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The Most Boring Film You've Ever Seen


An Afternoon Comment Diversion / Dustin Rowles

Comment Diversions | September 9, 2009 | Comments (271)


With our triumphant return to weekly afternoon comment diversions, the first question I want to ask is this: What’s the most boring movie you’ve ever seen. Not worst. Even boring movies can be good (see Lost in Translation). I’m talking about movies where you find yourself trying to will yourself into waiting at least five minutes before checking your watch again. Glacially paced movies where nothing happens. Plot-less character studies or movies heavy on atmospherics and light on action and dialogue. KnowwhatI’msaying?

I know it’ll sound like I’m beating a dead horse with my choice, but God’s honest: The Lord of the Rings trilogy (take your pick) were the longest, most tedious, dullest movies I’ve ever experienced. They filled me with anxiousness; with dread; with unbelievable antsiness. They make me so restless that, were I to be wearing a trench coat, my fidgets could be mistaken for something that could get me arrested in public. I can withstand a lot of bad, but the LoTR are the rare movie that actually make me want to cry.

How about you, folks? The most boring film you’ve ever seen?


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Comments

Watchmeh.....

My hopes were built up so much and then....huh? The opening credits were awesome, Jackie Earle Haley was phenomenal, but the rest? Please, bitch. Ain't enough giant blue penis in the WORLD to make that worthwhile.

Posted by: dammitjanet at September 9, 2009 3:05 PM

sleepless in seattle.
my mom and i literally fell asleep in the theater.

Posted by: gem at September 9, 2009 3:05 PM

Until recently, it was 2001: A Space Odyssey, but I finally saw Eraserhead, which is officially the longest 90 minutes ever recorded. I can't accept the symbolism if the film doesn't make any god damn senses.

As for Lord of the Rings, Dustin, shut the fuck up on that. Just because you hated it doesn't make it any less awesome, the movie was long, but damn it, it was awe- some while it was at it.

Posted by: George at September 9, 2009 3:06 PM

Tender Mercies and Sex & The City.

Posted by: Sofía at September 9, 2009 3:06 PM

Mary Reily. Ugh.

Posted by: Drew at September 9, 2009 3:07 PM

Oh, also The Fellowship of the Ring (I didn't bother with the other two) and The Phantom Menace.

Posted by: Sofía at September 9, 2009 3:08 PM

I'll say The Ice Storm. I remember reading about the film and the cast and expecting at least something tense and dramatic. And I remember leaving the theater thinking, "That was it?" I don't remember the movie at all, which has to be a strong sign of boredom.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at September 9, 2009 3:10 PM

Lost in Translation. I was almost crying with boredom about halfway through.

Rocket Science. I know a lot of people here loved it but it bored the life out of me.

Posted by: figgy at September 9, 2009 3:11 PM

The matrix. I have never been able to watch it without falling asleep. The first 30 minutes are awesome, however.

Posted by: liiz at September 9, 2009 3:11 PM

Another nod for Sofia Coppola: Marie Antoinette.

Posted by: lynx at September 9, 2009 3:11 PM

How to Make an American Quilt, the only movie I've ever walked out on because I was falling asleep.

They were having puppy adoptions in the theatre lobby, so I spent the rest of my movie time petting cute little dogs instead. Much better. At least it was a dollar theatre, so I only wasted one measly dollar on that waste of film.

Posted by: Nat at September 9, 2009 3:12 PM

Any period drama about incredibly rich people whining about their lack of love/friends/happiness/a decent steak and then being cunts to one another because it's all they've ever known to be.

They don't say 'cunt' though. they say 'being inappropriate'.

Posted by: Kissing Girls Makes You Sleepy at September 9, 2009 3:13 PM

Return Of The King
The English Patient

any of the new Star Wars films

Posted by: Agent Scully at September 9, 2009 3:13 PM

One Night in Paris

Posted by: henchman for hire at September 9, 2009 3:14 PM

Oh my God, let up on the LOTR hate, for crying out loud. How you can watch hours of battles, great acting and dialog, skillful direction and fantastic music and effects and still be bored is beyond me. Let the hate go, my friend. There are far more deserving films out there.

Face Off gets my vote. This film was nothing but Nic Cage (already a vote against it) and Travolta shooting at each other. In prison, in cars, in boats, in some place with a lot of glass, it was nothing but an eternity of gunfire. Talk about the fidgets. I kept looking at my watch (I'm one of those who will watch even a bad movie to the bitter end because I paid for it) every ten minutes. I'm getting antsy just thinking about it.

Also some Robin Williams movie where his kids die and go to heaven, and then he gets killed and goes there too, but the wife kills herself and goes to hell, and he has to rescue her. Dreadful stuff. There were a few interesting visuals but mainly it was a lot of emotional manipulation at the crudest level. I'd rather watch that centipede thing, or even Boxing Helena because at least it seems like you could laugh at those.

Posted by: DeadBessie at September 9, 2009 3:17 PM

The Age of Innocence

Christ, that is some boring shit.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at September 9, 2009 3:17 PM

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. 'Nuff said.

Posted by: Edward Nigma at September 9, 2009 3:17 PM

I would add Munich to that list with Lost in Translation. Both good movies, just a little too boring.

I watched Scanners for the first time a few months ago and I have to say, I was bored shitless. I don't care if I get shit for that. And seriously, not nearly enough Michael Ironside.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at September 9, 2009 3:18 PM

The Royal Tennenbaums

Great movie, but hard to sit through the first time.

Posted by: Brian at September 9, 2009 3:18 PM

Easy.The thin red line. SOOOOOO SLLLLLOOOOOOWWW.

Posted by: chad at September 9, 2009 3:18 PM

Solaris. (The remake, not the original.)

Posted by: sweetfeed at September 9, 2009 3:19 PM

No particular order - these all sucked equally.

1. Buffalo 66 - I'd rather eat a fistful of sand than watch that again.

2. 15 Minutes - De Niro was in it - thought it couldn't be that bad. So wrong.

3. Sleepy Hollow - Where my Depp/Burton/Elfman combo bucket reached it's limit.

4. Jodie Foster Alien Movie With McConodouche - Good Christ that movie dragged.

5. Gummo - When the most interesting thing about your movie is a piece of fucking bacon taped to a bathroom wall, you, my friend, have officially made a boring film.

Posted by: Skitz at September 9, 2009 3:20 PM

I realize I will be tarred and feathered for this, but "Adaptation" seemed to me to last just a little longer than Shoah and at one point I going out for a walk and coming back to catch the end of the scene it seemed to be dragging so much.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 9, 2009 3:20 PM

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. 'Nuff said.

No, that was even worse. In a boring movie, at least you can fall asleep, but that thing was just obnoxious. The volume was so loud, I felt like I was hit in the head with a frying pan after leaving the theater. It was beneath even the meager talents of Michael Bay to send that abortion upon the screen.

Posted by: George at September 9, 2009 3:20 PM

Atonement was another one. I just didn't give a fuck about anything that happened in it. I could see why it was considered a good movie but I kept itching to fast forward most of the damned thing and just get to the ending already.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona is another one I couldn't finish. I gave up about half an hour before the ending, because nothing was happening, and I was bored with all the horrible characters. Not even Javier Bardem could keep me watching.

2001: Space Odyssey: I think I got 15 minutes into it by falling asleep.

Citizen Kane: I have absolutely no memory of this thing. I remember wanting to fall asleep, but forcing myself to watch so I could say I had.

Posted by: figgy at September 9, 2009 3:21 PM

I forgot about Eraserhead! I couldn't get through that either, and I'm normally a fan of David Lynch and the first to say, "Well, it may be sick and weird, but you can't say it's boring." Eraserhead proved me wrong.

Posted by: DeadBessie at September 9, 2009 3:21 PM

DeadBessie:
Great call. Thought I had blocked that one out--What Dreams May Come.
The title even suggests that you are guaranteed to fall asleep whilst watching...

Posted by: lynx at September 9, 2009 3:22 PM

The English Patient
The Horse Whisperer

Posted by: Melody at September 9, 2009 3:24 PM

1. Glen or Glenda
2. Wild, Wild West
3. Two Much

Posted by: sansho1 at September 9, 2009 3:26 PM

Spider-Man 2. Who cares about all that high-flying action and the quick-witted webslinger? Let's focus on that drip Peter Parker and dull-as-dishwater girlfriend, Snagglepuss. I fast-forwarded through every scene where Toby Maguire wasn't in costume and the movie last about 40 minutes.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at September 9, 2009 3:27 PM

Thanks for the title, lynx; now I won't accidentally rent it again. Up till now I just avoided anything with Robin Williams in it, which is probably for the best anyway.

Posted by: DeadBessie at September 9, 2009 3:27 PM

See, the thing is I DID fall asleep during Transformers 2...yes, even during the millionth Shia-scream and bolt sound. Then again, I might've just fallen unconscious, seeing that my brain seemed to initiate an emergency shutoff before the cinematic Hell being projected on-screen could cause any damage to my cortex.

Posted by: Edward Nigma at September 9, 2009 3:28 PM

Lost in Transla zzzzzzzzzzz

Posted by: uselessmale at September 9, 2009 3:29 PM

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

Posted by: prawntastic at September 9, 2009 3:30 PM

Exorcist 2: The Heretic

I think it's about 14 hours long.
3 of those hours spent in "locust perspective mode."
I mean, what the fuck.

Posted by: A Marie at September 9, 2009 3:31 PM

I'm trying really hard to think of one, but they must all have been so boring that I completely forgot about them.

(I'm not trying to be clever... I know I've been bored to death in movies, but I really can't think of any...)

Posted by: MM at September 9, 2009 3:32 PM

Agree on the LOTR hate. If you cut the 45 minutes of Elijah Wood grimacing from each of the movies you would have two watchable movies left.

Posted by: Eep at September 9, 2009 3:32 PM

The English Patient was so boring it provided me of the best ever naps. It was like someone was serving me Ambien and Vicodin with a warm milk chaser while I was taking a warm bath.

Posted by: branded at September 9, 2009 3:32 PM

Lorna's Silence comes to mind, but that's just because I saw it recently.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at September 9, 2009 3:34 PM

Sansho1: How could you find "Glen or Glenda" boring? It's an interactive movie. You HAVE to MST3K it yourself.

I honestly can't recall the most boring movie I've ever seen. Since Netflix rents by the month and not by the movie, if I'm bored, I pop that sucka out of the DVD player and mail it back pronto.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 9, 2009 3:35 PM

the fountain.

so. freaking. boring.

Posted by: bree at September 9, 2009 3:35 PM

The Departed

I have seen Infernal Affairs several times and can still watch it with utter fascination. With The Departed I was bored half an hour into it, and it didn't let up.

Posted by: Todd at September 9, 2009 3:38 PM

Hmmmmm I rarely rarely skip through movies but I totally skipped through Mama Mia. Oh!


Terms of Endearment.


I never thought that was gonna end.

Posted by: grace b at September 9, 2009 3:38 PM

The Deer Hunter.

Sacrilege?

Posted by: faze at September 9, 2009 3:38 PM

Battleship Potemkin. It was in a class screening two or three times, at least. I never stayed awake long enough to see the damn baby carriage.

Posted by: Lauren at September 9, 2009 3:38 PM

The dumb friggin' holiday one with Nic Cage, Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz. Holy shit sammich, that movie was boring as hell. Not just because it was dumber than an inebriated kitten, but because... Jesus, I can't even remember - I fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up, peed & had a cigarette, fell asleep, woke up, went to a bar, went home, mastermabated and fell asleep.

Dumb Christmas movies are a goddam snoozefest...

Posted by: Skitz at September 9, 2009 3:38 PM

Wall*E.

Posted by: ed newman at September 9, 2009 3:39 PM

I found Godfather (1 and 2) some of the dullest films ever, both were far too long with not enough happening.

Posted by: Temet Nosce at September 9, 2009 3:39 PM

2001 a space boressey
No country for old bored men

Posted by: zito at September 9, 2009 3:40 PM

Wicker Park was the only film to date I've fallen asleep during. It was just confusing and kind of whatever. It made little to no sense, and it was about as taut as a wet paper towel.
I could run off some artsy fartsy movies I found boring but could respect on some level, but the list is looooong and I'm getting sleepy already.

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at September 9, 2009 3:40 PM

Meet Joe Black. That was even during my Brad Pitt phase, when I didn't think he could do wrong. It was just painful. Not bad, per se, but I almost got to the point of pulling out my eyelashes just to keep from dozing off.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at September 9, 2009 3:42 PM

This one is so easy: The New World (that Malick movie with Bale and Colin Farrell). Paaaaaaainfully slow. Good night, do something people.

Posted by: ronifer at September 9, 2009 3:43 PM

Bubble. Soderbergh failed me on this one:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0454792/

Posted by: Jen at September 9, 2009 3:43 PM

Off the top of my head I would have to say Thin Red Line. So horribly boring. There are only so many shots of sunlight trickling through leaves, swaying grass and small pygmy children swiming in blue waters I can stand.

I almost flew into a rage when I saw George Clooney come in at the end of the movie. I was terrified that there would be another hour, since who brings in George Clooney at the very end of the film? Luckily, the answer to that question is Terrence Malick.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at September 9, 2009 3:47 PM

Some top flight contenders:

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
G.I. Joe
Juno
Mamma Mia
The House Bunny
Rendition

but the king mother of them all, There Will Be Blood, minus "the scenes". You'd expect heavy handed metaphor and high pitched noises to at least keep you awake, after all it seems to work for the Saw movies. (Though at least none of the Saw movies are 3 frakking hours long.)

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at September 9, 2009 3:48 PM

No Country For Old Men

I just didn't get it and I kept waiting for the movie to start. Honestly, all I got out of that was Daniel Day Lewis found oil and he had a brother or maybe he didn't and there were twins but maybe there weren't...and who the fuck cares?

Posted by: Kiko at September 9, 2009 3:49 PM

I am Trying to Break Your Heart

Posted by: b at September 9, 2009 3:50 PM

I was thoroughly bored by Lost in Translation. Maybe I'm an uncultured cretin or was just in the wrong frame of mind, but it did absolutely nothing for me. OH. But you know what was worse? That Cuban Missile Crisis movie that Costner did. Thirteen Days? God, that movie was dull.

Posted by: velocibadgergirl at September 9, 2009 3:50 PM

I've fallen asleep on ONE movie in my life, so I guess it qualifies as boring: Elizabeth, The Golden Age.

Maybe it was the "living room" type theater where I saw the flick, or the Strongbow and BBQ Bacon burger they allowed me to inhale on the couch, but about 1/2 hour in, I was toast.

Posted by: ceejeemcbeegee at September 9, 2009 3:51 PM

Started Momma's Man a few nights ago. Stopped it about 15 minutes in for a phone call and I haven't had the slightest desire to pick it back up again.

And I walked out of Legend in 1985 to get some quality Dig Dug time in. That. Movie. Sucked.

Posted by: JH at September 9, 2009 3:51 PM

Sorry, George and DeadBessie, but I concur. I sat through all three damned theaterical releases of the LOTR movies, each time hoping I would get caught up in some of the magic everyone else seemed to be experiencing, and each time finding nothing to occupy my ever-wandering mind but analyzing why all of a sudden the Shire was so full of not-so-subtle homo-eroticism.

Seriously, armchair-grippingly, teeth-grindingly boring from beginning to end.

Runner-up: "The Straight Story," a Disney-associated live-action about a man who drives cross country on a riding mower. I saw this in a theater and started to believe I could actually hear my life ending minute by minute.

Posted by: Tammy at September 9, 2009 3:52 PM

The Savages

Posted by: buttercup at September 9, 2009 3:52 PM

Good call on The Thin Red Line, donut. I was younger and dumber at the time, but I didn't make it through that one.

Posted by: Sean at September 9, 2009 3:53 PM

GERRY. Ugh. Casey Affleck and Matt Damon are reasonably low on my list of actors who make me want to blind and deafen myself, and Gus Van Sant can be kind of cool, but after the travesty that is Gerry, it took The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, The Departed, and Milk respectively for me to warm back up to these guys. I understand that part of the point of the film was to make me uncomfortable, but 103 minutes of "deliberately lingering, minimalist takes"? It's just too much (too little?) for me to take...

Posted by: agave at September 9, 2009 3:53 PM

Traceer, Spider-Man 2? I love that movie just for the awesome that is Dr. Octopus. I want to kiss whoever thought up that casting.

Also, I have to put in my vote for new Star Wars #2 - we know she's gonna die and he's gonna go all evil ASAP so we get to watch them smarm around in a fucking meadow? She was such a badass in the first one and the second one was just a waste of celluloid.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at September 9, 2009 3:54 PM

IMDB tells me Straight Story was directed by David Lynch, as well. Who fucking knew? All I know was I could feel my hair growing in the time it took for that movie to reach a point.

Posted by: Tammy at September 9, 2009 3:55 PM

Wall*E.

Posted by: ed newman at September 9, 2009 3:39 PM

NOOOOOOOO! Here we go again.

Posted by: Agent Scully at September 9, 2009 3:56 PM

300 and Transformers. Walked out of the former, and fell asleep during the latter.

Posted by: Becca at September 9, 2009 3:56 PM

It was set in France. Naomi Watts was there. Someone was pregnant. There was this bit about scarves that piqued my interest. And it was the first reference I heard to a "Birkin Bag". The rest was painful. The kind of movie where you are waiting for it it start while eyeing the clock, as in, "Well, it's already an hour in, they'd better hurry up and set up a plot."

Posted by: Liz at September 9, 2009 3:56 PM

oops, did I mean There Will Be Blood - shit I did.

Posted by: Kiko at September 9, 2009 3:57 PM

some quality Dig Dug time

Hee hee hee (snort) HA HA (giggle)

That made my afternoon. 80s nostalgia FTW.

Posted by: MM at September 9, 2009 3:57 PM

Dr. Strangelove is to date the only movie that I have watched with my husband that was so mind numbingly boring that I went to the other room and got my book and started reading. My husband does this all the time, but he got all pissy when I did it.
Also, Silent Running was recommended by one of my husband's co-workers. It is a completely retarded, boring crap-fest with some hippy-dippy ass soundtrack. y husband's co-worker had his movie recommending privileges revoked after that.

Posted by: androstarr at September 9, 2009 3:57 PM

My. Dinner. With. Andre.

I saw it 20 years ago and I sometimes suspect I am still watching it in some parallel universe. It never ended.

Posted by: lil_a at September 9, 2009 3:58 PM

Agree with a bunch, and also
The Last of the Mohicans
Portrait of a Lady

Posted by: Nimue at September 9, 2009 3:58 PM

Magnolia.

I fell asleep and woke up to frogs falling from the sky, and I still couldn't bring myself to care why.

Posted by: menotyou at September 9, 2009 3:58 PM

Fay Grim by Hal Hartley with Parker Posey. It's 118 minutes that feel like a thousand. At some point the main character (Posey) gets kidnapped or something and is interrogated by a morrocan terrorist for what feels like hours.
I enjoyed it though, but the two friends I went with have no recollection of the movie except for the fact they were sleeping in very comfortable chairs.

Posted by: Ju/ at September 9, 2009 4:00 PM

Secret Life of Words (Tim Robbins and Sarah polley).

Bleak, Slow. Quiet...but not even the tension filled quiet. Takes place on an oil rig in the north sea. lots of staring into the grey bleak sea-sky. ugh. Painful and no realistic resolution to their misery. or mine.

Posted by: bluefalseindigo at September 9, 2009 4:01 PM

Liz, was that Le Divorce?

Posted by: Kiko at September 9, 2009 4:02 PM

Legends of the Fall

Posted by: Morgagod at September 9, 2009 4:03 PM

Mrs. Creosote and I were at the drive-in watching the Fantastic Four-now granted, it was the second movie of a double feature, but the credits roll, the movie starts, and BAM the next thing I know some guy is knocking on the window because we're both asleep and the place is closing. I'm not sure what's more embarrassing. The guy knocking on the window or the fact that all we were doing was sleeping.

Posted by: mrcreosote at September 9, 2009 4:03 PM

Oh! Oh! Mission to Mars.
spoiler
Tim Robbins fucking froze solid while everyone in the movie cried and I just did. not. care.

Posted by: Sean at September 9, 2009 4:03 PM

I would like to third? fourth? The Thin Red Line. I've never prayed harder for the end of a movie to come.

Posted by: Lindsay at September 9, 2009 4:06 PM

Dr. Strangelove? Really? I mean, this all a matter of individual taste but Dr. Strangelove? Really?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at September 9, 2009 4:08 PM

All The Real Girls was so dull, I was actually angry at myself for sticking with it and wasting my evening. It was like watching someone's hair grow.

That and pretty much any Gus Van Sant movie. (excluding Good Will Hunting)

Posted by: bubblegumshoe at September 9, 2009 4:08 PM

ceejeemcbeegee, I concur with the Elizabeth induced boredom. I actually just saw it for the first time yesterday and I will tell you weren't toast because of the BBQ bacon cheeseburger, that movie was bor-ing.

I was also bored out of my fucking skull during the 1st LOTR, I don't even remember what that one was called. What made it even worse was that I had to write an English paper on the movie and the sheer boredom made it so difficult to pay attention and not try to fall asleep. In fact I think I ended up getting a horrible grade and that specific paper.

Not that it mattered, the professor of an English Literature course assigned us to watch the movie instead of assigning us to read the book; he was an idiot.

/tangent

Posted by: ashes at September 9, 2009 4:09 PM

I had a roommate in college who made me watch an Iranian movie that I think was called "A Taste of Cherries." The whole premise was that this guy wanted to kill himself, but he had to find someone who would agree to bury him once he did it. He wandered around being depressed and talking to people for like three hours, and then at the end YOU DON'T EVEN FIND OUT WHETHER HE KILLED HIMSELF. It was the most boring movie I've ever seen, bar none.

Posted by: Siege at September 9, 2009 4:14 PM

London. I found it in the $3 DVD bin and bought it because Jason Statham is in it. I waited patiently through the boring beginning, because I knew that once Statham arrived, there'd be plenty of ass-kicking good times, and it would all be worth it.

2 painfully long hours later, the credits began rolling. And there had only been one pathetic fight scene. I almost cried. I was promised (by the presence of Statham on the cover) that there would be ass kicking! I want those 2 hours back, dammit!

Posted by: Bethany at September 9, 2009 4:15 PM

Sean >> I liked to use the picture-in-picture to freeze that shot of frozen Tim Robbins and leave it on the screen whenever I saw that Mission To Mars was on TV. I found it melodramatic and hilarious.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 9, 2009 4:18 PM

What is that movie with Harrison Ford and the robots? You know the one. It's like a bad nightmare that won't end, sharply contrasted only with the soft, supple features of that robot chick that didn't know she was a robot. It was dark. DARK dark. So dark you cannot have a single light on w/in 50 yards or it's unwatchable.

Oh yeah. Blade Runn.... (snore)

Posted by: superasente at September 9, 2009 4:18 PM

Okay I hated There will be Blood.
I usually really like DDL too, I hated his actorliness in this movie.

I haven't ever found out but was his son the kid in Little Miss Sushine, another WAY overrated movie?

HATED IT!
I hated the whole gutter metaphor ending I wanted to kick something.

Posted by: Amanda at September 9, 2009 4:19 PM

A definite tie between "There Will Be Blood" and "Broken Flowers." I didn't know you could be homicidally bored until TWBB.

Posted by: muttleycrew at September 9, 2009 4:19 PM

Into Great Silence. Documentary. 2005.

From IMDB: "A sensitive and deeply moving film. We follow the life in silence of the monks in the Grande Chartreuse Monastery in the French Alps. Only once a week are the monks aloud to talk when they go for a walk in the woods or glide in the snow during winter."

Length: Almost 3 hours.

Chance that Nap Will Occur: Guaranteed

Posted by: memily at September 9, 2009 4:20 PM

Hey Bethany....*whispers* "I loved London". shhhh, don't tell anyone. I hear most people think it is a horrible, horrible movie and yes, it may be, but it has Jason Statham. Jason Statham doing drugs no less. How can anything be boring when you have the gorgeous Statham getting all coked up and going fucking apeshit on a bunch of young, rich, pretentious socialites??

Posted by: ashes at September 9, 2009 4:24 PM

Howards End.

Oh my great godtopus, did I want to kill myself.

Posted by: Emily at September 9, 2009 4:25 PM

Second The New World.

Also Alexander.

It's bad when Colin Farrell, Christian Bale, or Angelina Jolie can't keep me interested.

Posted by: imiachra at September 9, 2009 4:26 PM

I've tried to watch Wings of Desire 3 times. 3 times I have fallen asleep. I'm sure it is lovely, poetic, deeply meaningful...{snore}

Posted by: Lee at September 9, 2009 4:28 PM

88 Minutes. Which I was dragged to, by my mother, then still under the impression that Al Pacino was still relevant.

I second Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It was about an hour and six battle scenes too long.

Posted by: ladydi at September 9, 2009 4:28 PM

I like where your head's at, Darth. Storing that one in the old idea bin.

Posted by: Sean at September 9, 2009 4:28 PM

Two come to mind: The English Patient, and Moulin Rouge. HATE HATE HATE. And I was just so terribly bored.

Posted by: Julie at September 9, 2009 4:31 PM

It's definately not the worst or most boring that I've ever seen but it's the only one I can remember off of the top of my head: Adventureland.

Posted by: admin at September 9, 2009 4:31 PM

Admin, I'm sorry to do this, but this is my biggest spelling pet peeve:

DEFINITELY.

My apologies.

Posted by: Sean at September 9, 2009 4:35 PM

Eyes Wide Shut. Nope, not wide - just shut. Utterly dull, interspersed with moments of crashing boredom.
Montenegro. A date took me to this back in the 70's. I think it was supposed to be an erotic movie. I fell asleep and missed any sex there might have been. (The same guy also took me to The Night Porter. I think he was trying to awaken my libido, so he could get some. And I suspect his wingman suggested this tactic. Total waste of time really, as I'd far rather have banged the wingman...)

LOTR - all of it. I went with a pal who is a fan, and hates to watch movies alone. I'm sure the production values, effects etc., were amazing. I just don't care. The whole saga failed to involve me on any level.

Posted by: Tarn at September 9, 2009 4:37 PM

The only two movies that I have ever intentionally not finished were quit not necessarily because they were bad (though they were) but moreso because they were the most boring piles of garbage I've ever tried to watch: Ocean's Eleven (The original Rat Pack version), and Across The Universe.

Also, my film snob card will be revoked, but I hated Wings of Desire for this very reason. The cinematography was amazing; I've never so hated such a beautiful movie. But god was it dull. I still can't quite believe that I never shut it off.

Posted by: Bistro at September 9, 2009 4:39 PM

atonement. oh jesus christ on a pogo stick make it stop.

Posted by: betsy at September 9, 2009 4:41 PM

Ugh, that Adam Sandler dreck that came out this summer was awful. It's when I discovered my new watch had glow-in-the-dark hands as I was constantly checking it.
Of all thime though? Well, the only movie I ever walked out on was something with Ryan Phipippe like 10 years ago. I think it was 'The way of the gun?'
I did get my moneys worth though, as then-boyfriend and I 'did it' (our oh-so-adult terminlogy of the time) in the back of the theater as word must've gotten to everyone besides us that the movie sucked donkeyballs so we were the only ones there.
Hey, in high school, a parent-free dark place to boink is worth the even-then exhorbitant price of movie admission.
So,
Movie: fail
Crossing public nudity and lewd behavior off bucket list: win.

Posted by: hersheygirl at September 9, 2009 4:46 PM

The Riddler beat me to it - "Transformers 2." Most recent movie I can think of where I was bored as hell.

Maybe "Once Upon a Time in the West," if not for the constant use of the same music over and over again.

Posted by: Doric at September 9, 2009 4:46 PM

Doctor Controversy, I completely agree about There Will Be Blood. But what's worse than being bored by the movie is having a LOT of people tell you how stupid it makes you that you didn't get it. Excuse me?

I found Extract to be really boring. When you can't wait for a 90-minute movie (starring Jason Bateman!!) to be over, you've chosen the wrong movie.

Posted by: Caroline at September 9, 2009 4:47 PM

I totally forgot the existence of Mission To Mars. That was a booooring one indeed. And a bad one too.

Posted by: Ju/ at September 9, 2009 4:51 PM

Brokeback Mountain.

(ducks)

There was a good story there, but it could have been told in thirty, forty minutes tops. The endless landscape shots made me want to aerate my skull.

Speaking of which: I didn't think LOTR was boring. This is because during the day-long LOTR love-fest my high school boyfriend subjected me to, I mentally composed a dissertation on homosexual subtext. Unfortunately, I betrayed my lofty academic goals when unable to conceal rampant snickering during the scene at the end of the third movie where they all jump on the bed in slow motion. And then make sweet, hairy love to each other.

Posted by: antoinette jeanine at September 9, 2009 4:53 PM

Dune
Vanilla Sky

Posted by: ugh at September 9, 2009 4:57 PM

I think "The Talented Mr. Ripley" was by far, the most boring movie I have ever had to sit through. That movie was terrible and dragged on and on.

Honorable Mention to "Any Given Sunday"

Posted by: kylers at September 9, 2009 4:59 PM

BWeaves, what can I tell you? I saw Glen or Glenda years before Ed Wood came out, so I didn't have the benefit of that perspective. Obviously, I knew enough to expect so-bad-it's-good, but what I got was so-boring-I-can't-make-it-good.

That's the thing about Ed Wood flicks -- they're not bad because of the outlandishly cheap schlock. They're bad because of the static camerawork and interminable expositions.

Posted by: sansho1 at September 9, 2009 5:08 PM

I'm sure my choice will dismay many a movie aficionado and I'm sure I'm missing the subtle nuances or some other crap, but good god was "Glengarry Glen Ross" a snooze-fest. Take out the whole Alec Baldwin "pep" talk, and I can't remember one other thing about that movie.

Posted by: Kristi at September 9, 2009 5:09 PM

Open Water.

Couldn't that just have been left at a 15 minute blurp on Discovery's Shark Week?

Posted by: Em at September 9, 2009 5:09 PM


Oooh. Peter Jackson's King Kong. Something like an hour and a half before we get to see the fucking ape. I thought it would never, ever end.

Superasente: You just reminded me that I also fell asleep halfway through Blade Runner. It was mind-numbingly boring to me. I woke up and they were fighting and I didn't give a damn about why. Uuuurgh.

Posted by: figgy at September 9, 2009 5:10 PM

There is a Peter Greenway short, I think Goole By Numbers, that is just a narrator talking over a map as it shows different locations.

So boring that it circled back around to fascinating. I think it hypnotized me.

That would explain the whole chicken thing.

Posted by: Drake at September 9, 2009 5:14 PM

Two words: Jim Jarmusch. I keep giving him a chance, and sometimes it pays off (i.e. Night on Earth), but, my God: Broken Flowers, (90% of) Coffee and Cigarettes, Ghost Dog (which I wanted to love so, so much), Mystery Train (fuck you, it's awful), and Down by Law (which, again, I wanted to love)? YAWN.

For the record, I love some of the (traditionally) Most Boring Movies Ever: Slacker, which achieves some kind of Zen state; There Will Be Blood, which is a Grade A, God-Damned laugh-riot from front to back
that, if it bores you, can prove you have no soul; and the collected works of David Lynch.

In regards to Deer Hunter: If that wedding scene could be cut in length by, say, an hour-and-a-half, it might be great.

Posted by: Majesky at September 9, 2009 5:14 PM

Has everyone repressed the memory of Benjamin Button?

THE HOURS (Jesus suffering fuck that was endless)

The Age of Innocence


Atonement

Synedoche, New York

War of the Worlds (It's scary and then part way through you
just have to say AND? after which I defy you stay awake)

Eyes Wide Shut

All of Woody Allen's recent movies. If Ewan McGregor AND Colin
Farrell can't keep it interesting then nothing can. EWAN
MCGREGOR AND COLIN FARRELL!

Which leads me to -

The English Patient Although my hatred for characters kept me
awake, so I'm not sure it counts. I wished I was asleep. I bet that
counts.

Speaking of things I hate -

I hated The Dark Knight, but perhaps that is to be saved for the list
of films you found vile. I nominate Seven for that list. And
Mr. Destiny. Different films, different vile.

Posted by: Henry at September 9, 2009 5:14 PM

memily: another vote for "Into Great Silence". I think that's the only movie I've *ever* fallen asleep while watching in a theatre. And I stayed awake through a film festival movie about old French guys eating soup...

Posted by: silentq at September 9, 2009 5:16 PM

Let's see most recently Watchmen. I watched it over this labor day weekend, I had 4 days off and it took me all 4 days to watch the movie.

Previously it was Max Payne, I attempted to watch it 2 times both times I fell asleep.

Posted by: DoubleH at September 9, 2009 5:16 PM

I will have to agree with everyone who has said The Thin Red Line. That is the only film I actually stood up to walk out on, then I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Then again I will also agree with those that said The New World.

Terrence Malick can suck my nuts. Quit asshole. You're boring as fuck.

Posted by: Deistbrawler at September 9, 2009 5:16 PM

LOVE hugh jackman
WOULD GO STRAIGHT for rachel weisz

tried FOUR TIMES in the course of TWO years to get further than THIRTY minutes into the fountain.

and it looked awesome, but could not hold my attention for shit.

Posted by: gp at September 9, 2009 5:18 PM

2001: A Space Odyssey, without exception or apology. Single most boring hours of my life.

Posted by: coryo at September 9, 2009 5:19 PM

Sean, the main reason I like this website is that the vast majority of both the posters and writers seem to be able to speak, read, write and properly spell the English language. That's incredibly rare on the internet. For that reason, while it sometimes seems really douchey and useless to correct someone's spelling/typing error, I think the personal standards of Pajibans demand such effort. I've been impressed on many an occasion by posters making an error and then immediately posting a correction served up with a side order of self-loathing. This is the proper remedy for such errors. In the absence of such amendment, a polite comment seems in order. Having said that, I fucking hate "definately" with a fiery throbbing passion that oozes pus from every cracked, bleeding, and angry orifice.


Posted by: laredo at September 9, 2009 5:20 PM

Has everyone repressed the memory of Benjamin Button?

I haven't seen it. The previews looked boring and my mother, who thinks golf is great to watch, thought it was boring.

So I will never see it.

Posted by: DoubleH at September 9, 2009 5:21 PM

"Rushmore" & "Pearl Harbor" spring immediately to mind. Among older films, the debate begins & ends with "Barry Lyndon".

Posted by: Dudeman at September 9, 2009 5:21 PM

Eraserhead

I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. My friend was a big fan of David Lynch, but I just couldn't do it.

Posted by: commanderfunky at September 9, 2009 5:22 PM

True that, ZombieNurse! Meet Joe Black was incredibly, painfully boring. I was a Brad Pitt phase then too, but it did nothing for me.

However, I feel like The Blair Witch Project was even worse. What a dull, dragging movie. Even when I was 12 (and more likely to be scared), I found myself playing with the dog instead. Lots of talking, most ineffective visuals, uneven pacing. Snooze.
It had an interesting idea and I know it capitalized on a film-making method that has a profit margin the size of Mars, but ugh! SO BORING.

Posted by: Saint Saturn Sunshine at September 9, 2009 5:24 PM

Recently, Wolverine. Of all the reactions, I didn't expect that one: frequently staring at the ceiling, at my shoes, wondering how the hell this was worth £7. Easily one of those movies where you quickly wonder how it could possibly have been anything other than awful.

Posted by: Grafty at September 9, 2009 5:25 PM

"Open Water. Couldn't that just have been left at a 15 minute blurp on Discovery's Shark Week?"

Em, that coulda been five minutes of me crying and it would've eating toast on the toilet and been more interesting. About halfway through I was done. It was sad. I suppose it happens in real life, but man alive... That movie was slooooooow.

Posted by: Skitz at September 9, 2009 5:27 PM

The Thin Red Line. I saw it with my brother, who kept asking me what time is was and then saying "When is this gonna be over?" And my response was "It can't be over yet. We haven't even seen George Clooney."
Perfect example of a movie that looked action packed in the trailer, but turned out to be so looooonnngg and so goddamn slooowwww.

Posted by: Lemon Poundcake at September 9, 2009 5:29 PM

2001. I would have to be high to enjoy this. Like, "I'ma just sit in this chair and enjoy how cool it feels to move my head back and forth" high. I fast forwarded through the last 30 minutes and it was still mind-numbingly boring.

Posted by: s. pisaster at September 9, 2009 5:30 PM

Henry, thank you for saying Benjamin Button! I completely second that. Also, some movie called The Cat's Meow, I believe, that had Kirsten Dunst in it. It was a murder mystery and I swear, an hour in, no one had died. Or I just hadn't noticed.

Posted by: Clifford at September 9, 2009 5:30 PM

Malick's films definitely deserve to be up here. I never saw so much trees and wind-blowing as I did in The New World. You would have thought they were characters in the story. And just when you thought something would happen, he would show a river or some nature shit.

No Country for Old Men. I don't know what makes this movie so fucking incredible, because it bored the living shit out of me.

The Good Shepherd. It's been described as a "moody thriller" when it's just boring, pretentious crap. Jolie was overacting, Matt Damon looked constipated, and even with a few legends thrown in there (DiNiro, Pesci, etc) I fell asleep 3 times while I was watching it. I finally gave up after the violin scene.

Posted by: Brie at September 9, 2009 5:31 PM

The original Cache: Maybe I was a victim of hearing too much hype about the director, but this film wasn't tense enough nor interesting enough to hold my interest.

Titanic: Fucking dull and overrated. If I wanted to indulge in the long drawn out tale of a boat sinking, I'll listen to Gordon Lightfoot's Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald. It's much shorter and has far fewer annoying characters.

Eyes Wide Shut: Boring and unsexy. Nothing kills a boner like knowing a couple is on their last legs, and the lack of chemistry between Cruise and Kidman was far too obvious.

Posted by: David at September 9, 2009 5:33 PM

LOTR was torturous, however the Queen was the only movie i have ever fallen asleep during, and i didnt awaken until the credits.

Posted by: robin at September 9, 2009 5:33 PM

"The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford". The length of the title alone is indicative of the length of the movie... looooooooooong. sloooooooooooooooow. booooooooooring. zzzzzzzzzz....

Posted by: Renee at September 9, 2009 5:33 PM

Smilla's Sense of Snow. I know I saw the movie. Damned if I remember anything about it other than the title and the crippling sense of ennui.

Posted by: meaux at September 9, 2009 5:34 PM

I'd like to agree with those before me on this one: The Thin Red Line was fucking interminable.

Posted by: geekchicoho at September 9, 2009 5:36 PM

"...five minutes of me crying and it would've eating toast on the toilet...

And there you have it. My brain's giving out on me. Sigh...

Posted by: Skitz at September 9, 2009 5:37 PM

*eyes narrow on meaux*

i own and watch smilla every couple of years.

Posted by: gp at September 9, 2009 5:40 PM

-The Hours (yes...it was hours...and hours...a prosthetic nose does not save you...I am surprised only one other person has mentioned it)
-The Life Aquatic with Steve Zisou (or whoever...I felt I was drowning in this plodding pile)
And yes, I agree completely on effing
-Lost in Translation (it was...it blew)

Posted by: kx2 at September 9, 2009 5:40 PM

Spirit of the Beehive. Without a doubt. Spirit of the Goddamn Beehive. It just kept on going and going and going and then it ended and I was in a coma for three months.

Posted by: Penguin Inc at September 9, 2009 5:43 PM

"Orlando"
"Last Summer at Marienbad"
"Bobby Deerfield"

Posted by: rottenkitty at September 9, 2009 5:51 PM

Oooh! I thought of one. The Happening.

I didn't hate the twist/idea as much as most people, but damn if that movie wasn't a whole lotta nothing much. Booooorrrrrred.

Posted by: MM at September 9, 2009 5:52 PM

The Fountain, Mary Reilly, Eraserhead, The Assassination of Jesse....blah blah...All boring.

Posted by: K8WMA at September 9, 2009 5:52 PM

I checked my watch every 2 minutes during the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Even Johnny Depp couldn't keep me interested.

Posted by: Carissa at September 9, 2009 5:54 PM

Magnolia was incredibly boring to me. I might be willing to go back and give it another chance now...maybe...if it's on cable someday. When I saw it in the theatre, I had a horrible headache and just kept waiting for something interesting to happen and it! Never! DID! When it rained frogs I was just pissed off!

There Will Be Blood was pretty boring and slow to me as well, but Daniel Day Lewis made it worth the time spent.

Big Blue is a movie I will never sit through again. So boring. So slow. And lots of shots of huge, deep ocean, which triggers my agoraphobia.

Posted by: janetfaust at September 9, 2009 5:57 PM

Oh man.

Gummo. I wanted so badly to like this movie... but it just bored me and brought me down. Poor Foot Foot. Now I'm not even interested in his other film, Kids. I feel like it will be the same, only instead of focusing on those two boys... it will be one boy with aids spreading it to young girls.

At this moment I'm watching If and I am pretty bored. I feel like nothing has happened in an hour.

Posted by: ssarah at September 9, 2009 6:00 PM

I should say Transformers. But I'm not sure it qualifies since I was unable to sit through more than 5 minutes at a time. It's always on. The husband always watches it. And it always sends me into another room to nap.

Also Rachel Getting Married and Margot at the Wedding. I snoozed through parts of both of them so now they tend to run together in my mind.

Posted by: greer at September 9, 2009 6:00 PM

David, I saw Cache with three friends. After it was over, we all agreed that if each of us had been alone, we would have walked out on it.

Too lazy to look up whoever said My Dinner With Andre, but I heartily second it. I only made it through 40 minutes, and I think I checked my watch about 100 times.

My weirdest boring movie is the one I thought both too long and too short - The Sixth Sense. The beginning of the movie was eternally boring, and I kept saying to myself "the plot better start soon". Then I found out Bruce Willis is dead, and I thought "Great! Now the psychic boy and his ghost friend will discover and thwart a plot to assassinate the president or something." And then the movie ended.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 9, 2009 6:03 PM

It's a toss-up for me between Eastern Promises and A Clockwork Orange. Damn, those movies were dull.

Posted by: Nadha at September 9, 2009 6:15 PM

The New World. Worst. Movie. Ever. A 2.5-hour CK1 commercial with no purpose other than proving that Terrence Malick took "Pensive Cliches 101" in film school.

Posted by: Mr. Tusks at September 9, 2009 6:16 PM

And I'm sad about all of the LOTR hate here. Get the Pajibasticks outta yer butts, people.

Posted by: Mr. Tusks at September 9, 2009 6:19 PM

Also, The Longest Day. Yeesh. *shudder*

Posted by: Nadha at September 9, 2009 6:19 PM

Miami Vice. God that movie seemed to last forever.

Posted by: sluicer at September 9, 2009 6:28 PM

It's a toss up between Transformers: Revenge blah blah, and Inland Empire. Obviously, Inland Empire was a better movie than Transformers, but it was still too long.

Posted by: a.t.s at September 9, 2009 6:32 PM

2001. I saw it a long time ago, but man. There's this thing called pacing. It didn't have any.

Posted by: Mick J at September 9, 2009 6:38 PM

The Notebook and Garden State. FF FF FF. Juno to a lesser extent, because my boredom was occasionally broken up by creeped-out-ness and irritation.

Film Studies classics that bored me so much I wished I could've fast-forwarded through them: Citizen Kane and Battleship Potemkin.

Also, either Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood or Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I honestly can't remember which it was, but I walked out on it, and my friends, after 20 minutes.

Posted by: SaBrina at September 9, 2009 6:40 PM

I completely forgot about all of my forced movie-watching at summer camp. The Lake House, Garfield: A Tale of Two Cities, Cars (yeah, I said it), Pirates of the Caribbean II.

That was all from my one summer as a counselor. Thank god I had High School Musical to get me through it.

Posted by: SaBrina at September 9, 2009 6:51 PM

Someone shoot Nadha!!
Quickly...
With a big gun...
Eastern Promises and A Clockwork Orange? Are you insane?

Posted by: Deistbrawler at September 9, 2009 6:53 PM

There are people who thought LOTR was dull? Were we watching different movies???

My picks:

The Royal Tenenbaums - it's just under two hours, but feels like it took several days to get through. Nothing happens, and for a comedy, it's pretty damn dull.

Running With Scissors - couldn't even finish it. Got so bored, I stopped it halfway and ended up watching a Friends rerun for the millionth time.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 9, 2009 6:58 PM

I must also agree with the Battleship Potemkin opinion, as a film student I understand why that movie was important but as a human I cannot spend 20 minutes of my life watching the Bolsheviks wait idly for the tsar's navy. And I've had to watch it three times! That's an hour's worth of watching bored Russians stare at the ocean. No. Not okay.

Also, Lady in the Water. Don't know if it was good or not, seeing as I fell asleep in the first ten minutes and woke up to the final credits rolling.

Posted by: memily at September 9, 2009 6:58 PM

I am also going to ignore SaBrina's comments.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Posted by: Deistbrawler at September 9, 2009 7:00 PM

The slowest, most boring movie I've ever seen is the early 80s Werner Herzog flick Fitzcarraldo. And when it was over I was SO glad I sat through it, and I'll absolutely be watching it again.

Posted by: Max at September 9, 2009 7:00 PM

Breaking the Waves. I know, I know, Skarsgard, Emily Watson. And I know stuff happens, eventually, but it's just so fucking long and gloomy.

Posted by: Dave at September 9, 2009 7:04 PM

Eastern Promises dull?! Nothing featuring Viggo's mini-Viggo could possibly be boring (if you're not into dudes or penis, yeah, granted). Perhaps an appearance by mini-Viggo in the LOTR trilogy would have kept all the people in this thread from hating it so much (probably, no).

I loved the whole trilogy, have the extended versions on DVD, saw all of them in the theater. But I can see why others would find them boring.

Posted by: janetfaust at September 9, 2009 7:08 PM

*eep* Did I say Smilla's Sense of Snow, gp? I meant...ummm.... Hey! Look over there! *runs away stealthily*

Posted by: meaux at September 9, 2009 7:09 PM

Recently: the last 12.5 hours of Funny People.

Posted by: TL at September 9, 2009 7:09 PM

The Good Shepherd!!! Good god that was one of the most painfully long and tedious movie experiences of my life. My boyfriend picks that one too.

Posted by: Eva at September 9, 2009 7:15 PM

Kudos for bringing up The Thin Red Line. Not only was it a snoozefest, I was sitting in the front row of a balcony for it, my right leg was wedged in and fell asleep. I envied my leg for its ability to nod off in that situation.

Posted by: Rubble44 at September 9, 2009 7:15 PM

After receiving the DVD as a Christmas gift one year, twice Mr. Kitty and I tried to watch The Da Vinci Code and both times we fell asleep. But the The Horse Whisperer holds the record for inducing somnolence on three different occasions.

We got as far as the library scene in Atonement, decided we had, ahem, better things to do, and never felt compelled to go back to watch the rest.

Posted by: April Kitty at September 9, 2009 7:16 PM

Benjamin Button & Howl's Fucking Moving Castle

Posted by: mook at September 9, 2009 7:20 PM

I have tried to watch each of these movies at least 3 times and have fallen asleep EVERY SINGLE TIME. Three of them are considered classics too:

Rebel Without A Cause
2001: A space Odyssey
They Still Call Me Bruce
Platoon

I actually watched this one all the way through with my boyfriend:

Schultze Gets The Blues

Looooong sloooooowww takes on nothing but the Louisiana bayou. Lordy. It was so boring that he wasn’t in the mood for sex afterwards. I blame this movie for not getting laid. I hate this movie.

Posted by: Groovy Violet at September 9, 2009 7:21 PM

Seabiscuit.

I left the theater twice to wander around the lobby while my horse-obsessed friend watched the whole thing. And loved it.

Posted by: Michellers at September 9, 2009 7:28 PM

Wall*E gets first place. Took me 3 times to make it through, because the first two had me sleeping- which probably really happened because I was binge drinking to entertain myself.

The Dark Knight. That's right, bitches. Any scene without Ledger was fucking vapid.

On a side note- how 'bout going back to evening diversions? I'm no top commenter, but some of us have to work real jobs away from computers, and I don't know how I feel about being comment #180 on a thread hours old.

Posted by: krza at September 9, 2009 7:33 PM

Three-way tie:

Spiderman

Lost in Translation

Eyes Wide Shut

Posted by: Sarah at September 9, 2009 7:37 PM

Citizen Kane, fell asleep after 20 minutes. Oh, and The Brood... early Cronenberg is dead boring.

Posted by: rrrka at September 9, 2009 7:49 PM

I agree with There Will Be Blood. I guess I kind of liked it, but at the same time it bored me to tears.

Trois Couleurs didn't so much bore me, as lull me into a deep and nearly irrecoverable emotional apathy. Especially Bleu. Atmospheric subjective psychological exploration of one woman and her grief complete with hamfisted color-coded metaphor for 98 minutes? Groan. I made it all the way through with one sole reason, and that was to impress a guy. A guy who turned out the kind of douchebag who thought it was awesome to invite a girl over to watch Bleu. Actually, looking back, it was probably the next best thing to roofies for broke arthouse loving douchebags. If only I'd had the Pajiba Third Date guide back then.

Posted by: Codger at September 9, 2009 7:50 PM

I want to love David Lynch...I really do. But I've tried to watch Blue Velvet on, like, five seperate occasions. Every single time I fall asleep in pretty much the same spot towards the beginning, only to wake up during the scene where Dennis Hopper is freaking out on nitris while screaming "Mommy! Mommy! Baby wants to fuuuuuuck!!" at Isabella Rossellini.

I think I like the *idea* of a Lynch film more than the reality of watching one. There's something about all of those fraught-with-meaning silences, and long, drawn-out cello cords that makes me want to go nighty-night.

Posted by: Trampy at September 9, 2009 7:51 PM

I had no idea you were such a Garfield fan, Deistbrawler. My apologies.

Posted by: SaBrina at September 9, 2009 7:56 PM

Can I please kill krza, slowly and painfully?

Posted by: George at September 9, 2009 8:05 PM

every Tim Burton movie i think because i sleep every time in the theater!
and the last boring movies were:
Wolverine
GI Joe
Transformer 2
Inglorious basterds(for the first time of my life, i send textos during a movie in a theater)

Posted by: carrie at September 9, 2009 8:08 PM

L'enfant. Realism isn't interesting, especially when it's about a guy who sells the baby.

Casino. I can only stand about 1/2 of Scorsese's repertoire anyway, but this was the worst. The first hour and the last 3 minutes are pretty awesome, but then there are 2 hours of Joe Pesci, Sharon Stone, and Robert De Niro just yelling at each other about who's banging who. And that's it. The only thing that kept me going was knitting a scarf, that people consider this a "classic" film and the soundtrack. I mean, Scorsese at least has good music to accompany is deplorable characters.

Posted by: kelsy at September 9, 2009 8:10 PM

Since there are many votes already for The English Patient, so I'll go with The Girlfriend Experience. There are just no words to fittingly describe the dullness.

Posted by: Cindy at September 9, 2009 8:25 PM

Nadha is just trying to get a rise out of us, right?

Posted by: Cindy at September 9, 2009 8:29 PM

What's eating Gilbert Grape.
I was 15 and all I can remember thinking was "something has to happen soon, right?" It never did.

Posted by: Margrete at September 9, 2009 8:31 PM

Better bring your nun chucks and be ready para luchar, George.

Posted by: krza at September 9, 2009 8:37 PM

The "Curious" Case of Benjamin Button.

The only curious thing about it was that so many people thought it was profound instead of a three hour black hole in my life.

Posted by: DawnDraper at September 9, 2009 8:44 PM

Damn, such venom. I seriously think those movies are dull... and I make no apologies about it.

Posted by: Nadha at September 9, 2009 8:44 PM

*"Last YEAR at Marienbad"* God, so boring I got the bloody name of the damn film wrong.

Oh, and "The Man Who Fell to Earth." How can you have an adaptaion of a Walter Tevis novel, David Bowie, and it still puts you to sleep?

Posted by: rottenkitty at September 9, 2009 8:45 PM

This thread's still going strong, so I don't think we'll have a problem with people commenting too late.

Posted by: figgy at September 9, 2009 8:45 PM

Southland Tales: I was really in the mood for this flick...weird director, crazy assembly of a cast, interesting premise, hated by mainstream critics ...and NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED!!! I was literally shaking with anger when I left the theater. All build up and until about half way through when all my desire to watch the damn thing left me...but I stuck it out cause something must happen... and nothing ever did. The fucking most boring movie I ever saw.

Phantom Menace: I fucking hate Star Wars but I was seeing a chick at the time who was really into it. Take all the annoying shit from the first movies, remove what little charm it had, and replace it with utter shit CGI and a annoying alien minstrel. At the end of it, I turned to my girl and ask "Was that really worth the wait?" About three days later we broke up.

AI: Jesus fucking Christ I hated this flick. If either Spielberg did the whole thing, or maybe if Kubrick could have finished it before he died, I may have liked it. But this thing came of as two rambling films spliced together. I spent the entire time fantasizing about that kid getting thrown into a trash compactor.

Lost in Translation: I don't know why this movie is so celebrated, and I am open to the notion that I just don't get it...but I felt like I was trapped in an elevator.

Wild Wild West: As a kid, I grew up loving this show on repeats. I walked into the theater, expecting it to be cheesy bad like the show...I didn't expect it to be so damn boring.

Postman: At least Waterworld was laughably bad. The Postman was like watching paint dry.

Posted by: diablo at September 9, 2009 8:47 PM

Lost in translation was just boring dustin. JUST BORING. I've heard every argument for why it is an exceptional movie and I just don't buy it. On the forced rewatching (it is the gf's favorite movie) I fell asleep.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at September 9, 2009 8:48 PM

Majesky hit the nail on the head. I adore some Jim Jarmusch movies--Ghost Dog, Broken Flowers, Night on Earth--and dislike others--Dead Man, Mystery Train--but all his movies are fucking boring.

Posted by: YLlama at September 9, 2009 8:50 PM

"I am Cuba" - holy hell, that was painful. Honestly, I'd rather watch 3 hours of The Tyra Banks show than be subjected to that film again.

Posted by: Julie at September 9, 2009 8:51 PM

Rabbit-Proof Fence. We went to see it on a school field trip. The film is only a little over an hour and a half long and I fell asleep three times. THREE. I'm still not sure how it was possible. All I know is that there were three girls walking by a fence, then I dozed off and was woken by friends and they were still walking by the same fence. Repeat twice more and I woke up in time to see the credits starting to roll. I have it on good authority that the girls who weren't kidnapped halfway back to their families got to live happily ever after, but quite frankly I didn't care at that point. I don't even think it was a bad movie - the bits I was awake for seemed nicely made and whatnot. It was just mind-numbingly dull.

Posted by: Shay at September 9, 2009 9:05 PM

Last Days. A movie based on the last few days of Kurt Cobain's life? How could that possibly suck? After an hour of nothing happening and the same scenes repeating over and over, I wanted to take the DVD out and rend it with my teeth.
It probably would have been less painful than watching that awful awful "movie".

Posted by: Kurdt at September 9, 2009 9:13 PM

I'd have to say Pride & Glory was just entirely too long and boring for me. Then again there's only so much Colin Farrell one can take, even if you have Ed Norton to detract from his douchiness.
Also, Dustin your an asshole. LOTR is the shit, yeah its long but the battle scenes make you wanna fuck some orks up. And who doesn't love that?

Posted by: Meow at September 9, 2009 9:18 PM

AND the spanish flick Las Lenguas de las Mariposas (the tounges of the butterflies). Period piece. Boring as shit. I had to watch it in Spanish class and i fell asleep every day we watched part of it. And the times where my teacher made me stay awake for it, I was almost forced to gouge my own eyes out with my pencil. Just awful.

Posted by: Meow at September 9, 2009 9:23 PM

The Motorcycle Diaries. The star is beautiful (Gael Garcia Bernal, I think) and so is the scenery. I remember very little else about it.

I agree with so many listed above, especially The Fountain. Beautiful imagery. Boring as hell.

Also agree with Thin Red Line. I didn't fall asleep but I did leave the room a lot to do laundry, which was more interesting. I can't remember what it was about.

Posted by: Viking at September 9, 2009 9:31 PM

Pirates of the Caribbean 3. I knew it was going to be bad, but I was graciously invited and had to be polite. After half an hour I wanted to be stabbed in the eyes.

Posted by: Will at September 9, 2009 9:50 PM

"Once" - yes, once was more then enough for this boring movie.

Posted by: Danna at September 9, 2009 10:02 PM

I served the King of England. Special mention because it had boobies galore. But what was the fucking point.

Posted by: Will at September 9, 2009 10:02 PM

A River Runs Through It beats all of the above stated movies.

Posted by: brenia at September 9, 2009 10:03 PM

Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont. Sweet fucking Jesus, that was a terrible, terrible movie. My mother and I were the only people under 70 in the theatre, and we just kept looking at each other in horror and disbelief as the minutes turned into hours, each duller than the last. We were desperate to leave, but we'd paid $14 each and we'd get our moneys worth, damnit. It was the last time we saw any film my Granny gave the seal of approval.

Posted by: LizRose at September 9, 2009 10:56 PM

Someone will probably put a curse on me for these:

Sound of Music
Mary Poppins
Anything Harry Potter

Posted by: Julia at September 9, 2009 11:01 PM

rrrka Yay! I think you managed to see me! I was in that snoozefest. (I forget, was the classroom scene less than 20 minutes in? because my acting? superb.)

Posted by: replica at September 9, 2009 11:18 PM

The Good Shepherd, not even Jason Bourne could save that snoozefest...or, I'm just not smart enough for that there movie.

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Posted by: bewbiegirl at September 9, 2009 11:52 PM

Right on, Mook! Howl's Moving Castle was dull, pretty, but very dull. And not really that engaging which is unfortunate because usually I loooove Miyazaki's stuff.
Sigh. So much potential.

Posted by: Saint Saturn Sunshine at September 9, 2009 11:57 PM

Titanic. Oh. My. God. Just sink the hell already!

Posted by: doug at September 10, 2009 12:06 AM

Brenia- I had a generally amusing philosophy professor in college who made all of his classes watch "A River Runs Through It" and was convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that those who fly-fish understand life.

Posted by: Becca at September 10, 2009 12:08 AM

Pirates of the Carribean 2

I don't really care one way or another, personal taste being subjective and all, but I'd say about 70% of the movies mentioned here are ones that I consider good to excellent.

Posted by: Julius_Goat at September 10, 2009 12:22 AM

Hands down, The English Patient. No movie has ever made me want to kill myself more.

Posted by: Smokin at September 10, 2009 12:39 AM

Just to be different: Somebody made a doc about the amazing hardcore band Fugazi (The Washington Post once hedlined a feature on the band: Why 200,000 kids think Fugazi is God) that is the most excruciatingly dull two hours I've ever sat through.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at September 10, 2009 12:41 AM

Barry Lyndon put me to sleep twice. So did The International. Lost in Translation is super boring, too. And INLAND EMPIRE only interested me in the ways it was terrible. Other than that, I'll mirror Lynch's bizarre penchant for demanding the film's title be in all caps and say OH MY GOD SO BORING.

Posted by: whatBENwatches at September 10, 2009 1:06 AM

Powder Blue. Even her boobies didn't make it any better. And I'll second Sex in the City and No COuntry for Old Men. SNORE.

Posted by: thordora at September 10, 2009 1:06 AM

Mission Impossible II.

Fell asleep watching it in theaters and have fallen asleep within fifteen minutes of watching it whenever one of my friends throws it on or rents it. The movie is more powerful than NyQuil.

Posted by: theclosetspeaketh at September 10, 2009 1:08 AM

i think the problem (it isn't really a problem) with fugazi is that while the legends are huge, the realities were much more mundane, for lack of a meatier yet conservative word.

but, yeah, good one.
bj for you.

Posted by: gp at September 10, 2009 1:10 AM

Drawing Restraint 9 - some movies should just not be watched all the way through. one scene a day might have been pretty good
Benjamin Button - the most painful movie ever
LOTR 3 - they fight for like 3 hrs, then once the war is over and everything should be done the movie goes on for another hour.
Manos: the hands of fate - dear lord, this movie isn't even laughably bad, it is just boring.

I like The Thin Red Line for all the reasons that no one else does. But then again I also liked Into Great Silence.

Posted by: The Ross Sea Party at September 10, 2009 1:20 AM

Apollo 13
Into the wild
Dancer in dark
and Jackie Brown!!!

Posted by: yolandesa at September 10, 2009 1:25 AM

The. Brown. Bunny.
A movie even a blowjob by Chloe Sevigny couldn't save.

I'll echo "Eyes Wide Shit". (Actually, a lot of Kubrick I find incredibly
long and dull. Sorry. Beautiful, but L&D.)

I fell asleep 5 times in film class watching La Dolce Vita.
I think there was something about a fountain in there....?

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Posted by: nikkibabes at September 10, 2009 2:03 AM

I agree with many already mentioned...and many of the descriptions here were more entertaining than the movies themselves! And...for me, I pride myself on NOT falling asleep in movies (that's what my husband does) BUT, I nodded off to...

The Firm (I don't like Tom Cruise anyway)
Far And Away (Yep, more Cruise)
Remains of The Day (I normally like smart British movies but this one bored me)
Forrest Gump (I CANNOT make it through this movie)

Posted by: venusft at September 10, 2009 2:04 AM

Oh jeez, I thought that spam-bot was advertising Pus-flirt at first. Now I have a really nasty image in my head...

Posted by: Kurdt at September 10, 2009 2:13 AM

I can't believe all yalls on here who can't watch The English Patient. Next you'll be telling me you can't sit through the seven hours of Lawrence of Arabia without needing to use the bathroom once or twice.

Now Labyrinth, on the other hand... I only watch the parts with Bowie's leggings in them. The rest of those puppets are fucking annoying.

Posted by: ziggy at September 10, 2009 2:15 AM

For me, I think it's a tie between 'The Hours' and 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. Before I start taking shit for Tiffany's, let me say that I appreciate every which way that it is considered a great classic film and that everyone else seems to adore it, but it just wasn't my thing. It probably didn't help that I watched it with a friend who doesn't consider a movie worth watching unless it ends happily and romance is an integral part of the the plot so there was a lot of "Oooh! Zip! Zip! Isn't it just so sweet? Isn't this just the greatest?" I wanted to claw my eyes out. As for 'The Hours', I really just didn't get it. I'm not even sure I made it all the way through. . .

Posted by: Zippy at September 10, 2009 2:21 AM

Someone already mentioned The Night Porter, but not as their prime choice. Now, I rarely find films boring. I notice that people mentioned There Will Be Blood, but I was actually intrigued by how and why the film was made. Admittedly, it is slow, and I'm not completely confident in my appraisal of that film just yet, but I wouldn't consider that truly boring. Night Porter, however, is boring because it doesn't try to be *anything*. It's a nihilistic 70's art film. Fits the time period, but it doesn't offer ANYTHING apart from resonating with people's depression and cynicism of the time. NO fun at all. At least with There Will Be Blood and Lost in Translation, there's a message in it.

I can't believe people mentioned the Three Colors trilogy and Howl's Moving Castle! HMC may be Miyazaki's weakest film, but it's hardly boring! True, the "spirits of darkness/green slime" scene is cringe-inducing (though that was in the book), but it was hardly *boring*.

Oh, and Max: Fitzcarraldo?! Are you serious?! I'm sorry, you might be a nice guy, but we can never meet. That's unforgivable.

Also, fuck you to the people who bag on Jarmusch. Jarmusch is brilliant, y'all! He's just different. Oh, and whoever said "fuck you" to people who like Mystery Train: start running. I will show you NO mercy.

But, you know, in all honesty, I can understand where you're all coming from. However, I was called a 'faggot' at work today for no even remotely acceptable reason, so I'm on a rampage. Great topic for a diversion, Rowles, but fucking hell! To each his/hers own, people! Jesus.

Posted by: vic at September 10, 2009 3:36 AM

Devils Rejects.

I know it was boring cause I remember complaining about being made to watch it, but I don't remember any of the movie except for something with clowns?

Posted by: Iron Lung at September 10, 2009 4:42 AM

unbreakable. God. I saw it twice...not even sure why, I think maybe the second time it was part of a movie marathon.

SNORE

Posted by: redfeathers at September 10, 2009 4:47 AM

The only film I've ever fallen asleep while watching (that I hadn't seen before) was March of the Penguins. Oh my god. I guess Morgan Freeman's voice was just especially soporific that day, because both me and my boyfriend passed out, woke up and asked the other 'so, what's happening?' I know penguins are cute and everything, but zzzzzzz.

Posted by: Carrie at September 10, 2009 4:55 AM

Diablo! Finally someone else who hated AI!!!
God, I hated that movie so much & I had a tight feeling in my chest for the last half because I couldn't leave the theatre early - opening night of a massive theatre, stuck in the middle seat if the middle row.
I kept getting evil stares when I groaned out loud at the sacharin drenched bullshit happening on screen.

Posted by: missh at September 10, 2009 5:46 AM

Seriously, Terrence Malick's films. The New World was particularly boring, I thought. Oooh, look, more waves lapping the shoreline!

Posted by: The Wandering Parakeet at September 10, 2009 6:10 AM

En la ciudad de Sylvia (In The City Of Sylvia). Not very well known, but I've sat through most of the others people have listed here and this tops all of them.

Posted by: DoctorOcelot at September 10, 2009 7:18 AM

Oh, yeah, Breakfast at Tiffany´s (I couldn´t make it to the end) and The unbearable lightness of being (unbearable? Yes! light? NO!)

Posted by: Zean-Chris at September 10, 2009 8:38 AM

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: I know, I know, Johnny Depp, but dude wore out his welcome with me about fifteen minutes in. The movie is like a long, long, LONG night on the town with your out of control buddies as they get drunker and drunker and higher and higher and more and more out of control and do stupider and stupider shit and it's not that funny because you're the designated driver so you can't join them. One of the few movies I would ever have walked out on and I wish I had (the only reason I didn't was that my husband, who was carrying the car keys, was a Thompson fan and was fascinated).

Also: Brokeback Mountain. I thought they were never going to come down off that damn mountain. (I know, I know, metaphorically they never did, yadda yadda.) I'm not sure what it is. Technically, it was nearly a flawless movie, but I should have been a sobbing wreck at the end, but instead I was like "Wow, that Ennis sure was dealt a rough hand, wasn't he? Wonder if there's time for me to swing by Starbucks before I need to be home. Oh, and maybe the grocery store, too."

And finally: The Dark Knight. Yes, I SAID IT. That movie was a good forty minutes too long, it "ended" like four times, Heath Ledger was one-note and tedious (yes, I SAID THAT TOO), I could barely hear Christian Bale, and the few scenes I really liked were not enough to compensate for the remaining two and a half hours of TEDIUM I had to endure.

Thank you. I feel much better now.

Posted by: Another Kate at September 10, 2009 8:54 AM

The Talented Mr. Ripley
(I second kylers)

Posted by: bradm at September 10, 2009 8:59 AM

In no particular order:

March of the Penguins
Before Sunrise
Titanic
Sympathy for Lady Vengeance

Posted by: greenblue at September 10, 2009 9:21 AM

Without a doubt it would have to be Meet Joe Black. If were any slower it would go backwards.

Posted by: JohnnyBoy at September 10, 2009 9:43 AM

Seeing the ScarJo picture reminded me of the Girl with the Pearl Earring...Colin Firth as Rembrandt and ScarJo the said pearl earring girl. That was some seriously boring shit, much worse than lost in translation.

Citizen Kane.

I think I watched the Thin Red Line too but I seriously can't remember any of it.

Posted by: banana at September 10, 2009 9:50 AM

Barry Lyndon

Posted by: legaleagle at September 10, 2009 10:18 AM

Oy! Benjamin Button, There Will Be Blood, Valkyrie, and some other damn thing we watched the same night we watched Valkyrie that was so damn awful Mr. Dammit and I looked at each other and literally said, Why did we watch that? It was so bad I can't even remember what the fuck it was.

Have you ever been dragged into a kids' movie against your will, just to placate your children? Your Honor, I submit any Scooby Doo movie.

Oh, and I FUCKED HATED WITH THE HATRED OF WHITE HOT SUNS BURNING MY RETINAS AND EVERY INCH OF FLESH FROM MY BODY........ AI

Posted by: dammitjanet at September 10, 2009 10:34 AM

The tears I cried during Brokeback Mountain were tears of boredom, not sadness. I was fine up until Heath's big fight with his wife, but after that... rip your eyes out boredom. I'm not saying it's a bad movie, but damn.

And I could go on for days about how much I hated Into the Wild, but the least offensive thing I could say is that it was boring as hell.

Posted by: Melissa at September 10, 2009 10:46 AM

Vic: Sorry about your day at work, but that one moment of your life has more in it than the total runtime of Mystery Train. I'd start running for my life, but just the thought of that movie has sucked all the motivation right out of my day, so be my guest and return me to dust and ashes and make any memory of that movie go away.

The thing I find so frustrating about JJ is that I think I get what he's trying to do, but, in my opinion, he's often completely unsuccessful at saying it. The reason why Night on Earth and (parts of) Coffee and Cigarettes work so well for me is that he doesn't have the time to dwell so interminably on the spaces between when we exist. His movies are like when Warhol pointed a camera at the Empire State Building for twelve hours or security camera footage, except there's a promise of something happening that either does not delivers, or delivers so sporadically that events become inconsequential. Maybe that's the point, but certainly not one that needs to be hammered (and re-hammered home). I live that life; God knows I don't want to watch it.

Posted by: Majesky at September 10, 2009 10:57 AM

I cannot for the life of me get through Dances With Wolves. I find it excruciatingly tedious.

On the three occasions that I've catched Braveheart on TV, I wake up near the end, disoriented, when Wallace screams "FREEEDOOOM" on that snazzy limb-tearing thingamajig.

Posted by: piedlourde at September 10, 2009 11:02 AM

piedlourde--the only thing I got out of that film was my now daily ritual of freeing my girls from the hell that is an underwire bra when I get home and shouting "FREEEDDOOOOOMMMM!"

MelBivDevoe--yeah, I'm not getting the LOTR hate either. I can see how it might not be your type of movie exactly, or maybe it was too long, but boring? No way. And enough of the homo-hobbit crap already. Apparently no one can be close to anyone of the same sex without also being attracted to them.

Another for my boring list--some Iranian film about a film crew that goes off to a village where a woman is near death because the villagers perform some ritual that's never been filmed before. The place is so remote that the main dude has to drive up a long hill to get cell phone reception, and even then it's shitty, with a lot of "hello? Hello?!" and "Can you hear me?"

Apparently they were so short on plot that they filmed at least five different sequences of Main Dude sloowwlllly driving his car up the hill and screaming into his cell phone. By his third jaunt up the hill, we were in hysterics.

Then Main Dude's film crew vanishes, and he wanders around for a bit looking for them, but his heart doesn't seem to be in it, and you never find out what happens to them or what the ritual is that they came to film in the first place. Main Dude finds an animal bone in the desert and tosses it into a river where it floats away. The end. Maybe we're stupid or not cultured or sophisticated enough, but we practically peed ourselves laughing.

Posted by: DeadBessie at September 10, 2009 11:37 AM

Corrina, Corrina starring Whoopi Goldberg and Ray Liota. OMFG did that movie suck ass. I am glad I got make out with my date before we walked out. The Governess with Mini Driver was terrible too. I couldn't walk out of that one because I had to review it for class. That one may be worse because it managed to be boring even with Mini going topless for a sex scene. zzzzzzz

Posted by: pickles at September 10, 2009 12:23 PM

Easy. Any Malick movie ever made and the last Lynch film...the name eludes me.

And I love most of Lynch's stuff. But that movie was deplorable.

Posted by: ingres at September 10, 2009 12:28 PM

Broken Flowers gets my vote for most mind-numbing 'good' movie ever made. Whenever I tell my sister that "Pajiba gave it a good review" she retorts "Yeah, like Broken Flowers?"

I also couldn't sit through Lawrence of Arabia , only watched an hour of it.

Posted by: io at September 10, 2009 1:01 PM

1. Dune --- No matter how many times I've tried to watch this I always fall asleep within the first 30 minutes.

2. Wings of Desire --- Within 15 minutes of this film I wanted to shove a screwdriver into my temple, but then again that is my reaction to most German films.

Posted by: Violet_Dark at September 10, 2009 1:26 PM

Knowing. Hands down, it was Knowing. God, what a bad movie.

Posted by: Victor at September 10, 2009 1:27 PM

Ok I got some more.

WALL*E was so boring, I could PUKE.

Battlefield Earth.. I was peer pressured into the cinema for that one. What the hell was that??

Star Trek - this movie was way too long and I'm not really into Star Trek stuff to begin with but it was my dad's birthday and for him, I sat through it with a smile (but eventually it made my face hurt)

Harry Potter movies - they are all like, really long and bad had-to-be-there stories told by a 12 year old or something.

Posted by: bubblegumshoe at September 10, 2009 1:30 PM

I don't even need to read through the comments.

Meet Joe Black. Hands down.

The friend I watched it with said it should've been called Stare at Joe Black. For 3 Hours.

Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at September 10, 2009 1:32 PM

The Kingdom, the Ridley Scott/Oleander Blue flick

Posted by: jasper at September 10, 2009 1:33 PM

Legends of the Fall

I love me some Brad Pitt but holy crap. I don't think I was entertained for one single second and it lasted months. It was so mind numbingly dull that I can't even tell you what it is was about other than terrible.

Ohh! The shadows outside my window at work are making a huge penis on the building next door. Wow.

Posted by: DemonWaterPolo at September 10, 2009 1:47 PM

Now that I've read the comments: it's good to see other folks in the Joe Black hate parade. GOD that movie dragged.

So interesting to hear what other folks found boring. I love Unbreakable. I thought The Secret Life of Words and Rabbit Proof Fence were really good. I was sobbing like a baby at the end of Brokeback Mountain, even though I'd read the short story beforehand. And Last of the Mohicans is my go-to comfort-food, home-sick-on-the-futon movie. I swoon every time.

The slowest-moving film I've ever seen is Chantal Akerman's Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles. I had to watch it for a class assignment in undergrad, and it's 200 minutes of the daily life of a single housewife and mother in 1975. No close-up shots, no sense of her interior life. Just three days of her getting up, fixing food, saying good-bye to her son, fixing more food, taking in one "gentlemen caller" an afternoon (nope, that part is still boring! you just see a closed door), eating dinner, going to bed, getting up and doing it all over again. I don't know if I could sit through it again (not everyone in the class made it and the ones that did were tearing their hair out), but it was worth it. Was it boring? Hell yes. Was that kind of the point? Yup. By the third day, things start to go slightly off-kilter and it's amazing how much you noticed the little things (SHE MISSED A BUTTON!! WHAT'S GOING ON, YOU GUYS?!). So the boring was put to effective use.

Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at September 10, 2009 1:59 PM

Vanity Fair, definitely. That movie just would. not. end.

Posted by: elizabeth at September 10, 2009 3:24 PM

I agree that Buffalo 66 and Dr. Strangelove are seriously sleep-inducing movies. I would add to that Brazil (I kept jolting into consciousness and thinking, "It's not over yet?") and all three film versions of King Lear that I had to watch for a film class in college. There is no sleep so peaceful as the sleep I had during those.

Posted by: misselise at September 10, 2009 3:41 PM

Match Point
The Girl in the Pearl Earring
Meet Joe Black
Legends of the Fall
Mercury Rising

Posted by: Malin at September 10, 2009 5:21 PM

I agree with a bunch of these, especially The Motorcycle Diaries, There Will Be Blood and The Ice Storm. A couple others...

The Cider House Rules

O Brother Where Art Thou

In The Bedroom

All the Pretty Horses

Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou and pretty much anything by Wes Anderson, including The Royal Tennenbaums. I just cannot sit through one of that man's movies

Posted by: Erin at September 11, 2009 1:14 AM

Majesky: Thanks, I had a better day today, and I apologize to you and everyone else for that rather embarrassing post. This thread really isn't a "to each his/her own" type of deal In fact, it's working well without it.

Again, I understand where you're coming from with Jarmusch. It's a discursive, fiercely independent and abstruse style, not one that appeals to a mass audience, let alone "just anyone." Also, I come across accusations all the time that he's a hack that doesn't really know what he's doing and that he's just trying too hard to be "different" or "cool," etc. I totally disagree. He knows what he's doing; he just likes to do things his own way. While it's not always easy to respect that, I happen to, and I love a lot of the things he's done because of it. But not all of them. I'm not crazy about Dead Man and Down By Law and Broken Flowers are just -okay-. Oh, and don't get me started on Permanent Vacation. Otherwise, I dig all his all his other stuff. It just makes me happy. Not sure why. I just like it.

And Mystery Train really makes you feel that way, huh? Dag. It's just a movie, yo.

Posted by: vic at September 11, 2009 3:04 AM

The Unbearable Lightness Of Being

Posted by: karstark at September 11, 2009 7:55 AM

Primer
Solaris
Apollo 13
The Fountain
What Dreams May Come

Posted by: danr at September 11, 2009 9:03 AM

Vic: It's entirely possible that I'm being a bit hyperbolic about Mystery Train. It may be a matter of expectations not met, as JJ-lovers' professions of love for it tend to go off the charts.

I wouldn't go so far as to accuse him of hackery - at least, not sober - or that he's trying too hard, in fact I feel like he's not trying hard enough. If I were an English teacher and he were a student, he'd be the kid who turns in a double-long first-draft essay that could be refined if he hadn't wrote it on the bus while he reveled in being oblique and pining for girls smoking cloves. I've got to give it a C, and beg him to edit. Edit, edit, edit.

The art that produces the most vitriol in me is the stuff that doesn't get there because of the lack of editing. For instance, almost any record released by Bob Pollard. Shitty stuff that's merely shit doesn't stick with me. The reason these movies stuck with us, is that they were striking for one reason or another in the first place, but they didn't follow-through on the promise.

Now, this might not be the case with JJ, but it's certainly the impression I get. The one that rides my mind most is Ghost Dog, because it's such a good premise, such a good set-up, and honestly beautiful, but to what end? Nothing? It makes me terminally frustrated.

Being the fan I am of all the "boring" movies I love, I really appreciate your assertion that they "just make you happy." That's exactly what I get out of Slacker, There Will Be Blood, 2001, The Straight Story, etc. The best way I can put it is a Zen state. At the risk of sounding like a filthy hippy, it's an open feeling of connection and understanding, and maybe that's just a matter of biorhythms or some such thing, I don't know.

I also don't know why some directors (Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick, Sidney Lumet) can hold a shot forever, and I'm rapt, whereas with JJ, I'm lost in space.

Posted by: Majesky at September 11, 2009 11:02 AM

Napoleon Dynamite. Apparently it's only watchable when baked.

Posted by: Captain Steve at September 11, 2009 12:06 PM

Taking Woodstock. So long. So bad.

Posted by: Socker at September 11, 2009 12:54 PM

Taking Woodstock. So long. So bad.

Posted by: Socker at September 11, 2009 12:55 PM

Virgin Suicides

Posted by: Candy at September 12, 2009 8:34 PM

The Thin Red Line

I saw this at a media preview and I swear, the entire audience groaned loudly at every false ending, hoping against hope that it was really the end. But no, another fucking blurry flashback of some chick on a swing...

Posted by: protoguy at September 13, 2009 6:46 AM

The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

They should have named it "The Unbearable Length of a Three Hour Movie".


The English Patient.

They should have named it "You Need English Patience to Sit Through this Three Hour Movie".

Posted by: CaptainKendrick at September 14, 2009 11:14 AM





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