Pajiba

How about a sport in which players and coaches take on the media in verbal ass whipping battles? I'm referring to the "suck it" and "keep sucking it" that Diego Maradona flung at the Argentine media last week after the world cup qualifier against Uruguay. Fuck me, did that piece get aired in the US? I want to high five that coke head bloated party animal motherfucker Maradona, just for having the balls and swagger to tell the media que la chupen y que la siguen mamando. What a bawler.

Calvinball for the win.

So ... this is going over well.

I know we tend to be not so much interested in sports, possibly because the Pajibian demographic breaks down as something like 2:1 female. Still, I thought maybe the ladiezz would have fun making up a sport that they would actually watch or play. Maybe we're all too busy fucking and getting drunk? Yeah, that's probably it ...

*Reminder to self: Write more hate-themed diversions (and the occasional really nice one).*

Lwa'e'

You know I love you, my little filly, but ... really? The horses in your sport "suffer" because the judges are stupid? "No sugar cubes and carrots for YOU, Sarah Jessica! Hey, don't whinny to ME about it, blame the judge."

Slim invents the sport of Skitz baiting. Well done, sir! I said WELL DONE!

Full contact Boggle. There's also a bit of Balderdash thrown in, because if you can convincingly justify the existence of a word, you should be able to use it.
And if someone tries to say a word doesn't exist and it DOES, you have every right to open a giant dictionary, point it out to them, and use their head as a bookmark.

I, on occasion, make up hilarious to retarded sports in my dreams. My most recent and well conceived sport was Underwater Basketball.
This consists of a swimming pool with all the usual court markings in neon lights, naturally, and a giant floating keyboard at each end where a tune has to be played, using the ball, in order to score points. Points are awarded for tone, melody and complexity of said tune.
As for my other dream sports the other one that sticks out most clearly in my mind is Power Finger. Hopefully I don't have to explain the logistics of that.

Sorry, forgot the most important rule. If someone says you can't count a word and its plural as two separate words, you have to arm wrestle. This is a little bit fixed, since the pro-plurals player will have stronger arm muscles from writing all those extra words. And I will . . . uh, I mean that player will own your ass.

Plurals count, bitch.

No Slim, you need more than a sentence. For example:

Doucherousness [DOOSH-er-uhs-nis]
noun
1. The quality or state of being a douche
2. Doucherous conduct or practices
3. A doucherous act or thing

Related terms: Doucherous (adjective); douche (noun); Barbado Slim (proper noun, within limited context)

Antonyms: Awesometasticness (noun); MyySharona (proper noun)

Noobs.

For the real dirt, and I do mean real, you gotta go to gardeners for hardcore competitiveness.

Bulb racing.

Plant a selection of spring-blooming bulbs, in the fall. (planting season has recently closed, at least to everyone north of the Mason-Dixon line.)

Wait till spring. First one to get a flower wins.

My mother and I used to do this. For real. After the first couple years I won, consistently. (She'd go with crocus, that were bright enough to see from inside. But I had snowdrops - had to get out there and look for them, camouflaged in the snow - but by Godtopus, I had first bloom.)

Beat that.

this thread adik kasi.

i said, ADIK KASI.

College Competitive Cooking. I know we've got Iron Chef for true competitive cooking, but I want there to be a college division where there's no secret ingredient. Just the fridge and pantry of some random college student (grad or undergrad, both are either broke or of such poor taste in food to make it interesting). Oh yeah, and you can only use the cookware and appliances they have too.

I mean, anyone can make a good meal involving coconut given the excellent resources Iron Chef affords. I want to see you make a kick ass meal out of chicken flavor ramen, peanut butter, chili garlic sauce, the remnants of a block of cheddar, frozen mixed veggies, and whatever else you can find*. Bonus points if you make more than one dish OR if you can cook your entire meal using only one vessel, thus streamlining cleanup.

*Seriously, anyone got ideas? Those are actual items in my kitchen right now that I need to try and make into a meal. I'm thinking a bastard version of Pad Thai.

No hating on girls. My dream sport is Chicken Soccer. There are 3 parts to this:

1. Soccer. Wonderful, phenomenal, excellent sport if played correctly. And the correct way to play it is with vim and vigor and violence. So generally, the rules of soccer.
2. Chicken Fighting. There are 22 players on the field at once, 11 on the ground and 11 on their shoulders. To avoid the inevitable "giants and midgets" phenomenon, each time a goal is scored, the "tops" and "bottoms" must switch.
3. Chicken. The game starts, not with a kickoff, but with 2 pairs running at the ball along a straight line toward each other to see who gets control. If one pair deviates from the line, the other pair automatically gets the ball.

Also, Rusty, my college has this sport. Seriously.

Speaking of Olympic clusterfucks:

RIO DE JANEIRO (AP) -- Drug traffickers shot down a police helicopter during a
gunbattle between rival gangs Saturday, killing two officers in a burst of violence
just two weeks after the city was chosen to host the 2016 Olympic Games.

Ten suspected drug traffickers were also killed during the fighting in a
shantytown, along with two bystanders in the slum, officials said.
---
To steal a line from a co-worker: Rio is like Afghanistan, with conga lines and thongs.

Melted Butter Luge. During the summer you line the luge course with melted butter and ride that fucker down. you stop when you hit a pile of popcorn.

Douche Skeet Shooting. Douche gets launched into the air and then you shoot him with rock salt pellets. Bonus points if you can knock that stupidly-tilted hat off the jerk-offs head.

Men's football: This is football with old school rules allowing the clothesline, the leg whip, bump-and-run coverage the length of the field and my personal favorite, the head slap. There is no roughing the passer and refs who call celebration penalties will be torn apart by wild dogs.

Figure boxing: Two underweight teenage girls face each other on a square ice rink with figure skaes and boxing gloves.

Competitive taunting: Teams win by coming with the funniest, most topical and most disturbingly scatological insults for the opposition.

Band baiting: A pack of wolves is let loose on a marching band. First nerd to make it to the other end of a football field wins. Losers . . . die.

Co-ed mind reading: A sport for married men and men in long-term relationships, competitors try tofigure out what the hell his teammate is pissed off about as she fumes and insists "Nothing's wrong. Leave me alone" or "If you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you."

Competitive Arson.

Competitive fisting.

Actually, I'm thinking that if we weren't hurting for comments that admin should be barred from the diversion, on the grounds he has an unfair advantage because Canada already has really real fucked up weird-ass sports, such as the one that combines figure skating, bowling, shuffleboard, billiards and janitorial services and airs on NATIONAL TV. You people can't be that bored.

AvB, i have no idea, but i knew it would incite you.

admin, stop trying to out-gay me.

"Ladies and gentlemen! Our winner, by prolapsed rectum..... at three minutes, fourty-seven seconds of round number two.....he is the reining, undefeated, heavy-weight champion of the wooooorld.......Ouuuuuutgayyouuuuuuuuuuu!

So this is a real sport, but it is my favorite and I want more of it. Professional lumberjack competitions. They are the best. Folks in flannel swinging axes and wielding saws at high speeds. Those trees never see it coming. My only complaint is there aren't enough women. Now a female league, that would be the best.

Snoccus - A game I used to play in highschool, it's a mix of soccer and volleyball played on a tennis court. It can be played with 2 or 4 people to a side (any more than that and it's too crowded). Think volleyball played with a soccer ball, touching the ball is soccer rules (any part of the body but your hands).

People have positions roughly analogous to those in volleyball, and are rotated through in a similar fashion. The person at the back right serves the ball. This can be done using either a drop kick or with the ball starting off on the ground.

If the ball goes straight out it's a point to the receiveing team, if it bounces once inside the (tennis doubles) boundaries then bounces out it is a point to the opposite team (similar to tennis).

The ball may bounce once before it is touched and once after, 2 bounces in a row mean a point to the opposite team, and you are allowed 3 touches before kicking back over. The ball must be passed at least once before being kicked back over.

If your team wins the round they win the next serve, but only receive a point if they had the serve that ruond (similar to volleyball).

to reiterate, points are awarded if the ball goes out of bounds when your team had last touch, if it bounces twice in a row or if it is touched by somebody's hands. Touching the net on a serve is allowed, but hitting the net (even if it makes it over) awards a point to the opposing team.

Depending on how serious we were the scoring system was either that of tennis (for serious play, games, sets, matches etc); highest number of points won in an hour (semi serious); or can be played without anyone bothering to keep track (most of the time).

Teams can be chosen however you like but we used the system of whoever got to a spot first.

This game is hella fun and I highly recommend you all give it a go, I spent most of my lunch times in my last couple of years of high school playing it with about 20-25 people (the tennis players hated us).

For those of you with awesome coordination the difficulty can be raised by using two players per team or eliminating one or both of the bounces (I recommend eliminating the second bounce before the first one).

AvB, i have no idea, but i knew it would incite you.

Oh, a weisenheimer, eh? Well, one more peep out of you, weisenheimer, and I'll butter your necktie*!

*I do not even know what this means. I watched Harvey for the first time the other night and this was an actual threat made by the bartender to Wilson from the sanitarium. However, I plan to use it as often as possible.

________WealthySocial________ . We have more than 1200,000 members including: lawyer, CEO, manager, model, actor, doctor, hollywood celebrities, althlets, investors...

I hear happyone can take both arms.

Pajibans of a certain age will remember the show "Real People" from the early-'80s. They did a segment on a guy who converted a golf course into a Frisbee golf course -- and for my soon-to-be-stoner friends and I, a lifetime obsession was born. We call it...

Enduragolf

Rules of Play -- Enduragolf is played on Saturdays at an office park or college or high school campus. Scout your surroundings throughout the week for a suitable course -- parking lots with lots of signage and grass islands, multiple buildings with breezeways and loading docks, and unused sporting venues can all be incorporated into a good course.

Order of play is determined by a frisbee flip. Each player (2 or 3 works best, as our scoring gets too elaborate to keep in your head otherwise) takes turns calling holes, which usually include 3 or 4 targets. A typical call might be "hit stop sign, land on third grass island, land on blue handicapped parking square", or "slide over both speed breakers, throw between trees, land on bench", or "from top of stands, throw through goalposts, hit scoreboard, then land on Lane 4 of track".

For advanced players only -- skipping. Any target on asphalt that can be hit or landed upon can be skipped-and-hit or -landed-upon. Our games now usually consist of 40-50% skips.

Scoring -- each player completes the hole, and score is determined by how many strokes behind the leader each other player is. The leader gets 0 points, and each trailing player gets one point per extra stroke. The score is retabulated at the end of each hole, always orienting to zero for the leader, and a "game" is won when someone's score reaches 4 or higher at the end of any hole. Play is for a predetermined amount of time (usu. 2.5 to 3 hours), and whoever has the most "games" won at the end of that time wins the "match", and is owed a frozen treat from the other players at the nearest Dairy Queen.

Penalties -- this is what truly sets Enduragolf apart from more garden-variety versions. There are permanent penalties and those which are at the discretion of the caller of any particular hole.

Permanent penalties:

Hitting a car, a window, or any flowers -- one stroke penalty.

Going out of turn -- one stroke.

Interfering with another player's frisbee -- 10 yard walkoff in opposite direction of next target.

Interfering with another player's bodily personage -- 15 yards.

Random Joe: you are bound to run across the occasional non-playing human, and it is imperative you remember that THEY ARE A PART OF THE COURSE. Often, a Random Joe will confuse your intentions in throwing your frisbee, and will want to pick it up and throw it back to you. You must do everything in your powers to prevent this from happening, as the penalty for Random Joe interference is to throw from wherever the throw lands (and, no, you may not catch a Random-Joe-thrown frisbee to mitigate the damage), plus fifteen yards. This can be a crushing penalty.

Discretionary penalties might include a stroke for landing upside down, or a yardage penalty for on grass on a hole which calls for throwing along a sidewalk or breezeway.

Inventiveness in the calling of holes and penalties, while not rewarded in the scoring, is highly encouraged. You should also call holes which correspond to your particular strengths -- I'm better at long throws, so I steer us towards the open spaces. My friends are skipping savants (they can skip over a 12-foot fence from 25 feet away), so they find any excuse to call a skip.

We've been at it for almost 30 years. I've tried playing actual golf, but gave it up years ago. Enduragolf is way more fun and costs nothing (beyond the expense of replacing a frisbee lost in a gutter or atop a building).

So go on out and play, and you'll be first in line for the upcoming marketing blitz for the official Enduragolf scorekeeping wristwatch (prototype completed in 1988, patent pending its eventual submission to the patent office. Which should be any day now, I'm sure of it....)

um, gro-oss.

gp: Shut up bug-face.
Go lick a parrot or something.

My tennis racket and I will be waiting.
Here birdie-birdie-birdie...

It was an idle comment anyway, my girl-crush on AvB will remain hetero. I like cock too much.
I know you can identify with that.

I've played some courses like that, Lindsey, and they're a lot of fun. For me, though, it lacks the inventiveness of calling your own holes and getting to play on asphalt.

Huh. The *heart* thingie didn't show up.

You left out the 'e'! That is the best part!

Right Big Daddy, quit changing the subject. Have I made myself perfectly clear on the philosophical and ethical point you called me out on? Did you feel my rant?
DID YOU FEEL IT!?
{mutter, mutter... keep ME up till 3AM writing a rebuttal will ya...}

Let me get my tripod.

*has acid flashback to thread from earlier in week ...*

Slap Ass.

Player one on team A bares his ass and bends over. Then a member of team B gets 10 yards to work up some running speed and slap the bare ass of his apponent as hard as he can.

Object of the game: knock your bare assed opponent over. Or make him cry. I mean that was an automatic out when we played. Also a bare hand to the ass at that speed can seriously impede the ability to sit.

Cue gay jokes.

Also a bare hand to the ass at that speed can seriously impede the ability to sit.

Wussy.