Pajiba

I was down at the local art store on my side of LA and I noticed a dinosaur electric pencil sharpener that WALKS while you sharpen it.

And the hole is in it's ass. So this thing is trying to get away from you while you try to sharpen your damn pencil.

Why would you do that ;(

A rectangular piece of glass with a dragon etched inside that sits on a mirrored rotating thing that flashes lights up into the piece of glass. A wasteful, ridiculously tacky tchotchke? Yes. Do I still love it & turn it on frequently? Clearly. I also love Michael Bay movies. So. Well. There you go.

i hate getting christmas ornaments as christmas gifts. it pisses me off. "gee, thanks for something i can't use for an entire year. i'm so glad you put thought into this gift. i don't even have to take it out of the box."

and it's usually an ugly one. if you're going to crap out on the gift, at least go to hallmark and get a decent ornament. you know, one that's not covered in lead paint.

Oh, how I could go on about the dreck peddled to consumers at Christmas. And how idiotic consumers snap that shit up like hotcakes.

One of the worst was that god-awful obnoxious Big Mouth Billy Bass (and all the subsequent knock-offs and copycats) from a few years back. Ugh. Stupid and tacky and annoying and pointless.

My most head-scratching gift (and I've gotten some doozies including a jar of pennies from my dad's stepmother-when I was in my twenties) came from my father-in-law the first Christmas after I got married.

Jumper cables.

Practical? Yes, certainly. A little weird? For sure.

And summed up nicely his affections for me as his son's wife.

Lotion sets that people buy from Marshall's or Ross' clearance Aisle for $1.99 that smell like pineapple ass. Blugh.

Kids get it worse. I saw a commercial that was a revamped Betsy Wetsy doll, but the doll pees all over a laughing mother and her adorable children several times. Sexy.

Ok, lemme get this off my chest: Aunt Lucy; Aunt Ana; Aunt Carmen: Aunt Becky, et al: Read this and read it GOOD!

I ALREADY HAVE ALL FORMS of Parchesi, Parcheesy, India, PAR... WHAT, THE, FUCK, esi.

NO MORE!

When I was a teenager, my mother made me pot holders for Christmas. She told me that they were for my hope chest (meaning my only hope was to get married and start cooking). I was floored! Needless to say, my mother quickly realized that pot holders and hope chests were things in which this gal was not interested.

I worked at a toy store for two years, so I can think of a million really stupid things that we carried there. One thing that really stand out were these "Magic Noodles" - they were basically the disolvable packing peanuts in different colors. The idea was that you could wet one side and build things with them or you could stick them on paper and make pretty pictures. One set even came with coloring book pages. Whenever someone bought one (and they were surprisingly popular), I could barely resist jumping over the counter and shaking them.

I'm reminded of a cigarette dispenser shaped like a donkey, where if you pulled its tail, the cigarette would come out of the donkey's ass. It was a little off-putting, but mostly awesome.

One year, Gramma gave my baby sister that singing fish. You know, "Take me to the riiiver... Drop me in the waaaaater." Lil 3 yr old munchkin pushed the button over and over again for a year. I wanted to kill myself AND David Byrne. Fortunately the next Christmas, Grams gave her a new hellspawn. A dancing Santa that sang Clint Black's version of "Holy Jolly Christmas." That was banished to the attic before I could smash it with Pa's 9 iron.

I, for one, would love to get the Marshmallow shooting gun for Christmas. I always get ugly, useless crap:

1. Mini porcelain statues of the scene of nativity.
2. A "silver" tea set circa 1981 from Russia.

Here is the story of the worst Christmas gift I have ever received, bestowed by my b*tch of a mother...

When I was 10 years old, it became of primary importance that I receive a puppy. I had raised these stupid mail-order frogs for two years (Grow-a-Frog, where you can stare through a transparent frog in a fish tank, big f*cking deal, if I wanted to see their guts I'd dissect them anyway) and argued quite convincingly that I could successfully contribute to the care of a dog. I started asking about it months before Christmas, and kept at it, and kept at it, until I think everyone in the house probably wanted to stich my mouth closed but whatever they're all *sshol*s anyway... But I never got a negative answer. It was always, "Sounds like a great idea, David, we'll see." "Write a letter to Santa, David, we'll mail it and maybe he'll bring you what you want." Essentially, my evil parents led me down the yellow brick road to HELL.

Christmas morning I woke up because my younger brother jumped on my bed but he landed on my face and that freaking hurt so I yelled at him and then everyone got up to open presents. And we go into the living room and everyone had presents under the tree but no one got anything for those f*cking frogs because they are stupid pets and I planned on tossing them in the lake when I got my dog anyway. So we open presents and I am decently happy but I'm looking for my dog and I don't see a jumping box. We usually got our big present at the end anyway so hope was not lost and I was just waiting. So finally mom leaves for a minute and comes back with a box and hands it to younger brother who opens it, and WHAM! big present, he got a video game system, and who cares what it was because F*CK THAT PRESENT.

So Dad says, "Oh David LOOK under the tree" and I do and I see something wrapped so I grab it and open it and WHAM! big present, it's a f*cking encyclopedia about dogs. And in the cover is a note from "Santa" in my mother's handwriting and either Santa is my mom, or he was sleeping with her and got too lazy to write his own notes so he just dictated while she wrote. And the note says, "I know you want a dog, but maybe you can pick one out in this book and we'll see about getting you one next year, LOVE SANTA" aka, your big present this year is preparing for next Christmas, you dumb sh*t, so you got your hopes up for a book that has so much technical crap and you can hardly read anyway because your parents buy your brother video games and who needs school when Mario can jump over a gap.

So I stared at my parents and said is this some sort of joke, and they said, "Did Santa write anything?" like I'm some sort of retarded monkey, so I said, "Yeah Santa is a f*cking *ssh*le that crushes children's dreams and probably had so much fun throwing puppies into woodchippers he forgot to save one for me." So my parents just looked at each other because they had raised a spoiled demanding child, and what, you want to fight?

So I threw that damn book in the fireplace and my mom went in after it but she didn't save it, and now my nickname is Satan because I cackled as it burned...

That is the story of the worst gift ever given to David. Marshmallows are squishy.

I don't think I've ever gotten anything particularly weird, but my uncle got my mom a paper shredder one time. What normal person needs one of these things? Did he think she owned a corrupt business that might get raided by the government at any time? She handled it beautifully when she called to thank him, though, like, "I was just saying I needed one of those!" She is a much better person than I am.

Ch-ch-ch-chia!! A former boss (a very well off attorney) gave me a Chia-topiary bush thingy for Christmas one year. A card with a candy cane taped to it would have been better.

You simply MUST Google The Eggstractor Egg Peeler. It was this ridiculous hard boiled egg peeler. And it was huge. And about every fourth egg or so it misfired and demolished the egg. I don't know why my sister thought I needed one.

You've got to see the thing in action to beleive it.

That is, believe it. Not beleive.

When I was 16, I begged my parents for a car. Christmas morning, I opened an envelope... inside, was a card with a picture of a car. Written on it was the message "Go look in the garage". I screamed, jumped up, ran outside to find...

... a bicycle.

I love my parents to death, but they are capable of great evil.

A potato scrubber. While it's adorable that my Grandmother thinks A. that I cook and B. that if I planned to cook a potato, I'd take the the time to scrub it first, I really wasn't quite sure how to react. I think I responded with a hearty, " Thank you for your confidence in me this Christmas, MomMom!" And from there we moved onto somewhat greener gift pastures consisting of a pair of pink oven mitts and travel-sized soap.

I've seen that marshmallow gun, and I would definitely get one for myself. It looks fun.

I don't get many weird gifts, but the worst had to be a USED lip balm. This girl in junior high was giving them out to her friends as Christmas gifts. We weren't close, but I was touched that she thought of me. Until she opened the envelope and placed this sad, used, dingy looking tube of Blueberry Lip Smackers into my palm. I was utterly speechless. I thought it was a joke.

Knowing that at least 15 people had used it before me, I tossed it in the trash when I got home.

Not a Christmas gift story, obviously, but I went to visit my cousins one summer and it just happened to be my birthday that day. My great aunt (who was known for recycling bad gifts) hands me a birthday present. I really wasn't expecting anything from this lot so it was quite a surprise.

1. The gift wrap was reused, because the very worn creases in the paper didn't line up with the edges of the gift.
2. It was a book on building construction. I'm a girl who's into knitting and weaving.
3. It's signed, "Dear Neil, Happy Bar Mitzvah." I'm not Neil, and I've never had a Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

I wasn't hurt, so much as stunned. At age 11, what do you say to that? Gee, thanks for the thought?

Every year, my mother gives us all socks (among other goodies in a fun-filled grab-bag of outlet store items, often including single purpose gadgets like a "mango splitter," "pasta portioner," or the ever popular "pineapple corer.")

Christmas socks. Ugly socks.

Ugly socks that are only appropriate for one day out of 365. Socks that fill drawers with little reindeer faces that look at you contemptuously. "Why don't you just donate us? Someone less sartorially inclined has cold feet. You selfish bitch, you hoard your damn Christmas socks. Let us go into the world and liiiive." But I don't.

I inevitably never wear them on Christmas, so my mom sees that I am without and, tada! another pair appears like magic. Oh, well, they're smaller than Christmas sweaters.

I think my one question is why do people by such useless and tacky things (i.e. singing bass, psychotic Christmas tree, etc.)? I am not trying to be rude. I am just genuinely curious as to why anyone would by something that sounds like it was produced in a tin can of echoes (whatever that means).

TK: That is by far the worst thing I have ever heard. Incredibly cruel. You have my sympathy.

My aunt (who was well-known for re-gifting) once gave my sister a pair of men's, size 11, knitted top, fake-leather bottom bedroom shoes. My sister was about 13. We still wonder what she was thinking...

PAPERWEIGHTS. What is the motherfucking point of these? They are a) always hideously ugly and b) totally impersonal and thoughtless as a gift. You could just as easily use any other heavy object with another purpose in life and save yourself $20.

And yes, I did have someone give me one recently. "Gee, how thoughful, just what I've always wanted! A spherical piece of glass with bubbles in it!"

My family usually gets me things that are red or pink in colour; despite the fact that I hate those colours and no one in my family has ever seen me wear them! But the be-all end-all of dumbass gifting goes to my aunt. She bought me a book one year (which is normally a safe choice) except that she had given me THE VERY SAME ONE two years ago!!

My boss has given me a bottle of Crown Royal every Christmas for the last decade, even though he's well aware that I don't drink, and that I re-gift his booze every year. Talk about a meaningless gift and an empty gesture.

On the other hand, it's usually the only gift I get at the holidays aside from a cool, crisp $20 from dear old dad.

oh and I should add... one of the worst gifts that my son has ever gotten was probably from me :D every year I wrap his big Buzz Lightyear in different ways and now that I have done it three years in a row, it is officially a tradition... ahhhh, the joys of parenthood!

As a wedding gift I got an empty glass bottle made from frosted glass with the word JOY written on it. Seriously.

Last year my new mother in law bought me a green marble cheese plate decorated with fake silver grapes and grapevine. I was confused, I'm not a cheese snob, I like "cheese food" that comes individually wrapped. I made my husband "accidentally" break it...it was tough task because it was marble. I shouldn't expect anything that great from her after my bridal shower where she gave me:
a) a freestanding toilet paper holder (odd because when I purchased my house, there were built in toilet paper holders)
b) a sushi set (I don't eat fish...ever!)
c) a letter opener with a unicorn at the handle
d) I don't have enough time or letters in the alphabet to explain all the weird gifts...not a single gift off the registry but at least 40 random gifts that appeared to come from the dollar store.

My ex-mother-in-law used to send my ex and I tubes of bikini underwear in odd and scary colors. The weird part is that she was a fundamentalist Christian. The useless part is that we quit having sex after the birth of our son, so no one ever saw the undies. The creepy part is that the ex wore the sexy undies his mommy bought him.

I have a friend who is severely allergic to pistachios. Guess what her family gives her a big tin of every year?

My worst gift ever was a shaving kit for when I traveled. Not with a razor or anything, just the small piece of luggage. I was 14, had yet to shave, and hadn't been anywhere. Thanks mom and dad! That gift almost came in handy when I moved out four years later, but it had been so long that I somehow lost the original.

My worst gift ever was a birthday present -- my normally sane (if a bit suspiciously cheerful) aunt gave me a diet book for my 16th. Fugly and fat though I may have been, a girl wants to feel cute and pretty and dainty on her sixteenth birthday, dammit.

Getting back to Christmas, a friend of mine (again, a normally sane person) used to work as the activity director in a nursing home. Several times a year, the residents would have a craft sale, peddling homemade oddments, and every birthday and Christmas, my friend would send me an entire box of these bizarre crocheted tschotschkes, along the lines of extra-toilet-paper-roll-covers that looked like pink poodles (how many extra rolls of toilet paper does a person need to decorate and display, anyways?).

My personal favorites are the Santa and Mrs. Claus ornaments which my kids claim look like shrunken heads. They argue every year over who gets to put them on the tree.

I really couldn't complain, since my friend was takin' one for the team in the first place by buying this stuff from her residents, and I guess it made up for the fact that my own grandparents weren't knitting me anything.

Still, though, I was hugely relieved when my friend made the leap into a corporate cubicle job after a couple of years.

(Long-time lurker who simply had to add to the merry grinchery...)

Why, why does every family have that one crazy person who simply does not understand the fundamental rules of gift-giving? My crazy family member manifests itself in the form of a seemingly harmless aunt who, for the past, I don't know..twenty years, has loved to give me underwear every year for both my birthday and Christmas. And not just any underwear...granny panties made from only the most synthetic material known to man to ever grace a dollar bin. And not just any size...always and forever XXL because god forbid her twenty-nine-year-old niece really wear a size 0 and she doesn't, damn it!

Need I mention that this is excruciatingly embarrassing in mixed company? Especially when one is only eleven.

David, your post is the saddest thing I've read in awhile. How the very people to which one has the misfortune of calling "parents" can be so cruel, I will never understand.

I cannot believe how incredibly cruel some people's parents are. Although it does seem to explain rather a lot about certain regular commenters to this site...

I think the worst presents I usually get are those decorative soaps and washcloths, usually purchased at some stupid craft fair by my great aunt or my aunt...a) it's insulting - do you think I don't wash? and b) the soap usually smells like bug spray and why do I need soap with a picture of a bunny on it anyway?

At least these days most people have come to their senses and given me money.

I've got a Marshmallow Shooter.

Every now and then, one of my older sisters sends me a Teddy Bear Calendar as a Christmas gift. I liked teddy bears for about 8 months, back in the 70's, when I was about 12. I'm 43 now. Thanks for the deep thought in selecting my gift, Sis. Yeesh.

I'm with you, HarshBetty. Also, who goes around demanding what types of presents they want? An email telling people what stores you like to shop at? Yes, Vermillion I'm talking to you. I am surprised your friends don't all chip in to get you a fucking reality check.

Rant over. Funny story. My brother was about 6 years old, following Mom around Wal-Mart when she saw a Chia Pet and (sarcastically, of course - I come by it honestly) said "Ooh that's what I want for Christmas!"

Well little bro made my big brother take him back to Wal-Mart for this awesome present he KNEW Mom wanted, and big bro let him buy it (little bro insisting she SAID that's what she wanted). He bragged about it for at least a week, then finally Christmas morning comes and she opens up her new Chia Pet. He was so proud of himself for remembering that one comment she made, thinking that he had discovered what would really make her happy, all she could do was laugh. I think that Chia Pet remains one of most awesome Christmas presents she ever got, even 12 years later.

Anyway, crappy presents given from the heart are the best kind, I think. Yeah you could make a list of demands each year, or go buy yourself your own hipster gear with your sweet gift cards, but you won't have any awesome stories to tell. Sad.

My mom always gets me and my little sister (joint-gift, you see) one of those massive make-up boxes with like, 20 different eyeshadows, 30 different lipglosses and craploads of brushes and powder. Every year we pick out the colors we like in the make-up box and then throw the whole rest of it away that day. In front of her. But she still doesn't get it.

PS I don't think it's horrible to ask people to get you what you want for Christmas. I usually give my family (siblings and parent) a list of various items. Some things I really do need since I'm in college and other things that are superficial. There is nothing wrong with giving people gifting guidelines. Personally, I would very much appreciate it if people would give me some kind of guidelines; don't tell me exaclty what you want but don't expect me to be psychic and know that you wanted that pink flower china you saw at Nordstrom 4 months ago.

I love that my mom gives me living supplies though for christmas every year. I get shampoo, conditioner, towels, socks, cleaning agents and all sorts of other practical gifts and i LOVE them all. Getting practical gifts means I don't have to spend my $500 a month salary on living supplies.

At least not for the month of January with the shampoo and stuff. Cleaning agents usually last until summer and socks are cool until they get holes in them.

Oh, and I also hate getting any kind of Bath and Body works body wash products. I use one kind of body wash because it doesn't really smell like anything and it gets me really clean (I'm a weirdo about personal hygiene, so sue me). Anyway, I just feel like that body wash doesn't get me clean, it just kind of puts a scent on me and personally i hate anything that smells fruity; I don't want to smell like Brown Sugar and Figs (that is a real scent that they offer), I mean ew. I want to smell like Clean Me. And Clean Me does not smell like fruit and sugar.

My family actually bought a Billy Bass one year. Of course it was after Christmas, when it was 90% off and cost about $1, but the stupid thing is still around and my mom was nice enough to bring it to my new house yesterday.

i dont think you realize how much fun shooting marshmallows at people can be... the key to a proper marshmallow bullet, though, is to take a large sized one and squish it down to a mini-sized. you wouldn't think it at first, but they leave welts. and hurt a LOT.
so it may seem like an innocent gift at first, but in the end it turns out to be a slightly dangerous (and very FUN) toy

So they are like jarts/lawn darts in a way?

I like the marshmallow gun! I made on ewhen I was a kid out of a vaccuum tube thing, some duct-tape, and my dad's air compressor- It was more like a cannon, really. I got the idea from my dad's sailors who made an even BIGGER version while they were out on patrol and really bored- and for some reason they had a shit-load of marshmallows onboard the sub. And those things DO leave welts.

My shitty presents weren't all that shitty- or at least they wouldn't have been for some other little girl. As it was, though, my Peaches N' Cream Barbie's days were numbered the second I unwrapped her. She met her fate at the hands of the rebellion (some My Little Ponies, one of those smelly Strawberry shortcake dolls, the shoe from Monopoly, and a GI Joe guy who had no arms or legs)and was tried as a war criminal. She got the death penalty and my dad's Craftsman Bandsaw served as a very gine guillotine.

Anyway, I saw a lil toy dog that shits... it's a toy. It shits. You can stuff some plastic pellets into its maw and then it shits them out. I don't know why a kid would want a fake shitting dog.

Battery operated bug zapper. Enough said.

Also, who goes around demanding what types of presents they want? An email telling people what stores you like to shop at? Yes, Vermillion I'm talking to you. I am surprised your friends don't all chip in to get you a fucking reality check.

With all do respect, AM and anyone else that has a problem with my comment, you don't know the first thing about me and my family and friends. So before you go declaring whether or not someone needs a "fucking reality check", do some homework. Nine times out of ten, I really don't ask for anything. I don't care about gifts, simply because if I want something I would rather get it myself than inconvenience a relative. As far as gift-giving in return, I do make a conscious effort to pay attention to their feelings. It helps that a lot of my relatives have children, and a toy bought by me for them means one less demand on their wallets.

Whenever they do ask me what I want, they actually listen, and don't torture me with bad gifts, unlike most of you here. Excuse me for valuing an actually wanted gesture of love over the chance to whine to you about how much my folks sucked (no offence, TK et al).

The list story was intended as a humorous counterpoint to the topic, mainly that while most of you suffer through bad sweaters or calendar or what have you, some of us actually do get great gifts. So maybe you need the "fucking reality check."

But at least you get a crazy story out of it. Yeah, now you can bitch and moan for years. Whoopie.

OH--and my dad has a motion sensitive gorilla that dances the macarena when somebody walks by. That thing scared the shit out of my daughter and she refused to go upstairs at my parent's house until they put it away in a locked closet.

I am the oldest of four kids and we have a tendency, as my mother likes to call it, re-gift. Meaning, we get a gift one year and break it and the next year another one of us ask for it. (Trust me, we've been through 5-10 different versions of the game Life, losing the pieces every year) One year, my sister Rebekah asked for an Easy Bake Oven. This would be the second time that Rebekah and I had owned an easy bake oven (we're communists and we share our toys equally)because Stephanie was too little to play with it the first time around. My mother, in all the confusion of Christmas and re-gifting (we got Life again that year) accidentally gave the Easy Bake to STEPHANIE, thinking she asked for it since she didn't have one to begin with. Stephanie opened the present, overjoyed that she was getting it, but Rebekah, like the little bitch that she was, threw a huge tantrum, broke several of her other presents and walked away from the tree, cursing at the entire family. She then proceeded to tell my mother that she hated her and hated Christmas and that she hated Stephanie. Stephanie and my mother sat there and cried. Rebekah has never apologized for ruining that Christmas. Mom has double and triple checked every present every year after that. She was tempted, however, to, as a joke, put Stephanie's name on Rebekah's car keys for her new car during the Christmas when she was 16. I told her no, Rebekah broke presents over an Easy Bake Oven, she'd probably break someone's face over a car.

All of the jewelry commercials drive me crazy. Not only do they drive home that bullshit allusion that the only way to keep your woman is to buy her extremely expensive rocks. But they do it in the most abnoxious, arrogant way possible.

How full of yourself do you have to be for you to claim, "Every kiss begins with Kay."? What, not only do I need to buy jewelry to keep her around but I also need it just in order to get her to kiss me? Give me a freakin break.

And the whole, "He went to Jared!!!!" thing isn't much better. The women in those commercials say it with such enthusiasm that I am led to think that Jared specializes in not only jewelry, but free chocolate and oral sex to go along with it.

oh, sweet criminy. i'm not gonna lie, i've been very well taken care of for the most part of my life...but there is one gift that still irks. the one that rankles me the most was not a christmas gift but my college graduation present. i have told my parents one time if not a hundred, i'm not a fancy jewelry girl. i just am not. set me up with hoops or plastic star earrings from claires and some goofy sparkly bangles and i'm all set. but if you're going to insist upon pricey jewelry (that i will inevitably break or lose, bc that's just how i roll), go with silver. i hate gold. HATE.

of course, after graduating college, my parents got me a heinous gold bracelet, the fug of which was pure and untamed. it was just...ew. and of course i had to pretend to like it, because they had spent ungodly amounts of money on it, and my whole family was there-- i may be honest to a fault but let's face it, my ancient heiress step-grandmother was present and i'd not mouth off in front of her for fear of being cut out of the will when she finally kicks it from one scotch too many. so i make with the 'oh, it's lovely' bullshit, and then the final sledgehammer falls:

mom: now, we were originally going to get you a new imac since they've just come out with those g5's.
dad: but we thought this would last you and be better in the long run!

...i am currently using the imac i bought myself as a christmas gift that same year, while the bracelet has yet to be worn. ace, parents. ace. and every year they try to buy me something gold. every year i tell them i hate gold. 'oh, you'll change your mind when you're older' is what i get back. this apparently will also apply to my eventual opinions on fur coats, pearls, and using candles and tablecloths for dinner. ::facepalm::

This is a wonderful awful thread.

Had a nephew got the marshmallow shooter a few years ago, when he was maybe 10 and, out of control as usual, spent the day firing it at close range at most everyone in my in-laws' house. Even my FIL, the Most Amiable Man on Earth, finally raised his voice. I was probably inches from shoving it up the kid's ass/down his throat and turning him into the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Boy when, mercifully, it was time to leave.

For some reason, my MIL was in the habit of getting me a box of handkerchiefs every year. I accepted it and the $50 that always came with it with my usual class and grace.

Oh my God, jadashay, I just both laughed AND cried at your story. I think you win. I wish I knew you so I could send you a pound puppy, and maybe a real present or two.

I usually get pretty lucky in the present department, and really, almost anything looks better when it's free. So I've received very few presents that I was truly baffled by and/or hated.

But my dad married this woman a couple of years ago, whom I only see now on holidays. And for some unknown reason, that first year, she bought me this black and white, blazer style...thing that was made out of this like, hemp material? That thick stuff that is sometimes raised like a topographical map around the edges of the design? And it was covered in giraffes. GIRAFFES, people. I was twenty-five years old. I honestly didn't know what to say. I consider myself a very graceful present accepter, and am able to fake it better than most. But I honestly had to take a minute to gather myself cause I really didn't know what the fuck to say or how to hide the fact that at first I thought the Hemp Giraffe Blazer was a joke.

The odd gifts didn't arrive for me until I got married. From my husband's grandparents, our wedding prsent was a candle holder (one) and two(!) candles..... And only after we had been married 5 years and had two kids did we get the box of china that was labeled with my husband's name and "upon marriage." Uh-huh.

These are the same people who sent me a bag of some sort (make up bag, maybe?) that was houndstooth print w/ teddy bears in SMOKING JACKETS. What?!

They're nice people, but... it's a little funny.

My MIL is the queen of the insincere or non-age appropriate gifts for my kids, but oh well.

Brook-- I'll happily take that mango slicer. ;)

My gift is pet related as well. Now I have always been well treated in the present department and we have a designated white elephant family gift exchange party (or WEFGEP) so we never really get crappy gifts for real Christmas. On a side note, my mother got one of those HORRIBLE dancing, singing trees one year and we have a picture of her pretending to stab it with a steak knife. Truly the best WEFGEP gift ever. We still talk about it.

Anyways. I want a cat. I have always wanted a cat. ALWAYS. I pestered and pestered and pestered my parents for a little fluffy, floofy kitty of my very own. I didn't have high hopes. So my 8th birthday(?) rolls around and my mother urges me to open an envelope amid my other perfectly passable gifts. The card has a kitty on the cover. Not really thinking anything of it, I read the card:

No, we're not getting you a cat... but we are getting you a guinea pig!!1!

Thanks mom. It wasn't cruel so much as thoughtless. I hadn't even been thinking cat and you give me... not cat. You give me a jelly bean maker. Great.

However, a few weeks later my parents decide to ditch the pig and get a dog. Okay, not bad. But also not the gift I wanted or the gift I was promised. My consolation? I got to name him. Now I love my dog to death and I'm glad we got little King Henry III (whatever) but I never let Mom live that one down. Talk about lapse in judgment. Sheesh.

My DH's brother gave him a chess set where all the pieces are shot glasses. My DH doesn't drink or play chess. His brother is the closest person to him in the world, and still thought this was the perfect gift!

Ok, strangest and least satisfying christmas giftfrom my mother: a black ink printer cartridge, and a box of Kleenex.
I mean, of course I got other things, and I am sure I loved them, but come on. A wrapped box of kleenex?

I love Christmas and giving gifts. I still treasure the memories of each of 87 grandchildren getting a box of chocolate covered cherry cordials from Tata and Tama. I still put up the handprint turkeys that my nephew made for me when he was four years old. I am still upset about losing the pocket knife in the divorce--not mine mind you but my sister's divorce when her then husband who was helping us move pocketed said knife. My six year old brother received a plaster Madonna (not the singer) from his godmother and still has it to this day (forty years later) along with almost every Christmas gift he ever received. (Yeah, he is an accountant.)

The champ of inappropriate gifts in our family, however, was my Dad. He loved my mother dearly, thought she was beautiful (she was) and knew she dressed well. Nevertheless, he never really understood the whole color, pattern, and size paradigm. The high point was reached one year when he gave up trying to buy her clothing--remarking to the saleswomen that his wife was "about her size, but curvier and thinner"--when he had made earrings featuring eagles in flight dripping diamonds off each claw. (It was the bicentennial year, maybe it was a patriotic homage.) My usually unflappable and unfailingly gracious mother was struck speechless. Fortunately, the jeweller's wife was so taken with these custom earbobs that my mother was allowed to exchange them for something that she would actually wear. After that, my Dad simply told me to choose something for my mother and he would pay for it.

"the next year I got the ugliest necklace ever made (silver and turquoise with squash blossom and horseshoe ornamentation). "

Gee, um, those Native American squash blossom necklaces are EXPENSIVE, and very collectable (in the right market). I hope you sold it for a lot of money. But I understand that it's not your style. They are hard to wear if you're not also wearing a velvet shirt, tiered skirt, and a concha belt. Seriously.

Also, I remember the year my Christian Mother-in-law gave me a lump of coal. I thought it was hilarious. She said she gave it to me because she didn't think her kids would find it funny and she thought I had a good sense of humor. The next year I gave it back to her with a bag of marshmallows labeled "snowman poop." At the bottom of the bag was an airline ticket to go visit her brother in California who she hadn't seen in years. She cried, and my sisters-in-law thought I was so mean because they didn't know what the real gift was.

I am an aunt and have read this diversion with great interest. Lots of good ideas.

I have two marshmallow shooters, but you blow (like, a breath, man) to shoot the marshmallow. Another trick is to put them in the refrigerator or the freezer before you want to shoot 'em.

Stamps. Commemorative Princess Diana postage stamps. And not postage stamps you're supposed to USE. These came in vacuum sealed plastic sleeves in a hardbound commemorative Princess Diana book.

This was a Christmas present from my Aunt Linda, and was only the first in a very long line of Princess Diana themed presents.

I was probably about 12 or 13 at the time and was utterly and completely confused.

After she got bored with Princess Di she moved on to the Olsen Twins and would send me all their straight to video movies (this was when I was about 17-18).

And when I was in college she bought me a subscription to a magazine called "The Daily Word" which was basically one of those motivational Christian/quotable scripture books. Even though (or maybe because?) I haven't seen the inside of a Church in about a decade.

Of course, I did find out later that she wasn't just crazy-weird, she was crazy-CRAZY, as in she was actually schizophrenic and on heavy duty antipsychotics all through out my childhood. Which I guess explains a lot...

A tiny coin bank in the shape of a toilet, fabricated from D-grade light plastic. You had to lift the toilet seat to deposit your loot and each time it greeted you with an extended and tinny flushing sound effect.

Thanks Uncle Dan.

Check out the Archie McPhee store online, the company in Seattle that invented the rubber chicken. Nothing but crap, some good, some bad.....lollipops with dried bugs in the middle, potato guns, bed pans, patron saint statues of bizarre things (ex. meat), cinnamon flavored toothpicks, hula girls, fake moustaches, gummy organs, band aids that look like bacon, etc. Check out the store though; it's great for bizarre stocking stuffers.

I'm a girl and I HATE ANYTHING from Bath and Body Works! The lotions are cheap and the combinations are nauseating. Cucumber melon? Asian chocolate? WTF?

There was lots and lots of stuff I never got for Christmas, and now that I'm getting older there's less and less stuff I want cluttering up my life, so it's worked out pretty well.

What I did get every damn year for years, were ugly pajamas. My mom has given my brother and I pajamas as our night before Christmas present for as long as I can remember. Sometime around age 16 they started getting weird, then ugly, then just embarassing. We staged an intervention a few years back that worked for a while, but I've seen hints of strange surfacing again...

The up side, I have learned to dispose of ugly pjs in very creative ways, which I've decided is the real gift.

HEE. You're insane. That gun looks AMAZING. I would adore a gift like that.

This may be my favourite diversion EVER. Not merely for the hilarity due to the abundance of astonishingly out-of-touch Aunts, but also because AHAHAHA. Finally! PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND.

It's to the point where my anxiety about receiving gifts has led me to flee Christmas altogether, and become so ridiculously paranoid about inflicting 'recipients guilt' that shopping is impossible.

In my case it isn't an Aunt, nor any specific gift, so much as a continual bombardment of thoughtless, insulting clothing items from my mother. And jewelry. And perfume. And basically, anything that stresses the point that I am not the ideal floofy little princess she would like me to be.
When I was younger, it was dollies and ironing sets. When I was 11.
Always clothing. Or pink toys. Or hair crap.
Most commonly when I specified anything of a video-gamey nature, or science fictiony.
Dammit.

STOP. WITH. THE. DAMNED. FLOWY. PINK. THINGS. MOM.
And the guilting over them. You know damned well I'm not 6 anymore, and as such you're not going to manage to force me into them. I can run now! Argh.

The most recent abomination was a dragon statue.
...That was crusted in pink glitter.

(For the record, I don't ask for gifts. I, in fact, ask specifically that I do not receive any. At all. I am very vocal about this. Very vocal indeed. After several years my very vocal stance on these things, one would imagine, would have become quite clear. It has not. In conclusion, my mother is deaf and blind.)

Very late to the party....but for what's it's worth -- my mom is notorious for giving bad gifts...

I got a Cabbage Patch Kid. My first year of university.

A few years back I got this snowman figure thing jfor Christmas that was basically some white cheesecloth stretched over a big metal spring with a styrofoam head attached. If they spent any actual money on the thing, they were totally ripped off. I told them I was going to let the cats play with it and them promptly gave the ugly ass thing to goodwill.
Earlier that very same year (and month! go december babies!) I got the probably THE worst present I've received so far: for my birthday I got his little frilly pink purse that came with its own stuffed chihuahua ala Paris SpoiledSkank Hilton. I was more offended by that one than the stupid snowman - I NEVER want anyone to think of me and that overpriced hooker in the same thought. Plus, I was a grown up. I gave that to goodwill too.

This thread is full of win.

Oh, worst gift? Hmmm... can't think of too much. However, my mom continues to get me stuffed animals for some reason. I'm 26 old guy. I don't want stuffed animals. Every holiday she seems to get me a holiday themed animal. Past few years, they just go straight into a bag in my apartment's closet. I have a whole garbage bag of them to go to Goodwill now...