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"Don't Die on Me" and Other Overused TV Cliches

Comment Diversion / Beckyloo Who

Comment Diversions | March 25, 2009 | Comments (178)

So, I write TV for a living. In order to survive on almost any show, one must be willing and able to be a mercenary. This was my biggest fear starting out, that I wouldn’t be able to execute what was demanded of me due to my pesky standards.

(Un?)fortunately, that hasn’t been a problem but I’ve recently discovered it’s a quick and slippery slide from the midlands of mercenary to the lowlands of hackitude. In watching TV this past week I caught half a dozen lines on other shows that either I’d written into my current script or someone else on staff had used recently. Heard in a different context, it hit me just how rote I’d let my writing become. How lazy I’ve gotten. Shameful really. So as a way to keep myself in check and as a service to writers everywhere, I’ve begun to compile a list of lines to be avoided at all costs. And there is no group of minds I’d rather enlist to help me round this puppy out than the illustrious Eloquents.

Now, one can argue there are lines that are hackneyed because that’s just how folks talk. I’m aware most mere mortals don’t sound like they just stepped out of a Dan Waters movie (I refuse to reference Diablo Cody as the gold standard of quirky dialogue). But I’d argue there is a middle ground between “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” and some schlock that plays like you just shook a dialogue magic eight ball.

Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about. Help me out with some more:

“I can’t do this without you/him/her.”

“These are people’s lives” “Don’t you think I know that?”

“You take me to all the fancy places” (said while eating take out)

“How could you be so stupid?”

“What do you want from me!?”

“I can’t love you if you don’t love yourself.”

“That’s so crazy it just might work.”

“Don’t you die on me!”

“What part of ______ don’t you understand?”

“I always wanted to do/say that!”

All right, have at it.


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Comments

It's not you, It's me.

Posted by: admin at March 25, 2009 3:50 PM

This isn't a game! This is my life!

Posted by: branded at March 25, 2009 3:51 PM

"I've never felt this way before."

*eye roll*

Posted by: Kayanne at March 25, 2009 3:52 PM

I am SO TIRED of commercials/TV shows/whoever telling me to "get my ____ on." Get your groove on started it, I think, but now it's everywhere! NO, I will not get my sandwich on! I will enjoy a sandwich in the conventional fashion, thank you!

Posted by: redherring at March 25, 2009 3:52 PM

The whole (cop/military member/fireman/doctor/etc.) who "does it his own way"

Granted, it's not a cliche'd line (unless you want to count "he's a bastard who does it his own way but he gets the job done") but it IS a major cliche in every show ever made.

Posted by: Uncle JR at March 25, 2009 3:53 PM

"You BITCH! You've never given up on anything before in your life! Don't start now! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

:::smack::::

Posted by: Withnail at March 25, 2009 3:55 PM

HA, Withnail!

Posted by: Julie at March 25, 2009 3:55 PM

Hang on to something!

Posted by: Withnail at March 25, 2009 3:56 PM

I don't know how to let you go!

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 3:56 PM

I'm bringing _______ back.

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 3:57 PM

No, Kathy, you MUSN'T! He's your duh duh DUH brother!

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 3:59 PM

I'm/you're not like other guys/girls.

Posted by: TK at March 25, 2009 3:59 PM

Do I look like I was born yesterday?

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 3:59 PM

"Don't blame yourself, you couldn't have known." and/or "How could I/you/we have known?"

(Meanwhile, the audience knew it all along.)

Posted by: Cindy at March 25, 2009 4:00 PM

Does this look infected?

Oh, sorry. Wrong list.

Posted by: TK at March 25, 2009 4:00 PM

"Why won't you let me love you?", or any other version of it.

"You're not serious, are you?"

"I'm so not _________"

"Uh-Hmmmm" (McDreamy's favorite line)

"So I guess this is it, huh?"

I've just realized most cliché lines have to do with either breakups or death - or both at the same time. Are we running out of fresh ways of breaking people's hearts (or fail at operating on them)?

Posted by: Sofía at March 25, 2009 4:00 PM

"You don't get it, do you?"

Posted by: samantha t at March 25, 2009 4:01 PM

A variation on "Don't you die on me" - "Stay with me!"

"Maybe if you wore a little lipstick." - to a fully made-up, drop dead gorgeous cop/scientist.

"I'm counting on it." said after the other person has left the room after saying something snarky.

Posted by: MG at March 25, 2009 4:01 PM

Anyone telling the ever-clueless male: "Girls like...or girls don't like..."

Whatever it is, don't fucking listen.

Posted by: Cindy at March 25, 2009 4:01 PM

I bet you say that to all the girls.

I especially hate that line when it's used ironically.

Posted by: Tae at March 25, 2009 4:01 PM

You/I have to let him/her go!

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 4:02 PM

I don't CARE what it takes!

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 4:05 PM

"That's what she said"?

No, that just doesn't get old.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at March 25, 2009 4:05 PM

Get your head outta your ass.

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 4:05 PM

"I never thought I'd say _____ and ____ in the same sentence!" (laugh track)

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at March 25, 2009 4:06 PM

"There's no backing out now..."
"This is life, take it or leave it..."
"My bagina scratches..."

Posted by: Skitz at March 25, 2009 4:06 PM

I begin to tire of "I'm so over (him/her/it/random noun or verb)". Especially when it is used, as it almost always is, to indicate that you are very seriously NOT over him/her/it/random noun or verb.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at March 25, 2009 4:07 PM

Kids these days.

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 4:07 PM

"I have a bad feeling about this"

Used in almost every George Lucas show/movie. I always end out saying it too before I watch :(

Posted by: bots at March 25, 2009 4:07 PM

"Take Off Your Glasses."

"Oh my god you're Beautiful."

Posted by: Withnail at March 25, 2009 4:07 PM

"This is gonna be a bumpy ride!!!!!!"

Posted by: adam at March 25, 2009 4:07 PM

"My bagina scratches..."
Posted by: Skitz at March 25, 2009 4:06 PM

Ugh! I know, right? So, so tired of that one.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at March 25, 2009 4:08 PM

You can't handle the truth!

Posted by: Alexandra at March 25, 2009 4:08 PM

It wasn't/isn't your fault. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT!

From reality shows:

I'm not here to make friends.

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 4:08 PM

"I don't know what you are talking about!"

WTF, who doesn't know by now that if you are trying to hide your involvement in/knowledge about something from the bad guy that that line NEVER works. It practically *means* "I know more about what you are talking about than anyone else".

The best answer is always a blank face and/or a "Huh?"

Posted by: foxeye at March 25, 2009 4:09 PM

Oh, and:

"No one wants this more than I do!"

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 4:09 PM

Were you raised in a barn?

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 4:09 PM

"SALAZAAAAAR!"
"Well, look what the ______ dragged in..."
"I don't remember signing up for this..."
"I guess I didn't get that memo..."
"He/She's dead already/already dead..."
"Jesus, mom - Mexicans?"

Posted by: Skitz at March 25, 2009 4:09 PM

Gay Porn: "I've never done this before!" (Then displays technique a sword swallower couldn't replicate)

Posted by: spazmodeas at March 25, 2009 4:10 PM

You/I have to let him/her go!

Also:
If you love something, let it go, only if returns is it truly yours.

Posted by: branded at March 25, 2009 4:10 PM

Augh:

"I don't think I can do this!"

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 4:10 PM

"there's no time!"

"we're running out of time!"

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 4:12 PM

"You brought this on yourself..."
"No, thank you..." (followed by a higher-rank salute)
"He/They never counted on me/us..."
"Holy shit, pop - two prostitutes?"

Posted by: Skitz at March 25, 2009 4:14 PM

Another reality-show classic:

"I DESERVE this!"

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 4:14 PM

"there's more going on than you could ever understand" - almost every episodes of heroes

and maybe this is just something people really do say but I really hate it when a scene ends with "let's get out of here." Unless it's the Goonies. And that's probably cause the "Like now" tagged onto the end. And Goonies can do no wrong.

Posted by: the other kafka at March 25, 2009 4:14 PM

I was taught that a mark of a bad script is the line "You just don't get it, do you?" I'm inclined to agree. The line never, ever works.

There has never been a script in the history of the world that contained the line that wouldn't have been a better script without it.

That includes any movies or shows called You Just Don't Get It, Do You.

Posted by: Soulless Merchant of Fear at March 25, 2009 4:16 PM

"From reality shows:

I'm not here to make friends."

Ha ha ha ha! So true. No recognition of the gulf between behavior-intended-to-elicit-friendship and sociopathy.

Posted by: samantha t at March 25, 2009 4:17 PM

While dying: When it's your time, its your time.

Of course it is your fucking dying!

Posted by: admin at March 25, 2009 4:19 PM

My favorite reality show cliche is the asking of God/Jesus/insert higher power here to help them win. Yes, you idiot, you winning the Amazing Race is the most important thing on his schedule.

Posted by: Melody at March 25, 2009 4:23 PM

"As long as it takes..."

*cough*sawyer*cough*

Posted by: phaedawg at March 25, 2009 4:23 PM

"[Name], I... I --"

"I know."

Posted by: Abbey Road at March 25, 2009 4:24 PM

"Bitch, you don't know me..."
"It was him/her all along..."
"There just wasn't enough time..."
"He/she knew what they were doing all along..."
"No, Charlie - I haven't swallowed this many at once!"

Posted by: Skitz at March 25, 2009 4:25 PM

"WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?"

"WHERE IS THE BOMB??"

"AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

"He's dead, Jim....."

Posted by: dammitjanet at March 25, 2009 4:25 PM

Now, I'm not saying you're not right - those sayings should never be in a script, simply because they're so terrifically unoriginal... but cliches become cliche for a reason, so I'm not too surprised that it's an issue. I've heard most of those things said (a number of time) by regular people, who weren't trying to be funny or imitate anything (ok, except maybe "that's so crazy it just might work"). I mean, geeze, I use "how can you be so stupid!" pretty much on a daily basis... my poor husband.

But I'd like to add one... "Not this time.."

Posted by: Xan at March 25, 2009 4:25 PM

"It was you - it was always you..."
"Thought you'd get away with it, didn't you?"
"I said I wanted one with a suction cup on the end of it!"

Posted by: Skitz at March 25, 2009 4:28 PM

"Put the bunny back in the box!"

"I'm not supposed to be here today!"

"You're going to have to trust me"

"Jesus Saves!!1"

Posted by: annoyingmouse at March 25, 2009 4:28 PM

and only three days until I retire

Posted by: branded at March 25, 2009 4:30 PM

This one is more frequently commited by movie trailers, but I've heard it in TV shows as well:

Something dramatic/sad/intense/amazing happens... there's a beat of silence (or a dramatic music moment) and a breathy, whispery actor says:

"Oh God."

I swear to God, I've seen it in SO many trailers and TV spots trying to use the drama to hook in viewers. Biggest offenders: Medium, Heroes, most shows on NBC.

Posted by: JBW at March 25, 2009 4:31 PM

It's not what it looks like.

Posted by: branded at March 25, 2009 4:32 PM

"Dammit Jim! I'm a" ....whoops!

Posted by: admin at March 25, 2009 4:37 PM

Required of any show with a space vehicle:

"It'll (she'll) never hold, Captain!"

For non-space vehicle shows:

"We'll never make it!"

Posted by: Cindy at March 25, 2009 4:47 PM

My favorite reality show cliche is the asking of God/Jesus/insert higher power here to help them win. Yes, you idiot, you winning the Amazing Race is the most important thing on his schedule.

Hahaha,yes!

"God wouldn't let this happen..."

"You don't KNOW me!"

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 4:47 PM

Oh, man, and one of the things I hate the MOST about Lost:

Person 1: *question*
Person 2: You don't want to know

YES WE FUCKING DO!

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 4:49 PM

"Oh my god! That is never going to fit!"

Posted by: admin at March 25, 2009 4:53 PM

"We may not like each other (and/or 'You may not like me,' 'I may not like you'), but we have to trust each other (alternatively, 'you have yo trust me')."

...The fuck?

Also a new favorite for any show with pre-teens:

"Mom/Dad, I HATE YOU!" Usually followed by one of these gems, "This is my life," "I'm an adult" (nope, you're 15), "Why can't you just leave me alone!?!?"

Posted by: Kayanne at March 25, 2009 4:57 PM

You've been SERVED!

Posted by: boo at March 25, 2009 4:58 PM

"Oh my god! That is never going to fit!"

"That's what she said!"

[...canned laughter, followed by gunfire and shrieking...]

Posted by: Skitz at March 25, 2009 4:58 PM

"You won't get away with this!" Uhm...yes, yes I will.
"I want a lawyer" This is mostly after the idiot's been in the interrogation room for hours and spilled all the beans.

I don't really mind the cliche lines, I just hate the cliche stories. Like if there are 2 best friends of different sexes, you KNOW they will hook up. ARGH! As a girl with a male best friend, that pisses me off to no end! Or the "ugly" girl who becomes pretty with the magic of taking off her glasses and a hair-straightener.

Posted by: Joker at March 25, 2009 4:59 PM

Who said anything about ____ing?

Posted by: jasper at March 25, 2009 5:00 PM

"we have to go back"

ok well maybe not overused in everything but its WAY over used in LOST.

every time I saw Mr. Fox on Tv all I would hear was "we have to go back kate/jack...

its forever embedded in my brain. every time I hear about something being lost, all i can think is WE HAVE TO GO BACK....

Posted by: sara at March 25, 2009 5:01 PM

I hear you Joker. I would prefer it if they just got it over with in the first episode instead of "building the sexual tension".

Posted by: admin at March 25, 2009 5:02 PM

Officer / Investigator: [....] you are under arrest... (followed by Miranda / Charter rights)

Suspect/ Child molester: but i didnt do anything. this is a BIG misunderstanding...

does anyone claim the "misunderstanding" defence anymore?

Posted by: sara at March 25, 2009 5:04 PM

Who said anything about ____ing?

Canning?

Was there a series about preserves that I was unaware of?

Posted by: admin at March 25, 2009 5:04 PM

"I can't! I just... can't." (eyes shift to the side - look into the middle distance - small sigh)

Posted by: Squeeziee at March 25, 2009 5:07 PM

admin, the worst part is it's usually forced. See Izzie and George as an example...that was fucking terrible.

Oh and I'm sick of the "scientists are socially awkward"-thing. Gag me with a chainsaw indeed.

Posted by: Joker at March 25, 2009 5:15 PM

"I'm very happy, very satisfied with what I've done. It's gotta be one of the best decisions I've made in my life, I tell ya that."

OK, technically this has only been said by one guy -- the Bosley hair replacement douche. But since I watch BBC America every day, he's on my television constantly, and thus the above torturously protracted version of the word "yes" has attained cliche status in the sansho1 household.

More conventionally, "I'm too old for this (beep)."

And, sadly, "Boom goes the dynamite." That one had some serious staying power, though.

Posted by: sansho1 at March 25, 2009 5:21 PM

Cop show criminals: "So what, I'd like to see you prove it!"
ER (RIP) teasers: "This week, one doctor is risking it all."
All Purpose:
"It's not rocket science/brain surgery."
"You don't even know me."

Posted by: Nate at March 25, 2009 5:21 PM

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Posted by: phquaryn at March 25, 2009 5:24 PM

Darn it, sansho1.

Posted by: phquaryn at March 25, 2009 5:26 PM

Ha! Gotcha.

Posted by: sansho1 at March 25, 2009 5:27 PM

Here's an invisible cliche that doubles as a horrible non-joke that really gets on my nerves. Anytime you have two or more characters that are in a situation where one notices that they are about to be in a high speed chase of sorts, the line that leaves the character's mouth to warn the other, 9 times out of 10, is "We've got company." Ergghhh!

Posted by: Adam F. at March 25, 2009 5:28 PM

"Christ, Henry - I never said I wasn't into tentacle-porn and video-taping myself pooping..."

(usually followed by the "Jumped The Shark" baby who's aged rapidly over the past two seasons strolling in and saying "You did not just go there...")

[...canned laughter, followed by loud barking and glass breaking...]

Posted by: Skitz at March 25, 2009 5:30 PM

Ever since _____, he doesn't ____ anymore.

Posted by: Stew at March 25, 2009 5:32 PM

Mad libs are my favorite.

Ever since Labor Day, he doesn't wear white pants anymore.

Posted by: admin at March 25, 2009 5:35 PM

Ever since the cougar attack, he doesn't make fondue anymore.

Posted by: Skitz at March 25, 2009 5:37 PM

Used ad nauseum in the Biggest Loser and Idol or any other reality show that 'changes/improves' people is the word 'Journey'

Posted by: caity at March 25, 2009 5:37 PM

In every medical show:

"Please, doctor, tell me he's gonna be alright. Please tell me!"

"We're doing everything we can."

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 5:42 PM

I just realized that maybe, just maybe, I watch way too much TV.

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 5:44 PM

"Next week on the MOST EXPLOSIVE HELL"S KITCHEN YET!"

Posted by: MG at March 25, 2009 5:45 PM

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto..."

Posted by: Alexandra at March 25, 2009 5:51 PM

What the hell is this "boom goes the dynamite" crap? I have never heard that before in my life, and it's showed up here twice in the last week.

Anyway, I came back to add, "Bring it!" or any iteration thereof.

However, "It's already been broughten" is still acceptable, on occasion, provided it is spoken ONLY by Jamie Pressly.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at March 25, 2009 5:51 PM

"JUST HOLD ME!"

I must have heard this 10 times a day when I used to watch soap operas back in college instead of going to class.

Guys HATE this line in real life.
Yes ladies, it's a pickup line that you use on men to get them to hug you.
What you can't see is the huge eye roll they do behind your back.

Posted by: BWeaves at March 25, 2009 5:55 PM

Two hours and no one's protested that it's "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw". Just had to leave it to me, huh?

Posted by: Jay at March 25, 2009 5:57 PM

'You're the only one who can ****'
'What if I'm just not strong enough?!'

'I need this!!', usually hissed angrily at a doubtful partner/friend/coach to an athlete/doctor/competitor in some form of competition who believes succeeding will correct all other faults and flaws in their life

In continuation of Figgy's medical show ref;

Small, big eyed child to surly, hard hearted doctor, about dying parent 'Is mommy/daddy okay?'

Or if the parent is dead 'is mommy/daddy sleeping/in heaven/coming home now?'

'are you/we going to be okay?'
'I dont know...I just...dont know'

Can you count any needlessly long and detailed exposition given when the writers/producers assume the audience are unbelievably retarted and need literally every single detail to be painted in bright colours on large canvases?
Cos that shit is pretty fucking cliche.


In the event of large disasters/medical emergencys which require the mass evacuation or abandonment or large scale death (in order to stop the spread of a virus)of lots of people 'Damn it those are people in there!!'

or alternatively 'we're talking about a childs LIFE here!'

'i was so scared/angry that i was going to be a mother. I thought I couldn't handle it/would kill the baby...but then they put him/her/you in my arms for the first time *sniffle* and I looked into his/her/your eyes....and I knew I could never love anyone more....*weep, embrace child or in the case of missing child, look sadly out of the window'

'dont give me excuses, I need ANSWERS!!'
I could do this all night

Posted by: nadine at March 25, 2009 5:57 PM

Guys HATE this line in real life.

I don't need to be tricked into hugging women. I really like to. Hell, I'd like to right now. And they never say that to me.

Posted by: Jay at March 25, 2009 5:59 PM

Oh! I love these! Lurk over.

"We can't do this without you!!"
"I thought we were friennnnnds!"
"My mother always used to say..."

Posted by: aliceontheinternet at March 25, 2009 6:00 PM

"Mom/Dad, I HATE YOU!" Usually followed by one of these gems, "This is my life," "I'm an adult" (nope, you're 15), "Why can't you just leave me alone!?!?"

Oh you're sick of these? Really? You might think that you're sick of these but just wait until you actually have a 17 year old who has screeched each of these so many times that they have become embedded in the drywall. Cup your hand against a wall in my house and you can hear these in the static like listening to a sea shell.

Whew. Clearly had some bottled up tension there.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at March 25, 2009 6:04 PM

I mean really, now I'm just deducing that I'm all kinds of undesirable. First the sop given to Leia on that list, then the cult movies that aren't cult movies...then this...hugs requiring a pickup line on other guys.

I'm too sober for this shit. See you in hell!

Posted by: Jay at March 25, 2009 6:06 PM

"That's so (quirky reference to outdated-ness)!"

Posted by: celery at March 25, 2009 6:07 PM

"I have a bad feeling about this," but only if you're writing the next Star Wars sequel.

Posted by: BWeaves at March 25, 2009 6:09 PM

Steven...are you...are you feeling better now?

You can rant here any time man

Posted by: nadine at March 25, 2009 6:10 PM

'Everybody's dead, ________'

Instead of a profound moment, I'm left reminiscing about Red Dwarf and the awesome 'Everybody's dead Dave' sequence.

Posted by: getduffed at March 25, 2009 6:11 PM

Jay, you're gay. Real men hate that line, because it's not foreplay. It's anti-foreplay, usually followed by crying and talking about the guy they really want to be with instead of you.

Posted by: BWeaves at March 25, 2009 6:12 PM

Oh! Got one, when an otherwise surly and authorative type is forced to show kindness to a child, after the inevatible moment when the kid holds out their tiny hand to be held and after a moments hesitation, Gruff McDamagedCop takes the hand then plays a cute little game or what ever with the traumatised(always they're traumatised) child, a co worker, looking in with soft, warm, kindly eyes 'You're good at that'

Or any variation therein 'that suits you'
'You have a gift!'

Also the the moment when said gruff type reveals they totally know sign language which is CONVENIENT since their only witness/patient/sassy new employee who will never be seen again is DEAF.
And the TV cliche that deaf folks are SUPER pissed with hearing folks for some reason

Posted by: Nadine at March 25, 2009 6:16 PM

I agree with the "My mother always used to say..." thing but one of the funniest things I've ever seen on TV was an award show sometime in the late 80's giving some kind of achievement award to Bob Dylan.
He stood up and said this:
"Well, it's like my Daddy always used to say...."

and then there was I SWEAR TO GOD a good 3-5 minutes of horribly awkward silence.

"Well, he said so many things."
and sat down.

Good times! (which is my contribution to the hackneyed lines)

Posted by: king at March 25, 2009 6:20 PM

Heeey, just cause that's how you do it...

Of course I've spent time hearing about the other guy. I'm a Wedding Present fan after all. Generally involves more awkward distance though, rather than touching.

But masculinity jibes at me? I thought you knew me better than that.

Posted by: Jay at March 25, 2009 6:22 PM

And the winner for Mega Excuse That Excuses Everything You Do But Really Doesn't:

"This is just WHO I AM."

Sometimes followed by:

"If you can't deal with it, too bad!"
"For better or for worse!"
"I can't change"

Etc.

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 6:34 PM

^"If you really loved me, you would know that!"

Posted by: figgy at March 25, 2009 6:37 PM

Whereas "Waxwork" had the better suffix with "Dig it or fuck off".

Posted by: Jay at March 25, 2009 6:37 PM

Steven...

I'm sorry.

*sees visions of the much distant future and weeps*

Posted by: Kayanne at March 25, 2009 6:37 PM

I second the comment that cliched stories are worse than cliched lines. Like, say, a powerful woman who has everything.....except a man. Or a powerful man who seemingly can do anything....but can he LOVE?

For lines:
Two lovers stare into each others eyes and the lady says:
"I just...I just don't know if that's enough."
the dude looks up and scrunches up his face to show that he's acting
"It's gonna have to be"

also "this is worse than that time ____________"
family guy absolutely ruined that but it was pretty well-worn territory even before.

and when a character explains their crazy behavior towards the one they love by stating "I love/care too much" if anyone says that to you in real life, run the fuck away.

Posted by: Billowing Backpacks at March 25, 2009 6:38 PM

"this is worse than that time ____________"

family guy absolutely ruined that

But Lionel "Kup" Stander owwwwned it.

Huh? Huh? Don't leave me hangin here!

Posted by: Jay at March 25, 2009 6:41 PM

HA. Nicely done, sir

Posted by: Billowing Backpacks at March 25, 2009 6:43 PM

"You're making a big mistake."

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 25, 2009 6:45 PM

the dude looks up and scrunches up his face to show that he's acting

HA! Billowing Backpacks, seriously, when did have an itchy nose equal thespian?

Posted by: Kayanne at March 25, 2009 6:45 PM

An exchange between Juliet and Sawyer in the eighth episode of Lost this season (LaFleur) made me cringe even as I mimed the words along with Sawyer. Is it just me, or does he get some real cliches?

on how long to wait for John Locke to rise again...
Juliet: For how long?
Sawyer: As long as it takes.

Posted by: Kelly at March 25, 2009 6:53 PM

sounded a little pitchy, dawg.

Posted by: gp at March 25, 2009 7:04 PM

Anything ever said by Horatio Kane

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at March 25, 2009 7:09 PM

I've just gotta say, who gives a fuck what Sawyer says? Eye candy.

Posted by: Cindy at March 25, 2009 7:10 PM

This theme is a bit like TV tropes (dot org) though they are careful to distinguish between cliches and tropes. There's plenty of examples of ... well everything. But don't go there, it will suck you in for days of reading.

Posted by: ChrisD at March 25, 2009 7:14 PM

Q: "How long have you been standing there?"
A: "Long enough(... long enough)."

Posted by: TL at March 25, 2009 7:18 PM

two hackneyed scenarios:

#1
"The red wire, the red wire!"

"Wait, do I cut the red wire or do I leave it?

"Just cut it!"

Everyone holds their collective breath, he/she cuts the wire and voila - bomb defused.

#2
Detective/investigator gets a small, blurry, digital picture and asks the techie to "enhance it". a few mouse clicks, and it's a high res, printable image.

(recently seen in Taken when he zooms in on the reflection of the kidnapper, clicks 'process' and there he is, plain as day)

YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!

Posted by: mswas at March 25, 2009 7:34 PM

"There's no way this can get fucked up."

That was funny the first five times Ricky (on Trailer Park Boys) said that.

Posted by: Darcy at March 25, 2009 7:37 PM

He bite me in my vagina! He get so crazy!

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at March 25, 2009 7:37 PM

"I'll never let anything happen to you" / "I promise not to let anything happen to you" (or some variation thereof)

this is also known as Every Heroes Episode Ever Written.

Posted by: kel at March 25, 2009 7:38 PM

Cop Shows: "Well if you didn't kill him/her/them, who did?"

Posted by: Nate at March 25, 2009 7:39 PM

Also, I know this probably doesn't count, but one of my biggest pet peeves is when people add the suffix 'gate' to a word or phrase to indicate a scandal.

Posted by: Nate at March 25, 2009 7:41 PM

"GIMME BACK MY SON!"

Love to help, Beckyloo, but the crew here has pretty much nailed it. And then some.

Posted by: Sean at March 25, 2009 7:50 PM

Ooh, wait.

"I love this job."

Blech.

Posted by: Sean at March 25, 2009 7:51 PM

"Son of a bitch!"

Quickly becoming Sawyer's catchphrase on LOST.

Posted by: grizzle at March 25, 2009 7:55 PM

Hero proposes solution to problem.

Everyone treats hero as if he's insane.

Hero proves to be right.

=

Every episode of "House, M.D."

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 25, 2009 8:16 PM

We could spin off a whole 'nother thread just for soap operas -- the amnesia/coma, the quick and premature declaration of death without a body, the untimely overheard conversation, jumping to the wrong conclusion, any time anyone gets in a car he/she will crash, and, of course, nobody ever learns a damn thing.

Here's a dialogue one:

"We can't call the police. Nobody will believe us."

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 25, 2009 8:30 PM

I have nothing to add, I just wanted to say I am taking notes for the horrifically cheesy scifi-horror movie a la Robot Holocaust that I plan to some day write and film in my garage.

Posted by: s. pisaster at March 25, 2009 8:38 PM

bucdaddy, the whole "we can't call the police argument" always pisses me off.

If there's anything I've learned from COPS is that they're actually pretty level-headed men and women who are willing to listen. And they can normally catch up to crack-heads, which is pretty impressive.

Posted by: Kayanne at March 25, 2009 8:39 PM

When you're done compiling our list of cliches to avoid, it might be fun to see if you can write a script using nothing but those phrases.

Posted by: Lindsay at March 25, 2009 8:46 PM

No no no, Patton Oswalt mapped it all out. The first cop doesn't catch the speeding crackhead, the second cop inadvertently bumps into him!

And they're only being nice cause the camera's on.

Posted by: Jay at March 25, 2009 8:50 PM

Are you sassing COPS!?! Listen, Jay, I love you, like a brother. But if you keep bad-mouthing that show, I'm going to have to cut you out of the family reunion.

Posted by: Kayanne at March 25, 2009 8:59 PM

Were you chasing him? Ohhhhh, thank god....all those fucking forms.....uh...go team!

Posted by: Jay at March 25, 2009 9:04 PM

"This thing is bigger than you/me/either of us/any of us."

"That wasn't part of the plan!"

"Everything is going according to plan."

"You FOOLS! Don't you see what you've DONE?!"

"I love it when a plan comes together."

"I can't live without you!"

Posted by: luthien26 at March 25, 2009 9:10 PM

When there's a body with a knife sticking out of it, the character with the best motive for killing the victim (Character A) will always come along and pull out the bloody knife and stand there looking at it while the character who would most be interested in seeing Character A go to prison for 20 years (Character B) will just happen to come through the door. Character B will, of course, have absolutely no reason for being there other than to see Character A holding the bloody knife.

And the trial starts roughly 30 minutes later. No hearings, no motions, no continuances ...

Jeebus, I gotta get out of the room more while Mrs. Daddy watches her soaps.

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 25, 2009 9:10 PM

Jay

Oh

My

Gawd

I'm deeply ashamed. I've seen "Heathers" at least thirty times. Probably more but I'm too scared to really think about it. I can likely type out the whole thing from memory right now. I blame the drugs. Thank you for pointing it out.

Posted by: Beckylooo at March 25, 2009 9:37 PM

I was just afraid you'd had to watch an Edited For Television version all this time!

Posted by: Jay at March 25, 2009 9:40 PM

Every stupid fucking line ever said on Heroes.

"Next week, on the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER on the Bachelor"

"This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make"

"I'm going in"
"But we have to wait for back-up"
"A child's/man's/woman's life is at risk, I'm not waiting for anything"

Two peolpe have an argument and one of them try to leave
"Wait"
que dramatic silence and close-up of their eyes meeting

Posted by: Margrete at March 25, 2009 9:48 PM

"just when I thought I got you all figured it out..."

Posted by: rio at March 25, 2009 10:01 PM

"CharacterName is world famous as the foremost expert in the field of ______" -- Character is being played by a 23-year-old.

"You can't do this!!"
"Yeah? So, who's going to stop me?"
Cue dramatic entrance of person who's going to stop him.

Any plot point so out of nowhere that you know it's going to be employed at the end of the movie: "Marge, here's that pecan pie recipe you were asking me about he other day. Oh! Did I ever tell you about the automatic weapons training I received during that bake-off in the Gaza Strip?"

Posted by: spazmodeas at March 25, 2009 10:34 PM

L.O.V.E., good call on Horatio Caine,(though I have to admit the absurdity of his dialogues bring me as much pleasure as they do pain) but in particular the following exchange seems to make it into every other episode:

Smarmy Aging Model/villain #1: Am I under arrest here?
Eric: No.
Villain: Well then I'm outta here.
Horatio Our Savior: (pause) Don't go far.

Also, since childhood I've always found these lines so incredibly awkward/disingenuous:

Man: "Maybe when this all blows over we can get a cup of coffee/go out sometime/crash a funeral, whatever."
Woman, with a sad smile: "I'd Like That." (or) "That Would Be Nice."

Posted by: racheee at March 25, 2009 10:44 PM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Posted by: kimmyhula at March 25, 2009 10:45 PM

Oh please, there's just one word:

"Seriously." or "Seriously?" or "SERIOUSLY?!?!?"

Insert inflection wherever.

Posted by: Wooster at March 25, 2009 10:47 PM

I mean seriously, you go into a room and there's a body there with a smoking gun next to it. The first thing you're gonna do is ...

A) Scream and faint.
B) Get the fuck out of the house and call 911.
Or
C) Pick up the gun and gawk at it, making sure to cover it with your fingerprints.

Which of these would any rational, normal human being do who is not a character in a movie or TV show?

I read a story about the actual "Boys Don't Cry" murder, that the rednecks who killed Tina Brandon/Brandon Tina drove to a bridge and threw the gun into the river. Except the river was frozen solid (it was fucking Nebraska in winter), so the cops just walked out on the ice and picked up the gun.

The author was baffled. Under those conditions, why the hell would you throw the murder weapon off a bridge? And concluded the only thing that made sense was: It's because that's what characters on TV shows and in movies always do.

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 25, 2009 11:24 PM

This one makes me want to slap someone everytime I hear it. The worst part is that many people say it in real life.
Person asks a question...
"well I could tell you...but I'd have to kill you"
ugh it's so ridiculous

Posted by: jmurae at March 25, 2009 11:38 PM

girl (to his cocky friend): "you are soo full of yourself"

Posted by: nayen at March 25, 2009 11:44 PM

girl (to his cocky male friend): "you are so full of yourself"

Posted by: nayen at March 25, 2009 11:45 PM

Oh, here's another one I just watched, don't know if it's up there already:

"When were you going to tell me/us?"

"I'm telling you now."

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at March 25, 2009 11:48 PM

"Leave me alone, I'm sleeping".
or
"Not tonight, I have a headache."

You know, like, enough already. Stop saying it all the time.

Posted by: admin at March 25, 2009 11:49 PM

i promise i won`t cum in your mouth...enough said?

Posted by: pasadenamike at March 25, 2009 11:54 PM

The excessive use of the word “people”, particularly in a military or police setting, ala “Lets MOVE people!!!” or the variant "Move like you got a purpose people".

During my brief ST Voyager phase (waiting to see if the early days morphed into anything interesting), I got royally plastered on several occaisions playing the Chakotay “there is a saying among my people” drinking game.

Posted by: Dave Shepherd at March 26, 2009 12:03 AM

Dave, I'm kind of surprised that you lived to talk about it.

Posted by: admin at March 26, 2009 12:11 AM

"No, YOU listen to ME!"

I spend far too much time at that great black hole of TVTropes.org, where this is all sliced and diced and laid out on the slab for us.

Posted by: Corvus at March 26, 2009 12:30 AM

I HATE when dramas use dialogue in which characters are constantly beginning/ending sentences with each others' names. ("Stevens, listen to me." "It's not that simple, Bobby.") It's so unnatural! Pretty much the first thing you learn to do away with when learning how to write dialogue. I watched an episode of Grey's the other day (don't know what possessed me), and they did that in just about every sentence. Made my ears itchy.

Posted by: Pistachio at March 26, 2009 1:42 AM

Cop: we're here about 'victim'

Suspect: Rants about Victim...love, hate, whatever.

Cop: Victim's dead.

Alternatively, in medical-type shows...

Patient/dying person's family: So, is there anything you can do?

Doctor: We can manange the pain/make her comfortable

Tears ensue...

But seriously. My friend broke his finger recently, and was told by doctors that there was nothing to do except manage the pain. He claimed he'd watched enough episodes of Scrubs that he knew that meant he was actually dying.

Posted by: rach at March 26, 2009 3:27 AM

I HATE when dramas use dialogue in which characters are constantly beginning/ending sentences with each others' names.

RICK!!!

Posted by: Jay at March 26, 2009 6:56 AM

"It's never been done before, it's risky...but it just might work!"

Posted by: MrCresosote at March 26, 2009 7:09 AM

"I just wanna say good luck, we are all countin' on you"

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 26, 2009 8:16 AM

'Hey. Why don't you stop ... dressing me like a mailman ... uh, and making me dance for you ... while you go and ... smoke crack in your bedroom ... and have sex with ... some guy ... I don't even know. On my dad's bed.

Posted by: Phil at March 26, 2009 8:28 AM

"IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK!"

"YOU DIDN'T QUIT ON ME, YOU QUIT ON YOURSELF!"

"I'VE MOVED ON!"

"You're the father."

"DAMNIT!"

"NOOOOOOO!"

"KHHHHHHAAAAAANNNNNNN!"

and of course, "That's what she said."

Posted by: Mike R. at March 26, 2009 9:47 AM

Sorry, but I have to jump on the Horatio Cane bandwagon and add the one missing piece: Caruso removes sunglasses, looks constipated.....and then utters ridiculous one sentence pun.

Also, after 8 some-odd seasons maybe someone can pay a writer to come up with something other than:

"You really nailed it tonight, dawg!"
"You really looked so beautiful tonight, honey and you have such great energy" and, of course...
"If I can be completely honest, that was horrible/ghastly/terribly or a karaoke version of X"

Posted by: swingdude at March 26, 2009 9:51 AM

"Give it up! You've got nowhere to go!"

Posted by: Clee Shay at March 26, 2009 10:42 AM

Hold me. Just hold me.

Although after reading the post about Alabama Pink about all I want to do is hold my 3 year old son.

Posted by: Henry at March 26, 2009 10:59 AM

Usually in promos: "It's the event that changes EVERYTHING!"

Which, of course, it rarely does.;)

Posted by: luthien26 at March 26, 2009 10:59 AM

Nearly every promo for "House" uses the word "shocking":

"Tonight, a SHOCKING revelation on House!"

"Tonight, a father's illness reveals a SHOCKING secret!"

"ARE YOU SHOCKED YET? WE HAVE MORE SHOCKING SURPRISES THAT WILL SHOCK YOU! TONIGHT, ON A SHOCKING EPISODE OF 'HOUSE'!"

Enough already.

Posted by: DeadBessie at March 26, 2009 2:44 PM

any time traveling plot that involves
"wherever we are, WHENever we are..." Or "I don't know where we are, I don't even know WHEN we are!"

or any memory loss that involves:
"where am I? WHO am I??"

Thankfully the latter hasn't been used much that I've noticed lately, but thanks to Lost the former has been much more prominent in the past few months.

Oh, and another pet peeve, dialogue that references the movie title. I just made the huge mistake of watching last summer's x-files movie "the x-files: i want to believe" which included mulder telling scully "do i believe? i want to believe." yes, ass, we've all seen your motivational poster.

Posted by: snarla at March 26, 2009 3:52 PM

Surely the old

- How you doing?

- I just__________(did some incredibly crazy shit)____________...how do you think I'm doing?!

Used to irritating effect in this weeks LOST...

Posted by: ADAM at March 26, 2009 9:08 PM

So "Lost" is basically hackneyed crap, yet everyone's always telling me to watch it?

Sheeeeit, I'll stick with better-dressed people deliberately traveling through time and space!

Posted by: Jay at March 26, 2009 9:43 PM

Come on Figgy
From reality shows:

I'm not here to make friends.

If it's said on a reality show IS real. That's how real people talk.
You know better, come on!

Posted by: mario at March 27, 2009 1:32 AM

"This plan of yours had better work [, Nerdlinger]."

"I never stopped believing in you."

"I just wanted you to have the kind of life you deserve."

Posted by: elizabeth at March 27, 2009 9:44 AM

"so you wanna go for dinner sometime?"
"....I´d like that"


who says this evvar!? Id like that? what about "yeah, sounds good /sure/ yes, id love to go for dinner"

"Id like that" sounds like you´re a robot and have no idea what the concept "dinner" is...

phew. been thinking about that for, like, 3 years...

Posted by: krifar at March 27, 2009 11:03 AM

"Just so I've got things straight, we've got [insurmountable circumstance #1], [insurmountable circumstance #2], and [insurmountable circumstance #3]. Did I miss anything?"

*cue explosion*

Posted by: most_impressive at March 27, 2009 4:19 PM

We've got company!

(re: some kind of thug/bad guys you would never invite over.)

Posted by: Elisa at March 27, 2009 7:40 PM