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The Long-Awaited Diversion Diversion

By Tater Barley Banks | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (102)

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Remember the Pajiba Suggestion Box? Couple months ago TPTB here at everyone’s favorite webhome asked for your ideas about how to make the site a better place. The only suggestion I can remember off that thread was this one, which I’m kind of amazed hasn’t been used yet. Since I’ve run low on ideas for wild and wonderful places to take the weekend crew that we haven’t already been to, I’m claiming it.

So it’s your turn. Give me 52 good ones and I won’t have to ask again until next year.

Meantime, to tide us over, the lovely, witty and obviously intelligent Jennifer K. sends along this request:

Hey,

I frequent Pajiba quite a bit, though I’ve only started commenting recently. I’m also participating in the Cannonball Read, and I just finished reading The Eyre Affair which gave me an idea for a possible comment diversion. One of the characters creates a machine in the novel that allows people to step into their favorite books/poems etc. Now you’d think I would want to ask which narrative everyone else would like to join if given the chance, but I guess that’s just not morbid enough for me. One of the other characters uses this machine as way to blackmail the public and threatens to kill characters from novels. So my question is, what character in what book/movie annoyed you so much that you would kill him/her given the chance (and thus make for a much better plot without them or possibly prevent the piece from even existing for more than a chapter and sparing us all some misery)? There are quite a few characters that have annoyed me a lot, especially in classic novels, but I’m leaning towards Raskolnikov from Crime and Punishment.


See? I told you she was smart.

So Jennifer K. has thrown down. You can run with her diversion, give me an idea for one, or even both! Win-win!

Show me what ya got.

TATER BARLEY BANKS is not to be trusted. He probably makes up everything he writes about himself, especially the stuff about living in West Virginia. Don’t be fooled. In truth, he lives in Pajibaland, where he speaks gibberish as , (TCFKAB), spends his time sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent, and is developing a 25-letter alphabet, now that his key doesn’t work. He has no blog, no Facebook page and no MySpace page, so don’t try to find him. If you’re so inclined, you can email Tater.







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Comments

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say I would like to have killed Holden Caulfield. Sure that would have rendered the novel useless, but I think there's no one I would rather kill.

Posted by: commanderfunky at January 23, 2010 4:08 PM

I inject Edward with a syringe full of Hep D. Edward is too weak to attend school. Bella is accidentally hit when a schoolmate loses control of his truck. Bella dies. The end.

You're welcome.

Posted by: Scully at January 23, 2010 4:12 PM

Along the same line as commanderfunky (awesome handle, by the way), there's one rather important character in a certain book that turned me off so very much that I couldn't get past the third chapter or so: Ignatius Reilly. I will never read A Confederacy of Dunces, largely because Reilly reminds me of a horrible, off-putting human being that I happen to know and dislike.

Posted by: meaux at January 23, 2010 4:29 PM

I'm actually okay with Holden. Sure, he's annoying, but so are we all, especially when we're teenagers. And he's actually a pretty good kid.

At this point, having just taught the Grapes of Wrath, I kind of want to kill Pa Joad. I mean, he's nice and all, kind of, but totally ineffectual. And when Ma steps up to try to save the family, he gets all whiny and "women aren't supposed to run things, maybe I should get out my stick". (I love her response, though: "You get out a stick, and I'll get out a stick, and we'll just see who can whip whose ass." I'm paraphrasing, obviously, but not by much.)

Posted by: Becca at January 23, 2010 4:30 PM

Holden Caulfield remains an interesting character to me. Partly because I think I read the book too young and failed to grasp the underlining themes. Embarrassingly enough I thought it was a young man's coming of age story. When I read it again a couple of years later I was blown away because it was like reading an entirely different story. Now I'm convinced that Holden Caulfield ultimately would remain in a state of suspended adolescence... haughty adolescence and perhaps be cast in a Judd Apatow flick.

That said, I would eliminate Milo Minderbinder from Catch 22. In general I felt the book was like a giant Abbot and Costello "Who's on First?" routine going around and around and around adding another character and connecting another plot point. There are about 57 characters in that book, one could defiantly be cut loose, and Milo's representation of dirty inhumane capitalism drove me nuts. Yes, he was central in moving along the plot, but I think I would have enjoyed the book more without the constant "we all have a share" circular but misleading and red herring ridden conversations.

Posted by: Bridget at January 23, 2010 4:36 PM

I know TV wasn't mentioned, but I'm sure everybody who still watches Scrubs would agree with me when I say I'd love to hit Lucy (the main character) with a truck. A really big truck.

Posted by: chayes at January 23, 2010 4:37 PM

Stevens from The Remains of the Day. Put him out of his bloody misery. Along the same lines, Catherine from Washington Square. Characters that don't really change from the beginning of the book to the end drive me nuts. Life just happens to them. Boring and pointless.

Posted by: Carrie at January 23, 2010 4:39 PM

One Diversion I'd like to see would be either:

"Who's the worst rock star of all time?"

Like here.

"Who's the worst comedian of all time?"

Like this guy.

Posted by: George at January 23, 2010 4:45 PM

If I could kill any fictional character, It'd be Bella fucking Swan and Edward fucking Cullen. I know that's too obvious a choice, but who else deserves to be whacked more?

Posted by: George at January 23, 2010 4:47 PM

Fine, for controversy, I'd kill the gorilla from Ishmael, for his idiotic proposals, and his advocation of the starvation of billions, the death of society, the elimination of medicine, and the return to primitivism. He's an asshole, and deserves to die.

Posted by: George at January 23, 2010 4:49 PM

I actually e-mailed this idea to Ubergruppenfuhrer Rowles, but received not the remotest acknowledgment, so I'll try here. I think you should solicit most tired movie scenes. I submit the following:

7. the reading of the last will and testament
6. the gay reveal for shock effect
5. the shaving in the mirror pep talk/soul search
4. ill-timed obscenity from child, granny, precocious teen
3. the rainy funeral
2. dad late for son's recital due to overdemanding work project
1. The Deus ex Machina ending

Posted by: Johnnyboy at January 23, 2010 4:50 PM

The first character that came to my mind was Christof, the creator/producer of the TV show of Truman's life in The Truman Show.

He was played by Ed Harris, who was nominated for an Oscar (but didn't win--he really should have). By the midpoint of the movie I wanted to thumb this man's eyes out of his skull. He made me tremble with rage. I cried from pure anger as I watched Christof manipulate and ruin Truman's life and crush his dreams.

Oh, yeah, I'd kill Christof in a New York minute.

Posted by: Jerce at January 23, 2010 4:52 PM

Character I'd take out execution-style: Dolores Umbridge. I hated that bitch in the book and the actress who played her in Order of the Phoenix was awesome because she managed to encapsulate all the things that made me want to club her like a baby seal.

Posted by: Fredo at January 23, 2010 4:55 PM

Harry. I'd kill Harry Potter.

...and Frodo. Fuck that little gay hobbit.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at January 23, 2010 5:01 PM

Second on the Professor Umbridge. I have read Order of the Phoenix with my teeth and fists clenched over that character.

Maybe that annoying aunt from Mansfield Park, Mrs. Norris. Fanny Price annoyed the hell out of me and I sometimes liked when she was abused, but honestly the lady was beyind redemption.

Posted by: Caitlin at January 23, 2010 5:13 PM

No one said Jar Jar Binks yet? Really?

JAR JAR BINKS.

You are welcome.

Posted by: Notorious VMG at January 23, 2010 5:36 PM

Alex deLarge. He scares the shit out of me.

Posted by: ziggy at January 23, 2010 5:37 PM

I would've killed Sam from Garden State in a most unoriginal manner, just to make sure she died angry and insecure for having an ordinary death.

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at January 23, 2010 5:41 PM

um, yeah...this is a no-brainer...

for pure annoyance irritation factor, and i know this isn't a very original choice, but Jar Jar Binks would top my list.

otherwise, for pure hatred , as in - everything this character did made me want to make her death more and more painful because she was a spiteful, conniving meddling little snake was Flora McGrath, Anna Paquin's character in The Piano.

Posted by: Dr. Emilio Lizardo at January 23, 2010 5:44 PM

oh, and of course Nurse Ratched as well. i sometimes think that Flora McGrath grew up to become Nurse Ratched.

Posted by: Dr. Emilio Lizardo at January 23, 2010 5:47 PM

Catherine Earnshaw from "Wuthering Heights." I said my piece about her in my comments in the "Jane Eyre" review, but she makes me seethe. Actually, (SPOILER ALERT), she dies anyway, so I'd kill Heathcliff and then the book would be way shorter and he'd have less time to develop into such an asshole.

Posted by: DawnDraper at January 23, 2010 5:51 PM

If I could do this, I think I would run over Stephen King with an old minivan before he could insert himself into the ending of The Dark Tower.

Posted by: mudez at January 23, 2010 5:53 PM

I read the His Dark Materials trilogy last year, and I hated Lord Asriel more than any character I'd ever encountered; not with annoyance-hate, like with Holden, but with rage-hate. I wanted to kill him then, and I nominate him for death now.

For diversions, I still think a "best dirty joke" one could make for *hours* of reading enjoyment.

BTW, Tater-Daddy, the cheque for the laughter-splatting is in the mail. Along with my usage agreement: any reference to Hang Solo results in finger guns and a wink in my general direction.

Posted by: Lauren at January 23, 2010 5:58 PM

Anna Karenina: **Spoiler Alert** I would push her under the train in the first scene, rather than the last.

It was the only book I ever had to read for class that I just couldn't finish.

Posted by: Nate at January 23, 2010 6:19 PM

I would unhesitatingly off just about every character in The Hours, which is to this day, the only book I've hurled across a room in sheer disgust.

Posted by: The Wandering Parakeet at January 23, 2010 6:21 PM

Ashley from Gone With the Wind. Most whiney, annoying male in a book ever. I never did understand why Scarlett didn't figure out sooner what a wuss he was!

Posted by: kim dougherty at January 23, 2010 6:31 PM

Word on Anna Karenina, Nate. And I'll tell you how it ends: Everyone gets what they want and they're still fucking miserable.

Posted by: DawnDraper at January 23, 2010 6:32 PM

My Death List:

Achilles (honestly, the fucker just sits and sulks while the Whole Greek Army Already gets its collective butt kicked - put an arrow through this guy's head.)

Hamlet (sheesh, Claudius killed your dad and is busily schtupping your Mom - and you sit there mooning about it? Grow a set and kill the bastard before I decide you're a waste of natural resources!)

Palpatine (wait a minute - three Jedi masters against one broken-down Sith Lord? And one of the aforesaid Jedi is Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson? Sweet Zombie Jesus.)

There are more, but time presses.

Posted by: The Wanderer at January 23, 2010 6:39 PM

Definitely gotta agree with Jarjar Binks. You see, while other characters like Holden Caulfield are annoying, only Jarjar ruined his story. Really, Star Wars is the one of the most profitable franchise ever, and Jarjar killed it. Lucas is still milking the series with his animated show, but there will never be another Star Wars movie during his lifetime. If episodes 1,2, and 3 were any good, then the series would look like James Bond.

By the way, they should have killed him by now.

Posted by: john at January 23, 2010 6:48 PM

I would kill off the vast majority of the characters in "Villa Incognito." I love Tom Robbins' contact-high inducting prose, but God that book sucked mythical anthromorporohized Japanese Raccoon dog dick. It was like reading a mad-libs version of Robbins. Man, you cannot need the paycheck that days. Do not sully the glory (alright deeply imperfect, but still glorious) of "Another Roadside Attraction."

Posted by: Nurse EagerBeaverBaby at January 23, 2010 6:49 PM

I second or third the Jar Jar Binks death request, and since I'll never watch anything Twilight related, I'll take liberties and add that entire crew.

More recent character, worthy of wacking: Gaius fucking Baltar from the BSG series. I could never stand his whiney, self-preserving, self-serving ass. That he survived the entire run of the show and somehow validated his existence at the end just adds to my angst. Baltar must die.

Posted by: malikvlc at January 23, 2010 7:04 PM

Peggy Hill

Posted by: Ian at January 23, 2010 7:04 PM

Well, since I just about 30 minutes ago finished the horrendously bad Under the Dome, I would kill every last character contained therein. There was not a one I cared about or liked or wanted to see make it to the end. And just for good measure - though you didn't mention authors - I'd also like to stick a fork through Stephen King's freaky looking head, because that mo-fo is d-o-n-e: done. After the abomination that was Lisey's Story (which I got suckered into by all the reviews exclaiming, "Oh, Stephen King is back!") and now getting suckered in by that idiot Borders staff member who I overheard saying, "Oh, it's just like The Stand!" (and by the way, I'd like to go stick a spork through her head so she can suffer longer), I do hereby solemnly swear I shall never again read Stephen King. And get an editor, you old coot!

Posted by: Cindy at January 23, 2010 7:06 PM

As for comment diversions, I miss the music ones. How about best band with the worst lead singer?

And the other day Doc Spender was telling me a particular song was in his all time top ten. Got me thinking - I don't even know what mine are. So, how about a top ten list? It'd be a good music exchange.

Posted by: Cindy at January 23, 2010 7:11 PM

Ooh, I'm with Cindy--love the music diversions!

Posted by: meaux at January 23, 2010 7:13 PM

Ian, that would be exactly my choice. I fucking hate Peggy Hill more than I've ever hated anyone, ever. And she's an animated character.

I love the episodes where she gets her comeuppance, like when she accidentally leaves that kid in Mexico (I choose to change the channel when things turn out okay after all). She sucks at everything, ever. Stupid fucking bitch.

Posted by: vikky at January 23, 2010 7:17 PM

That's an easy one. I would invade Spiderman 3 and kidnap Mary Jane before her Broadway debut. I would lock her in a closet and beat the proper vocal training into her so that the reviews couldn't say that she couldn't be heard. While she slept, I would beat up the producers of the show until they coughed up the budget to bring the production to the Aughts and give everyone on stage a microphone so everything could be heard. Should savage beating prove ineffective, I would murder each and every fucking producer until someone signed the check for the microphones. I can't get past this. I really can't. Broadway performers, even Off-Broadway performers, fuck, even many public middle schools with theater budgets give their performers body mics (at least the leads). Yet these assholes wouldn't give one to the female lead of a big budget musical? Really? Who produced the show? Bialystock and Bloom? Were they trying to get the tax write-off? Hate.

Posted by: Robert at January 23, 2010 7:26 PM

If we're speaking movies and television:

1) Paris in Troy, for being a total pussy.
2) Cleopatra in Rome, for stealing Marc Antony from Attia. Bitch.
3) Nicholas Garrigan in The Last King of Scotland, for being an unforgivable moron.

Books
1) Vampire Bill in the Sookie Stackhouse series. Seriously, it would put everyone out of their misery.
2) Don't know why everyone is stopping at Bella and Edward. The entire cast of characters in Twilight. Not just killed, I would go so far as to say they should have been aborted as they chewed their way out of Stephenie Meyer's twisted vampire bedazzling brain.

Posted by: Webb at January 23, 2010 7:31 PM

Meg Ryan's character in In the Land of Women. The last time I watched it I actually skipped all of the parts with her in it. Much more enjoyable and believeable story that way.

Book is harder, will come back to this.

Posted by: grace b at January 23, 2010 7:41 PM

In Stephen King's Dark Tower series, I would kill the Crimson King. Just totally step into the book and erase him from the series.

Oh, wait....

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at January 23, 2010 8:10 PM

malikvlc, if I ever start a band, I think I'll call it "Baltar Must Die." Catchy.

I was going to mention Andie McDowell's character from "Four Weddings & a Funeral," but that has less to do with the character & more to do with my hatred of Andie McDowell & her pathetic acting. Although... the character is a bit of a slut who totally screws with Hugh Grant's mind.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at January 23, 2010 8:14 PM

That little tool Holden from Catcher in the Rye. Not only was he annoying as hell, but somehow he became the patron saint to every lame ass, immature little douchebag in America. Single most annoying character in the most overrated novel in the English language.

Posted by: Diablo at January 23, 2010 8:22 PM

Instead of just killing Jar Jar Binks or George Lucas, which would just be too easy a call, I would go back in time and kill the casting director for those three Star Wars movies. Whoever chose Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christenson must have had a serious hatred of people on a level of Pol Pot or Idi Amin to commit such cinematic genocide on an unsuspecting public.

The worst actress ever in a make or break role for an epic movie was Sofia Coppola, but she wasn't the first choice and only came on at the very last minute for Winona Ryder, a feeble choice in her own right. On the other hand, Lucas and the others chose those two actors, paraded them around, celebrated them and apparently forgot to check if they could act. Tragic.

Getting back on point, I would have shot Cpl. Upham in Saving Private Ryan before there was ever a firefight. He cost the lives of several of his comrades by being such a spectacularly whiny bitch who froze up. Maybe by killing him, others could have lived. He could have done more as a speed bump on the stairs, blocking the Germans.

Posted by: Rubble44 at January 23, 2010 8:32 PM

Ok I'm back and want to add from TV, the Lauren character in What I like About You. What an annoying bitch.

Hmmm...from a book? I am about a third into the book Citizen Girl and the character Doris Weinstruck needs to be taken out back and shot. Holy shit what a bitch!

Posted by: grace b at January 23, 2010 8:51 PM

Joe Pesci in any Scorsese movie. I'd really just like to take a ballpoint pen to his neck so I never have to hear him talk again.

Posted by: kelsy at January 23, 2010 8:52 PM

I have to admit that the first one I thought of was Bella in Twilight. I managed to force myself through the first book and every time she almost died I was so hoping it would work. Never have I hated a first person narrator so much.

For obscurity, any character in Eric van Lustbader's Beneath an Opal Moon. Before I read Twilight this was the worst book I had ever read. Like Twilight, the only reason I finished it was because someone I sort of trusted recommended it and I was waiting for the good bit to start. And it was awful. From start to finish. Although would probably be perfect for MST3K

Posted by: koj at January 23, 2010 8:55 PM

Could i be super mario?

Posted by: Brian at January 23, 2010 9:16 PM

Movie "Chinatown": If not Noah Cross (that would ruin the unhappy ending) then at least that corrupt creep Lieutenant Escobar.

TV "Lost": I'd have to say Kate & Jack & from "Lost" & replace them with more interesting characters.
"Deadwood": Who *wouldn't* have loved to see that shitbag Cy Tolliver get hanged?!?


Book: ? I don't read much fiction, so being "illiterary" I won't comment beyond agreeing about Milo Minderbinder from "Catch-22". I hated Col. Cathcart more, though.

Posted by: oskar at January 23, 2010 9:31 PM

Adrian in Rocky I thus eliminating future "wife as a wet blanket" subplots in sports movies. I think the whole series would have done just as well with Rocky screaming "Yo Miiiiickey! We did it!".

Posted by: Kelli at January 23, 2010 9:43 PM

I really should have thought about my answer before reading the other comments, but now all I can think is Jar-Jar and all of the Twilight characters.

I think I'd also whack any character ever played by Keanu Reeves (with the possible exception of Ted).

As for comment diversions, I used to always ask people where they'd live if they could live anywhere in the world (with money as no object). You could also just ask where they would most like to travel. Bangable celebrity list diversions are fun, but I think we've been there done that. Also, I agree with Cindy and meaux that more music diversions would be fun.

Posted by: lainiefig at January 23, 2010 9:47 PM

I would kill that chick from The Transporter. Her constant shrill screaming drove me absolutely batty.

Posted by: Jelinas at January 23, 2010 9:59 PM

Holden Caufield was the first person who came to mind for me.... and first person mentioned in the comments. Coincidence???? I THINK NOT!

The main character in Alice Sebold's The Almost Moon. She was going to kill herself at the end of the book and I just kept praying praying praying for her to pull the trigger (Oh, I'm sorry, were you planning to read that book? Don't. There, now I've spoiled it for you... don't read it.) AND SHE DIDN'T!!! arrggghh

How can anyone wanna kill anyone in His Dark Materials trilogy? That entire thing was perfection...

Can't think of anyone else.

Posted by: dene at January 23, 2010 10:16 PM

I'm sure I'll think of one but for the moment I need to defend Ignatius J. Reilly. I just love him. I read Confederacy of Dunces about once a year. It just completely deflates any kind of intellectually induced ego I have. Keeps me humble.
Ooh! I have an answer. Whoever gave Ellen Burstyn the drugs in Requiem for a Dream. Kill THAT muthafucka.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 23, 2010 10:22 PM

*sigh* I keep telling myself I should give the book/Ignatius another shot, Optimus. Maybe someday.

While we're in the business of defending characters, I thought Milo Minderbinder was kind of funny. Can't imagine Catch-22 without him.

Posted by: meaux at January 23, 2010 10:55 PM

I'd love to jump right into Gone With the Wind and bitchslap the living daylights out of Scarlett. Listen, I love the woman, but she's a moron and needed to figure out that a) Ashley's a pussy, b) Melanie's the best friend and person she'll ever have and c) RHETT IS THE AWESOMENEST. Silly, silly woman. Also to tell her to never let Bonnie get on a horse.

Posted by: figgy at January 23, 2010 11:00 PM

Victor Frankenstein. Seriously, has anyone read this lately? What a ridiculously melodramatic, endlessly monologuing drama-queen he is! Fainting dead away and waking up in fevered madness at every single trauma that befalls him, or even at the recollection of the trauma... Honestly, the monster didn't even have to kill members of his family to get back at him - apparently, leaping out of a darkened alley shouting 'BOO!' could have given the cobweb-constitutioned snob a coronary on the spot.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at January 23, 2010 11:18 PM

Victor Frankenstein. Seriously, has anyone read this lately?

No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."

Posted by: branded at January 23, 2010 11:31 PM

Did you also say "Froaderick"?

Posted by: Dill The Devil at January 23, 2010 11:35 PM

Esther Greenwood, from The Bell Jar. Just so I wouldn't have to sit through 300 pages of her boring ass life. I mean shit, get more depressed already.

Posted by: Bob Ross at January 23, 2010 11:39 PM

Suit y'self, I'm easy.

And now ... off to watch whatever horrendous 60s-70s SF epic is on "It's Alive!" Does your town still do the classic kind of Chiller Theater/Ghoulardi Saturday night terrible horror movie midnight thing? Pittsburgh does.

www.theitsaliveshow.com

Posted by: , at January 24, 2010 12:03 AM

Judas Priest, it's something called "Night Tide" with a rouhgly 20-year-old Dennis Hopper. Oh, thix should be gloriously awful.

Am I spelling funny? Thank Evan Williams.

Posted by: , at January 24, 2010 12:10 AM

Garden State would have been beautiful if Natalie Portman never existed. She ruined it for me entirely.

Posted by: MG at January 24, 2010 12:42 AM

Palpatine (wait a minute - three Jedi masters against one broken-down Sith Lord? And one of the aforesaid Jedi is Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson? Sweet Zombie Jesus.)

Hey, asshole, it was 4 Jedi's. I killed 4 motherfucking Jedi's, and don't think that just because I was thrown into a fusion reactor doesn't mean I can't come back and fuck your ass harder than Jar Jar shoves that dildo up his ass.

I will ruin your shit, you fucking pussy.

Posted by: The Ghost of Glorious Darth Lord Sidious at January 24, 2010 1:51 AM

This one's too easy. I'd off the protagonist of this book:

Decision Points

Sure it hasn't been published yet, but what's wrong with a little revisionist history?

Posted by: Shiny Toy Gunner at January 24, 2010 2:22 AM

Oh, bucdaddy, you have no idea how much I miss Elvira and Joe Bob Briggs. I don't think there's anything local that's comparable these days.

I have no idea who in literature I'd kill. But then, I haven't read Twilight.

Posted by: MM at January 24, 2010 3:06 AM

WHAT IS WITH ALL THE ILIAD HATE. I WILL WRITE A TEN PAGE PAPER DEFENDING ANY CHARACTER OF YOUR CHOICE.

/archaeologist rant

Posted by: ziggy at January 24, 2010 4:52 AM

Yes Bucdaddy, we miss the days of Chilly Billy Cardilli. MM, Joe Bob is a longtime favorite, every couple of years I break out his two books of movie reviews and read them. And he's starting to put up new ones on his website.

Ziggy, I choose Sarpedon, you may begin.......now.

Posted by: Rubble44 at January 24, 2010 6:02 AM

Cindy - yes - everyone in Under the Dome should have just suffocated in the first 20 pages - way less painful for all concerned. God, what a maundering piece of crap.

Posted by: Oztraylienne at January 24, 2010 7:41 AM

Call me a nerd or whatever, but my favourite target would be Drizzt Do'urden, the fucking over-hyped mass-murdering goody-two-shoes little whining brat that he is. But since I can't do that, I'll settle for Bob Salvatore and his spawn of evil (who started writing atrocious books, too). I'll slowly lower them into vats of acid while laughing at them and yelling: "Now you know what it feels like reading your crap!"

Posted by: FabMax at January 24, 2010 9:24 AM

I'd love to jump right into Gone With the Wind and bitchslap the living daylights out of Scarlett. Listen, I love the woman, but she's a moron and needed to figure out that a) Ashley's a pussy, b) Melanie's the best friend and person she'll ever have and c) RHETT IS THE AWESOMENEST. Silly, silly woman. Also to tell her to never let Bonnie get on a horse.

Figgy, HEE. Also, Scarlett would whup your ass and you know it. She shot that Yankee in the face over Ellen's earbobs.

Seriously, the last sentence made me snort, and a little snot bubble kind of came out of my nose. (There's a lot of class over here.) "Never let Bonnie get on a horse." Haaa. I'mma go blow my nose now.

Posted by: Nicole at January 24, 2010 11:00 AM

Oh, and if I could kill one book/TV/movie character, I'd have to go with Thirteen from "House." Shut UP, Thirteen.

Posted by: Nicole at January 24, 2010 11:39 AM

FabMax, I totally agree with you. I started reading that series when I was in 5th grade and of course to my adolescent mind I thought Drizzt's moralizing was the deepest thing ever. I stopped reading them a while ago and this year I saw the latest book in the store and bought it out of nostalgia....I hate him now. I hate Catti-brie, I hate Bruenor, I hate Jarlaxle, I hate Drizzt, I hate their stupid illogical world, I hate when Salvatore injects his ridiculously juvenile philosophy into his books....I wish Salvatore would just crawl into a deep cave and die..

Posted by: feebthefurbieassasin at January 24, 2010 12:04 PM

Joe Bob is a longtime favorite...he's starting to put up new ones on his website.

Joe Bob Briggs has a website?! Why the fuck didn't you provide a link?!

YOU LINK ME UP TO THAT BITCH RIGHT NOW!!

Please?...I'd be so grateful.

Posted by: Jerce at January 24, 2010 12:42 PM

Amy March. Chicks shouldn't bag on their sister's formers, man. Every girl in the world would thank me. There would be a shrine erected.

Also, the Mother, from Pride and Prejudice. And her sister. And those two bitch sisters. And Kate Winslet's character from Sense and Sensibility.

I've got some lit hate.

Posted by: Captain Steve at January 24, 2010 1:12 PM

Phinny from A Separate Piece.

Kill him earlier so we can avoid the damn angst and will they/won't they tension between him and Gene.

Posted by: Doric at January 24, 2010 2:40 PM

I know people around here are on the Katherine Heigl hate-train, but NOBODY is worse to me than the character of Meredith Grey. My roommate and I almost cheered when we thought she drowned in the ferry boat disaster episode.

Posted by: Tina at January 24, 2010 2:51 PM

OK, seriously, all this Joe Bob Briggs talk inspired me to seek out one of my favorite websites of all time - seems right up Pajiba's alley - anyone else ever read B-horror movie reviews on the "Night of the Creeps" website? I used to love that shit with a feverish passion, but then they didn't update it for many years. I went and found it again, and it looks like they may have updated it within the last 2 years or so. Even so, all the old stuff is still there and worth reading.

Night of the Creeps

Posted by: MM at January 24, 2010 2:53 PM

Linden Avery.

The series are named The (Second/Final) Chronicles of Thomas Covenant. Why the fuck are the second and third "trilogies" entire about wonderful Linden, her awesome, all-powerful, humble gloriousness. She is literally a God. She can do no wrong. She is The Scrappy of that series.

Ooh, she has a kid! Care about that kid!!! He also must be our saviour!

I didn't buy these books to read about her and her boring friends and how everyone worships her. Thanks Donaldson! You shit. Go find Lucas and make a movie out of it.

Also, kudos to Brian Herbert and Kevin J Anderson for desecrating Dune with crappy, unimaginative, Star-Wars-fanfic-level writing.

Posted by: Bluesilver at January 24, 2010 3:01 PM

1) Emma Bovary - whiny petulant spoilt bitch.
Couldn't stand her. That's one classic we could live without because she was the spiritual predecessor of that spoilt egotistical monster Carrie Bradshaw. Grow up and learn to make up your mind. Don't go round mindfucking normal people.
2) I am quite angry with Becky Sharp, from Thackeray's Vanity Fair but wouldn't necessarily off her, just give her a shove in the right direction...
3) Fanny Price, Mansfield Park - sanctimonius little miss perfect. Would kill her off in a second

It seems I have problems with 19th century representation of women. Could be worse, I guess...

Posted by: astounded at January 24, 2010 4:27 PM

Koroviev of The Master and Margarita. I understand he's integral and all, but good gods was he grating. And because I'm permanently in grade school, the Humbug from The Phantom Tollbooth. I've known emo people who whine less.

Posted by: Jezebelle at January 24, 2010 5:04 PM

Posted by: Rubble44 at January 24, 2010 5:12 PM

@astounded:

This friend of mine and I have this long-standing good-natured debate over Madame Bovary. I maintain that she made her own bed and deserves whatever she got. My friend identifies with her and feels sorry for her.

My friend perceives herself as passion-driven (like Mme. Bovary), prone to making hasty decisions based on emotions, and occasionally screwing up big-time (i.e. cheating in a relationship). She perceives me as very "moral" and carefully weighing decisions, always doing the right thing, etc. (It's not entirely true, but that's how she perceives me.) So I'm sure she thinks I'd jump into the book and kill Emma Bovary, given the chance. I wouldn't, though. However, I *might* slap some sense into her. Now that I've rambled my life story...

Kudos on the Carrie Bradshaw comparison. I never thought of that before, but it's pretty apt.

Posted by: MM at January 24, 2010 5:42 PM

I like the music diversions; I always read them with a notebook and pen so I can copy down song or artist suggestions.

Posted by: vikky at January 24, 2010 6:05 PM

@Tina,

THANK GOD SOMEONE HATES HER AS MUCH AS I DO!!!

I cannot stand Merideth Grey, and my roomates and I also hoped for her to die in that ferryboat nonsense. Now she's not necessarily doing anything super annoying on the series right now, but looking at her haggard, stupid face makes me remember all the stupid shit she's done before, and I hate her for making me remember. Grrrr...

Now make a show about Christina Yang, and we'd be in business.

Posted by: Lake at January 24, 2010 6:07 PM

I would set up a deathmatch between Lydia fucking Bennet and Caroline Bingley, in which the two duke it out with whatever violent, rusty, medieval weapon they choose. In the end, when one is dead, the floor will drop out from beneath the winner and she will fall to her doom in a pit of poison tipped spikes.
I hate those bitches.

Posted by: Erin S at January 24, 2010 8:27 PM

I agree about Holden Caulfield and Anna Karenina (spoiler ahead). I hated Catcher in the Rye both times I read it, and I think Anna Karenina needed to die on page one. I couldn't wait for the train to hit her.

Posted by: Tracy at January 24, 2010 8:50 PM

The fey beings known as "lios alfar" in Guy Gavriel Kay's Fionavar Tapestry. I generally enjoy Kay's work a great deal, quirks (and oh my GOD does the man have quirks) and all. But those pointless frackin' lios, with their silver hair and silver eyes and silvery laughs and their MOST HATED BY THE DARK, FOR THEIR NAME WAS LIGHT, as we are repeatedly reminded throughout the trilogy...I mean, I wanted Rakoth Maugrim to go down as much as the next person, but I sincerely wanted him to eat the lios first.

Also, I just tried to read something called "The Little Book" by Edward Selden, and the protagonist, whose name escapes me, was such a damn Mary Sue (rich, handsome, talented, athletic, good in bed, ballsy, creative...I'll stop there) that I wanted the novel, which was somewhat whimsical, to take a very dark turn indeed, preferably involving zombies feasting on the guy's brain. Since no zombies appeared to be forthcoming, I donated the book, and now I have no idea what ended up happening to Mr. Mary Sue, which is fine with me.

Posted by: Another Kate at January 24, 2010 9:03 PM

I have to admit the first thing that came to my mind is a rip from the show Spaced. At the beginning of Star Wars IV an order is given not to shoot down the pod with the droids in it because it doesn't have a life form reading. If he had allowed the pod to be shot down then the plans would have been destroyed and the droids would never have been owned by Skywalker. So yeah, kill that dude. He doesn't even have a name, but without him there would be no story.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the original 3 (IV, V, VI as it were) but the new ones are so painful I would gladly get rid of the whole thing. Now you can argue that killing the gun sergeant wouldn't solve the problem cause it happens after the second 3 (I, II, III) but since they come second in my history I think it would work itself out.

Posted by: Morgan LaFai at January 24, 2010 9:46 PM

Ishmael. Problem solved.

Posted by: MillyQPublic at January 24, 2010 10:16 PM

Tess from Tess of the d'Urbervilles. I hate her.

Posted by: Taylor at January 24, 2010 10:36 PM

rubble44,

Homeboy! 'n at.

Posted by: , at January 25, 2010 12:23 AM

yessir Buc Daddy, as we have discussed on Bucs Dugout as well. I'm originally from Western PA and moved to So Cal in 1979, but I've been back many many times. I love that area.

Posted by: Rubble44 at January 25, 2010 2:22 AM

I'm with Dill the Devil, I had never been so incensed with a character until I read Frankenstein (and it didn't help that I thought the book was crap too).

My second choice is Achilles, just so he can't do awful things to my beloved Hector.

And thirds on Bella. How I wanted someone to rip her throat out (and if it had been Jacob or Edward, even better).

Posted by: Bumwee McGee at January 25, 2010 3:24 AM

Every single character in Wuthering Heights. I would stab them in the temples and leave them out in the moors for the vultures. Damn you, mom, for making me read that horrid book in sixth grade and damn you, every Victorian lit teacher I've ever had, for making me read that drivel multiple times every since!

Posted by: pereka (called birdy) at January 25, 2010 11:15 AM

Definitely agree with Peggy Hill. Even Mike Judge and the writers knew she was an asshole and didn't change a thing.

The mother and daughter (Diane Keaton & Rachel McAdams) from The Family Stone. Horrible, selfish bitches who needed to be beaten with curtain rods.

Natalie (Cameron Diaz) from Charlie's Angels. I fucking hated her. I mean I really, really, really hated her. That stupid fucking dance she does in the beginning of the movie...it infuriates me. And the fact that she does it in Sesame Street underwear...damn her.

Posted by: Brie at January 25, 2010 11:17 AM

John Galt from Atlas Shrugged...

"Who is John Galt?"

He's an effing corpse. Moving on...

Posted by: W.E.Coyote at January 25, 2010 1:25 PM

//slaps forehead

Doh! Somehow never made the connection, Rubble. Guess maybe I thought when I saw your handle here I always saw it here, and when I saw it there I always saw it there.

//doddering old man's lame excuse

Posted by: , at January 25, 2010 2:43 PM

The whole cast of Wuthering Heights is taken to task in another one of Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next books. The group in counseling with Miss Havisham from Great Expectations when a Pro-Cath terrorist groups attacks and tries to kill Heathcliff and anyone who tries to harm/demean Catherine Earnshaw. The Eyre Affair is just the beginning of narrative bending.

Posted by: mamasez at January 25, 2010 3:50 PM

I know it;s late in the game, but I really wish someone had told Janice and A.J. Soprano to get in a car to get milk or something and blow the damn thing up. Two of the whiniest characters in history. When it was a Janice episode, I still watched, but with reduced expectations. And A.J. was a self involved little twat.

Posted by: Rubble44 at January 25, 2010 6:47 PM

1.) Everyone from Twilight save Carlisle and Alice. I don't think this needs explanation.

2.) Daisy from "The Great Gatsby". I can't BELIEVE no one mentioned her. I wanted her to be tossed from a moving vehicle. SO WORTHLESS and the fact the main character is obsessed with her just makes her all the more infuriating- gold digging, brain-dead cock tease. MAN I hated her.

3) Holden Caulfield- I get it- you're supposed to hate him. A privileged, whiny, self-indulgent emo prat- who constantly bitches for 300 pages that the world isn't fair and is full of hypocrisy. DUH- most of us realize this and deal. At least Esther offs herself. At least I believed her depression is genuine and real. Holden just sounds like your typical trust fund baby who spends all his time creating problems because he doesn't have any. Yes- people are hypocrites, but you're worthless. Grow up or take a bullet to your head. SHEESH.

Posted by: Jadzia at January 28, 2010 5:38 PM

"Lost": I'd have to say Kate & Jack & from "Lost" & replace them with more interesting characters.

Yep. This.

Diversion suggestion: Scar Stories. A lot of scars are really interesting and telling. What do the Pajibans carry with theirs?

Posted by: Gabs at January 30, 2010 5:53 PM

I have a suggestion for a comment diversion!
I was reading The Unnamed and kept mentally comparing it to Then We Came to the End, Joshua Ferris' first book, and I wondered if it would read differently if I had never read the first book.
Anyways, that made me think of a part in Chuck Klosterman's Eating the Dinosaur when he said he wished he could unremember certain things so that he could have the same sensations of seeing something again for the first time.
So, in conclusion, is there any movie, book, song, or television show, even singular episode, you wish you could re-experience again for the first time?

(P.S.- If there has already been a similar diversion, please disregard this comment. I'm too lazy to go through all of them right now.)

Posted by: Caitlin at January 31, 2010 8:29 PM


















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