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Everyday, Everyday, Everyday I Write the Book

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (81)

17_overagedsexandthecity_lg.jpg

Today’s comment diversion comes from gp, who made the suggestion in the Time Traveler’s Wife rant thread. It’s appropriate on the very day that we unleashed the Ten Most Heinous Book-to-Screen Bastardizations of Novels. gp suggests that we need a comment diversion where we re-write the endings to movies. Because, as he suggests, “Titanic didn’t have to be so sink-y.”

That should be easy enough among this crowd. And as for my own personal suggestion, I always feel like a zombie apocalypse is a fitting end to nearly any movie. There are never any loose ends. And so, I think that’s an appropriate way to conclude Sex and the City. Mr. Big is infected by a zombie, the entire city of New York is overrun by the undead, and the President (played by Bill Pullman) is forced to drop the bomb on the Big Apple.

It’s the happiest ending anyone could imagine.

Your turn: Pick a movie. Rewrite the ending.









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Comments

First!

Posted by: Twee! at August 17, 2009 9:04 PM

Children of Men - Rather than leaving the ending ambiguous, we follow Miriam onto the boat (which actually IS the med ship) where Theo receives medical attention and survives just as the scientists are able to determine that Miriam was able to get pregnant because of (insert faulty scientific reasoning here, probably involving a protein) and we can make that into a supplement! Humanity is saved. And for good measure, Julian shows up. She wasn't really dead! Some good samaritan came along and took her to a hospital where she recovered.

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at August 17, 2009 9:12 PM


Chief Brody: "We're going to need a bigger boat."

Quint: "I think you're right. Let's go back."

Hooper: "And let's get a better radio, too."

Posted by: Lance at August 17, 2009 9:15 PM

The Philadelphia Story: True to her Bryn Mawr roots, Tracy Lord rejects Kittredge, Mike AND CK Dexter Haven, and gets it on with Liz Imbrie instead.

Stop looking at me like that.

Posted by: ziggy at August 17, 2009 9:19 PM

Ducky and Andie 4EVA.
~

Posted by: Meander at August 17, 2009 9:20 PM

1. Little Shop of Horrors (the musical version) - keeps the original ending where the plant eats Audrey and Seymour and takes over the world.
2. A.I. - ends with the little robot boy underwater begging the blue fairy to make him a real boy, no benevolent aliens. WTF was that, anyway?

I'm sure I'll think of more

Posted by: s. pisaster at August 17, 2009 9:22 PM

Ziggy WINS.

Rhett doesn't leave at the end of Gone With the Wind. He takes Scarlett up the stairs, fucks her senseless, gets her pregnant, THEN leaves and shacks up with Prissy.

Posted by: figgy at August 17, 2009 9:23 PM

s. pisaster >> They weren't aliens. They were mecha.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 17, 2009 9:25 PM

Blair Witch Project:
"Thank goodness I brought my GPS, lookee here, the car is that-a-way!"

Fin

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at August 17, 2009 9:26 PM

Every Single James Bond Movie: Instead of the evil super-villain using some contrived and overly complicated scheme to kill Bond (usually involving borderline insanity and throwing lots of money about), he just shoots Bond in the head with a small-caliber pistol. Point-blank. End of Bond, end of hope for the world, end of all the bad guy's problems involving laser astronauts or octopus cults or whatever the plot variant is for that movie. Is that really so difficult?

Posted by: Amanda at August 17, 2009 9:27 PM

And on the Sex and the City note. Big realizes Carrie is a brainless, whiny shrew and leaves her forever, telling her he is gay because it's the only thing that will work.

Samantha dies from syphilis, and Charlotte and Miranda realize that life is too damn short to be spent around the brainless, whiny shrew that is Carrie, and they leave town for upstate New York. Carrie, brainless, whiny shrew that she is, doesn't want to move to the "country", so is left alone, single and without a job, because everyone will suddenly realize she can't write to save her life and that she is indeed nothing but a brainless, whiny shrew.

If we want to go gorey, she'll choke on a Blahnik stilleto.

Posted by: figgy at August 17, 2009 9:28 PM


Ian McEwen re-writes Star Wars:

Luke and Leia realize they are brother and sister, but still decide to knock boots. They must hide their forbidden love. Luke steals the frozen Solo - who has a man-crush on straw-haired Luke - and installs it in the ceiling over the bed that he and Leia share. In the final scene, as la famille Skywalker sweats it up, two tons of frozen Solo halt the proceedings. Fur-evah. Solo can be heard weeping as the credits roll.

Posted by: Lance at August 17, 2009 9:34 PM

Ducky and Andie Iona 4EVA.

There. Fixed that for you, Meander.

...What? He totally needed an older woman.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 17, 2009 9:36 PM

The Sandlot: That dog turns out to be EXACTLY as scary as those boys thought it was.

"You're... killin'... me... Smalls... uggghhh"

and scene.

Posted by: ziggy at August 17, 2009 9:36 PM

...What? He totally needed an older woman.

Well, I can see your point. Heh.
~

Posted by: Meander at August 17, 2009 9:38 PM

The Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis isn't dead - Haley Joel Osment is just cah-RA-zy.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 17, 2009 9:38 PM

Marley and Me

The dog dies.

THEN RETURNS AS A ZOMBIE.

Posted by: figgy at August 17, 2009 9:41 PM

Lance, I think I love you.

Posted by: Cindy at August 17, 2009 9:42 PM

Bambi

When Bambi is standing there looking all awesome buck at the end of the movie a hunter shoots him, and mounts his head on a wall.

Posted by: Deistbrawler at August 17, 2009 9:46 PM

Star Trek: "Cadet Kirk! Thanks for saving the galaxy. Here's the command for your new ship...

...in ten years, after you've served on some other ships!"
~

Posted by: Meander at August 17, 2009 9:47 PM

Star Trek (2009)

Leonard Nimoy Spock wakes up, farts softly, and goes back to sleep...giggling.

Posted by: laredo at August 17, 2009 9:49 PM

The Perfect Storm (directed by Michael Bay): The Andrea Gail decides to make a run back to shore instead of waiting out the storm, but is met along the way by the Titanic, which had continued sailing after gp told it to be less sink-y. They both transform into gigantic robots in a violent explosion of fish and luggage. The rest of the movie is a combination of incredibly complicated and confusing fight scenes and Megan Fox running in slow-motion.

Posted by: Amanda at August 17, 2009 9:52 PM

Disney's Little Mermaid controversially DOES NOT CHANGE THE FREAKING ENDING and the mermaid actually does not get the guy and does actually turn into an angel or whatever for not killing him and the new wife. If it was good enough for Hans Christian Andersen and Shelley Duvall, then goddamnit it's good enough for Ariel and her purple seashells of ambiguity.

Is it a little too meta or whatever if my ending change is just reversing someone else's ending change? Or do I get bonus points because of the evil corporation that McDisney has become? I CAN'T TELL.

Posted by: Nat at August 17, 2009 9:55 PM

Pretty much every horror movie I've ever seen:

People face the unknown and react intelligently, have a good time, and go home.

Monster/Killer sits alone in the corner - rocking himself slowly and gently weeping...except not really, because he's dead and not coming back. Ever. because he's dead.

Posted by: laredo at August 17, 2009 9:58 PM

Planes, Trains and Automobiles: After Neal finds Del sitting alone and invites him home for Thanksgiving dinner, they let Del sleep over. Trouble is, Del doesn't want to leave. He begs Neal to hire him as a gardener/handyman, and of course Neal doesn't have the heart to turn him away. Days and weeks go by, and it becomes obvious Del has no talent for his job, but he's so darned likeable that the family continues to keep him around.
One night Neal's wife Susan wakes from a deep sleep to discover her husband missing from bed. She tiptoes down the hall toward a light eminating from under the guest room door. She hears odd giggling and a couple of snorts. Fighting feelings of guilt, Susan slowly opens the door slightly to peek through the crack. Her worst fears are confirmed when she's confronted with the sight of Del and Neal together in the bed, seemingly drunk and reading a Curious George book aloud.

Posted by: Cindy at August 17, 2009 10:03 PM

Jeepers Creepers: instead of the monster taking the boy instead of the girl (surprise!), it takes the fortune teller who said that they'd die when they heard that song. The next day the boy and the girl are driving home and as they enter an intersection, that song comes on the radio. BAM! An eighteen wheeler runs the red light and kills them.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at August 17, 2009 10:05 PM

Demon Seed:

Epilogue...Years after giving birth to Proteus' love child/Rubick's snake baby, robot rape victim/housewife Susan (Julie Christie) is now dancing for factory robots at a strip club called Camshafts. As a wink to the fans, robot wheelchair/mechanical arm Joshua croons "Give it up for Crystal" from behind the DJ stand as the screen slowly fades to black. Tear.

Posted by: laredo at August 17, 2009 10:09 PM


Oh, Cindy! What happens next? Is it like a Vicky Cristina Barcelona thingy? Or does it get dark?

Posted by: Lance at August 17, 2009 10:12 PM

Boogie Nights

At the end of the movie there is a scene in which Burt Reynolds’ character comes into Dirk Diggler’s dressing room and gives me a pep talk to get him ready for his final scene. But in my movie I’m Dirk Diggler and BSlim walks into my dressing room and gives me a pep talk so I’ll go out and do an orgy with the women of pajiba.

P.S. Figgy is Rollergirl

Posted by: Guess Who! at August 17, 2009 10:15 PM

The Family Stone:

Sarah Jessica Parker realizes (during the ridiculous chase sequence) that while she's a bitchy, uptight shrew, she's nowhere near as horrible as the wannabe Liberal pricks she's marrying into.

So one night, some mysterious "evidence" turns up linking the Stone family to the mafia, as well as some shady business dealings. Finally glad to have a reason to get rid of them, the town runs the Stone family out with pitchforks and torches, relishing the screams of Sybil (Diane Keaton) and her hellish daughter Amy (Rachel McAdams).

Not very sophisticated, I know. But that movie just pisses me off.

Posted by: Brie at August 17, 2009 10:18 PM

What happens next?

Fade to black. You've got to let your imagination roam.

Posted by: Cindy at August 17, 2009 10:24 PM

Ever since I walked out of the theater, I have held that Garden State should have ended with the Zach Braff character dying in a plane crash. As it takes off, the audience realizes the footage of the turbulence with Braff staring blankly that seemed to be from his trip there is actually from his trip back, making the whole movie actually a reflection of his trip and the chances he missed.

There was a brief moment where I thought this was the case while I watched it, and I was impressed that he was going with such a dark (if kind of pseudo-profound) ending. Instead, he lept off the plane, ran to Natalie Portman, and mumbled some crap about not knowing much about anything but wanting to be with her (well... duh). Total waste.

Posted by: Leff at August 17, 2009 10:26 PM

The Prince and Me
Instead of running away in a gag-inducing butterfly metaphor, Julia Stiles discusses future plans in a mature manner with her prince like the A-student she is. Once she realizes that there are plenty of freaking med schools in Europe, and that being royalty gives her a good platform for humanitarian work, she no longer pouts around the palace. Then they roast marshmallows and make out over the flames of her ugly-ass ball gown.

Posted by: Empress of All the Russias at August 17, 2009 10:31 PM

wait, what?
i said that?
i did not!

(SHENANIGANS)

Posted by: gp at August 17, 2009 10:31 PM

X:Men: The Last Stand

Jean Grey didn't kill Cyclops or the Professor, and didn't die at Logan's hand. The whole thing was just a gigantic mindf*ck of an illusion created by Mastermind aka Jason Wyngarde because the Hellfire Club wanted to tear the X-Men apart to get to Jean.

Look, anything's better than the movie, right???

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 17, 2009 10:40 PM

The Phantom Menace: Yoda jumps up and slaps the bejeezus out of Qui-Gonn, reminding him who's in charge, and they lock the little freak Anakin up in carbonite. Palpatine has his ass tore open by Mace Windu like he was supposed to be, and the Sith fail to take over the Republic. Amidala gets over her whiny man-child fetish and instead develops a harem with her body doubles.

Serious answer: Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith should have been condensed into one movie, the end of which would be the reveal of Classic Vader. The third film, still called Revenge Of The Sith, would feature the Jedi Purge and part of the storyline from The Force Unleashed, ending with Obi-Wan with graying hair fending off Dark Jedi seeking out the force-strong child Luke. If not that, then at least introducing Mara Jade to the canon.

Push: Midway through the climax, all of a sudden, it cuts to Akira. It does not change back.

Titanic: The title shot, followed by the credits.

Hancock: Stay focused on the tone of the first half and save the metaphysical "gods or angels" for another damn movie.

Bound: Just more Tilly/Gershon sexin'.

Posted by: Vermillion at August 17, 2009 10:41 PM

se7en: the box contains a welcome card to "coffees of the world" and first month's selection.

king kong: ape lands on feet, smooshing hundreds, walks away, toward new jersey.

beetlejuice: adam maitland is bad at math, lydia deetz fails test, is held back a year.


Posted by: gp at August 17, 2009 10:50 PM

Luke and Leia realize they are brother and sister, but still decide to knock boots. They must hide their forbidden love.

Mmm, the unholy union of Star Wars and Flowers in the Attic. Couldn't be worse than what happened in Revenge of the Sith.

Posted by: appwitch at August 17, 2009 10:50 PM

Requiem for a Dream:

Jared Leto and Marlon Wayans' plans go well for them. They make money off of their scheme and when they have enough money, they quit while they are ahead to enjoy the fruits of their labor. Leto and Jennifer Connelly decide to have a family.

In a climactic scene, Ellen Burstyn and Jared Leto hold hands as they watch Jennifer Connelly give birth to a beautiful black baby boy. Leto has an epiphany and suddenly knows his friend has been mowing his lawn (something that, according to the look in Jennifer Connelly and Ellen Burstyn's eyes, tells the audience that he was the only one who didn't know). Leto runs off, goes emo, starts a shitty band and then everyone forgets who he is.

The baby is, of course, addicted to heroin. Social services immediately takes custody of the child for the interim, until it is ultimately decided through the court process that the baby's biological father is the appropriate guardian. Marlon Wayans is forever plagued by a retarded, constantly annoying, smack-addicted child who invades every corner of his life: from indie movies to KTLA.

Posted by: Darcy M. at August 17, 2009 10:54 PM

Gone With the Wind:
"I love you, lets re-marry!"

Sorry, had to be the first to throw that Simpsons reference in the ring.

I think every movie should end with a 1960s style dance party where everyone flails their arms and gets down to Incense and Peppermints.
Zombies are good too though. How about a 60s style dance party with zombies?

Posted by: Kurdt at August 17, 2009 11:13 PM

Weird Science - wouldn't it have been cool of the dorks got it on just a little bit with Kelly LeBrock? Like, a quick shot right after the 'What do you little perverts wanna do first?' question of them staggering out of a dry-icey room with swollen lips and cross eyed and happy?

I felt they missed an obvious perk, there.

Posted by: replica at August 17, 2009 11:16 PM

If there's any zombie dog that's gonna come back brain-eating style, it has to be Old Yeller. They've should've known better and shot it in the head.

"You crazy, wonderful doAHHHHH RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ARLISS!!"

Posted by: branded at August 17, 2009 11:28 PM

Trainspotting: Diane nicks the money.

Posted by: ziggy at August 17, 2009 11:31 PM

Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Carrie (Andie Mc.) shows up at Charles (Hugh)front door and is hit by a bolt of lightning.

Posted by: richmac at August 17, 2009 11:32 PM

I think every movie should end with a 1960s style dance party where everyone flails their arms and gets down to Incense and Peppermints.
---
Dammit to hell, that was EXACTLY my ending for "Faces of Death." Guess I'll have to go with Busby Berkeley instead.

And now we have to try to keep figgy and ziggy straight, as if Sarina/Sabrina/SaBrina/Stabbyna weren't enough. Even more confusing, they're both on a roll.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 17, 2009 11:32 PM

, (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy), it's simple: I dunno about figgy, but I am THE sexiest alien of all time. Blood-red hair and crazy makeup. It's awesome. Also there's coke.

I'm more worried about stardust savant knifing me, so she can keep her Biggest Bowie Fan trophy safe and sound...

(People are suddenly saying such nice things! I'm blushing under all this kabuki facepaint.)

Posted by: ziggy at August 17, 2009 11:37 PM

as peter *just said* on family guy:

"no, jake ryan, not like this."

Posted by: gp at August 17, 2009 11:38 PM

Leff:
I think the whole movie Garden State is that flashback. It makes it much more bearable for me to imagine that Zach Braff dies. Bearable in a giggly way.
It's also why my girlfriend can't watch Scrubs anymore. I always insist on watching the depressing episodes where the nice patients and relatives die...and giggling through them.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at August 17, 2009 11:59 PM

I would've changed the end of Juno. Instead She gets an abortion. (and starts a blog about it)

Posted by: Brian at August 18, 2009 12:17 AM

The end of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull is actually Saleh having a fever dream about his old friends Indy and Marion. In reality, they died 10 years earlier, childless (no Shia Labeouf)and there is no such thing as aliens, hiding in a refrigerator to save you from an atomic bomb and crazy ass Russians played by Cate Blanchett.

Well, there can be crazy ass Russians played by Cate Blanchett, that amuses me.

Posted by: Rubble44 at August 18, 2009 12:26 AM

It's 2000. George Lucas has a stroke and is unable to write or direct any more movies.

Roswell becomes popular and it goes on for 14 years, A costar, Katherine Heigl, wants to try other things, but she is in an ironclad contract so she doesn't do any movies or other shows. Since it is on UPN, no one watches it or knows of her except a small group of diehard fans. When the show ends, she does dinner theater in Ft. Lauderdale.

There is a huge earthquake in the Hills, killing 10 teenagers and MTV decides that playing music videos is the best plan of action and decides to show no more reality shows. VH1 follows suit and the nation's IQ goes up 25 points per person.

Al Gore is found to have won in 2000. A car is created that runs on water. Thanks to the Human Genome Project, all of the genes in the human body are segmented and the cure to all diseases are found. World peace is achieved. Interstellar contact is made with other planets and Space travel is possible. Paris Hilton, Ann Coulter and Carrottop are sent on a 100 year mission to the Crab Nebula.

The End

Posted by: Rubble44 at August 18, 2009 12:43 AM

Funny People

During the fight scene towards the end Eric Bana rips off Sandler's arm and threatens to beat him to death with it unless he promises to blow up Happy Madison productions and never make another movie again, unless its Happy Gilmore 2: The Return of Chubs. And the premise has to be that Chubs comes back from the dead as a zombie, new hand and all, and joins the senior circuit.

Then after he gets an answer from Sandler, Bana turns to Apatow and demands that if he goes the dark and heavy route with another movie don't forget to add the funny and think about not pulling a Rob Zombie by casting your family in every movie you make.

Posted by: Dave at August 18, 2009 12:43 AM

I'm sorry, mine wasn't a movie. I've been drinkin'

Posted by: Rubble44 at August 18, 2009 12:49 AM

The end of any romantic-comedy when the inevitable end-of-movie-chase happens, the one chasing just gives up, shrugs his/her shoulders, and walks away mumbling something about it not being worth it. Does it always have to end in an airport/street corner/public place?

And Empress of All the Russias, the butterfly metaphor, oh dear. I always forget that I saw that movie. But yeah, that is a better ending.

Posted by: kelsy at August 18, 2009 1:26 AM

Okay, a serious one. I mean, intended seriously...uh...Interview with a Vampire. NO CRUISE IN A CAR! Weak-ass end to an almost salvageable film (if you are a pre-teen girl).

Posted by: replica at August 18, 2009 2:22 AM

Epic Movie ends as the first reel is pulled out, and then you witness documentary footage of every copy, DVD's, Blu Ray's, Negatives, and Torrents, being burned in a landfill along with everyone involved in production.

Come to think of it, you could end a lot of movies that way, the announcement of the White Chicks sequel reminded me of that.

Posted by: George at August 18, 2009 2:38 AM

No Country for Old Men: Bowl Cut gets decapitated in the concluding car accident. Kids play soccer with head. Roll credits.

Saw: Nobody lives to the end of the movie. (buh-bye, Saws 1-7) Eli Roth becomes born again and joins the Disney team.

Leprechaun: Leprechaun meets Bride of Chucky - they have wretched sex, horribly disfigured children, purchase an Airstream and travel the world.

Departed: Bill Costigan Jr. and Colin stay on the roof of the building on Washington and decide to face off, mano-y-mano, ala Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. Tied wrists, two knives. Epic ending.

Posted by: bombscribe at August 18, 2009 2:46 AM

The Terminator: Just as he is about to climax, Whatever-his-first-name-was Connor pulls out, so John Connor is never conceived. Causation is violated and he suddenly disappears, leaving Sarah in a sticky mess, about which she remembers nothing.

Posted by: Nate at August 18, 2009 4:13 AM

I like Dave's answer, it's got everything I look for in a movie: blood, beating, and an uplifting ending that really makes you think, you know?

1. at the end of Ghost World, they should somehow work in an insane 60's Bollywood-style rock n roll number like the Gumnaam clip at the beginning, featuring Enid. I don't know how they'd do this, and it would probably ruin the final scene or some shit, but you have to make sacrifices for entertainment, people!

2. (serious answer) in Stranger Than Paradise, the ending should make it clear whether and why Willie stayed on the plane for Budapest. I mean, if he went aboard to retrieve Eva and found that she wasn't there, why would he stay himself? This makes no sense to me. Damn you arty movie!

Posted by: igor at August 18, 2009 4:47 AM

Whatever-his-first-name-was Connor pulls out

KYLE REESE!

Sarah was a very liberated woman, she gave her son her last name.

And I can't think of any, everyone here is too funny.

Posted by: Carrie at August 18, 2009 5:09 AM

Wanted: James McAvoy, disgusted with the ugliness of life, uses the Loom of Fate to open a small textile company. Uses curving bullet ability to create incredible woven seams.

Posted by: WestCoastPat at August 18, 2009 5:39 AM

By the tree house, Chris Chambers slowly walks away.

"Not if I see you first!"

Gordie Lachance yells out:

"Don't get involved in other people's fights and stay away from the Viper Room!"

Chris Chambers/River Phoenix live on.

Posted by: Angus at August 18, 2009 6:00 AM

One Hour Photo - remove the last two minutes or so when Robin
Williams character indicates his own history and RUINS a really
great movie by overexplaining it.

Posted by: Henry at August 18, 2009 7:32 AM

Se7en - Perfect ending.

Shakespeare in Love - Ends with someone opening a box that contains Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

Shallow Hal - Ends with Hal opening a box that contains Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

Iron Man - Ends with Tony Stark opening a box that contains Gwyneth Paltrow's head. (This should also be the ending to Iron Man 2)

Posted by: Moose at August 18, 2009 8:01 AM

Battle Royale: "Smile, you're on Candid Camera!"

Posted by: thatstudent at August 18, 2009 8:32 AM

I'm sorry, mine wasn't a movie. I've been drinkin'
Posted by: Rubble44 at August 18, 2009 12:49 AM

Aw, that's ok, Rubble, it's a good ending anyway.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at August 18, 2009 8:38 AM

Transformers - At the end, all the Transformers everywhere in the universe die. Thus, there is no way to have a sequel.

Posted by: Todd at August 18, 2009 9:05 AM

Hey, replica, I'm a post-teen woman, and I love Interview with a Vampire... although, we have established my taste is not in line with the majority of Pajibans... but still!

Posted by: Patty O'Green at August 18, 2009 9:20 AM

Kelsy, you are sooo right. The romantic chase is a dead horse that has been beaten, ground up, and made into glue.

There needs to be a romantic comedy drinking game.
Take a sip:
the heroine is endearingly clumsy
the best friend does something offbeat and quirky
the heroine meets a guy she detests, because we know he's really perfect for her

Long drink:
We see the heroine being a professional go-getter over employed for her age
There is wacky misunderstanding where he kisses another girl/her ex shows up
There is a montage to random pop music
A girl becomes more beautiful just by taking off her glasses

Finish your drink:
When the inevitable public chase happens
When the couple kisses for an applauding audience

Posted by: Empress of All the Russias at August 18, 2009 10:07 AM

I agree wholeheartedly with the comment about Garden State and the plane crash.

I also think that at the end of Minority Report, that it should have been hinted more strongly that the ending after he gets imprisoned is just a prison-dream.

Posted by: Groovekiller at August 18, 2009 10:18 AM

Rachel Getting Married: Since NOTHING actually happens and the film tries to be all artsy and cool, I'd have it end with an actual resolution. I don't quite know what, but at least a little bit of closure so I do not feel as if I wasted two hours watching Anne Hathaway ugly up for an Oscar.

The Breakfast Club: It's the exact same movie, except Ally Sheedy does not get a makeover and Judd Nelson loves her anyway. That way it would be pitch perfect.

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at August 18, 2009 10:19 AM

Grease, 2009 - Danny realises he's gay (which the entire audience spotted in scene one), and dumps Sandy to walk into the sunset with Kenickie. Sandy takes up with Rizzo. The End.

Posted by: Tarn at August 18, 2009 11:05 AM

(500) Days of Summer: On day 500, Tom meets a pregnant Summer on their favorite park bench, pulls a Glock (which he carries for just such an occasion) and pops a cap in her ass. Roll credits.

Posted by: sosumi at August 18, 2009 11:16 AM

Garden State

Mark pushes Large into the quarry, wraps the garbage bag around Sam's head and fucks her against the yellow tractor.

Posted by: Sofía at August 18, 2009 11:21 AM

PS: Sam is into it, 'cause it's totally original.

Posted by: Sofía at August 18, 2009 11:22 AM

Brokeback Mountain: A sweet, sweet zombie/human love scene in front of a beautiful backdrop of fluffy clouds as the closing credits roll over twinkly guitar music.

Posted by: Robert at August 18, 2009 11:34 AM

Waitress: It turns out that not only is Earl a dickhead, he's also an alien. Earl's alien offspring rips through Jenna's bloated belly and peers around the delivery room. But, since he's Mal, Dr. Jim Pomatter is ready for it and quickly draws his six shooter and wastes the ugly little bastard. Jenna makes dead baby pie from the remains and wins the big pie bake-off, which is aired on the Food Network.

Posted by: sosumi at August 18, 2009 11:40 AM

The Iron Giant - The robot dies for real [no regen]

Angels & Demons - Rewrite parts of the whole thing To make this ending make sense. Then the caramel lengua just dies in the helicopter scene.

Posted by: arrrghzi at August 18, 2009 12:03 PM

Sofia, you are demented and brilliant.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 18, 2009 3:03 PM

I want to see a movie in which humanity fails.

In Independence Day, we don't crack the alien shield and they kill all the humans.

In the Day After Tomorrow the whole word is covered in ice, and the only people alive are the astronauts who have no way to land and will eventually run out of food.

In Armageddon the meteor hits Earth and humanity dies out like the dinosaurs.

In Outbreak we don't find a cure for the disease, it spreads outside the town, and everyone dies.

In I Am Legend, it doesn't matter that Will Smith found a cure because their is now way to mass produce/administer it, there is no town of refugees, and all of humanity dies.

Those would have been much better movies.

Posted by: Colyn at August 18, 2009 3:56 PM

Humanity only fails in reality, not in movies.

Posted by: laredo at August 18, 2009 6:22 PM