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The 11th Commandment

An Evening Comment Diversion / Dustin Rowles

Comment Diversions | May 17, 2009 | Comments (82)

Tonight’s evening diversion comes from Lucas, and it’s a thematically appropriate way to end a weekend topped by Angels and Demons”

“If you could add one commandment to the ten (bringing the grand total to eleven), what would it be? Biblical wording optional.”

Lucas’ suggestion: “Thou shalt not take anything in this book literally.”

My 11th Commandment: “Critics who praise movies for personal gain (blurb whores) should be stoned to death in a parking lot outside of a multiplex of no less than 14 screens.” First up: The man pictured above (how many people recognize him?)



← Box Office Report May 17, 2009 | NBC Renews "Chuck" for a Third Season →



Comments

Thou shalt not kill in the name of God.

Posted by: Cindy at May 17, 2009 8:09 PM

And yes, I know there's already one about killing, but somehow it seems to be ok if one does it for one's god.

Posted by: Cindy at May 17, 2009 8:13 PM

Peter Travers

Posted by: katers at May 17, 2009 8:19 PM

Thou shalt not get thy skivvies in wad when a hack writer churns out a formulaic but inexplicably successful work of fiction about thy religion.

Posted by: ErinM at May 17, 2009 8:23 PM

Thy martini is a jealous cocktail. Thou shalt mix no other alcohols before gin and vermouth.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 17, 2009 8:33 PM

Thou shalt not eat things on which some else's name is clearly marked. Seriously. Don't eat my food.

Posted by: VentureSister at May 17, 2009 8:35 PM

Thou shalt not be a dick. It covers everything from cell phones to Nazis.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at May 17, 2009 8:38 PM

When in doubt, see Golden Rule. Everything else should be shiny from there.

Posted by: ShinyKate at May 17, 2009 8:39 PM

Thou shall not address KISS unless KISS addresses you first.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 17, 2009 8:39 PM

Thou Shalt not listen to Nickleback, nor Creed, nor Daughtry nor any of their ilk.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at May 17, 2009 8:39 PM

Thou shalt not proselytize thy ignorant dogma beyond the walls of thy place of worship. Buddhists: disregard this you already know better.

Posted by: jaf at May 17, 2009 8:44 PM

Thou shalt not rob your fellow humans of their dignity.

Posted by: Girl With Curious Hair at May 17, 2009 8:47 PM

Thou shalt not be a dick.

I don't think anyone can top this. I want it stitched on a sampler. And tattooed on my ass. Well done, MrCreosote.

Posted by: Nicole at May 17, 2009 8:52 PM

As an addendum: Thou shalt mind your own fucking business as often thou shant always be doing unto others. (Not everything is about you.)

Posted by: Jackseppelin at May 17, 2009 9:01 PM

Excellent addendum, Jackseppelin.

Posted by: ShinyKate at May 17, 2009 9:05 PM

Thou shalt not spooge in inappropriate places.
....I'm lookin' at you, admin.

Posted by: popejenn at May 17, 2009 9:12 PM

Thou shalt look it up if the spelling or grammar rules are unclear to you, BEFORE you publish. Otherwise, thou shalt listen to they of the red pens, lest they SMITE YOUR ASS.

Believe me, you don't wanna get grammar smote.

Posted by: Sharon at May 17, 2009 9:27 PM

I don't want any Caxton-style, flop-sweated dialect and spelling adjustments saucing up my message and blurring objectives. If you can't follow my directives as formed by MY brain-firkin, go piss in your cubby-hole, because I can't make this easier. King Queen James was a pedant, so we're leaving his speechifying flowers back in 1611 where they belong.

I'm giving you the science today-style, so take this to Texas:

Buy me things, and pay my rent.

Clear?

Yours in Christ,
Jo.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at May 17, 2009 9:27 PM

I heard a radio show the other day where they have a guest "preacher" every Thursday.

And God said: Here's a baby. Name the dang thing Jesus. It's gonna be HUGE.

I laughed so hard I almost crashed my car.

Posted by: Sharon at May 17, 2009 9:34 PM

Commandment XI: Please revise the surrounding text as new evidence comes to light.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at May 17, 2009 10:00 PM

Thou shalt proffer a courtesy flush

Posted by: PaleoLithchick at May 17, 2009 10:06 PM

didn't we learn from x-men origins that things numbered XI are incredibly ridiculous?

Posted by: gp at May 17, 2009 10:21 PM

Thou shalt not leave thy cell phone on in the theater, not even on vibrate.

Posted by: Nate at May 17, 2009 10:22 PM

Thou shalt not be an obnoxious, inconsiderate little punk bitch.

I'm looking at you, New MTV Generation.

Posted by: figgy at May 17, 2009 10:26 PM

Thou shall respect the earth and all of its inhabitants.

Posted by: tamatha at May 17, 2009 10:26 PM

Actually let's just leave it at:

Thou Shalt Not Be a Bitch.

Posted by: figgy at May 17, 2009 10:29 PM

But fiiiiiiiiiiiggy, sometimes recreational bitchery is fun! :pout:

Posted by: PaleoLithchick at May 17, 2009 10:30 PM

thou shalt not mix play-doh.

Posted by: Danielley at May 17, 2009 10:40 PM

That's TRUE...I think I need to refine it a little bit.

Thou Shalt Not Be An Inconsiderate Little Bitch

There. It covers not being selfish, realizing there's other people in the world (looking at you, asshole noisy neighbors), etc!

Posted by: figgy at May 17, 2009 10:40 PM

Yeah, I'm down with that rewording. I like it evern better than "Thou shalt not be a douche."

Posted by: PaleoLithchick at May 17, 2009 10:47 PM

Thou shalt not leave thy cell phone on in the theater, not even on vibrate.

Really? That's just kind of unreasonable. Might I refer you to the first version of figgy's 11th, or:

Thou Shalt Mind Thy Own Fucking Business.

Posted by: HappyGobo at May 17, 2009 10:55 PM

Thou shalt not take this book so damned seriously, as ye were given a mind for a reason.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at May 17, 2009 10:58 PM

think hard.

Posted by: trippdup at May 17, 2009 11:00 PM

Thou shalt not blame strangers for thy shitty mood.

Posted by: Ling at May 17, 2009 11:01 PM

Thou shalt not bring thy shitty attitude into threads of good tidings and great joy.
*coughBSlimcough*

Posted by: Spender at May 17, 2009 11:09 PM

May not apply to this crowd, but for posterity's sake:

Thou shalt not utter the phrase “raped my childhood” unless thy childhood was actually raped. The worst a film maker can do is fool you into parting with $10 and 2 ½ hours.

Posted by: Dave Shepherd at May 17, 2009 11:12 PM

*Pajiba Update*
Chuck has been renewed but with significant monetary cut-backs.
They say one character will be cut and several characters will appear in less episodes.
Commence celebration
*I now return you to your regularly scheduled Pajibing*

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at May 17, 2009 11:31 PM

Thou shalt chill the fuck out and not get pissy over stupid stuff. (If there is a big guy up there, I like to think of him as a mellow sort.)

Posted by: meaux at May 17, 2009 11:38 PM

Thou shalt get off my lawn goddammit!

Posted by: branded at May 17, 2009 11:38 PM

Thou shalt not use this book as an excuse to deny gay people the right to get married while at the same time using it to justify your last three divorces from your own "sanctified" marriages.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at May 17, 2009 11:45 PM

Rhyme, you don't even like Chuck. Way to make an announcement that a true fan should have made, ya know, like Seth. Step off.

And as for Commandments, it really looks like everyone this the Golden Rule should be number 11. You know, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

But, my humble suggestion: When thou arst living with others, thou shall not freak out and go on a passive aggressive psycho bitch rant when one of your roommates asks you to clean up your own heathen mess. And then, when a ridiculous argument ensues, thou shall not retort, "We are Christians, let's just agree to disagree." But bitch, thou still haven't cleaned up the crusty pots thou hath left in the kitchen. Skankbag. So sayeth the Lord.

Posted by: Kayanne at May 17, 2009 11:57 PM

kayanne, wow. just wow. :)

Posted by: gp at May 18, 2009 12:14 AM

I watch Chuck every Tuesday on Hulu. I just would rather watch How I Met Your Mother during Chuck's timeslot. So step off, you Leno-Loving Giantess.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at May 18, 2009 12:20 AM

Thou shalt have a sense of humor regarding all things. After all, the last laugh is on you.

Posted by: Cat at May 18, 2009 12:31 AM

*hugs gp and flicks off Rhyme*

I'm beginning to think Chuck was considered for cancellation because all of it's predominate fan base (our agers and techies) watch it over alternative media. And for whatever reason networks still don't know what to do with this new high-falootin' internets. And yet, HIMYM is already in syndication. I'm just wondering why they don't move Chuck to another time slot considering the audiences coincide so damn much.

Also, I'm not a giantess. Nor, do I love Leno. Fucking Hipster Yankee. Go right some ironic song lyrics in your composition notebook.

Posted by: Kayanne at May 18, 2009 12:32 AM

Commandment #12:

Thou shalt not mix up homonyms whilst inflicting an internet smack down on your enemies. If thou disobeyist, the Lord shall smite thee by making thee look like a total Douche, one who is Beelzebub's eyeliner applier.

Posted by: Kayanne at May 18, 2009 12:35 AM

Thou shalt be personally responsible for all thy actions and suffer the consequences without bitching and blame placing.

Posted by: wsapnin at May 18, 2009 12:36 AM

If Chuck was on a different time slot I would gladly watch the hell out of it. And how did you...? I... Those are private!
Luckily, I'll forgive you the spelling error, as I am magnanimous in victory.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at May 18, 2009 12:42 AM

And how did you...? I... Those are private!

Face it, Rhyme you're a cliche. Oh hey, look, I found another lost commandment! Hmmm what does it say:

"And the Lord say verily unto thee, do not fuck with my child, or thou shall be smited with the swamp ass."

Keep that in mind when you're thinking about picking on the awkward tall girl with glasses.

Posted by: Kayanne at May 18, 2009 12:55 AM

Kayanne I don't know if I can stay in this comment thread with all this sexual tension. I'm spoken for. I can't go running off with some internet floozy. I'm sorry. I know how you feel, I can see it in your eyes. But it can never be.
(Of course if things don't work out with the girl, who knows? I'll be able to find you, you're always good for a late night Comment romp.)

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at May 18, 2009 1:02 AM

Rhyme, in whatever universe "swamp ass" is to be considered a come on, I pray to God (who's commandments we make a mockery of this evening, but I think is totally cool with that, because, you know, he's probably get a great sense of humor, I mean, hello, manatees...) that I never find myself in an inter-dimensional rift that leads me to stay there for ever.

I don't date younger men. Not even through an internet medium. Also, as a tip, you mentioned she reads this... You probably don't want to go propositioning young ladies on the chance that "things don't work out."

Also, I'm not a floozy! *sobs on gp's shoulder* Why is gp the only one who understands me?

Posted by: Kayanne at May 18, 2009 1:10 AM

Well you're lucky, because I DO date older women.
And she doesn't hang around the comment section, I think. She's a big time lurker. And she knows I'm just foolin'.
And Sorry for highjacking another one of these Dustin. It's Kayanne. She starts it. She baits me. She's a baiter.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at May 18, 2009 1:23 AM

Thou shalt chill the fuck out

I say let's make meaux's a Pajiba Commandment!

Along with Thou Shalt Pay Tribute To The One God, Godtopus.

Posted by: figgy at May 18, 2009 1:38 AM

Thou shalt never mix up "they're," "their," and "there," unless thou art under the age of ten.

Posted by: Erin S at May 18, 2009 1:46 AM

Thou Shalt No Be A Dick

Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out

Thou Shalt Not Be A Bag Of Douche

... they all amount to the same things, and they are perfect in their brevity.

Posted by: Cletus at May 18, 2009 2:04 AM

Also, Kayanne's commandment, though lengthy, is totally appropriate.

Posted by: Cletus at May 18, 2009 2:07 AM

Thou Shalt NOT use texting acronyms in any non-texting scenario, whether it be internet site comments or a formal paper.

Posted by: Bonnie at May 18, 2009 2:10 AM

Thou shalt NEVER agree to disagree!

Posted by: Mad at May 18, 2009 4:33 AM

but I think is totally cool with that, because, you know, he's probably get a great sense of humor, I mean, hello, manatees...

Preach it, sister...

Thou shalt be prepared to listen to reason. Saying 'I don't believe in science because it disagrees with the Bible' is not reason. It's ignorance and stupidity, and I gave you a brain for a reason, so use it you mindless fuckwits!

Posted by: rach at May 18, 2009 5:09 AM

Kayanne, it looks like you're reading this one, so:

The reason I was surprised you were still a virgin in that last thread was because I find it surprising that anyone would willingly remain a virgin past age 18. I got rid of my virginity as soon as I was able, and I'm better off without it (virginity is itchy).

Posted by: Lucas at May 18, 2009 6:05 AM

Sigh.

Thou shalt love and respect thy current boob, ass, dick, vagooter*, chest, waist, thighs, chin, nose, hair, skin, foot, voice, eye color, laugh, method of sexin', runnin' and drinkin', et al. Dust to dust, children. At end-life, thou will bemoan the fool that thou wast.


*thanks to Julie. My repressed/abandoned catholic quailed inside at writing the technical terminology.

Posted by: replica at May 18, 2009 6:12 AM

Thou shalt not write/produce/direct/act in/see Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 unless yearning for the eternal purple nurple of damnation.

Thou shalt not take Ann Coulter or any of the Fox News minions seriously. I mean, come on, this one's pretty obvious.

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at May 18, 2009 6:34 AM

I'm going to go along with
"Thou shalt not be a *insert favoured term for asshole here*".

It's all-encompassing, yo.

Posted by: Tarn at May 18, 2009 6:49 AM

"Be excellent to each other."

or

"Thou shalt not be a hypocrite."

Although that second one leaves too much wiggle room. Shit, God said 'thou shalt not kill' and we STILL had the argument for 'just war.' Four words. It doesn't get less complicated than that.

Posted by: twig at May 18, 2009 7:36 AM

That guy in the picture... isn't that Tom, one of the master carpenters on This Old House Classics?

Posted by: Rykker at May 18, 2009 7:55 AM

Thou shalt not use this book or its contents againtht others in a negative way (unleth thou art being robbed and need to smacketh them in the face with thine Good Book, in which case, swingeth away). Theriouthly, it maketh you look crazy.

Posted by: Kballs at May 18, 2009 7:56 AM

Oh god, I've just got back from a funeral this weekend where it was so painfully clear that religion hurts people terribly; I can't think of a commandment beyond, 'Just - just - just think, and be sensible and be kind, please'.

Posted by: Caspar at May 18, 2009 8:12 AM

She baits me. She's a baiter.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme

Optimus, would you perhaps call her a... "MASTER" baiter?

:D

Posted by: popejenn at May 18, 2009 8:41 AM

thou shalt not take it upon yourself to cause armageddon even if it means seeing all your dead relatives and all the opressed murdered innocents return to life.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at May 18, 2009 8:56 AM

Thou shalt not use thy wife's good rolling pin to pound nails into the wall. Dumbass.

Thou shalt raise "Pushing Daisies" and "Arrested Development" from the dead, for they are a sign of my love for man.

Posted by: Aratweth at May 18, 2009 9:25 AM

Thou shalt not make any more films about whiny co-dependant women who just need a man to be fulfilled. There is a woman in my book who killed a man by ramming a tent peg through his skull. Make a movie about her, goddammit.

However, though shalt not cast Rainbow Killer as Jael. Cause, just, no. I'm God, and I said so, and usually that is enough excuse for you people, assholes.

Posted by: rach at May 18, 2009 9:32 AM

From Remo Williams:

Thou Shalt Not Get Away With It

Posted by: John W at May 18, 2009 10:52 AM

Thou shalt not compromise.

Posted by: courtney at May 18, 2009 11:19 AM

Thou shalt not not desecrate thine body.

A world full of healthy, clear-minded, fit and personable Christians and Pseudo-christians.

Being made to hop on only one foot (as the other foot is unclean) until sundown during the Lord's Day wouldn't be half bad either

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at May 18, 2009 12:38 PM

I'll pull mine from Lazarus Long:
Thou Shalt Not Get Caught.

Posted by: Ray at May 18, 2009 12:44 PM

Posted by: Lucas at May 18, 2009 6:05 AM

Lucas, are you stalking me, or my virginity? Is my cherry your Moby Dick? Does my virginity make you itch? Because usually, non-broken in vaginas don't have a tendency to make others itch...

Preach it, sister...

rach if beer is proof that God loves us and wants to be happy, manatees are proof that God's got the giggles. The dodo used to be His ultimate joke, but then we made that shit go kaput. Clearly, one of us has a better sense of humor than the other.

Posted by: Kayanne at May 18, 2009 1:36 PM

Thou shalt brake for pedestrians and move over for bicycles. Honestly, don't make Me come down there.

Posted by: HpwardBollixter at May 18, 2009 2:46 PM

Jo "Mama" Besser, you're my new personal heroine.

My one commandment would be "Think". Fuck all the other 10.

Posted by: Joker at May 18, 2009 5:40 PM

From Remo Williams:

Thou Shalt Not Get Away With It

Posted by: John W at May 18, 2009 10:52 AM

Thou shalt not compromise.

Posted by: courtney at May 18, 2009 11:19 AM
i agree with those two depending on what he's getting away with and what your compromising on
.
heres another one of mine Thou shalt not pull the fire alarm just to see how it works.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at May 18, 2009 6:59 PM

Kayanne: No, I was answering your question from the old dead thread (you wanted to know why I was so surprised that you were a virgin). And my virginity made me itch until I got rid of it.

This is frustrating. I know you're not going to read this response because this thread is now dead. I guess I'll just give up. Pajiba ought to have a forum.

Posted by: Lucas at May 18, 2009 11:32 PM

Lucas! I am reading. And I'm sorry your virginity made you itch. I doubt hydrocortisone would have worked, so chucking it was probably the best option.

Posted by: Kayanne at May 18, 2009 11:43 PM

Also, be advised, I left a comment on your blog!

Posted by: Kayanne at May 19, 2009 12:13 AM