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Five Celebrity Throat Punches

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (95)

baythroat.jpg

For some reason, one of the more popular comment diversion requests come from readers who want to express their displeasure about the current crop of popular celebs. We seem to do a version of this diversion every year, but since we also do an annual Pajiba 10, I suppose the opposite is in order.

So, without further ado, and on the suggestion of krza, among others, “what celebrity would you like to punch in the throat without repercussion.”

So, have at it, you insidious bitches. I don’t know why I bother asking, as the request is sure to be ignored, but please try not to get too ugly, hateful, spiteful, sexist, or offensive, a suggestion that’s more likely to elicit the above than dissuade it. But at least I’ve tried.

As for krza, his five throat punches:


5. Christian Bale (sick of the guy, and his shitty Batman voice)
4. Ashton Kutcher
3. Madonna
2. Michael Bay
1. Matthew McConaughey









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Comments

5. Jessica Simpson
4. Colin Farrell
3. Rainbow Killer (why not?)
2. Peyton Manning
1. Ann Coulter

Posted by: bibliophile at August 27, 2009 9:41 PM

I don't want to stray too far off track but "celebrity" is a pretty broad term. So, here I go:

Dick Cheney

Margaret Thatcher

Michael Bay

Jay Leno

Ashton Kutcher


Usually, I like people.

Posted by: TSF at August 27, 2009 9:47 PM

1. Paris Hilton
2. Every anchor on Fox News
3. Flesh Beard from The Hills
4. Michael Bay ("thats for Pearl Harbor you ass-hat!")
5. Whoever's idea it was to greenlight a remake of Rosemary's Baby

Posted by: Kurdt at August 27, 2009 9:52 PM

I'm a pacifist.

Emphasis on fist.

-Paris Hilton
-the Hogan family (Only if they're tied down, though. No repercussions my ass, they would all be able to smother me to death.)
-Kanye West (Not because I actually care about his assholishness, but because I want to read the blog post he writes about it.)
-Hugh Hefner
-I can't think of anyone else right now

Posted by: SaBrina at August 27, 2009 9:52 PM


5. Coulter
4. Bachmann
3. Beck
2. O'Rilley
1. Palin

Posted by: ceejeemcbeegee at August 27, 2009 9:54 PM

AUUGH FLESH BEARD. MY NUMBER ONE. How could I have forgotten? It's been too long since I've watched The Hills and choked on my own angry vomit watching it be an incomparable cockface.

Posted by: SaBrina at August 27, 2009 9:57 PM

Cockface... Oh man. It's also been too long since I've had one of those.

Posted by: SaBrina at August 27, 2009 10:00 PM

in no particular choreographed order:

-sister patterson
-katy perry
-kristen stewart
-sherri shepherd
-kate gosselin
bonus!
-pick a wayans

Posted by: gp at August 27, 2009 10:00 PM

1) Michael Bay (no explanation needed)

2)Tarantino (he makes great films but is the most annoynig person on the planet)

3) Bill O'Reily (psychopath)

4) Billy Crystal (smug fuck)

5) Anyone who funds a re-make of a classic Hollywood film

Posted by: ShinyKatesShineRag at August 27, 2009 10:01 PM

I'm not one for physical violence, so ca you just make these people disappear?

Bobby Flay

Bill O'Reilly

Jon and Kate

The rest of the Jackson family

The entire Twilight clan

(The first two make me feel revulsion. I'm just sick of hearing about the rest.)

Posted by: Cindy at August 27, 2009 10:01 PM

can

Posted by: Cindy at August 27, 2009 10:03 PM

Huh. I genuinely like Bill O' Reilly. Nut case, sure. But he's a good Catholic.

Posted by: TSF at August 27, 2009 10:04 PM

1. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag (they barely qualify as one whole human)
2. Lady Gaga (please get murdered by the ghost of Jim Henson for daring to wear a Kermit costume)
3. Octomom. Yay, you're super fertile! You're also batshit crazy and irrelevant. I know people who have had as many kids as you. It's called my Irish Catholic family.
4. The Gosselins. Another pair famous for breeding. It drives me fucking insane.
5. The Kardashians. WHY DO I KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!

Posted by: Julie at August 27, 2009 10:07 PM

Gandhi.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at August 27, 2009 10:12 PM

5. Brooke Hogan
4. Rainbow Killer
3. Octomom
2. Oprah
1. Paula Abdul

I LOVE me some women, but I would not hesitate a mili-second to punch these twats in their baby-makers, much less their throats.

Posted by: DaddyMac at August 27, 2009 10:16 PM

Me being the pacifist that I am I do not think I can come up with anyone that I would want to punch in the throat.

Ha, yeah that's a lie. I actually use throat punches in day to day situations. Don't believe me? Go and see Manny at my favorite dive bar in Las Vegas. Motherfucker pissed me off, I quite literally punched him in the throat.

Okay so back to the topic.

5-2 - Oprah, I hate this pretentious bitch so much I am using four of my punches on her fat turkey neck.

1 - Spencer "Fleshbeard" Pratt - because a)Why the fuck do I even know you exsist? and b) )and I quote... you know...it's like art. Not like Picasso art, but real art ya know"" You're the fucking living exsistence of every God Damn thing that is wrong in this world I swear to Godtopus, if given the chance I would do more than just throat punch your ass.

Wow, anger. I'm going to return my bottle of whiskey now.

Posted by: ashes at August 27, 2009 10:18 PM

1. Paris Hilton
2. The Kardashians
3. Heidi and Spencer
4. Dana and Lindsay Lohan
5. Megan Fox

Yes, these are all women. Well, except Spencer, but he's not even human. I hate them all because they make all women look bad. They make me embarrassed to have something in common with them.

Cindy: we're mind-mates. I love that you hate Bobby Flay too.

Posted by: figgy at August 27, 2009 10:19 PM

1. Paris Hilton
2. Spencer Pratt
3. Ann Coulter
4. Joe Francis (actually, can I punk him in the cock? With a serrated knife?)
5. Sarah Palin

Posted by: s. pisaster at August 27, 2009 10:23 PM

Oh fuck, ok, Lindsay Lohan and her dad and John Gosselin, because I had a dream a couple of weeks ago wherein the old men were hanging around a club so I mockingly asked to take their picture and then Jon Gosselin thought I was serious so he tried to make out with me on the sidewalk, and that was creepy, and then Lindsay walked up with a bunch of other bitchy campers, because I was at summer camp with her, obviously, and she was all bitchy, and her dad was just generally creepy, and then I got caught in a sort of mild Saw-type situation and Lindsay was behind it all, and nobody should have to endure dreams like that.

In reality I went to camp with one of Howard Stern's kids, and while I wouldn't mind punching her in the non-baby-maker, she is thankfully not a celebrity.

Posted by: SaBrina at August 27, 2009 10:27 PM

1. Paris Hilton
2. Bill O'Reilley
3. Heidi and Spencer
4. Lindsay Lohan
5. Glen Beck

Posted by: Bistro at August 27, 2009 10:28 PM

1. Pope Benedict XVI
2. Pope Benedict XVI
3. Pope Benedict XVI
4. Pope Benedict XVI
5. Pope Benedict XVI

Posted by: Samuel Erikson at August 27, 2009 10:30 PM

Also...I left this one off of my list because shes's technically not a celebrity.

Anyone else hate that dumb lady "Flo" from the Progressive commercials?? Man, I do not like her.

Posted by: ashes at August 27, 2009 10:31 PM

Barbara Walters
Michael Vick
Jennifer Aniston
Brett Favre
Anyone who's ever had their own reality show. Except Ozzy.

Posted by: julied at August 27, 2009 10:43 PM

Urgh. URGH.

Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Paris Hilton
Speidi (WHY DO I EVEN KNOW THAT NICKNAME?!)
Stephanie FUCKING Meyer.

So. Much. Hate.

Posted by: dsbs at August 27, 2009 10:47 PM

figgy, let's go twist his balls until he cries. (Don't worry, we'll use gloves.)

Posted by: Cindy at August 27, 2009 10:55 PM

5. All the reality "stars" on VH1 shows.
4. Octomom
3. Rainbow Killer
2. John Mayer
1. Rachael. Fucking. Ray. Goddamn you thinking you are cute with your EVOO. Just say they fucking words. Do you really need to abreviate them? Bitch! Can I hit her twice..please!?

Ugh! I need a beer and a punching bag.

Posted by: wooky at August 27, 2009 11:05 PM

um, hey, um...
does anyone know what's going on in the We Live in Public thread?
like, after frumpiefox's comment, there is ...nothing.
no post-a-comment section.
is it because *some* people were talking about He Who Must Not Be Voldapook?

i wasn't there. you can't pin this one on me!

STAY BACK! DON'T COME ANNNYEUD@BGY.....

Posted by: gp at August 27, 2009 11:06 PM

1. Patricia Heaton
2. Joaquin Phoenix
3. Gwyneth
4. Daniel Baldwin
5. Michael Chiarello

Posted by: sansho1 at August 27, 2009 11:07 PM

Katherine Heigl - imo a punch in the throat is not nearly enough!
Paris Hilton -again, see above.
Lindsay Lohan
Chris Brown
Either the Hogan or the Cyrus families, I can't decide.
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!

Posted by: sammers at August 27, 2009 11:08 PM

now how the hell did I turn punch into punk? I'm not even drunk.

Posted by: s. pisaster at August 27, 2009 11:18 PM

But you are a poet, and didn't even know it.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at August 27, 2009 11:20 PM

dsbs argh! I completely forgot Stephanie Meyer. I'd like to add her as my alternate.

spis: I thought it was some new slang for punch. I'm all for it. As in, I want to punk Stephanie Meyer in the ovary. Right to the babymaker.

Posted by: figgy at August 27, 2009 11:21 PM

5) The executives of the SyFy channel (or the Syphilis Chanel as it should now be called for obvious reasons) for changing the name of the SciFi channel to something so utterly moronic. And for their suck ass scheduling and programming.

4) Megan Fox - Most crack whores don't look this hardened.

3) Madonna - For the love of Pete, each a sandwich. And have some desert. As one of the Gabor sisters once said, "Comes a time in a woman's life when she has to choose between her face and her ass."

2) Anyone in the Jackson family.

1) Stephanie Meyer - Devoid of writing skill, pimps stalkers as romantic ideals, and a crybaby about anyone who doesn't fawn over her crummy books. This Bud's for you.

Posted by: rottenkitty at August 27, 2009 11:26 PM

1)Katie Couric: Go back to daytime, Skipper.

2)Oprah: Bitch, please. Keep your tootie-fruity new age bullshit book recommendations to yourself.

3) Paris Hilton: This is why the Inheritance Tax should be reinstated.

4) Nancy Grace: You just need to watch 60 seconds of this shrill cunt to learn all you need to know about how sucktastic CNN has become.

5) Mitch McConnell: As an atheist, one of my main regrets is that Hell probably doesn’t exist. It gives me peace to contemplate this smirky fuckstick roasting for eternity.

Posted by: pktechguy at August 27, 2009 11:36 PM

Oh and ashes, I hate Flo too! It didn't help that someone said she reminded them of me. Does that mean I really hate myself deep down? Damn it, hand me another beer.

Posted by: wooky at August 27, 2009 11:40 PM

5.Heidi Montag
4.Nancy Grace
3.Madonna
2.Tyra Banks
1.Oprah

Posted by: jmurae at August 27, 2009 11:55 PM

1) Kristen Stewart. If you roll your eyes in an interview ONE MORE TIME, SO HELP ME GOD

2) Anne Coulter

3) And while we're on Anne's, how about Heche?

4) Brandon Davis. A walking oil slick with a heart of coal.

5) Joe Jackson

Posted by: Candace at August 28, 2009 12:19 AM

A straight-on punch to the throat? Nay, for I am a peaceful, gentle soul who would rather give ultra-annoying celebrities daisies and a firm handshake and a hearty "God bless you, and good day!" ...

Right before I kneecap the wary motherfuckers, like ...

5. Brett Fav-uh-ruh
4. Teeth Roberts
3. Succubus Jolie
2. SJP (whinny)
1. Kate Gossemullet

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 28, 2009 12:31 AM

Olbermann
Hilton
Hilton
I would have completely forgotten about her until yesterday, but Heche bigtime
This is a hard one. I would have guessed that I really disliked more celebs, but that's about it. I just feel sorry for the insipid ones, and everybody else I might want to smack them as a reflex when they do one annoying thing but I don't have to live with them on a daily basis, so it never builds to the throat punch stage.

Posted by: Eep at August 28, 2009 1:28 AM

A representative from each the following
-The entire far right commentariat EXCEPT Glenn Beck, who should be given control of the entire Fox network. He gives Stewart and Colbert their best material now GWB is gone.
-Bill Maher, for co-opting arguments I largely agree with but being insufferably smug at the same time.
-Anyone celebrity whose sole ualification is a complete lack of dignity that masks a complete lack of talent. Take your pick.
-Jenny McCarthy. It's one thing to choose unproven and dangerous alt medicine bullshit for yourself, but your kids? Dishonourable mention to Oprah & Arianna Huffington for giving a platform to these featherbrained theories
-George Lucas, if only to see whether I could make it up to the elbow.

Posted by: Squirrelgripper at August 28, 2009 1:29 AM

How about the next celebrity who's an actor or model or reality star who doesn't know shit about shit and acts like somebody is stupid for having a different viewpoint on fill-in-the-blank (politics, science, religion, etc.)? That ought to do it.

Posted by: Eep at August 28, 2009 1:31 AM

Ummmm
5. You
4. Everyone but you.
3. Especially Eli Roth
2. Everyone who spells ya'll, y'all
1. god

Posted by: Deistbrawler at August 28, 2009 1:54 AM

Chris Angel

Billy Ray Cyrus

Mama Lohan

Poppa Jackson

Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, Keith Obermann (*)

(*) Not because of their politics. We don't punch people out because of their politics. Because they are being smug, reactive dipshits, living down to the standard eroded by their predecessors.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at August 28, 2009 2:28 AM


5) keith olbermann
4) nancy pelosi
3) keith olbermann
2) michael moore
1) keith olbermann

Posted by: EricD at August 28, 2009 2:30 AM

1. Katy Perry
2. Glenn Beck
3. Stephanie Meyer
4. Kyle Sandilands (he's Australian, so you might not have heard of him... but he deserves it. Truuuuust me.)
5. Heidi and Spencer

Posted by: Simon A at August 28, 2009 2:52 AM

Sandilands- good get Simon, I forgot about him.

To the uninitiated, he's an Australian ersatz FM radio jock and Aust Idol judge who*, thought it would be a neat idea to attach a fourteen year old girl to a lie detector ON AIR and ask her questions about her sex life. Turns out she was raped at the age of 12. Whoda thunk? He's not an Idol judge anymore, but somehow got back on air after a several week "hiatus". Ballsack of the highest order.

*along with his production crew, radio station and the girl's fucking idiot mother who apparently also knew about the assault prior to the interview.

Posted by: Squirrelgripper at August 28, 2009 3:08 AM

I'd like to add Nancy Grace to my list. I was flipping channels and saw her and god she's such a HAG that I would gladly take Megan Fox off my list and put her on it. HAG.

Posted by: figgy at August 28, 2009 3:08 AM

If anyone kills Megan Fox...please...let me rape the corpse. So...put it in a freezer. When I'm on my way, let it thaw out for about 3 hours.
Thank you,
Deistbrawler

Posted by: Deistbrawler at August 28, 2009 3:15 AM

Rainbow Killer
Stephanie Meyer
Kyle Sandilands (who as well as being heinous for the about mentioned reasons, goes around threatening to punch hilarious Australian comedians who he has never actually met in the throat)
Taylor Swift (her songs actually induce convulsions)
Katy Perry (ditto)

Posted by: redfeathers at August 28, 2009 4:08 AM

How about if we go could go back in time and punch historical "celebrities" in the throat? I'd hit Joseph Goebbels in the Adam's apple with a hammer if I could.

Posted by: Kurdt at August 28, 2009 4:36 AM

5. Rush Limbaugh
4. Larry King
3. Glenn Beck
2. Bill O'Reilly
1. Elisabeth Hasselbeck*

Honourable mention: William Shatner

* Can we replace punch-to-the-throat with curb-stomp?

Posted by: vaskark at August 28, 2009 6:39 AM

Everyone who spells ya'll, y'all

Erm...isn't that almost everyone who spells it? Unless it's a contraction for "ya will" and not "you all", in which case never mind.

Posted by: sansho1 at August 28, 2009 6:49 AM

1: Miley Cyrus (your voice is like nails on a chalkboard)
2: Pope Bendedict (backwards arsehole)
3: Rainbow Killer (self important skank)
4: The entire cast of The Hills (vapid and everything that is wrong with television and America's obsession with fame)
5: Paul Greengrass (stop ruining good films with your awful camerawork!)

Posted by: returnofthesmith at August 28, 2009 6:59 AM

1. Whitey

Posted by: Guess Who! at August 28, 2009 8:00 AM

5. Dustin
4. Dustin
3. Brett Favre
2. Dustin
1. Dustin - you've got to be kidding. You censor me but this thread is okay???

Balls out. You're fucking ridiculous.

Posted by: Kballs at August 28, 2009 8:14 AM

1. Paltrow
2. Hanks
3. Jonah Hill
4. Cera
5. Johannson

Posted by: samantha t at August 28, 2009 8:14 AM

One more: Katie fucking Roiphe. Your anti-feminist tripe sucks and your attempts to one-up your own mother are truly pathetic.

Posted by: samantha t at August 28, 2009 8:17 AM

prima donna athlete (Favre or T.O.)

right wing blowhard (Rush Limbaugh or Gerry Callahan [local am sports radio guy])

talentless superstar (Spencer specifically, at least Kim Kardashian has dat azzz)

rappers who perpetuate horrible blk stereotypes. any one of the thousand (I'll take that ass Kanye over any one of them)

Infommercial producers (the old way of doing things is not that painful and not in black and white)

BONUS - - The characters that make my guilty pleasure TV shows even guiltier (Heigl and and Pannitiere)


Posted by: VinKong at August 28, 2009 8:22 AM

Aw Pooks, some of us ain't all bad.

Posted by: Cindy at August 28, 2009 8:28 AM

Everyone has mentioned my neck punchees several times with the exception of 1

Jessica Alba.


But c'mon Cindy... Bobby Flay? I love Bobby Flay. Hate Emeril or that big stupid orange Italian. But not my Bobby. (Come to think of it, what grown up goes by Bobby?)

Posted by: wsapnin at August 28, 2009 8:43 AM

5-2 - Oprah, I hate this pretentious bitch so much I am using four of my punches on her fat turkey neck.

ashes for the win.
How did I forget Oprah? Also, everyone else listed in this comment diversion.

Posted by: krza at August 28, 2009 8:59 AM

The hard part is whittling my list down to just five celebrities.

1. Megan Fox. Maybe it'll permanently knock the sexyface off.

2. Perez Hilton. Hey! I think that I can throat punch him without repercussions!

3. Rob Zombie. I don't believe I need to explain myself.

4. Spencer Pratt. I'll do what his parents should have done and level that shit with a punch to the throat. Since this one is so special, I may need to adorn my knuckles with some pointy items. Maybe I'll glue rose thorns to some brass knuckles and then go to work.

5. Random Reality "Celebrity". They all look and sound the same to me.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits (aka Dangle McGee) at August 28, 2009 9:00 AM

Hmmm...

Speidi and everyone responsible for allowing that banshee to "sing".
Wendy Williams

Ummmmm...there are more but I think my total apathy for these celebutards overrides my want to cause bodily harm. Too much effort for the likes of a Kardashian, Hilton, or Lohan.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at August 28, 2009 9:32 AM

Squirrelgripper beat me to it but I'd like to give all 5 punches to George Lucas:

1 for Crystal Skull
1 for each of the Star Wars prequels
1 for Howard the Duck

Can I also give him 1 to the nards just for selling out so epically?

Posted by: ed newman at August 28, 2009 9:36 AM

Celebrities are generally too irrelevant for me to care about them enough to do actual violence. Eli Manning has ridden his family name, a modicum of talent and a receiver who could save him from himself into the richest contract in NFL history and while I find all that profoundly irritating, I don't care enough to punch him for it. I suppose if we're going to include media and/or political figures, there are few I'd like to smack around not for their politics but because I think they're capable of doing real damage:

Glenn Beck
Rush Limbaugh
Chuck Grassley
Joe Lieberman
John McCain (for shitting on his principals and unleashing Sarah Palin on the world)

Huh. A collection of crusty, middle-aged/elderly white men who can only get it up during the rape scene from A Clockwork Orange. I see a pattern.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 28, 2009 9:36 AM

Anyone else hate that dumb lady "Flo" from the Progressive commercials?? Man, I do not like her.

I don't "hate" her, but I am getting tired of her. Th thing is those commercials always seem to last about ten seconds longer than they need to.

As for the punching, there's a lot of right-wing nutbags I'd like to attack, but the one that springs to mind the most is Joe the Plumber. Sarah Palin may be a crazy idiot, but she was elected to high office. She at least has some reason for her views to carry weight in the American political scene, backward, ignorant, and offensive as those views might be. But Joe? What the FUCK has he ever done that anyone should care about his opinion on FUCKING ANYTHING?

Oh, also, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the military dictator of Maricopa County, Arizona.

Posted by: Todd at August 28, 2009 9:41 AM

5. Sparkle THIS!!

Method:

I'd have to infiltrate a photo shoot to do this, but since I'm not a Twilight fan, I'll be able to sneak in no problem. As I line up Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Stephenie Meyer to "get a shot", I run off to the side of the room. And run back, with my fist cocked, and punch all of them right in the fucking neck as I pass them by.

Witticism(s):

RPatz: "THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU IN THE FUCKING MAZE!"

KStew: "STOP BEING SO GODDAMN BORING!"

TLaut: "FUCK OFF, SHARK BOY!"

SMeye: "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR MORMON WET DREAMS, YOU STUPID C**T!"

Musical Selection:

Decode by Paramore. The movie was shitty, but I still loved the Paramore song. (I kinda have a crush on Hailey Williams.)

4. The Octomom in the Octagon

Method:

Setting a money trap in the middle of the road, I lure the Octomom into range. Then, whilst suspended in a wire fu harness I borrowed from Michael Bay, I swing in and sock her right in the windpipe. Once for each kid she has. Fox buys up the rights to the footage, only to turn around and sell them to Spike TV.

Witticism(s):

BOOM, BABY! (after every single punch)

Musical Selection:

The Peter Gunn Theme, by Henry Mancini. What can I say? It's the theme of justice.

3. Heiglfield

Method:

After posing as a Hollywood agent ready to discuss the possibility of casting Katherine Heigl in a "prestige picture", I set up a meeting at a Hollywood restaurant where a majority of Academy Award winners/board members will be present for dinner. I enjoy a light salad entree with salmon, her a roasted rainbow with a side of baby. As I excuse myself from the table, I change into ninja attire and reemerge from the restroom, restraining Ms. Heigl by the weight of her Emmy bracelets, and throat punch her...27 times. I win an Academy Award for "Best Beatdown", and get to shake Jon Stewart's hand.

Witticism(s):

And the award goes to... (this will cause her to crane her head upward and smile fakely, giving me perfect throat striking range).

Musical Selection:

Teardrop, by Massive Attack. Bonus points if Hugh Laurie is watching with popcorn.

2. Que Cera Cera

Method:

Michael Cera. Walking down the street. I run from the other end, throat punch him quickly, and run away. He's not really worth extensive time or energy, and he'll probably go down like a bitch.

Witticism(s):

(unintelligible mix of foreign swears, ominous latin incantations, and lots of "you little shit".)

Musical Selection:

Dies Irae. Gotta go with the old school "wrath of God" music here.

1. Shitty: by "The Bay"

Method:

Michael Bay agrees to meet with me after I pitch him my ideas for Transformers 3. (He literally jizzes in his pants when I say "Megan Fox...exploding boobies".) After he's cleaned himself off, he meets me at the local Subway. We chat, I tell him what was wrong with Transformers 2, and then I kick his knees out from underneath him and begin to wallop him. Paramount halts development on Transformers 3, Steven Spielberg apologizes to me for letting me down and offers me a part in Interstellar. Zach Snyder also agrees to film it all Watchmen like, and we become good pals. HE'S GOT A SMILEY FACE POOL!

Witticism(s):

I DEFENDED "The Island", AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!

Musical Selection:

New Divide by Linkin Park. It's fitting because it's the Revenge of the Fallen "hero theme", and I'm revenging my fallen $14 bucks from the IMAX presentation.

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at August 28, 2009 9:47 AM

Awesome. #4-2 are the best.

Posted by: SaBrina at August 28, 2009 10:14 AM

1. Spencer and Heidi. I've got two fists, I'll do em both at once.

2. Eli Roth

3. Miley Cyrus

4. Ann Coulter/Tucker Carlson/Bill O'Reilly (insert name of any other smug self-righteous right wing pundit)

5. AND THE FUCKING GLADE LADY. I WILL GET YOU GLADE LADY AND NO AMOUNT OF CINNAMON APPLE PIE SCENTED CANDLES WILL BE ABLE TO COVER THE STENCH OF YOUR ROTTING CORPSE WHEN IM DONE WITH IT!!!

Posted by: MG at August 28, 2009 10:20 AM

1. Sean Penn (perhaps not so much now as a year ago, but old dreams die hard)

2. Glenn Beck (apparently I have it out for double-'n's)

3. Brangelina

4. Speidi

5. Anna Wintour (for all those who desperately want to punch her in the throat but are now too anorexic to lift their dominant arm.)

Posted by: Ling at August 28, 2009 10:37 AM

Fuck Bob Flay that fucking fuckstick, at best he’s a short order cook. Him and his fucking sauces.

Fuck every black republican, yes you J.C. Watts Jr., you fucking collard green eating motherfucker.

Fuck you Sandra for making me feel like a creep for wanting to eat you out all the time. I’m sorry your loser for a husband is back in jail.

Fuck you progress, you’re so fuck annoying.

Posted by: Guess Who! at August 28, 2009 11:05 AM

5. The last guy who took a picture of Speidi
4. The motherfukers who published it
3. the webtard who linked to it
2. my ISP provider for not blocking it
1. Me for bringing it up.

I FUCKING hate them, and when they finally die in a seedy motel in a murder-suicide pact fueled by Mike's Hard Lemonade, cheap coke and poison smack after MTV refuses to give them ANOTHER chance to be famous for nothing, and they're found lying in a pool of urine, vomit, detox sweat and a third party's sexual secretions, it will be gratifying that, once a quarter, they will get a corner blurb in the Weekly World News, beaten out for the headline by Bat Boy.

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at August 28, 2009 11:41 AM

OOOOOOO! My sweet, deep-fried, Lord in Heaven! I go through a list like this EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. For real reals, yo... My Doctor says that part of the reason I keep having chest pains is because I've got lousy anger managme...

Screw that. She's getting punched first - right in the goddamed turkey gobbler. Whazzat? Celebrities? But... but there's so much hate in the world and my anger bucket doth runneth over... Sigh... Here goes:

Sean Hannity: Oh, merciful heavens, how I'd enjoy punching that goddam wackjob in the Adam's apple. The sheer wave of joy I'd receive would be... Waitasec, do we only get one punch? If thems the rules, I'd go down on a blood relative to get another couple jabs at this cocksucker...

Spencer Pratt: Yeah, I know he's been said already, but - wait - fuck that. The very fact he'd be considered "celebrity" enough to be on the infamous Throat Punch Five would bloat his already celebutarded ego to critical mass... Nah, I'm passing him for the throat punch, but I'll give him a courtesy curb stomping. But just until his body stops twitching...

Matthew McConodouche: I'm not going to get into the myriad of reasons I hate this drawling prick (As I've rambled drunkenly on previous posts), but as this is the most important reason behind driving my brass knuckled fist into his esophagus, this bears repeating: HE. RUINED. BEEF. FOR. ME. Used to be I'd shove a chunk of steak into my gaping maw and I'd hear the sweet whisperings of Sam Elliott. Now all I hear is this fuckwit. And it makes the baby Jesus cry...

Tyra Banks: Again, we're walking on the thin ice of "celebrity" here, but that twat needs a ground glass-powdered knuckle sammitch. I'd throat punch her so goddam hard her trachea would retreat to the quiet confines of her vulva-cave.

I'm taking liberty with my last choice. Why? BECAUSE I LIVE IN AMERICA GODDAMIT AND TOBY KEITH'S EAGLE OF FREEDOM SAYS I CAN!

Every Single "Star" In The Cesspool Of Reality Television:
I'm lazy, so I'm just gonna copy & paste what I wrote on Facebook yesterday.
How come? Talk to the Freedom Eagle, bitches...

When I was a kid/teenager, pushing the envelope on television meant watching an alien chick deep-throat a gerbil on V and an occasional drug-deal gone sour on Miami Vice. Now? A reality show featuring a large-breasted yeast infection gets shitcanned after a competing douchebag murders and chops up a melon-headed woman who had to be identified by her fake tits.

It's fuckered that entertainment has come to this. Funny how a Celebrity Throat Punch Extravaganza winds up hosting a considerable crapbox of people who without the benefit of "reality" television, wouldn't be looked at twice. Nowadays, you can practically decide on Reality Show Contestant as a career choice, and if you're lucky - oh, if you're lucky - you just might end up with a case of crotch rot from one of the Kardashians...

Posted by: Skitz at August 28, 2009 11:49 AM

1. anyone hyping the idiotic trend known as Twitter. Get a life, already!

2. Madonna (a.k.a. the female Gene Simmons)

3. Nickelback (a disgrace to Canada)

4. Gary Bettman (NHL commish)

5. Bono

6. Hank Paulson & all other Goldman Sachs/Wall St. shitheels

7. Michael Coren (Canadian Pajibans will know who this conservative cocksucker is).

Posted by: oskar at August 28, 2009 12:01 PM

Just to be fair, here's a list of non-famous people I'd like to sock in the gullet:

Marc Froener: (Little Rock, Arkansas) Those pictures of my testicles with the googly eyes were never meant for the Judge to see, you backstabbing ass...

Olivia Coope: (Northbranch, Kentucky) Remember when you said that scab was from your zipper and was nothing I needed to worry about? Tell that to the warts...

Troy Kohlnig: (Pentauk, Rhode Island) You can say it until Judgement Day comes, but I know you stole my Storm Shadow. Both you and your mother are liars.

Lucian Hosking: (LaCrosse, Wisconsin) I don't care if she's not "into" freaks - bottom line is we paid for an hour with Wendel, we want an hour with Wendel.

Krenzke Kriedermier: (Whereabouts Unknown) I miss you, Dad.

Posted by: Skitz at August 28, 2009 12:42 PM

Limiting us to five? Cruel. Here's the five that I would punch in the throat with brass knuckles:

5. Rush Limbaugh
4. Arnold Schwazenagger
3. Dick Cheney
2. George W. Bush
1. Spencer

Posted by: Jeni at August 28, 2009 12:44 PM

I'm kind of surprised by all the hatred for Glenn Beck. Did he say something particularly mean in the past few weeks? At least he has a pretty good grasp of economics and makes an effort to bring on people to help the audience understand more. I don't care for his stance on social issues but he's not a completely brainless shill like Hannity. I'd put any number of Neo-Con thugs ahead of him on this list.

Posted by: Eep at August 28, 2009 1:13 PM

I know it's technically not a celebrity, but here goes:

That Look On Robbin Williams Face From That Movie Where He's Running For President Or Something. Go On, Look It Up. I'll Wait:

...

...

...

(cough)

...

...

Did you find it? That. That's the look, if it could appear in physical form, that I'd throat-punch. YES, I KNOW YOU CAN'T PUNCH A LOOK, I'M JUST SAYIN'!

Posted by: Skitz at August 28, 2009 1:15 PM

5. Rupert Murdoch. He may be single-handedly responsible for the erosion of journalism, and even if he isn't, he's a rotten bastard for foisting FOX "news" on us.
4. The talking heads who work for Murdoch. c.f., above.
3. David Horowitz. Anti-intellectualism at its worst, and a whiny motherfucker to boot.
2. Laurell K. Hamilton. She wrote mediocre, if mildly entertaining, novels - right up to the point where she threw off editors, consistency with her own mythos, and any sort of plot or characterization in favor of really badly written porn. And then she claimed to have "invented" the vampire genre. Maybe Anne Rice will punch her in the throat first, since Bram Stoker is dead.
1. Stephenie Meyer. For taking ALL the sex and death out of the vampire myth and making millions of fucking dollars, then complaining because people make fun of her "work". I would gladly trade the four previous entries if I could throat punch her five times.

Posted by: Reba at August 28, 2009 1:32 PM

Chest pains, you too Skitz? My fucking doctor says the same thing to me although my pains come from being O’ motherfuckin’ bese. But now I just don’t give a fuck anymore, I’m a fat forty-two year old pig that loves going to burger king late at night to suck down a couple of whoppers.

Fuck my stuttering.

Fuck all the women in my life who refused my sexual advances.

Fuck that lady’s dog that I accidently ran over in high school, the motherfucker should have been on a leash.

Fuck the Republican Party.

Fuck Kevin Smith.

Fuck Racer X.

Fuck Pepper Steak.

Posted by: Guess Who! at August 28, 2009 1:34 PM

Here's another thing I'd like to punch in the friggin' throat...

Break Media: You know guys, huh? Well apparently, you don't know that they friggin' hate your stupid ad standing between me and some snark, you bloated pustule... Yeah, I know Papa Rowles in putting food on the table, but holy frick, just pay for a banner ad along the side and be done with it - look how good it's done for the freakish Pamela Anderson Side Boob Animal Cruelty Site. I visit that at least six times a day, and oftentimes, it's the last thing I check before heading out to church on Sundays...


Posted by: Skitz at August 28, 2009 2:10 PM

I want to change my list based on other people's comments that made me go "DUH! Must rethink this!". So here it is.

1. Bono
2. The Kardashians (each and every single one of them)
3. Oprah
4. Paris Hilton
5. Speidi

Bonus (because I can't bring myself to remove anyone from my list)

5.5 Stephanie Meyer
5.6 The creators of Axe sprays, the fucktards who shill it and the assholes who wear it. This includes my own brother. Nasty fucking shit that smells like douche in a can.

Posted by: figgy at August 28, 2009 3:19 PM

1. Bono- all the pussy this guy can be gettin’ and he’s out somewhere singing about the fucking rain forest.

2. George Clooney- another one of those fucking do-gooders, all the pussy this guy could be gettin’ and he’s hanging out at the U.N. giving boring speeches.

Do you think if I had a bankable talent I’d be wasting it on doing good, fuck no, I’d be out laying pipe.

Posted by: Guess Who! at August 28, 2009 3:52 PM

Tim McCarver - Makes me hate baseball and is thus un-American and the terrorists win.

Bret Favre - Who will retire after the second Vikings/Packers game this season.

Jeremy Piven - Makes everything worse and even managed to make some of his doucheness rub off on John Cusack. Yes. I blame him.

Peter Griffin from Family Guy - Hate that guy.

HeidiMontagSpencerPratt - I am sure this is really just one person. And if you have to ask why, you need a punch to the throat too.

Posted by: greer at August 28, 2009 6:07 PM

1.) Matthew McConaughey

2.) Spencer Pratt

3.) Ashton Kutcher

4.) Perez Hilton

5.) Kate Hudson

Posted by: Kelli at August 29, 2009 1:24 AM

I had to google Speidi and Octomom. It wasn't worth the time and effort. Now I hate all of you.

Posted by: TSF at August 30, 2009 1:25 PM

Oh, what a lousy bit of news for a Monday. Disney is gonna have it's way with Marvel. That's about as wonderful as an ass-tumor...

Disney: I like you. I really do. But holy flopsacks, leave Marvel alone. You've already pooped on music with Hannah Montana and the Jonas Bros. You've cross-mingled every goddam show you've got, having Zac & Cody and that one chick and whatshisface and all those other annoying kids guest star on whatsherpuss' show. What's next? The cast of High School Musical showing up as teens in peril in The Avengers? Having Iron Man prevent a crazed fan from kidnapping Miley Cyrus? Stick to what you know, Disney - you do it well - but keep your greasy mitts off a franchise that's finally starting to do good on it's own. Yeah, you get a throat punch. Actually, seven small ones from a team of hard-working little people with quirky personality traits who may or may not have had sexual relations with an albino skinned girl with a bitch of a stepmother...

Posted by: Skitz at August 31, 2009 2:11 PM

NO MICHAEL VICK ON THIS LIST?????? THE ABU GHARAIB WARDEN OF DOGS?????

1. Michael Vick

Now y'all look at that Mayonnaise ad of Bobby Flay up there and tell me you love mango saucy cilantro sauce.

SAYYYYYYYYY ITTTT!!!!!

Posted by: Stacy D at August 31, 2009 5:29 PM

I'm afraid Michael Vick isn't worthy of a throat punch - It'd be more deserving to tie him down, smear a few cans of Alpo on his face & neck and let a bunch of hungry puppies have at him. Re-apply Alpo and hungry puppies until you can see bone...

Then let a Rottweiler all hopped up on narcotics have at the exposed bone...

Posted by: Skitz at August 31, 2009 6:03 PM

Today, I'd like to throat punch...

Snyder's Of Hannover Pretzel Company: Now listen - I know it's not necessarily your fault that the bag I got from the vending machine is as stale as all get-out, but holy shit, pretzel people - it's like the third time in a row! Yes, I could blame it on the guy who refills the machine, but that's small potatoes, dig? I think a better option would be for you, in good faith, to keep me swimming in a sea of salted, baked dough for the remainder of my days. Until I hear back from you... Well, I guess you're on the throat-punch list. Make it right, Snyder's... Make it right.

Posted by: Skitz at September 1, 2009 1:07 PM

Today's throat punch is...

Peyo: For those not in the know, Peyo is a Belgian cartoonist who introduced the world to Smurfs (aka Schtoumpf) in 1958. While simple in thought, the origin and scientific nature of the creatures has never been explained. This makes me angry, as I have many, many questions. For that, Peyo deserves a knuckle sandwich right in the garglehole...

Posted by: Skitz at September 2, 2009 10:51 AM

Although Peyo officially took today's honors, I'm going to add another...

Stingy Wasabi Ice Queen: Listen lady, there's twelve pieces of sushi in the container, right? I think we're in agreeance with that. That being said, how can you possibly think the pea-sized dollop of wasabi is going to adequately handle that many pieces? Was I in the wrong for requesting more? No. I should think not. But sweet bologna clusters, you'd have thought I'd asked for the impossible what with the way you reacted. Last time I checked, you were getting paid minimum wage for a reason and today? That reason was giving me more fucking wasabi. Throat-Jab for you, m'lady. And a spicy one at that...

Posted by: Skitz at September 2, 2009 2:56 PM

Oh, I knew this was a winner as soon as I saw it...

Poopy Breathed Humanpede: I'll never see the movie, but holy macaroni, this thing's seven flavors of freaky stupid. No-kneed, no toothed, flying purple pooper eater? ARE YOU CRAZY?! Of course you are, you writhing pile of suck. How many throats you rockin' there, Mizz Millimananapede? Three so far? Fantastic - I'll start at the top and work my way down. ONE! One throat punch! HAHAHAHA! TWO! Two throat punches! HAHAHA! THREE! Three throat punches! Wheee!

Now I gotta puke...

Posted by: Skitz at September 3, 2009 1:02 PM

Man... Ain't got nobody today. So... uh. Yeah.

Summer Rapidly Coming to a Close: Here's a suntanned arm with an attached fist for you... Every year you show up and take away some good times... This year you get a punch in the turkey gizzard, you leaf-turning, early frosting, pinecone making prick. The summer winds, came sailing in...

(...sob...)

Posted by: Skitz at September 8, 2009 1:31 PM

Today? Hmm... Well, I suppose it's kind of rude, but fuck it.

The Beatles: All of them, no particular order. I've already shelled out enough dough on your goddam albums and now you wanna re-release them? Geez, thanks a boatload. I'll just ignore the other compilations/originals/best of/etc... and feel obligated to buy your new box set. Shit - maybe I should wait another year or two just in case George Lucas decides to change the ending of Rocky Raccoon and digitally toss in a 3D Stuart Sutcliffe? Decisions... Throat punches to you.

Posted by: Skitz at September 9, 2009 2:55 PM