Pajiba

I don't get the first one or the third. Second one is quite amusing.

down is made of duck feathers

"cross" means get angry

but termites don't hop.

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

John.

John who?

And it was then that John realized his grandmother's Alzheimer's had become so advanced that she no longer remembered her grandson's name.

but termites don't hop

SEE! Even in writing I can't tell a joke.

Guy goes to get a physical.
Doctor takes a look at him and says, "I think you should stop masturbating".
Guy asks the doctor, "why?".
Doctor says, "because I'm trying to give you a physical".

Best if said out loud:

What are pie weights?

They woam the seas in search of pwunder.

I'm actually in charge of the joke of the day at my summer camp. I'm at my best when I'm rambling and leading the kids on while trying to waste time for some reason or another, but some of my corniest gems include:

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He doesn't believe in dogs.

Two olives were in a tree, one fell down. The other shouted to him "are you alright?" and he said "I'll live!"

A man said to his psychiatrist, "I keep having alternating dreams, one where I'm a teepee, then when where I'm a wigwam, then the teepee, then the wigwam," and his shrink said, "that's easy, you're too tense."

Jimmy Carr- "Say what you like about the servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan but we're going to have a fucking good Paralympics team in 2012."

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

*****

What's purple and goes bang-bang-bang-bang?

A four-door grape.

I hate to be the guy who derails a good thread, but that whole "I feel/look like an ass for correcting/clarifying" has a name. It's called "the One-Way Hash problem" and there's a good paper describing it by Julian Sanchez. Totally worth a read. I know Julian, and don't agree with him on many things, but he does encapsulate the problem faced when trying to correct misinformation. The comments are great too.

http://www.juliansanchez.com/2009/04/06/climate-change-and-argumentative-fallacies/

I cannot, canNOT tell a joke. And here is one that it took me...oh, a few hours or so before I got it.

Why do mice have such tiny balls?

Because they don't know how to dance.

Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was assaulted.

This guy is walking down the street and he notices a hooker with long black silky hair and olive skin. He ask her if she’s Navajo, she says “I ain’t no Navajo, I’m a Chicago hoe.”

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

I could go on for hours but I'm particularly fond of the goofy ones (the brown and sticky is one of my faves)

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Same place you left him

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Idear

No eyes and no legs?
Still no idear

No eyes, no legs, and no dick
Still no fucking idear

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs laying on a grill?
Patty?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the water?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in front of your door?
Matt

What do you call a guy with no legs from the knee down?
Neil

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox?
Bill

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russle

What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eilene

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging on either side of a window?
Kurt and Rod

What do you call a cow with only two legs?
Lean beef

no legs?
Ground beef

Where does a general hide his armies?
in his sleevies
(best said while pulling your hands into your sleeves)

It's a bit long bit it's my favorite.

A man walks into a bar, and gets a drink. He continues to drink throughout the night, and he's getting really sloshed. The bartender refuses to serve him any more drinks, so the man turns the the bartender and points to an unused piano in the corner, then he removes a tired looking rat from his coat pocket.
"What if I told you that this rat could play you the best jazz you've ever heard, could I get another drink then?" Slurred the man.
"If that rat can play jazz, I'll let you drink for free as long as you want" said the bartender.
So the man weaved over to the piano and set the little rat down, and wouldn't you know it, that rat played the piano so beautifully that people were coming in off the street to hear the music. The man went back to the bar, and the astounded bartender poured him another drink. The bar began to fill up with people who were amazed by the musical rat, and the drunk man began to make friends with people who wanted to know who the owner of the rat was. He staggered to the bar with several women and asked the bartender for free drinks for his friends, but the bartender refused. The man turned to the bartender and removed a frog from his pocket.
"What if I told you that I could put this frog on the piano, and it would begin to sing the most beautiful music you've ever heard?"
"If that's true, I'll let you and any of your friends drink free for the rest of the night!" said the bartender.
The man placed the frog on the top of the piano, and true enough, it began to sing along with the rat's music, and it was so fantastically good that the entire bar filled up and were transfixed by the musical duo.
A businessman approached the owner of the two animals.
"I hear these are your animals, they are amazing! I'll give you $50,000 cash for them both right now!"
The drunk seemed to be considering it, as he looked at all the people swaying in time with the music. "I don't know.."
"$100,000 then!" cried the businessman, eager to close the deal.
"Don't do it!" said the bartender "Those animals are worth ten times that!"
"Weelll.." muttered the drunk "I'm very fond of the rat, but I'd be willing to part with the frog for $50,000"
The businessman handed over the money, and took the frog out in a box. The crowd began to disperse after the frog left, and the drunk picked up the tired rat from the piano and placed it back in his pocket.
"You idiot!" said the bartender "You're going to wake up tomorrow and regret selling that singing frog, it was goddamn miracle!"
The drunk looked at the bartender slyly "Ah, that frog can't sing"
"what are you talking about!" cried the bartender "I just listened to it sing some of the best music I've ever heard in my life!"
The drunk leaned forward, "The rat's a ventriloquist"

Ooh!

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a hole?

Phil

And why don't cannibals like to eat clowns?

They taste funny.

So I was walking down the street and I came across this massive wheel of cheddar cheese. So I took it. As I was walking away this man started chasing after me shouting, "That not your cheese!" So I gave it back to him. I apologized for the mistake and we went our separate ways as equals.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Whatever you want. It's still not gonna come to you.

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they stink.

Also, I didn't get the termite joke.

Skyler: Termites eat wood. Bars are often made of wood. The termite asks "Bar tender here?", or "Is the bar tender here?"

What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs.

My favorite joke:

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

Great big holes all over Australia.

I first heard it when I was five, so for almost thirty years it's never failed to make me laugh.

You ever notice toilet paper never comes with instructions?

Being stabbed with a fork is the same as being stabbed four times.

I like to rate the food I'm eating by changing my alarm clock. The better the food, the later I am to work.

You ever get a real bad cramp, so you cut off your leg, but it still hurts? Phantom pain is weird.

I've got these really big boots that I found on ebay. They cost me $100. Who pays $100 for boots? Me, that's who.

I go outside sometimes. It's bad for you, but how else am I supposed to buy bullets, through the phone?

Buddhists believe that you can die and reincarnate as an animal. If I died and reincarnated, I'd come back as a goat. Not because I want to, though. That's kharma!

Remember when Reba Macintyre used to like Fritos? I wonder why she doesn't go on TV anymore singing about how much she likes Fritos.

I'm into going green. I save my toenail cilppings to weave into a chain mail. They're all natural, and they're locally grown.

I spend about six hours on foreplay. It's fulfilling, like volunteer work.

I want a tumor so I can pick at it.

Vaginas can be scary. They're all full of old dicks and lubriderm.

I'm really good at staying in one place for a long time, so I think I'd be pretty good at being dead.

People always cry when their pets die, but hey: a dead dog is better than no dog at all. At least you're not fat. Then you'd have a dead dog and you'd be fat.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stamping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stamping out flaming ducks.

What has two legs, a tail and bleeds?

Half a cat.

What rotates and taps on the glass?

A cat in a microwave.

What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtle's back?

"Wheeeeeeeeee!!!"

a husband and wife are at couples counseling and the therapist says they seem to have an issue with mixed messages. 'that's bullshit,' says the husband. 'you can't mix messages, you mean what you mean. it's not like there's something my wife could say that would make me pissed off and happy at the same time.' without missing a beat, the wife says, 'sure there is. of all your brothers, you definitely have the biggest penis.'

What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

Telling your parents you're gay.

Why did Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Some obscure number, you probably never heard of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GWJC7tlYck

^Norm!

Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino!

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: I don't know. Why do men do anything?

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One! And she does a damn good job! And it isn't funny either!

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. But I don't know how they get in there.

Try the veal.

Oh. Bartender.

/sigh

And I just got the duck joke now, at 40. I haven't ever seen it written down before, and suddenly it made sense.

This one's all in the delivery; my grandad was the master:

There's this guy, and his dream is to be a stage actor. He auditions and auditions but never gets any parts, and this goes on for years, and then one day he he auditions for a play about pirates. He doesn't get the part he wants but they see how bummed out he is about it so they throw him a bone and give him a small line near the climax of the play. All he has to do is say "Hark! I hear a cannon!"

So this guy is like goddammit, I am going to sell the shit out of my one line, and all month he's practising. "Hark! I hear a cannon!" in the morning. "Hark! I hear a cannon!" at lunch. He calls his mum, "Hark! I hear a cannon!" He goes to sleep muttering "Hark! I hear a cannon!" He lives this line.

Finally the day of the play dawns and he's not even nervous, he's so damn prepared. "Hark! I hear a cannon!" "Hark! I hear a cannon!" All day. Drives to the theatre, "Hark! I hear cannon!" Gets into his costume, "Hark! I hear a cannon!" Standing in the wings, under his breath, "Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon!"

And then it's his time. He smooths his costume down and cricks his neck. He steps out onto the stage, under the bright lights, and the cannon goes off, and he says, "Shit! What was that?"

What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eilene

And if she's Asian? Irene.

And a guy with no arms and no legs shaving? Nick.

Guy with no arms, no legs, underground, with rabbits up his butt? Warren.

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here," and throws them out. One of them is disheartened, but the other immediately begins to twist itself around and disarrange its threads. It boldly walks back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string I just threw out?" It replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

This might be a little on the dirty side but here goes:

How do you find an old man in the dark?

Feel around, its not hard.

Thanks to all upthread for the giggles :)

What's the fastest speed a woman can have sex? 68 miles an hour, because if she was doing 69, she'd blow a rod.

I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre
spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across
another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor
and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to
warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city
slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he
responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can
handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and
asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The
man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

Good night everyone!!! Tip your waitress...enjoy the veal and remember the 10:30 show is totally different, it gets a little blue.

A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor takes one look at him and says "I can clearly see you're nuts."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Three men walk into a bar. Barman says "I thought at least one of you would have noticed it."

Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a carrot.

Q: What's white on the top and black on the bottom?
A: Society.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.

as far as i can tell, no one else has used this one:

i went to the world's WORST zoo today... all it had was one dog.

it was a Shih Tzu.

This one you have to say out loud too:

Q: If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and you're Australian when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
A: European!

(That joke slayed me when I was eight.)

Q: What is red, keeps crying and gets smaller and smaller?
A: a baby with a razorblade.

Q: wat is grey, sits in a tree and whistles?
A: a nest of young cinder blocks.

Q: what is green and brown and goes down a mountain really quickly?
A: a skiwifruit.

Q: Why can't you go into the forest after dark?
A: because then the elephants fall from the trees.
Q: why do crocodiles have such a flat snout?
A: because they went into the forest after dark.

Q: how do you put an elephant in a matchbox?
A: drain the ele, fold the phant, open the box, but elephant in.

Q: what's red and black and nearsighted?
A: a mole on a read bicycle.

Q: how can you tell there's a mole in your fridge?
A: there's a red bike against the door.

Bartender says "hey, we don't allow neutrinos in here". A neutrino walks into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads, "Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?" She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."
He says, "Well, wash your fucking hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

An old farmer and his wife are lying in bed. He leans over one night, touches her breast, and says, "If this thing could still give milk, we could get rid of the cow." She reaches over and grabs his member. "And if this thing could still get hard," she says, "we could get rid of the dog."

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo.

One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"

Remember your manners. Don’t work blue.

Oops. In that case, I got nothin'.

Best joke ever IMHO

A minister begins a sermon by saying, "Today I would like to talk about the supernatural. So let me start by asking, how many of you believe in ghosts?"

Of the 100 people in the congregation about 30 raise their hands.

"Interesting," says the minister. "Now tell me, how many of you think you may have ever heard a ghost?"

20 hands go up.

"Okay, of you there, how many think they may have seen a ghost?"

8 hands go up.

"My my," says the minister. "Well, what about physical contact? Have any of you maybe ever touched a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

The minister nods his head and falls silent a moment, after which he asks, "Very well. I've one more question. Of you three have any one of you ever had sexual relations with a ghost?"

One man in the very far back raises his hand.

The minister is shocked. He says," Sir, not only are you telling me you have heard, seen and touch one, but that you have actually had sex with a GHOST??"

The man shakes his head. "Ghost? Heavens no. I thought you was sayin' goat."

Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: It had too many problems.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks the beer and the bartender asks him if he'd like another.

Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.

Why should you always buy your ivory in Alabama?
Because the elephants' Tuscaloosa!

Why can't mommie ghosts and daddy ghosts have baby ghosts?
Because the men have Halloweenies!

Did you hear about the conceited couple who were talking during sex?

A couple minutes into the act, the woman looks up and says "Aren't I tight?"

The man replies "No, just full."

how many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

i don't know, how many?

it's an obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.

An idealistic American is touring Scotland, and stops into a little pub for a pint. He sees a dejected-looking Scotsman at the end of the bar, and decides to see what's wrong.

"Why so glum?" he asks. The Scotsman looks up from his pint, points out the door, and says:

"You see that fence out there? I built that fence WITH ME OWN HANDS - but do they call me Angus the Fencebuilder?? NO.

You see that road out there?? I laid each stone in that road WITH ME OWN HANDS - but do they call me Angus the Roadbuilder?? NO.

You see that lovely house?? I set the foundation of that house WITH ME OWN HANDS - but do they call me Angus the Housebuilder?? NO....

BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!!!"

Fuck, I hate jokes.

Courtesy of my eight-year-old cousin, who slayed us with this one at our family reunion this weekend:

Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
A: Depends how hard you throw them.

A man is driving on a long, curving road up the side of a mountain. He sees a woman driving in the opposite lane headed his way. As she approaches she rolls down her window, so he rolls his down to hear what she has to say.

As she passes she quickly blurts out, "PIG!"

Without a second's hesitation he snaps back, "BITCH!"

He drives around the bend and smashes into a pig.

What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge

Stinky, you made my night. :) I also associate that joke with my dude, because it's his go-to bar joke and (with the addition of an atrocious Scottish accent) he KILLS with it.

Once again proving that sexy is good: but sexy + funny is best.

If you go into a bathroom Russian and you come out American, what are you while you're in there?

European.

Little old woman gathering wood in the forest comes across a fairy godmother. FGM says "I'll grant you 3 wishes", whereupon the LOW starts thinking long and hard. Finally she says "Make me a young, beautiful princess!" and lo and behold she is. "Turn my tiny drafty hut into a palace filled with gold and jewels!" and the turrets appear on the horizon.
Last wish - "Turn my mangy old cat into a hot young prince!" and the FGM waves her wand and vanishes. The ex-LOW-turned-princess picks up her skirts and gallops to her castle anxious to see her prince. She sees a gorgeous guy waiting at the castle door and runs into his arms.
He greets her with "Now aren't you mad that you had me fixed?"

From my halcyon childhood...

There once was a snake named Nate. Nate the snake lived near a road by the side of which was a lever that, if pulled, would end all life on Earth by splitting the earth into two pieces.

One day, a motorist was speeding down the road with his mind clearly not on his driving. At exactly the same moment, Nate began slithering across the road near the lever. Just then, the driver looked up and realized he was going too fast to stop. He could either hit the lever, or run over Nate. There was no other choice.

I'm sorry to say, that Nate is no longer with us today. But if you're sad, remember what the driver thought in that split second choice...

...better Nate than lever.

And old man walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I'm 86 years old and I've never had anything like this happen to me before.

My eyes are bad, so I've been taking the bus for years. Well yesterday morning, I missed the bus, so I had to walk home. Along the way, a blue convertible drove up with two college girls who offered me a ride.

They must have been drunk or something, because on the way home, they started talking about sex. The giggled more and more as we drove trying to outdo each other by telling of their greatest sexual escapades. Well before I knew it, they had driven me to their apartment where all three of us had the most amazing sex! I don't know how they did it considering my age, but they kept me going all night! And this morning, they even coaxed a few more out of me. It was unbelieveable!"

"I see," said the priest, "and tell me, how long has it been since your last confession?"

"Never"

"Never?"

"Never, Father. I'm jewish."

"Then why are you telling me this?!?"

With a shit eating grin the old man replies, "Hell, I'm telling everybody!"

A haggard looking man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders 20 shots of whiskey.

The bartender looks at him and says "Whoa buddy, that's a lot of drinks! Are you sure about that?"

The guy says to him "You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have!"

So the bartender starts pouring the shots, and the dude pounds each one just as soon as the bartender's finished. After he downs the 20th, the bartender asks him "I don't mean to pry, but what exactly is it that you have?"

The guy stands up and says "No money!" as he runs out the door.

Part of this may sound familiar after being in a movie, but this is the version i heard;

A guy walks into a bar and stops for a moment to talk with a man sitting near the door. When he's finished, he walks up the to bar and begins knocking back round after round. Pretty soon his tab is up to $100 he calls the bartender over and says; "I bet you my $100 tab against an extra $100 of my money that I can bite my left eyeball". The bartender laughs and immediately agrees to an easy paycheck. So the man reaches up with his left hand and pops out his prosthetic eye, bites it, and puts it back in the socket. The bartender is pissed at first, but he laughs it off and goes about his business. Meanwhile the guy starts knocking back drinks again until his tab is back up to $100. This time the man bets the bartender $200 on top of his tab that he can bite his Right eye. The bartender knows the man cant be blind, and hes personally seen him drink $200 in booze, so he agrees to the new bet, thinking the man has drunk enough to mix up his right and left. The man, however, simply takes out a pair of false teeth and uses them to bite his right eye. Now the bartender is pissed off; not only is he out $200 of booze, but now $200 out his own pocket. He shells out the $200 and tells the man to leave. The man looks at him for a moment and finally concedes. He says: "alright, I'll give you a chance to win back your money. You see that shot glass way down there at the end of the bar?". The bartender looks down the bar. He squints and sure enough, about 30 feet away at the very edge of the bar sits a small shotglass. "yeah I see it, what about it?". "well", says the man, "i'll bet you $400 that I can piss into that shotglass from here without spilling a drop". The bartender says "I'll take that bet". Without missing a beat, the man immediately throws down his pants, lines up his shot, and let's loose. He pisses on the bar, he pisses on the floor, he hits the stools, he even pisses all over the the bartender, and when he's finally done, practically the only thing not wet is the empty shotglass at the end of the bar. The bartender sees the empty glass and erupts in celebration, he looks at the man and gloats in his face: " you dumb bastard, you already had the money and you blew it, you hit everything but the glass, now give me my money". While the bartender is laughing his ass off, another man sitting at a table near the door suddenly pounds on his table and exclaims "fuck!". Snapping out of his celebratory dance, the bartender like over and says "what's your problem?". The guy then snaps "when he first came in that guy bet me $1000 that he could piss on you and your bar and you'd be happy about it!".

i follow on GFC as amber01sw