If I Had Two Point Five Million Dollars ...

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If I Had Two Point Five Million Dollars ...

By Mrs. Julien | Comment Diversions | February 9, 2013 | Comments ()


I think about winning the lottery a lot. Seriously, I've done research: In New Jersey, the cash pay out after taxes for MegaMillions is 55% of the advertised jackpot. Powerball is 47% owing to a longer (30 year) amortization period on the annuity payment option and therefore a smaller potential cash up front jackpot. Like I said, I think about it a lot. Some weeks, I spend upwards of $4 on tickets. I don't care about the odds. Somebody wins and it could be me, and I find entertainment value in imagining it. Do you?

Unfathomable amounts of instant wealth aren't the point here. The answer to someone asking "What would you do with $100 million dollars?" is, obviously, "Whatever the fuck I want and I said NO EYE CONTACT", so I'm going to scale it back, to 2.5 million smackers. Let's take the practical considerations, bills, as read -

First, everyone gets a pack of gum. Next, I go to Whole Foods and buy whatever I want. Then I buy something shiny in each of the each the vehicular and gemological categories: Audi and Asscher. I'll be killed in a fiery crash distracted by my glittering ring as my groceries and I careen toward my beach house (also new) in my finely-engineered German road sedan, but I'll die happy. Okay, fine, I'd have given money to an assortment of charities first. Dead, but generous.

So CONGRATULATIONS! You have just won $2.5 million, after taxes. What now?


Don't be one of those people who says they "would just keep working and sock it all away". If you have the temerity to spew such nonsense, I will reach through the internet and poke you in the eye with a sharpened stick.

Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)

Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)

Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his Pussy Posse Wolf Pack were on the douche prowl in NYC. (Lainey)

Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)

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