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Monster Mashups

By Tater Barley Banks | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (15)



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I like it when we do mashups, cause y’all are a bunch of funny fuckers. It’s been a while since we had a mashups thread, and since I had an idea for one, I figured it was just about time we had one.

Movies, TV shows, books, CDs, what have you: Give us a title, a synopsis and anything else your shriveled, blackened soul would care to add. (PLEASE BE ADVISED: I would expect plot points of some newer movies to be revealed and ridiculed here, because that’s what we do, so the whole thread is a potential spoiler).

They don’t have to be monster related, just because mine is, and just because it’s October, and just because the title of the thread has “monster” in it. That was just my way of getting you to read the damn thing. But if they are, all the better.

OK, I’m going first, of course, because I’m king of the weekend:

“Do The Right One In”

Sal makes a terrible mistake when he invites zombie Radio Raheem into his pizza shop in an effort to patch things up.

Marinara everywhere.

Wait … that’s not marinara.

Cut to last scene:

Mookie, on the subway, lovingly pats the stack of pizza boxes on the seat next to him.

—-

Your turn. Make me laugh. Dammit.


To suggest a diversion idea or leave Tater a fan letter, you can reach him by email.









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Comments

"I Spit on Your Friends and Neighbors"

In this Neil LaBute directed film, three couples reveal their personal sexual proclivities as they explore relationships with and around each other.

Things get gory and violent when a female artist's assistant rejects the inappropriate and aggressive sexual behavior directed toward her. She turns against the others and begins to systematically kill those who have abused her in increasingly violent ways.

Though originally given an NC-17 rating, there is very little actual nudity, sex or violence on screen. The characters talk incessantly though about what they do, have done and are going to do to each other. Most viewers find the descriptions of the characters actions to be repugnant and if you are easily disturbed by spoken accounts of rape and murder, this film is probably not for you.

Posted by: Mrs Smith at October 9, 2010 6:04 PM

Suspirioohoohaahaahaah!

In a school for dancing chimps, a dark secret rests just beneath the banana bowl. A soft, squishy secret that's still like the good bananas, just past its prime. A secret that makes no sense and appears out of nowhere in the last thirty minutes of the film and ruins it.

But until that point, the young wannabe circus performers are brutally tormented by some unidentifiable figure in the shadows. Something dark and scary and not fond of bananas at all.

When Miss Bipsy crashes through the inflatable stained glass cathedral used for revival gigs, the student body is sent into a flurry of feces-flinging action. See the horror of the lion cage chase; gasp in terror at the attack of the trained canaries; shake in anger at the reveal that an ancient bedridden orangutan is running a ring of gorilla witches sacrificing chimps for their dark rites.

Or just walk away when the first Ouija board is tossed through the tire swing and save yourself the mind-numbing frustration of the last reel of this film. No, really. This isn't reverse pyschology. We aren't responsible for the migraines that not even a whole banana boat will fix if you don't walk out at this moment. You've been warned.

Posted by: Robert at October 9, 2010 7:16 PM

BOOOM BANGGG BASSHHH!!! We enter the movie not on one flying meteor destined to kill humanity, but two!

But who is going to save America, most importantly, in a special effects ridden and dramatically awesome way? Not to worry, Bruce Will-do-anything-illis and Shia Labeouf, who may or may not be but definitely is the next Indiana Jones, team up in this action classic to save the world from the meteors, and any remaining Nazis while they're at it.

More meteors, bigger drills, more explosives, and even more broken detonators will be sure to make your summer movie experience blow away.

You will question all special effects after seeing this, and not to mention the loud noises.

Brought to you by a team that could only be formed by the gods themselves. Michael Bay, Steven Spielberg, and George Lucas bring you.............


bash bbyyooo bammm wamm pow piewwweaaaa

"Indiana Jones and the Last Armeggedon"


Posted by: Addison Neville at October 9, 2010 7:20 PM

I'm not doing this. Monster Mash-Ups are not funny and soooooo two years ago.

Posted by: Brett Ruthlessburger at October 9, 2010 7:53 PM

Father of the Bride of Frankenstein

Stanley Banks (Spencer Tracy) cannot deal with the loss of his daughter Katherine (Elizabeth Taylor), who was murdered by the ruthless killer Brett Ruthlessburger two years ago. Desperate in his grief, Stanley spends his life savings investigating the black arts and reanimates Katherine's dead body using various fresh body parts from the morgue. Much to Stanley's surprise, newly reanimated Katherine soon meets The Monster (Boris Karloff) at a Grateful Dead concert and the two are to be married!

Hilarious hijanks ensue until the wedding reception, when the caterer mistakenly serves Bananas Foster Flambé to the bride and groom. The Monster goes insane and just before he pulls the self-destruct lever that all banquet halls have, he says "We belong dead!".

Posted by: TrickyHD at October 9, 2010 8:43 PM

Transformers: The Squeakqual
the most terrifyingly bad movie in history, that it makes hostel look like mary poppins

Posted by: Taylor Kozakar at October 9, 2010 9:39 PM

“Black Centipede Moan”


Ok here goes, I’ll try my best but I’m a little tired and depressed because the fucking Miami Hurricanes are getting their asses handed to them by the Noles. My story begins with a hot young white centipede prancing around town inviting other centipedes to engage in some ass to mouth action, her only problem is that nobody will take her up because she’s known as a diseased hoe-pede, well that’s what the town folk say.


Anyway on the outskirts of town there lives an old black centipede that done seen it all, he’s kinda messed up in the head from all the violence he saw in Nam, by violence I mean ass play. Pedey is what the town folks call him. About once a month Pedey rides into town on his bike to pick up supplies, and every time he goes to the general store he sees hoe-pede walking or crawling, whichever way you want to call it, up and down the street trying to sell her money maker. And Pedey gets more and more angry at hoe-pede for selling herself because Pedey lost his daughter some years back to gang violence.


So Pedey hatches a plan to kidnap hoe-pede and take her to his home and make her his concubine. After Pedey kidnaps her he invites some of his friends from Nam over and gets them drunk and they pass out. When they wake up, to their horror Pedey has made a Human Centipede out of them and hoe-pede.


And for the rest of their lives they are connected ass to mouth to hoe-pede.


Posted by: Pookie at October 9, 2010 11:22 PM

A Nightmare on Wall Street: Money Never Sleep Again.

A group of young Wall Street brokers realize that Freddy Krugerrand is murdering their money when it sleeps.

Posted by: The Mutt at October 10, 2010 11:02 AM

"Texas Chainsaw Mask"

A good-natured boy named Rocky with a hideous, life-threatening deformity is encouraged to become a mass chainsaw murderer by his tough as nails bicker bitch momma in middle of nowhere in West Texas.

Posted by: EJ at October 10, 2010 12:56 PM

Pookie wins.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at October 10, 2010 1:04 PM

“Tron of the Dead”

A slacker is literally abducted into the world of a computer and forced to deal with an entire community that has returned from the dead and where his only chance of escape is with the help of a heroic security program.

Posted by: EJ at October 10, 2010 1:18 PM

The Evil Dead Calm-
Bruce Campbell and Co. fight evil spirits while trapped on a boat with Billy Zane.

The Last Station Agent (non-monster related)
Leo Tolstoy befriends a dwarf obesessed with trains while arguing with Helen Mirren. Also, Patricia Clarkson.

Posted by: futuredirect at October 10, 2010 1:57 PM

Night of the Living Red:

A mob of old, slouching, decaying, smelly ex-spies claw their way out of the grave to take on a secret CIA plot. Can they topple the conspiracy before they rot away?

Highlights include Bruce Willis losing two fingers inside Mary Louise Parker, moths flying out of Helen Mirren's cooter, and John Malkovitch as an undead assassin... sans make-up!.

Posted by: The Mutt at October 10, 2010 3:06 PM

This is fun!

30 Days of Nights in Rodanthe

Paul (Richard Gere) and Adrienne (Diane Lane) meet at a B&B in the small village of Rodanthe. Together they find emotional solace from their respective turmoils and quickly form a strong romantic bond. A bond that will be tested when ravenous vampires descend on the quiet village during 30 days of night. When all communication to the outside world is cut off, the couple and a small group of townspeople must band together to survive the month.

Paul's son: "You gave me back my father. You saved him."
Adrienne: "We saved each other... from the vampires."

The Lost Boyz in the Hood

Two brothers move to South Central, Los Angeles and fall into the world of drugs, fly-bys, and vampire gang violence between the Bloods (led by Keifer Sutherland's 'David') and the Crips (led by Ice Cube's 'Dustboy').

Dustboy: "Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care about who's getting eaten in the hood."

(500) Days of the Dead

Voiceover: This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hanson, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until he met "The One". The girl, Summer Finn, did not share this belief. You should know upfront, this is not a love story and she is a zombie.

Tom: In college, they called me "Perfectly Adequate" Hanson.
Summer: They used to call me "Loves Head".
Tom: *spittake*
...
Summer: I really liked BRAAAAIIIIIIINNNNSSSSSSS.

Posted by: jM at October 10, 2010 4:03 PM

Eat, Pray, Buried

A story of revenge...A husband, at the end of his tether with his self obsessed ex-wife, buries her alive in a wooden box with nothing but a cell phone and a lighter...

Hell bent on making up for the youth he lost in a soul sucking marriage, he takes off on a trip around the world...visiting Italy, India and Indonesia and sampling the best cuisine and 'enlightenment' on offer. Determined to make his ex-wife suffer, he calls her from each location, describing in exquisite detail the food he's eating and the 'sense of self' he's developing.

Despite getting a kick out of the phone calls, the man soon starts to lose his mind...as he comes to realise his ex-wife's solipsistic nature is repeated the world over.

Posted by: Cadence at October 11, 2010 8:51 AM