Pajiba

Can we order five executions as five edicts, or all of them as a single one?

One of which would be to immediately destroy all HD-DVD and Blu-Ray discs, banning the format permanently for at least five more years. I'd have to spend more time figuring out how to avoid the next format wars.

Can I go back in time and stop the Star Wars prequils from happening?

No?

Ok, then I'd get a Homeworld movie in production, in hopes that it would be the first video game movie ever worth a crap.

Oh wait, scratch those, I would give Shusuke Kaneko $300 million and two years to make the awesomest Kaiju movie ever.

Oh man...this is a tough...

1. Unless someone's race is critical to a story (like Malcolm X or something, somehow make all casting colorblind.

2. No more useless sequels or remakes, and absolutely no adaptations of old (or new) tv shows

3. Every script must be approved by various determined experts on English and writing. Scriptwriters whose already-produced plots are judged as failing must leave Hollywood immediately.

4. Actors must write, without their agent's help, a long, introspective piece on why they agree to each movie they sign up for. If too many actors' responses are variations on "I need the cash," the project will be scrapped.

5. Once a project with an excellent cast and team of writers and director has started production, there will be absolutely no meddling from network executives.

And, if anyone's feeling nice, Michael Bay, Paul Haggis, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and all teenish "starlets" who have no business being in movies (Jessica Simpson, Hilary Duff) will be deported to a small, treeless island and Firefly will immediately resume production.

Agent Scully I'm digging your 5th edict but c'mon let's put in Brad Pitt. What say you???

1. Brad Pitt should be given all the lead roles in action,drama,comdey flicks.
2. Ban all teen horror gore. Aren't they all the same?
3. Limit movie remakes to 5...3...NONE!!!! Come up with something new.
4. Indie movies should be opened in all cinemas.
Most are really great.
5. Ban stupid reality stars from staring in movies; Nicole, Paris, you get the drift...

1. Making the ratings system more descriptive and putting violence and sex on a more even playing field.
2. Making people pass a competancy test before they can buy a movie ticket. (No taste, no financial support of films)
3. Everyone in America would have access to cable tv and tivo.
4. Ah hell, if there was only some way to make people think the whole thing would work better Pajibans.
This comment diversion is just depressing because mankind will always be full of morons!

1. Bring back Firefly.
2. Appoint Judd Apatow director of programming for all networks.
3. Put an end to Movie Musicals.
4. Stop all remakes/rehashes/blatant plot thefts of classic films.
5. Stop non-porn movies about cheerleading/drum lines/competitive dance

I heart power. Let's see:

1st: Ban ScarJo from Hollywood and acting forevermore

2nd: No more re-makes of any kind. I'm sick of them.

3rd: Joss Whedon shall become God King of television and have money/resources showered upon him.

4th: No more awards ceremonies for celebrities by celebrities. The judges of these kinds of things will be randomly selected from the general population. Like jury duty but with designer outfits and the face-to-face ability to tell Brangelina to suck it.

5th: Redistribute celebrity wealth among various 3rd world countries.

I only have one. The problem I have with Hollywood is that it's such a bubble of mututal worship and egotism that it can't help but be hopelessly out of touch with the non-star-worshipping majority. So I say, in order to keep their license to work in Hollywood, every actor, producer, writer and director is required to take every fourth year as a sabbatical and do something completely removed from their wealth and fame. They can do whatever they want, as long as they do it anonymously and without extravagance -- they could work in a steel mill or live on a tropical island or learn to pole vault. I don't care. But for that year, no mansion, so press, no entourage. The ones who can't give up the fame and money for a year don't have to, but can't make any more movies.

1) No more sequels. Except for Pixar - them I trust.

2) No more young-girl/old-man sex - and no, I don't care what (or who) Catherine Zeta Jones is doing in real life. Damn it. All the women my age are getting paired off with pensioners and it makes me ill.

3) Trailers should be just one or two scenes - from near the beginning of the movie. I don't want a series of rapid edits that tell me exactly how the entire thing pans out.

Yes, "When Saturday Comes" I'm looking at you!

4) No more Kate Beckinsdale movies - if her name on the opening credits isn't the cinematic equivalent of the four-minute warning, then I don't know what is.

5) My dear American cousins - you make some great movies - you really do. But the whole system needs to be less horrified at sex and more horrified at the violence.

Go European - sex and nudity are beautiful things and part of everyday life. Serial killers and gorno are not.

That's me done with the soap-box.

Next...

1) End ratings.

2) No more remakes, ever. If it's been done before in visual format (screen, tv, direct-to-video), thou shalt not touch it.

3) No more writing my committee. No more changing good scripts into shitty scripts to be more "marketable."

4) All independent and foreign films recieve wide releases.

5) Every year, at least one movie must be made staring a normal looking actress as a love interest (no size 0, no mouth full of caps, no head full of extentions).

1. People using cell phones during movies should be killed. Audience to agree on form of execution from list of options provided by concession stand

2. Every movie must have one of the following in the background - posing in artful, nude positions, but saying nothing: Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel and one other actress to be cycled in yearly. List to be revisited every 3 years (Congressional Subcommittee)

3. I will review, on a case-by-case basis, whether a sequel, 3rd movie, prequel, remake, reimagining is necessary. Full script, budget and cast list to be submitted to me before the beginning of filming.

4. NO movie needs to be longer than 2 hours and fifteen minutes (2:22 with previews, absolutely no other forms of commercials). If it really needs it, break into 2 movies - and see rule 3.

5. Shoot Weinstein's assistant

How about something as simple as making the capacity to act mandatory among actors?

Awwwwww yeah bitches! There's a new Sheriff in Tinsel Town:

1. No more "Special Edition DVD's"! All special features, deleted/extended scenes, cast and crew interviews, pictures of the directors dog, etc, are to be included in the FIRST release of the DVD. I don't want/need five copies of Lord of The Rings!!!

2. Reny Harlin, Paul Haggis, and Uwe Boll are to be chopped up and fed to the robotic shark from Deep Blue Sea. And then the shark will be killed by a boat piloted by the owner of the catering company that served the crew of Crash. How's that for a twist, Haggis!?

3. Nicolas Cage must write an apology letter to the American movie going public for Ghost Rider. Seriously dude, WHAT THE FUCK??

4. A 5 year moratorium is hereby imposed on movies inspired by comics, graphic novels, or video games unless they are directed by Guillermo Del Toro, Bryan Singer, David Hayter, or Zack Penn. Fuck you, Uwe Boll. Furthermore, a 6 year moratorium on sequels, prequels, or anything-quels for movies already released/in production.

5. The MPAA will be permanently dismantled. A new ratings board comprised of writes, directors and myself will meet to create a fair, reliable, and publicly accessible ratings system.

1. Paris Hilton will be banned from Hollywood. Sure, I'll still have to see her in New York, but maybe if she's not with so many "famous" people, the paparazzi will grow bored with her.

2. Nathan Fillion will be in three movies per year.

3. For every movie that has a mother/daughter conflict, that movie must also have a father/son conflict. Oh wait, that would just be horrible. Um, ok, in every movie that has a mother/daughter conflict, Christian Bale must also strip naked.

4. Eli Roth will be sacrificed to the movie gods. Immediately. We don't even need a ceremony. Just a bullet.

5. There will be more sweet and fuzzy gay and lesbian movies.

1. Anti-nepotism clauses in all acting/directing contracts. Children of famous actors/directors with marginal (or certainly not standout) talent(K. Hudson, B. Howard, S. Coppolla) are hereby excused from service.

2. God/Jesus figures can no longer be played by African-Americans.

3. The absence of sexual attractiveness of a actor paired with a far more attractive actress must be acknowledged at some point in the film, be it humorously or otherwise. Ditto for enormous age differences.

4. Quirkiness cannot pass for depth where an attractive young female actress is concerned.

5. Two-hour limit for all feature films if not approved by a federal judge.

1. George Lucas may NOT use cgi, in any movie, ever again.>>

LOL! Pisaster, I think the problem with George Lucas (and, full disclosure here: I'm an avowed, unrepentant Star Wars geek. YES! A Pajiban who actually likes Star Wars. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!hey...put down that cinder block...OUCH!) is not the cgi but the live actors. He just doesn't know what to do with them!

I have only two, the first of which is to second the motion to ban torture porn. The other is:

A person may only direct one big-budget movie, ever.

No matter how good, or how bad, it may be, that's it. They get one attempt, and they better choose wisely.

1. no plastic surgery allowed. anyone appearing in a movie, even as a cameo or an extra, cannot have plastic surgery. period. plastic surgery is for socialites and bored old housewives.

2. before you can become a director, producer, screenwriter, actor, etc. (anyone with the ability to make creative decisions) you must pass a standardized test, meet a certain IQ requirement, and have an extensive portfolio of prior work. then, you must be voted in unanimously by a random jury of intelligent movie enthusiasts. any and all can apply. few will be accepted.

3. if creative and talented puppetry can get the job done, then CGI is not needed. CGI will be used only for anything unable to be created in our known world.

4. no script will EVER contain a cliche, a catchphrase, or any inane vernacular that is not directly applicable to said movie.

5. consensual, adult sex, not violence.

Samantha ^^
Rule #2 WTF???

1. No more torture porn.
2. All work to remain in California, unless there is some one-of-a-kind feature that can't be replicated.
3. Immediate cease to all remakes and reimaginings.
4. All plots must be within the realm of reason. That doesn't mean no fantasy movies, just plots without planet-sized holes--I'm looking at you, Van Helsing.
5. Theaters will become cellphone deadzones, and movies will start on time, with previews only--NO Coke preshows allowed.

Five edicts, huh? Hmmm...

1. George Lucas and Uwe Boll are banned from film. Forever. George, thanks for your efforts, now beat it. Uwe, get moving before I have you beaten and tossed in an alley.

2. More jobs for Rachel Weisz, Helen Mirren, Peter Sarsgaard, Christian Bale, Maggie Gyllenhall, Nathan Fillion, and Joss Whedon.

3. While there are certainly sequels I enjoy, I'm going to rule that if a movie was successful as a standalone, there can be no sequel. Sequels must be part of an overall plan.

4. Bring me the heads of Eli Roth, The Wayans Brothers, Mo'Nique and Mel Gibson. They are to be placed on pikes in front of my office as warnings.

5. If I should lose my job, I get to take over the MPAA instead.

1. In the event that Jerry Bruckheimer survived the nuclear holocaust, he will be tarred and feathered and then drawn and quartered.

2. All remakes are hereby banned unless the original film was bad to begin with (i.e. Ocean's 11).

3. All voting members of the academy will be taken out back and flogged repeatedly. They will be replaced with people who have proven that they know what they're talking about (Christopher Nolan, David Cronenberg, Wong Kar-Wai, Martin Scorcese, etc.) Also, all voters must have seen every picture nominated; private screenings will be held for those who haven't.

4. Foreign films will be eligible for Best Picture as opposed to Best Foreign Film.

5. The films ratings will be based not on the how much or how graphic the sex or violence is, but how necessary it is to the film (i.e. Hostel would get a higher rating than The Departed or Little Children).

Oh, and Joanna, you're a douche. seriously.

Finally, a afternoon comment diversion I can get into:

1. For my fellow Star Wars geeks: George Lucas has to write down EVERYTHING he considers canon, and once it is finished, he can never touch it again. No more "Everything he says is canon" bullshit. That is how we got stuck with midichlorians. He is no longer allowed to touch the franchise in any way that isn't involved in the special effects. No directing, no producing, no goddamn writing. But since he did create Mace Windu, he won't be exile or summarily shot. Yet. Michael Bay gets the same thing.

2. More minorities in sci-fi. I am tired of not being able to fucking cosplay because I am too heavy to go as The Operative from Serenity.

3. No more "urban" (read: black) twists on old movies or TV shows.

4. To paraphrase the infamous Evil Overlord List: All movie plots have to be told to a 6-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a 15-year-old of both genders. The younger kids will be able to point out any really stupid plot holes that the writer should know better about. If any idea is considered 'cool' by the 15-year-olds, it is scrapped immediately, because they don't know shit.

5. The ratings system should be revised so they are rated by IQ levels instead of ages. That way, those of us with IQ higher than mayonnaise can enjoy our flicks, and those below that line can still get bilked our of their money.

Bonus: Any and all adaptations of 'geeky' media (cartoons, comic books, video games) should not be approved until those involved can pass a general knowledge exam about the particular item they want to adapt. ex. Zack Snyder would have to pass a test based on Watchmen, and there will be no more crappy Fantastic Four movies, because Jessica Alba would probably fail. This way, only people who have dedicated chunks of their life to this work are able to truly give them the treatment they deserve. Also, it will keep Uwe Boll form getting his hands on another film right again.

1. Less big budget, more cottage industry. If you give a movie a limited budget, cater specifically to fans of that genre or fandom and don't try to make it a cross-over hit, you know what you get? Successful movies, happy fans, full theaters.

2. Nothing is critic-proof. If that thought is even whispered in connection with a project, it is halted until the damn thing is re-written to be good.

3. TV shows and movies are to be given more than 1 week to prove themselves. This, of course presupposes that movies and TV are of a certain quality level, but if they are, let them live. Cheers and Seinfeld both struggled their first years. Give shows like Kitchen Confidential, Firefly, etc a change to attract an audience. Critically lauded fan favorites are to be allowed to hang around, even if their ratings aren't boffo. Sleeper hits happen if you let them, people.

4. Trailer Editors are to be trained to not completely mislabel movies, or give away the endings. Tease me. Don't lie to me.

5. A complete and total re-vamp of the casting process is needed. No more nepotism, no more favors. If you can act, welcome. If you are simply pretty but can't act your way out of a paper bag (Jessica Alba, I'm looking at you), go back to modelling where you belong. There is no excuse, none, for allowing bad actors to prosper.

1. Get rid of trailers (and trailer pirates) and curtail marketing budgets
2. Eliminate all awards and awards shows
3. Burn every red carpet in America
4. "Movie Stars' aren't allowed to be in films which require acting. Those jobs are for actors.
5. No PR people, no keepers, no PAs, no marketing people, no stylists. Hollywood dickwads can fend for themselves, like the rest of us.

Someone suggested banning Scarlett Johansson from making movies. I've decided that's just crazy talk.




Is Scarlett overexposed? Maybe.


Should she stop making movies? NEVER!




Here's my list:


1. More Scarlett Johansson.


2. More Jessica Biel.


3. More Scarlett Johansson.


4. More Jessica Biel.


5. A movie with Scarlett Johansson and Jessica
Biel.

Oh, and for you all wanting to ban kids from the theater during certain times, you might be getting your wish. Just heard that a lot of places (restaurants and such) are creating no-children areas, similar to no-smoking areas, and a few places are banning them outright.

hahaha good stuff

ok then
1: Jean- Pierre Jeunet is to sign an underground waiver to make as many movies as he can imagine, but somehow remain pretty anonymous and unrecognized (no fame going to his head)

2:A Councel of Broccolli must be created to right the name of Bond, ommiting the ones that shouldnt have forced their ways into fans brains (im lookin at you world is not enough and die another day) and returning the series to a more modern version of what the series is (connery style)

3: Mel Brooks is to be thoroughly convinced and pleaded with to return to comedy, and if he chooses to return to his seat as director, all other shit comedies must stop production, allowing his new film to have an acceptable box office time limit.

4: yeah im gonna agree with everyone else on this, Whedon-Fillion (Mark Millar if he would come on board),Christian Bale, Edward Norton, and (might get scorned for this) Di-Caprio are given full passes.

READ, PAJIBANS, READ:

5:i dont mind sequels, and i dont mind remakes becuase there is always the possibility that the new vision gives an alternate style on a first attempt, which is still respectable. BUT GOD DAMNIT, a test audience of STRICT PAJIBANS will be gathered to view said remakes and sequels (or read through screen plays) and upon their evaluation a yay or nay will determine if the mass population should be subject to them.

also, i just saw they're making a cg, completely remade Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. WHY GOD WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vermillion: You can love ScarJo 'til you're blue in the...face. I'm a-ok with that. But please allow me my 'never going to happen in a million years because her breasts are just too famous' fantasy of banning her and her inability to act from ever crossing my cinematic path again;)

Brite: I'm glad you think so too! So many celebrities claim they want to save the world, children, animals etc.. already - we'd just be lending a helping hand.

1. Tom Cruise and Madonna are banned from acting, directing, producing, writing, or coming near anyone who may be acting, directing, producing, writing, or anything having to do with acting, directing, producing or writing.
2. No more men in drag movies
3. No more thirty-something angst movies.
4. No more rewriting movie endings because of focus groups. I don't care how effing grim it is.
5. The Academy Awards will last one hour. No more of those stupid effing dance routines.

It's all been said before, but here's mine:

1. less queasiness about sex, more about violence

2. Enough with the prequels

3. Less Cameron Diaz and Sandra Bullock, More Parker Posey and Catherine Keener

4. Ban american remakes of foreign films unless the studio commits to following the story- in other words, ban hollywood endings.

5. Require Wes Anderson to make a film every year.

that would be a decent start

1) All production of movies and TV shows would be carbon neutral.

2) Actors, directors, etc. must elect to have a portion of their salary or back-end gross to be distributed to whatever cause they openly support.

3) TV shows that garner at least 70 on a system like Metacritic cannot be canceled on a season-to-season basis. If a show is canceled, the original distributor has no say if another network wants to pick it up.

4) No more non-competitive reality shows where winners/losers are chosen based on anything other than skill or finishing position. Top Chefs & Amazing Races are all OK. Big Brother out.

5) No more award shows. Instead, studios can publicize a conglomerate score based on how many critic's top ten lists they appear on. (I mean, look at the histogram at the bottom of this page. http://www.metacritic.com/film/awards/2006/toptens.shtml Who can disagree with that?)

1. I wouldn't want to abolish ratings... I would want them to be more standardized and less hypocritical. Mostly, I wouldn't want sex(or nudity) to be looked upon as worse than violence. So, ratings board reform.

2. I want a bit more quality control on "family" movies. IE. They need to be entertaining to FAMILIES not just children.

3. Salary Caps for Actors.

4. Television franchises are only allowed one spin-off (I'm looking at you CSI and Law and Order.)

5. Remakes, re-imaginings, re-tellings of movies will be looked upon as plagiarism. And will not be tolerated. Homages are acceptable. (Notice I said "of movies" because Battlestar Galactica is awesome.)

"No more movie budgets over $10 million."

That is the stupidest one yet.

All movie plots have to be told to a 6-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a 15-year-old of both genders. The younger kids will be able to point out any really stupid plot holes that the writer should know better about. If any idea is considered 'cool' by the 15-year-olds, it is scrapped immediately, because they don't know shit.

Vermillion, out of all the cool ideas I've read here this one is far and away the best.

1. The director and editor shall create the final cut of a film, not the studio and never will it be based on a pre-screen ever. "As is" is the new first edict.

2. Uwe Boll is to be escorted to the edge of the industry, then kicked off, shoot to kill if seen again.

3. No more Drew Barrymore romantic comedies.

4. Immediately to return to the small screen near you: Veronica Mars, Arrested Development, Deadwood, Carnival, Firefly and Wonderfalls.

5. African American themed films are banned from depicting African Americans as ONLY a. obese b. underdressed, jiggling "video girls" c. able to communicate in broken english d. all the above and e. supernaturally flatulent. As such, Who's Your Caddy and all future Wayans and "Fat Suit" Murphy projects will be and are cancelled.

Waitjustagoddamnminnit - mook, you think the bans are ok, but you want to rate movies based on smoking, drug use and nudity? Are you serious? Just find one of those family movie review sites. Don't change the entire ratings system just for the benefit of puritanical parents.

Wait, Samantha, what the hell? Are you gonna explain that or...?

OK, Vermillion, I love you, and as I was reading that and cracking up, I thought, I'll bet that's Vermillion and had to scroll down and justify my love.

So,

1. Redo ratings. Sex good, violence bad. Not banning, just doing what stupid parents seem unable to do.

2. If movie is rated for adults, I don't fucking care if stupid douchebag parents want to take their kids, NO. Rent it and ruin their psyches at home. No more of MY movie-going pleasure being ruined by some poor traumatized screaming brat in a movie that is scary, gory, violent, etc. Fuckin' hell does that ever piss me off.

3. In action/sci-fi/adventure, whatever films, THE TOKEN BLACK GUY IS NOT THE FIRST AND/OR ONLY ONE TO DIE. Fuck you, Transformers.

4. Women and minorities: no longer portrayed as stupid, boring, cliches and stereotypes. Black people in real life do not all talk like that! Women in real life do not all look like porn stars! Again, Fuck you, Transformers.

5. Turn down the sound and/or soundproof better. When I'm watching "La Vie En Rose" I do not want to hear explosions from the movie next door. Again, fuck you, Transformers. (Admittedly not the movie's fault there, but just wanted to throw that it again)

Constance: I think you have me confused with RAT, who was the one talking about keeping ScarJo.

Although I will admit I am subject to her particular charms.

And I believe samantha t. (that is my favorite niece's name, so I feel a bit defensive about any Samanthas) was referring to what I have heard called the "mystical black man syndrome." The first and foremost example of this was Will Smith in Legend of Bagger Vance, but there have been many a case where if a black man wasn't a criminal or comic relief, he was made into an all-wise and all-knowing mysterious stranger that came into the protagonists' lives and showed them better than their crazy ways. Other minorities suffer from this as well, and it stems from this desire to make up for past cinematic transgressions, except that the characters are rarely any more developed than the other stereotypes.

Vermillion - exactly, exactly! I should've phrased in the reverse: "Af-Ams are hereby no longer limited to roles as criminals or mystics." Phew! Don't want to alienate my Pajiba comrades.

1) P.T. Anderson and Charlie Kaufman are given carte blanche.

2) Don't execute Michael Bay. Strap him down in a chair Clockwork Orange-style, forcing him to watch great films until he understands: a) that you can be funny without cliches and stupid humor, b) how to convey drama without the use of insipid slow-motion, c) that you can have both comedy and drama without completely undermining the latter, and d) that a two-hour and twenty-minute movie about giant warring robots should have more than a couple minutes of footage of the robots actually warring WITH EACH OTHER. Then maybe I'd break my vow and see another movie of his at the theater.

3) Remove non-movie-trailer advertising from the beginning of all film prints. NOW. NO EXCEPTIONS.

4) Move American Idol to be aired at 3 in the morning or some other time when it's not infringing on my senses with its noise. Replace it with a show that's worth a damn. If it's so great, you fans can stay up and watch it or tivo that crap.

Eh, screw it. I'm not in a conciliatory mood. CANCEL AMERICAN IDOL.

5) How much of my five minutes of absolute power are left? Quick! Escort Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Eliza Dushku, and Elisha Cuthbert to my casting couch! Stat!

Great suggestions above. I of course agree with the ones about cellphones, promoting the art of cinema, and virtually anything having to do with fixing the bullshit ratings system.

1. A well realised and coherent story must be in place before filming starts and takes priority over all other considerations.(MiB2-95% product placement 5% story, Xmen3-adding characters right up to the first day of filming.)
1a Map out your sequels ahead of time. Don't throw something together at the last minute just to put something out in time for a summer release and cash in. We can tell when you do this.

2. Executives: greenlight a film then back away. Being the top graduate at accounting school doesn't make you a "filmmaker."

3. Make a movie than leave it alone. Han Solo shot first. It works. You did it right the first time it doesn't need to be "improved."

4. Cast the right actor, not the right flavor of the month.

5. Writers and directors should live outside of Hollywood part of the time to see what people are actually like and not what they think they are like

1. Kill Tom Cruise.
2. Burn every copy of the film version of Silent Hill in existence.
3. No more movies for Dane Cook. Period.
4. Put Paris back in jail for good.
5. Make it law for all screenwrites to pass a literacy exam.

1. The summer blockbuster film model (i.e., no plot, all action, too many special effects, starring actors with big egos) is now verboten. Only art films will be released in the summer.
2. No more fast edit action sequences. How the f*ck are we supposed to tell what's going on when each shot lasts .005 seconds?
3. CGI cannot be used in a live action film. No exceptions.
4. Tom Cruise must move to Antartica and stop producing and acting. That's if he hasn't been already annihilated by the blast. And he must let Katie Holmes free. She deserves better.
4b. If Tom Cruise has been killed, then my second choice is that the USA will now subsidize foreign films. It just seems like a good idea.
5. No more box office rankings. Who cares?

1. Any film ever starring Cary Grant, Gregory Peck or Humphrey Bogart cannot be re-made, ripped off, tinkered with or colourized (if made in B&W)
2. Romantic comedies should be (a) romantic and (b) funny. Is that too much to ask?
3. Films based on books must (a) reflect the plot of the book, (b) be located in the same place the story in the book took place, (c) end in the same way as the book.
4. There should be one cinema in every town that shows mind-numbingly awful lowest common denominator films. It should be fenced off but with a viewing platform so that we can take our children/nieces/nephews etc. there to show them the scary people who go to these films and enjoy them and make sure they never grow up to be those people or procreate with them.
5. No more "the making of" crap that gives actors/directors/scriptwriters a venue to masturbate each other's egos.

Also, second the people who would like women who look older than 25 to get some good parts and no more taking good foreign films and "Americanizing" them.

Oh and to the poster who wants actors to take a year off to do something completely ordinary, did you know that Daniel Day Lewis did just that? He spent a year in northern Italy learning how to be a cobbler.

To all the people who think kids need to be banned from theaters, I have to say this:

Kids are people too. With rights. Yes, some are loud and irritating but so are many adults. Not to mention that most parents need to get out of the house every once in a while. Sometimes they can't find a babysitter. Sometimes they can't afford one (I make a minimum of $15 an hour as a nanny... that adds up... quick).

I agree that bringing very small children to movies that are clearly inappropriate is wrong. It's not fun for the kids or the other people in the theater. But you just can't ban kids from ALL movies. If you don't want kids of your own, that's fine but you have to accept that other people do and they have a right to take them to the movies.

Also, yes Melody, I think we should just take Dane out.

1. Pixar to be separated from Disney. Disney Corp. to be disbanded and sold-off in pieces.

2. Immediate arrest and summary execution of all executives that have ever green lighted a Lohan movie.

3. Tom Cruise to be shot on sight.

4. George Lucas to be be picked up for questioning.

5. Arrest and execute all involved with the cancellation of CARNIVALE and Dead Like Me.

All these emergency measures (with more to come) are to be carried out immediately after my rise to power after the code word: *colibri* is transmitted via all forms of media.

Anyone bringing an infant to anything other than a silent film or G rated piece of Disney flotsam should be taken into the back of the concession booth and have their head stuck in the popcorn popper. I'm just sayin'.

Manny and Vermillion:

The point is that banning kids from any type of movie is a slippery slope. I agree that there are many irresponsible parents out there who bring kids to movies that they just don't need to see. When I saw Grindhouse, the man sitting in front of me brought his three-year-old. Not a good idea. But the fact of the matter is that it was his decision, not mine. People have the right to decide how to raise their kids provided that they do not neglect or harm them. The decisions they make may not always match your or my values but the point is that we all have the freedom to make them.

Bottom line: if the noise bothers you that much, rent it yourself. The parents will probably be asked to leave the theater at some point anyhow. And if they aren't, they may just leave on their own due to embarrassment.

BabadoSlim: Hear hear!

Allie said, "if the noise bothers you that much, rent it yourself." Um, no. I'm not talking about kids at Harry Potter being loud, that's fine and I'm all for kids and their rights. But they are not the same as adults, and they have limits on those rights, and for very good reasons. If a parent wants his kids to drink alcohol, fine, but don't expect to be able to do that in a public bar. (I'm French, we're all for alcohol being available)If parents want their kids to learn to drive, again, fine, but not on public streets. And if parents want their kids to watch inappropriate movies, fine, but not in public where they are a goddamn nuisance and ruin it for the other patrons.

Isabelle:

Your comparisons don't hold up. Letting a child drink or teaching them to drive are both potentially harmful to the child. Doesn't matter if they're in public (thereby exposing others to harm). Letting a child see an adult movie (with the exception of extremely graphic movies) does not cause them harm--nor does it harm anyone else. If they cry or talk, tell the usher and have them escorted out. If they don't, it's none of your business.

Armando, you're absolutely right about George Lucas and live actors. The sheer amount of talent that he's wasted in those movies is appalling. He can't write decent dialog for them and he can't direct them either. I seriously got the feeling that, all the way through Ep I, Liam Neeson was thinking "I have two kids who will have to go to college one day.">>>

This is so true...and yet, I still enjoyed (and enjoy, occassionally) that movie. I know, I know. Some Pajiban I am, right?

5. Remakes, re-imaginings, re-tellings of movies will be looked upon as plagiarism. And will not be tolerated. Homages are acceptable. (Notice I said "of movies" because Battlestar Galactica is awesome.)>>

Let us then propose a rule banning all remakes and reimaginings unless acceptable under the "Battlestar Galactica (2003)" clause, under which a panel of experts will determine the merit of such a project. All existing prints of Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes," for example, would be summarily shot into the sun under this law.

good point Adequite!,

i fucking hate having to spend 20 dollars for popcorn, a drink and a candy. cheap bastards, corns like the most widely grown corn in america and they charge for it like it's gass. stupid bastards!

Vermillion:

This will be short as my computer battery is finally dying. I may not get to respond to all of your points.

First, I'm simply saying that you can't prevent them from buying a ticket. If they are making enough of a commotion to actually be asked to leave then they should be treated as anyone else doing the same would be and asked to leave. I think it should be noted that in our society there are many adults who have just as little impulse control as children.

I think that all most parents would like is a little understanding. It is embarrassing to be asked to leave but I think what drives you there in the first place is just wanting to have a little bit of a life. No matter how much you love your kids, everyone has a moment where they are tired having there life revolve completely around them. Having people glare at you in the grocery store, post office, movie theater, etc because your kids are misbehaving is not fun. But what do you supposed to do? Leave them at home by themselves? Stop living your life completely?

I'm not trying to defend truly irresponsibe, rude people who raise irresponsible, rude kids.

Well said Vermillion...I do not have kids (yet) but have enough friends that do. They've described several meltdowns (in movies, grocery stores, etc etc) and how nasty people can be when it happens...it must be embarrassing, and there's no need to be nasty to the parents when it happens, as long as they're at least trying to get the kiddo to be quiet(er). I personally get WAY more annoyed by the douche in front of me at the movie with his cell phone blowing up, than some kiddo who is bored and can't sit still.
Although I do wonder about parents who bring toddlers to 10:30PM showings of 28 Days Later, WTF is up with THAT??

OK, I know I've packed a lot in here, but this touches a nerve!

1. No more of the following: torture porn / remakes of old tv shows into movies / sequels to movies that weren't any good in the first place / appearances by Damon Wayans, Martin Lawrence, Adam Sandler, Andy Rooney, or Ann Coulter / movies about Santa Claus or penguins / movies made for kids which treat kids like idiots.

2. Film release dates must be staggered so there's always something intelligent and interesting to see (e.g. the no more Oscar glut rule)

3. Television networks may never again present reality shows whose sole purpose is demeaning the subjects of the show (e.g. Biggest Loser, Wife Swap, Extreme Makeover)

4. All cable systems must make the following changes: (a) present an a la carte choice of television stations, so I don't have to pay for stations that only show tractor pulls (b) make those shows available on demand directly to my tv (c) coordinate with Netflix so I don't have to wait three days for my new movie.

1) No irony. None. In other words, probably should dismantle the Sundance Institute. Wes Anderson may be out of work. The guy who made Napoleon Dynamite shall be hanged.

2) No more Oscars/Golden Globes. The only awards ceremony allowed are indie ones, but there will most likely be no contestants since the ban of irony took place.

3) Give Martin Scorsese/Alfonso Cuaron/Paul Thomas Anderson/Coen Bros, etc the budgets that would normally go to McG/Michael Bay/Gore Verbinski/Name your hack here. Let them do whatever they want, and have the hacks work as PA/Grip/Catering on their sets. However, Scorsese and PTA are only allowed the large budgets after a thorough script page count, otherwise they will most likely take the money and make 8 hour long films.

4) No more Spiderman/Superman/Fantastic Four/Obscure Superheroes no one likes...but, please, more Batman...but only starring Christian Bale and directed by Chris Nolan.

5) An at least 3 year ban on all horror films until someone comes up with something interesting, then maybe I'll have a look at it in my castle. No more zombie films, not even for Mr. Romero. I'm sorry, but the man needs variety in his life, folks. He's old.

There would be many more.

Vermillion:

I think it's a great idea to have seperate section/theater for kids. I am a nanny and I go to the movie with my charges often. Unfortunately, I have never seen a theater that offers this. If I knew of one, I'd be all over it.

I'd like to make it clear that I do not personally approve of taking infants/very small children to movies that are clearly very graphic. And really, infants probably shouldn't be taken to the movie period as they have very sensitive ears and will be exposed to a number of viruses that they have not developed an immune system for yet. But I do feel sympathetic for both the children and parents in these situations. I have no tolerance for people who are impatient with children. Even ill-behaved children. I still think that even though it is an irresponsible choice on the parents part, it is still their choice. And if you must direct your anger at someone when something like this happens PLEASE direct it at the parents.

I doubt that a Pajiba reader would ever yell at a child in a movie theater but I have seen other people do it. This is really what I have a problem with. Whether some people like it or not, children are allowed to be out in public. Sometimes even the most well-behaved child gets grumpy and throws a tantrum. It's not their fault. They're a little kid and they're still learning to cope. As adults, we are responsible for keeping our emotions in check even when little people cannot.

Long time lurker, first time poster, but couldn't resist commenting regarding the kids-in-movies argument:

For some parents, it is completely impossible to put their children in one theatre to watch a child's movie while they go to another theatre to watch the adult movie. Firstly, kids' movies are generally much shorter than adult movies; what will the children do while I'm finishing up the last twenty minutes of my flick? Secondly, I can't think of a better way to invite Serious Problems than to stick a bunch of kids in a theatre with candy, popcorn, and soda, and leave them unsupervised. Thirdly, I would never leave my child alone in a theatre like that - they might as well hang up a neon sign that says "Child Molesters Welcome!". Not going to happen.

While I support parents' rights to bring their children wherever they want, and certainly understand the need to get out of the house (and sometimes the kiddies have to come along), it does bother me when I see small children at particularly violent and/or adult movies. (For example, the poster who said they saw a three-year-old at Grindhouse.) Perhaps a solution would be some kind of revamping of the MPAA ratings system - make an R rating mean that nobody under 17 is allowed. Period. While I know that isn't fair to the few mature fifteen-year-olds who want to see an R rated movie with Mom and/or Dad, I think it could put a pretty big dent in the issue of three-year-olds at a screening of Grindhouse. (Seriously? I might have had to say something to that father.)

I took my three-year-old to see Surf's Up a few weeks ago. Normally, I wouldn't have done that, but we had been up since 5, and it was raining, and there was absolutely nothing to do. We tried to go to the noon movie, where it would be fairly empty and not a big deal if she asked questions in a non-whispering voice. That theatre was closed due to a water main issue; the closest theatre didn't have a showing until 2. This theatre was far more crowded, and she lasted a solid 45 minutes until she got antsy. The second she couldn't sit still or stay quiet enough that I worried that people around us would be bothered, we left. Did it suck to pay $20 plus popcorn for a craptacular movie that I didn't even get to finish? You bet it did. But responsible parents recognize when the child has reached his or her limit, and remove the child from the situation.

It pretty much boils down to the fact that if parents acted like parents, disciplined their children, and watched out for their best interests, then we would have less of a problem in this regard. But then again, that seems to be true in most situations.

As far as my top five edicts:
1. Make the "chick flicks" be a little bit more appealing to the man in my life. I like to go to the movies. I like him to come with me. It's called a date movie, people - remember those?
2. Stop trying to see how much blowing up can be done in 90 minutes. And really? Bruce Willis (while lovely to look at) driving a cop car into a helicopter and blowing it up? I'm not stupid. Stop insulting my intelligence.
3. Make these actresses eat a cheeseburger. With a large fries. And a giant shake.
4. Stop making any actress bigger than a size 6 the "fat girl" in the movie.
5. Once, just once, I want to see a kid movie with a princess that kicks some ass and DOESN'T wind up with the prince at the end, but still lives happily ever after.

The second she couldn't sit still or stay quiet enough that I worried that people around us would be bothered, we left. Did it suck to pay $20 plus popcorn for a craptacular movie that I didn't even get to finish? You bet it did. But responsible parents recognize when the child has reached his or her limit, and remove the child from the situation.

Thank you, Alex. That's all I would ask. Many parents, because they paid for the movie, won't do that. I understand that it's money wasted, and no one likes to waste money. But it doesn't make sense to ruin the movie for multiple people, sometimes all in the theater, because a parent doesn't want to waste money. That's why I think it's a good idea to have a section exclusively for families - so that parents may not have to get up and leave due to the fear that other adults may be disturbed.

1. No more adapting 70s/80s sitcoms for the big screen, for any reason. Ditto for movies based on comics.
2. No referring to an actress as "curvy", "voluptuous" or "real" unless they're at least close to the national average weight. A size four, 110 pound teenager does not a buxom lady make.
3. Stop pretending that Keira Knightley is talented.
4. Or that Renee Zellweger is pretty.
5. If you got your start singing on a Disney show or something similar, you are never, ever allowed to act in an actual movie.

Alex:

Good points. And as far as leaving kids alone in a movie theater, you're right. Complete disaster. I think a theater like that would need to be for kids and parents/nannies.

And yes. Seriously. A three-year-old in Grindhouse. I don't even want to think about the nightmares that kid had.

"No more movie budgets over $10 million."

That is the stupidest one yet.

Posted by: paco at July 16, 2007 4:08 PM

Paco, you know and I know that Roger Corman made way better movies when he was forced to work on a budget. Stop trying to shill for the industry.

Anybody watch Headline News today? They had a segment claiming torture porn is on the way out. Don't let the door smack you in the ass when you leave, T.P. Or shall I say, "Don't let the door slice off your feet and grill them in front of you while raping you with your brother's amputaded dick"?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/16/film.horror.reut/index.html

Ok - first to address the kids in movies. Babies shouldn't be in movies. A couple in front of me had a very wee one with them at Harry Potter and when the movie got really loud the poor child cried! The movies are loud for adults what does it do to babies ears?
Kid movies for kids adult movies for adults!
Ban Nicholas Cage from ever being in a movie again! Shoot him into space or something but spare us all!
Sex not bad, violence, rape and torture bad! The way the MPAA rates they don't mind if people become serial killers as long as they don't have sex. Sheesh!
And for all those who HATE Uwe Boll I found a petition on the web topermanently get him to stop making films! The link won't post but it's easy enough to find. Enjoy!
More Joss Whedon and definatley more of the Fillanon and Jason Stratham.
And, NO MORE "REALITY" DATING SHOWS. EVER!

5. Once, just once, I want to see a kid movie with a princess that kicks some ass and DOESN'T wind up with the prince at the end, but still lives happily ever after.

uhh.... shrek?

1-4: Aaron Sorkin has to start doing blow again, but
5: PT Anderson has to quit.

5. Once, just once, I want to see a kid movie with a princess that kicks some ass and DOESN'T wind up with the prince at the end, but still lives happily ever after.

- Max: uhh.... shrek?

But Fiona still ends up with her guy. It's the neat and tidy ending. And I get that it's a fairy tale blah blah blah whatevercakes, but it would be nice to see the princess set out on her own, and not always have to have a prince/ogre/man with her. If the princess ends up on her own, it would go a long way towards teaching little girls that they don't always have to have the man to be happy. Read the Paperbag Princess - that's what I want to see in a movie for little girls.

Just one: Every movie must have at least one conversation between two women that isn't about a man.

1. Eliminate all formulaic love stories of the Tom and Hank Meg Ryan genre. And please no Knocked up clones because that is the next thought that comes to mind.

2. Make mobster movies about demographics other than Italian, Japanese and British folks. The lesbian gangs that's been in the news lately is a fresh start.

3. Make a fucking horror movie where we don't know each fucking step the killer is gonna make. I know this is hard but if they make maybe a black person or a woman the killer. (not the apprentice) that would be a 150% improvement.

4. Give Nathon Fillion a 10 year pay or play $100 million studio deal!!!

5. I've never seen women mercenaries blowing shit up. Take the latest Die Hard movie. What would it have taken to make the villan a bad-ass bitch? One that fucked Bruce Willis up real good until at least the last 5 minutes of the film?

1.) Do not cancel good shows and yet bombard the public with Bingo Night and Who is smarter than a 5th grader.

2.) Bring back Deadwood & Firefly straight to DVD so those of the public TV can view right away, super fast

3.) Devise a failproof shitty Stephen King filter.

4.) Commercials are at the top & 1/2 hour so we know when to go pee and grab another beer

5.) No more shitty Robin Williams comedies. More Garp & Awakenings.

Mkay, here there my answers in this choose your own adventure story-

1)Ban the media from Hollywood.
2)All actors and actress salaries are divided among us all. Then set an hourly rate. We will see how many are in it for "the art".
3)Julia Roberts many never, ever, in any film, be allowed to throw her head back in horsey mouthed laughter. If she is caught doing so, she will be banned for good.
4)National Lampoon must put out one decent movie, or they are out of business.
5)No more remakes of bad T.V. shows..Ever!

1. No more 'jokes' used in movies/TV where cine-dads/TV-dads tell their daughters they can't date until they're thirty

2. No more torture porn

3. No more using sappy, ubiquitous pop songs in trailers (especially '100 Years' by Five for Fighting and 'Unwritten' by Natasha Beddingfield)

4. No more movies starring Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, or any of their talentless ilk. Also, no movies starring any of the four guys from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

5. Oh, and just for the hell of it-- a big-screen version of a hilarious screenplay my sister wrote.

1. Natalie Portman, in punishment for her interpretation of a toaster in the Star Wars prequels, is no longer allowed to act.
2. No more bedroom scenes where the girl is topless and clearly feeling overexposed and the guy is comfortably covered up by a sheet. Either they both show it or neither of them do.
3. Veronica Mars is renewed and Logan has to move in with me.
4. So does Nathan Fillion.
5. The English-speaking world has to finally admit that Shakespeare wrote in essentially a foreign language which we are no longer capable of understanding, therefore any Shakespeare adaptations must be TRANSLATED or SUBTITLED.

This is hard. So much is wrong with the tv/movie world we live in... But here are (some of) the things I would do if I were Queen of the Universe:

1. Instead of the MPAA, the staff of Pajiba is now responsible for rating, censoring if necessary, and/or even vetoing the release of all movies.

2. Ban the practice of buying the rights to really good foreign films in order to prevent their distribution in the US because they would steal box office $ from crappy Hollywood movies.

3. No more reality tv. Period. You want to work in television? Fine; so long as you are an actual writer or actor, there should be no problem.

4. For every milllion $ paid to movie star, the studio should invest $ into a documentary. (The sad thing is this could even work out to their advantage, if they'd only give the public even 1/2 as much credit as they give to celebrities).

5. Let's have commercials the European way, shall we? IN BETWEEN shows, not INTERRUPTING THEM.

1. end big budget comedies unless judd apatow or future successors he appoints is at the helm
2. audiences with college degrees must be surveyed to see if they want a damn sequel before one is even considered, let alone made
3. no tv shows turned movies unless they are purposely campy
4. foreign films and independent actually get wide release. interesting short films can be chosen be theatres and double billed as special treats.
5. romantic comedies have to actually be scientifically measured for funny before we force people to take a date to them

1. Will Smith, Eli Roth, John Williams, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Aniston, Paul Haggis and anyone involved in a screen version of a TV show or cartoon is foever banned to Skull Island.

2. Promises is no longer a rehab facility, more like Carousel in LOGAN'S RUN.

3. No more annual Jessica (Simpson, Alba, Biel, who's going to be Jessica 2008)

4. Stage mothers must eat their young when they turn 21.

5. All entertainment 'news' shows are banned forever and their hosts publicly tortured and executed 'Hostel' style.

1. No more torture porn (a la Saw, Hostel, Captivity). Without having to watch any of them, I decide which movies qualify as such.

2. Oscar to Sandra Bullock for being awesome, and everyone who doesn't like it can suck it.

3. Dane Cook banned from appearing in another movie.

4. In lieu of gift bags at awards shows, donations to charities. Those rich assholes don't need more free stuff.

5. Ban on any movie in which a mother frets/worries/freaks out about, or nags, her beautiful, successful daughter because said daughter doesn't have a boyfriend/husband.

1) A Ten Million Dollar fine for every stupid coincidence that helps to propel a film´s plot forward or for every example of seriously insufficient character development of one of a film´s major roles. A panel of 5 rotating knowledgeable film geeks gets to vote on all instances brought before the panel.

2) Unless the point of the plot is about age differences, all coupling on film must have no more than a 5 year age difference - 15 years if the woman is the older one or it is a gay couple. Related to that rule, Woody Allen, Clint Eastwood, Harrison Ford and Jack Nicholson must always be required to be the younger character in any script with a romantic partner that they film.

3) For every film that Spielberg directs, he must always release a much better film within one year before or after it (i.e. Jaws/Close Encounters of The 3rd Kind, 1941/Raiders Of The Lost Ark, E.T./Twilight Zone: The Movie, Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom/The Color Purple, Empire Of The Sun/Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, Hook/Jurassic Park, Schindler´s List/Jurassic Park: The Lost World, Amistad/Saving Private Ryan, A.I./Minority Report, Catch Me If You Can/The Terminal, War Of The Worlds/Munich). That way, he is almost always guaranteed to direct a classic at least once every other time. If he cannot promise a classic within every 2 films, he is not allowed to direct at all.

4) Every director that has commercial and critical success with a debut indie film is required to make 2 more indie films before they are allowed access to Hollywood budgets/studios in order to guarantee their initial success was not just a fluke.

5) Film editors and screenwriters should all be paid the same salaries as the main actors of their film. However, if they make 2 movies in a row that are deemed lacking by the above mentioned film geek panel, then they are never allowed to make another film again (i.e. Paul Haggis).

I'm late, but I can't resist this one!

1) no more mean-spirited reality tv which makes fun of people. In fact, reality tv of all kinds to be reduced by at least 90%.

2) Give Joss Whedon control of a major studio - (but have some guy whose job is basically to stand behind him whispering 'remember thou art mortal', like the Roman emperors had at their triumphs. I think Joss needs somebody to rein him in occasionally....) And give Nathan Fillion a permanent deal with said studio.

3) Give fan favourite slow-burner TV shows a fair chance. Certainly don't cancel them in favour of more dreck and reality shows!

4) Bring back ushers to UK cinemas. Talking etc is getting out of hand.

5) Some actors & actresses are gay, m'kay? It's no big deal. Stop all the speculation & outing in blogs, sites, magazines, etc. They are ACTORS. They can play gay, straight, bi, alien, whatever. Their RL orientation is not relevant to our enjoyment (or otherwise) of their work.