Pajiba

I got dumped a few years ago by my first ever boyfriend. I took refuge in sports and reading through the twenty novels in the Patrick O'Brien's Aubrey-Maturin series. If you're in a marching band, it's more therapeutic to actually watch the over-grown man-children in tight pants run into each other at high speeds, rather than moping in your wool pajamas in the stands.

I also got a fuck buddy, which had mixed results, and I recommend that anyone with a mind toward this option make sure the guy is not a douchebag, an egomaniac, or a sociopath, and especially not all of these together.

LOTS of angsty music, second-guessing, self-loathing, alcohol consumption and solo nights out to hear live music... after which, I always feel much, much better.

restraining order

Oh, and don't forget the ritual removal from all social-interactive websites.

It's a brave new century.

If I remember correctly it was a three way with two guys named Ben and Jerry. Those chocolate fishes and cows hurt like hell until they melt, though.

Oh yeah, forgot about the porn part. Porn and sugar-free vanilla wafers ovah heah!

Last break up: Last week. Also the same week they announced layoffs at work. It was a stellar week for Codger. The answer? Wine and chocolate ice cream. For dinner. On Saturday, wine and chocolate ice cream for lunch. A cathartic gin drunk with Favorite Neighbor for dinner. Sunday a solemn decision that I don't give a fuck about being friends, followed by erasure from electronic modes of contacts. By Monday? Scheduling as many dates as possible for the upcoming weekend..... Tuesday. Over it.

If at all possible, LEAVE THE COUNTRY. Seriously. When my first serious college boyfriend dumped me OVER THE PHONE after three frickin' years together, the thing that got me over it was the fact that I was leaving for Mexico in three days to work on a professor's archaeological dig for the summer. Lots of booze, not having to deal with my normal routine or see or do anything that would inspire the weepies, and cute archaeologists in shorts did wonders for me.

Bags of popcorn and repeated viewings of Reign of Fire.

I definitely agree with PaleoLithchick.

My last breakup involved drinking heavily and going to my family's lake house for 2 weeks. Then I got into working out and boxing, which lead to the satisfaction of being way hotter than the girl my ex started dating 2 weeks after we broke up....and the ability to beat the shit out of him.

"The Breakup Song (They Don't Write 'Em Like That Anymore)"

Really, the breakup I remember best wasn't mine, it was my senior-year roommate's. He had this awesome ex-cheerleader girlfriend who would blow him, and for whom I would have dragged my 'nads over broken glass.

Soon's I gradjitated, he split with her and went back to his high school GF; or so I heard. I didn't find this out for much too long after.

Oh, and he still has some of my concert T-shirts (Rush, "2112"; Bob Seeger).

Motherfucker. I owe him a punch in the throat and one in the balls but it's been 30 years and I expect to never see him again.

I just want to specify... making porn or watching it?

I've had to deal with a lot of misery in my 17 years, but my advice for what it's worth is to follow this guide:

1. Pick up a large pizza.
2. Eat the pizza.
3. Sleep.
4. Spend the next day eating the worst crap you can find.
5. Sleep.
6. Go to a heavy metal concert, find a hookup, and party like you don't know your own misery.
7. Sleep, preferably with someone.
8. Move on, and never look back.

If I ever get the chance to do this, I'll let you know how much fun it is, in the meantime, I'm dealing with what is most likely bronchitis.

Oh it totally works, figgy, at least in the sense that you're too busy being pissed off at the new guy to care that the old one's dating your friend.

Hang out with Sabrina?

Why, are you in a band?

These all sound very good. If I can remember correctly (it was a long time ago, but before you throw zombie bits while yelling boo-urns at me, I am currently manning a guillotine...one more f*cking thing, and the foot, she is coming down!)...um...let's see, where was I?

Oh yes:
1. Pet Shop Boys 'Always On My Mind'; Mary Margaret O'Hara, Miss America, (all of it); Liz Phair, Exile In Guyville
2. Make VERY bad/appalling artwork about your feelings.
3. Throw away the art.

Then, collect three good friends. Warn them you are ALL GOING OUT. Then, get dressed utterly recklessly and hit a place with the music you'll jump to. (It's okay if it's oldies/classic 80's, it doesn't matter what or where, just that you go.)

Your friends must keep you drunk enough to flirt stupidly and with abandon, dance until you kinda hurt yourself a few times, and keep your top up. Then they must judge your breaking point, take you home to a safe couch, and secretly watch movies while pretending to listen to your woes.

You'll feel much better if you physically crunch out that pain. Exercising is also pretty good for revenge, but emoting it all out through dance? It's the best.

The A&E version of Pride and Prejudice and hate sex. Good times.

My advice - Listen to whatever your brand of music happens to be, loudly. And sing along, loudly. While drinking your alcoholic beverage of choice straight from the bottle. Find a friend of the opposite sex or the same sex, whatever your choice, again, it's all about you (who is clean and unattached, you have enough problems), convince them to be at your beck and call sexually. Preferably one that is going to piss your ex off to no end. Repeat. Finally, move on.

Visit a website where you are a regular, make an offhand remark, get into a flame war with one asshole about it, end up defending yourself about the flame war with the site's Number One Asshole who has seen an opening wherein he can completely shred you at the most vulnerable point in your life, finally lose any semblance of judgement and explain yourself to the entire readership by baring your soul about what's been going on in your life and how wretched you feel about it...

and finally stop reading the thread after some colossally cowardly douchebag tells you to kill yourself.

Or, you know, pick yourself up, dust yourself off...

And buy a new vibrator.

From what I remember, I generally got uber-social post-breakup. Organizing a constant parade of concerts, barbecues, game nights, dinner parties, karaoke, and roller rink excursions with the largest group possible.

The extra business keeps you from getting fat (I usually lost weight in fact) and reminds you how fabulous and well-liked you are (if you happen to be those things).

My method may be skewed since I was only dumped once, and had been trying to break up with the guy myself for a month prior. I did the dumping in all other relationships, and I make clean breaks.

After a painfully horrible cheater almost five years ago, I listened to lots of Fiona Apple, Ani DiFranco, and AC/DC (weird addition to the angry butch music, I know).

Also made sure I looked REALLY good whenever I knew I'd see him at social functions- weddings, etc.

Buy a case of Stoli vanilla vodka.

Buy a kitten.

Drink to oblivion and sing Counting Crows at the top of your lungs to said kitten repeatedly before blacking out every night.

Pour every ounce of agony that doesn't go into singing to the kitten into writing a novel.

Walk to the nearest bar. Embellish the story of your shattered soul more and more with every drink. Own your pain, and build it into something magnificent. Go home with someone that doesn't remind you of her at all. Next time, walk to the next nearest bar.

Let the parts of you go that don't work anymore, let them burn off in the pain.

Hmmmm - MO'C, that's the BEST advice (the last part).

1. Stay in bed all day, cry, and watch the first season of Scrubs.

2. Paint your nails an outrageous color.

3. Get dressed in a really cute sundress and walk by the offending person without looking in their direction.

4. Call up a good friend who doesn't know the person then proceed to talk about everything he was bad at, everything he said that was annoying, and how much you hate him

5. Get hit on a lot, but don't put out. Be as mean as possible to the opposite gender and enjoy fucking with their heads for once.

6. Refer to the ex exclusively as "Asshole of the Universe" or "Raging Whore"

"make sure the guy is not a douchebag, an egomaniac, or a sociopath, and especially not all of these together."

But...but, these are the only dating options L.A. has to offer!

usually i get over a break up by watching matthew mcconaughey rom-coms until i want to kill myself.

then i eat a lot and sleep. let the mcconaughate do its work while you sleep, people.

(p.s. Godtopus brilliantly told me in bold letters, "Fail!" when I forgot to submit this with my name attached)

Fuck. Somebody. Else.

And. . . . more things I did when I got back to the country:

worked out, cooked for (our mutual) friends, drank, found a man who really only cared about my orgasms (many of them) and had fun with him for a short while, and, most importantly . . . . . succeeded at being alone far better than he ever would of thought, something that bemuses him to this day.

Being just fine is the best revenge.

Let's see...listen to these songs, in this order, on repeat, for about a week, while simultaneously drinking copious amounts of bourbon:

1. "He Wants to Get Married (But Not To Me)" by Reba McEntire

2. "Letting You Go" by Lauren Kennedy

3. "Separate Ways" by Teddy Thompson

4. "Girl From the Gutter" by Kina

5. "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson

Let those songs do their thing, and let the bourbon be the excuse for the bad decisions you make, including, but not limited to:

- late night pizza
- late night sex with that guy with the huge dick you'd NEVER date but LOVED to fuck before you decided to settle down with Mr. I Can't Fucking Commit To Anything"
- late night texting with pleas for a second chance
- late night driving by his house to see if he's with anyone else
- late night phone calls to your mutual friends to see if anyone has seen him out or heard if he is miserable

Then, when that couple of weeks is over, right about the time you're thinking "I bet cocaine would make me feel better," schedule an appointment with your therapist, you know, just to touch base and catch up. Spend the next 6 weeks recovering from the two weeks of damage you did, while simultaneously attempting to find the "meaning of life" in books, movies, song lyrics, and perhaps a brief foray into Wicca.

Visit a psychic and find out that things will be ok.

Reactivate your Manhunt account. Have some fun. Use some condoms.

Join and gym and lose that relationship weight.

Move on, be strong, and most importantly, NEVER sleep with him again.

Absolutely lose that relationship weight.

Mega freeze-out of ex (ie no late night texts or emails.

Laugh happily to self while spending Saturday nights NOT babysitting a legless drunk.

Smile happily to self while doing Sunday things without a whiny hungover companion.

Weed.

Y'know, I could never let an ex think that they're making me suffer. I would never make a point of strutting my stuff in their vicinity, attempting to reconnect irl/online or (worst of all) whining to their friends about how I miss the ex in hope that they'll express my misery to the asshole. Doing any of those things tells your ex that they can still claim some possession over your feelings and that is WAY more satisfaction than I'll give to anyone.
Wanna wallow in misery? You have the right to be miserable, angry, hurt and disappointed but no one has the right to gloat over same, so don't provide the opportunity.
Stay as far from the ex as is possible and have as much fun as you can... it's the best revenge.

Find a theme song. Play it over and over again at home, in the car (make sure to smoke and take curves too fast while you play it).

Mine was by Esthero (it was 1998, leave me alone). Especially the part that went:
What would it take for you to see
What I have got?
I've got more than you know
Open your eyes, I cannot be - what I am not

It was the second time she dumped me in one summer! It was horrifying! It happened in my driveway!

We're having our 10 year anniversary in September. Because I'm the sucker that took her back.

First, there is the anger. I recommend making a hole in the drywall with a cell phone. The really expensive ones make very satisfying holes. Indulge in the anger.

Wait, maybe the hurt is first. I guess it depends on the breaking up circumstances. If hurt comes first, then call at inopportune times and leave really loser-type text messages. Or voicemail.

Then, talk a lot of shit. I mean A LOT. To EVERYONE. Your next door neighbor that leaves passive aggressive notes about your parking job. The desk person at the gym. The clerk at the grocery store. Anyone and everyone is fair game.

Next, obsess about what they are doing and with whom. Go for it! Crazy feels good. And don't let the shame come into play; to really devote yourself fully to this breakup, you must obsess, admit you are obsessed, and then continue to consciously obsess.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Go out to a metal show and get into the pit, even though you might be a good 75 - 100 pounds lighter than all the other pitters. Especially if you are 75 - 100 pounds lighter. You fly farther. Acquire several bruises, and return the favor often.

Then, workout. Workout a lot. With weights. And wear skimpy, sexy outfits. Especially to work.

Drink early and often.

Smoke dope.

Sleep for more than 24 hours in several days. Upon waking, you will find that you are now a completely different person. Shake hands with your new self in the mirror, put on some tall boot and a short dress, and walk through downtown on a windy day.

Start dating one of the following:

a. A well-muscled fireman/EMT
b. The sexy piercer at your favorite tattoo joint (something about needles, grawr)
c. The most beautiful woman you can find
d. Anyone good in bed

LOOK HOT.

OR: Do that big thing you've been putting off. Follow the dreams in your heart. Go after something that you really want, and forget about the douchebag.

boo, we should TOTALLY date and break up!

I once had a break up with a guy who left me for a GIRL that he fucked in OUR bed, and then drove home to my Mom and listened to No Doubt's "Don't Speak" on repeat for 3.5 hours in the car, screaming the lyrics.

I was 20.

Pink Hulk, that's about as brutal as it gets.
My sympathy... a woman I had been with for almost five years decided to twist off and bang one of her clients "just for fun".
Hope you find (or currently have) the happy pants.

- Listen to Reel Big Fish - Cheer Up album. Repeatedly. Especially 'Valerie'.
- Become really, really good friends with his ex. The ex who is his ex because of you...
- When he tries to talk to you, refer to him as jerk. Even when he asks you not to.
- Start hanging around many hot but shy guys.
- Meet a hot but shy guy who you will end up dating for 5+ years.
And when you get a call a few years later - out of the blue - it will be your ex. He will want to be friends because you are awesome and he realises it now... call him a jerk and cut him off.

I think I talked about this before, but from experience, I say listen to a shitload of Billie Holiday (Gloomy Sunday to be specific), Watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and anything starring Matthew Rush as nauseum, then surround yourself with friends until you start feeling human again. It's the moment you realize that you're in pain, but you're glad you're in pain because it means you're alive and that what you had meant something. It's the greatest and worst feeling in the world.

Run away! Run away!

Cowards.

Stand and fight, bitches.

My best friend says that the best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

Time in the hoosegow was worth it Slash. I still love you and will gladly do it again, if for nothing else than the prison sex.

Sure, because prison sex is the best. The crying is what makes it special.

Vicodin, amphetamines, blow, tons of weed and booze, women "almost" young enough to be mistaken for my (ahem) "niece", gambling, sick days, composing 8,000-word emails I never end up sending, driving to "our" places and wistfully moping about what might have been and annoying everyone with my pathetic incoherent whining. No, I don't take break-ups well. Fortunately for me my attention spans isn't what it used to be so I tend to get over these things relatively quickly (although several internal organs may claim otherwise).

So I'm not the only one? Been going through this shit for the three or four weeks. First ones do hurt. Like a bitch.

Though I'm not exactly a powder keg of optimism right now, here are some things that might help:

1. Do not listen to love songs or songs about break ups or things that remind you of her/him.

2. If you're a guy, have a guy movie marathon. Snatch, Fight Club, you know. Go all fucking out.

3. Resort to substance abuse. Make your peace with God or whatever the hell you believe in, snort stuff off a complete stranger's body.

4. Drown in your sorrow and beg to be taken back.

Got broken up with a couple of weeks ago, via TEXT MESSAGE. Gotta love the way techmology has improved our lives.

Strategies attempted thus far:
as mentioned above lots of sleep and copious amounts of booze.
In conjunction with booze consider;
- loud and obnoxious conversations about feminism with oblivious guys who were just trying to get a sympathy fuck out of it
- arguments with local stupid and arrogant celebrities (and their equally stupid posses) about the anatomy of the female body and the exact nature and purpose of the juices produced when aroused
- get stoned in public place (this works best in conservative, developing countries), refuse to bribe suspicious security guard, proceed to piss off entire population of females at venue by reeking up the girl's bathroom. (this also works best in conservative country where women smoking, weed no less, is highly stigmatized) Pick a fight with the sorry wench who made the mistake of calling you an "arrogant bitch".
-Wake up with even lower self esteem than the day before
- refer to dumper henceforth only as 'that asshole', complain about him and his C-shaped cock to anyone who will listen
-Spend the rest of your time thinking of cutting retorts in case that asshole decides to call and/or change his mind (he won't)

Strategies yet to be attempted
-finding someone with the body of Wolverine, personality of Hugh Jackman to be my sex slave

I'll let you know how it goes

I was dumped last night. So far it's been:

angry chick music
lots of boxing
flirting with new guys

You move. Out of state. Impetuously. Then spend the next several months saying "I've made a huge mistake." Eventually you meet someone new.

This may not work for everyone.

and have a dog. my canine buddy has gotten me through the worst of times... with a smile. he also forced me to leave the house and my self-pity multiple times a day for outdoor exercise.

Cry. Let it out.
Call out sick (you're useless anyway).
Get rid of his stuff (if you're nice, return it, but do it via mail so you don't have to see him).
Remove him from all social networking sites, and take down any pictures he's in.
Cuddle with your dog, he'll love it.
Get your friends to come over and hang with you, but only if they're supportive, not ex-bashing. Even if you are. Believe me, there's a difference, and it's not what you need.
Watch funny movies.
Get a hair cut or dye it, you need a change.
Buy new makeup and get your nails done.
Comfort food, whatever floats your boat.

You'll still feel shitty, but you'll look cute and have moral support.

Rebounds are a quick way to forget being sad, but you have to tread carefully with those.

Bury him. (Yes, I'm still on my first one, 27 years and counting.)

My last break up happened about a month ago. I had a day of Otis Redding and Solomon Burke, and then I switched to Lily Allen and haven't looked back. I also went very blonde (from being a dark auburn).

It's been the awesomest break up ever.

Well, I truly envy those of you who can drink away the pain.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at May 13, 2009 10:32 PM

No you don't, MO'C. My husband and I broke up for a year and a bit before we were married, but unfortunately after our daughter was born. I managed to act like a responsible adult during the week when I had my daughter to look after. But when she was with her father on the weekends, I indulged in all manner of sorrow suppresion. I may not have been drunk all of the time, but I was usually drunk Friday at around 7 until Sunday around noon.

My Mother is a recovering alcoholic (July 21st, 2008 was one of the happiest days of my life, but that's another story altogether). So it didn't take me long to see the slippery slope I was on. It took a little more before I was completely convinced I had to get my shit together, but get my shit together I did, because I would rather die than put anyone through that. My kid deserved better and so did I, damn it.

The easy way out is not always the easy way out. I wish I could put it more eloquently but you get the gist. I am sorry if this sounds preachy, it's really not my intent. You just...hit a nerve, I guess.

y'know i had some time to think about it, and even though everything i said before did help my post-breakup recovery, the only thing that got me finally, truly, honestly over him was fucking someone else. the next morning it was like the slate was wiped clean, past is in the past.

Spender, I was with you up until this last bit: Stay as far from the ex as is possible and have as much fun as you can... it's the best revenge.

Actually, the best revenge is to stay close and have as much fun as you can. Make friends with all of his friends, and act like he means nothing. His friends will think (and tell him) he's the biggest moron ever for dumping such an awesome person; you'll feel great because it's obviously not you, it's HIM; and you just might make some friends for life in the bargain.

Trust me, the bastard deserved it.

frumpiefox,
What if his friends end up not liking you and you discover that it was YOU.
That would suck beyond belief.

I broke up with my bf last night, so I'm really enjoying this thread. I plan to drink copious amounts of vodka, hang out in loud bars with my supportive friends, sleep with some random guy, and then get my ass back to the gym and feel like my old self again by summer.

Oh, and hey, the bees knees, that used to be my handle! Do you have a story behind it?

Interesting. I just ended things with my guy last night. I still haven't figured out how to move forward, but I have deleted his number from my phone -- figure that's a good start?

Alcohol and random sex would help, but I think that'd just me masking the fact that I'm falling into pieces inside. Emotional maturity is great and all, but it just won't let me run away and hide like I used to do.

If you must stand and fight, that is probably best. But if the person is not right for you, then the best thing you can do for yourself is to realize that. Mix up the kinds of people you hang with, preferably ones that are not encouraging your self-destructive tendency at about this time.

Limit your creation of playlists. Restrain yourself the next time you get the urge to make the next person a mixtape. Wait at least two more weeks. Unless that person is also going through a break-up. Then I suggest just getting snug for a mind of the ole mindless animal.

Self-destruction has its place, and that's with the perfectly sober(pretend drunk) and brightest. The thrill seeking cure is best if you're really feeling dead to the world.

If we are just gonna be cowards, then check out some TV on DVD that is both fantastic and that you've never seen before. For recent break-ups and potential tv whores, I suggest the BBC faux-teen program called Skins. Fantastical, ardent escapism. It's Dev Patel's first work and has that kid from About A Boy all grown up.

I hightail it to a mall and proceed with the holy trifecta, all of which should be done to excess:

1. eating
2. drinking
3. shopping

And preferably, in that order. Somehow, being bloated and drunk always seems to guarantee I make great choices in clothes.

Then, I wear one of my wonderful new outfits out and make sure to pick up an extremely hot piece.

Cocaine and hookers.

My last serious break up was actually pretty good.

I was sad and obessive for a while afterwards but once I got my own place (oh yeah we were living together but broken up) and got my dog back, I was meditating and running. Went out for a week long birthday celebration and connected up with old friends. Then went to Jamaica.

Hmm, I must bookmark this page to read after watching the LOST finale from last night. Having been dumped (by text message, no less) last Saturday, this is relevant to my interests.

My solution? Lots and lots of alcohol.

Tell him that in someway you are relieved he's doing this so that you no longer have to fake orgasms from his tiny dick anymore.

Hey, by the way, have you ever known someone who had just HORRIBLE breakups? I have a guy friend who I swear had the most awful horrific nightmarish breakups (including his awful divorce) of anyone I have EVER seen in my entire life.

I'm not dogging on the guy at all, it always just broke my heart and I ended up wanting to kick the living shit out of the girl (especially his ex-wife).

But he'd just randomly drive over to my house at all hours of the night, sobbing loudly, and he'd just sit on my couch sobbing for hours. No speaking, just sobbing. I'd hug him, sit with him, hold his hand. And he'd sob. My shirt was drenched one time with tears and snot. (Now that's a friend, eh?)

With his divorce, he stopped sleeping, was throwing up all the time, got on pain pills and then had to go through rehab for that, it was just fucking AWFUL. We were all seriously concerned about his mental health at this point.

There was one moment in which all of us were visiting him, making sure he was ok, and he was sobbing again (the kind of sobbing where you snot yourself, ok?) and this had gone on for over an hour when his lifelong best friend just said "Dude, seriously, I think you should just kill yourself."

We all looked at him in shock and horror, then our friend? BUSTED A GUT LAUGHING. I guess that comment really jolted him into seeing just how freaking miserable he was. So of course we all laughed. Until our friend's laughter dissolved right back into snotty tears again. We handled it in shifts after that.

I had a TERRIBLE breakup, which included living and studying in a country across the globe from home, and EVERYONE I knew, including my best friend, knew about certain escapades and adventures my ex had been having while we were together. In a sense I lost both the relationship AND friends, social life, someone to eat nachos with.

What I did was to get a job (part time) in the local hospital. Seeing a young man my age in the ICU with pancreatic enzymes eating away his bowels, or a young girl with an acutely progressing brain tumour shipped to her home to die will take the sting out of any heartache.

Put all your energy into developing a nasty little eating disorder. Every second spent calorie counting is a second you aren't spending feeling sad/sorry/self-pitying...