giving alcohol to a minor. (Needless to say, my employer does not know.)

I didn't fly out to my grandpa's funeral when I was 18 in order to call in sick from work, have the house to myself and screw my girlfriend.

At 16, a sweet younger girl with a crush kept following me around and calling me. One night when she called, I put my hand over the speaker and told my mom to yell at me to get off the phone because it was so-and-so again. She heard every word. She turned cold, hung up, never spoke to me again.

At 16, for a flicker of a moment I had the opportunity to kill my not-brother, and didn't. I still don't know if I did the right thing. I'd have to be far drunker than I've been in years to tell that iceberg of a story.

During college I stubbornly finished my degree instead of transferring, despite being borderline suicidal and chronically depressed because I couldn't let the school beat me.

Spending the first half of my twenties at the bottom of a bottle because I had no capacity to deal with hating the course of my life.

Getting engaged to the first girl I slept with.

Treating my best friend from high school like shit everytime I saw him during college, because I hated and resented him for liking college.

But I have no regrets, because for all the pain, my mistakes are mine. The qualities that make us horrible are inseparable from the qualities that make us great.

I was involved in two (count 'em, two) hit and runs. I don't really feel bad about that but I think it does make me a felon.

I also drive high a lot, which I'm actually pretty good at. I don't drive drunk anymore, but I always felt like an ASSHOLE when I did. MADD really knows what they're talking about, yo.

Anyway, the thing I am most ashamed of is when I was 17 my parents weren't going to let me spend the night at a friend's house, so I threw a BITCH FIT ROYALE about how upset it made me that they didn't trust me, blah blah blah. Suffice to say they let me go (I was a persuasive little bitch), but I never had any intentions to go where I told them I was going.

Instead I went to a different friend's house and tripped acid.

Ooops.

"One time I stole a pair of red panties from the store because my mom wouldn't buy them for me. She said they were Satan's panties!"

You know, Julie you have to pay extra for that in most places.

I've just been reviewing, and the LIST of things that can count as the Worst Thing, is pretty damned long. No murder and I've never harmed a child.

Short of that will have to wait for my memoirs.

Other than my above comment, when I was in 3rd grade, my entire class reduced our teacher to tears by being obnoxious little shits. Her father had just died.

I've also fooled around with a guy (he was cheating on his girlfriend) several times, including after he married the girl (who was pregnant). But I don't feel bad about it. I really couldn't stand the girl, and the guy, well, we had been involved before for a short time, and he was a jerk to me during that time. Plus he owed me tons of money. Like thousands. Still does. I'm still fighting the urge to tell his wife all about it. WIth details. She works a half block away from me, so it wouldn't be difficult. I would have no problem ruining their lives. I have no heart.

Where should I begin? The worst thing I did...hmmmm...I wrote a letter to one of my good friend's in high school explaining why she sucks. She never spoke to me again, so on the senior trip I made out with one of the guys she was into. Yeah, we were both pretty slutty then. She really went apeshit on me during our last semester in h.s. and would call me a bitch to my face, but I took it pretty well and ignored her most of the time. I had sex in a bathroom once with a sort of stranger...actually I think his dick missed me and maybe he just jerked himself off between my legs or something . That's pretty bad in my book to this day. Another worst thing...well, I think I haven't done anything I regret recently. The caliber of my wrong shit can be pretty bad too, haha!

I broke 9 of the 10 commandments before I was 21.

I have never cheated on someone while I was dating, but have slept with women who were married or engaged.

I've done some time on the county dime.

I replayed Major League Baseball games without express written consent, only implied oral consent.

I have made more women cry from things I've said than Oprah, which is why my friends call me the Prime Minister of Tact.

By the time I turned 24 and had what I call either a nervous breakdown or religious experience (if I believed in them), I was a pretty bad dude. Since then, I will still fuck up once in a while. But since I've gone legit, I look back and feel quite guilty.

Nowadays, I'm settled and a pretty decent guy. But I too have fantasized about Pookie and as for Julie....that is a talent that will get you at least an additional 50 per trick. I'm sure you will be the Belle of the Ball if you go to SXSW.

Let me just preface my comment with the statement that I do not make a habit of killing hitch-hikers. Nor did I on this occassion plan to kill the hitch-hiker and...

Forget it. I've changed my mind.

Well, a friend of mine still embarrassed about some of these events wishes to remain anonymous. In high school he punched an elementary student in the head, ostracized a perfectly nice girl because everyone else was, held ignorant religiously fundamentalist views and freely shared them in a most bigoted way, curses people freely, willfully hurt or injured his brothers unprovoked a couple times, and drove tired a couple times, thankfully not causing any harm. He also got pulled over for running an inconvenient stop sign, speeds frequently, caused a traffic accident that injured his youngest brother (but not seriously), and still uses porn occasionally in spite of being happily married (and got caught online by his mother as a teenager). No theft (unless movie downloads count) or criminal activity, but lots to be ashamed of.

As a group we're some seriously fucked up, sick wackos. Yet at the same time, we can be pretty damn awesome. I hope that godtopus issues a blanket pardon for this great pajiba-fession time..

I don't know why nobody else has said it, but I frequently spend hours on pajiba on company time (although in my case it doesn't often interfere...)

Probably because wasting time on Pajiba isn't even in the top ten worst things I've done at work, let alone in my life.

I have no idea why I am compelled to share personal information on a site I very rarely post on. Probably because as a Jew I dont get the catharsis of the confessional.

And here we go!

When I was a freshman in college, I started dating a girl who was three years younger... I think I only did it because she had a brain tumor and all of our friends knew she was going to die in six to twelve months.

Instead of dying from cancer (she had apparently lied about that little tid bit) she got kicked out of her parents house. I ended up taking on a fucked up lover / parent relationship with her wherein I spent a lot of energy making sure she didn't kill herself.

Long story short, I ended up sleeping with two of her best friends the day we broke up. She owed me a lot of money by that point so she ended up 'working it off' for the next year or so. Her idea, not mine.

I still felt like shit for a good long while.

When I was three, my family moved to Kenya. On the first day of an international pre-school, sitting on a tricycle, I spotted another kid on a small wooden locomotive. As the locomotive was way cooler than my red tricycle, I tried to convince the kid to swap, which didn't really work out. I tried to reason with him again and again, he just looked at me blankly. Apparently I lost my patience and hit the kid over the head with a rock and he had to go to hospital. Got the wooden locomotive though.

This would be a good moment to explain that I'm from Holland and I'd been talking Dutch to an English speaking kid all the time.

You can imagine how my mom felt when she picked me up after a day unpacking moving boxes and being told this...

The problem, Joe, is that I find it incredibly hard to look someone in the eye and lie. Made adultery a real bitch with that little affliction. Fortunately, my ex is a clueless douchy mama's boy. Yes, add public insult to injury. My bad.

Probably when I set fire to my dorm freshman year.

Hope the statute of limitations has run out cause here's the backstory:

My roommate and I didn't particularly get along, I think primarily because I studied and he partied. He left after first semester and never came back.

But I digress.

The dorm was built as a square with a concrete courtyard in the middle. We lived on the fifth floor. One day roomie walked in, set fire to a piece of paper and dropped it in a plastic trash can. I jumped off the bed, grabbed the paper and threw it out the window. "What the hell are you trying to do, burn the place down?" I said. "What the hell did YOU do that for?" he said.

We looked at each other, then looked out the window. The paper, still burning, slowly floated down, then got sucked into a window on a lower floor. "Holy shit!" we probably exclaimed together. We ran down a hallway and around a corner so we could see smoke rolling out of the window below, about the time the fire alarm went off.

It burned a hole in someone's bed.

We never got caught for it.

I haven't done anything that qualifies as "Worst."

Oh, as long as we're breaking them down criminally and morally: When I was 18 I screwed a 42-year-old married woman. Who was my boss at my summer job. Twice. In my house, in my bed, while mom and dad were on vacation.

Not bad for me, of course, but when I had to quit and go back to school she cried.

I was stationed down south at a training command. The command ran four shifts/12 hours each, so you were kind of limited to who you could hang out with. Me and my two roommates were on one shift. A guy 6 hours behind us lived in the same shitty housing complex. The guy was a terrible mess of a drunk. Every time we would get off of work, he would be half a bottle through EverClear, slamming his fists against our front door to get in and hang out. He was really disliked by many people at the command because he was in such a free fall and it was expected he would either choke to death on his vomit or have a DUI. We put up with him because we were sorry for him (He had walked in on his father screwing his wife right before he left for bootcamp and he still couldn't come to turns with it). Well it got to the point that he would drink so much, that he would pass out on our floor and piss/shit himself. Finally one day, I came up with an idea to drive home the point that his behavior was dangerous. I waited for him to pass out, right on cue, and went the fridge. I grab a frozen hotdog, slipped a condom on it and stuck it up his ass, and pull the dog out, leaving the condom up there.

Next morning I get up to grab an eye opener (I myself was a functional drunk as well at the time) and I see the individual just starring at the wall while sitting on the couch. When I asked him if he wanted a beer, he shouted no and walked out. He never hung out at our place again...or talked to us for that matter...

Over the years, I felt really bad...I guess since technically I raped him with food. Well I was finally able to track him down (I was in a field in the military that is pretty small). I asked to meet with him, fully expecting to either be assaulted or sued. While he was glad he had not been raped in his past out state, it ended up being the last time he ever touched alcohol.In fact, he pretty much turned his life around. He had gotten out of the military and was a preacher and did drug and alcohol consuling. He ended up thanking me. It was a pretty weird scene...

Its either that or placing an advertisement offering money for used Christmas trees in a local paper around the last week of January with only an address (No phone number) for my buddy's house. He ended up with a pile of trees at least ten feet high in his front yard.

Stole a PC from my old work. Just slipped it in the backpack and walked out with it. I was amazed how easy it was to steal and then how heavy it was to carry home.

This is the first time I have ever posted on the site despite visiting on a near daily basis. I read the comments up to about 5pm then skipped to the end to post.

I have stolen around $20,000 worth of bedding and towels and home furnishings from a store I worked at. I also stole thousands of dollars worth of food from wal-mart during college because I was poor.

I have set multiple animals on fire while they were alive. They were only mice though, and they were stuck to some surprisingly flammable glue traps.

I went into the locker room at summer camp and stole all the money out of every wallet i could find. The other kids were all enjoying "free swim."

Those are the worst but by no means is that all of it. I feel no remorse, especially for the shoplifting. I too am an anti-capitalist. The thing I am most ashamed of is the whole "animal burning" thing.

Wow. The nighttime really did bring out the crazies...

I told my 11 year-old sister that the divorce was all her fault, and then I locked her out of the house, and watched her run around screaming and crying and banging on the windows for me to let her back in.

Posted by: Lauren at January 21, 2009 4:15 PM

Missed this the first time around, but Lauren is clearly one of my people.

Late to the game, but I'm still contributing. While working as a camp counselor at a academic camp, the staff would wind up getting drunk roughly every night on duty (while students were battling a highly contagious virus that induced diarrhea and projectile vomiting). At about 2-3 am, the female staff would start dragging girl students from their beds and locking them outside barefoot and half conscious. We later recruited other students to help throw buckets of ice on a roomful of sleeping boys, and then locking them into said room. We were at least nice enough to send a "spy" to remove all expensive electronics from the room. The ice fight then led to a student rebellion around campus, which led to some students falling into trenches and drains, and some students getting pretty bruised up. I regret nothing.

So, I'm a fat girl with a pretty face. Which means I spent all of my highschool years without a single date, kiss, grope nothing. I'll admit - I was pretty lonely and desperate for a boyfriend so at 22, when the first guy who actually found me attractive, happened along you can bet your sweet ass that I gave it up to him. Even though he never, or ever had any intention, of actually "dating" me. He was quite content to have a fuck buddy and because I reeked of desperation he honed in on me like a bee to honey. (But, to my credit, I made him wait over a year before actually giving up my virginity to him.)

Did I mention he was 34 and still lived with his parents? Yeah, I didn't think I did. Still, he was quite attractive and lots of women thought he was sexy so I considered myself one lucky fat girl to even have him as a fuck buddy you know? He also was about 3 inches shorter than me (I'm a tall fat girl) and I outweighed him by well over 100lbs so you can imagine that our sweet, sweet lovemaking looked remarkably like a badger trying to hump a buffalo.

Lastly, although I didn't realize this at the time (see - naive, desperate and a virgin), he was terrible in the sack. TERRIBLE. He would do the cursory foreplay, climb aboard and start the completely silent humping. Completely silent. No moans, no groans, hell not even any loud breathing. It was like having sex with a mime.

And I would lay underneath him as he humped away, sweat pouring off of him and because I had no previous experience, assumed this was exactly what sex was supposed to be like. I moaned and groaned and sighed and did all the things that Cosmo assured me women were supposed to do in bed and still I didn't feel anything remotely pleasurable and ended up faking every single orgasm in our two year fuck buddy relationship.

And that, my fellow Pajibans was the worst thing I ever did. Not the sleeping with someone who neither loved or respected me but I wasted two years of my life having sex with someone who had no idea how to please a woman.

Thankfully I eventually met the man who would become my husband and after one unbelievable bed session was both simultaneously shocked and surprised to discover that sex was, in fact, awesome - in the hands of the right person.

Did I share too much? I shared too much didn't I?

I cheated a lot in college, mostly on tests. I also helped people cheat: I wrote papers for people in exchange for money/weed. It was actually quite lucrative on my end, and my papers usually got people As, so it worked out.

I never cheated on a partner, but I cheated with my former boyfriend through not one, not two, but three unsuspecting girlfriends. And he was not even that cool at all.

The biggest thing that I feel horrible about is being a total dick to my brother while growing up. In retrospect, he was a really cool little kid, but I was jealous and detested him for a long time, and then I grew up and became distant & then moved out of the house. I get really upset when I think about how I treated him when we were younger. The worst part about it is that he really looked up to me. We are close now but I still think about & feel ashamed & guilty all the time.

It was like having sex with a mime.

Did I share too much? I shared too much didn't I?

Posted by: Kelly at January 21, 2009 11:48 PM

Nah, I'd say it was just right. Easily the best line of the night.

This took way too long, but Lord it was fun. Thanks, Rowles.

Late. Tired. A little tipsy (i.e. drunk).

I once...

I once...

...banged a cousin from Dubuque

1. In high school I ran a 'business' where I would forge people's report cards (we had ours printed on gray/white paper and handed out in school so Kinkos made it REALLY easy for me)

2. A friend and I tag-teamed bumped/tripped a dumb bitch cheerleader down the concrete stairs (a la Showgirls) at my college's basketball arena because she was audibly making fun of the pep band (yeah, I'm a band geek). A bunch of people backed me up and said she fell and I think she was too coked out (seriously) to know that she got pushed. She ended up breaking her knee and couldn't cheer for the rest of the season. Since she couldn't stand on the sidelines she had to sit in our section (oh the irony) and hold their signs

3. My best friend and I used to make it our goal to hot box in as many holy places (churches, synagogues, mosques, etc...) as possible. We were definitely in the upper-20s with our count.

4. The BF's parents dropped by our apartment once and were total dicks about EVERYTHING. It was laundry day (all in baskets but in the living room) and they commented on how dirty the place was. MIL actually checked for dust on top of our tv and fireplace!!!! They kept telling us that we needed to 'shape up' so I put some laxative in the dinner I had to prepare for them (while they took BF out to do whatever the fuck they did). BF is lactose intolerant so he couldn't eat the 'special' mashed potatoes and I was watching my weight so we both avoided disaster. We got a call later that evening from them asking if we had gotten sick. I think they learned their lesson since they haven't been back since...

This one's not really wrong, just pathetic. I harbored crushes on multiple parish priests during my teen years. The younger ones were good looking, kind, trustworthy, on stage every weekend, and more mature and educated than any toolish classmate of mine.
Is it bad that, during the undercover convent Pushing Daisies , Ned seemed extra-sexy in that Roman collar?

1. In college, I egged my own dorm, then helped a housemate's douchey friends pour gross shit in the hoodie he passed out in.

2. In ninth grade I repeatedly mocked a girl in my drama class to her face, to make my friends laugh. I've seriously felt guilty about that ever since.

3. In tenth grade, I kind of did the same thing to a girl in my PE class, but I quickly realized I was being a bitch and stopped.

4. In eleventh grade, I was pissed off at my parents, like SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF, so I decided to yell at them that I was bulemic, then run upstairs and kick the wall. Unfortunately, the wall wasn't strong, and I kicked a hole in it. I taped Saran Wrap and a poster over it, and never told them about it.

5. In middle school, I was in this weird van carpool thing. One younger girl threw water on me or something, so when the door opened, I pushed her out when we were still kind of moving.

6. I got bat mitzvah'd for the party and presents. I didn't believe in god.

7. One summer during college, I went with my friend to her friend's house party. I obviously lied to my parents about this. Once there, I did about 50 shots of vodka because I didn't know anyone. Then I lost my virginity to a guy whose name I barely knew. Then I vomited. Then I passed out in a running shower, covering up the drain, causing water damage to the first floor ceiling. When I left the next morning, I saw the friend's friend washing the sheets I had sex on. And vomited on.

Fuck, I've done lots of worst things. I hope nobody's reading this anymore.

I told my 11 year-old sister that the divorce was all her fault, and then I locked her out of the house, and watched her run around screaming and crying and banging on the windows for me to let her back in.

Posted by: Lauren at January 21, 2009 4:15 PM

Missed this the first time around, but Lauren is clearly one of my people.

Posted by: Che Grovera at January 21, 2009 11:09 PM

Do I want to be one of your people?
*scans Che's list*
Uh oh.

In my defense, she was a complete and utter shit, and it WAS partially her fault. Truth. But I never should have said it.

Does it make it slightly worse that I took ten years to apologize? And that she thought it was true all this time?

how appropriate...there's a guy in my bed who is cheating on his girlfriend with me. it's 3am. he's sleeping. i'm bored.

These posts are fascinating. I'm Catholic and believe in the cathartic/redemptive power of confessing, so I suppose I'm not all that surprised. I'm touched by how guilty posters feel about things that happened 15, 20, 30 years ago. I suppose that's how we develop our moral compass.

That being said, I am an absolute sociopath when it comes to work-related wrongdoing (unless it screws a colleague, in which case I'll be the asshole there making photocopies at 9:00 p.m. on a Friday). I routinely overbill for my time (not now b/c I do family law and feel too bad to screw individuals, but when I was at a large law firm I essentially wrote fiction on my time entries - yup, there's my moral code right there), steal supplies, look busy when I'm secretly doing jack, and pretend I've done tasks I haven't even started in the hope that the task will just evaporate. I also pretend conversations either did/didn't happen with the crazy partners I work with to avoid unpleasant tasks or take on work I actually want to do in order to fend off unpleasant tasks. I've come to realize over time that most employers don't give you a second thought and will lay you off/reduce your salary/screw you in two seconds, so I don't feel an iota of guilt about my misdeeds. I only worry about getting caught.

Sabrina: when I was about 23, I got absolutely wasted and wandered, sans pocketbook, up and down the West Side Highway path (not the nice, developed bike path that's there now) and ended up in a parking garage where two dudes confronted me and I ran away. I eventually went up to a police officer and begged him to put me in a cab (which I promptly vomited in). My parents visited the next day and all I could think about was the danger I had put myself in and how devastated they would have been had something gone wrong. I never got that drunk again and never did anything that stupid again.

All in all, I'm glad you're all just as despicable as me. I don't feel so lonely now.

The worst I did was a shoplifting spree. Much like Snath we stole a bunch of porn,(I was twelve and curious) then went to the drug store and stole various items, cologne, candy whatever was available. Then we stole shopping bags to put the loot in.

Funny thing is, we went and stashed our ill gotten gains in a lady's garbage can holder and went back for more. Upon returning to get our stuff, the woman was standing there holding the bags. My extremely intelligent friend asked if we could have our stuff back, because apparently, kids store their stuff in garbage can holders at other peoples houses all the time.

Police were called we were caught and charges of theft over $5,000.00 were laid. I don't know how the fuck we stole over $5000.00 worth of shit but thats was the tally.

That was the end of the frienship, I went on to a career and family, my two freinds ended up in jail.

Got hammered on vodka, subsequently busted for DUI (on a bike), spent the night in jail and had an arraignement the next morning. This was in Bermuda, where I currently work. I was scared shitless, and seriously hungover. When they arraign you you actually cross the street in handcuffs to get to the courthouse, so, nice walk of shame. Got fined a thousand bucks (US) and no driving for three months. Never told anyone untill now.

Naturally, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Just remembered one. I was adopted due to my adoptive parents believing that they could not have children. Things were good, I was spoiled, until my sister came along. Needless to say the family dynamic changed and I devloped a resentment towards her.

One day I decided to take her to the park, she was three I was seven. She was in her stroller and the wheel hit a rock flipping the stroller over and my sister, totally strapped into the stroller, on her face. The stroller "hit a rock" six more times. I told my mother she fell at the park.

I still feel really bad about it.

1) Cheated on 2 of 5 boyfriends so far. Dont think Id ever do it again.

2) Made a mission out of trying to fuck a man who had a really sweet girlfriend. Took me 6 months, but mission is completed.

3) At an internship, when I was 18, was left pretty much standing in the rain with no or exeptionally boring stupid-ass tasks, i started a blog on which i harassed a woman at my office as a fat old stupid slut who was only giving me shit cause she was jealous of my youth and beauty. Of course they found it while searching my computer. Got fired and they threatened to get me arrested for harassment. I felt like a really bad person for about 6 months.

4) didnt shoplift, but stole change from my parents wallets for cigarettes. the biggest amount i ever stole was about 20 tho.

5) by boyfriend used to date one of my girlfriends in highschool and college. they broke up months before we hit it off, but i didnt tell her for at least 4 months. She now argues that i have broken an old Spice-Girl-esque codex, and refuses to talk to me. Weve known each other for 15 years. I know i didnt do anything wrong, but i felt guilty nevertheless. I really love my bf though. haha. who wins now, bitch?

worst things I ever done?
Stole about 800 dollars worth of silver quarters from grandmother, and then staged a break-in to her house.
Cheated on ex wife within a week of our marriage.
When I was 15 my mom got remarried and I got a 9 year old stepsister I coerced into blowing me.
Robbed a trailer with my girlfriend when I was in high school because we knew the guy had pot.
Committed multiple acts of vandalism as a teenager.
I could go on and on. But as of this day I'm 38 and since stopping doing drugs and alcohol pretty much straightened my life out. The most terrible thing I've done recently was getting a snack pie for free from a vending machine because it was stuck.

Valerie, everyone knows it is tangs before wangs.

A co-worker once ate my lunch out of the fridge at like 10 in the morning. I found out and so I took the top slice of bread off his sandwich and wiped my ass with the ham.

I bought an ex girlfriend her favorite flowers, a balloon, a card, and a sweet Sure t-shirt for her sixteenth birthday....then broke up with her 30 seconds after she opened her gift.

I used to work at a Hollywood video in another state. I was the assistant manager. My last night there, I was the the only one in the store. It was my responsibility to insert the new security tape. So...while I was thinking about which tape i would use I decided to help myself to over 300 dvds. It was perfect timing. We'd done our quarterly inventory 2 days prior so they wouldn't know they were gone for 3 more months and we'd just fired 3 very shady employees because we caught them in the act of stealing a large number of DVDs. My movie collection is now an addiction that i can't control. Just like a crack habit, but i still have my teeth...although JUST like a crqack addiction I have had to go down on strangers in subway restrooms to support the habit. Goddamn you Spielberg for the Umteenth iteration edition of Jaws. Damn you!!!!

slower lower....we use that term to describe people in Kent and Sussex counties in Delaware. local???

And when it's one kid touching another kid...isn't it just a game of doctor? Or in Slick's case....dentist?

Got a drug dealer killed by his supplier.
Accident, but I will say no more.

All right, which one of you was in Delaware recently?

http://www.delawareonline.com/article/20090122/NEWS01/90122036

- Lied constantly throughout high school
- Incidentally started one friend on a five year drug habit
- Gave drugs to a friend (different person) who had OD'd twice before. Even though he asked, and it was pot to mellow him out:I felt bad, but was afraid he would get something stronger from a different friend. Incidentally, that this is the only thing I regret from the years I was a drug addict is mildly surprising.

They are technically all Walgreen's now since Harry sold out, but us little state people are a stubborn ass bunch and refuse to call them by the new name.

We officially have a Pajiba army forming in Delaware!!!!!!!! Weeeeee!!!! We need to get someone involved from Sussex...but one of the cool parts...like Fenwick. Then the three of us can lord over the state.

I've got an almost incest story that I'm debating with myself about telling. I think if I tell it, it will be akin to me touching the third rail like that guy did in "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three."

I don't really get myself into too much trouble, but this is one thing that has been kept between 5 people up until now.

In high school there was this dickhead named Travis who would throw parties b/c his dad didn't give a shit and worked 3rd shift. The only reason we hung out with him was b/c we could drink our Boone's Farm and St. Ides at his place. So he gets in a screaming match with one of my girlfriends so we decided to exact our revenge that night. We were going to put sardines in his car and motor oil on his exhaust pipe but his car was locked. So one of the guys with us went number 2 in a Krispy Kreme box and rubbed his business on dude's car. So yeah that escalated quickly. Travis never mentioned a word about the incident at school the next week or ever. I don't feel bad. He was a dick. And a liar.

I really enjoyed Kelly's story. I mean, it was sad, but also kinda hilarious. That "It was like having sex with a mime" line cracked my shit up.

Diablo's stories were also greatness, though they fill me with terror, seeing as he's talking about the people charged with ensuring our nation's security from all threats foreign and domestic.

Also, I have never shoplifted. I did once steal an ornament from the Christmas tree at The Kettle, but I don't think that is technically shoplifting, as The Kettle doesn't actually sell Christmas ornaments. Also, I was drunk at the time.

I have never cheated on a test, either. Seriously.

I've read Pajiba for years, but have never posted. Why would I post in this?

When I was 12 me and my Mom were in a homeless shelter for about 4 months. I absolutely hated my life there (as you can imagine), though it would turn out to not be even in the top 5 worst times in my childhood. Poverty sucks.

While I was there, I friended another kid about my age who was there with his mother and like 5 siblings. They were there when we got there and were there when we left (life is pretty bleak for families of single mothers without any job skills), and I saw them years later during another lowpoint in my childhood (they were living in public housing in a 2 bedroom apartment). The point being, my life was crappy and bleak, but theirs was probably worse.

Anyway, one day I found a wallet in the common room and I grabbed it and found, lo and behold, 10 or 20 dollars in it (damn, I can't remember how much). I KNEW that it belonged to the other poor kid, and I knew that he probably saved it up for a long time (in the 80s, 20 bucks was substantial to a 12 year old). I knew that, besides it being a bunch of money to him, it was money that his family probably couldn't afford to lose. But I, also, was poor and homeless.

I stole the money and put the wallet back where I found it.

In the grand scheme of things, I guess 20 bucks probably wouldn't have changed his life much for the better, I know it probably didn't change my life much at all (I can't remember what I even spent it on). But, dammit, no matter what situation you are in, stealing from a homeless kid has got to be the lowest you could ever get.

20 years later and I still feel ashamed.

every year I go hunting for pheasant in western KS, sometimes when you down a bird it isnt dead yet and you are supposed to wring it's neck. I didn't want to do that so I figured I would just stomp on the head and that would be the end of it. Well I misjudged and ending up curb stomping the body of the bird with my steel toed work boots and the poor thing made a noise like a squeak toy would make. I felt awful afterwards. I don't mind hunting but you don't want to kill an animal the way I did this year.

I told one of my closest friends that I hoped he died so that I could deliver the eulogy at his funeral and tell everyone that he was a horrible person simply because he got my chem. paper wet.

On a worse note, I offered sexual favors to my ex-best friend's crush so that he would like me better than her, and give me more attention. Thanks for not taking me up on those, DJ.

I cheated my way into good grades in high school, and I won two scholarships off of them.

I told the ticket guy at the movies that I had to use the bathroom really badly, and snuck into three movies, without paying. I think I got him fired.

That's pretty much it, except the few things I shoplifted when I was eight.
Not that bad, but they're the worst things I've ever done.

I had 3 affairs while my husband was in Kuwait and while I don't regret doing it to him (It was payback for the disease he brought home from Korea the year before), I'm still getting over what it did to me and my own feelings of self-worth.

In high school, I put a classmate's name followed by "son of a bitch" in GIANT letters at the back of our classroom. Got caught within minutes and had to paint over... Lied my way out of failing one year because I skipped a few classes too many. What else, cheated my way through law school, I've done no real work in months and keep getting my check, and once I chased my neighbour's chicken (my neighbour's a girl, same age as I am) into my dog's yard, to see what happened, and the damn chicken got its neck broken within seconds. Good times.

Oh, and I've cheated on some of my girlfriends. But I'll never tell anyone, and still present myself as the ultimate faithful sweet smart good-looking guy (all bullshit).

lol- that is a very witty remark. I would make noise just not alot of chit chat. But there was always the pre-climax grunt of approval.

Overdosed on some sleeping pills during the summer. Rushed to hospital. Stomach pumped. Covered up incident with the rents. Went through some tough times. My friend who found me is the only person who is aware of the details. I'm mortified that that big lie will leak. It was the most selfish thing I've ever done.

/throws cat out of bag

Dylanj - I can relate on the pheasant. I am a hunter, too, and this season I had to kill a wounded deer with a knife (out of bullets). It was pretty tough. I kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Probably a good thing I was by myself.

Estelle I would have really enjoyed trying to get those Balloons out of you.

Of course it matters if I cum, why would I care if my girlfriend came or not......sheesh

Kelly, trying to make a woman cum is hard work. It is like a level 8 sudoku game, and since I'm a slacker more or less. I really wouldn't mind it if you faked an orgasm.

Well Kelly if you don't mind everything being about me, then I think we will get along great.

You're probably the devil in disguise Pookie, but I just can't resist.

mine is the worst. I've done a bit of all the minor stuff above, totally thinking I was this morally straight-up person...what an asshole. I've had a lot of time to realize my stupidities, but the worst thing I've ever done I've done twice - smoking while pregnant. I'm scared to death I've set little self-destruct packets into the persons I love most. I've secretly smoked for years, and my partner is the 'blind' type who isn't that interested in my personal life - but still - I must be a sneaky bitch to have pulled it off. And for what? What on earth was I thinking?! Karma always gets me and the guilt is unreal. I hope to god no one manages an IP search and comes and scalps and pummels my stupid ass, as I have a lot of making up to do over lifetimes. I'm not the praying type, but I hope to god they don't suffer for my selfishness/weakness. I've debated even posting this as I read everything else, but I haven't seen this type of evil up yet. Sick and fucking wrong.

The worst thing...
Walking back to my apartment late at night from the Boston University Pub, I came across a woman, unconscious, with her clothing torn, lying in the grass, near some bushes. She had very obviously been assaulted. And I kept walking home.


Oh, and also lying to a bunch of strangers on a comments thread.

Wow, I managed to read them all. It's similar to watching a car crash in slow motion. You know it's wrong but you can't stop looking... I also want to send you all a lot of love and forgive you for all your sins. My advice is not to feel too guilty about what you ever did.

Daniel Defoe once wrote "Give me not poverty lest I steal". Poverty can be be both financial and/or emotional. Can you blame someone who doesn't have anything to eat for stealing from a shop or someone who feels neglected by partner, friend or parents for eventually taking it out on someone or getting drunk and doing something really stupid? I thought I'd feel angry at someone after reading all the posts but the ones which didn't make me laugh only made me feel really sad. I especially felt for the lady who smoked while pregnant. I'm a huge pro smoker but hate the idea of smoking during preganancy for obvious reasons. The bottom line is we all do wrong, sometimes crazy things but we have our little (whether logical or not it doesn't make much of a difference) reasons for doing something wrong. We seimply have to move on and live with it.

As for me I haven't done many bad things to others. My damage is more self destructive. The only time I was questioned by police it was for doing absolutely nothing wrong but it was a weird time in the night in a quiet place full of closed shops. I was walking alone and apparently I passed in front of a police man and started walking faster so he just assumed I was running away from him. He got his colleagues, threw me in the back of a police car surrounded with police and took me to the station for questioning. I was scared shitless even though I knew I didn't do anything wrong. They kept asking me whether I was planning to break into a shop and kept asking me what I was doing walking the streets alone at night. They eventually released me after 30-45 minutes after I told them I'm a uni student, and I talked to them about some decent stuff, I showed them I was terrified and I told them my girlfriend had just broken up with me (I made the last bit up yo make them feel sorry for me).

Real bad things? Well I did steal a bit of cash from my parents over the years (only small amounts which they wouldn't realise went missing, like a fiver or a tenner) which I'm ashamed of now. I stopped because I started to feel more and more guilty every time I did it. Only once I got close to getting caught. Dad had prepared a particular stash of money to pay for something and I took a tenner from the wrong stash by mistake. He immediately realised there was a tenner missing and he was very angry. I was on the verge of giving myself up because I couldn't stand the tension anymore but mum was utterly convinced that no one in our morally upright family of 6 would steal from each other. She convinced him that he must have been tired and mad e a mistake in his math... What did I spend the money on? Books, drinking, cigarettes, magazines, dvds etc

The only thing I've ever shoplifted are sweets. Instead of putting them in a bag and taking them to the counter to get weighed I'd just slip a few in my pocket and eat them on the way to school. I still spent money at the shop so I never felt guilty. When I was a kid I used to get on the bus without paying the fare somethimes. I fought with my elder brother but nothing major. I cheated on a girlfriend and slept with a girl who had another boyfriend. I cheated in tests sometimes (but you do what you gotta do)... and so on and so on. Minor things but it's still weird to remember and write them down for everyone to see years later.

The good thing about all this is that little stories like these which exemplify the human condition and can sometimes provoke so many emotions are often what drives the stories on the big screen which we all know and love (see there had to be a link to the real content of the website somewhere).... Well, that and lots of cash, hollywood bullshit, shitty remakes and off the rails actors and directors. Ah, you gotta love it all.

cheated
and after he found out i cheated again
took a long time for me to learn what a piece of shit i am

deflowered an acquaintance last night, then made it clear that was a one time never to be mentioned again thing, while cheating on my girlfriend

I crushed up sleeping pills and put them into my grandmothers milk so that she wouldn't wake up when I snuck out of the house.

Did you go through her purse while you were at it?

As a kid, I was a social climber. I moved a lot, so I'd make friends with geeks on the first day and by the second week, I'd be bullying them.

My BFF and I used to regularly use a friend of ours for her nice car and credit card. She bought us everything we wanted. We also have her Facebook password and use it to mess with other people too.

I lied to EVERYONE (including a judge) about a ticket I got. The only person who knows the truth is the person I was with.

I make my parents pay for a ridiculously expensive school just so I can keep a sick semi-f-buddy relationship going with a guy who doesn't care about me at all but I'm infatuated with.

I'm relatively tame.

While serving in Iraq as a 2nd Lieutenant, I was manning a checkpoint with three Soldiers; one of them was a Sergeant and the other two were PFCs.

We saw an orange-and-white taxi approaching our position at a high rate of speed. I looked through the scope on my weapon and thought I saw a bearded driver with three other passengers who appeared to be wearing ski masks. I yelled for my men to get ready. The vehicle was about 500 yards away and closing fast.

At 400 yards away, we trained our weapons on them, waved for them to stop, shined a green laser pointer at them, and shouted. At 300 yards, I fired a warning shot from my M4 into the right front tire, which missed.

Somewhere around the 300-yard mark-- we had a red cone placed on the side of the road at that distance, so if I seem exact in my measurements that is why-- I shouted to my men: "HIT IT!" We fired on their vehicle with everything we had: a turrent-mounted 50-caliber machine gun, an M249 SAW, and two M4s. The windshield shattered, the tires blew out, the engine block started smoking, and then vehicle rolled to the side of the road about 100 yards away and crashed into a concrete barrier going about 10MPH. There was no movement from inside the car.

Upon inspection of the car, I discovered the occupants were one man in his mid-30s, one-woman in her mid-30s wearing a black burqua, and two teenage girls in the backseat wearing black burquas. There were no weapons, explosives, or contraband in the vehicle. All occupants were dead, most had been hit in the upper torso at least five times; all wounds were fatal and no amount of first aid could have revived them.

The car had showed no signs of stopping, and I had about 7-10 seconds from the time I saw them to the time we fired to make a decision; my decision was to fire on the car in order to save the lives of my men. My eyes told me the car was full of men with ski masks, they were speeding towards a clearly visible US Humvee with spools of concertina wire deployed in front of us at 100-yard intervals, along with big 3 x 3 foot signs that said, "US Checkpoint, STOP!". We had been operating in the area for more than 6 months, and US units had been there before us for about two years at that point. There had been numerous engagements with insurgents before this incident, as well as mortar attacks, IEDs, sniper fire, and RPG fire.

I had every reason to believe the occupants of the car were a group of jihadists who meant to do us harm, and while I can accept my own death as inevitable, I shudder to think about my Soldiers being hurt or killed. I brought all my men home from Iraq alive, and that's one of the things that helps me sleep at night.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and been receiving treatment since late 2006, and I think I have a handle on things now. But late at night, I wonder about my choice, even if in the clear light of day I can look at what I did and see that I made the only decision I could have made under the circumstances.

So that's the worst thing I've ever done, by a long shot.

R - I'm so sorry. That must be so hard to cope with. I think I must be 'anti-war' mostly because I am afraid to death of having to be the one to make that kind of decision. If it makes you feel any better, I'd probably have made the same choice under the circumstances, although that doesn't make me feel any better either.

I committed Arson in a Park in the inner city, set half the trees within it on fire. This was all achieved from me getting bored as I smoked a cigarette and set a leaf on a tree on fire with the lighter. The fire spread so quickly that half the tree went up before I even reacted. I bailed out of the park and tried to keep a low profile as Police cars and Fire Engines zipped past me, this was like 2 in the morning so I was pretty much the only person around in the streets... smoking

absolute worst?

i had this stupid, really slutty friend in high school who contracted several STDs and then proceeded to continue to sleep with various boys without telling them about said contagious diseases.

so another friend and i decided to publicize it, via a website as well as in paint pens, all over local hang outs. her name. her diseases. boys: don't fuck this.

i feel oddly ambiguous about this still, though.

So I guess no one is reading this anymore and I'm glad. I read Pajiba daily but rarely comment.

I have done bad things to other people but nothing so bad as what I did to myself.

I left home young and became depressed within a year. I got into hard drugs. I started shooting speed, but I could never bunt myself and always got friends to do it.

My worst memory ever is after my parents split up, and I moved back into the family household to look after my dad. I had no gear left but I wanted the rush. I took the syringes that I shared with my two friends that shot up with me, and I filled them with water. We used to call it 'the wash' - the stuff that was left in the barrel after you'd shot up.

I didn't think about diseases. Years later, I dated a man who was a recovering addict with hep c, and it opened my eyes to the risks, but at that stage I didn't know or care.

And I tried to find a vein but couldn't. I stuck myself like a pincushion, and every now and again the barrel would get some blood in it and I'd push it down, but not enough. It did nothing anyway. I lived in our old lounge, and I hid next to the bed. I remember locking the door and turning "Dark Side of the Moon" up as loud as I could.

Whenever I think about that, and about everything that came immediately before and after it, I can hardly believe that it was my life.

I wanted to write this after reading everyone else's comments. I thought I'd wait until the thread was dead. I'm glad I did both.