Pajiba

I HATE it when a woman in a movie says, "Hold me."

i hate the phrase "blood is thicker than water."
no matter the medium it is a phrase i could go the rest of my life without hearing.

--Bad smarmy wisecracks. Just caught myself watching Fucktastic Four 2 (I like the Surfer, up yours) and every time someone throws a punch there's the obligatory, "Surf's up!". People in real fights just yell fuck, shit, or fucking shit.

--Obvious cameos. See Wedding Crashers. If you didn't see Will Ferrell coming down as Chaz, punch yourself.

--Ever try shooting a pistol at something 50 yards away? Yeah, not gonna hit anything.

--Unnecessary English accents.

--Any time Gay Perry isn't in the picture, it's a loss.

I think the one that irks me the most is when a villain is holding a gun to a hostage's head (usually it's a girl, of course) and this makes the hero(es) completely powerless, and all they can do is bleat (thank you, Parker), "Let her go!"

Hey, fuckwads: He can't do anything to the hostage. Because as soon as he kills his hostage, he no longer has a hostage to keep you at bay. See how that works?

When, in the pilot episode of Firefly, Captain Mal takes one look at the hostage-taker holding helpless River with a gun to her head, and, without even breaking stride, shoots the bastard in the eye, I swear to you people I jumped up off my couch and CHEERED. That was the moment I fell in love with Captain Mal.

Didn't even break stride. Goddamnit, I miss the Cap'n.

The new trend of car crashes in movies being so over the top there is no way in hell anyone could possibly survive but miraculously everyone gets out without a scratch. Also pedestrians are able to run/duck to escape the lightning fast vehicular carnage.

Waking suddenly from a nightmare the protagonist sits straight up in bed, usually gasping and sweaty. NOTE: Ellen Ripley gets a pass for this one in "Aliens".

Escaping through the top of the elevator.

Escaping through the air ducts.

Escaping.

Any time a character (always the reluctant hero) forgets to remove the safety catch on their gun before firing at the bad guy. Also, any time a gun is dropped and for no reason at all fires when it lands. Bonus if that stray bullet manages to hit someone.

When "popular" musicians cameo on TV shows. The looks on the characters' faces just irritates the hell out of me.

Examples:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZdnyE-MeAE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClyX3GhZZSM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9OmGGxsUnA

Movies that ask you to believe something that is completely retarded as its premise. I have no problem with zombie movies, supernatural stuff, spy movies, etc. We've all agreed that there are rules for these imaginary things, so as long as they stay internally logical, I'm cool with it.

Horror movies are the most likely to fail the ridiculous standard. My kid was mad at me for saying Joyride was stupid because I thought it was insane to believe a trucker could hunt down three college students across several state lines all the while telegraphing his intent via CB radio. Sorry, that stretches the boundaries of belief much more than say, accepting that werewolves might have a blood feud with vampires.

superasente got mine: releasing the trigger of the gun long after you point it at someone.

Oh no sir, I wasn't going to shoot you. I was just pointing my gun at you. But what you said in the last minute and a half really hurt my feelings. Now I am so displeased with you that pointing this here gun at your face isn't enough. I am going to blow your fucking brains out.

Sigh. That's just lazy writing.

Buildings don't have ducts you can walk in. They don't have drainage pipes you can crawl in. They don't have trash chutes you can slide down. They don't have magic computer systems that shut down everything. They don't have motion sensors in fancy laser arrays that they keep on all the time and don't monitor. They don't have massive fans turning slowly for no apparent reason. They don't hav elevators you can climb out of without setting off alarms. They don't have elevators that fall without stopping, through redundant safety systems. They don't have extensive camera systems that allow you to see and hear everything in the building after you've hacked their system from your superdupercomputer in your fire truck. They don't have floors, ceilings or walls that you can cut huge chunks out of without interrupting several services such as the lights, sprinklers or storm water drains. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE NO ONE EVER WALKS INTO A DAMN BUILDING AND SAYS "This bomb is right next to a load bearing wall. This guy knew what he was doing." There are very, very few buildings above three stories built with load bearing walls and none with magic load bearing walls that can take the whole building down.

Buildings do have cool, suave architects who are always sharply dressed and driving classic restored cars though. That part is entirely true.

I know our school system sucks, but come on people.
My first out-loud laugh of the day.

I thought Big Ben was in New Jersey! Isn't that where it is?

There are very, very few buildings above three stories built with load bearing walls and none with magic load bearing walls that can take the whole building down.

Buildings do have cool, suave architects who are always sharply dressed and driving classic restored cars though. That part is entirely true.

Posted by: mrcreosote at April 3, 2010 6:13 PM
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*fans self rapidly*

You know what is load bearing?

Me.

On-topic, I hate when they work the title of the film into the dialogue.

I hate that I watched that entire clip of the Backstreet Boys on Sabrina The Teenaged Witch and I hate that now I'm going to click on the other two links to see what they are. DAMN YOU, YOUTUBE!

Oh crepe, they were all Sabrina clips. I was SO hoping for some Peach Pit After Dark action.

On a related note, I SWEAR to take it easier on the shite kids today are watching. It's good to be reminded what utter bollocks was on when I was growing up (and that I watched it). Except for you, Twilight! NO FREE PASSES FOR ABUSiVE, STALKING VAMPIRES. (except Spike)

A few more cliches I can live without.

"I'm going to go to the cops and tell them EVERYTHING! Do you hear me? EVERYTHING!"

(ends up getting shot 10 seconds later)

All time bombs are required, by law, to have a large LED display that counts down so the hero knows exactly how much time he has.

Also, if you're the hero, you are fully qualified to disarm the damned thing. No need getting those poor bomb squad boys out of bed, after all. Let them sleep a bit longer.

I almost hate to bring this up, but it always bothers me with parents don't tell their kids they love them in movies/TV. If it's part of the character, that they're closed off parents, that's OK, but sometimes (usually before something happens to the child) the parent is shown tucking the child into bed, kissing them on the forehead and then turning out the light (wistful look backwards optional.) If a parent is going to all that trouble, wouldn't they toss in a "Love you!" before leaving?

Did other people's parents really act like this? My family was easily more vengeful and dysfunctional than anyone else I knew, but I was frequently told I was loved as a kid. Maybe I was lucky.

Cameos in which the famous person is playing themselves and the other characters go out of their minds with excitement and rhapsodize about that famous person for a full minute. See Zombieland and The Hangover. I'm not saying I wouldn't be just as ecstatic if I met Bill Murray, but on film, it's just damned awkward.

Also, that one strategically placed eff-bomb in a PG-13 movie. It's always obvious and amped up for maximum dramatic effect. This is because there can only be one "fuck" in a PG-13 film, and it cannot be used sexually. Them's the rules. As Good As it Gets is the only exception that I know of.

Answering machines in homes filled with stuff you and NASA could only dream of so we can hear the important stuff/explication/reason for why people will or will not meet/etc.

When all six-year olds and Grammies in the world have QWERTY phones, when in the darkest parts of the jungle where the aboriginals are texting their language of hoots and clicks, the movie's protagonist will get all Luddite with the receiving of messages. Uh huh.

But then, Jelinas, that same device is AWESOME in Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. You've got red on you.

Mmm, and welcome back, RD-DayJ.

And, Wandering Parakeet, my parents never would say, "I love you" after sending us off to bed. We kids would just have felt awkward. We're Asian, you see.

Movies and TV shows where you can just tell the "clever" punny title was the basis for the whole outline of the movie/show. I'm sure you know what I mean and I'm sure you can cite some examples.

SPOILER!!!!!

In any other hospital show/movie, when there's an equipment malfunction that threatens the life of a patient, the room screams like an air-raid siren. At the end of "Million Dollar Baby," Clint Eastwood unplugs Hillary Swank and walks out of the hospital to blissful silence. I might even have turned to Mrs. , and said, "Oh, come ON! No alarm?"

Also, there's a camera thing that happens all the time. Say the character is standing at the kitchen island. There's a long shot where we can see she's slicing bread. Then: cut to closeup of hands and knife, just to make GOOD AND GADDAM SURE we can see she's slicing bread. Then: cut back to long shot of character, slicing bread. I think this is often done with a character lighting a match, I can't be certain though because I got into an immediate blinding fit. I have FUCKING EYES, you morons, I can SEE.

I swear film editors all have ADHD. My head hurts when I try to watch trailers. That's kind a cliche in itself now, isn't it, every 120-second trailer has 360 jump cuts.

What Daventhal said.

Also, when high school characters who are cheerleaders or football players or wear some sort of uniform walk around all day every day in their uniforms. Glee does this and it drives me crazy! In my high school, the only time a cheerleader wore her uniform on a regular school day was the day of a game, and usually because we were having a pep rally at the end of the day. Yes, we get it, the character's a cheerleader, you don't have to keep reminding us!

cib, you're absolutely right, and I don't mind it when it's well done. I just haaaaaaaaaate it when it's not. I can't even really explain what makes it well done in SotD and HF and not in Disney movies, except that it's the cheese factor. What makes something ossom, and what makes it cheesy?

I really can't tell you. I just know it when I see it, that's all.

how come in the rare chance you catch the bad guy alive and take him to jail you never see them go through a war crime trial like Hitler's remaining henchmen faced?

Normal-sized girls being labelled as "overweight."

Long, drawn-out conversations between adversaries at gunpoint. (*See anything Nic Cage has ever been in). Honestly, JUST FUCKING SHOOT. No need to go over explanations, answer questions, delve into finer plot points that the director was too lazy to include in the first hour and a half of the movie.

Also, no bathroom breaks. EVER. People never seem to have to piss, shit or change their tampon(s).

Ahahaha!!! lainieSis, I toooootally know what you mean, and that is indeed super-irritating.

I just thought of another one. I hate in when characters are on the phone and hang up without saying goodbye. And that's with people they know, people they don't know, people they work with, friends, family, business contacts, anybody.

Sometimes they'll say something really quick and then hang up. Other times, they'll sit silently for a reeeeaaaally long time before hanging up.

Either way, if of my friends did that to me in real life, we wouldn't be friends for much longer.

(p.s. Jelinas my (one of many) sweetheart, that may or may not have been me disguised as Centipede Part Three earlier in the week.)

No one has yet to call out the independent woman who can only be a party planner/fashion designer/personal assistant yet, right? Or that the skinny, nebbish guy is always a whiz with computers and is probably a programmer? Or that the Jewish guy always, always, ALWAYS has a New York City accent?

This comment diversion is seriously impairing my ability to watch movies this weekend. For crissakes, its LOTR/Ten Commandments tonight and I'm being critical to the point of self-immolation. Anyone else having that problem?

I'm also calling out the animals who are way too smart in the movies. A dog is a dog, they don't know how to go into the fridge and fetch a beer, or a horse can't magically find you on a riverbed and make its way to your exact destination with you passed out on its back.

Oh, RD-DayJ, I am crushin' SO. HARD. On you. Right now.

And, so, that you were masquerading as Segment Three earlier -- I never thought I would've been attracted to someone masquerading as the receiving end of a Human Centipede, but... rowr.

When people never say "goodbye" at the end of phone conversations, they just know when to simultaneously hang up.

When one character has an URGENT!IMPORTANT!SECRET! they must divulge to another character, said character then spends 2 hours travelling to the first persons location only to get another IMPORTANT CALL/TEXT and leave 2 minutes later while Person 1 says "oh, I'll tell you later, it can wait". At the next scene, Person 2 then finds out the URGENT!IMPORTANT!SECRET! Person 1 was hiding from them, and has a hissy fit. Gossip Girl is ridiculous with this, there should be a drinking game for every time Nate gets called away from a scene he took 5 hours getting to.

Dexter also overused this in season 4 when he kept getting effing calls all the time, how about NOT ANSWERING once in a while so you don't do your killings so half-assedly?

^ ack, beaten to it. Shows how annoying it is though.

I read a magazine article about the murder that inspired the movie "Boys Don't Cry." The real-life knuckleheads who killed Brandon Tina stopped their car on a bridge and threw the gun out the window.

In Nebraska.

In winter.

The river was frozen solid, of course, so the cops just walked out on the ice and picked up the gun.

The killers weren't the brightest bulbs in the marquee, but still, the guy who wrote the story said he pondered again and again why they would do something so incredibly boneheaded, and concluded that the only thing that made any sense was that they threw the gun off a bridge because in TV and movies, the killer always throws the gun off a bridge.

Oh oh, insensitive (and usually fat) husband being a jerk to his (often hot) wife but she always turn around and forgive him because she "loves" him. Hon, true love is not about being treated like a doormat, grow a fucking spine.

protoformX - Blood IS thicker than water. Thats why you have to soak your ritual garments in cold water and bleach...

I HATE the 'All women reeeeaaalllly want to meet Mr. Right and get Maaaarrriiiieed' thing.
Just put a ring on that finger girls, all your troubles will be OVER.
Yeah. Not so much.
Oh, And the BIG FANCY WEDDING TO END ALL WEDDINGS.
I Just.Don't. Get it.

(delurking :)) Maybe not so much a cliché, but I hate it when characters get out of their car and do not lock it. Mulder and Scully also did it all the time. Do you not lock your cars in America?

And when a room, building or entire city is being wrecked for a fight or a chase, I cannot stop thinking: who's gonna clean that shit up? But maybe that's just me, and I have some kind of OCD about cleaning up.

And while I'm on the computer thing, it pisses me off when you can see someone typing away, then it cuts away to show what they've typed and their fingers went nowhere near the correct keys. I mean, Christian Bale gains/loses the equivalent of a whole person's worth of weight; dudes learn how to swordfight and ride horses and play guitar and do krav maga and shit as part of their acting training - what's so fucking difficult about learning to accurately type, something that most regular people can do semi-competently already?

Whoa. I think I'm starting to drift into Itchy & Scratchy ribcage-xylophone levels of film-related Asperger's Syndrome. Glayvin.

As far as the "loser/nerd/generally unattractive guy gets attractive smart woman" thing:

I'm not going to rehash the numerous real life couples that manage to do that (both versions are readily pointed out), or mention the major reason most clubs have dim lighting and copious amounts of alcohol.

I am just going to point out the REAL problem with those portrayals on TV/film: we don't see why we should like these people, and we definitely don't see why they should like each other.

Comedies are particularly bad about this. They are so focused on the HI-larious "opposites" aspect, that they forget about the "attract" until the last few minutes, when they slap some line in about the person being sweet or what have you. At least with equally-attractive people, your brain can accept that sexual appeal alone is good enough; it is bullshit, of course, but within the standard suspension of disbelief, it is easier to hand-wave.

The couples aren't unrealistic because they differ so greatly in their looks or money; they are unrealistic because of bad character development.

Computer-related one: just any fast typing EVER. Especially during "hacking" scenes. Fuck off.

Let's ignore the continuously blatant ignorance of how hacking works, which is more "rock-paper-scissors" (I build a wall, you build a way around the wall, I build something to stop that, etc.) than the "tennis" model (you serve, I volley, rinse and repeat until someone misses). This is my biggest problem with it:

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO USE A GODDAMN MOUSE? EVEN A TRACKBALL IN THIS SHIT?!?!?!!!

The only people who use keyboard shortcuts over a mouse at this point in computer life are a) folks who don't have a working mouse, b) computer hipsters showing off their leet skills or c) MMORPG and RTS players that have macros. And even those in (c) STILL USE A MOUSE A LOT OF THE TIME. But just about every computer-related scene I see, everyone is fast-typing, and barely touch a mouse THAT IS CLEARLY SHOWN. If they were typing a paper (or an overly-long comment), fine. But not using a mouse during a high-tension scene where a few clicks of a mouse is somehow SLOWER and LESS EFFECTIVE than typing at lightning speed with NO ERRORS while the tracers are coming at you? Fuck that.

That reminds me of another one: they are typing as fast as anyone can, and yet don't make any spelling or syntax errors. All the commands and what have you go through like butter. I had a teacher that can literally process 30-pages code in his head and tell you the one missed variable call that will crash the program immediately, and even HE double-checks his work. Hell, that is why he is so good!

No real programmer speeds through code like that. If they are super-fast it is probably due more to rote memorization of common functions than anything.

Even in a movie-logic way, it makes no sense. You are telling me that the bad guy's up-til-now impenetrable security, the system he spent years and millions of dollars to develop and implement, the system that makes the Pentagon weep in envy, can be hacked in less than 20 minutes by some anti-social MIT reject? Or the other way: the bad guy's virus/rogue AI circumvents just about everything you throw at it without fail, except that one-in-a million hail mary speed-code run?

GAH!!!!!!!!

In horror movies particularly gay people always die, however they rarely die in a "lame" way if that makes sense. They are the ones that give their lives fighting the monster/killer/alien and make sure that the other people can escape. I am not giving up my life for other people that's stupid, I would fight with the other people sure but no suicide missions.

Mostly lesbians who fight bravely, gay men are fucked.

Ooh, ooh! Just witnessed another one: when movies/shows use Spanish speaking actors portraying the wrong nationality. Granted, unless you know it won't bug you, but Spanish accents are incredibly diverse and you can pretty much pinpoint someone's native country in 5 or less words by their accent. Soooo sick of Mexican actors being passed off as Colombians or Spanish (Europe) actors pretending to be Mexican.

It is awesome how this diversion has turned into a housing of long-winded seething diatribes. You can feel the hate coming through the screen to punch you in the face.

I never noticed the mouse thing Vermillion but it's brilliant. I also hate how quickly people get shit done on computers--yes I know you need to move quickly within the confines of a movie/TV show, but computers don't instantly turn on, nor is the important file location conveniently propped up on a desktop shortcut.

As for Ed's "Actors who basically play themselves in every movie they're in - ". Christ this annoys the piss out of me. Isn't the whole point of acting to PORTRAY SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF. I'd love to see a comprehensive list of these kinds of actors so we can hunt them down and contractually limit them to straight-to-DVD fare.

Accents/Language choice drives me bonkers.

The "It's a movie set in ancient blah de blee, so let's use English accents" cliche.

"Alexander" was a great example of this -- you had Angelina Jolie making up her own fucking accent to be all exotic -- "Alexanderrrrr, in my womb I borrre my avengerrr." And his father was vaguely English/Irish/Scottish or some shit. I think that was Val Kilmer trying to act. And Colin Farrell was too busy flaring his nostrils and rolling his eyes to concentrate on what the hell his accent was supposed to be.

Or, "It's a movie set in Europe, so let's have ONE PERSON in the WHOLE FILM speak in the accent from that country. And everyone else can sound vaguely English, so we know it's foreign, except for the American actors that can't do accents."

The Three Musketeers nearly gave me an aneurysm. One Musketeer had an English accent, one had a French accent, and one was Malkovich, so he had that weird ass Malkovich mumble going on. They are FROM THE SAME FUCKING COUNTRY.

Oh, and if you have a bunch of people that are all from a non-English speaking country sitting around a table and talking, why on earth would they talk in accented English? For whose benefit?!? They should speak in their native tongue! Why in God's name would Sean Connery a.) play a Russian, and b.) use English for all his lines when the Russians spoke Russian for the first little bit of the movie?!? Even when speaking to other Russians!

My absolutely favorite exception to all this crap is Inglorious Basterds. There were so many smart, character driven choices as to who spoke what language when, and for what purposes.

I hate when the male lead tells his wife to wait somewhere while he checks things out (leaving her all by herself). This just isn't going to happen, unless she is in a locked car and you are absolutely sure no one can get her. This happened a couple times in The Crazies and drove me nuts.

Julia Roberts pretending to be Julia Roberts. It's just fucking stupid.

The "dead/absent parents" in Disney are actually a continuation of the fairy tale tradition. Otherwise, the kids would NEVER get to have adventures, because their responsible, loving parents would have the lil' scamps' asses in bed by 9 p.m.

Think about it: name me one kids' movie that would have worked the same if there had been two stable parents riding herd on the kids.

wspanin:
Mr. Incredible was lying to his wife and family, breaking the law to satisfy his own mid-life crisis. It ended up putting himself and his loved ones in danger. Not exactly keeping things stable.
And like you said, Andy in Toy Story doesn't count because the movie wasn't about him, he wasn't the central character.

My point is....If Andy wasn't the central character and the story really had nothing to do with him, why couldn't he have two parents?

And with The Incredibles...at least there were two parents providing, at least, the semblance of a stable home. Neither of the parents were killed in a tragic way thus sending the children on their epic adventure. Which is what happens in every other Disney made or distributed movie.

I stand by my conclusion.

Characters that outrun the explosion/fireball as it's billowing outward.Ain't no way you're going to get away from that. Your ass is toast!

Annabanana, I'm from rural Western Kansas and I can assure you there are still people who leave their cars unlocked when they get out. In fact a lot of people leave their keys in the ignition as well, and sometimes even leave the cars running if it's a quick errand. It's one of my favorite things about going home-- the trust in your community.

And my gripe? The low-level henchmen that get their asses kicked by the Unstoppable Hero when they were just following orders and doing their job. I know they had to be got past, but did you have to throw him through a plate glass window/off a roof/break his spine? He was just trying to pay the bills, man.

Character A and Character B are having a disagreement. Character A tells Character B to get the hell out. B turns and begins to do so. As B is leaving, A screams "GO!" or "JUST GO!" or "GET OUT!" at B's retreating back.

He was already on his way out, dude! No reason to be rude.

I hate the way sex is misused. You are either a virgin or a slut. No inbetween. What about representing the people who enjoy sex in a healthy way? We are out there! Also, you can tell when two characters are going to have sex, they always make very significant eye contact. Mr wildflower and I point and laugh, "Well, they are going to do It, they just looked at each other". Really, this is all it takes.

I hate when characters don't turn off the lights when they're supposed to be hiding or spying on someone. Just saw 30 Days of Night, and a group of people hide in the attic with the lights on. The window is only papered, and it's got a torn piece. The better to look out of and create a beam of light for the vampires to follow.

Duckandcover, just because someone is "normal sized" as in the statistical norm in a country with a lot of extreme obesity, doesn't mean she isn't overweight per definition, a BMI over 25, which will increase health risks!

Some young punk is in a pool competition-wins a few games against the surely guileless fellow who has been at the pool table all day-double or nothing-oh he's a pool shark, I'm fucked from a great height-gotta call stern authority figure to drive to the hall and fix that pool shark's wagon-oh, this authority figure isn't just a square hardass, he saved me and looked kickass while doing it.

Who gives a shit? Just take his thumbs.

The embattled couple is having a very emotionally-charged conversation at a really big event. The person who turns out to be 'The One' asks his partner a Big Question, and not only is the questioned party the subject of quizzical looks, but when the couple turn their heads and pause, it turns out that every Tom, Dick and Rossiter is huddled together with very wide eyes as if to say, 'of course this is some of our business, of course we have nothing better to think about.'

Who gives a shit? Just take their thumbs.

Two dates on the same night for the same event? Uh-oh! Mayhem ensues.

Who gives a shit(x2)? Just take his thumb (but make sure the other thumb doesn't know about it).

Oh my hell, my cool-headed and prepared wife has just gone into labour and I can't get my shit together! Oh, I've driven off without her! Oh, spite! Oh, malady! I'm sure she'll be as patient when she's at 10 centimetres. I'm sure she won't say, 'get this thing out of me'. or 'if you ever touch me again, I'll kill you'. Oh, sympathy pains, oh my phantom ovaries! Oh this Lamaze is making me light-headed...

Who gives a shit? Just put his inefficient ass on the curb, I'll make sure to run over him with my car later. That's called community.

'Yeah, my parents are out of town. Of course there's going to be a party. But don't tell anyone, I want to keep it small. Oh no, that drunk kid broke my mother's Beauclerc Lamprey Serving Dish. The Normans are going to have my back broke'.

Who gives a shit? I'm not even your real father.

How could you possibly think that Mr. O'Feely has ulterior motives? He is a sweet and urbane gentleman who likes me for my mind. Is it so shocking to you that that could happen? Maybe if you tried to expose yourself to some culture once in a while I wouldn't have to make these friends of which you're so disapproving. Oh, you were right, he's a sex offender.

Who gives a shit? Some bored, self-infatuated housefrau got it into her head that she's Fermat reincarnate, and all of the babies and belching are starving her of her ivory tower entitlements.

You're just jealous. You've always been the one to get all of the attention and now that someone finally wants me over you, you have to sabotage it? Oh, I saw him try to make a pass at you just there. My dumb. Let's never let a man come between us again (unless it's on video, POW!)

Who gives a shit? You've got a goitre the size of Pangaea, why are you allowed to talk?

Hate to interrupt, but this is just beautiful.

"Killers From Space," a terrible 1954 SF film starring a young Peter Graves, was the featured cheese last night on "The It's Alive! Show" and the last scene is a must see for this thread:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7140333716173454857#

Skip the rest of this awful shlockfest and fast-forward to the 1:09:00 mark. Wait for the explosion at 1:09:15 and the window at 1:09:30.

"Nuke the fridge" has nothing on this.

You'll thank me.

'You know, ever since I was a little girl...'

Who gives a shit? Shutup, shutup, shut, shut, shutup!

That 'Killers From Space' video is one of the the dumbest things I've ever seen.

Thank-you.

But if you want REAL schlock, look up 'Here Comes Tobor'.

'Look out, folks: HERE...COMES...TOBOR!!!'

I've only been eavesdropping on this conversation for long enough to come to the (incorrect) conclusion that our love is never meant....to BE! I must make my anguished exit into the inclement night.

Who gives a shit? Heathcliff is SO not a prize, let him go.

The more that I eat, the more I want? As I live and breathe! What did you say was in your grammy's special brownies? Oh, wow. The colours!

Who gives a shit? That's not pot, it's arsenic and I knew your grubby little Bovary talons would try to scam some while I wasn't looking. It looks like St. Boniface's is going to have one less orphan to feed, Shy Pete.

So, after all of our terrible adventures and time travel, we've saved the day and can come home. 'Um, nah. I think I'm going to kick it with the invertebrates rather than return to that calloused world I knew with its indoor plumbing and polio vaccines.

Who gives a shit? Finding your bliss isn't about searching out the era that would have the least cause or ability contest or fend you off. The best Ganymede Fleet is the one made invisible through your own machinations. You also have to have something to offer. Gauguin had the Lust For Paint, but in Tahiti he had the anonymity that made it possible to knowingly infect all of those teenage pretties with syphilis and today be mainly remember for--not that. Revenge of the Syph.

I'd say to take their dessicated old uteri and put it on an ice floe, or perhaps immolate it in a Viking longboat. But Father Time has ravished your womb already, so I'm not needed here.

Now THAT's poetry. Love it.

Very true, coveredinbees. I suppose that the proof of the pudding is in the fact that Linton Heathcliff proved that the apple doesn't rot far from the tree. I have very little patience for that Byronic pissy contempt for mankind. You see a would-be sweetie devouring Childe Harold rapturously, you look the other way: there's no happy ending for you in that direction. And that whole 'Cousins Dangereux' denouement was kind of icky, customary for the time or not. Although, given the incestuous proclivities of Lord Byron, it makes sense. But I mean, he had that club foot, too. Are we supposed to go sledgehammer hunting? That would truly be...a Hammer Horror (booo, hiss, feckin' hell!)

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Our divorced parents have found love, let's ruin it!
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People may ask: Do you have a message for the children? Yes, I do: shutup. Or, it is when I see this kind of dross.

Dear Deity of Maudlin Family Fare,

My daddy works so as not be a drain on society. This means that he missed five of the seventeen Rosicrucian Tea-Parties that I held on the moon at noon-fall last, and there is the very real possibility that he could miss the impromptu seminar I'm holding by the abandoned lime caves called 'Untraceable Tinctures Made Easy' next week. I know that he'll say that he finds it difficult to make it up the treehouse, on account of the deficiency of folic acid in his mother's system while he was in utero, but he seemed pretty spry when I hurled that bottle of naptha at him. He told ex-mommy about it, and she said that that is what happens when you keep putting your shingles before your daughter's Illuminati conventions. I just can't get him to stay in one spot until after the laudanum has kicked in, and I'm really tired of using de Quincey as a road map to my daddy's pathology. The Berlioz Symphonie Fantastique doesn't help either, I just find the notion of an idee fixe to be ham-handed, I can't change that. Maudlin Deity, is there some way that I can get my daddy to pay more attention to me, short of trapping him in that gibbet I restored last month and forcing him into watching Suspiria with me again? I'm seven. Please systematically dismantle my daddy's life so that he'll be filled with awe and wonder about all of the stupid piddle and shit I do all the time that doesn't matter to anyone, ever.

Yours Truly,
Some Mugging and Obnoxious Overacting Arse

Who gives a shit? I swear, if it weren't for those antibiotics...

We have to pretend that we're a real couple, but it's all a ruse, right? What? I'm not jealous of your date, why would I be? Fight, fight, fight. Duped party learns the truth, fallout, true feelings revealed. Commence the fucking.

Who gives a shit? STIs aren't shower-proof.

Oh poor Hareton, puppy-stranglers need love too.

I really hate it when films claim to be historical and get the history just completely wrong. I wouldn't mind it so much except that I know the population at large is going to think the story is accurate. To date there have been no historical records that indicate a Roman Emperor was ever killed fighting a gladiator (Gladiator); colonial's during the French Indian war were not all about independence from England (almost every American movie that takes place before the revolution); King Edward I was not evil, he never granted premanuctra, and the princess was 2 when William Wallace was killed (Braveheart); etc. The list goes on and on. How hard is it to get history right?

Also, The insert ethnic group movie title staring the Hollywood white boy.

The Mexican staring Brad Pitt, not Mexican.
The Last Samurai staring Tom Cruise, not Japanese.
The Last of the Mohicans staring Daniel Day-Lewis, not a Mohican. Now, the Mohicans are extinct but they could have at least gotten a native-American.

Bah.

Thanks ",". That was beautiful!

Who gives a shit? An a-bomb just went off less than 10 miles from us and our window is open. See? The blindes moved from the gentle breeze wafting our way!

Posted by: Uncle JR at April 4, 2010 7:41 PM
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Innit? It's almost better than the end of "Predator." I guess they kind of fall into the "walking away from a huge explosion" cliche.

More madness!

As soon as you see a film called 'Gerunding Jo 'Mama'', you'll know the end times have come. I hope you've got duct tape.

Who gives a shit? Maybe you don't, but can you say that to all of the scotch and masking tape widows out there? There's no carpenter's glue for the beating heart, I learned this at the last M and M.

Jo Mama Besser: I have studied a great deal of history and I was under the impression that they have never actually proved that prima noctis existed as a right in feudal times and I certainly don't remember anything in history that mentioned that Edward I brought it back into style. As for how to judge history, I try not to cast judgment, or if I do, to try and judge based on the context of the time. By modern standards most of the kings of yore would be seen as immoral, brutal louts, but judging them with a modern perspective is not going to be helpful in understanding them or their actions.

Lauren: Good to know about The Mexican. In all fairness, I have never seen it, in large part because I found the name and cast so displeasing. Perhaps now I will give it a shot.

Yeah, so, I recently had in real life one of those airport scenes when the long lost/separated/finally get to meet lovers spot each other across the baggage claim/terminal and rush into each others arms... Close up of passionate kiss that fills up your whole soul...
Seriously, nobody gave a SHIT. No applause. Nada.
But it was awwwwesoooome.

"I should have killed you when I had the chance."
hindsight's 20/20 asshole.

> Bedsheets that are apparently L-shaped to properly cover the female's breasts while showcasing the male's abtacular-ness.

> There was once a thread on here about the tomboy/tough girl/street-smart character. Also, their being almost always from a minority group. [i.e., everything Michelle Rodriguez has ever done, Torres from Lie to Me]

> minor irk: Lighting a cigarette and then stubbing it out three seconds later. For a smoker, that's just a waste of perfectly shiny tobacco, dude.

"I'd like that". Ugh...nobody says that.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at April 5, 2010 7:48 AM
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Hah! Except for "Up In The Air," when does ANYONE have to deal with airport security?

GreenMyEyes,

I've had a lot of IVs and blood drawn lately and there hasn't been a single nurse who wasn't EXTREMELY careful and managed to do it with a minimum of pain. Those people (your people) are saints.

"Gimme a beer."

When was the last time that EVER worked for ANYONE?!? Unless you are getting ripped under a water tower in the backwoods of Schoolcraft, MI, bars usually have more than one type of beer available.

I always chuckle.

Maybe already mentioned, but I hate it when a movie/TV show shows an elevator with a helpful little light-up indicator over it to tell you where the elevator actually is (ie, 2nd floor, 6th floor, and you can see it moving up or down as the different floor designations light up). Every time I see it, I sneer at the writer/director/producers.

I have never seen anything remotely like this in real life. I live in a part of the country with lots of modern elevators (dating probably to the mid '80s), so maybe this is a feature of ancient elevators that I'm just not familiar with, but I live in a fairly large metro area with lots of tall buildings (Dallas) and have never once seen one of these things in real life. I wish. It would be nice to know how much longer I have to wait for a goddam elevator. People in movies should have to wonder too. This bothers me more than the nonexistent air ducts in buildings that are big enough for an adult to crawl through.

RE Morgan LaFai: Also, The insert ethnic group movie title staring the Hollywood white boy.
The Mexican staring Brad Pitt, not Mexican.
The Last Samurai staring Tom Cruise, not Japanese.
The Last of the Mohicans staring Daniel Day-Lewis, not a Mohican. Now, the Mohicans are extinct but they could have at least gotten a native-American.

Someone already mentioned "The Mexican" (a gun, not a person, in the movie). The titular character in "Last of the Mohicans" (which was a book first) was indeed a Mohican, not a white person. I don't know about the samurai movie, never saw it.

Late to the party so my apologies if it's already penned, but I CANNOT STAND Andi McDowell's line at the end of Four Weddings and a Funeral (also couldn't stand her in the role).
It's raining, and after some absurd proclomations, when Hugh Grantinvites her in, out of the rain, and she says....(breathe)...."Is it raining? I didn't notice."

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH! I'm bleeding out my eye sockets right now! So much PAIN!

I hate that, even in the supposedly most secretive organizations on earth, all the computer passwords are all alphabetic, all upper case, and are evidently never required to change.

Hmmm...shower looks like shower. LOL
I also hate to see people eat cereal on tv or in movies. It always grosses me out. Actually, this grosses me out in real life, too. I just discovered a pet peeve I didn't realize I had.

Oh god, my list would be endless! If I could be arsed.
But I can't, so I'll do the short version.

The L-shaped sheet.
Women who have sex with their bra on.
Men who have sex with their underpants on.
Air ducts big enough for Bruce Willis to crawl through.
Cars which explode if you tap them lightly.
Ridiculously unrealistic shit to do with PCs (and with computers in general).
Fruit cart (though you don't see that one much any more...)
"It's complicated".
Nobody ever says goodbye on the phone, they just hang up.
They never lock their cars, either.
The 555 area code.

.... and that's enough for now...

Hey, I've had sex with my bra on! Are you calling me some kind of walking cliche, Tarn? If you are, I'll have you know that I have successfully avoided any cliched airport reunions. The first time that someone came to visit me after a couple of months away, I didn't even recognize him until he had walked up beside me and stood there for a minute.