Pajiba

I was probably eight, maybe nine. I lived in an condo complex that had a pool and I was in that pool every frickin' day. Accross from me lived a girl named Chandra, who I think was a year older than me and an amazingly huge bitch for essentially being a little kid. Twenty years later I am still in awe of this kid's bitchitude (but that is for another comment diversion). I was at Chandra's birthday pool party and I spent most of the party under water, with a snorkel, chipping this chick's name into the pool plaster. A few days later the management found Chandra's name chipped into the pool and told her parents about it. Her parents made her pay, out of her allowence, to have the pool replastered. It never even crossed anyone's mind that anyone other than her might of do it. There, that's my deep, dark secret. Now you all know.

I didn't get away completely for this one but I feel the punishment did not fit the severity of the crime.

My freshmen year, me and several of my friends filled up a moving bin with at least 100 gallons of water, soap and garbage. These bins are huge, big enough that two or three people can fit in them, so I am estimating how much water they can hold. Anyways, myself and another kid pushed the cart down the stairs from the top floor, flooding six flights of stairs as well as a few rooms. The destruction was pretty intense and needless to say there were some very pissed off individuals on our floor and we only got caught because someone snitched on us. The head of discipline in our dorm complex laughed when we told him what happened and told us to clean the weight room for two weeks. We did it once (halfassed, of course) and never heard back from him.

A former landlord was an absolute prick when I stopped by at a reasonable time and made a reasonable request - asking for mail.

I spent the summer sending him junk mail: travel brochures, diaper samples, sanitary napkin samples. Any junk mail I could arrange for him to receive I did. It's not exactly the fabulousness of the Chandra story, but it was very satisfying.

I just flashed Pajiba.

Driving drunk repeatedly while a young, dumb fucker. I did it for years. It culminated with getting stopped by an officer in my hometown while I was high on opium and weed, and pretty drunk. He didn't figure it out, and let me go. One week later, same guy pulled me over and arrested me for a DUII. Blew a .08 (ironic, no?).

I also worked a job for years in which I fucked off constantly, yet was praised and lauded as a great employee (including employee of the month a few times, and, once, employee of the year). I have no idea how people never figured out that I was a totally useless jackass.

But, I grew up and figured things out. I'll close by saying I no longer act like a brain damaged dipshit.

Theft over $5,000. I was good.

In my early teens my older brother, a cousin our age and me used to run around getting into all kinds of mischief.The two highlights of which were:

1) We once set a large section of I75 on fire.

2) Sank a police boat. Across from our house there was a large park with a river running through it. One day after a huge storm we found a marked police boat floating free, apparently having pulled loose from where it was tied. After playing around with it for a few hours, we couldn't get it started, we sank it. But we sank it in too shallow water, about 6 inches of the windshield was above water. The boat set there for three days before it suddenly disappeared.

It was all my brothers fault, but we were never caught.

i tried to crack a safe when i was 5.

Guess I'll throw in my best driving story to. I got caught for this but he let me go so technically I guess I got away with it.

When I was in the Army two friends and I were partying in Mexico where we met three very lovely ladies. One of them had driven her car across the border so we all piled in and me, being the most sober, was elected the driver. After we got through the check point station on the US side I was trying to figure out how to turn the headlights on and cruised right through a stop sign without noticing. Of course there was a cop right there who pulled us over. It turns out the car had expired plates and the owner did not have insurance. So there we were, drunk driving with the headlights off, going through stop signs in a car with no insurance and expired plates.

But I guess it was the coolest cop alive because he looked in the car, looked at me, and let me go.

Hate to rehash the over-used "True story" phrase, but it's true enough to deserve it:

I pissed on the Alamo in San Antonio at around 11-12am one night in September 1980. It wasn't for the thrill of it, though I did snicker like a punk to myself while I was doing it- I REALLY needed to piss after a number of Lone Stars, and my best friend's brother happened to pull over there.

I think this was after Ozzie did it, but I didn't read that he had at all until a few years later, & got a kick out of that.

My friends and I got really drunk one Saturday night before parliamentary elections in Croatia and peed in front of the HQ of the political party that's been fucking the country up the last 20 years. There are cameras and guards there. We heard someone following us and ran into a backyard praying that we were just imagining things. Didn't get caught. Fuckers got elected, though. Still fucking shit up...

Uh, yeah...it's too bad we couldn't all have been born as mature and refined as someone who named himself after a treatment used to draw out pus.

The biggest scandal I'm willing to 'fess up to publicly? To date, I've done the nasty (actually, it was kind of nice) in three National parks. The mister and I are outdoorsy people.

I also once did the nasty on the Lincoln memorial. As in the National Mall Lincoln. That thing is higher up than you think . . .

Well hell, since I'm on someone else's pc in another state I don't suppose it would do much harm to tell what I got away with: my new girlfriend, some really ugly bitch, talked me into killing her loudmouthed little half-pint ex-husband a few weeks back by kicking out a ladder from under him so we could sell his shit & score some crack.

The kicker is, turns out the midget's some kind of washed-up celebrity who had a hard-on for toy trains. I shit you not, toy trains!

Now, I'm an ugly bastard and a mean prick, no doubt. But this poor little dude couldn't have been much of a "celebrity" if he couldn't do any better than this skank I'm stuck with now.

The first Jeff Reed story reminded me of the time I was a wee bit tipsy at the old Yankee Stadium and became irate that the toilet paper dispenser was only giving me one sheet at a time so I tore it off the wall. I'm happy to report the new stadium has no such problems.

Also, I'm very not proud to admit that there have certainly been times that I should have been busted for DUI (including one time I was actually questioned by a cop *in a liquor store* while I was buying more booze to avoid being sober).

Oh, and Sabrina's post made me remember the time I smuggled some weed in my push-up bra and a pipe in my boots on a plane from NYC to Seattle. It was the more simpler times before 9/11, and when the metal detector went off near my feet I just explained my boots were steel-toe and was sent on my way. Why I thought I wouldn't be able to buy a pipe in Seattle, I have no idea. I was just a dumb college kid.

Lots of public naughtiness when my now-husband & I first starting dating. Parks, movie theatres, while driving, etc. In our case, however, it wasn't so much for the thrill, but because we both lived at home & didn't have anywhere else to screw around.
I did once give him a handjob in his dining room while his mother was watching TV in the adjacent living room. That was kind of for the thrill...

My sister's best friend's brother raped my sister while she was almost passed out drunk at the best friend's sixteenth birthday party -- parents out of town. He thought she was all the way out, but she could still see, she just couldn't talk or move, drifting in and out. Her first thought was that it was a bad dream, but she hadn't had sex yet and there was blood. She never told anyone but me because she was so embarrassed and felt like the whole thing was her fault because she drank so much. He seemed to think he had got away with it because she didn't say anything and didn't act like she knew someone had had sex with her. He was friends with some of my friends and we ended up at some of the same parties. He acted like we were buddies and I didn't say a thing. After about five weeks, my sister still didn't get her period. She asked me to go with her to the doctor to see. The saturday before we were supposed to go, I was partying with some friends and the brother was there, things broke up at about two in the morning, almost everybody was already passed out, but he still wanted to drink so I offered to hang out with him. He was really wasted and it wasn't hard to talk him into stealing his dad's boat. I got him to drink until he passed out and then drove out about two miles from shore. I gave him a good smack at the back of the head and dropped him in the water. When I got to within a half mile of shore, I lit the boat on fire and swam the rest of the way -- I wasn't that drunk. It was like four in the morning and no one noticed the boat until it was almost gone, the coast guard didn't get there before it sunk. I guess they think he took the boat by himself, cause no one ever even asked me about it, not even the other people who were drinking with us. Even my sister thought he killed himself by accident. The kicker is that she was so broken up by the accident that she had the baby and put it up for adoption.

I greenlit the "Twilight" movies. I'm so, so sorry.

@ Last Chance. Um. Holy shit.

the summer after our senior year in high school, my best friend and i worked in a cvs drug store. we used to stock shelves, work the cash registers, and flirt with the boys on staff. we would play with the merchandise (water fights with the contact lens solution), ring up everything in our friend's/family's carts for $.05 each, and take a ton of expired coupons from them as well. we went through so much merchandise and played the "nickel game" so often, that when we left for college, the store had to call in their loss prevention experts to figure out what the hell was happening.

During my college years I worked for a vending machine company. They were really half-assed about pretty much everything and soon I discovered a way to fudge the numbers and skim a dollar or two from each machine. I had to maintain a few hundred machines every week so it really added up after a while. It was sometimes double my salary, in fact. I was friends with a young single mom who lived nearby and I'd pay her to count and roll all the coins I'd skim. It was most definitely enough money to have merited jail time if I'd gotten caught. I don't do that sort of thing anymore, these days I limit my thefts to office supplies and such, which I consider more of a perk, anyway.

I once found myself at a party hosted by a person who was once a, uh, romantic rival of mine, let's say. While I was using his bathroom, I took a look in the medicine cabinet and found a full bottle of ten milligram hydrocodones in there. I took all of them (not "took" as in swallowed, I stole them) and filled the bottle with some generic Tylenol he had in the same cabinet. And I thoroughly enjoyed them, too.

Pre 9/11 I once flew from Newark to Vegas with an ounce of weed in my shoes, a half crammed into each toe. Not one of my better ideas, I have to admit, my feet were killing me by the time I finally checked in. Now I just pack it with my checked luggage, way easier.

I once told a dude to post a made-up story about premeditated murder on a movie website.

Wow. Some of you guys were downright dangerous back in the day. Okay, here's a few biggies of mine in order:

- Ran over a dog. I was in high school and passing through a neighborhood before classes one morning. As I drove past, this little yappy dog took off from its owners yard and started chasing down my car. Then it caught me...and ran under my tire. Or maybe hit the undercarriage. Either way I'll never forget that "d'domph-domph-YIPE!" sound.

I stopped the car, ran out and saw the dog. He'd pooped himself from the shock, was rolled over on his back with paws up. THEN I saw his owner, an older woman who was tending her garden that morning.

I freaked, got back in the car, and bolted. I still feel horrible about the whole thing even decades later.

- Bounced a check to an airline for a ticket. This was pre-911, natch. I don't even think they'll take personal checks anymore. I knew I didn't have the money in my account, but for some reason it never showed up in my bank registry. Maybe the clerk at the counter never deposited it? I should be so lucky. I guess we could change "bounced a check to an airline" to "committed fraud against an airline". Gleeps.

- Drove home drunk. Yeah some of you guys have written about it too, but mine was in the afterglow of the best goddamn Mardi Gras party I've ever been part of. My "big sister" was dating this wonderfully blue-collar guy that I got along great with...though not as well as her ex-husband (but that whole scene's another story). He had just bought a house and was having a big Mardi Gras party with his family and other swingin' biker-types that I'd met a few times before. I was heading into a wonderful drunken stupor before dark.

After dark, somehow we started attracting neighbors and other people on the street who were coming back from the last parade (Baccus, mebbe? I'm not sure.). Then a truck with a three/four piece rock band shows up...and after a while they fall into a Beatles medley. For about an hour, young, old, black, white, stoned, drunk, sober, were all spontaneously dancing to the spontaneous music of the Fab Four.

Then as the party dissipated, as they all do, I was faced with the need to drive home...and I was DRU-UNK! As in "do not drive" drunk. I remember talking to our host, so wasted I got unnecessarily emotional and started blubbering about how glad I was we were friends, and blah-blah-sniffle-blubber-blah. Then I told him I was okay to drive home.

I do not remember driving home.

I DO recall a moment of lucidity at a stoplight. That was about 3-5 seconds IIRC.

The next morning, I woke up in (my) bed, somewhat dressed. I put enough clothes on to go outside, and noticed I'd parked not perfectly, but amazingly well for someone who really didn't remember the experience.

It was MARDI GRAS, guys. New Orleans cops are trained to look for people EXACTLY like me, and are so busy during that time that I'd have been arrested without so much as a "howyermomanem'?" I frankly find it a minor miracle that I woke up slightly confused at home instead of bemoaning and regretful in a drunk tank. That same day, I made a decision to SERIOUSLY change my drinking habits. Now my alcoholic content is limited to New Year's Eve at home with the wife...and I've become QUITE the lightweight again.

So yeah, I'm a pet-hating, cowardly drunk fraudster. Spank me, Pajibettes. I deserve it.

Harder. HARDER!

Murders. A lot of them.

I'd even go so far as to say serial murders.

Nieve will never confess but I used to have a twin called Bladine.

Mum and dad tell me I dreamt it, and that Bladine fell down a well, BUT I SAW WHAT NIEVE DID

Malechai.....ew. EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I mean...unless her parents where total dickweeds

@Mr Wassestorf:

You're my new hero, good sir! My brother and I were taught better than to run around screaming in public places when were were half these kid's age, no damn excuse for it.

One of maybe 4 reasons total I like cell phones: When I'm in a grocery store and my peripheral vision catches one of those clueless little pricks working their way towards me, I whip out my phone and act like I'm deep in conversation. When the timing's right, I stand hard as a statue, or do a quick turnaround at just the right minute -- BAM! The bawling little snot nose is on his ass, the parent's yelling at them and apologozing to me, and I'm giving MY "clueless" look while she's hauling him off and I'm saying "sorry 'bout that, little fellah" - HAH!! Good times.

Oh, and Last Chance- lighting the boat on fire? That's GENIUS!! I don't think I'd have had the presence of mind to think of that after everything else. You certainly had your ducks in a row.

I learn some good stuff on Pajiba.

My sister's best friend's brother raped my sister while she was almost passed out drunk at the best friend's sixteenth birthday party -- parents out of town. He thought she was all the way out, but she could still see, she just couldn't talk or move, drifting in and out. Her first thought was that it was a bad dream, but she hadn't had sex yet and there was blood. She never told anyone but me because she was so embarrassed and felt like the whole thing was her fault because she drank so much. He seemed to think he had got away with it because she didn't say anything and didn't act like she knew someone had had sex with her. He was friends with some of my friends and we ended up at some of the same parties. He acted like we were buddies and I didn't say a thing. After about five weeks, my sister still didn't get her period. She asked me to go with her to the doctor to see. The saturday before we were supposed to go, I was partying with some friends and the brother was there, things broke up at about two in the morning, almost everybody was already passed out, but he still wanted to drink so I offered to hang out with him. He was really wasted and it wasn't hard to talk him into stealing his dad's boat. I got him to drink until he passed out and then drove out about two miles from shore. I gave him a good smack at the back of the head and dropped him in the water. When I got to within a half mile of shore, I lit the boat on fire and swam the rest of the way -- I wasn't that drunk. It was like four in the morning and no one noticed the boat until it was almost gone, the coast guard didn't get there before it sunk. I guess they think he took the boat by himself, cause no one ever even asked me about it, not even the other people who were drinking with us. Even my sister thought he killed himself by accident. The kicker is that she was so broken up by the accident that she had the baby and put it up for adoption.
you sir are the best est brother ever coming from Utah Dynamo that is saying something i would do the same thing if anybody ever tries to kidnap and rape my youngest cousin. i want to join the Elizabeth Smart search and rescue Team for that reason. i have to make up for sharing my name with Elizabeth Smart's Kidnapper and Rapist.

Nevermind, I mean the post from Last Chance. Yikes.

I stole Dirk Benedict's coffee mug.

Bleh! - "taking my brother's best friend's virginity on his 15th birthday" how is that a bad thing, I would have been overjoyed to be that best friend.

Most are from the ol' college days or the few years right after graduation.

I took a motorcycle for a joyride for at 2 in the morning for 5 hours and parked it in the exact same spot. I'm not sure they even knew it was gone.

During a bar crawl in a very small tourist town, a few of us went to the bathroom to do a few lines of coke. Being slightly drunk it didn't seem like a bad idea to do them on the sink since the stalls where occupied. Someone came in and called the cops. We ran out the back of the bar just in time to see the cops pull into the back parking lot. So we went to the bar next door, ordered a few drinks and sat at a table very calmly as the cops came in looking for us.

I forged the expiration date of my Eurorail pass a few times and got almost a whole year of free train transportation across Europe. Although it was a little anxiety provoking every time they checked the pass.

I went to Cuba in the late 80's with only a change of clothes and an extra large suitcase of tinned foodstuffs, like salmon, that I'd bought in Costa Rica. I traded the food for the best Cuban cigars stolen by some of the workers in the "factories". Then I smuggled them into the U.S. and sold them for a shitload of money that helped pay for school.

I was in an airport waiting for a flight and trying to make a phone call on the only pay phone. The lady on the phone knew I was waiting and still just kept talking and talking. I asked her politely if she would be finished soon as I really needed to make the call. She gave me the stank eye and kept talking about nothing for another 10 minutes. When she left she forgot her boarding pass and ticket on the shelf of the phone. A took them into a bathroom stall and shredded them into the "ladies items" container. While I was in line to board my flight she came over with a police officer and said "Her, she's the one" just like a bad movie. He asked if I knew anything about her ticket and boarding pass and I said I didn't even recognize her. He asked to look in my purse and I let him. She's throwing a tantrum by this time, wanting me arrested, etc. but he just let me board the plane.

There are others but I'm starting to look like a real criminal, so I'll just end by saying the best thing I ever got away with was passing the Determination of Moral Character application that's required by the State Bar in order to be a lawyer in California.

I have driven drunk more times than could be counted. I have had two wrecks while driving drunk, one of which totaled the car I was in, but I live in a small east Texas town so I just drove away because no one saw.

I have stolen maybe 10 grand worth of food from various grocery stores when in college. Everything from lunch meat to frozen pizzas. I have also stolen many bottles of wine from the same grocery stores.

I also stole or helped steal maybe 20 grand worth of merchandise from a high end furniture/bedding store I used to work at. I had colleagues helping out though.

I have been pulled over while drunk, with weed xanax, and coke in the car. I was quite pleased to accept that speeding ticket from that officer and watch him walk back to his car. I couldn't possibly count how many drug related felonies I have accumulated. I did a line at a party, then walked out on the front porch to smoke a cig, only to be confronted by an angry officer who was busting our party. I was underage, had a beer in my hand and weed and a pipe in my pocket. I was shaky and jittery as hell because, cocaine's a helluva a drug. Anyway I somehow held it together and got only a consumption by a minor charge, which was dismissed because the cop filled out the ticket incorrectly.

I have trespassed many times, the most awesome being a grain silo that was probably 15 stories high. Me and some friends climbed a rusty ladder all the way to the top. We also stole maybe a hundred or two pounds of corn and grain to try and make homemade whisky. We failed in that endeavor, though. Another friend went back to same silo later and got arrested for trying to drive off in a forklift.

Once, to get back at a guy we didn't like, some friends and I went into a rent house just after the disliked friend had moved out. We smashed up the house and caused like 8 grand in damages that he eventually had to pay for. We pissed on the carpet and busted out wall panels.

I drove drunk several times too when I was a young asshole, but that was so long ago that our cars were like Fred Flintstone's and no one could really get hurt. Damn, I miss brontosaurus burgers.

I was stationed on a warship in Japan and returned to the ship drunk as hell. While perusing the inner workings of the urinal, I was inspired to toilet paper the entire bathroom. By the time I was done, I wanted to weep at its beauty. I wrapped TP around every possible nook and cranny and DIDN'T BREAK THE ROLL ONCE despite having my devasting inebriation and the awful quality of Navy TP working against me. I have no idea how long it took but it's a miracle no one got up to piss in that time.

Come morning, everyone had to break through my artistic genius to relieve themselves. I guess some people didn't appreciate it, so some chiefs and officers were called in and they were PISSED OFF!!! They lined everyone up and lectured us about maturity and honor/courage/commitment. Only my best friend (RIP) knew I did it at the time and he didn't say a word.

There's nothing like seeing a Commander and a Master Chief lose their shit over some toilet paper.

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