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Governor's Penis Busy?

A Weekend Comment Diversion / Tater Barley Banks

Comment Diversions | November 7, 2009 | Comments (112)

When I was back there in journalism school, there was a professor there who put forth the proposition that you can really look like a jackass if you aren’t careful with headlines.

Fortunately for our senses of humor, many of my colleagues skipped that class, confounded and confused as they were by classrooms that didn’t seem to be numbered consecutively. Because a lot of very funny things can happen when you add or subtract a letter, or change a letter, or run two words together.

Take the example that serves as the headline here. The story Mr. Professor Man told was that the governor of some state had had quite a time putting his signature on the pile of bills his legislature had sent him. His “pen” had been “busy.” Frankly, “Governor’s pen is busy” would have been one of the most boring headlines ever written for which I am not personally responsible. Think goodness some inattentive writer and copy editior saw fit to liven it up, just a bit.

Here’s another one, perhaps apocryphal but so what:

Man kills self with shitgun

You’d read that story, wouldn’t you?

Just like you’d run to see a movie called “Lust in Translation,” rather than deeming it one of the most boring movies ever, as many of us did a few weeks ago. Right? Don’t tell me you wouldn’t. Every Pajibster and more than a few Pajiblettes would be thinking, “Yeah, I don’t REALLY need to see Bill Murray nekkid, but ScarJo boobies YUM!”

I’m thinking a lot of movie titles (and TV show titles, and album titles, and book titles) could be greatly improved like that with a one-letter addition, omission or swap, or by running two words together. So prove me right here, as usual: Do some adding, omitting, swapping and contracting, and while you’re at it throw in a synopsis, if it’s not too much trouble.

TATER BARLEY BANKS is not to be trusted. He probably makes up everything he writes about himself, especially the stuff about living in West Virginia. Don’t be fooled. In truth, he lives in Pajibaland, where he speaks gibberish as , (TCFKAB), spends his time sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent, and is developing a 25-letter alphabet, now that his key doesn’t work. He has no blog, no FaceBook page and no MySpace page, so don’t try to find him.


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Comments

The Curious Case of Benjamin's Butt. I've just written a hit right there, no woman on earth would turn down a movie about Brad Pitt's ass.

Posted by: George at November 7, 2009 3:10 PM

"eyeing little girls with bad intent,"

Pervert.

And I liked Lost in Translation. It really spoke to my inexplicable attraction to inappropriately older depressed (usually married) men. Besides, don't tell ME you didn't re-watch all of the scenes with ScarJo lounging around in her undies.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 7, 2009 3:15 PM

There was a video rental place in Oh-So-White-Bread Salem OR where I grew up that was called 'Rent a Flick.' Nothing wrong either that, but the blocky all caps letters of the sign out front were a wee bit too close together (particularly the L and I) and from a moving car it really looked like it read "RENT A FUCK"
Good times.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 7, 2009 3:20 PM

Raging Ball.

Every see that episode of House? Yeah.

Posted by: itsmekate at November 7, 2009 3:30 PM

Lindsey with an 'e' -- that reminds me of a funny story. When I was a little girl, we'd drive past a church with every day on my way to school. The church had one of those signs with the letters you could switch out so it could have a variety of messages. Except they never switched -- it was always the same sign. For years. It was supposed to say "God is Good."

The problem was, they only had one "D."

So, the sign read "Goo is Good."

We used to joke that at least it was better than saying that God was Gooo.

Posted by: linny at November 7, 2009 3:31 PM

In the town where I grew up, in the food court of the mall, there was a neon sign over a kiosk that said "Our corn dogs are handdipped."
I always read it as "Our corn dogs are handicapped."

Every. single. time.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at November 7, 2009 3:52 PM

Gone With the Wino.

Ballrats, or Jay and Silent Boob Strike Back.

That's the best I can do.

Posted by: AMT at November 7, 2009 3:52 PM

SE Stark St. in Montavilla (here in Portland) is 1 way westbound for a few blocks. There is a spa/hot tub store at or about 80th that has a very helful sign facing west that says:

"Hey, your going the wrong way!!"

I find it HILARIOUS that this custom made illuminated sign, which was professionally done and carefully composed, executed, and hung, has a basic grammar error that NOBODY caught in the entire time it was being made.
It has been up or 10 years at least, so they clearly have a sense of humor about it.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 7, 2009 3:56 PM

*helpful*
Spelling error in a post mocking a spelling error.
That's classy.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 7, 2009 3:58 PM

"Nothing wrong either that"

The hell?

Clearly I am not qualified to mock the typos of others. If anyone wants to flirt inappropriately of make suggestive innuendos, you know where to find me. Otherwise I am done with this.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 7, 2009 4:05 PM

Sign ouside a local Brahm's a while back:

"Clusterfudge Brownies"

Guess where my mind went with that one!

-Ralphie

Posted by: ralphie at November 7, 2009 4:10 PM

true blood's viewership goes up when a typo lists it as True Blond and the porn fans come sniffing.

sigh. any chance of that being funny is lost in the fact that the show is already pretty pornographic.

Posted by: idleprimate at November 7, 2009 4:21 PM

There was a hair salon called Cut Ups near my college campus. Due to the lettering used it looked remarkably like Clit Lips. Of course that's what we called it.

Posted by: Lou at November 7, 2009 4:22 PM

Poondock Taints

(just so you know, spell check found no problem with "Taints")

Posted by: pissant at November 7, 2009 4:28 PM

Jews
When a gigantic great white Hebrew begins to menace the small island community of Amity, a police chief, a marine scientist and grizzled accountant set out to stop it.

Jews 2
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the desert...

Jews 3-D
The sons of police chief Brody must protect civilians at a Sea World theme park after a gigantic 35-foot Israelite becomes trapped in the park.

Posted by: EricD at November 7, 2009 4:32 PM

Lindsey with an 'e'

Why, don'tcha know, we don't need no grammer round these parts. This is, after all, the internets, land of LOLs and spambots. Here, coherent thought is a rare thing of beauty, and the ability to spell on the fly is just an added bonus.

Posted by: linny at November 7, 2009 4:33 PM

Where I lived in Alabama, there was a construction company called Rawhide Erection and a furniture store called Badcock.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 7, 2009 4:35 PM

Close Encounters of the Tird Kind

After an encounter with UFOs (Unidentified Floating Objects), a line worker feels undeniably drawn to an isolated area in the wilderness where something spectacular, and very disgusting, is about to happen.

Posted by: EricD at November 7, 2009 4:36 PM

Tahnks Linny.You are teh shit. :-]

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 7, 2009 4:39 PM

Clound. Jennifer Tilly, Gina Gershon and Bubbles star in this taunt, sexy film noir.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 7, 2009 4:40 PM

Hmmm.

Bed Santa

Pilates of the Caribbean

Schindler's Lisp

Posted by: Jerce at November 7, 2009 4:52 PM

Yeah, well, not so bad your either.

Posted by: linny at November 7, 2009 4:53 PM

Just for fun, here are the last five best picture winners. I had to stretch the rules for 2007.

Slutdog Millionaire
A Mumbai teen who grew up in the slums, becomes a contestant on the Indian version of "Who Wants To Bang A Millionaire?"

No Cunt for Old Men
Laconic Sheriff Ed Tom Bell can’t catch his man or a break.

The Deported
Two men from opposite sides of the border are under covers, but violence and passion boil when discoveries are made, and the border patrol are dispatched to find out their identities.

Rash
People are born with good hearts, but they grow up and get rashes. Several stories interweave during two days in Los Angeles involving a collection of boils, discharges, blisters and bumps…

Million Dollar Laby
Beyond his silence, there is a past. Beyond her dreams, there is a feeling. Beyond hope, there is a memory. Beyond their journey, there is a giant labia.

Posted by: EricD at November 7, 2009 4:54 PM

WTF happened to my italics tag?!

P.S. ralphie, do you mean Braum's? I miss Braum's so much. And you'd have to physically restrain me from joining in a clusterfudge if one was on offer.

Posted by: Jerce at November 7, 2009 4:56 PM

Garanimal House

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 7, 2009 5:11 PM

Pulp Friction - Gettin' REALLY medieval on your ass.
Star Warts - Celebrities deal with the aftermath of sexing up Madonna.
Some Like It Shot - Younger men, older vagooters.
The Big Seep - An infected wound prevents a hard-boiled dick from standing up to crime.

Posted by: Spender at November 7, 2009 5:25 PM

Jerce, Schindler's Lisp is a good one. Lets see your synopsis.

Posted by: EricD at November 7, 2009 5:26 PM

Spender, Pulp Friction, Star Warts, and Some Like It Shot are all movies I might watch. But I don't even want to think about The Big Seep

Posted by: EricD at November 7, 2009 5:29 PM

Synopses are too much trouble.

I must say I really, really like yours for Rash though.

Also:

Fatman Begins

The Wind That Shakes the Harley

The Gummy and The Gummy Returns

Das Boob

Posted by: Jerce at November 7, 2009 5:49 PM

Slider-Man. Peter Parker eats a radioactive White Castle burger. Gains the proportionate speed and agility of a small hamburger.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 7, 2009 5:51 PM

Glove Jones. Darius develops a fetish for Nina's handwear.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 7, 2009 5:56 PM

Schindler's Fist
The Furious Pace of Benjamin's Bottom


Posted by: Steph at November 7, 2009 6:03 PM

Jurassic Pork, the tale of a pig in the worst possible epoch imaginable, and its sexier follow up, The Lust World

Frank Miller's stylized black-and-white look at the seedy, dark, and violent underground of Helsinki, Fin City!

Christian Bale as the enforcer in a utopian future in which every woman is as bland in the next, in Equilabrium...

In a galaxy, far far away, one man discovers himself and fights to bring down a tyrannical rebellion with a mysterious, religious power at his side...John Paul II in Star Wars: A New Pope!

Emile Hirsch stars in a coming-of-age tragedy in which a young man leaves everything behind, only to find himself stuck in Nebraska. Coming soon, Into the Mild.

Disney Pixar uses their incredible animation abilities to bring you a heartwarming story of the unknown world of characters in Jenna Jameson's nightstand drawer. Toy Story. Woooooops!

Posted by: D-Day at November 7, 2009 6:09 PM

"Synopses are too much trouble."

Like I have anything better to do right now!

Posted by: D-Day at November 7, 2009 6:13 PM

Bring It Up. A harrowing tale about the terrible things cheerleaders must do to maintain weight.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 7, 2009 6:16 PM

Urp. Pixar's tale of a lonely elderly man with indigestion.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 7, 2009 6:19 PM

I have a friend living in Austin and he occasionally passes by a restaurant, and everytime he does he sends me a picture message.
The restaurant? "Pho King" I have to believe this must be a Vietnamese tounge in cheek kind of thing however, I'm not so sure.

Posted by: ashes at November 7, 2009 6:46 PM

Diving Miss Daisy. What really went on in the back of that big old car.
The Rack. Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage give Miss California a tour of Alcatraz.

Posted by: brm at November 7, 2009 7:03 PM

Boys in the Mood- Ice Cube in An edgy look at gays in South Central LA

The Lame- Michael Douglas plays a man who has it all and subsequently gets the lamest birthday presents known to man... Sean Penn plays his brother who gets him a slinky

Babes in Boyland- Some smokin hot ladies are transported to a land where they struggle to find sexual satisfaction as all the men are trapped in prepubescence XXX

The Fifth Enema- Bruce Willis must save the world by finding the secret five elements, which are trapped in various orifices

Something About Barry- Ben Stiller in this comedy where a man struggles with his sexual orientation when his company hires a new worker (a man) who reminds him of the love of his life (a woman). Spoiler alert: it's her, she had a sex change... will he still love her now? Is she even into dudes still?

and finally, a new reality show from Fox

Who wants to marry my mom, who used to be my dad?

A group of Christian Conservative men compete the children of a super sexy, uber-wealthy woman who is looking for Mr. Right... only she used to be Mr. Johnson. Find out what happens when
they finally reveal that this woman has XY chromosomes!

Posted by: Monkey Man at November 7, 2009 7:28 PM

Who wants to marry my mom, who used to be my dad?

They could put Lady GaGa in that, when she adopts some unfortunate kid from Ethiopia (now a lot more unfortunate). She used to be a dude, and hopefully, soon, it will be the only way she can gain even a glimmer of fame.

(Apologies to dudes pretending to be chicks everywhere, I'm sorry I include Lady GaGa in your number.)

Posted by: George at November 7, 2009 7:52 PM

Not sure if this really counts, but when I lived in Berkeley CA, I'd go jogging by this church pretty often that had a big sign that read "All Souls Parish", which I thought was pretty ironic.

It made my day every time, as I'd run by with a smile, and an inexplicable sense of existential dread...

Posted by: Vince Noir at November 7, 2009 8:13 PM

I'm willing to bet the ratings for 30 Cock would be through the roof: "The thrilling erotic adventures of single TV exec Liz Lemon, just doing her best to make it in a man's world--and by "make it," we mean screw! With lots of dudes! Tune in Thursdays on NBC!"

Posted by: meaux at November 7, 2009 8:20 PM

wow. the pajibans are rolling tonight.

Posted by: EricD at November 7, 2009 8:29 PM

Here is one that is too easy:

Uncle Fuck
A schlubby, unemployed man is called up by his brother to take care of his nieces and nephew while his brother and sister-in-law are away at a funeral. Fortunately for Uncle Fuck, his weekend plans improve when he mistakenly knocks on the door of the wrong house, finding a bevvy of naked drunk sorority girls.

Posted by: stardust (now with 100% less savant) at November 7, 2009 8:47 PM

Another:

The Deer Punter

Three Vietnam war veterans don football cleats to take out their frustrations on slow-moving deer.

Posted by: stardust (now with 100% less savant) at November 7, 2009 8:51 PM

Test

Posted by: Adam at November 7, 2009 8:57 PM

I *know* this title-switch thing has been done before, I swear it was a comment diversion a few months back. Wasn't it? Anywhiz, it doesn't prevent y'all from being brilliant and giving me something to laugh at on my coffee break.

Posted by: Lauren at November 7, 2009 9:06 PM

Star Bars
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away...
We follow a young man as he travels the galaxy going from bar to bar to find out who his father really is.

Scarmace
You think that mace in your eyes hurts? Try mace that SCARS!

Grindhose
...nuff said.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at November 7, 2009 9:34 PM

Apocalypso Now - Harry Belafonte sings The Banana Boat Song to keep from going mad after surviving 2012.

Posted by: Spender at November 7, 2009 9:37 PM

Ben Hurl- Young racer faces career crisis as he suddenly falls victim to "Chariot Sickness".

Jailhouse Cock- Elvis experiences a prison epiphany.

Seven Rides For Seven Brothers- A high priced call-girl has a BIG weekend at a logging camp.

Posted by: Spender at November 7, 2009 9:47 PM

Isn't this the "Porn Title Game"? Like how they turn Saving Private Ryan into Shaving Ryan's Privates?

So let's see:

A nerdy rich kid spends his weekends dressed up in latex and lines his pocket protector with super gadgets in...The Dork Knight!

A streetwise, corrupt cop teaches the new guy that, to catch the bad guys, sometimes you have to give it all in...Training Lay!

Samuel L Jackson tries to protect Christina Ricci by any means possible in...Black Snake Moat!

Posted by: Fredo at November 7, 2009 9:55 PM

Glub.

Posted by: Cindy at November 7, 2009 10:43 PM

Samuel L Jackson tries to protect Christina Ricci by any means possible in...Black Snake Moat!

That is genius.

500 Lays of Sumter...a porno about a quirky, lovable hooker during the early days of the Civil War.

Posted by: Jerce at November 7, 2009 11:11 PM

"Hairy Frotter", a character study about a perverted middle aged wizard who likes to ride on subways.

Posted by: Irving Washington at November 7, 2009 11:35 PM

The Men Who Stare at Goatses

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at November 7, 2009 11:54 PM

I prefer the story of Harry coming back to Hogwarts "to teach an often unruly group of remedial wiseguys known as the "Sweathogs."

Welcome back, Harry Kotter.

"Up your nose with a rubber horcrux!"

Posted by: D-Day at November 8, 2009 12:58 AM

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shit. A story of maternal incontinence.

Posted by: branded at November 8, 2009 12:59 AM

The Fast and the Curious. Time to get your oil checked.

Posted by: branded at November 8, 2009 1:06 AM

sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent

HEYYYYYY AQUALUNG!

Posted by: henchman for hire at November 8, 2009 1:14 AM

Minority Resort - a chilling conspiracy thriller, set in depression era germany. to relieve the pressures of poverty the government devises a lottery, if your name comes up on the little ball, you get to go to camp for vacation. But then one man uncovers the shocking truth

Posted by: idleprimate at November 8, 2009 1:40 AM

henchman gets it.

One of the best nights of my life: I stumbled into a bar where a guy was playing guitar and a girl was playing flute, and I got up and sang "Locomotive Breath."

And. It. Was. Awesome.

Speaking of awesome ... you guys are kicking my ass. Tater loves you all.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 8, 2009 3:03 AM

Grosse Point Bland - John Cusack plays a suburban husband, married to that giant-headed actress, who spends his weekends cooking barbecue and wondering how Michigan can overcome the financila crisis.
Lords of Hogtown - The Porky's sequel that NO one saw.
Erection - Documentary exploring Matthew Broderick's attempts at acheiving same on his wedding night with Sarah Jessica Parker.
American History XL - Jessica Simpson's 2009 Concert Film.
The Best Years of Our Wives Billy Wilder's touching, poignant look at every man's first year of marriage.

Posted by: Spender at November 8, 2009 3:34 AM

Big Daddy, I 'got' it. I just think you are a pervert. S'ok, I like perverts.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 8, 2009 3:57 AM

Who cares!!! My boyfriend also agrees with me. He is 10 years older than me, lol. We met online at age-gap club -- http://AgelessOnly.COM/. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.

Posted by: Kyra at November 8, 2009 5:46 AM

ashes,

Austin also has (or used to have) a restaurant called Pho 75, and the price of a bowl of pho was exactly that. Good times.

Posted by: Uncle Mikey at November 8, 2009 8:36 AM

A 1980s era nuclear aircraft carrier is sucked through a giant vagina in order to alter history...Martin Sheen...James Farentino...

The Final Cuntdown

Tom Cruise is drunk and smells like a pine tree in Top Gin

Bal'more cop Richard Belzer is out for terrorist blood after the 1972 Olympics in Steven Spielberg's Munch.

Posted by: laredo at November 8, 2009 10:17 AM

"Shempoo" (Warren Beatty, Samuel Horwit2)

A hairdresser to the stars with an infatuation for the Stooge everyone else hates tries to convince his hero that a cut and style is all he needs to turn his career around.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 8, 2009 10:27 AM

Lwa'e'

Then we're obviously made for each other XOXOXO.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 8, 2009 10:29 AM

Terdminator - McG. That pretty much sums it up.

Bord of the Rings: A bunch of dudes walk around for a very long time.


Twatlight - A poignant coming of age story about angsty teen girls with self-esteem problems that fall for glittery, self-asbored and abusive douchebags.

Posted by: monkeyhateclean at November 8, 2009 11:21 AM

Seen on a bargain table at Barnes & Noble: "Come On People", by Bill Cosby.

That day, Professor Cosby taught me the value of a comma.

Posted by: Chickaboom at November 8, 2009 11:30 AM

, (TCFKAB) at November 8, 2009 10:29 AM

This is what I'm saying..

Anyway, Kudos to all the wicked clever Pajibans in this thread. I can't play word games, it is a handicap of mine. I am always impressed by those who can. I'm better at mockery, inappropriate content, and innuendo. We all have to play to our strengths.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 8, 2009 11:40 AM

Will Smith travels up the dark river of the soul in Apocalypse Naw.

Posted by: laredo at November 8, 2009 12:14 PM

A young genius (Dougray Scott) tries to protect the woman he loves (Kate Winslet) from the unholy, uncircumcised, German war machine that is Schmegma.

Posted by: Hipster Mongoose at November 8, 2009 12:31 PM

Molested Development

Posted by: LyluSteves at November 8, 2009 12:53 PM

Adventures in Babyeating

/self explanatory

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 8, 2009 12:57 PM

Sci-fi edition:

To survive on a desolate moon, stranded fighter pilot Willis Davidge makes an uneasy peace with a mysterious street performer harboring secrets of his own. Dennis Quaid and Marcel Marceau star in:
Enemy Mime.

or

Failing to fulfill his promise to Jeriba to journey to the Drac homeworld to recite Zammis' lineage, Davidge must now face the demons haunting him in
Drac Me To Hell.

Hilarious highjinks ensue when a quirky group of prisoners attempt to find sanctuary in Hogan's Run.

Drink a bottle of vodka and you'll see dinosaurs, rocketships, flying saucers, and deadly robots in Kerry Conran's greenscreen epic Skyy Captain and the World of Tomorrow

Witty wordsmith Freeman Lowell programs his robot companions for hilariousness in this madcap, zany romp. Bruce Dern kills in Silent Punning. In space, no one can hear you groan.

The crew of the exploration vessel Palomino is doomed to discover the true nature of Dr. Hans Reinhardt's research station orbiting Aaron Neville's head in The Black Mole.

At a remote Arctic research station, no one can be trusted when a secret menace lurks under the surface. Kurt Russell must stay alive long enough to find out who is wearing The Thong.

See if you can spot all of the science fiction movie cliches in Starship Tropers.

Fighting a ticking clock, a team of scientists will have to burn their paper coveralls if they can't find a way to get out The Andromeda Stain.

Sean Connery discovers that the Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich is evil in Tardoz.


Posted by: laredo at November 8, 2009 1:02 PM

The Silence of the Lamps

A young FBI cadet (Jodie Foster) must confide in an incarcerated and manipulative weatherman (Steve Carell) to receive his help on catching another weatherman who loves lamps too much.

Posted by: EricD at November 8, 2009 1:04 PM

Hank Herbert's: Dung

Written by Frank Herbert's third cousin, twice removed.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 8, 2009 1:05 PM

A Cockwork Orange

In future Britain, charismatic delinquent Alex DeLarge is jailed and later volunteers for an experimental aversion therapy developed by the government in an effort to solve society's crime problem... but not all goes to plan.

(I love this one because I didn't have to change the IMDB synopsis for it to fit.)

Posted by: EricD at November 8, 2009 1:11 PM

Star Wars Episode 2.5: Attack of the Cunts

Padme Amidala and her vegan handmaidens take on the Separatists, while in their period.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 8, 2009 1:15 PM

Flush Gordon

In Pixar's new cgi spectacular, a football player's BM and its friends travel to the planet Mongo and find themselves fighting the tyrant, Ming the Merciless, to save Earth

Posted by: EricD at November 8, 2009 1:17 PM

It's a Wonderful Wife

An angel helps a compassionate but despairingly frustrated businessman by showing what life would had been like if he had only stayed single.

Posted by: EricD at November 8, 2009 1:27 PM

The Outlaw Jose Wales

Paul Rodriguez stars as a down on his luck Mexican trying to juggle life, work, love and evading La Migra in East L.A. Cheech Marin guest stars.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 8, 2009 1:29 PM

The Manchurian Candidate

In the midst of raging class warfare in early 21st century America, one man becomes a tool of the far left fostering the implementation of its radical agenda and sowing the seeds that will destroy all that America has been or ever will be.

Posted by: EricD at November 8, 2009 1:41 PM

I think laredo's winning. Apocalypse Naw almost made me pee my pants.

Posted by: Jerce at November 8, 2009 1:49 PM

I think I like Spender's Some Like It Shot - Younger men, older vagooters the best so far.

Posted by: EricD at November 8, 2009 2:05 PM

Props from the person who created Pilates of the Carribean?! Damn.

Posted by: laredo at November 8, 2009 2:43 PM

The path from impoverished child to obnoxious adult is charted in Orson Welles' beloved lesser masterpiece, Citizen Kanye.

Posted by: laredo at November 8, 2009 2:53 PM

Yep... laredo is killing on this one!
"Starship Tropers" = epic.

Posted by: Spender at November 8, 2009 2:58 PM

Lucile Ball is a wealthy eccentric who tracks internet discussion trends in Meme.

Posted by: laredo at November 8, 2009 3:10 PM

Arnold Swarzenegger, Steven Seagal, Michael Clarke Duncan and Sylvester Stallone star in: Four Getting Sarah Marshall.

Posted by: Jess at November 8, 2009 5:01 PM

Topical Thunder!

See John Maclauglin, Pat Buchanan, Eleanor Clift and Mort Zuckerman take on today's hottest political topics in an action filled round table adventure.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 8, 2009 5:13 PM

And, Laredo for the win with Citizen Kanye!
Awesome!

Posted by: lilredtrixie at November 8, 2009 5:49 PM

"Tora! Tora! Tor!"

Ed Wood's World War II epic, made for $12.67 (the Japanese 2eroes are model planes and Lake Erie doubles as Pearl Harbor). Starring 400-pound Tor Johnson (with his eyes taped back) as Hirohito.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 8, 2009 6:28 PM

Laredo: awesome sci-fi edition.

Independence Dye -- After Planet Earth experiences a terrifying overwhelming coup by aliens, Americans band together, dying their collective heads red, white and blue in patriotic civil disobedience. This brave, yet futile protest has precisely the same effect as most other protests, except the aliens do not use rubber bullets or mace.

This film required the collective tool kits of Roland Emmerich, Michael Bay, Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi to realise. The monumental explosive genocidal bloodfest struck a chord with the public and the movie grossed 1.9 trillion at the box office.

Posted by: idleprimate at November 8, 2009 6:52 PM

Hank Herbert's: Dung

Bslim...ever the terse but brilliant.

Posted by: brite at November 8, 2009 7:00 PM

Ok, some more:

Tom Hanks leads a group of battle-hardened soldiers on a quest to bring bright lights, loud, pumping music and ecstasy to a young man who has lost his brothers in...Raving Private Ryan.

Sigourney Weaver must travel to the far reaches of space and deal with Tim, Woody and the rest of the deadly...Allens!

Posted by: Fredo at November 8, 2009 7:02 PM

Secretary-at

James Spader fucks a horse. HARD. But it's still somehow a warm-hearted romance!

Posted by: Christian H. at November 8, 2009 7:36 PM

Who's Your Cabby? - Think Taxi Driver as done by Woody Allen.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at November 8, 2009 8:10 PM

Screw the Dust Bowl and the Great Depression. This year the Joad family warmly invites you to unwrap a hilarious Christmas gift of joy and jubilation in The Grapes of Wreath.

Posted by: laredo at November 8, 2009 9:51 PM

Secretary-at = WIN!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 8, 2009 10:55 PM

It's a Wonderful Line, directed by Darren Aronofsky.

The sordid true tale of how Pottersville was born.

the film opens with Pa Bailey, director of the Savings and Loan, succumbing to a heart attack after a life long downward spiral of workaholism.

George bailey, haunted by nightmares of repeating his fathers life reluctantly takes on the reigns. He works longer and longer hours, alienated from his family.

Uncle Billy is blamed for a suspicious series of financial mishaps, which only spurs his drinking on, blinding him to the truth.

Finally The Savings and Loan melts down and we learn George bailey has an epic cocaine habit.

Potter swoops in to cannibalize the sweet little town. George wanders the streets in a "snow" driven psychosis talking to an hallucinatory angel until he is brutalized by an angry mob at the local tavern.

In a chilling ending that left audiences dazed and drained, we learn it was Potter who had been supplying George all along.

* * *

I can't believe I wrote that. Capra's film is my all-time favorite. What is wrong with me? You people have corrupted me.

Posted by: idleprimate at November 8, 2009 10:59 PM

Be afraid. Be very afraid of Sex Flies and Videotape. Jeff Goldblum's matter transportation experiment goes awry and turns him into a man/fly hybrid with an extraordinary sex drive. He kidnaps young women, videotapes interviews with them prior to sending them through his pods and then having sex as they transform into female/fly hybrids. He creates a new fetish market and crowns himself "Lord of the Flies".

Posted by: Jiffyzen at November 8, 2009 11:04 PM

This comment thread could probably go on forever and morph into a strange black hole of puns and vague movie references.

Kevin Costner and Tim Robbins star as recently released baseball players desperate to earn money to pay the rent. But how far are they willing to go? Coming soon, The Full Durham!

Brad Pitt is on a mission to stop Congress from passing the amendment that would deny him his very right to love. Rip Taylor co-stars in the gripping emotional drama of Mr. and Mr. Smith (Goes to Washington).

Darryl Hammond of SNL stars as Sean Connery who stars as a Russian submarine captain in The Hunt for Redtober!

Ben Affleck goes away as Jennifa Yopez gratuitously shakes her butt before she married Remy from Ratatouille and her career went down the crapper, in Jigli!

Walt Disney uses cutting edge special effects to bring you inside the world of computers. Jeff Bridges must enter the world he created to defeat the Master Control Program. But what dangers lie inside a world so unlike our own? It's Jeff Bridges vs. RuPaul, in...Tran!

I must also profess that "Citizen Kanye" is the bee's knees. Can someone auto-tune "Rosebud"?.

Posted by: D-Day at November 8, 2009 11:57 PM

"Bloggie Nights" (documentary)

Having heard themselves described as "big dicks" all their lives, a group of pale and frankly geeky nerdy schlubby men use "found" video and statistical evidence to try to make the case that movie reviewers do, indeed, swing the the longest schlongs of all Web site operators.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 9, 2009 12:46 AM

Rodzilla

Epic porn flick starring Matthew Broaderdick.


That's probably out there somewhere isnt it..

Posted by: StepDown at November 9, 2009 1:03 AM

In The Mommy Returns the adopted child of a major celebrity copes with the mother from hell when the zombiecopylpse arrives and Faye Dunaway seeks "WIRE HANGERS!" instead of "BRAINS."

Posted by: Jiffyzen at November 9, 2009 2:21 AM

From Busk Till Dawn - Mimes in France must make sufficient money in one evening to avoid being the food of vampires

Little Dicky (directed by Michael Bay) the child of the devil must overcome an obvious shortcoming in order to become the new Satan.

Queef of the Damned - Cartman should give the synopsis of this one.

King Bong - Woody Harlson and friends engage in an epically long search for the best bong in the history of the world.

Turn After Reading - Elmo helps little readers everywhere learn about how to turn the pages of books.

Lord of the Strings - If 60 minutes isn't enough, here's the full length feature version of Hoarders. Two men compete to own the biggest string balls ever assembled.

Baowulf - Scott Bao has an epic problem.

Fatman - Val Kilmer once was hot. Really.

Miami Lice - two detectives try to discover whether Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian is the culprit of the newest public health threat outbreak.

American Fangster - Twilight fans go to extreme lengths to met the stars of the silliest vampire film franchise ever to haunt a movieplex.

Posted by: Jiffyzen at November 9, 2009 3:16 AM

The Sexorcist - This idea just gave Polanski a four hour boner.

The Boob of Love - I wonder wonder who, bedoobedoop? Who wrote the Boob of Looooove?

The Taint - Not interested yet? It stars Helen Mirren. Boom.

Big Trouble in Little Vagina - This is pushing it, but it made me giggle.

Hump Up The Volume - The story of a volume knob enthusiast.

Snatchmen - Who killed the smelly cigar-smoking Snatchman?

*Needless to say, I hold crotch humor in the highest regard*

Posted by: Kballs at November 9, 2009 8:51 AM

I love catching up from the great weekend threads on a Monday morning. This is good stuff. It's too early though and I got nuthin'. Well, maybe one:

Shartbreak Ridge-A war hero must come to terms with the fact that during the battle of their lives, he was busy shitting himself.

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 9, 2009 10:36 AM

Baowulf moving up the list! Good form, good form.

Posted by: D-Day at November 9, 2009 12:06 PM

This is a nearly-48-hour-late response to Jerce's comment but I'll throw it in, anyway... *ahem*:

Thindler'th Lithp. (Thorry: thtill no thynopthith.)

Posted by: bostonadrianne at November 9, 2009 3:49 PM





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