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Did You Know Tim Curry's In That?

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | April 14, 2010 | Comments ()

By Sarah Larson | Comment Diversions | April 14, 2010 |


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One night a couple of years ago, I stayed over at my best friend's house after an evening during which we were too lazy to even bother drinking and I had still fallen asleep on the living room floor like a Sim. The next evening we were supposed to go see some shitty cover band called Rhino at this stupid trucker bar where we were gonna drink something called a Trainwreck, which was a blue concoction involving no fewer than ten different alcohols and was served in a pitcher with a straw. Naturally, we needed to dress pretty fuckin' fancy for such a shindig, or at least fancier than what I happened to be wearing when I went to my friend's house the night before, which was yoga pants, a hoodie and slippers (yeah, my ass ain't real formal, usually). Anyway, I was too lazy to drive to my house to pick up some drinkin' clothes and then drive back to my friend's place (which would've taken about an hour round trip), so instead we drove to a store a few minutes away and I bought entirely new clothes (including shoes) to wear to a trucker bar, where I drank liquid blue brain cancer straight out of a pitcher (with a straw) as one of the worst cover bands I have ever heard wailed loudly and boringly and I fell asleep at the table, which totally did not stop some random creepy dude from coming over and waking me up to ask me if I wanted to dance with him. To which I naturally replied, "Piss off, I'm asleep!"

Clearly, I should've just stayed in yoga pants, a hoodie and slippers.

In other news, I may or may not have mentioned once or twice how obsessed I am with the movie Clue (which is the best movie in the history of ever, by the way, and which I cannot ever talk about without fighting the impulse to say, "Did you know Tim Curry's in that?" [which is only funny if you're Lainey, because she once told me this super long and totally jackassy story about how every time somebody mentions Clue she asks, "Did you know Tim Curry's in that?" and then she laughs and laughs because seriously, who doesn't know Tim Curry's in that, and she is both the best and worst person ever]).

The hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah, Clue. So I watch Clue kind of a lot, okay? Like, bare minimum of once a month, and sometimes every other day for about eight weeks straight. I don't watch a lot of television, so you know all those times when normal people are doing normie stuff and they turn on the television in the background? I don't do that. I turn on Clue in the background instead (or sometimes Seven Brides for Seven Brothers or the 1982 version of The Scarlet Pimpernel, because I'm awesome like that) and since I live in a multi-story abode, it's always been a real problem not having a DVD of Clue within ten paces of my person at all times. I used to have a retro workaround to this issue, in the sense of hanging onto my VHS copy from childhood, which I kept in my bedroom where I had a VCR hooked up specifically for Clue watchin' (I like to set it on a timer and leave it playing as I fall asleep). This was not a perfect solution, however, as first of all VHS tapes require rewinding and pushing that one extra button just about kills me every time and I need to take a nap afterward, and also because that tape had been played so many times that the audio track skipped in several places.

Then one magical day, I happened to be in Half Price Books with a gift certificate burning a hole in my wallet and nothing really specific in my mind to buy, and whilst wandering around and randomly tossing delightful finds into my basket, I stumbled across a lonely, misshelved DVD of Clue. Perhaps a normal person might've been inclined to overlook it, seeing as how a normal person has no need to own multiple DVDs of the same movie. Well listen, I hate shocking y'all like this week after week, but I ain't real normal. So of course I bought that bitch and I took it home and now it lives in the DVD player in my bedroom, and never again have I needed to go up or down any stairs to get my hot little hands on a DVD of Clue. Things would only be better if I owned a third copy, which could live in the disc drive of my laptop.

On a related note, I was recently discussing with a friend the merits of shaving my head bald and wearing a wig, because a wig seems like it would be a one-time investment purchase and then I wouldn't have to get proper haircuts anymore and I couldn't have bad hair days and I could just take my hair off and put it in a time out whenever it annoys me because it won't stop goddamn touching me. I had that disembodied Barbie styler head when I was a kid, which is practically the same as being a licensed cosmetologist so I'm pretty sure I'm fully qualified to style a wig. What could possibly go wrong?

Now I'd like you to tell me all about the pointlessly idiotic stuff you've done or the harebrained schemes you've dreamt up which have given you pause to think to yourself, "Damn, I am LAZY."

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good. She is currently embroiled in a bitter humidity-related feud with her hair and she was only half kidding about that wig business. She can be reached by email here.


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