Pajiba

I would hate to see the above pictured "Nightmare Before Christmas" done in live-action with Owen Wilson as Jack, Reese Witherspoon as Sally, and Tyler Perry as Oogie Boogie (because Tyler Perry has not Soul or soul). Or anything from my childhood with anyone from Grey's Anatomy.

First one that comes to mind is a remake of To Kill a Mockingbird.

-Adapted screenplay by Nora Ephron.
-Directed with no depth and all cheese by Chris Columbus.
-Starring someone devoid of the dignity of Gregory Peck...like Tom Cruise.
-Scout played by Dakota Fanning.

"I am Charlotte Simmons" by Tom Wolfe, adapted by Mr.Wolfe himself along with Paul Haggis, with Jessica Alba in the title role and Jonah Hill in the role of the over-looked "best friend" who just wants to nail her and gets walked all over in the process. Oh, and that Brody Jenner guy I saw once in "The Hills" as the frat boy who deflowers our virtuous title character under the guise of real love.

Jesus wept, but I hated that book SO MUCH, but once I started reading it I couldn't stop. Tom Wolfe's butchering of the experience of being a young woman in college combined with Haggis's emotionally stunted views of... everything would be especially fitting and unholy.

Other than that fake Legend of Zelda trailer that came out yesterday that had me reaching for my noose-tyin' rope? Cause I was whimpering "Oh god, let this be fake.." throughout the entire thing.

"...Any of Terry Pratchett's books, because I love them. With the following horribly miscast cast:..."

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

[holding hands to sides of head]

LALALALALALA...I can't hear you....[sobbing]...please...godtopus, no....

Things Fall Apart directed by Tyler Perry, with a screenplay adapted by Paul Haggis, although Edward Norton would probably say he wrote it. Starring Sinbad.

Actually, no matter who made it, they would likely ruin it.

An adaptatin of the "Thursday Next" books by Jasper Fforde with Lindsey Lohan as Thursday, Colin Farrel as Landen, a score by the guy who scored Ladyhawke and directed by anyone associated with the Movie Movies. Luckily none of those people will have read the books.

Funny how Jerce did Terry Pratchett, I did Neil Gaiman, and we both cast Nicolas Cage in our nightmare cast.

It'll be okay Shadows, this is all just a sick, cruel joke.

I've actually played a fun variation of this game that involves putting a copy of The Royal Tenenbaums on and replacing the pivotal soundtrack moments with truly terrible music.

For instance, if you love the "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard Scene" with Royal and his grandsons, you'll love it even more when "Who Let the Dogs Out?" plays under their antics.

Or better yet, if you ever thought the scene with Margot and Ritchie in the tent seemed dated with the Stones one-two punch in the background, try "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman" by Britney Spears... problem solved.

Some iconic scenes (Margot getting off the bus, "Needle in the Hay") I've actually blocked out what I did to them, it was so scarring... nothing, however, topped replacing Van Morrison over that signature Wes Anderson slow motion ending with "All Star"... words can't describe the mixture of laughter and tears that ensued.

Jack Black playing Mr. Croup

No no no no no no no! Although...I kind of think that Hugo Weaving would make an interesting Vandemar. He has a villainy voice.

Ooh, I have another: An adaptation of my beloved Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal.

-written by Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy
-starring Myers as Joshua and Murphy as Biff, Balthazar, one of the prostitutes, someone fat, and the yak.
-with Jessica Simpson as Mary Magdalene
-directed by Keenen Ivory Wayans

It kind of already happened. My favorite book is "The White Boy Shuffle" by Paul Beatty. Fantastic. Years ago it was bought (but thank God, yet to be made) by Will Smith and (huh?) Ryan Phillipe.

Luckily it's about young men, so Smith can't cast himself, and there are no white men, so Phillippe can't frown his way through it either. I just pray that no one ever decides that this would be a great first vehicle for Soulja Boy...

Thejodester, Singing in the Rain is one of my all-time favorite movies, and your adaptation made me want to set you on fire. Bad. So very very very bad.

Julie ack!!! You thought I was bad. Jessica Simpson as Mary?! *crosses self* Ye be spawned by Satan himself.

Sorry Julie!

I'm close to setting myself on fire for even imagining such an atrocity. Perhaps a complimentary Yuengling at the neighborhood dive bar will be sufficient to make amends?

PissBoy, NOOOOOOO!!! The first commandment should read "thou shalt not movie molest my Calvin and Hobbes."

Perhaps a complimentary Yuengling at the neighborhood dive bar will be sufficient to make amends?

Oh we will, and you're buying :p

A remake of The Wizard of Oz set in present day L.A. and directed by Brett Ratner. Maybe even have the script updated by Diablo Cody.
Dorothy - Lindsey Lohan
Tinman - Owen Wilson
Wicked Witch - Sarah Jessica Parker (hee hee)
The Wizard - Hugh Grant
Cowardly Lion - James Gandolfini
Scarecrow - Matthew Lillard
Flying Monkeys - Olsen Twins

Julie,

At $1 a bottle, I think I can afford to be generous.

Remaking A Clockwork Orange w/ Cillian Murphy as Alex DeLarge. I have a bad feeling that this will be happening in the near future.

It's nothing against Cillian; I love his work and he could probably do a good job...just not that movie. Clockwork is sacred. It doesn't matter who directs it (and that includes the good directors like Christopher Nolan, Scorcese, etc) it wouldn't be the same.

Oh, Hollywood, don't remake A Clockwork Orange. Please! Just leave it alone!

That would be a remake of Caseblanca. With a 50-year-old Madonna in the Ingrid Bergman role.

Huh, I picked source material I hated and choose the director and stars that would only serve to light the bag of shit on fire. Everyone else seems to have picked source material they actually liked and then ruined it with the adapting part. So, take 2:

Catherine Called Birdy, one of my all time favorite childhood books, with Lindsey Lohan as Catherine, Ray Romano as her overbearing father, Zac Efron as her sheep-herding best friend, and Dan Fogler in an extended role as her husband to be. Oh, and add in a subplot about her being secretly in love with the sheep herder. Brilliance!

I need to go lie down now...

At $1 a bottle, I think I can afford to be generous.

That is true...I'm drinking TWENTY then.

A Rita Moreno biopic with J. Lo at the helm...BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE'S THOUGHT OF IT ALREADY

Hee! You know she did.

Let's remake Goonies!! (by me and my work friends, including TheJodester)

-Directed by Michael Bay (I had to throw him in there somewhere)
-Written by whomever the fuck did the live action Cat in the Hat

Starring:
Brand-Chad Michael Murray
Andie-Lindsay Lohan
Mikey-either Cole or Dylan Sprouse
Steph-Paris Hilton
Chunk-the kid from Two and a Half Men
Mouth-Corey Feldman, because sad face
Data-Mickey Rooney
Sloth-the reanimated corpse of Andre the Giant

OK, you asked for it. Here it is, the biggie....

GONE WITH THE WIND

RHETT BUTLER----Tom Cruise

SCARLETT O'HARA----Katie Bot

ASHLEY WILKES----Cuba Gooding, Jr.

MELANIE WILKES---Renee Zellweger

JONAS WILKERSON----Nicolas Cage

MR. O'HARA----Jack Nicholson

MRS. O'HARA----Ellen Barkin

SUELLEN O'HARA---Cameron Diaz

CARREEN O'HARA--Lindsay Lohan

MAMMY---Queen Latifah

PRISSY---Tyler Perry

PORK---Eddie Murphy

BIG SAM---Morgan Freeman

JOHN WILKES---Owen Wilson

INDIA WILKES----Sarah Jessica Parker

My nightmare adaptation is already being realised by *effing* Wes Anderson and his decision to ruin my favourite Roald Dahl book The Fantastic Mr. Fox. George Clooney playing Mr. Fox? Just no.

My "Confederacy of Dunces" amended to add, in the alternative, Zach Braff in a fat suit as Ignatius

Mary - in the category of small mercies, at least it's Wes Anderson. It could be in waaay worse hands...

Dangle McGee: I would watch that, while incredibly drunk and love every goddamned minute of it. Seriously.

Aaaand I'm about to start ranting...

(If you've ever read the series I'm about to describe this could cause some form of stroke so I'm sorry. If you haven't read it: What the fuck is wrong with you? Get on it.)

My hell would be a franchised version of Tad Williams' Otherland books. Of course, they'd have to cut out all the indepth political sub-plots and a few major characters (Paul Jonas? What? He's not important. Oh he forms the entire emotional and moral backbone of the story you say? Well shit. The viewers won't care. And we don't want all that war and nightmare stuff. Very depressing and confusing!) and market it as a virtual reality romp. Best cut out the myriad literary references too - don't want them to go over the audience's head - best replace them with fart jokes. That'll do it.

Renie would be played by Halle Berry (natch) with !Xabbu tackled by one of our up and coming black thespians like.... Tyler Perry! Stunt cast Sharon Stone doing a bad french accent as Martine, Hayley Joel Osmett as Orlando (who cares that he's meant to be black? That osmett kid is waaay more marketable!) and...

*****SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER*******

Lindsay Lohan as Sam because who needs the sheer depth of emotion involved in falling for the best friend you made while pretending to be something you weren't and never being able to tell him when you can have a vacuous coked up whore? I sure don't!

****** END SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER ******

Let's see Nic Cage and his finest overacting as Dread the nuanced and terrifying serial killer (ooh and Jessica Biel could play Dulcie - they had such chemistry in Next, we should recapture that!), Ellen as the gay detective Skuros chasing him (stunt casting! Yey! Also: like they could find the time to find someone actually Greek to play her - that's crazy talk). Cameron Diaz as Olga (cutting out that whole dismal "can't have children, driving motivations for investigating the freaky shit going on" malarky and making her twenty years younger). We'd round out the main cast with Katherine Heigl as Avialle aaaand Sellars played by the irrepressable Jack Nicholson.

Oh yeah and Dakota Motherfucking Fanning as Christabel.

Written by Paul Haggis (of course) and directed by Michael Bay.

I'm sorry, I just made myself weep tears of pure blood and bile. I should probably get that seen to.

"All three wisemen are John Malovich in different costumes, refusing to adapt an accent."

Hahaha that just made me laugh out loud and cringe at the same time.

Oops - it's apparently already becoming a movie? I have to go and curl up into a miserable little ball now.

Oh, and:

AUNT PITTYPAT----Oprah Winfrey

BELLE WATLING----Jennifer Lopez

M. Night will play Bonnie Blue Butler

My nightmare:
The Brothers Karamazov, directed and written by Jeff Wadlow. Starring:

Jason Schwartzman as Ivan Karamazov
Zach Braff as Dmitri Karamazov
Orlando Bloom as Alyosha Karamazov
Scarlet (fucking) Johannsen as Katya
Chevy Chase as Fyodor Karamazov
Amy Winehouse as Stinking Lizaveta
Jessica Biel as Grushenka

Moses.
To take away the pain, I just have to say that were I ever to create my own adaptation of Brothers, Mackenzie Crook would be my first choice for Smerdyakov. I'm going to go die now.

Oh. I know this is my second post, but I have one that would disturb me more than Nightmare.
The Godfather with Gerard Butler as Michael, Vince Vaughn as Sonny, Ed Burns as Fredo, and Dane Cook as Tommy. Kay would be played by Jessica Simpson and Apollonia by Jessica Alba. Cap it off with The Don being played by Clooney. I hate smarmy people, as you can tell. Oh, I also hate overrated "hot chicks."

Vince Vaughn as Sonny - I love it. I like Ed Burns as Fredo only because of what happens to Fredo.

my nightmare is that everyone on pajiba starts being very very mean to each other

*SOB*

I'm sorry I have to desecrate another Chris Moore classic...I can't do anything worse to Lamb. Here's my constant waking nightmare about A Dirty Job.

Written/Adapted by: Ben Stiller
Directed by: Jay Roach

Starring!

Charlie Asher - Ben Stiller
Ray Macy - Owen Wilson
Lily - Scarlett Johanneson
Jane Asher - Jennifer Anniston
Minty Fresh - Damon Wayans
The Emperor - Tom Cruise
Mrs. Korjev - Eddie Murphy
Mrs. Ling - Micheal Myers
Alphonse Rivera - Vince Vaughan
Cassie - Christine Taylor
Macha - Paris Hilton
Nemain - Lindsay Lohan
Babd - Tara Reid

Just try to wrap your brain around that without it exploding.

Just try to wrap your brain around that without it exploding.

:( I can't, Ms. Parker. Damon Wayans as Minty Fresh? That shit is just wrong.

Ms. Parker: You just made the Baby Jesus cry. I hope you're happy. That's just wrong. A Dirty Job was the first Christopher Moore book I read and remains my favourite.

Dangle McGee: Well you've got one guaranteed sale over here. Marvellous stuff. Straight to DVD seems to be your best bet. Just wait - in fifty years' time random indie hipster kids will be scrapping over the final copy in the bargain bin of their local cult DVD-or-whatever-the-kids-are-calling-it-nowerdays store.

Heehee, Julie and Bees Chick, Lamb totally sprung to mind for me, too!

"It'll be a hip young cast...the kids still dig that Zac Efron, don't they? Yeah, he'll be Jesus. And wouldn't Paris Hilton make a great Maggie, that hooker with a heart o' gold? We'll get that cut-up Jonah Hill to play Biff. OH! And Gwen Stefani's backup singers can play the Chinese harem girls! The three wise men? Well, Mike Myers was great as the love guru, and he's VERY versatile..."

*shudder*

Oh, Ms. Parker, that really is atrocious!

Ugh, imagine what they could do to Fluke...fuck... the CGI effects they'd require, it screams Lucasfilms, god help us all... Peter Jackson, if we're "lucky"...*ack*

All right, I got two - the first - which may or may not be in the works (I think it might have been a couple years ago) is "Preacher" (Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon). If memory serves correct, Affleck had his goddamed mitts on it... My friends, I wept blood for a week when I heard that... I think Affleck had the notion of casting James Marsden as Jesse Custer and had that actually happened, there wouldnta been no "Gone, Baby, Gone" or "Enchanted" nods at the Oscars this year, cause those sambatches woulda been attacked by me & my lawnmower...

The other one (which again, may have been in the works at one time or another) is Stephen King's "The Long Walk"... I could so see this greenlit and cast with a bunch of fucking... I dunno, just like... "High School Musical" cast members and Paul Walker and Haley Joel Vomit and Aerosmith title track and just... GAAH, YOU BASTARDS NEED TO LEAVE THESE THINGS WE HOLD PRECIOUS ALONE!! WHY ARE WE EVEN DOING THIS, TAKING THE STUFF WE LOVE AND SAYING HOW IT COULD BE FUCKED UP IN THE MOST CRAPTACULAR WAY IMAGINABLE? YOU KNOW THERE'S SOME SUIT LURKING AROUND HERE, WITH ONE HAND ON HIS BLACKBERRY AND THE OTHER DOWN HIS FRIGGIN' BRITCHES SAYING "Oh, yeah, this shit's gold"...

Imagine a mentally-challenged baby getting punched in the face. Got it? Disturbing, isn't it? That's how I'll feel if someone sharts on my dreams...

Nausea, by John-Paul Sartre

Screenplay written and film directed by Oliver Stone

Cast:

Antoine Roquentin - Keanu Reaves
Anny - Gwyneth Paltrow
The Self-Taught Man - Robin Williams
The Corsican - Al Pacino
Francoise - Cameron Diaz
Madelaine - Scarlet Johansson

These are all too horrific to contemplate. Hollywood can't even adapt other films much less take anything that requires them more than two minutes to read. I haven't been able to watch Atonement since little miss one expression ruined Pride and Prejudice for me. Granted, Jane Austen books are fluff, but they are damn good funny fluff

My own personal hell? They already accomplished that when they tarnished Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe. For future hell, how about Hamlet done with the cast of highschool music. Yeah, how do you like them apples ... "Horatio, dude, like totally my dad died and I am soooo bummed ... "

Genny (also Rusty):

The only way that could be better (worse?) is if Tom Cruise or Nicholas Cage was cast as her uncle George--the one she has a secret crush on.

And I thought no one else ever read Catherine, Called Birdy.

Neverwhere was written as a tv show before it became a book...

either a Confederacy of Dunces written and directed by Haggis, produced by Lorenzo, and starring Mike Myers as Ignatius Tara Reid as Myrna, and Meryl Streep as Irene Reilly.

or
any remake of King Kong...oh, they did that already...my point is made.

Julie - Yes the only thing worse would be if he was too busy they cast Marlon Wayans instead.

MO - Efron as Josh is soooooo wrong its not funny but I could handle Seth Rogan as Biff. I cannot imagine the horror of what they'd do to Fluke...or Practical Demonkeeping.

Alex the Odd - That's what I do...every once and a while I show up in the comments kick the Baby Jesus in the nuts and watch him cry.

Tabula Swift - Fear long and hard you know they'd make it if they felt it'd make money.

My favorite science fiction novel is Samuel R Delany's complex, erotic, time-warped social satire "Dhalgren"; it has been deemed 'unfilmable' by many people, fans & critics alike but I think that someday it would make a great miniseries on Showtime. Preferably directed by a tag team of Todd Haynes and Danny Boyle.

What I would not like to see is this sprawling story turned into a maximum 3-hour epic directed by the likes of Michael Bay or Oliver Stone --- or any other Hollywood hack -- who will surely downplay or outright remove the bisexual love triangle that comprises the book's main characters Kid, Lanya, & Denny, particularly since one of the guys is a 16 year old gang member. I know they definitely would reduce the two main gay characters (Tak and Bunny) to idiotic stereotypes, and pump up the creepy interracial obsessions of June & George.

The cast would probably be:

Keanu Reeves as Kid
Alison Hannigan as Lanya
the blond 'hero' (don't know his name, he played Timothy Bottoms' son) from Van Sant's "Elephant" as Denny (only he'll be a safer 18)
Will Ferrell as Tak
Sean Hayes as Bunny
Mary J Blige as Dragon Lady
Dianne Wiest (in brown-face) as Madame Brown
Jason Lee as John, the annoying hippie
various rappers as various Scorpions (the book's street gang)
Anthony Hopkins as Roger Calkins
Kirsten Dunst as June
Wesley Snipes as George

Oh yeah, and there would be a happy ending (***spoilers if you haven't read the book***)

The skies would clear up, Kid & Lanya would get married, Tak & Bunny would start dating, June & George would finally get together....

gag

Oh no, Mrs. Parker, no!!!! Hands off my Chris Moore!

Other than that, all I can offer is an attempt at movie-izing any of the Sandman Neil Gaiman comics. Other than wanted to try out for Delirium, it would be so, so awful.

favorite of the above was Cam Diaz as Lina Lamont and that perfect quote from Singin' In the Rain. I can actually hear her uttering those lines in that strange fluttery singing voice of hers -- remember her belting out Bacharach in the karoke bar scene of My Best Friend's Wedding?

And I like Cameron Diaz!

Jeremy-hee! Your squees and the subsequent lack of squees made me laugh.

KAY - neverwhere was a fabulous low-budget bbc series before it was a book, the book was based on the show (i haven't heard anything else about it being adapted to screen, and i hope i never will)

does everyone else lamenting the simple thought of an American Gods movie want to pool their money with me, so we can buy the film rights and ensure no movie is ever made?

Goethe's Faust, adapted by and starring Zach Braff (sorry, I love Scrubs, too) as the young Faust who listens to Coldplay and, in a moment of emo-tasticity, decides to make a deal with the devil in order to get back the girl he lost because he couldn't see how good he had it until it was gone. Not to worry - it turns out Satan has a soft spot for the poor girl's aunt, so our man Faust manages to strike a deal to win back his soul - and his ex-girlfriend! Also starring David Caruso as the older Faust (appearing in flash-forwards - non-linear time is deep, y'all), Robin Williams as Mephisto, and Elisha Cuthbert as Gretchen, with a cameo appearance by Raven Simone (in aging make-up - LOLZ!) as Gretchen's greedy, horny aunt Martha. All directed by Michael Bay - natürlich.

Beat that, bitches.

A remake/update of "Duck Soup" with Freedonia and its neighboring nation being thinly veiled allegories for the Palestinian/Israeli conflict.

As Groucho: Casey Affleck (all the one-liners are mumbled)

As Harpo: Vince Vaughn (who I'm sure would somehow manage to be sarcastic even as a whimsical mute)

As Chico: Tyler Perry as Madea (you thought those ethnic Italian jokes were funny the first time? Even better when a black man in a fat woman suit does it)

As Zeppo: Jack Nicholson (Zeppo never gets any lines of real importance so Nicholson would be chewing the scenery harder than ever trying to get people to pay attention to him)

As "that lady with the proper high class accent in every Marx Brothers film": Mary Kate Olsen....also providing her own wardrobe.

Directed by Kevin Smith, who digitally superimposes Silent Bob onto the flag of both nations and forces Casey Affleck to indistinctly mumble something that sounds like "Snoogins."

Reviewed on Pajiba by Dustin Rowles who inexplicably pronounces it a "great fucking film." I have no idea why he would say this, but given that he made such a statement about "Gone Baby Gone" the bar must be set pretty low for such praise.

funtime42 - if that actually goes into development, I'm holding you responsible... And wih all due respect, I'm gonna have to kick you in the hoohah...

I would hate to see Paula by isabel Allende made in english or for that matter anything bye her and garcia marquez...i loathe what they did with house of spirit and love in the time of cholera

"...i loathe what they did with house of spirit..."

NDR, could this possibly be because The House of the Spirits is one of the worst goddamn books in the history of the universe? I haaate that book. HATE. I hate it like I hate coffee and ear infections and itchy jumpers and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and the song Horse With No Name. That book is worse than French silk pie.

A remake of The Wizard of Oz...
Dorothy - Lindsey Lohan
Tinman - Owen Wilson
Wicked Witch - Sarah Jessica Parker (hee hee)
The Wizard - Hugh Grant
Cowardly Lion - James Gandolfini
Scarecrow - Matthew Lillard
Flying Monkeys - Olsen Twins

You, sir or madam, are responsible not only for my not getting any sleep tonight.

You are also responsible for none of my neighbors within a half-mile radius getting any sleep tonight, because I CANT!
STOP!
SCREAMING!

I just hope you are pleased with yourself.

Jerce - you too, have earned yourself a spot on the HOO-HAH KICKAPOO 2008... I've always loved your comments, but sweet bleedin' moses, haven't any of you been listening?!

Somebody... ooh, I dunno who, but somebody here in this thread works for a movie corporation.,, I can feel it deep in my loins (aka - the soft spot in my crotch just left of my cornhole but about 3/16 of an inch behind my left scrote)... Elfrieda is it you? Ms. Parker, oh but you're a sly one aren't you? Very well... I shall grace my noggin' with my trusty tin-foil hat and await the apocolochips (I sooo spelleted that wrong, huh?)...

You randy bastards will be the end of it all...

man, I wish I had some cool way to sign off other than "I'm Melting"... or ... uh, "I'm not Quaid, I'm Houser"... or... fuck it, I'm dunfer...

Elfrieda There's something wrong with you ... that ... that was just too wrong ... I feel my will to live fading ... I ... I can't breath ..

"Elfrieda is it you?"

As a matter of fact . . . we in the industry are already working on a sequel to Faust - Faust: The Sequel . . . Luckily Goethe already wrote it so all we have to do is put a man in a fat woman suit and we have INSTANT BOX OFFICE GOLD. Oh, and the part of Helena will be played by Paris Hilton. We are currently in negotiations with Dane Cook to play the role of Paris (but we have to change the name or else people will get confused b/c of Paris Hilton - duh!) and Ryan Seacrest has been angling for the part of the Homunculus, who is a lovable loser who finally gets his wish of becoming a real boy and losing his virginity at the school dance. I think Goethe would approve, no?

From Gaiman's blog, he doesn't sound too unhappy about the original Neverwhere miniseries, and it predated the book. Also will somebody who is signed up for IMDB Pro tell me what it says about the 2009 Neverwhere casting? Gaiman doesn't seem that averse to movies of his stuff but he does seem to be very closely involved (which isn't bad, but also depends whether you liked Beowulf, I guess). DC and Warner already have rights to some of the Sandman stuff and I think they've been sitting on it for quite a while(yet again, damn you IMDB Pro).

Terry Pratchett, on the other hand, has had several miniseries made of his stuff in the UK, some animated, some not, and now I kind of want to see them (Christoper Lee as the voice of Death? Sean Astin anywhere? a surprising sprinkling of random actors I'm fond of = yay).

SO before you start worrying about either of those two authors, make sure it hasn't already been done, and possibly done well. Of course there's no guarantee that Hollywood wouldn't still do it badly, but I'm less worried about stuff with live authors involved.

That said, my fantasy nightmare already happened -
fucking Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennett.

Hollywood needs to stay away from Jane Austen and let the BBC stick with its hit-and-miss productions. Pride and Prejudice '95 and the Emma with Kate Beckinsale have me rooting for the BBC. Keira (and Gwyneth's Emma) have me rooting against Hwood. Except Clueless, it gets a pass. Also possibly that Emma Thompson one, it's in my queue so I will know soon...

Also... if it ever happens. They better not fuck with Snow Crash.

Ooooh, I know! The Bell Jar! Directed by Uwe Boll! With the Sylvia Plath character played by everyone's favorite dead eyed, baby voiced amateur porn star, Paris Hilton! Because no one can portray the nuances of the human condition quite like Napalm Vagina.

Genny, the goat-herder's name is Perkin. And thank you for that horrible, horrible casting of Catherine called Birdy, for which i do not think I can forgive you. Ever.

Garth Ennis's hellblazer set in america with Keanu Reeves as John Constantine. No..wait..that's already been done.

Even worse: Sandman produced by the buggerlugs that savaged Northern lights and directed by almost anyone. Starring Tom cruise as dream, Li lohan as death, vin diesel as destruction, roseanne barr as despair, p hilton as desire and robin williams as fiddlers green. Rene Z and Calista F would creep in as extra siblings to replace the ones it was felt lower america 'wouldn't relate to'. The entire epic would be compressed into one film and marketed as a blockbusting family comedy.

does no one else strangely adore the idea of the olsens as flying monkeys?

Anne (in reno) the emma thompson adaptation of S&S is pretty fine.

Sarina,

I too think that anyone attempting to make Things Fall Apart into a movie would fail miserably. Worst casting that I can think of:

Director: Tyler Perry
Okonkwo: Cuba Gooding Jr.

The rest of the characters are significantly important, but with those two helming it, the poor thing would crash and burn.

Loving these, in a sick & twisted "I hate Hollywood" kind of way!

Broken Flowers re-made into a quirky romantic comedy (Yesterday's Roses) starring the trangically bland Patrick Dempsey in Bill Murray's role of "Don Johnston".

In order to ensure that all the women are even more unidimensional than Dempsey, the parts will be stereotyped and recast accordingly:
The slut: Cameron Diaz
The Repressed Housewife: Jennifer Lopez
The Dog-whisperer: Anna Faris
The Biker-chick: Posh Spice-Beckham

Naturally, all this baby-talk and past-revisiting will make Patrick re-evaluate his life and his heretofore man-child view of marriage. He will return home (NYC of course!) and propose to the girlfried that left him at the beginning of the movie (played by Hills cross-over and pop sensation Heidi Montaug).

They'll discover that the letter about the son was actually meant for the actor, Don Johnson, and have a good laugh over how it brought them together. Fade to a clip show of the Dempsey/Montag nuptuals. Oh - who is that? It's Dempsey's old loves who have each found true love with one of Dempsey's diverse but equally stereotyped man-tourage. (Respectively, Larry the Cable Guy, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Adam Sandler, Rob Scheider) Everyone dances and sings as Don Johnson appears at the reception and covers "Baby Love" (originally by the Supremes).

And Scene.

Directed by Robert Luketic. Written by the "gifted" writers of "Two and a Half Men".
I predict at least $20mil for the opening weekend.

Rosemary's Baby, directed by Michael Bay

Oh wait...it's already happening. Fuck me.

Let's go with Geek Love, adapted by Sylvestor Stalone, directed by Susan Stroman, done as a CGI epic with motion capture suits. That would be a nightmare, for sure.

OLDBOY
Directed by Robert Zemeckis
Starring Tom Hanks
and Ellen Page
Tom Hanks has been abducted and imprisoned in a room for fifteen years. He makes friends with a lamp and talks to it like its his best friend. One day, he is suddenly released, and meets beautiful chef Ellen Page. While looking for answers for the reason of his long imprisonment, they go through a magical journey of self discovery. He finally forgets about it and they live happily ever after.

Jerce and Alex: I hate you both. If Hollywood rapes either Pratchett's books or the Otherland series, I will have to kill someone. Whether it would be myself or everyone involved in such travesties, I have yet to decide.

How about Black Books: The Movie!

Now you're gettin nasty, Belloq.

Don't go messing with Tamsin's image in my head. I'll give you a Bernard look for that. And who would take Pete Serafinowicz's role? I suppose in a halfway just world they'd give it to Will Arnett, but one probably wouldn't get off that easy.

My Nightmare project:

Zak Penn writing a poignant, but modernly sound adaptation of The Catcher in the Rye. Sent in present day we follow Holden Caulfield (the multi-talented, but all too soon forgotten Jonathan Lipnicki) as he has only 48 hours to track down his brothers killer and clean his name at Pencey Prep. His young sister Phoebe (beautifully portrayed by Dakota Fanning) is caught in the cross hairs. But something is amiss and his older brother D.B. (played by Zach Braff) is all that he seems.

With Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, and Will Ferell lending there voice talents for the "3 Ducks" at the pond, this is sure to be a Sunday afternoon at the cinema for everyone to enjoy.

Written by Zak Penn
Directed by Kevin Costner
Score by Black Eyed Peas, The Shins, and The Jonas Brothers (*who also cameo as the band in the nightclub).

This fall, prepare to Catch the Rye!

Cuno: Noooooo! But... But.. It allows Orlando a life he would have never been able to experience and... and... it's just fabulous. Everyone I try and foist it on to recoils at the size of it, this isn't made any better when they read the back the phrase "What do you mean 'the first volume'?!?!!" seems to feature heavily.

Luckily I have one friend who is a fellow Tad Williams freak. She's wonderfully patient and will willinglly spend hours discussing the evolution of characters between Shadowmarch and their original appearance (under different names) in Memory, Sorrow and Thorn. As if she didn't get enough pointless analysis from her students, like I said, she's patient. I maintain that Tad Williams is probably the best character writer I've come across. OK, now I sound like a fangirl so I'm going to stop.

Dread reamains one of my favourite characters in anything ever though.

Three men in a boat starring those unattractive loud idiots from the American Pie series.

I want to throw up now.

CATCHER IN THE RYE
Slogan: "Fightin' Phonies is No Baloney'
Adapted for the screen by Craig Mazin ("Superhero Movie")
Directed by Michael Bay
Starring Zac Efron as Holden Caulfield
Miley Cyrus as Phoebe
Jonah Hill as Robert Ackley
Sisqo as Ward Stradlater
and
Carson Kressley as Mr. Antolini
with Steve Lawrence & Eydie Gorme as the Lunts.
Featuring a soundtrack by Raven Symone, Kellie Pickler, Lou Bega, Heidi Montag, 2 Live Crew, and a duet of Scott Stapp & Jennifer Lopez

"Cloud Atlas" by David Mitchell adapted for the screen by whatshisname from Napoleon Dynamite, directed by Steven Spielberg starring
Keanu Reeves as Adam Ewing
Kevin Costner as Frobisher
Mischa Barton as Eva
Marlon Brando as Sixsmith
Britney Murphy as Luisa Ray
This guy I had acting class with (who thought he was hot sh*t) as Timothy Cavendish
Annnnd Jeri Ryan as Sonmi-451 and that's enough with the actors... this is terrible.
And the soundtrack done by Andrew Lloyd Webber. God I hate that guy.

Jerry Bruckhiemer presents a Michael Bay film:
REPO MAN
Dane Cook, Will Ferrell, Sienna Miller, Cuba Gooding Jr, Anthony Anderson, Eddie Griffin, Bai Ling and Jon Voight
(PG-13)

Hollywood has stayed away from Guy Gavriel Kay, for the most part....until now.

TIGANA
A film by Michael Bay
Screenplay adapted by (who else?) Paul Haggis

Starring:
JOHN KRASINSKI as Alessan
ZAC EFRON as Devin
ELIZABETH BANKS as Dianora
PARIS HILTON as Catriana
BEN STILLER as Baerd
CUBA GOODING, JR. as Sandre d'Astibar
PATRICK DEMPSEY as Rovigo
HEIDI MONTAG as Alais
SETH GREEN as Scelto
DANE COOK as Alberico
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO as Brandin
and
BJORK as the Riselka

I had this nightmare that 'Pride and Prejudice' was remade starring Kiera Shitely in the role of Elizabeth bennet all flat chest, oversized jaw and hideous acting. Ah well at least it was just a dream....right?

The version with Collin Firth and Jennifer Ehle was perfection how could anyone ever think they could do it better?

What can I say Stanpipe... I can build amazing crap.

Sometimes I wish my browser would behave. Re-typing is horrible. I can't remember half of what I wrote. Sigh.

Anyways, I wanted to warn all the hackney directors and screenwriters out there to STAY AWAY from WHITE TEETH. I need to have a say when they do make a film version of the book.

BBC made a made for tv production with James McAvoy. He had a minor role that he totally owned! I have been in love with him ever since.

I warn u. Stay away!

Word on the Keira Craply Pride and Prejudice and Cirian Hinds as Captain Wentworth.

Some like it Hot

Joe/Josephine: Vince Vaughn
Gerry/Daphne: Ben Stiller
Sugar: Jessica Simpson (thinking they needed someone who could "sing")
Oswald: Robin Williams
Sweet Sue: Wanda Sykes

I think this would kill me.

Oh, of course:

http://www.cracked.com/article_15986_30-things-that-should-never-be-adapted-film.html

Damn!
I can't think of anything that'd actualy bother me in any meaningfull way - I'd enjoy seeing any adaptation of one of my favourites, especialy if it was realy bad and dreadfully miscast!