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The Movie Was Terrible, The Nap Was Wonderfully Refreshing

By Mrs. Julien | Comment Diversions | May 18, 2013 | Comments ()


wolfe 2.jpg

I am both kicking it old school and reaching into the diversion vaults (shoebox) with this one. What is the most boring movie you have ever seen? Not Plan 9 From Outer Space bad, rather, dull, interminable, tis a ponderous film. A movie so tedious that if you had a week to live, you would watch it on a loop to make the time drag on and so you would welcome the sweet release of death. With any luck your answer will come to you as quickly as it did to me: The Hours. Never has a movie been more aptly named.

Do you remember The Hours? If you have succesfully blocked it out, kudos to you! Nicole Kidman and a ludicrous prosthetic nose won the Oscar for it that she should have won for To Die For. From what I can recall, it's about Virginia Wolfe writing Mrs. Dalloway, Meryl Streep's character is living Mrs. Dalloway's day, and Ed Harris is around being surly and dying of AIDS. He kills himself partway through. We were so jealous. I think Julianne Moore was in there somewhere as well. Perhaps in flashbacks as the mother of the the bitter guy? I refuse to give this movie one more second of my life by checking IMDb. If Moore was there, I'm sure she was crying. It's how she do.

We saw The Hours at the local art house theatre and the place was full. Kidman's ludicrous prosthetic nose set a bad tone and it went downhill from there. I hold Meryl Streep personally responsible for keeping me awake. She was the only good part of the movie, but she wasn't always on screen, so just when I thought I was passed out, she pulled me back in. Stupid Streep. I spent the film in bouts of lolling hurrumphantly in my seat and praying for a lightning strike. About halfway through, Mr. Julien offered to sacrifice himself by running at the screen so that everyone could flee the theatre. He refrained, but the sentiment was appreciated.

As we left 4 dog years later, we were complaining (loudly) about the movie and making the obvious joke, "The Hours? It should have been called The Centuries," and some of the other patrons gave us horrified looks as, clearly, we were philistines. It was the most enjoyable part of the movie by far.

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  • princessdi81

    Both Sherlock Homes movies. I have tried no less than three times to watch A Game of Shadows and have fallen asleep each and every time.

    Also, the third Matrix movie was entirely to long and I kept wondering why Monica Belluci's bosoms were constantly heaving despite never exerting much energy.

  • Inter Milan Kundera

    Balls of Fury is the first film I remember almost leaving. I stayed and took various catnaps in between Dan Fogler trying to be a leading man and failing miserably. Needed A LOT more Walken.
    I also passed out for 20 minutes during Prince of Persia . At the end when he reverses time and pretty much negates goddamn everything in the film, I wished I stayed asleep.

  • E-money

    "Why is it called The Hours when it seems so much longer. They should call this thing The Weeks" thank you Liz Lemon

  • cicatricella

    Most recently, I had to 'watch' The Producers about 3 times before I finished it all because I kept on falling asleep. I actually liked the film but it just knocked me out for some reason.

  • eeeeeee

    Spice World - not the first time I've fallen asleep to men prancing around in assless chaps. My dreams had the shittiest soundtrack.

  • hellodali

    What are you talking about, I loved that movie.

  • hellodali

    The Hours I mean. As for most boring, Waking Life about killed me.

  • Mrs. Julien

    A chacun a son gout.

  • hindulovegod

    Titanic. I was taken on a date. I fell asleep for a good 40 minutes and still have no clue what I missed. Kathy Bates, class differences, Billy Zane, iceberg, awesome effects, bad knowledge of the physical properties of wood in water--I saw all that.

  • BWeaves

    My sister and I were going to go to the beach but it was raining, so we decided to go to the movies instead and seeThe Empire Strikes Back, again. My grandmother insisted on coming with us. She slept through the loud music and the battle scenes.

  • MarTeaNi

    Any of the Lord of the Rings films, which simply do not end and I can't with all the soulful looks into cameras. It makes me sleepy just thinking about the endless sweeping shots and white toast elves. Troy, which I saw once in theatres on a date and lost various chunks of time of because it was so dull and sepia toned. And then the one I know no one will ever agree with me on: No Country for Old Men.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    One of my co-workers was just saying how boring he thought No Country for Old Men was but I think There Will Be Blood was way WAY more boring.

  • Jules

    Known in our house as There Will Be Sleepy.

    Also... Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Sleepy.

    Yawn.

  • MarTeaNi

    I never even saw There Will Be Blood. The dark cinematography, monotone voices, after one look I knew that was not the movie for me. You might be entirely correct but I will never truly know!

  • Turd Fergusson

    So many... I shall focus on my newest nemesis. Burton is even boring himself by now, I think.

    Tin Tin and the Legend of the Stupid Movie. or whatever.

    Secondarily, and it pains me to no end to say it. oh heavy sigh. The Hobbit.

    That fucking movie hurt me. It was like all three LOTR films were ground down and the essences of why they sucked were purified into One Film...and then that film was thrown into the trash and they made another reeeaally boring movie that hung its hopes and dreams on music and teetering things. So many elaborate set pieces, so few real scenes. If you ever doubted how you were supposed to feel about a scene, Scores for Dummies dragged you along by the ear.

    Peter Jackson is the love-child of Ang Lee and M. Knight

  • DeltaJuliet

    My husband and kids LOVE Tin Tin. They have watched it at least 7-8 times at home and I have promptly taken a nap each time. I can not get through that movie.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I almost fell asleep during the Battle of Endor, when the movies where re-released. My mind probably wanted to shut down because of the Ewoks.

  • superasente

    Am I banned if I say "Blade Runner."

    Because seriously, that movie puts me to sleep every time I try to watch it.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    The only movie during which I've fallen asleep at the theater was "Equus". I don't know if it's boring or not since I don't remember a thing about it.

  • Malin

    Mercury Rising. A piece of shit so-called action/suspense movie with Bruce Willis, Alec Baldwin and some dreadful child. I fell asleep partway through it and only woke up during an action scene in some way involving a helicopter (I honestly can't remember, it's so long ago, and that film was just so awful.) I do remember that Peter Stormare chewed had a hilarious death scene on a train before I nodded off. He always gives good villain. The only upside was that my brother paid for the film - otherwise that would be time AND money I'd like back, please.

    Three films where I WISH I could have fallen asleep to relieve the endless tedium - 1. Match Point - Woody Allen's absolutely mind-numbingly boring movie about social climbing and tennis in England. Even my husband, a big Allen fan, was bored to tears by that one.
    2. Attack of the Clones - Dear Lord, that thing was boring. So many tedious glances and romping in fields and sod all happening!
    3. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Nearly three hours of extreme boredom. The bit near the beginning, where they go over the edge of the world and find the ship with all the Johnny Depps on it, is visually interesting, but from there it's just so pointless. A whole bunch of ships chasing each other, and people pointlessly trying to double cross each other, and oh dear God, why couldn't it end?

    The latter is the closest I've ever come to walking out of a cinema, something I don't do in Norway because the tickets are so expensive. If I've paid to see a film, I will sit through it to the bitter end. I'm stubborn like that.

  • alacrify

    The Magnificent Ambersons. My god Orson what were you thinking.

  • kirbyjay

    Just to be current since TGG is coming out, the original Gatsby with Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. Do we have to sit through the entire movie for it to count, because I will not torture myself in that way. I gave it a half hour and I quit.
    A movie I was forced to sit through because we had guests...Colors. Sean Penn, Robert Duvall. It was endless.
    A movie that won raves but I couldn't watch. Beasts of the Southern Wild. I never got to the actual beasts, which I'm sure increased the interest, but it was just the little girl running around not saying much. zzzz....zzzzzz....zz.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    It's funny how different movies affect us, I thought Beasts was fascinating.

  • kirbyjay

    True. I know the critics raved and the people roared, but it wasn't for me.

  • ,

    "Look! She's 6!"

    That's about all the critics needed.

  • chris

    Any Terrence Malick movie. Yum I said it. What a self-gratuitous bunch of shit.

    Also, I had a really serious dental surgery and watched The Hours while trying to wake up from general anesthesia. Even being high off my rocker didn't help that train wreck of a movie.

  • e jerry powell

    I did fall asleep during Eraserhead, but not because I was bored, more because I was exhausted. Interestingly, though, apparently the film continued in my dreams until I woke up. Maybe what I dreamed was better than what Lynch shot, but I haven't really been inclined to find out again, because I think I woke up in the last two minutes of the film and was more than a little disturbed.

  • e jerry powell

    A little bit tangential:

    Speaking of being bored/distracted in a theater, there's this thing, where the Libertarian National Review columnist went nuclear on this annoying woman who was playing with her smartphone during a new musical he was reviewing. As I noted, for what theater/movie tickets cost these days, why go to the theater if you're not going to watch the show?

  • No But Thanks

    I've fallen asleep on a lot of movies...The Brothers Grimm sticks out the most. I seem to remember waking up a handful of times. It felt like I was living in kind of loop. Did they keep having to introduce themselves to people throughout the movie? That's all I seem to remember. That and thinking, "fuck this, I'm going back to sleep."

    Oh, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians. My wife dragged me to that one, one night. We were out driving around, bored out of our minds. I told her not to make me go see it. I told her. I said, "Honey, don't make me go see this. It's going to suck." I fell asleep before the previews even ended just to prove my point.

  • e jerry powell

    PJ: The book was far more interesting. Yes, Julianne Moore was Ed Harris's mother. And, like Meryl and Nicole, also at least a part-time lesbian. (And no, I haven't seen the movie, nor do I plan to, now.)

  • Mrs. Julien

    ejp - I haven't even managed to read any Virginia Woolf. Can you imagine how I feel about a book about Virginia Woolf writing a book by Virginia Woolf?

  • e jerry powell

    Yup, Michael Cunningham's The Hours, the book from which the screenplay was adapted, which was observing Woolf as she was writing Mrs. Dalloway, Laura Brown as she was reading Mrs. Dalloway in the fifties, and Clarissa as she was more or less living Mrs. Dalloway in the nineties.

    It's kind of a gay point of pride, that book.

  • Byakko

    "Touch of Evil." I don't care if it's a cinematic masterpiece, long tracking shot, Orson Welles, blah blah blah.

    Holy balls, is it boring.

  • ormond

    Everybody's right.

  • ,

    I dozed off several times (at home) trying to watch "Apocalypse Now," so I guess that's it. Mrs. , fell asleep more than once trying to watch "Killing Them Softly" is a theater. She'd start to snore, and I'd nudge her, and five minutes later ... And in truth, after the initial heist scene, which is really well done, the movie went to sleep too.

    Except, now that I think about it: I love and respect Fugazi, but the absolutely most boring thing I've ever tried to watch was a documentary about the band called "Instrument." It was two weeks long.

  • CosmoNewanda

    I fell asleep during the Matrix 2. I make no apologies. I've only seen pieces of the first movie and what I saw of the second movie does not change my mind about it being a over blown piece of Gǒushí!

  • Siege

    I too fell asleep in the second Matrix movie. Not sure how I did it -- we were at the Omnimax and it was SO LOUD. I shut my eyes for a moment to quell the omnimax seasickness and the next thing I knew my friends were waking me up to leave.

  • spoobnooble

    Or the third Matrix movie, Revolutions, a.k.a. "the Matrix film no one watched because the second film pissed them off so much". One startling shot of blue daylight above the clouds does not redeem two hours worth of Jesus Neo Christ and mech-squids fighting in Zion and who-the-hell-cares-shut-up-French-guy-with-hot-girlfriend.

  • KZel

    For me it was a different Nicole Kidman movie, Dogville. I convinced my boyfriend to rent it and he'll never let me live it down. I don't blame him...it was torture!!

  • Lauren_Lauren

    Many a film professor has tried to show me Battleship Potemkin.
    Many have failed.

  • googergieger

    Avatar. I mean I saw a movie called Silent Light, which is basically about this family that lives in a community in Mexico that is kind of Amish but believes and uses a little bit of technology. Anyways the dad cheats on the wife, later on the wife dies, and this is basically the only two things that happen in the movie and even then they are effin boring. That movie was more interesting than Avatar, which wasn't even video game entertaining. In that we've all played bad games with bad stories, but at least the game play or whatever helped you kill some time. With Avatar it was just horrible. Dialogue, story, acting, even the cgi or whatever people loved because they've never seen shit like that before, apparently. Next time spend that billion bucks on a writing class or two. I mean it wasn't just the fact that it is easily the most superficial thing ever created, it was that the superficial wasn't even close to being pretty enough to compete with the literally nothing else going for it.

    Oh and in general besides Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring, most Kim Ki Duk movies.

  • Three_nineteen

    I have a good eye for American movies that will bore me to death, so I don't have many of those. Mine are European. There was Cache - I went with three friends and after the movie ended, we all discovered that we would have left the movie if we were alone.

    Then there was Russian Ark, which was filmed at The Hermitage, and was so...I can't even describe it, because I have tried to wipe it from my memory.

    Lastly, there was a movie whose name I can't remember, but I believe it was French. It was about a guy who picked up a hitchhiker who was a serial killer. At a certain point in the movie we were actively rooting for the killer to murder the driver just so something would happen.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I can't remember if we turned Russian Ark off or fell asleep.

  • The Aviator. So long, so boring, such blatant Oscar bait. The most disappointing part is that it had a damned good cast and subject material and they made a complete over-long snoozefest.

  • Aaron Schulz

    Boondock saints 2, that movie is 6 hours long, i swear to god. It also raises the temperature of the room you are in to a sweaty 109 degrees as it tries to destroy your brain.

  • $27019454

    And its overrated and pretentious and BORING.

  • Aaron Schulz

    i think the first one is even more that, at least the second one knows its just trying to cash in on the first one, but god boondock saints is the 3rd most overrated movie ever

  • anon33

    MY GOD THIS!!! Why does everyone really really want me to like that crapfest??!? gahh

  • Aaron Schulz

    Ive never seen such hokey overacting thats supposed to be taken seriously. Ive seen revenge films before, its not special.

  • Cat

    The Family Stone. Two hours of the world's most horrible caricature of a liberal family being super-bitchy to Sarah Jessica Parker just because she makes an awkward first impression. And something about she's in love with this other guy and cancer and who gives a shit. I had to watch it on a plane back from a NCAA basketball tourney game that IU lost. Fuck all of that bullshit.

    And hello again everybody, I haven't posted here in so long that I've probably been forgotten. Good to be back!

  • $27019454

    Everyone in that family was horrible.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Welcome back! Don't you just hate Disqus?

  • Oh dear god...that movie was insufferable! SJP is TERRIBLE and even the lighting in that movie was dour.

  • K11Win

    The Brothers Bloom was like a beautiful little ambient background set up for a power nap.

  • Cazadora

    Does it have to be theater? Because for me it was the Director's cut of Watchmen that I ordered on VOD. It was the MOVIE THAT WOULD NOT END. The only saving grace for me was that I got a lot of housework done because if I didn't move around, I surely would have fallen asleep.

  • Salieri2

    I cannot recall a movie so meh I've actually fallen asleep watching--maybe it's that my cheapskate genes are so strong, my central nervous system keeps me up, looking for something, anything, redemptive--but I'm pretty sure the only reason I didn't fall asleep during Sphere is because I walked out. Of the theater. And rented Event Horizon.

  • Upvote for 'Event Horizon.' An underrated movie if ever there was one.

  • lowercase_ryan

    The Preacher's Wife. I lost all respect for Penny Marshall with that one.

  • Ben

    Lord of the rings: Return of the King
    I didn't really like the first two, but for some reason I ended up watching the third one on video with my cousin or something, about an hour and a half in, I looked at the time and realised the movie still had like 2 hours to go and went "Nope, fuck it, i'm out"
    Only movie I've ever just decided not to watch the rest of the movie.

  • jennp421

    I haven't fallen asleep at a movie but Alexander was so boring!

  • Emma

    Sideways.

  • VampireNomad

    I fell asleep in Transformers 2 (I'm not sure how as it's very boomtasticly loud but I'm grateful I did) and each time (twice) I tried to watch Star Trek: the Motion Picture. I also wished I could have passed out in Avatar.

  • The only movie I have ever fallen asleep during (in the theater) was Dick Tracy. And I didn't just fall asleep during the movie, I fell asleep during the premier. With Beatty, Hoffman, Madonna, et al in attendance.

    I went back to see it two weeks later. I fell asleep again.

  • Some Guy

    I've fallen asleep in a movie once. It was the Empire Strikes Back.

    See, the thing is is that I was obsessed with the Star Wars movies in middle school. I watched ESB before going to bed so many times that I A) could listen to any random track from the soundtrack and recite the dialog, and B) had a habit of falling asleep right after the Hoth scene, and waking up right before the final lightsaber duel with Vader and Luke.

    Sure enough, go to see the special edition, watch the Hoth scene, and wake up just as Luke appears in the Carbon Freezing chamber.

    The force is with you, young Skywalker. But you are not a jedi yet...

  • Nat Kittyface

    Mine is How to Make an American Quilt. Only movie I've ever walked out on. There were puppy adoptions going on in the theatre lobby, so 20 minutes in, we were like... LET'S GO PLAY WITH PUPPIES BEFORE WE DIE OF BOREDOM.

    I know it's not fair to judge movies against the barometer of puppies, because soooo many movies would lose, but you just don't understand how hard it is to get me to walk out on something I paid money for. Even for puppies.

  • Mattfactor

    About Schmidt, too. Forgot about that one.

  • I saw 'About Schmidt' too and I wish I had been asleep during Kathy Bates' hot tub scene. As it was, I just about clawed my eyes out like I was Sam Neil in 'Event Horizon.'

  • Mrs. Julien

    Event Horizon wins Mr. Julien's prize for the grossest movie he's ever seen.

  • $27019454

    That was a boring one, too. There was no event on that horizon.

  • He should check out the new Evil Dead movie. If that doesn't take the crown, it'll be a strong contender at least.

  • Mrs. Julien

    He doesn't like gross, so thanks for the warning!

  • Mattfactor

    Coffee and Cigarettes. I just remember constantly thinking, "why am I supposed to give a shit about anybody?"

    What Dreams May Come. Aptly named, for sure. I didn't think it was going to end.

  • Rochelle

    Whatever the last Star Wars prequel was called was so boring I huddled in a stairwell and read a parenting magazine - I have no children, it was the only reading material I could find. I couldn't take a nap - the movie, and my rage, were too loud.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    Listen, Rochelle. Here's the thing. I can't forget this movie exists unless people stop mentioning it. Okay? Thanks. Bye.

  • Rochelle

    Sorry. I'll never mention it again. I'm so ashamed.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Mr. Julien and I were talking about that film this morning. We hated it so much it gave us energy. That and Skyfall were the movies in which we were so disappointed that we ranted all the way home in the car, ranted as we got ready for bed, and woke up and ranted well into the next morning.

  • $2786243

    A Quantum of Solace. I can't even tell you what happened in it.

  • space_oddity

    Skyfall is actually the last movie I fell asleep in! Fell asleep about half-way through and woke up during the last 10 minutes. Had no clue what was going on.

  • Rochelle

    The first and second prequel made me so angry I'm still ranting about them. By the third prequel I was beaten down and saw it only because I was forced at gunpoint. Ok, not actual gunpoint.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Soooo nice to hear someone else disappointed in Skyfall. It had some good points, but man did I hate the last 45 minutes at Wayne Manor.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Skyfall was maddening. I kept giving them the benefit of the doubt and I almost never care about Maguffiny machinations but that last Bond film was beyond the pale.

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    Whenever Mr Smith needs a nap, he looks for Silent Hill. Out like a light within ten minutes.

  • Why is Mr. Smith napping? He should be out looking for Neo. Zion isn't going to destroy itself, you know.

  • ExUSA

    This JUST happened to me-- I was so bored (and yes, drunk) at the Great Gatsby, I fell asleep. I got some dirty looks, but man it was just a crap adaptation.

  • It was way too long. 2.5 hours of Dicaprio's overly tanned, greasy looking smug face and confetti. Seriously...it felt like the entire set was made wholely of flowers and glitter.

  • sunset&camden

    Ray. Don't ask me why it was so damn boring, but I feel like we were watching that sucker for about eighteen days. Don't even remember if I finished it.

  • Return of Santitas

    Yes! I forgot about Ray. I did fall asleep, and every time I dozed off and woke up I thought, "well at least I've slept through some of this, it must be closer to being over" but it just seemed to go on and on. In the end I committed to sleeping and just zonked out.

  • DataAngel

    Here's where everyone starts to hate me.

    Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and the first Lord of the Rings movie. I can only sleep through them. I make it about 15 or 20 minutes in, and then... lights out. It probably wouldn't be good for me to watch while making my final hours feel longer, because I'd just nod off and sleep right through the Grim Reaper showing up.

  • Rochelle

    I have a friend who kept trying to see the first LOTR movie, but would fall asleep 15 - 20 minutes in. I refused to see it with her a third time, so she tried with some other people.

  • DataAngel

    There must be some sort of subliminal message in it that hits only a small number of people.

  • blacksred

    Brooklyn's Finest and Miami Vice. Both times I felt as if I was being punished for something.

  • Derreck

    I'll probably be alone with this but Beasts of the Southern Wild and The Artist. With both of them, i counted the minutes until i would be released from my torture. I can't nap during films but both of them were very strong contenders.

    In another story, I went to see Chicago on Broadway and sat near a woman who slept through the entire thing. That was one expensive assed nap.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I see a lot of theater, and I am ashamed to say that I occasionally, to my mortification, doze off. LIke, I missed the scene that gives the whole point of A Moon for the Misbegotten. Starring Cherry Jones and Gabriel Byrne. I was so mad it myself, but it was such a long, quiet play....

    But I see a lot of shows at Roundabout, a subscription theater, and there is more likely to be someone in my vicinity sleeping rather than watching (even if it's not a matinee)

  • Ashley Avenger

    The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I was fifteen and it was a snow day. My mom and I "watched" it together. We were both asleep within the hour. That was probably the best nap I've ever had.

  • OldSchool60

    'Barry Lyndon'.

    I went to see it first weekend it was out, in a movie theater.
    I honestly do not remember more than brief snapshots of this film.

    After 'A Clockwork Orange', it seems that Mr. Kubrick crawled so far up his own ass that he created some kind of Mobius Loop of self-absorption.

  • $27019454

    And it goes without saying that The Hours was THE CURE for insomnia.

  • $27019454

    Planet of the Apes the Mark Wahlberg version. All I wanted was fro him to get naked or at least kinda. Did he ever? I would not know. I fell asleep. I LOVE the Heston version, btw. ALL the Ape movies = LOVE. But this one was SNORE.

    Also, Underworld. Fucking melodramatic overwrought rock video. I got super high in anticipation, thinking, OOOh vampires and werewolves...yay! Maybe that was my mistake. We rented it again, recently, for my teen son the other night and I left the room and fell asleep in bed before I could conk out on the couch.

    The Good ... Soldier? something. The one with Matt Damon about the CIA with Angelina and DeNiro? My husband and son love that too. The first 5 hours of that movie are OK. It's the second 5 hours that put me to sleep. God. So long. Such peregrinations.

    I am from a family who collectively LOVES The English Patient (including my husband and 14-yeart-old son, so I am pleasantly surprised not to find anyone listing that one (yet).

  • DeltaJuliet

    My friend and I had rented The English Patient for a girls night when it had first come out. Good Lord I HATE that movie. Thanks for the Elaine reference because when I saw that Seinfeld episode I was like "yes! me too!" I HATE IT!

    That Seinfeld episode was the only good thing about that movie.

  • LuLu

    I loathed The English Patient. My mom made me and my dad watch it. I flopped around on the couch like Elaine from Seinfeld saying just die already. Then my dad joined in and my mom was super pissed.

    The Hours was another tedious one and I only stayed because there was an old couple behind me and the man couldn't hear well and he kept asking his wife if anyone was going to actually do anything in the film. During Meryl's breakdown in the kitchen he kept saying " she needs to put that food in the fridge before it goes bad. Why isn't she putting the food up." So thank you random old dude for my only entertainment during that movie.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I just rewatched most of The English Patient - it is one that is long and somewhat slow - and everyone mentions it as boring. I remembered enjoying it the first time I saw in the theater, and I've read the (excellent) book since, so I was glad it held up.

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