The Best Halloween Treats | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

An Afternoon Comment Diversion / Dustin Rowles

Comment Diversions | October 31, 2008 | Comments (92)

Today is Halloween, and in honor of the Devil’s Holiday, a up-and-comer in Eloquent land, becks, proposed this diversion, which she stole from an unnamed site, which she assured me was not stealing time away from her loyalties to Pajiba. Because we don’t let our Eloquents leave. Really. Oh, we’ll give you some time off, occasionally, but abandonment is out of the question, even if it means that I, personally, have to take over the use of your commenter name until you return to defend your besmirched honor. I’m still waiting for the real B-Slim to come back so I can stop hurling insults at myself, though I’m having a a wonderful time talking about boobies in pasadama mike’s stead. Are you feelin’ me?

Hell. Where was I? Oh yeah: becks’ comment diversion: Name your five favorite Halloween treats. And if you’re feeling industrious, name your five least favorites, as well. Or just go rogue and ramble about Halloween candy in general.

Personally, I’m of the belief that individually-wrapped, snack-sized candy bars are the only way to go. Anything less, and I’m going to torch your house while you’re asleep. Don’t gimme no fucking hard candy, either. Shove those nickels up your ass. And if you’re handing out apples, I hope they have razor blades in them, so that they cut you when I smash them into your eye orb. That’s a trick, motherfuckers.

At my house, we’re handing out the full-size candy bars. Costco, bitches. That’s how you win the hearts of the neighborhood kiddies.

What about y’all?

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Comments

Mallo Cups were always the key to my heart.

Posted by: Colin at October 31, 2008 11:06 AM

I went trick-or-treating in a neighborhood with a fairly diverse population, and ended up with a pack of what I think was flavored dried fish skin.

Whoppers and Snickers and mini 3 Musketeers are great and all, but nothing quite captures the spirit of Halloween like unrecognizable Chinese fish products. It's like a dare in a packet.

Posted by: twig at October 31, 2008 11:08 AM

It has to be atomic fireballs. What other candy has the potential, to force someone to see three different specialists right after consumption?

Runner-up: Lemon Heads.

Yes, there is a Chicago vibe here in these choices.

Posted by: richmac at October 31, 2008 11:10 AM

1) Butterfinger
2) Mounds
3) Whoppers
4) 3 Muskateers
5) Anything chocolate

The best treat is having hotdogs & chili and jello shooters in the hood. The dads take the kids trick or treating with a wagon of beer & the moms hang out in the cul-de-sac handing out candy and throwing back the Sam Adams Oktoberfest! Best night of the year!

Posted by: wsapnin at October 31, 2008 11:11 AM

OMG! Dustin totally just wrote my name!

I'll go with grape mini-sips,Mini Twix, candy apples, Mini all dressed ruffles and Blow Pops for the best and circus peanuts and those toffees in the orange and black wrappers for the worst.

Godtopus bless the houses that give out full-size chocolate bars. You are an American hero Dustin. Glad I could give you an idea for a diversion!

Posted by: becks at October 31, 2008 11:14 AM

I drink too much to remember most of the candy, I like, so here's my list with that in (or out of) mind:
BEST
1. Reeses Fast Break
2. Snickers
3. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
4. Butterfinger - the picture jogged my memory
5. Milk Duds - cause they're good in a gross way and by the time I get to them, I've eaten all the good candy and I'm grateful.
WORST
1. Tootsie Rolls - blech
2. Penny Gum Balls - cheap bastards
3. Single-Wrap Twizzlers - they should be grouped in at least 5
4. Sick Halloween Mix Batch candy from the bargain bin at Walgreens
5. Licorice

Posted by: Alice at October 31, 2008 11:14 AM

Oh Candy Corn, everyone hates you but me...

Posted by: Oh Henry at October 31, 2008 11:14 AM

Full-sized candy bars? Your house will be the subject of legendary tales amongst trick-or-treaters, Dustin. I still remember the house in my old neighborhood that gave out full-sized Snickers. God bless 'em.

My personal faves are any of the typical candy bars, like Snickers, 3 Musketeers, etc. And Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The worst has to be Whoppers/Milk Duds. That stuff is just awful. And there was always one house that gave out little bags of chips, and somehow I'd always end up with a bag of nasty cheddar popcorn.

Posted by: Melissa at October 31, 2008 11:15 AM

Hey, I was trying to discuss women and comic books, and you start distractingly givin out candy! Great! Forget it!

Well, I do need to go watch 30 Rock anyway and check in with my fugly squeeze.

Posted by: Jay at October 31, 2008 11:16 AM

Oh Candy Corn, everyone hates you but me...

I not only love it, I have a great Chex Mix recipie for it. Spoiler warning - Peanut butter + Worchestershire sauce + Chex + oven + cooling + candy corn = awesome.

Posted by: twig at October 31, 2008 11:17 AM

Number one all the way is BB Bats! Two is Kit Kats, three is Reese's Cups, four is Sour Patch Kids, and five is mini bags of chips.

Worst is definitely licorice of any kind, and tootsie rolls.

Posted by: sunset&camden at October 31, 2008 11:20 AM

I'm one of those freaks that doesn't really like chocolate that much. Oh, I'll knock back some Butterfingers and Reese's Cups (is it Reesees or Reesis? I go with Reesis. Discusss.), but my top 3 are:
Sour Patch Kids
Sour Straws
Shock Tarts
I have eaten each of these items until my tongue bled. So unless I go by my own candy, Halloween is kind of a bust for me. But day-after-Halloween half priced candy? I am all over that shit.

Posted by: Blonde Savant at October 31, 2008 11:22 AM

I'm all about the dark chocolate and salty/sweet combinations. Since I don't think anyone will be giving out Green & Black Currant & Hazelnut bars...

1. Dark Chocolate Snickers
2. Dark Chocolate Reeses
3. Dark Chocolate M & Ms
4. Regular Snickers
5. Three Musketeers

Posted by: Cindy at October 31, 2008 11:25 AM

I hate those two tone suckers that have a really chalky consistency. They always make your tongue bleed before you're finished with them.

Posted by: becks at October 31, 2008 11:25 AM

Gimme the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups over anything, any day. I would trade for them at the end of the night with my sisters. The going ratio was two snicker/butterfingers/goodbars for one peanut butter cup.
I would later steal all my candy back.
In order: The Cups, 3 Musketeers (not the little squares, but the 1 1/2 inch fun-sized ones), Butterfinger, candy corn (you only get it once a year!) and Nestle Crunch.

The worst thing ever is the guy in the center of the street that gave out crunchy granola bars. His house was the only one vandalized EVERY YEAR. He never got the hint, it still happens.

Posted by: Dagon at October 31, 2008 11:25 AM

One year when I was a kid, one of my neighbors handed out fill sized candy bars wrapped in dollar bills. True motherfucking story. He kept a list of everyone who came by so we wouldn't come back for seconds. THAT'S how you permanently avoid getting TP'd the rest of your life.

Best candy:
1. Snickers
2. Nerds
3. Twix
4. Milky Way
5. Reeses Cups

Worst:
1. Smarties
2. Laffy Taffy
3. Skittles (I fucking hate Skittles)
4. Tootsie rolls (ditto)
5. Caramels

I am off to the Phillies parade, have a great Halloween everyone!

Posted by: Julie at October 31, 2008 11:27 AM

Reese's cups (I bought several bags of them for the kids we never get because it's payday and I can always convince my spouse-person that dinner out is a good idea. Usually by not cooking. We housewives have our little tricks.)
Snickers or York Peppermint Patties will do in a pinch.

Posted by: telesilla at October 31, 2008 11:29 AM

After "anything chocolate" (admittedly a broad category), I like Mary Janes and those peanut butter taffy-like doodads. I'm too old for the gummi/sour patch candy, but I'd trade all my gum and sweet-tarts and all that crap for Mary Janes every year. And I'd throw in the Hershey's Kisses, which had a ratio of work-to-pleasure that was too high for Halloween binging.

Dustin, if you give out full-size bars, you're going to become legendary. People will drive their kids to your neighborhood. You think parents don't share that info? The first group of teenagers that hits your house will be spreading the word via text messaging within five minutes, guaranteed.

I live in a very diverse neighborhood, too, and we get a bunch of Mexican and Asian candy handed out. My kid adores the chicken-shaped Mexican lollipops, so she's hoping to score big on that front tonight.

Posted by: Wednesday at October 31, 2008 11:32 AM

Top five:
1. Halloween Toffees, wrapped in the orange and black wrappers
2. Full sized Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (given by a neighbour up the street)
3. Homemade Toffee apples (made by the next door neighbour - poor suckers whom she didn't know got bags of chips)
4. Tootsie pops.
5. Mini chocolate bars

Bottom five
1. Apples (it's HALLOWEEN. No fucking fruit)
2. Raisins (see "Apples")
3. Mini bags of plain chips. Just ugh.
4. Gum. It was always stale.
5. Matches. WTF?!?! Matches for a little kid? SO I WAS DRESSED AS THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WAS WILLING TO FOREGO MY CANDY, ASSHOLE.

Posted by: Pea at October 31, 2008 11:33 AM

The worst things were those small, rectangular chewy peanut butter things - or the ones with sesame seeds that you sometimes get at Chinese restaurants. Gag.

Posted by: Cindy at October 31, 2008 11:34 AM

I knew it! Dustin, Slim and pasadenamike ARE the same person! It's like the holy trinity of scathing & bitchy! Anyway, onto the candy!

BEST:

1)Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
2)Snickers
3)Almond Joy
4)Kit Kat
5)Twix

WORST:

1)Candy Corn
2)Mary Janes
3)Smarties
4)Charleston Chew
5)Apples

Hey - did the Garfield Halloween Special run this year? I haven't seen it in ages, and it is my all-time favorite. Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy!

Posted by: Kolby at October 31, 2008 11:38 AM

Garfield was the original hot ginger.

Posted by: becks at October 31, 2008 11:39 AM

Best:
-Reese's cups minis
-Reese's cups full size
-Reese's cups King size
-Reese's pieces
-Peanut butter M&Ms (but only if there are no Reese's left).

Worst:
-Necco wafers (they have a Windex flavor, man, that shit is just not right)
-Those anonymous orange and black wrapped nougaty-things. I don't even know where you buy them, but some octogenarian always had them
-Candy corn - oh how I despise you candy corn.
-peanut butter bars - given my obvs love of peanut butter, these things are a disgrace to all I hold dear. The hard candy outside splinters off to reveal dried peanut dust. That's unamerican.

Posted by: MG at October 31, 2008 11:40 AM

Chips! But you had to be careful to segregate them from the rest of the candy population, lest the chocolate bars raining down from above crush them to bits.

Posted by: Sandra at October 31, 2008 11:41 AM

That best: anything which combines peanut butter and chocolate = heaven. Then Aero, Crispy Crunch and Coffee Crisp.

The worst: Home-made snacks (sorry, did you follow proper hygenic proceedures)? 36 cents in change, and tooth brushes. Usually receiving any of these items resulted in a flaming poo surprise.

Posted by: Admin11 at October 31, 2008 11:41 AM

Best:
5. Lifesavers - the little five-packs! Love those.
4. SweetTarts - tart AND tangy!
3. Milky Way. Can't go wrong.
2. Kit Kat mmmmmmmmm.
1. Reeses of any variety. I would trade anything else in the bag for Reeses - especially the full-size ones.

Worst:
5. Necco Wafers - just, YUCK.
4. Licorice. No thanks.
3. Anonymous hard candy. Straight to the trash can.
2. Toothbrushes. Fuck. You.
1. Walnuts, in the shell, from my crazy neighbor's tree. My dad went to high school with their kid forever ago, so we always had to go knock on their door to be nice, even though they had the scariest Victorian wreck in the whole Bay Area AND they gave goddamned walnuts in the shell.

Posted by: Tammy at October 31, 2008 11:44 AM

I used to live a few blocks away from a very wealthy real estate mogul (I won't name any names, but his namesake housing development in the Central Valley of California held the record for Highest Foreclosure rate in the country for a long time. Might still. I'm too lazy to check. I digress...), and there would be a line a block long of trick-or-treaters in front of his house, because he gave out the best candy EVAR!. We're not just talking full-sized bars, we're talking multiple, expensive full-sized bars. Of course there were your standards, like Payday (my fave) and 3 Musketeers (ok, also my fave), but also Ghirardelli's, and other brands I hadn't even HEARD of, but were delicious. I don't know if he's still doing that, what with his real estate business in the shitter and his name being Mudd and all...

Honestly, the thought of gorging on all that candy kinda makes me sick to my stomach now. Ugh. I was the kind of kid who'd eat the chocolate until I couldn't move, interspersing the sour/ sugary candies that made my tongue bleed. Chocolate+bloody tongue=vampire deliciousness?

Posted by: Alexandra at October 31, 2008 11:46 AM

Best
a) Smarties
b) Sour Patch Kids
c) Skittles
d) M&Ms
e) Reese's (Oh, and it's Reesis. I automatically loathe anyone who says Reesees. Blech).

Worst
a) Twizzlers (that shit tastes like plastic)
b) Milk Duds
c) Whoppers
d) ANYTHING with almonds (almond joy, hershey's with almonds, kisses with almonds)
e) Sugar Daddies / Babies

Posted by: Lollygagger at October 31, 2008 11:48 AM

Best:
1) mini-snickers
2) Reese's peanut butter cups
3) these chocolate eyeballs I got one year filled with fudge. They were like truffles, almost, and awesome.
4) Kit-kats
5) those mini Hershey bars
I'm seeing a chocolate theme here.

Honorable Mention:
1) Airheads
2) Mike and Ike's
3) Candy Corn
4) Mini Krackle bars
5) butterscotch
6) Dum dums
7) gumballs
8) jawbreakers
9) Pixie Stix

Worst:
1) Now & Later's - those things taste like cheap lipstick
2) "Those anonymous orange and black wrapped nougaty-things. I don't even know where you buy them" Good call, MG. You're completely right.
3) black licorice
4) that super cheap chocolate and there's usually some lame ass picture on the wrapper, but the chocolate is SO crappy.
5) Dots, those crappy ass gumdrops. They are terrible.

Posted by: Sharon at October 31, 2008 11:51 AM

YES! I just remembered that I have a Reese's peanut butter PUMPKIN in my bag! Muah ha ha ha!

Posted by: Kolby at October 31, 2008 11:53 AM

Incidentally, my girlfriend works at a, um, national drugstore and gets sick discounts on candy starting Nov 1. We always have bowls of candy around for the next month, since she ends up paying roughly 25 cents per giant bag after clearance + discount.
Except, we have different tastes in candy so I'm always looking at her like "Why? Why would you bring that home to defile our space?!?!"

Posted by: Sharon at October 31, 2008 11:56 AM

Richmac, I am totally eating an Atomic Fireball right now! I am so in love with them.

When I was very young, one little old lady neighborhood made homemade popcorn balls that were absolutely delicious.

Personally, I don't care for candy corn--although every year, I make fangs with a couple of pieces for fun.

Posted by: Mrs. Adams at October 31, 2008 11:56 AM

My personal Halloween favorite is the ol' razor blades in the snickers bars, but a close runner up is the priceless draino in the pixie sticks.

Oh . . . you meant favorite to eat? How quaint.

Posted by: stipe42 at October 31, 2008 12:00 PM

#1 is Milky Ways, or anything that combines my beloved Caramel and Chocolate. Mmmmmm
#2 Would be plain caramels, but no one ever gives them out, so i guess that doesn't really count
#3 Would be plain chocolate bars. I also enjoy when people give out cans of pop, you need something to wash down all the sugar, and it might as well be something equally unhealthy.

The worst would be anything with Peanut Butter or any kind of nuts. Since I was apparently the only child in the world that hated peanut butter, and easily half my Halloween haul would be Reese's, I bartered with my friends for stuff I actually liked.

Posted by: mirandom at October 31, 2008 12:00 PM

Twig, you've just pushed me to new levels of disgustedness. That mixture sounds vile. Kudos to you for coming up with it, you mad scientist freak.

Posted by: Lauren at October 31, 2008 12:03 PM

We're giving out pencils and raisins at the Meat house tonight. And cigarettes.

But, if I were to pick, I'd say that I will ~~cut~~ kill a bitch for Reese's cups.

Posted by: TK at October 31, 2008 12:04 PM

The strategy for getting the best candy was always to stop at the houses with columns. That's where the magic happened.

Best:
1. Snickers
2. Twix
3. Nerds
4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
5. Kit Kat

Worst:
1. Licorice - I have a taste for it now, but still... Not sugar-high material at all.
2. Good N' Plenty - How can anyone eat these? They're like chewing rubber.
3. Double Bubble - Take the difficulty of chewing Good N' Plenty, and multiply it by the suspicion that these were actually the leftovers from last year.
4. Apples - The parents giving out apples were also the heads of the PTA.
5. Tootsie Rolls - So many damned Tootsie Rolls. So unpleasant to eat. This was the candy I discovered I still had around Easter.

Posted by: Macafee at October 31, 2008 12:14 PM

Throw my hat in the ring for another candy corn fan. I love that it's practically sugar wax. Hell, it may even be ear wax (or earwigs) but it makes me happy.

Fav Halloween Candy:
1.) Lindt truffles- Only once have I ever gotten them from a house. I wanted to kiss the ladies feet.
2.) Carmel Apple lolipops. Ohmygodtpus those are delicious. It combines actual caramel over lime green apple lolipop. Soooo good.
3.) Chocolate. I love anything with it, but good chocolate will seal the deal for real. Also, I totally love Almond Joy and Mounds, but I'm a coconut girl. Love Milk Duds, too, but I'm also a fan of caramel.

Worst Candies:
1.) BOTTLE CAPS. Those candies ruined my childhood. Every year there'd be some asshat dingbat who would give that disgusting shit out. I don't know anyone who likes it, or anyone who buys it for non-Halloween endeavors. Fuck you, Bottle Cap guy, fuck you with a rusty chainsaw.
2.) Toothbrush/ floss: I don't care if you got approval from the motherfucking American Dental Association to be their "Goodwill Ambassador" or whatever, DO NOT give out dental hygiene products with a side of snark. "You'd better brush your teeth after all that candy or your teeth will rot out." No shit, jackass.
3.) Licorice: Eh, don't care for it.

Posted by: Kayanne at October 31, 2008 12:16 PM

Having just gotten my braces on, which at the moment make all eating painful and all flossing into the labor of Sisyphus, I just want to say that I hate you all for making me think about this stuff.

That said, the person who first thought of putting chocolate and peanut butter together should have won a Nobel Prize.

Posted by: Todd at October 31, 2008 12:22 PM

I may have the worst taste in candy as I don't really care for chocolate.

Flavor faves:
1. POP ROCKS
2. Candy Corn
3. Caramel Squares
4. Sour Skittles
5. Reeses anything. I love peanut butter and will live with the chocolate that covers it to get to that peanutty goodness.

Posted by: Wormer at October 31, 2008 12:24 PM

Best:
-Malt Balls
-Reese's. All day every day.
-Sour/Sugar Straws, even the discount brands
-Laffy Taffy
-CANDY CORN! (Yeah I went there. But not the pumpkins, though. Also, not in this order.)

Worst:
-Little hard candies that slice your tongue open
-Bazooka Joe so hard it seems baked in a kiln
-Sugar Daddies/Babies= losing at Tooth Wrestling.
-Regular M&M's (so boring.)
-Hershey Barlettes (so sooooo boring.)

All-Time Winner- Candy Apples by that eccentric old lady who you parents trust so you can totally eat it. Halloween needs fiber.

/This question makes me miss Pete and Pete. Best episode evor.

Posted by: Beatific Barf at October 31, 2008 12:25 PM

The best:
Reese's peanut butter pumpkin! Kolby I'm jealous! That would be a great snack right now. It's awesome how Reese's started making a different variation for each holiday. At first they only made Easter eggs, and I'd have to wait all year loooong to get that peanut buttery goodness. Now they do 'em for Valentines, Christmas and Halloween.
Baby Ruth
Dark chocolate Milky Way
Pumpkins made out of the candy corn material. Whatever they're called. Sugar pumpkins?
Twix

The worst:
Bit O'Honey. How about Bit O'Suck?
Goobers
Peeps. I didn't realize Halloween Peeps existed until a few days ago. Gag.
Toffee crap in orange and black wax wrappers.
My cousin is a dental hygienist and only hands out toothbrushes for trick or treat. Hopefully they also get egged every year. Or at least find their lawn full of toothbrushes in the morning.

Posted by: shelleyh at October 31, 2008 12:26 PM

so this is random, I work in the Gordon center, a building named after the major donors, the Gordon family, scions of Tootsie roll fame and glory. Tootsie rolls used to be my favorite Halloween candy, just because they weren't chocolate and I had to be different from all the other kids. Now I work in a building that has a bowl of tootsie roll products at every entrance and they are refilled twice a day. Man, tootsie rolls get gross really fast. One day I was drinking a Coke and I picked up a tootsie roll and popped it in my mouth and ate it. When I took another sip of Coke, it had no flavor. I don't know why that is so disgusting but it is.

Also, you would be surprised how far out of their way people will walk for free candy, even if it is only tootsie rolls.

Posted by: maples at October 31, 2008 12:27 PM

My cheating number 6 of favorite candies got deleted so here it is.

Rockets. As a kid we used to crush them up in a bag and shake it then inhale all the powder.

Posted by: Wormer at October 31, 2008 12:27 PM

LOVE
1. Glow sticks (night-time Jedi sword fight with my brother as we went through the neighborhood)
2. Reese's in all shapes & forms
3. Snickers

HATE
1. Unwrapped candies/fruits/etc. (my mom made me throw them out)
2. Butterfingers
3. Malty things

Posted by: epimethea at October 31, 2008 12:30 PM

Condoms.

Posted by: Mattfactor at October 31, 2008 12:35 PM

*sigh* My grandma Robie's caramel corn, which she gives out in little plastic baggies. (The things you can get away with out in the country!) Makes me miss being a kid and living near her. It's just the best. I really have to get the recipe....

As for store-bought junk, I'd have to say chips. Coffee Crisp and Kit Kat mini-bars are tasty, though.

Posted by: meaux at October 31, 2008 12:54 PM

We're also handing out speedballs.

Posted by: TK at October 31, 2008 12:54 PM

Good:
1. Pumpkin-shaped reeses cups
2. Candy Corn
3. Those little pumpkins that are exactly like candy corn, but they turn your mouth orange
4. Snickers
5. Heath bar

Bad:
1. Rasins
2. Chocolate-covered Rasins (you are not fooling anyone)
3. pencils
4. laffy taffy
5. laffy taffy - so bad they deserve two spots. They don't even have a "saving grace" flavor that saves Starbursts and Now & Laters from being completely worthless.

Posted by: phquaryn at October 31, 2008 12:55 PM

TK - so I guess you're saving the good candy for the CPS workers.

Posted by: Kolby at October 31, 2008 1:00 PM

Oh, yeah! Hollow milk chocolate sucks. Just put chocolate in the middle, too, damn it.

Posted by: phquaryn at October 31, 2008 1:00 PM

What I used to love better than anything were Hershey's miniatures, but now they tastes like chocolate coated plastic.

Laffy Taffy is fantastic, but mostly I like the treats everyone else hates--the caramel apple pops, Mary Janes, autumn corn (the chocolate candy corn). I don't know why I'm so contrary.

Posted by: Sally at October 31, 2008 1:08 PM

My favorite when I was a kid was homemade popcorn balls.Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Karosyrup, butter, popcorn and salt.Damn, now I want one.

Posted by: brite at October 31, 2008 1:12 PM

I was always happy to get SweetTarts, Kit Kats, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Tootsie Pops, and -- like any good Canadian -- Smarties.

But the best treat I ever got, at least novelty wise, was a plastic nose filled with little green pieces of gum. The name? Pick 'n' Chews.

Posted by: kushiro at October 31, 2008 1:17 PM

Best:
Milky Ways
3 Muskateers
Twix
Mallow Cups (haven't seen those in a while though)
Laffy Taffy
Anything Reese's
Those flavored tootsie rolls
And as dirty as it sounds, I love to suck on those Sugar Daddies - no wait, Sugar Babies. The Daddies are the break-your-teeth-bars, aren't they?

Worst:
Kazoos (wtf?)
Necco Wafers - are these supposed to have a taste? because I'd rather eat the Jesus wafer from church.
Sweetarts and Pixie Stix
Those damn candies on the paper - what the hell are they called? Dots or something. Oh yes, I just love my candy with a side of paper.

We used to have a Halloween party every year complete with bobbin for apples in the sink - apples that someone stuck coins into. That's not at all disgusting. And we'd hang a powdered donette on a string in a doorway - you had to stand on your tip toes and bite it. First one to eat the whole thing won a dollar.

Posted by: TO at October 31, 2008 1:27 PM

Candy corn, Smarties (where is the Smarties love!?), pumpkin-shaped mellowcremes, fun-size 3 Musketeers, Bottle Caps.

I always hated JuJuBes or Dots, the caramel-colored mellowcremes, the candy corn with the fake chocolate bottoms, hard candies (I could get those at Grandma & Grandpa's house, on top of the TV, thank you very much), and raisins. I mean, I love raisins, but not as a form of Halloween candy. Also, I much prefer my apples cold from the fridge and WITHOUT razor blades, thanks.

Now to go eat some Smarties. Yum!!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at October 31, 2008 1:32 PM

Favorite
1. Mounds
2. Reese's Peanut Butter cups (even though they are milk chocolate, which I normally do not like)
3. York Peppermint Patties
4. Nerds
5. Candy necklaces/bracelets

Least Favorite
1. Milky Way
2. Snickers
3. 3 Musketeers
4. anything marshmallow-y
5. Sugar Daddies--tasty, but they pull out your fillings

Posted by: tamatha at October 31, 2008 1:42 PM

As kids did everyone here gather after Halloween and trade all the candy you couldn't stand for another kid's candy that you liked? We had a whole trading/bartering system in our neighborhood and since I loved hard candy and lollipops I could score big and get rid of stuff I disliked.

And who was the asshole neighbor who gave out pennies? Jesus Christ what was wrong with that woman??

Ah, memories...

Posted by: Becky Tri-Tip Goddess at October 31, 2008 1:51 PM

Best: full sized candy bars, given only by one or two choice houses on Halloween. OR, candy left in a bowl on the porch...who didn't totally stuff ALL of that shit into thier little pumpkin carrier.

Wors: Fucking apples. I always hated those bitches who gave out apples. Seriously, how cruel can you be?

Posted by: tt_marie at October 31, 2008 2:18 PM

YES!
1. Those midget cans of soda - the trick is, carry a tube sock in your bag - anyone attempts to take your candy they're going home with a mouthful of aluminum-shattered teeth...
2. Blow Pops. Nine times outta ten, the gum sucked ass, but when you finally got your hands on a fresh one...
3. Small candy bars. Not the little square bite-sized ones they have nowadays, but the original bite-sized ones. THE ONLY ONES THAT MATTERED!
4. Mike & Ikes, Hot Tamales. Me rikey. Me rikey rots.
5. Whoever said Dots suck can chew a sun-ripened pecker. Dots are awesome. Any candy that threatens to choke you when you've got more than five in your mouth is dynamite in my book. Seriously, shove a handful in your gaping maw - you'll be suffering to breathe as colorful juices stream from the corners of your mouth... That's dancing on the razor's edge, bitches!

I HATE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!
1. One year, there was a guy who gave out hot dogs. Hot dogs! He had a little grill at the front of his garage and was giving out cut-in-half hot dogs on cut-in-half buns. THAT'S NOT CANDY! THAT'S LUNCH, YOU GODDAM COMMUNIST! The worst part was if you had make-up/fake blood on your face - 'cause you had to eat the fucking thing on your way to the next house - you'd end up digesting half your friggin' mouth make-up along with the stupid ass hot dog...
2. I never received this, but I've seen them - Halloween Candy Canes. No. This is not acceptable. Candy Canes are for Christmas. Period. Peeps? Those belong in Easter. Do NOT mix your holidays...
3. Banana flavored Laffy Taffy. I'd rather go down on a close relative.
4. Those shitty little cellophane packages with candy corn, a few peanuts, those pumpkin-shaped sugar globs and a few knock-off generic M&Ms. Why would anyone take any time to put those shitty little packages together? Oh yeah, because your life sucks and it seemed like a good idea to your seventeen cats...
5. Ketchup-flavored potato chips. My goddaughter got a bag of these. Not only are chips NOT CANDY, but ketchup-flavored? The fuck? Here's a better idea - make a grab bag out of those condiments that've been sitting in your fridge since Arsenio was on the air. Not only will you get rid of what's almost certainly now toxic, but you'll give the kids something to stomp on your driveway in frustration instead of chucking rocks through your window and setting your shrubs on fire...

Posted by: Skitz at October 31, 2008 2:19 PM

Also sucky - those Honey candy thingies in boring black and yellow paper. They sucked hardcore. Inedible.

Posted by: tt_marie at October 31, 2008 2:19 PM

A car.

Posted by: Lucas at October 31, 2008 2:25 PM

I'm with Dustin. Sent the old man to Costco to buy a box of chocolate bars. I feel chintzy giving out the mini ones since we only get about 30 kids. The house next door has 5 kids, but lucky they are all pasty-skinned red-heads so I will know if they double dip.
Out in the country one neighbour lady gave out full size bags of chips and a can of pop. Any of us kids would have died for that woman.

Posted by: grinder at October 31, 2008 2:25 PM

Nerd! How could I forget Nerds? Like little rocks of crack...
I remeber one house that we drove across town and up a huge hill to get to because they gave out KING SIZED cany bars. Good ones too; Sinckers, Mily Way, Butterfinger, Reese's. Man those were the days.

Posted by: Blonde Savant at October 31, 2008 2:30 PM

That was an amazing display of my Pro-level typo skills, y'all. Aren't you impressed?

Posted by: Blonde Savant at October 31, 2008 2:36 PM

Hahaha, Skitz, you always make my favorite comment (except when Julie does).

Posted by: becks at October 31, 2008 2:49 PM

Despite the overall hate for hard candy, I've gotta say - the folks with the giant-ass bowl fulla Jolly Ranchers and suckers that'd say "Go on, take a couple handfuls"... Man, I loved those people.

Posted by: Skitz at October 31, 2008 2:50 PM

Best:
1. Crispy Crunch bar
2. Cherry Blasters
3. Tootsie Pops!
4. Tootsie Rolls
5. Tootsie anything

Worst:
1. Those motherfucking marshmallow ice cream cone catastrophes
2. bags of chips - tended to get a lot of those the older i got
3. wax lips - what kindaof child wants wax-flavored candy?
4. mini-caramels in halloween wrappers
5. apples...yeah thanks for that.

Posted by: citizen_cris at October 31, 2008 2:52 PM

"what kind of child wants wax-flavored candy?"

Actually, I think it might have been candy-flavored wax. Doesn't change the suck of it, though...

Posted by: Skitz at October 31, 2008 3:00 PM

1. Anything gummy--I love me some gummies.
2. lollipops--they last forever
3. RING POPS--YES!
4. Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins. omg.
5. Chocolate. Any chocolate. But not in bite size--don't be a pansy. And if you WILL give out bite-sized chocolates, please give me a lot. Don't be a cheap bastard.

I GOT A ROCK.

Posted by: figgy at October 31, 2008 3:01 PM

Love, love....

Almond Joys
PB Cups
Smartees
Sky Bars (do they still make those?)
Kit Kats

My kids hate nuts and Mr. Lower is allergic, so I get all the Snickers, Almond Joys and Hershey bars with almonds every year. Yeah for being a fat ass tomorrow.

Hate with the fire of a thousand suns..........

Mary Janes (the candy, dude)
Whoppers (the smell of malt makes me want to puke)
Tootsie Rolls (way to fuck up chocolate)
Mallo Cups (suck it, marshmallow, you can keep your peeps, too)
Religious tracts (just turn your lights off, read the bible and spare me, okay? It's called Samhain. It was the pagan's holiday first, just like Yule. I don't hand out copies of "The Spiral Dance" to carolers, do I? Get over it.)

I miss the days when homemade stuff wasn't automatically suspect. My mom always made over a hundred cupcakes. Kids would stuff it in their mouths, circle back, and grab another one. Everyone on the block knew us and loved coming to our house. These days we'd just be the whackos with a hundred cupcakes smashed on thier car windows on November first.

Posted by: slower lower at October 31, 2008 3:02 PM

* their, obviously. Proofread, babe, even on a contact sugar high.

Posted by: slower lower at October 31, 2008 3:04 PM

Ketchup flavored chips?

Why?

Posted by: TO at October 31, 2008 3:05 PM

twig that sounds fucking vile.

pea matches! AHAHAHAHAHAHA that's fucking awesome!

You know what I'll be giving out when I'm giving out treats? There's this Honduran candy factory that makes little pink and yellow marshmallows that are shaped like BABIES. I kid you not. Babies. Little babies in cradles. They're called 'Baby' and are delicious and hilarious.

I imagine I'd traumatize several kids with those, and it would be AWESOME.

Posted by: figgy at October 31, 2008 3:11 PM

Ketchup chips are the best! They have to be Old Dutch brand, not those upstart, Messier whoring Lay's. My niece and nephew even dipped them in dill pickle flavoured chip-dip. Which was not surprisingly the snack version of eating ass.

Posted by: grinder at October 31, 2008 3:11 PM

Favorites:

1. Reese's anything

2. Whoppers

3. Caramel Apple Lollipops

4. Gummi Savers

5. Twix

Worst:

1. Dubble Bubble

2. Tootsie Rolls (flavored tootsie rolls aren't too bad but the original flavor is SICK)

3. Those gross things in the orange and black wrappers which I am convinced aren't actually made new anymore the people that give them out have them stockpiled from the 70's.

From the looks of this diversion am I right in guessing that Reese's will be catering Pajiba-con?

Posted by: jmurae at October 31, 2008 3:28 PM

, I think I love you.

But also, I'm worried that you're a godparent.

If you were pissed off though, why'd you eat the hot dog as opposed to throwing it in his yard. Or sticking it somewhere hidden to rot so there'd be moldy ho dog stink coming from his house.

Also, ketchup chips? Ew. Are they kin to the french fries in a bag, because also, ew.

Posted by: Kayanne at October 31, 2008 3:33 PM

"But also, I'm worried that you're a godparent."

Why? What'd you hear? Who was it? WHO TOLD YOU?

Tell you what - I'd have been more than happy to have chucked the wiener, but when you've got your folks waiting down at the sidewalk and a little sister who'd love nothing more than to rat you out for chucking a frankfurter at some douchebag's home... well, it makes for quite the pickle.

Posted by: Skitz at October 31, 2008 4:00 PM

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (the big ones)....yesterday, today and forever!

Posted by: Scott at October 31, 2008 4:12 PM

Faves:
1. King-Size Reeses Cups (I grew up in an affluent neighborhood and it was always a pleasure to walk away from a house with King-Size treats)
2. Dubbl Bubbl gum - even though it loses its flavor after about 3 seconds, there's something satisfying about shoving like, 8 in your mouth at once
3. Utz Pretzels - So tasty! And shaped like Halloween!
4. Take 5 - mmmmmmm
5. Popcorn balls - there used to be this sweet old lady in the neighborhood who probably prepped for months making hundreds of these. They always had a caramel in the center.

Least Faves:
1. Candy Corn - my eyes were always bigger than my stomach. It's just like Lewis Black says: And every year since then, Halloween has returned and I, like an Alzhiemer's patient, find myself in the room, and the room has a big table in it, and on the table is a bowl of candy corn. And I look at it as if I've never seen it before. "Candy corn", I think. "Corn that tastes like candy. I can't wait". Son of a bitch!!
2. Apple slices - yup, some bitch actually bought those cute little bags of apple slices and handed them out on a day meant solely for candy. She was probably a dentist's wife/daughter/whore or something
3. Anything with dark chocolate - I HATE dark chocolate. Who gives dark chocolate to children, anyways?
4. Jolly Ranchers - when you walk up to the door, you always dream about the trick-or-treat-ee dumping their whole bowl into your plastic pumpkin... not doling you and your friends one eensy weensy candy! And they always give you the crappy grape ones, too!
5. Bags of chips - Okay, I got nothing against chips, but seriously people... Halloween is a day for CANDY, not regular junk food!

Posted by: Kate at October 31, 2008 4:56 PM

Ketchup chips are the shit!! Loves them all, any brand, even the Ketchup Pringles. Also worth mentioning, Ketchup popcorn seasoning - aww yeah.

As far as Halloween Candy goes - chocolate anything will do the trick.
Oh, and I love Rockets...but really only the white ones. Does that make me weird?

Posted by: jennybean at October 31, 2008 5:00 PM

Favorites:
1. Reese's Cups
2. 3 Muskateers
3. Milky Ways
4. Butterfingers
5. Nestle's Crunch

I think I'm seeing a chocolate trend here.

Worst:
1. Toffees wrapped in orange or black wrappers
2. Hard candy
3. Anything coconut
4. Suckers, except for Tootsie Pops
5. Gum, not bubble

I like candy corn, circus peanuts, Tootsie Rolls OK, but chocolate wins every time.

Posted by: rlr260 at October 31, 2008 5:11 PM

"...but really only the white ones. Does that make me weird?"

No, jennybean - but it does make you a racist. Race war's over in the Z&M review.

Posted by: Skitz at October 31, 2008 5:12 PM

When I was a kid, I used to call candy corn "witches' teeth." They looked more like fangs than corn to me. I was a strange kid.

Posted by: rlr260 at October 31, 2008 5:28 PM

Why? What'd you hear? Who was it? WHO TOLD YOU?

Skitz, m'dear, you said it yourself when you were talking about the ketchup chips. You said you were taking your goddaughter trick-or-treating.

Skittums, you're so adorable!!! *pinches your cheeks*

Posted by: Kayanne at October 31, 2008 7:14 PM

Mom always said no one saves money buying cheap Halloween candy, so I'm the nice lady in the neighborhood who gives out full-sized candy bars, always has cookies at Christmas, freeze pops in the summer and a buck or two in my pocket if they help me carry in the groceries, carry out the trash, etc.

Instead of the swarm I had last year, I had 8 kids tonight - 8! Godtopus knows where the rest of them are, and I'm thinking what the hell am I going to do with $100 worth of Reeses, M&Ms and Snickers?

So-o-o, I decided I'm going to do a reverse Trick-or-Treat and hand them out while I'm waiting in line to vote on Tuesday. I figure every little bit helps.

Posted by: funtime42 at October 31, 2008 8:22 PM

Skitz you have me crying, I'm laughing so hard at your hate list. Thank you.

Posted by: Cindy at October 31, 2008 9:27 PM

best: twix, sixlets (yes, i adore those things), zagnuts (why can't i find them anymore?), almond joy

worst: smartees, pal bubble gum (it loses it's flavor the second you put it in your mouth), tootsie rolls, jujubees, stupid dum dum lollipops dressed up as kleenex ghosts...um, yeah, thanks for the effort but the candy still sucks

Posted by: kelley at November 1, 2008 12:06 PM

A child that I know got a 1/2 litre of chocolate milk last night. I don't know if I've ever seen her so excited. I actually came on here just to tell you guys that piece of information. So sad.

Posted by: becks at November 1, 2008 1:30 PM

BEST: chocolate anythings
WORST: has anyone ever actually eaten a candy apple? not with caramel, with the diamond-hard red candy shell that was impenetrable to molars and hacksaws and drills and dynamite? I have an idea: "Saw VI: Candy Apples."

Also: popcorn balls? I'd rather lick balls balls.

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 1, 2008 10:38 PM

I like anything with chocolate and peanut butter. Although lately I've been staying away from that shit. Ditto for gummi bears. I just eat and eat and eat until I can't stand myself anymore. There seems to be quite a bit of self-loathing revolved around eating gallons of sugar around this time. Not only does the ping-pong in your head never stop but you eat an entire of pile of Fruit Punch Twizzlers and then go on drink shot after shot of Jameson. Ah, Halloween is the best time of year, drinking copious amounts of booze while wearing a silly ass costume. The walk of shame the next morning is nothing short of glorious!

Posted by: ph at November 2, 2008 2:26 PM

Best Halloween treat? My darling Christabel (It was college. We were inadvertently exposed to literature, and besides, calling here that made her fun-mad.) Anyway, my darling Christabel in a naughty devil costume, lightly dusted with powdered sugar and cognac.

Took me days to recover.

Kevin Smith / Jason Mewes '08 "At least they have the right words for what's happening."

Posted by: BeirceAmbrose at November 2, 2008 9:50 PM

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