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In a Dream You Are Never Eighty

By Mrs. Julien | Comment Diversions | August 31, 2013 | Comments ()


Thumbnail image for sleepwalk-02.jpg

As MaguitaNYC pointed out to me, it’s time for a “tell us your dreams and nightmares” diversion. Have we done this before? Hell, yes. Is it always fascinating? Hell, yes! Besides one assumes you’ve had new and freaky dreams since last time.

Last night, I dreamt about visiting an art archive at a university. I was shown pieces in the collection by a historian/professor, including those that had been accidentally immersed in some sort of fluid that made them more valuable. This led to my coating a stack of monochromatic canvases in gasoline to increase their value and then, either because of that or because I had killed the historian, I’m not sure, I was on the run. Frequently in dreams, I can vault over railings or jump down flights of stairs. Last night, was just such an occasion. The scenery was lovely, even being seen quickly in passing. The campus was green and lush, the hallways oak-paneled. I was getting caught when I woke up, but I don’t remember being afraid.

My psyche provides remarkably consistent dream elements. If I dream of mice, I am worried about money. Generally, our house will have vermin I am attempting to stomp unsuccessfully. When I feel powerless, I dream that of speaking, but I have gum in my mouth and no matter what I do, I can’t get it out. I keep pulling out wads, but there is always more. I dream of hitting or screaming at people I’m angry with. I have awful dreams where I am trying to get somewhere desperately and I’m kind of run-crawling along the ground, pulling myself along by grabbing clumps of grass. Not exactly profound, I know. I’m vanilla even in sleep.

I bet your dreams are much more interesting, or interesting full stop. Please deposit them below for us to judge.

A tip of the subconscious to Anne Sexton for the title.

One last thing: At junctures such as these, I am contractually-obligated to mention that my best friend has not once, but twice called and awakened me from a dream in which I was moments away from behaving like a wanton and salacious jezebel with Jon Stewart. TWICE!

Comment diversion suggestions, metaphors, and left-handed scissors can be sent here.

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  • ZombieNurse

    I have terrible dreams about my brother, who is severely handicapped with Cerebral Palsy. I dream that my mother has left him in my care and that I forget he's there with me. In these dreams I always realize, days later, that I've forgotten to feed him or give him his medicine. I've literally woken up while running through the house in a blind panic, trying to find him, even though I'm fairly sure he has died or is close to death because I didn't take care of him. These dreams are horrible, and even though they never start out the same, I always wake up either running through my house looking for him, or wake up almost in tears because I've hurt him in some way. It takes me a while to realize he isn't there.

  • cinekat

    In my dream, I wake up in my bed, in my room, with the uneasy certainty that something is amiss - that there is a stranger in the flat. I reach for the light on my nightstand but it won't turn on. I quietly get out of bed and sneak to the lightswitch on the wall but it doesn't work either. At that moment, just as panic sets in, I realize someone is standing right behind me, breathing down my neck. The whole thing is completely realistic, right down to whatever messy pile is currently gracing my floor.
    Then I wake up, completely uneasy. And I reach for the light on my nightstand. And then I pause.

  • TheShitWizard

    I'm in a restaurant with my Dad (wouldn't happen in real life. We have, um, problems) when the restaurant is attacked by zombies. For some reason, my dream-Dad has a withered arm, which I have to use to beat him to death. The dream only finishes once he's dead...Wonder if I have some daddy issues?

    In other dreams, someone I love is drowning and everyone I know watches while I try to swim out to them, only the waves keep washing them further away from me. Everyone blames me when they drown.

  • John G.

    I keep cruising by Pajiba and seeing that header image and silently screaming. It gets me every time

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    I have the usual stress dreams—being sent back to high school and no one will believe me that I graduated years ago, teeth falling out, chewing gum and pulling my teeth out, not having any brakes in a car I'm driving, that kind of stuff. Miss Smith is already telling me she has these dreams too (except she has to go back to elementary school). She really is a mini me.

    For some reason Brad Pitt is sometimes in my dreams. Not the sexy ones, he's just there and I'm not really sure why.

    I recently had a very exciting dream in which Mr Smith and I were sort of rafting/parasailing/climbing this amazing river gorge with huge rapids and very high walls. I've never done anything like that, but I think I would like to now. If it was a subconscious sexual thing, I'm still totally on board.

  • I have three regular dreams, two of which are related to the same thing. Dream one is quite trite, but I wake up terrified EVERY TIME. I dream that they discover that I really failed English IV in high school, take away my diploma, and I have to return to my high school and take the class again in real time at school if I want it back.

    Dreams two and three are related to the fact that I use cpap machine at night. I either dream that I hear a tornado coming and am completely paralyzed in my bed (I get this one when my mask has been knocked off kilter and I hear the air rushing out.) or that a huge spider/roach/terrifying insect has crawled up the hose of my machine and comes out on my face when the air pressure starts. UGH.

    On a more pleasant note, when I was four, I dreamed that God came to me and told me to stop sucking my fingers (I sucked the first two on my right hand, not my thumb. Weird, I know...). I never sucked them again.

  • m.

    I had long hair (to the bottom of my rib cage) in high school, and then I shaved my head and kept it like that for most of my twenties. But occasionally, I would have the most vivid dreams in which I had hair. I could feel the weight of it and how it moved when wet, or it would get stuck under a shoulder strap and yank when I tried to turn my head; after pulling out a tight ponytail, my scalp would tingle or I would do the well-practiced combo move of a shoulder roll-head toss to flip my hair away from my face. I would wake from these dreams incredibly disconcerted, and literally have to touch my own head to make sure that I still had the peach fuzz that (upon waking) I remembered I should have in real life.

    It wasn't until years later that I realized I would have these dreams when I was contemplating major change in my life: should I quit my job and move to another city, should I take this casual relationship anywhere, is it time to finally start university?

    I have since grown my hair back out (not quite as long, but still), moved across the country with a long-term partner, and started university, but I haven't had any shaved-head dreams.

  • HJ

    My most frequent dreams are either I'm trying to change/ go to the bathroom in a crowded place and I can't find a stall where no one can see me or dreams where I'm running from something and I suddenly remember I can run on all fours. The feeling of freedom in those latter dreams is AMAZING and I always wake up disappointed at my slow, non-exciting bipedalness.

    Less frequently but still common- I dream of places I have never seen before but always visit sometime later in life. One was a history museum in Amsterdam that I had never even heard of before my trip there. And the freakiest one was when I dreamed basically the entire day that happened after I woke up. From the phone calls I got at work to the songs playing on the radio to my walk home (where I took streets I had never been on before) I had dreamed every detail of that day the night before. So weird.

  • blacksred

    I am very slutty mcslutterson in my dreams. I am always having sex with someone i wouldnt even consider in real life, a homeless man. Steve Buscemi, Pauley from Goodfellas I mean come on! My other theme is trying to get out of the city at the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. I have knowledge of how to hotwire cars but there is always some other problem with the damn thing, like no wheels. But the issue with the car is never recognized prior to getting in said car and driving a few feet.

  • DeltaJuliet

    When I was pregnant with both of my sons I was a HUGE slutty mcslutterson in my dreams. Totally because of hormones I suppose because in real life I have a pretty low libido and also when I was pregnant I threw up for 40 weeks so there was no actual lovin' going on. But yeah, I was slutting it up with EVERYBODY. I always woke up so embarrassed.

  • K1i1

    I used to train and compete in Karate quite heavily, several nights a week, since I was old enough to walk, after being introduced to it by my father, who used to be a Sensei himself. However, 3 years ago, circumstances intervened- as in, I grew up, went to college, quickly dropped out and got a job, moved in to an apartment by myself, and since then while I've tried to keep in shape I haven't trained or competed seriously with anyone. About a year after I gave it up, and ever since, the dreams will come to me occasionally- the scenarios are always different but the general outcome is the same. Generic but varied undesirables threatening me or my friends/family, I confidently step up to the plate and administer a blow or lock or submission, to almost comical lack of effect. In the most recent one I was defending my significantly shorter best friend from a man in his forties nearly as tall as myself, and twice as wide. After trying to placate him verbally, I saw the intended violence in his eyes and resolved to end the situation by rolling my head and shoulders back and delivering a perfectly executed headbutt directly to the bridge of his nose. What followed was an awkward silence as he looked at me, completely unfazed and considerably more enraged, and I looked back at him at a complete loss for what to do next. You could have inserted the deflated 'whah-whaaah' trumpet noise, if it weren't for the clear implications in the look on his face- You gave me everything you got, and it was nothing. Now you're screwed.

    TL;DR- since I stopped training and applying my body, my subconscious seems to be reminding me of my diminished ability to defend myself and others. I'm sure the dreams would subside if I started finding the time to get to a dojo more often- I'd be interested to hear if anyone else in similar circumstances has ever had the same dreams.

  • marigi

    Years ago I dreamt of having a child, a girl of about 3, and I loved her so much it almost hurt. What really did hurt is that when I woke up and realized I was dreaming, the loss was so painful I cried my eyes out. I never had motherly instincts, so the sensation was completely alien to me. Now that I'm pregnant, I think about this dream a lot. The fact that I'm going to be a mother hasn't kicked in yet, but I'm holding on to that dream hoping I will feel the same way once he/she/it comes into this world.

  • marigi

    To make things less sappy: a few weeks ago I dreamt that crazy Britney Spears (the version with the shaved head) was elected pope. She looked great in bishop garb with the mitre and all the works!

  • googergieger

    I think I'm asleep right now. God my dreams are boring, but at least I won't bore the fuck out of you telling you about them.

  • e jerry powell

    Don't take me to the Anne Sexton place. I'll have to hurt somebody.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I almost never have dreams that I remember. I think I must be failing at sleep. I can't even remember the last time I had a sex dream, boo. Usually the dreams I remember are when I'm intermittently dozing in the morning.

    I took a dream analysis class in college that I was really excited about. I even convinced my boyfriend to sign up. And then I had maybe 2 dreams that I remembered well enough to journal, and I sure as hell wasn't going to share the one that was very, very obviously about sexual jealousy and whether or not I should give up my virginity to my boyfriend. I ended up making dreams to fake analyze.

    I feel so boring right now.

  • llp

    I very rarely remember my dreams, but some of my most disturbing ones have been prophetic - dreaming of people I know dying and then something strikingly similar happening to them within a few weeks. It has happened twice. It might be coincidence, but it is making me tense just thinking about it.

  • John W

    My bad dreams usually involve waking up (in my dreams) realizing I am late for high school or I'm being chased and I'm running in slow motion despite I feel like I'm sprinting as fast as I can.

    I know those are common dreams which makes it freaky.

  • delle

    This is strange because I had literally just been having a strange dream and when I woke up I came here to find something to read to distract myself from it cause it had left me feeling a little disturbed and spacey. I tend to be a very vivid dreamer, and a history of chronic nightmares has led me to learn lucid dreaming, which means fewer nightmares and much more dream sex. And flying! Those dreams are my favourites.

    In the dream I was just having, I could see a room where a number of children were going to sleep in beds and on the floor. I understood that it was a sleepover. The last child to bed turned off the light, and the room was lit now by a string of christmas lights which made an errie glow. The child, a little girl of about 6, got into her sleeping bag next to two other children and lay down, and at that moment all the other children started to change. It was as if someone was draining their life force; their features began to twist and age and before I could get over my shock they all looked like very old corpses. Then I blinked and they all looked like normal children again, but they were all dead, and I understood that what I had seen was a manifestation of what had happened to their souls. And then the little girl (who looked normal) opened her eyes and looked right at me. I stared back and knew that she had killed those children and that she was not human. Terror scarcely describes how I felt with her staring at me and I backed away until I was out of the room, then I ran.

    There was more after that, even more disturbing and freaky, and I actually found out why the little not-girl was killing children. The dream even managed to have a happy ending, of sorts. But I am still weirded out by what came later. Not good imagery at all. Dead children? Seriously brain, WTF?

  • DeltaJuliet

    Yikes. Maybe you should write a horror movie or something. Not that I would see it. I'm a total chicken, especially when it comes to kid-themes.

  • dizzylucy

    I often have very weird dreams, and remember a lot of them. One that has always stuck with me- I had died or was dying, but before I went to wherever, I had to go see everyone important in my life first, and tell them how much they had meant to me, except I was like a ghost and they didn't know I was there. I remember saying things to coworkers and friends, then going to see my best friend of 30 years, and knowing my family was next. I started crying before I could say anything to her, and woke myself up just flat out sobbing. It left me feeling so strange and i can still remember that feeling.

    On a happier note, I once dreamt that I bought some ice cream or something from Will Arnett and then got to hang out and talk to him for a while.

  • Mrs.P

    I am a non-smoker. I have never smoked a cigraette. I only mention this because, I often smoke in my dreams. This usually happens after an especially stressful day. What I don't understand is why I always feel so relaxed when I wake up the next morning.

  • m.

    I wonder if the smoking that dreaming-you is doing means that sleeping-you is also inhaling deeply and fully, and then exhaling completely (the better to pull the nicotine from the next drag to the farthest reaches of the lungs). Breath work is a large part of yoga and meditation, as well as other practices, and hugely contributes to the parasympathetic nervous response.

  • Uriah_Creep

    My dreams are generally the old reliables, but when I was a teenager, I had a weird one that only my best friends know about.

    I was standing in front of the Dairy Queen in my home town, on a very nice day. I was wearing nothing but one of those grass hula skirts, and I mean NOTHING. I had a raging boner that the skirt did nothing to conceal, and I would dance for the people walking by or going into the Dairy Queen. Once in a while I would stop dancing and have a chat with someone I recognized, and they acted as if this was the most natural thing in the world. As soon as they left, I'd go back to dancing. It's hard to tell how long dreams last in real time, but this one seemed to go on for a very long time until eventually I got tired, lost the erection, and walked off into the distance. Then I woke up and said "What the holy fuck?"

    And that is Creep's Dairy Queen boner dream.

  • llp

    I read this, and immediately wondered what kind of Blizzard one would order after seeing a hula boner out in the parking lot. Pineapple banana?

  • Uriah_Creep

    If I weren't so modest, I might suggest the DQ Log Cake, for the enormous size.

  • llp

    I am assuming you are referring to the "party monster" motif?

  • Uriah_Creep

    It's like you're in my head.

  • Feralhousecat

    I dreamt the other night that I had a creature in my care that was oxblood red and looked like a cross between a fox and a wild cat. I loved it dearly but it was always hungry. So much so that I was running constantly to feed it enough to prevent it from devouring itself.

    I had no more than two hours between feedings. Several times I was late and I would find it curling up and chewing and swallowing its own tail and I'd scream and try to get it to eat the food I had instead. I was so frantic that by the time I woke up I was exhausted.

    I may be overextended.

  • I've had many, many dreams about school: elementary school, high school and college. But no matter when the dream is set, it always takes place in my old elementary school.

    I'm also very angry that I've never had a dream where I could fly. I've had many where I could run and jump like the Hulk, but never fly. Dammit, dreams!

  • kirbyjay

    oh yeah, and I dream of my friend who died when I was 17. Not often, but when I do, I know he will leave so I try to enjoy my time with him

  • kirbyjay

    I love sleeping, I have some of the best dreams.....But the regulars
    I can not dial a telephone in my dreams. I forget numbers, the dials ( always dials ) do not line up with the numbers, the phone book is never alphabetical and it's missing pages, It's incredible frustrating and must have something to do with my hatred of phones
    Whenever I shower in my dreams (doesn't everyone) I am always standing on a bed, fully clothed. ?????
    I can rollerblade like a maniac in the subway ( The Warriors?) and it is one of my favorites because it's so much fun, spinning, axels, backwards, jumps. I am Olympic caliber
    I still dream about a job that I had 30 years ago( and hated)
    I had a recurring dream when I was a kid about Mr. McGregor chasing me when I tried to take a bike out of his shed. Many years later I realized it was Peter Rabbit. Them damn children's stories were brutal
    If I watch a movie that I really enjoy I will invariably dream about the lead actor who has fallen in love with me (hahahaha). Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, Lee Marvin etc..... and since I watch That 70's Show daily, Hyde always shows up ( never Danny Masterson)
    I also have a recurring dream that I can not begin to describe what it is about, ( always different) but always leaves me with a feeling that I belong there and gives me incredible peace.
    Off for a nap....later!

  • DeltaJuliet

    I have the bizarre showering in bed dream too. What the hell is that all about?????

  • Mrs. Julien

    I have the dialing dream, too. I keep dialing and dialing but something always goes wrong and I can't complete it or I misdial. I hate those dreams.

  • Naye

    I am constantly chased by dinosaurs or being shot at. Seriously, like always in life and death situations. I know what the dinosaurs mean, but why I am I always about to die? I don't think much about death during my conscious hours. Anyway...

    Recently I had a dream that I was getting my 2 yr old daughter a matching tattoo on her arm. And the artist decided to tattoo her face for "art". Like she had dasies all over her face. And all I could think was how the heck was I going to tell my parents that I let my baby's face get tattooed lol.

  • minxy

    All my dreams are mundane and stressful. I had a dream I was on a gameshow with Benedict Cumberbatch. During the commercial break I asked him if I could take his picture and he was really gracious about it, but I couldn't find the camera app on my phone. He was still being nice, but I could tell I was completely irritating him, and then I woke up.

  • Salieri2

    Where in the hell did that header pic come from? May I never see it again, DAMN.

    I used to have two major types of stress dreams: They're After Me and Naked At Work.

    They're After Me was usually a zombie/alien/monster chasefest, in which absolutely everyone around me was hostile and it was just a matter of time until sheer numbers overwhelmed me. I was sometimes armed, sometimes not, but no matter how well I was shooting or hacking or running or phasing, I could never seem to lift my gaze above the floor, which really hampered...everything. As if I had a ball cap pulled low I couldn't see past; very frustrating.

    But I haven't had that dream in awhile and now it's always Naked At Work. It's depressing, because no one even laughs and points, or says something saucy or snarky; they all just look at me all "Again?!! She is a MORON" and I'm all "God, why the hell do I keep forgetting pants?? I need to pack some work clothes in my trunk."

    I used to have the occasional losing-teeth dream, so I'm always grateful to wake up with them.

  • BWeaves

    Lately, my doorbell rings around 5 a.m. and wakes me up. EXCEPT, nobody is actually ringing my doorbell and nobody else in the house hears it. My brain has just decided to ring my doorbell in my head when it wants me to wake up for some reason. It sounds just like my actual doorbell, because I had darling hubby go ring it while I laid in bed to see if maybe it was different. I really hate it, because I have to get up and check in case someone really is fucking with my house.

    Also, I've mentioned broccoli dreams before. Whenever I eat broccoli I have the most hallucinogenic dreams.

  • blacksred

    I swear i hear my doorbell too! I have even went so far as to look out my window to see if anyone is at the door

  • emmalita

    Before I admitted how much I had come to hate my once loved job, I woke up to someone saying my name. No one was saying my name. It was creepy and stopped as soon as I decided to make a career change.

  • Salieri2

    Oo! For me it's California Pizza Kitchen's Sicilian pizza. It guarantees the crazy.

  • Berry

    I sometimes have very vivid dreams about dead loved ones, and they almost always follow the same pattern. I meet the person, or talk with them on the phone. We never talk about anything important, and they never give any sage advice from beyond the grave. But it's always very confusing. I keep telling them that they should be dead, and that I clearly remember them dying. They evade for a while, but finally admit that they are indeed pushing daisies. However, there has been a mix-up in the after-life, someone lost some paper-work or whatever, and in consequence, they have to be transferred from one "department" to another. While this transfer is in progress, they are allowed ta brief contact with the living. But once the mistakes have been sorted out, and they're back in their right department, the contact will stop.

    So there you have it, folks. If my dreams are to be believed, we can't escape bureaucracy even by kicking the bucket.

  • Zuffle

    My dead loved ones are never, ever dead in my dreams. I always have a lovely time, and then wake up with horror and feel like I have to mourn them again. That's the worst part of sleep for me.

  • Berry

    I'm sorry for both of your losses, as inadequate as that phrase always feels. And despite my somewhat flippant tone (can you say defense mechanism?) my dreams are intensely painful, too. They're a combination of initial happiness for being able to speak with them again, combined with the knowledge that it shouldn't be possibly and then followed by panic because it's about to be over soon.

  • Zuffle

    Jesus, Berry -- I think knowing while in the dream that they're about to go again and having to prepare myself and say goodbye would by even worse than not knowing. I envy you not one jot.

    And I didn't think you were being flippant... they're dreams, and you have to take them with a pinch of salt, right? Not that it stops me feeling guilty all day if I cheat on my wife in a dream, of course...

  • Berry

    Ha, I sex-dreams give me a bit of a guilty feeling sometimes too. But it is interesting how minds construct dreams, especially recurring dreams. Like where did that elaborate, red-tape nightmare of an after-life come to me? Reading too much Kafka during my formative years? (Sorry, that sounds super pretentious, but I did read a bit of Kafka way back when. And for the record, before your 15th birthday, any amount of Kafka is "too much". Dude had issues.)

  • Brooke

    I dream a lot about my younger brother. He's never the hard living drug addict that he was when he died, he's always the little nerd he was when he was little. I wake up crying every time.

  • DeltaJuliet

    so sorry :(
    reading that made me so sad for you!

  • Zuffle

    My dreams always occur in the same place. It's a city, with a coast, a shopping mall area, and some streets I'm familiar with, and the only exit is via a motorway/freeway that has collapsed into the water, and the only way to cross it is across the twisted, gnarled girders that are left behind. Sometimes I can fly (I implicitly know the 'flight plan' routine I have to go through, running and lifting my legs to hover as I 'glide' my arms), and sometimes not, but I know this place I've never actually been to like my home town.

    I sometimes think it's like a Mulitple Earths version of myself, like I'm getting a glimpse into an alternate reality of my world. But whatever happens -- and you can take it on bond that weird shit does (last night I had sex with two guys, and I'm straight, and I spent the rest of the dream walking to the bookstore and worrying I might give my wife and daughter an STI) -- when I wake up, the most alarming thing is always the familiarity I have with the place. Y'see, I could draw you my 'home', down to the tire swing out front and the half-repaired car in the drive, but I know in the real world I have no analogue for anything or any locale I dream of. It's a comp,etely different place, which exists as a whole as the placeIi visit each night.

    I could even draw you a ap of the town, and matk where

  • Zuffle

    Fucking ipad.

    ... A map of the town, and mark where my friends and family live... In this world, some of them have been dead for 20 years or so.

    Thing is, I'm not threatened by it any more - while I'm asleep. When I'm awake, I dread closing my eyes like an army of Bill Cosby sweaters are waitng for me.

  • Zuffle

    Apologies for my typing. The scale from Steve Jobs' horn that powers my iPad appears to be on the fritz.

  • Mitchell Hundred

    I generally don't remember my dreams, but my parents frequently have odd dreams that lead to bizarre little in-jokes amongst our family.

    Example: My stepmother once had a dream where she was watching an old black-and-white movie on TV called The Glory of L'il Pepi. I believe it took place in a Scandinavian country, and involved fish or fish skeletons.

    Upon hearing of this the next morning, my mother announced that she had dreamt about a small dog (not a puppy, like a chihuahua or something) being carried through the streets of a European city, where all the buildings were old-fashioned like in Grimm's Fairy Tales. The person carrying the dog was holding it out in front of them in the palms of their hands, and crowds of people along the side of the road were watching and applauding.

    Naturally, my mother concluded that The Glory of L'il Pepi was what had happened in her dream, and now they refer to any small dog as L'il Pepi (to the bewilderment of anyone not directly related to us).

    I have a weird family.

  • hippyherb

    Weird family's are awesome.

  • Cree83

    I often have sad dreams of my father, who died almost 3 years ago, where I find myself sent back in time to the week or so before he died, and I know he's going to die, but I know there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't want to tell him he's going to drop dead soon because I know it would scare him. So I have to pretend everything's fine while I milk in a few more moments hanging out with him.

    But I have happier dreams about him too. Some times he's already dead in the dream, and I know he's dead, but he's come back to visit me. Those are usually very nice. I wake up feeling like he really did come to visit, just to see how I am.

    Most of my dreams are not particularly noteworthy, but every once in awhile I'm shocked by a super violent dream. It's surprising because I'm a pretty mild mannered person, but in dreams I can become quite dangerous when I feel threatened. I have dreams all of the time where I'm being followed by someone I don't trust, and instead of running away or anything, I just turn around and straight up stab the person repeatedly. Those are always the most graphic dreams too, blood and guts everywhere.

  • Thanks for sharing. Your first two paragraphs I identify with incredibly.
    The mixture of sadness and joy that comes with those dreams is sometimes a very, very confusing one and when they first started happening I would invariably be left with a hollow feeling upon waking. As time has passed, though, the feeling has slowly become more positive and I'm thankful for the experience.

  • ViciousTrollop

    I have the most frustrating dreams. I'll look out the window and see like 5 tornadoes off in the distance heading for my house. I try to warn everyone but they just brush me off. "There's a giant tornado coming, Mom!" "Let me just finish my cup of tea first." It drives me crazy.

    I'm always trying to dial 911 as well but my fingers just won't do it. I'll dial 922 or some other useless number. If I do manage to dial it they always put me on hold.

    I can't ever properly close or lock doors either. There'll be a gang of murderers outside and my sliding glass door will not stay on the track.

    I'm being driven slowly crazy by my dreams. Goodnight.

  • dizzylucy

    I have the 911 dream all the time. Something terrible or scary is happening and my hands move like they're in quicksand, or I'll dial 912 or something. It's very frustrating and depending on the situation in the dream, can be quite scary.

  • ViciousTrollop

    Yep. 912. All the time. It's so frustrating.

  • Uriah_Creep

    You might just need a special dialing wand, like the one Homer Simpson had to get that one time.

  • misslucyjane

    I dream a lot about houses, either that they're going to be attacked and I need to prepare the defenses, or that I'm exploring a house that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. One basically had London Below in the basement, for instance.

    I also have occasional dreams that I'm being attacked and wake myself up because I'm physically fighting my attacker off.

    (Yes, I'm under a lot of stress. I know what these dreams mean.)

  • As Dennis Reynolds said about dreams: 'It's like flipping through a stack of photographs - If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care'

  • ViciousTrollop

    I read that as Debbie Reynolds.

  • Bittermary

    My dreams tend to take place in post-apocalyptic surroundings, complete with incoming nuclear blasts, terrifying SS-type police forces, gas masks, fights for food AND zombies. I may need professional help.

  • stella

    I have a lot adventure dreams. Last week i dreamed my Dad and I were being ased by a wolf. And then dinosaurs were there. It was terrifying.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I don't really remember my dreams. But, when they're bad, there's usually lots of weird, Jason Bourne-style pointless running for some reason, or teeth falling out or something. Occasionally falling. Then, the only good ones I tend to remember are, um, you know, sex dreams.

    But I do have a thing where I'll be very nearly asleep and manage to dream up a spider in/above/near my bed, at which point I leap the fuck out of bed, possibly while yelling, throw the sheets back and turn on every possible light source. I then carefully survey the entire area to be sure there is, in fact, no spider, even though this happens routinely enough that I should know perfectly well there isn't one. Sometimes, I manage to be lucid enough that I realize what's happening and don't freak out, but most of the time I do.

  • chanohack

    The teeth-falling-out dream always terrifies me for DAYS.

  • hippyherb

    Ahhh, the spider dreams. My daughter and I have the same 'jump out of bed shrieking and hunting for the damn things' dreams.
    This has been going on for me since childhood. Fucking spiders.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I just want to say, first, that if that has happened twice now, that person is not your best friend. She is your competition for Dream Jon Stewart.

  • Brooke

    Two years ago I quit a job I'd been doing for eleven years. I have dreams about still working there but not knowing how to do the job at least twice a week. I also have dreams about racing around a huge house full of doors trying to throw all the locks before whatever I'm afraid of makes it through. I always barely stay one door ahead. The chewing gum dream is a common one for me, too. I wonder what it means for me?

  • emmalita

    I used to have dreams about my former workplace, usually I would walk into a room and find the former head of the department and gasp in horror. I'm glad those dreams have passed.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I have sometimes have dreams that I am back in Vancouver and teaching. It's odd and familiar and disconcerting.

  • chanohack

    I often go to the same places in my dreams. One recurring place is a gross, crowded public restroom/shower room, often co-ed, wherein I am trying to get dressed or take a shower or take a crap behind a really small door without being seen or touching anything.

    The other place I dream of very often is a trippy dreamland version of my Gran's house. When I was little, I thought Gran lived in a mansion because she had an upstairs and four bedrooms. Some of the rooms I was not allowed to go into. So Dreamland Gran's House naturally is a giant mansion with a million bedrooms and bathrooms and staircases, but I'm always trying to get into my Gran's room without being seen. So I can get into her closet. So I can get into the attic which is accessible from the closet. So I can get into the secret passageway in the attic that leads out through the roof and into the BEST. TREEHOUSE. EVER. EVER. EVER. (Actual Gran's House has none of these things, and neither she nor I have any idea why I continually dream about them.)

    I've never gotten there. Something always prevents me. Last time, Harry Potter and Voldemort started fighting IN the secret passageway and I was like, "GUYS, there are more important things afoot than your blood feud, and we're ALMOST THERE," and I convinced Harry to drop the drama but Voldemort wouldn't let up so we had to fight his selfish ass. Dammit.

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    That first paragraph, I have dreamt that sooo many times! I am also usually trying very hard to get somewhere for an appointment, or job interview or suchlike.

  • Berry

    My grandparents' house is appears a lot in my dreams too. It was not a mansion, just a normal, smallish farm-house. It tends to twist and turn in my dreams, rooms appear that weren't there and so on.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    A recurring dream I had was based on my grandparents' house, which was a farm in the Catskills. The road that passed by the house curved and there were tall trees on either side, so the road disappeared. My dreams were about following that road, and all sorts of adventures lay that way. In real life, the humble town of Callicoon lay that way.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Man, Voldemort always ruins everything. Such a buzzkill.

  • chanohack

    He really is the worst.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    You kicked his ass, though, right? And then left that Souldemort-y piece of crap in, like, a creepy doll display in the attic?

    I'm really fleshing out your trippy Gran house.

  • chanohack

    Harry and I beat him handily, but the real problem was that he ran out the clock on my dream and I didn't make it to the treehouse, AGAIN. Asshole. (And interestingly enough, my other Grandma makes porcelain dolls, so her house is crawling with dolls in various stages of completion and undress, from bone-white body parts and eyeballs to naked, wire-bodied dolls with ill-fitting wigs to perfect ribbon winners. And I never dream about that creepiness.)

  • PDamian

    I tend to dream of ex-boyfriends. They're not sexy dreams -- just dreams in which we're talking or walking somewhere. Depending on how the relationship ended, they're either good dreams or terrible dreams. So when I have them, I wake up thinking, "Oh, so good to see him again! Hope he's well!" or "Good Lord, hope I never bump into him again!"

    My favorite dream is my flight dream. I always dream of take-off: flapping my arms, running and running, then a big leap, and away I go. I don't dream of flying itself, but the anticipation and the buildup. Love it.

  • emmalita

    First, your best friend should never be allowed to call you when you might be sleeping unless she has Jon Stewart tied up and ready to get wanton and salacious with you. I approve of your dream lover and wish you best of luck with him.

    Second, I have lots of reoccurring imagery in my dreams, but the meaning and tone has changed over time. When I was little I used to have terrible nightmares about being at the mercy of an exceptionally smart shark or tiger. They would offer me the opportunity to entertain them or talk my way out of being prey, but I knew nothing I did had any real impact on them. I would keep talking hoping I could talk my way out of trouble, but I knew it was useless. I still dream about sharks and tigers sometimes, but they no longer talk to me or have power over me. Now they are more likely to be a companion, not friendly or threatening, just there.

  • chanohack

    I have a very similar dream relationship arc with zombies.

  • troublesometots

    I'm a full-time Mom who consistently dreams that I'm incapable of getting a job or I HAVE a job and I suck at it. So there's my anxiety about becoming un-employable laid bare for for your analysis.

    Oh and last week I had a dream that involved a massive make-out session with Bill Hader. No idea what that was about.

  • llp

    Bill Hader is kind of strangely hot, so a make-out session seems entirely apropos to me.

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