Pajiba

Sort life out

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Have sex (optional)

I would like not to visit a hospital for some reason for a period of at least one month. Believe it or not this has not been possible for my family in the last several months.

I want to potty train my daughter. I know it will happen eventually, but she's so stubborn and not yet mentally ready that it's driving us crazy. Diapers are expensive, dammit.

I would love to make it to a Pajibacon. Or at the very least, help arrange some sort of 'bacon for we Midwesterners.

I want to be able to pay every bill, every month. This is something we haven't been able to do for a long time, as we just haven't made enough money.

And to tie into the last one, I'd like to get my wife on Social Security disability benefits. Since she's now been diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia, it's possible for her to get that guv'ment cheez. We were talking earlier and she doesn't think she can hold down a job if her pain doesn't improve, so this is a definite must.

I also need to make an effort to improve my health. I don't mean lose a lot of weight or be able to run a marathon or anything like that, but it would be nice if I could walk up the stairs to the apartment (only three flights), and not feel my heart beating so strongly. I need to improve myself, from the inside out.

I'm actually going out tonight for the first time in approximately forever, so that's exciting.

I don't make resolutions in general, but I resolve to tell more people they're not allowed to make talky noises anymore.

Have sex (optional)

With a real life person?! I'm stealing that one.

For me it goes like this:

1. Go back to school.
2. Watch every minute of the World Cup
3. Have sex (optional)

Mdme Larson, I'm with you on answering the phone and not only when my mom calls. My friends are such pests with their phone. On the other hand they dont have to call all the time.

Countdown to 2010 in London, UK- 5 hours to go.

1. Mine is to frigging stop procastinating and just do shit. Time and time I've realised it doesnt get me anywhere.

More willpower 2010.

2. Refrain from buying unecessary gears. I dont need that shoe or that top on the mannequinn in Zara's.

3. Pray and read my bible daily. I need to rebuild my relationship with God.

I think it's pretty hilarious that of all the things I mentioned in this diversion, having a ponytail would apparently be the most out of character for Dustin.

Find Twoo Wuv. In real life. And maybe, just MAYBE convince myself that I deserve to be treated in some manner other than 'like crap'.

I'm going to be more honest and forthright. I just don't think that I'm direct or clear enough when I tell people just how much disdain I have for them.

Oh, and to get in better shape while beating people up.

You mean Dustin doean't have a ponytail? My image of the man is shattered. Shattered I tell you.

"Try not to be such a heinous bitch all the time.

This includes attempting to refrain from the following:
Accusing people of being clinically retarded
Threatening to punch people in the face and/or kill them in the head
Scowling when people tell me nice things
Wishing I was an orphan with no living relatives
Telling people they’re not allowed to make talky noises anymore"

See above, re: "heinous bitch"

I don't know if there's a rehab for this sort of thing. A&E needs to do a show on this.

TK, if you manage to add more hate to your repetoire in the coming year, you will truly be my hero.

I will now add: axe more people in the face to my list of not-resolutions.

1. I will flirt with the guy I like. I might not make him mine, but I will let him know I'm interested. I will not chicken out.
2. I will have Frugal February, which is basically a month of no spending unless my life depends on it. Or the life of the cat or dog, but that goes without saying.
3. If Frugal February is a success, I will repeat it again in October.
4. I'll chose organic and/or locally produced food when possible.
5. I will not give up on the novel I've been ignoring for the past four months.

After years of the "get skinny" and "work out more" and "stop smoking and drinking" resolutions that I NEVER keep more than a month, I've decided that at 33, life should be more simple; therefore, so will my New Years resolution, as boring as it may be:

Only go out to eat for lunch once a week and for dinner twice a week.

It saves me money, calories, and time to maybe squeeze in some of those things like workout, catch up on my reading, send out resumes for a better job, stalk gp and smokin, star in that movie with Jeremy....

Oh my Godtopus, I am the biggest retard of them all. I thought Dustin wrote this column (having just read a resolution of his on the fb). So, I'm reading and reading - all the way to Resolution #4 - thinking all these weird thoughts about Dustin. Gosh, that's so weird that Dustin likes Seven Brides just like Sarina. Dustin wears yoga pants? Do boys really wear yoga pants? Dustin's hair in a ponytail? There must be something odd going on, I'm sure he'll explain by the end of this piece. Oh, beef jerky! That sounds like a boy thing to eat. And finally, when I reach the iCarly comment, a teensy-weensy leetle light bulb flickers in the foggy, cold darkness.

I think my new resolution is not to be so fucking stupid.

Do boys really wear yoga pants? Dustin's hair in a ponytail?

I saw a guy today wearing yoga pants and his hair in a ponytail. So, the answer is yes. Of course, he was in my yoga class...and had apparently borrowed his girlfriend's mat and towel since both were purple with flowers, but still. Yes.

So I wasn't as stupid as I thought?

Most of the dudes in my yoga classes either wear shorts (even in winter) or track pants.

Skitz, I think we should do a Minnesota Pajibacon, at the very least. You, me, branded, and ol' creakypants Larson. Plus any other Minnesotans that want to come that I forgot about. I know you're out there I just don't remember you right now because my brain needs a good bleaching.

Every year I break my new years resolution. But not this year. This year I'm devoted.

This year my only New Years Resolution is to actually keep this year's New Years Resolution.

Pray for me (don't).

1) Go back to therapy
2) Make up with family
3) Be a better person

1. wake myself from this never-ending dream-like reverie before the hours, days and weeks just slip away from me for good...
2. stop being afraid to risk embarrassment
3. get the job I want
4. be the parent I used to be
5. choose better
:)

Kill all Pajibans.

Become the 'Jibachain.

Kill annoying, self-confidence-dashing gremlin who lives in your head.

I love this one. Mind if I borrow it? I won't dent or scratch it. Promise. At least not where it's noticeable.

Well played, skewicide blonde. Well played.

*Lops off skewicide's head with a sword*

One more!

6) Acquire awesome weapon for use in climbing up the ranks of 'Jibachain (maybe a sword made of lightning, or a Hannah Montana backpack).

I like the idea of the Midwest PajibaCon.


My thoughts:
--keeping in touch with friends and family better (actually calling and writing them on a regular basis)
--Do a little bit more work on big projects each day, so they don't overwhelm more.
--Train for the marathon in October and finish the race in under five hours.
--play guitar again. God, I miss making music.

1. Take up kick-boxing (I've been feeling the urge to beat things up lately)
2. Get a postdoc in a top-notch lab
3. Force the Boss to finally publish those papers that have been sitting on his desk forever
4. Procrastinate less
5. Start making those science-y youtube videos I've been planning to do for years
6. More sex would be nice. Ideally regular sex with someone who does not expect it to lead to a relationship.

1. Realize my full vision of a backyard Halloween walk through based on Kate Bush's The Line, The Cross, and The Curve.

2. Put new merchandise on my Etsy at least once a month.

3. Turn my studios, music and art, into functional spaces.

4. Finish editing that Nano and still wind up with a novel, not a novella.*

5. Keep my personal spaces clean and organized so that I'm not watching Hoarders and going "They're not so bad."

6. Nail down that script and score for that musical I've kind of technically had written for three years already, just not actually pieced together into something cohesive. Meaning: the music is written, and the book is written, and the lyrics are written, but in various fragments all throughout the tristate area, real and digital.

7. Learn to relax.

8. Accept that no one will think I'm any less of a person because my blog post/article/review/phone call/e-mail of no major importance isn't sent out at the exact minute I promised. Corollary: stop being so damn neurotic.

9. Keep a regularly blogging schedule that encourages comments and community.

10. Go one year without famewhoring, unless the show is genuinely, absolutely perfect for me. Maybe I'll kick the habit and make a positive contribution to society**.

*Oh, I'm pretty sure I'm failing this one. My first week editing saw the word count drop 10,000 when I became enraged at a plot arc and threw out the notebook containing it. Crazy much?

**Why yes, I do consider having a violent horror story published or a web meme take off as a positive contribution to society. I've very low standards.

1. Get promoted/a raise/more responsibilities.
1a. Know that I'm not really going to get promoted in one year, but still work towards it.
2. Finish reading and reviewing 46 more books.
2a. Make them books I actually want to read.
3. Lose 10 pounds, thereby getting $300 of my gym fees back.
4. Once and for all put a stop to laissez-faire hookups with disrespectful guys.
5. Become a more responsible and knowledgeable money manager.

My New Year's plans will hopefully involve successfully executing #4.

1. Spend more time writing, less time dicking around on the computer.
2. Blog more, which is like writing, but it's public, as opposed to my personal projects I'm working on.
3. Don't get wrapped up in men you are seeing, don't get too dependent, because they've been known to screw up your sanity.
4. Tying into #3, get a boyfriend. Someone who is interesting, smart in many regards, and will embrace my odd movie collection.
5. Read more books, and find more time to do so.

Oh, 6/4a. Have better sex.

Every year my New Year's resolution is to start doing yoga, to relax and de-stress.

This is not as easy as it sounds, as I am a group fitness instructor (weight-lifting, mixed-martial arts and spinning classes 5x/week) and yoga is completely alien to my Type-A personality.

Soooo, this year, my resolution is to get myself and my family the hell out of my small-minded hometown, as far away from my crazy extended family as I can get so I can actually relax and de-stress. I think this resolution will be much more effective and do-able.

Oh yeah, and have more sexy time with Mr Smith.

3. Keep weight lost off (40 pounds, bitches!)

*fistbump* Whaaaat!

TWoP Fan that's awesome! Good luck

I've got:

1. finish cannonball read (@13 so far)
2. be more organized
3. run a LOT more, to get ready for 1/2 marathon on 5/1

Mrs Smith, try Ashtanga yoga.

1. Be nicer.
2. Eat less junk.
3. Watch less junk.
4. Sit up straight.
5. Oh, and I am stealing "Clear off my bed before I go to sleep." (Thanks, Michelle)

I hadn't made a resolution in 6 years, but I made one last night: be more social. Decided by the fact that I didn't bother to make any plans for last night and spent it playing world of warcraft. An extremely boring way to ring in the new year.

These are all things that I say every year. One day they will stick:

1. Make a decision and stop doubting myself.
2. Be more adventurous and try new things.
3. Stick with the yoga/exercise routine for longer than 2 months at a time.
4. Take belly dancing classes.
5. Be as good to myself as I try to be to others.
6. Live more, write more and spend more time with friends.
7. Heal.

1) lose 30 lbs
2) get pregnant after years of trying and heartache
3) stop being so negative

I could gave somany more but liquor and sadness are limiting me.

Well, I fulfilled the top one from last year and I am graduating with a degree in Communication Studies (Although every time I say that, I think of the Simpsons where the star field goal kicker gets hurt and Dr. Hibbert looks at his chart and says:

"At least you can rely on your degree in OH DEAR LORD, Communications?"

"Yes, is joke degree, Lubchenko learn nothing"

This year, I expect the following to happen according to degree of difficulty.

1% - Turn 40. all I have to do is live until August 10th.

5% - touch a boob. Probably happen on the same day. Yay boobies.

20% - get married - we've waited until school is over, now need to get cracking. Depends on what job I can get and how much I can make to pay for said wedding, which leads to....

33% - Find a good job asap.

44% - Win my 3rd. EE. I just have to wait until Figgy is out of town again.

70% - knock up the future Mrs. Rubble44 to be. The guys are strong swimmers so let's see what happens.

83% - knock up a fellow Pajiban instead. I think at a Pajibacon, with the right mixture of alcohol, hotel rooms and the moral turpitude of the Pajibettes, some bad decisions can be made this year. However, it could also lead to....

83.4% - End up in a hotel bathtub in ice, missing a kidney and getting a handwritten note from Skitz or Prisco saying "thanks for the gamblin' money".

99.9% - lose 40 pounds. As i said, turning 40 this year, havent been 200 pounds since I was 25. And I'd like to not wheeze and get tired from typing too fast.

Best of luck to all of you on your goals and Happy New Year.

"When the ball drops" has a whole new meaning for me this year.

Nevertheless, the only thing I have to remember to change is the year I write on the checks.

Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble
When you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror
I get better lookin' each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man
Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble
I'm doin' the best that I can.

Prospero ano!

1. Learn how to sew. Last year I actually fulfilled my New Year's resolution of learning to knit, so I feel pretty confident about this one.

2. Get healthier. I don't mean I necessary am going on any specific diet or am trying to lose some certain amount of weight, but I just want to feel and look healthier so I plan to:
- join a gym (and actually go to 3-5 times a week)
- take my vitamins everyday
- generally eat healthier (no more Pokey Stix at 2 am)
- Cut back my alcohol intake to 3 drinks total per week. (This will have the added benefit of making my wallet healthier as well.)

3. Not put off the actual writing of my Master's paper until the last minute. I already got my deadline extended a full semester, so now I just need to stop being scared that I can't do it, and just write the damn thing.

4. Get better about writing my reviews for Cannonball Read. I am about 6 book reviews behind. I have the books read but like with my master's paper, I just need to buckle down and write the damn things.

I don't usually make resolutions, either, but maybe I should just call them declarations of intent:

1. This year I will have sex at least once with another person. Hopefully, it will be with my boyfriend of five years.
2. I will start the book I have been 'meaning' to write, and it will kick ass.
3. I will master my new job, gain more respect and get a huge raise.
4. I will keep in touch more with old friends and new ones, and not allow my family to ignore me so much.
5. I will lose the 20 lbs that makes me look like a potato when I wear tight clothes.

That is all. That's more than enough for one year, no?

1. Make some money, this originally was gonna be get a job but lets not get ahead of ourselves!

2. Lose weight, work out, blah blah blah-dy blah

3. Be less misanthropy and more friendly because not ALL people suck!!!

4. Since I am now referring to 2009 as the Year of Stupid Ass Decisions I hearby resolve that in 2010, I will sometimes stop, think, and some good fucking choices for once.

1. Be the proper weight for someone my height rather than someone 7'8".

2. Stop licking my steak knife no matter how tasty the BBQ sauce might be.

3a. Take my many scripts and either sell at least one of them, make them into graphic novels or just shoot the damn things myself.

3b. Have the product of one of my scripts be mercilessly savaged on pajiba.com because if I'm gonna have my work shit on, I want it done by people whose opinions I respect (or at least marginally tolerate).

4. Finally convince the wife that our procreating will not bring about the Apocalypse in 2012; that role has already been filed in by someone else who will in typical fashion fail at it miserably.

5. Use my passport for something other than crossing the US/Canada border. Preferably on route to a warm and relaxing vacation as opposed to avoiding questioning.

Merry New Year folks.

ugh double post, bugger.

yay 2010!

Psssst. Lauren.

1. Complete the list of shit you were supposed to do by the end of 2009. Do this before Jan 7. It still counts - 7 Day Rule.

2. You know those extra 10 pounds that's been bothering you? Kick it in the face.

3. Quit doing that thing that you're doing. You know what I mean.

quit smoking.

start smoking again.

gain 15 pounds.

eat more bacon.

1. Write more (start outlining the memoir I plan on writing after I retire about 12 years from now).
2. Masturbate more (it's almost the same as writing, after all, and there is a study showing that frequently rubbing one off can reduce the odds of prostate cancer).
3. Lose weight.
4. Try to avoid losing my temper at the stupidity of my subordinates at work.
5. Try - really hard - to not fuck up this year.

My resolution was to be less of a bitch. Then, barely 2 hours into 2010, I made a stranger cry. True story.

Break an eight minute mile.

Procrastinate less.

Have sex, please god. Hopefully lots.

Figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Figure out what the hell I want to do with my life.

Make a plan.

Beat Super Mario.

Go back to school, and stick with it.

Keep in better touch with friends and family.

Learn how to glide about the room like a lady.

Start a blog/write more.

Lose five pounds.

Get some better friends, I guess. Jerks.

And Happy New Year to everyone! Let's all hope that it's way better than the previous nine. I have already had some encouragement: most notably the Buckeyes beating the Ducks in the Rose Bowl. As an added bonus, the University of Oregon Marching Band embarrassed themselves by wearing leisure suits to perform in the Rose Parade. I couldn't have written it better myself... unless I wrote the score as 55-3 or something. It's cool though.

I have one personal goal for 2010. Sadly, it's the same goal for 2009 that I made zero headway on. I'm not even going to say what it is. I'll go public if I get my act together and actually accomplish something.

Instead I'll post my goal for my band:

In 2010, Cinder Bridge will find its target audience.

Based on feedback from various and sundry listeners, we appeal to people who like Carole King, Billy Joel, Tori Amos, and Janis Joplin. None of whom sound anything like each other. Not sure what to do with that.

1) Break my two-year lurking spell and actually start posting comments on Pajiba...oh hey!

2) Gain back the ten pounds I lost in an awful breakup

3) Get over asshole involved in said breakup, have the sex with some way awesome-r people.

You're a fat chick, aren't ya sarah?

@lainiefig Shoot, I didn't check back and see your comment until now. You can listen to us at myspace.com/cinderbridge.

Now, where can I find your writing? Woody Allen and Stephen King make for an intriguing combination. :)

Uhm... that was quite interesting :)

Uhm... I don't really know what to think... but I have a question I'd like to ask you in private, ideally by email. How can I reach you?

Uhm... I don't really know what to think... but I have a question I'd like to ask you in private, ideally by email. How can I reach you?