Pajiba

How about characters that have basically differences in their features, that aren't played for laughs or personality? No guys in Hollywood have beards anymore unless they're playing a homeless person. I think Zach Galifianakis was the last truly bearded guy. Tattoos that aren't played for latin stereotypes or to be jailhouse menacing? Girls in glasses that don't take them off and become magically gorgeous? People with big noses, hairy chests on men, scars, freckles, anything that's not plastic looking? My boyfriend got excited watching some movie with Amanda Peet simply because one boob was slightly higher than the other like a REAL girl!

I'd like to see a gay teenager (or any gay character) who is largely comfortable with his/her sexual identity and is accepted by, at least locally, society at large. Often, I think, homosexuality becomes a defining aspect of characters' personalities, and movies about gay people are usually very focused on the gayness. Where I grew up, kids came out in high school and were almost universally accepted. It would go a long way if characters in movies could have entire personalities independent of their sexual orientations. I love Milk as much as the next person, but sometimes homosexuals don't have traumatic lives. And sometimes they aren't super-androgynous. I'd like to see that represented too. Sorry. Rant over.

An Indian guy who's not in technology or a medicine.

A pizza delivery guy that doesn't have a huge schlong.

Or a convenience store.

A stoner that isn't lazy or dumb as a bag of rocks.

What? It didn't say the character had to be grounded in reality.

How about a child in a movie that acts like a child. I can't recall the last movie I've seen where a central character who was a child wasn't either a total fucking brat or a perfectly behaved angel. I suppose that would include a kid with *insert affliction of choice here*. My kids don't act like they do in movies, especially in comedies. My kids are funny because they do stupid shit without realizing it.

There already was an ideal movie character. His name was Johnny 5.

ME.

Romantic Comedy Leads that don't work in the following areas: Advertising, Graphic Design, Photography, Magazine Editor/Writer, Fashion Industry, Pig Insemination.

Smart Horror Movie People - You know, the kind that would, at the first signs of serial killing, supernatural phenomenon, monsters/aliens, etc., would immediately get the fuck out of the house/laboratory/resort and call the goddam authorities like normal people would.

An Independent Film Cast in a Non-Indie Film - Just to see how it works. Really. Have the leads be fucking schlubs like the rest of us, complete with razor-burns on the neck, cold-sores, bad hair days, etc...

An Independent Film Cast in a Non-Indie Film - Just to see how it works. Really. Have the leads be fucking schlubs like the rest of us, complete with razor-burns on the neck, cold-sores, bad hair days, etc... Entire wardrobe by Kohls or JC Penny clearance rack...

More Conjoined Twin Action Films - Because it's about damned time ...

Freeman wasnt a nice guy but he was the voice of the loom which is essentially a random god that tells u to kill people abraham style.

A woman whose underarms and legs aren't shaven, despite living in a pre-historic/post-apocalyptic setting.

I don't think the central character can be a realistic child without the movie being boring as hell.

I can see your point but I would offer up little Miss Snath as a counter argument.

Scorzi - that would scar my neice and nephew...who informed me the other day that God is black because he is in fact Morgan Freeman.

Though if it means anything (which it probably doesn't, because he was still magical), MF did play a murderer in Shawshank.

I can't stand when an average guy is considered fat. For example, Seth Rogen in Knocked Up. With all the tubbies running around this country, he's so average it's ridiculous.

And I'm so done with all the Jennifer Anistons playing lonely spinsters. Or how bout all the career driven women who have no time for relationships? Fuck that. I want to see a woman who can juggle a career and a boyfriend/husband without a second thought. And why, in move-land, is everyone a frickin advertising exec? Or in marketing? Where's the CNA that wipes old people ass all day?

I would like to see less of angsty/emo/"damaged"/extraordinary kids or young adults in ordinary circumstances, and more of "normal" kids/young adults in extraordinary circumstances. Like Gotcha!, the totally not dated 80's thriller starring Goose.

My boyfriend yesterday had the misfortune of having the guy at blockbuster talk him in renting Jennifer Aniston’s “Management.” I’ve been a fan of Jennifer since “Friends,” she’s one of my favorites. I would love to see a rom/com with Jennifer Aniston who meets and falls in love with an overweight black guy, someone like Cedric the Entertainer or a Tracy Morgan, now that is something we’ve never seen before. Can you imagine the box office?

I'd like to see a surgeon who has reservations vis-a-vis the need to create a human centipede.

WIN.

A cute/average smart woman who doesn't/isn't:

a) wear glasses to identify her as smart
b) stunningly gorgeous but mussed up to look cute/average
c) ignored in favor of the blonde/big-boobed/cliche hot chick until the end of the movie, when whatever dude figures out he really likes the cute/average smart woman.

Addendum: Must not portrayed by Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, etc.

While we're on the topic, this is more general, but I'd like to actually see a reality show featuring a NORMAL family. Yes, I know it wouldn't be nearly as fascinating as the trainwrecks that compose the families with 3000000 kids or the families who are one big angry dysfunctional mess or parents who can't handle even the most basic parenting task and need a British nanny to show them how to put their kids to bed.

But it could be GOOD for some people to see what normal, fully-functioning, emotionally healthy loving families are like. God knows as a kid I woulda watched the SHIT outta that, because it's not what I had and I always wondered what it was like.

I'd settle for an overweight female character where no one in the movie mentions the fact that she is overweight. The fact that she's fat would have nothing to do with her story arc, and no one would try and get her to lose weight, nor would she and her friends celebrate the fact that she's fat. She wouldn't be proud or ashamed of it.

I’m sorry Snuggiepants I didn’t mean to say something to offend any one. I was trying to be funny and it didn’t work. Most of the time I just lurk and I think I should go back to lurking.

Nancy I was just curious! I don't want to run you off!

A lead in an action movie who doesn't have an elaborate backstory about why he/she is such a badass.

I mean how many ex-Special Forces/Navy SEAL/CIA assassins can be there be, and why do we always need to hear about it, usually in a scene specifically designed for nothing else but to infom us?

Under Siege (the last decent Steve Segal movie) would have been even better if he was just a cook, and Collateral was made better because we never learn much about why Tom Cruise is this top-notch hitman.

Be moral. Support perfect breasts.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at September 30, 2009 12:33 PM

because there are so few perfect breasts in the world....

Anywho....my choices:

1) teen girl who is slighty chubby, smart, beautiful and OK with herself (and who doesn't speak in annoying cliches)

2) Single mom who does NOT have to whore herself out in any number of ways to support her family. She just...does it. Oh, and she does NOT have the alcoholic/abusive/criminal ex who keeps coming back into her life, does NOT have a dead husband who she pines for, does NOT have a wonderful ex who she pines for---ex is just...someone she doesn't love anymore. They have both moved on. Kids are NOT horribly screwed up, just kids.

3) Gays who are not GAAAAAAYYYY. Just gay. No flapping around, no designer bullshit, just regular men or women who HAPPEN to prefer sex with those most like them.

4) Just normal people, working normal jobs, having normal lives. Yes, the most boring movie ever, but ya know what? Thats our everyday life, fuckers!

Movies are escapism, no one goes to the movies to see ordinary every day type of stuff. People want to get away from their lives from time to time, people want excitement not boredom to answer your question dammitjanet.

"A character who visits his/her small and/or rural hometown and, realizing why he left in the first place, leaves again as soon as possible to return to the big city."

Fuck. Yes.

Main Character: Hello everyone. I've obviously come back to town because I lost my job in the city and my mother's health has taken a turn for the worse. Yes, these are $100 shoes.

Small Town Character One: Well, well, well... Lookie here. Mister Big Shot City Boy finally decides to come back to Squattersville. Sure we're not too quaint for you?

Main Character: Uh... I didn't leave because you were too quaint - I left because I wanted a career that wasn't limited to the Dairy Farm or Shift Lead at the Piggly Wiggly.

Small Town Character Two: Looks like the tables have turned, huh? Now that your momma's turned ill, you might have to look at picking up the second shift Fry Cook position down at Smithee's Tavern. Hope you and his daughter don't fire up no romance again...

Main Character: Uh... Suzie and I went out for like, three weeks. Fifteen years ago...

Small Town Character One: Don't matter anyhow - she's taken up with Clive Jensen, down from the used car dealership. Now there's a boy who ain't afraid of his roots.

Small Town Character Two: Tell you what - I'm gonna do you a favor on account of you used to mow my grandmother's lawn years ago - I'll see if Buddy Conroy could use some help down at the Old Mill. I'm warnin' you - he's not gonna put up with your big city mouth...

Main Character: Well to be quite honest, I've come here to take my mother to the city and away from you backwood fucks. You see, I've got a few leads already in the works and it's only a matter of time before I'm back in a position, probably higher paying than the one I just had. Mom's sick and there's really not a goddam thing Ol' Doc Carver can handle with his basket of lollipops. Plus, your town stinks. It's always stunk. Everything here closes at five o'clock. You run out of deodorant at six p.m.? You've got to wait until morning. That's retarded. The bartender at Smithee's wouldn't know what a Dirty Stoli was if you threw it in his face, let alone be able to name a beer other than Bud, Bud Light, and MGD. And Suzie? Susie's about as attractive as a genital wart. The only reason anyone in this town dates or dated her is because she's a whore. A complete and total whore. There's a reason people don't leave here, gentlemen - and that reason has nothing to do with roots. It has to do with total lack of ambition and the crushing, self-realization that they haven't enough self-respect or dignity to do something better for themselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pick up my mother, fly back to New York, and treat her to a five-star meal before taking her to a reputable clinic and finding her an apartment and a live-in nursing assistant. Afterward, I'm going to get shitfaced in Times Square, have sex with a prostitute that makes more a month than all of Squattersville combined, and then? Then I'm going to go to my condo and watch hi-def movies on my giant plasma television while lying nude on my 500-count Egyptian sheets. And when I wake up? I'm going to write in my journal. My "Reasons I'm Happy To Have Left Squattersville" journal. It's leather-bound and cost more than the All-You-Can-Eat roast beef buffet down at the Bingo Hall. Now if you two old farts want to get back to drinking shitty beer on this park bench, I'm going to get out of this fucking stink-pit of a town as soon as possible -preferably before my clothes start to reek...

Nancy, oh, I know all that. But I just get tired of all the bullshit sometimes, you know? Out here in the real world all the women are not size 2 blondes with exciting jobs/husbands that make oodles of money to let us stay home; the men are not all incredibly handsome/quirky with awesome jobs....wait, I just had a thought.

I really think one of the most realistic couples/relationships in movies was Mr. Mom. Really....neither all THAT attractive, with just one working, they were ok but not overly so, their kids were KIDS.....hmmm, maybe that was the perfect movie...

Skitz, in my opinion your post is the post of the year so far.

Three dimension black female in a starring role that isn't...

sassy
angry
loud
a singer
a dancer
poor
pregnant
a comedian
a slang machine
a single mother
on drugs
selling drugs
a criminal
in the hood
reliant on or desperate for a man
asexual or completely fetishized
a snappy sounding board or inspirational advisor for: a neurotic best friend/boss/sullen child/conflicted hero

... in something other than a...

Police drama
Courtroom drama
Message movie about race relations
Holiday themed/family gathering movie

... that is allowed to be...

A misfit
Eloquent
Unreligious
Interested in other music genres besides hip-hop
In interracial relationships without constant attention being brought to it.

and not played by Halle Berry.

Sorry Jelinas and Hater, but Christianity just doesn't do well here in the house of pajiba.

Posted by: Nancy at September 30, 2009 1:17 PM
------------------------------------------------

I know, Nancy. :)

It's all good; I don't come to Pajiba for spiritual guidance. I come here for good, honest film reviews. When I go to somebody else's house, I don't make them take off their shoes just because I do that at my house.

In the same way, I try to be a good guest in the house of Pajiba. :)

But hater said something I was thinking and so I had to pipe up. :)

"How bout a guy who's stripping to support his
kids and pay for college? Where's that dude?"

I'm... I'm right here, Kiko - (...sob...) I'M RIGHT HERE! I LOVE YOU KIDS! YOU KNOW DADDY WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOW HIS DINKLE TO STRANGERS IF MOMMY HADN'T LEFT US FOR THAT DRUMMER! But no matter how many times Daddy has to show his pee-pee to other people, no matter how many times another man asks daddy to touch his wiener for money, I want you kids to know I'm doing it all for you. Now, who's gonna help Daddy shave his back?

Three dimension black female in a starring role that isn't...

sassy
angry
loud
a singer
a dancer
poor
pregnant
a comedian
a slang machine
a single mother
on drugs
selling drugs
a criminal
in the hood
reliant on or desperate for a man
asexual or completely fetishized
a snappy sounding board or inspirational advisor for: a neurotic best friend/boss/sullen child/conflicted hero

... in something other than a...

Police drama
Courtroom drama
Message movie about race relations
Holiday themed/family gathering movie

... that is allowed to be...

A misfit
Eloquent
Unreligious
Interested in other music genres besides hip-hop
In interracial relationships without constant attention being brought to it.

and not played by Halle Berry.

Posted by: jM at September 30, 2009 2:36 PM

or played by Tyler Perry

ed newman, you mean a smoker who's NOT a bad guy, right? ;-)

I want a movie about a confident grandmother of three that falls in love with her daughter's husband and they leave the wife and raise the children together. Oh, and they both smoke. The wife doesn't. And the children don't. No one commits suicide, they just try to deal with it Woodey Allen style.

I think you've got the idea wrong, there is no ideal movie character, and indeed, the character isn't what matters. What matters is the interaction between the characters.

Look at the interactions between Brad Pitt and Edward Norton in Fight Club, or the interactions between Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel in The Producers, or just watch the movie Do the Right Thing, for some of the best examples of ideal interactions.

I second Jelinas and Hater. It's true. (Almost) every Christian one sees in the media is an ignorant, Bible-thumping, child-producing slag, when it's just another ugly stereotype (though, unfortunately, there is a group that DOES fit).

Realistic, normal college students (i.e. ones that remind me of my friends in college as opposed to the frat/sorority types). The kind that hang out at each other's apartments to watch anime and go dumpsterdiving and attend small free punk shows and whine about how boring their college town is and maybe get a group together and dress crazy and dance to 80s music on a street corner on Saturday nights because it's more fun than the frat parties (DPR forever!). I don't know...it was fun to live it, maybe it'd be fun to watch it on screen. And now I've gone and made myself miss undergrad.

Speaking of realistic college students, I used to pine for realistic post-college students in movies and on TV.

I mean some of us were working. And married. And having babies and dealing with teething in the middle of the night, then getting up 2 minutes later to go teach high school kids how to write a term paper and trying to find the best car insurance in our spare time.

Not, you know, hanging out in a coffee bar drinking massive amounts of coffee and whining about our love life.

I don't know if I'm the first to point this out, but movie characters have to be caricatures because you only get 1.5-2 hours to get to know them--assuming they're on the screen the whole time. If they didn't have differences and/or stereotypes obvious to the point of ham-fistedness we would probably never pick up on them--and end up complaining about how interchangeable the characters were.

That being said, I want to see a character who makes an intelligent argument (whether you agree with it or not) against any or all of the following: unions, environmental regulation, social programs, the "wisdom through innocence" of children, and John F. Kennedy. And I want the character to be a well-adjusted person who is not proven wrong as a central theme of the movie or righteously ostracized by the "good" characters without logical argument. I DARE Hollywood to make that movie.

The first thing that popped into my mind is that I'd like to see a teacher who is not either a)completely clueless and dumber than most of their students or b)a saint who has come to the projects to save the disadvantaged kids.

Posted by: Rubble44 at September 30, 2009 12:59 PM
On my Blackberry your last sentence read as "ass hijinks will ensue".
Pardon me, my Freudian Slip is showing..

I'd like to see more amoral characters in movies. Like Hayden Christensen's character in Jumper before he went all goody goody at the end. I want to see more characters who are just out for themselves without actually being evil, and don't tend to care as much about random people they see in the street.
I guess what I'm saying is I want more relatable characters.

"I don't think the central character can be a realistic child without the movie being boring as hell.

Posted by: Yossarian at September 30, 2009 12:40 PM"

Massive ups, son, the only good thing about kids is that they grow up.

But it could be GOOD for some people to see what normal, fully-functioning, emotionally healthy loving families are like.

Isn't that what The Simpsons is for?

I'd like to see more British characters in American movies who aren't either played for laughs, or the villain. (I guess that could be reversed, too, with American characters in British films). In fact, just fewer national stereotypes.

Nancy, on long drives, I re-cast movies with non white or most non white actors.