Pajiba

I got nothing except that I went to drop off a prescription for completely innocent anti-biotics and ran into my semi-psycho high school ex-boyfriend manning the pharmacy counter.

I had my mom pick up the prescription, and immediately began getting my prescriptions filled at the Target across the street. Also, I checked the pills, since he would be aware of the face that I'm allergic to penecillin and wanted to make sure that he didn't decide to play a "joke". (Sounds paranoid, but I have my reasons.)

Also, Dustin, you either had a taste for the crazies or you need to let us know exactly what you put those women through that they'd feel the need to hit you with their car or destroy your room.

I don't really have any crazy ex stories either. Due to all the time I spent playing "pen-and-paper" role-playing games in highschool and college, I didn't really date all that much. I dated a few girls, none of them psychos, and then got married (also not a psycho, but hot and really bendy (yay, yoga!)).

Well, one ex, months after we broke up, accused me of bad mouthing her to people I never even knew (I was living in a different state at the time). A few months later her cellphone kept "randomly" dialing my number when it was in her purse, but that only happened a few times and I think it really was an accident.

After college, I went to a brand new city with my fiancée. She got to go to grad school, I got to take a job I hated. After six months, she was set enough in her new life to not need me anymore.

Not content to just break up, she decided to wait until Christmas when we were driving to my grandparents house 9 hours away. She waited until we were 7 hours into the drive. We turned around and drove back. After about an hour of being back at our apartment and crying, making a scene, yada yada, I reached the angry portion of the show. I decided that it was fucking Christmas, and I was going to go do what I was doing before she ruined Christmas (and my life).

I got about 5 hours back through the drive before stopping in a random hotel for the night. Broken heart. Check. Ruined Christmas. Check. Drove for 19 hrs in a day. Check.

Ooh, and at around hour 17 of that driving I got pulled over for a speeding ticket. And was harassed by the officer wanting to know where I had gotten my watch from (it was a $20 watch) and whether I was on any drugs, and who then proceeded to confiscate as evidence a bottle of tylenol that was visible and several baggies of suspicious white powder (as in: old sandwich bags, with trace quantities of bread crumbs inside). Upon me not remembering where I had purchased the tylenol, he actually took notes on his pad and remarked that "memory loss is a symptom of drug use."

In any case, it only took the ex a few weeks to find a new boyfriend, in her grad program of course. A year later we had to talk in a prisoner exchange of mixed up belongings and she happened to mention how wonderful it was that her and new-boyfriend were probably going to be able to go to the same post-doc program. I remarked: "that's great, he can propose to you, you can drag him where you want to go to school, and then you can break up with him. It's like you're setting up franchises."

We haven't spoken since then.

I took a beach trip for spring break with my then-girlfriend (and first girlfriend, as it would so happen). After two days of hot lesbian sex on the beach, scaring old people and giving young boys the foundations for a lifetime of wet dreams, we got into a fight--a HUGE fight--at the local oil changer (probably named Quiky Lube, because that is funny in a lesbian story, right??) Anyway, on the drive back to the beachhouse, this crazy bitch tries to wreck the car on my side. On a four lane highway. I did the only rational thing: as soon as she slowed down, I jumped out. (Remember kids: tuck and THEN roll. I, unfortunately, flailed more than rolled. Even at 35 mph, that shit hurts.) So after I jump from the car and final roll to a stop, gravel ground into my dermis for life, she skids the car to a stop IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY, turns around in the one way lane, and tries to run over me. Luckily, being at the beach, there was a significant ditch on the side of the road that I was able to scramble across, and her long-fronted ass Saturn was not. She-Hulk (not because she was big--she wasn't, I like petit--but because she was ANGRY) jumps from the car and starts chasing me. I did the only thing I could think of: I put my head down and charger her. I grabbed ahold of her throat before she could punch me, and choked her within an inch of her life. I pushed her away and started running down the highway in the direction of our beach house, and some kind stranger picked me up. (Running in flipflops is a curse from the godtopus.) I got back to the house, threw her shit on the lawn, rented a car and got the EFF outta there.

Funny end story sidenote: We went to college together at an all-girls school (I KNOW) and when I got back she had filed a police report against me. I was forced to go to the college therapist, whom she told the story to. But instead of what ACTUALLY happened, she told the story as though our roles were reversed. Yeah. So they thought I was the crazy psycho lesbian. Until they asked her to bring her diary in, and it was full of some Single White Female shit. Apparently, she had been stalking me before we got together.

I'm lucky I escaped with gravel in my appendages.

Never really had a boyfriend, but they guy who took my V-Chip never called me back, so I told everyone I knew that he was hung like a gerbil and that I faked it (It's easier than you think). Also, he had a bush that looked like he had Diana Ross in a leg lock.

"two" fast? I meant too fast.

I tend to date pretty tame people, too.

I did have one guy come over every day for a week after I broke up with him, just to cry on my shoulder.

On the flip side, in high school I befriended all of an ex's friends, just because I knew it would piss him off. And it did. I win.

This X-mas I texted my ex's new girlfriend saying "Merry Christmas! Santa brought you herpes this year." It wasn't true but it did make me feel better.

Oh. Crazy ex stories.

Of course, what TK doesn't mention is how he and the wombat just celebrated their seventh anniversary.

Ok, this is really a crazy ex-roommate of my boyfriend story. In college my boyfriend had two roommates. One was a born again Christian who interpreted the bible in some really strange ways and how he thought it should be read. He really disliked me for a number of reasons but to keep the peace I attended a couple of his "Bible Study" nights at the condo. This didn't work out as planned and he liked me even less, although at the time I didn't believe that was possible.

A week after attending the last night I slipped a mannequin from a store closing sale into my boyfriend's bed. He and his other roommate moved it into the living room and thought it was a great fun to dress it up in various strange outfits. One day we came back from dinner to find the born again straddling the mannequin in a frothy rage while hacking it to pieces with a butcher's clever. When I entered the room he started screaming at me that I was the devil's harlot sent to lead them into the destruction of their souls through idol worship. Then he came at me with the clever screaming about how he was going to send me back to my lover in hell. That was another fun time at Catholic school.

Oh my god, where to begin? I have been a whacko magnet for years. Here are some highlights (and I swear to Godtopus and Whiskey Baby Ninja Star these are true:

1) High School boyfriend tried to hit me with his car, drown me, and finally stabbed me in the leg with a knife he was using to SKIN A RACCOON! No, I did not seek medical attention, and no, I did not break up with him. He dumped me (see previous story re: books left outsided)

2) Husband #1 was caught porking girlfriend in her pickup the night I gave birth to our daughter. He later stole my car, totalled it and said someone else had stolen it; trashed our apartment and trampled my factory uniforms in the mud when I told him I was leaving him; and raped me.

3) Husband #2 hated Pete Rose, and was a Steelers/Pirates fan. As if that's not enough, he screwed around on me and left me when I was 6 months pregnant with our son, only to marry the slut, then come back begging me for sex!

4) Serious post-marriage boyfriend went "out for cigarettes" the night we were supposed to go to a big party and never came home, because he was mad I helped my daughter with her paper route.

Yup, I've had some real winners/weiners. Things are MUCH improved now. DAMN this is cathartic!!!!!

And here I thought I couldn't love you more Boo.

We went to college together at an all-girls school (I KNOW)

Oh, I know. All too well. I watched the drama unfold at my own all-girls college. Though I've never been with a lady, my across the hall neighbor tried to seduce me...it almost worked, she was gorgeous and had strawberry wine. It was like a scene from a super special Sweet Valley High book.

I have no stories. But I shall be reading.

I dated a guy all through high school and a semester into college that wanted nothing more than to get married. I liked him, but I was 17 and thought that was pretty weird. I finally had enough when he decided to switch colleges to be with me so we could get married and broke it off (I did NOT want him switching schools because then I'd be, like, obligated to stay with him and I wanted to keep my options open). He came to my school anyway on a visit day (after we broke up) and went into my unlocked room, read my diary, and took back a really nice ring that he'd gotten me a couple years earlier.

On a non-boyfriend but creepy guy note, this dude (that I would NEVER have dated) in college was on a debate team with me for one of our classes and I, being the social engineer that I am, asked everyone on the team to get pizza one night after we were practicing and we did. About a week later this guy tells me that he really likes me but can't go out with me again until he broke up with his girlfriend, which he promised to do asap. WHAT? Apparently, he thought our group outing to Pizza Hut was a date. Then he proceeds to come stand awkwardly in the doorway of my dorm room about once a week for the rest of the year - not saying anything but an initial hello, just standing there listening to me and my friends talk for a 1/2 hour to an hour and then leaving. Maybe those were dates too, I dunno, you'd have to ask him. CREEPY.

Ha! Julie, I love you.

"Oh, I know. All too well. I watched the drama unfold at my own all-girls college."

Yeah, crazy shit happens at single-sex schools. I have a theory: too much of one hormone (estrogen, in our case) and not enough of the other to balance (testosterone). The girls I went to school with got really aggressive in an effort to up the testosterone level. I had 4 roommates in three months, and several good friends got into fights and drew blood. From each other's necks. Craziness.

Needless to say, I left after a year and went to a good ol' co-ed school. Saved my life, that did.

(Oh, and crazy psycho bitch came looking for me at the new college. Yeah.)

One of my ex's moms was the crazy one. It turned out that this girl was pregnant (like a few weeks) when I started dating her, and when I broke it off as a result of that, her mom lost her fucking mind. She dropped a letter in my mail slot at my house (I know this because the post office doesn't deliver letters with no postage), purporting to be from my parents, who live several states away (and we're talking central U.S. states, not East coast B.S. states). Inside was what she hoped I would believe were my effectively areligious parents' entreaties to get back together with her daughter because it's what Jesus would want. Sweet girl, and I'm happy to report that she is now happily married with a healthy little girl (also happy to report that a lot of time has passed with no more notes and no bodily harm to yours truly), but mom is off the reservation.

My junior year of high school, I began dating a young lady after a heated game of Truth or Dare (she was dared to kiss me, and did, quite passionately). We had fun and made out a lot, but we didn't have a single thing in common. After a month or two, I was done. But before I could take action and break up with her, this little incident put a brake on my plans.

One day while at my locker, she walks up to me out of the blue and states, "There's something I need to tell you that might freak you out a little." Already freaked out by that opening, I asked what it was, and she continued, "I once tried to poison Gary [her ex before me]. The only reason it didn't work is that the poison was in his food too long and it neutralized. I just thought you should know." She then kissed me, smiled, and walked away. I have no idea as to the veracity of the story, but either way, that's a pretty fuckin' psycho thing to state out of the blue, and it worked to freak me the hell out. I ended up just growing/acting really distant with her until she broke up with me (which, in retrospect, could have been a one-way ticket to Poisontown).

A couple of months after we broke up, she got back together with one of her exes, a convicted rapist. I think they wound up married.

boo - That. Was. Awesome. I'm re-enacting that whole thing with hermit crabs this evening...

Bajingo Hound - Your prose is as exciting as it is elegant. You should write engagement and birth announcement cards. Continue forward, encrustably!

Julie I have a scar to this day, dammit!!!

No, seriously, it is pretty funny in retrospect. Of course, he's also the bf who decided to wear my prom dress while we were changing for after-prom, so, ya know, there's that.

I broke up with a girl. Next day, I saw her smoking. I said, "I thought you quit smoking a long time ago."

She said, "I did, but after you broke up with me, I went out and bought a new pack."

I just walked away.

Long story short, a year and a half later, she's engaged to some guy she went to high school with! Good for her!

Believe it or not, I never had the crazy ex-girlfriend thing. For one thing, in my entire life all of my relationships were based on a mutual understanding that we each had something the other wanted. Moreover, when we parted ways there was no need for any unpleasantness because we both knew the score. Usually in a relationship when it turns sour someone feels as though they were taking advantage of or one party felt shortchanged or cheated. I never had a slashed tire, a broken window, or even so much as a rude phone call from an ex. So as I sit back and read some of your war stories I say to myself, "What The Fuck"

What if I was the crazy ex? Whatever, I'm telling the story anyway. So my ex and I got in a HUGE fight in a parking lot. I wanted to leave, but he was standing next to the car holding the driver's door open and yelling. In my crazy state, it made total sense to me that if I backed the car up a little, he would be startled and let go of the door. Then I could shut it and drive off. I put the car in reverse and attempted to put slight pressure on the gas. I forgot to factor in that I was very angry, and I ended up stomping on the gas. My ex was startled alright, as well as whoever owned the car that was parked next to us when they saw the hole that my door made in the side of their car.
It did end the fight though. And I even responsibly left my contact information on the other car. They never called though.
Another ex was living with me (this was before the above ex) and, after I learned that he was stealing from me, my brother, and my mom, and selling drugs out of our house (my mom worked for the government, so that was BAD), I put everything he owned out on the front porch. That was very satisfying and I highly recommend it if you have the chance.
I can't think of any ex being particularly crazy to me...

This is the story of how I, unwittingly, became the crazy ex-girlfriend.

So I meet this guy on the internet. He's military, recently separated from his wife, has two kids - a nice normal guy for the internet. After six or seven months we decide to meet. He travels from Montana to Calgary for New Years and it goes really well. I'm a little weirded out by the fact that he tells me he loves me already but being young and naive (and still desperate... let's not forget that) I fall for it.

In February, I hop on the Greyhound and travel to Montana for a Valentine's Day love fest. I end up detained at the border and nearly miss the bus but that's a story for another time. It goes well, I meet his kids, we spend three blissful days having sex like rabbits on coke; I head home. The very next day he calls and breaks up with me on account of him still being in love with his ex-wife. I'm heartbroken but partially accept the decision; I don't go all postal on his ass or anything but over the next month or so try a few passive-aggressive maneouvres to stay in his life. I call him once a week or so just to chat yada, yada. I don't full out stalk him (difficult to do when you live in a different country) but I make sure he still knows I'm around and available (like I said, desperate). About a month and a half later I get into a car accident, not life-threatening but I'm freaked out and call him a little late in the evening to tell him about it. I unfortunately wake him up and he's none too pleased about it. I apologize over the phone and the next day log on to our usual chat room, see him there and make another apology. Next thing I know some random girl starts sending me all these messages, demanding I quit stalking her boyfriend; that he doesn't love me etc.

Turns out the motherfucker had started sleeping with a new chick that he and his ex-wife were friends with about a week after dumping me. He told her that on a fishing trip to Calgary he met me at some bar, slept with me and now I was stalking him. He also told her that I had just shown up on his doorstep in February and he was too scared to ask me to leave. But not too scared, apparently, to refuse the multiple blowjobs I gave to him in his kitchen.

I, of course, defended myself vigorously against the stalking claims but she, of course, refused to believe me.

Until, that was, a week later when his ex-wife got wind of the tale, sat the girl down and explained in great detail exactly what had gone down between her ex-husband and I. She promptly dumped his ass for lying to her, and because he's the kind of guy who can't be alone he promptly started phoning and emailing me begging for my forgiveness which I refused to do - I was desperate but not pathetic people.

Two months later he was still calling me until I threatened to tell his commanding officer what he was doing.

Who's the crazy stalker now Billy?! Who's the stalker now!?! Ha! He was such a pansy bitch; I totally regret all those enthusiastic blowjobs in the kitchen now.

I had an ex that was two-timing me with my very best friend (we were both blissfully (?) unaware).

They got married a short time later. I wasn't invited to the wedding, strangely.

And that's the most benign of my crazy ex stories, I'm afraid.

My ex-boyfriend called my mom on the phone on Mother's Day, and proceeded to tell her how hot he thought she was, and that he dreamed about fucking her.

I found out later that he was stoned when he did this. Regardless, I still haven't forgiven him, and neither has my mom.

Ok, I think I have one:

This is the first girl I dated. I was 17, she was 21 and a model, though didn't look that good in photos for some reason. Since she worked, she would always buy my lunch etc. We held hands but kept pretty platonic, didn't even kiss. It stands as a testament to my innocence that even though I was in her bed room with presents on Christmas Eve (which in Japan is the day you gotta spend with your lover) I didn't lay a finger. Unfortunately, I was stupidly honest. Month before I was leaving to states to start language school I ask her if I were her boyfriend, or just friend. She asks me "wouldn't you date someone when you are in America?" I, being stupidly honest, said "Probably." So she said "Then we should just be friends" And after that I left the country.

A year later or so, in winter I think, I am back in Japan for vacation and I see her, with her 'best friend.' In her best friend's car, the girl asks me "So when am I gonna go to America and marry you?" Me: "Umm... What?" Her: "It's Ok. I have someone else, I mean he's with someone else. Not a good guy, but really a good guy." Me: "Ok..." We go to the Karaoke place, while her 'best friend' is in the bathroom, she confides to me "My car broke down, so I had her give me a ride, but I don't really like her at all" I mean, what am I to say to that? Then before we say good bye, she gives me her picture to remember her by. Haven's seen her since. I kept the picture for a while just for the heck of it, but, well, I don't think I do anymore.

Usually in a relationship when it turns sour someone feels as though they were taking advantage of or one party felt shortchanged or cheated. I never had a slashed tire, a broken window, or even so much as a rude phone call from an ex. So as I sit back and read some of your war stories I say to myself, "What The Fuck"

Posted by: Pookie at January 28, 2009 3:53 PM

True.

Upon reflection, perhaps I need to become more acquainted with the ways of Pookie.

When I was in college I dated this guy who knew he loved me after our first date. Of course, that could have been because I gave him a blowjob so good he passed out before I was finished (what, he bought dinner--I felt obligated) but whatever. Anyhoodle, he professed love, I professed acid reflux, and then in his despair he tried to kill himself in the school's man-made duck pond. Thing about the duck pond--it was only two feet deep at it's deepest and three feet was duck shit.

But that's not the end of the story, oh no. See, while he was busy killing himself about our unrequited love, I was off trying to find a stable relationship. One day I'm sitting in the cafeteria with a friend of mine and this friend of hers when the ex boyfriend decides to join us. We're including him in conversation because we're not totally rude, but we're kinda weirded out because he's, well, weird. Lunch ends, we leave, two days later I find out he called my friend's friend to tell him what a total whore I was and how I chewed guys up and spit them out. Also, that I had three different STDs.

Luckily friend's friend didn't believe him as he was naked in my bed while they were having that conversation. But you know, it could have ended badly.

One ex:

- mom-of-ex tried to kill me at least three times.
- called my parents at 11:00 p.m. after we'd had a fight, and I'd gone to stay at a friend's place for the night, to tell them that I was abusing alcohol and sleeping with dozens of random strangers (all untrue) and that he was concerned for my mental health.
- called me at work and threatened to rollerblade (ha) the 30km distance to "confront" me after he found out I was seeing someone new.
- made a false 911 call(didn't specify the emergency service required, though, so they ALL showed up)for my work when he knew I was the only staff member there...then called as they all pulled in to tell me he was going to kill myself if I didn't come home RIGHT NOW...and that I'd find him dead in the bathtub if I wasn't home in 20 minutes.
- told me that he'd cheated on me with his high school love, then proceeded to tell me all of the details of the alleged event. Turns out that it didn't actually happen.
- was quite insistent that I should consider a polyamorous relationship, or at least bring home drunken girls on occasion. I declined.
- years later, he asked me to have a threesome with he and his current girlfriend.

That's all I can think of at the moment, but there's waaaay more. Keep in mind that this is just ONE ex.

And incidentally, some of you folks have some HARDCORE stories. You Pajibans are a tough, gritty, resilient sort!

In real life the evil boyfriend is really a nice guy

No, sometimes your friend's boyfriend IS a complete asshole. That doesn't mean one should try to strategize the situation. But sometimes he is.

Man, y'all are now making me remember all kinds of shit, like the time I got into a big fight with one of my exes while I was at college, and he STILL went over to my parent's house on Halloween night and basically made my mother help him with his costume. (He was Spike from Cowboy Bebop, to put my nonsensical aversion to the show in context.) THEN, he called me up while I was sitting up with my super drunk friend making sure she didn't choke to death in her sleep and insisted on having a "state of the relationship" talk that instant which made me cry. I told him the next day that "we need a break". I was making out with someone else less than 48 hours later.

Also, I had the girlfriend of an ex I was semi-friendly with send me a threatening/"he doesn't want you anymore, get over it" note via facebook. I flipped my shit, e-mailed him a super nasty letter about how HE contacted ME and if he was too cowardly to tell his girlfriend that, then I wasn't going to. Yeah, fun times.

That's still the worst I have. I think. Apparently bad relationship stuff falls into some black hole of my memory, and the stories here are helping it to wake up.

I thought of another time I was crazy! This is the same ex from the car door story earlier.
We had been friendly after our breakup, mainly because he had moved to the UK and had no friends there. A few months into his study abroad program, he called me up to tell me about his new girlfriend, and how awesome she was and how much I would like her. Now. I was still emotionally invested in this guy, so this was no fun for me at all. And on top of that, he was 28 and she was 18. I'm not sure how that made it worse, but it did.
The next day I was cleaning my room and I found some of the condoms that we used (they were magnums, which might have something to do with why I was so hung up on him). So my crazy ass went and mailed those condoms to him. From California to the UK. Overnight. Months after we had broken up.

Since most of my exs either broke up with me by disappearing off the face of the earth, I don't really have a good psycho ex story.

However, one of my friends is currently being SUED by this girl he dated for like 3 weeks more than 4 years ago (and has talked to maybe once since then) because she is convinced he is trying to drive her to suicide. To me, the truly frightening part is that a lawyer actually agreed to involve himself in this lunacy.

My on again, off again girlfriend of five years tried to be nasty the last time we broke up, but woke up on the retarded side of the bed that morning. She offered to drive me to a gig in NYC (warning signs went up, as that meant she went back to Jersey to get her car so she could drive me around in NYC). I figured it saved me the trouble of carting all those guitars, keyboards, and assorted musical accoutrement on a push cart through the uneven Village streets. Well, the bitch thought she was being clever by "destroying" my best guitar. She tossed it out the car window while driving off.

The retardation of it? The hard shell case was specifically picked out because I was a total klutz. I'd dropped that sucker down three flights of stairs before without even scratching it. She also couldn't drive and toss it out the window at the same time, so the car stopped, the window came down, and the guitar barely fell before she zoomed ten feet to a stop sign.

And that was the end of a long term on/off relationship. I just couldn't be with someone that fucking stupid.

Since I don't seem to attract the crazy I'll tell one where I got a little crazy.

I dated a girl in high school for a year and a half. It was serious, I was her first, but about a year in we both knew it wasn't going to last. We broke up three or four times only to get back together but she ended up dumping me for a real loser.

Now I may not be the greatest catch in the world, but I simply couldn't fathom how she could've chozen this guy over me. As an example; you know those restaraunts where you get bottomless glasses of pop? As in you can go and refill it as many times as you want. This dude, rather than ponying up the $.75 for a drink, would walk over to a table wherein a person had just left, take their glass and use it. Fucking disgusting.

Anyway, after our breakup I would make any excuse to talk to her, see her, whatever and whenever. I'd drive by her house all the time, I'd drive by his house all the time. I guess I was kinda stalking her. I ended up moving out of the city to keep myself from obsessing. Thankfully it worked.

Funny thing is I didn't see her for about six years and one day she pops into the bar I was at and totally freaks out. Like she wasn't over it. By this time I was married and had a child so I thought nothing of it.

A piece of advice: guys if your about to do the horizontal hustle, and you think to yourself "I should probably wrap this twice just to be really sure", she probably isn't the girl for you.

Ok, I have to come out of lurking for this one...

I was dating an increasingly unstable guy for 2 years and we'd been living together for about 6 months. So about 3 months into living together, he started screwing a coworker on our couch while I was working (I was working 2 jobs at the time and never home). So, we broke up...very badly, I might add. After it getting supremely ugly trying to dissolve our lease and anything we bought together, we came to the conclusion that we'd finish everything out by sitting down and talking about it at dinner. So, he gets home from work and I'm waiting at my pretty-much-by-this-point-old apartment that he's still living in, and he starts coming up with excuses as to why we can't have dinner and finish sorting out who gets what. I pressed him to just settle it right there and then, because I didn't want it dragged out any further. He changed his tune and we went to the mall to buy him shoes, which he insisted he needed right at that moment. So, we're at the mall and he starts hyperventilating and causing a scene because "there's too many people". Mind you, we're in a mall in late November/early December. We get to the parking lot and he decides where he wants to go for dinner and tells me he'll drive. So I get in the car, and the chick he was screwing texts him and I see it. At this point, I really just wanted it over with and was sick of being angry, and simply said, "Are you happy with her? Because at the end of the day, I really just want you to be happy." With full sincerity. He then releases a primal scream, pulls into the restaurant's parking lot off of the highway, and proceeds to gun his car at the rows of parked cars, whipping around the corners, and stopping with inches to spare. He then told me that he wanted to crash the car with both of us in it because he didn't want to lose me and didn't want to lose her either. Naturally, I got out and had a friend pick me up.

The lesson: Don't be nice to an unstable ex.

Motherfucker, did you just call Mrs. TK a wombat?

TK: Well it would have been rude to assume that she was either the hooker or the train. Wait, was she the avocado?

In high school, I dated a guy that (I think) legitimately had some sort of psychological disorder. He was crazytown. Unfortunately, he was also really, really good looking. He would alternate between bringing me a dozen lillies one day, and crying at the top of his lungs in the middle of a huge crowd of people in the downtown area of our town on the next. Once, in the middle of a party, he went over to the stereo and put on "She Won't Let Me Fuck" by Afroman, all while snickering with his friend and pointing at me. (I was determined to keep my virginity intact until college, because this guy was bad news.) But, like an idiot, I kept him around because I was young and stupid.

The last straw really came when we were both at a party, and he came in and insulted me in some way in front of his friends. I, being pretty drunk, pushed him outside, and in my blind and drunken rage, headbutted him. In the mouth.

I don't know what was crazier - the fact that I forcefully used my face as a weapon, or that I actually dated the asshole.

He's not Irish and has never been to Ireland. I suppose he just thought it added a dramatic flair to the break-up.

Being Irish is not just an ethnicity, it is a state of mind.

Apparently, this is one I have to de-lurk for. I collect crazy exes like one of my crazy exes collected Pokemon cards. But I've never forgotten my first, so I'll go with him.

He was four years older than me, just finishing high school when I started, and asked me to his prom. I went. He'd never had a girlfriend before, and was a virgin. He got clingy and emotionally attached far too quickly for me, gave me a ring, started talking marriage, blah blah. I was already sexually active, had been out with alot of boys, and was not having it.

However, he went off to college not long after we started dating, and I figured that would distract him. I didn't cheat on him, but I really never thought of myself as having a boyfriend, because he wasn't there and I wasn't that attached to him anyway. Apparently we were not on the same wavelength. He held on and held on and held on, and I finally had enough, figured there was no way in hell he was going to get the picture, and decided I would have to dump him.

At this point he was still a virgin. We'd never done anything but fool around, and I figured that popping his cherry would work as kind of an 'I'm Sorry I'm Dumping You' present. Looking back I realize what a huuuuuge mistake that was. My fifteen year old self thought that sex fixed everything. (I now realize it only fixes most things.)

So I had sex with him (in his mother's trailer, while he was home over break) and as soon as he dropped me off back at school, told him I didn't want to see him anymore.

And God. He cried. He wept. He followed me around for months. He begged my parents to make me reconsider. He dropped out of school and started taking classes at the community college in town so he could follow me around. I finally caught him trying to pick my younger brother up from baseball practice, and freaked out all over the place.

After I threatened to tell his extremely conservative mother that he'd fornicated outside the holy bonds of marriage he left me alone, though. So there is that.

My fifteen year old self thought that sex fixed everything. (I now realize it only fixes most things.)

Posted by: ssmiley at January 28, 2009 6:40 PM

OK, I'll bite. Name one thing -- any thing -- that sex fixes (besides blue balls).

My insomnia.

I like to think that it might somehow be helping starving orphans as well. Somehow.

I like to think that it might somehow be helping starving orphans as well. Somehow.

Well, it does give them something to eat.

You might get in trouble with PETA though. You are making them eat Panty Kittens.

I like the dudes, but the only crazy ex story I have is, ironically, about a chick. And pretty recent. We met through mutual friends who'd known her about a week, and after having one lunch with friends, she started calling me. A lot. As in twice a day for almost three months. At first I was polite, and made excuses for why I couldn't grab dinner or go see a movie with her. Finally I just stopped responding, and I thought she had gotten the message when a week went by with no calls or text messages. This was until my RA informed me that the girl was about to MOVE IN TO THE ROOM NEXT TO MINE. Somehow she talked the housing people into letting her switch with my old neighbor. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of there, and I finally got the attention of the people in charge. Bitch was crazy.

The PETA-onians would probably be much happier if they made some poor souls eat their Panty Kittens. Throw in a coupla thick sausages and they'd have a party.

The bastard said he'd pull out. Blame him for everything else.

I was still with my boyfriend - correction, still LIVING WITH my boyfriend - when he came home and told me that he had gotten engaged a day ago. To someone he had known for 4 days.

So, I don't really have a ton of crazy ex stories, though I've dated my fair share of compulsive liars, alcoholics, guys who cry during sex (you know who you are, Eric), and all-around douche-bags. Truth is, during my 20s, I was generally the crazy one in the relationship.

But there was this one guy, who I alluded to in a previous post, that I dated for roughly a year and a half. I was in grad school, and he was a married professional. Now before you all get super-judgy, he was closeted, and his wife lived in another state with another man, since they'd separated about a year before. This guy, toward the end, moved his cousin in with him from New Orleans. I was suspicious, as he'd cheated on me once before, but he assured me and even made me feel ridiculous for even thinking that he'd lay his own cousin, who for the record, was gayer than a pursefull of glitter. And said cousin even called me out once for being so "jealous," asking me how in the world I could accuse my boyfriend of sleeping with his own cousin.

Well, needless to say, three months later, the married guy calls to tell me that he's in love with his cousin and that they're moving to another state to try and make it work. But here's the kicker: dude wasn't his cousin. He was some random trick he'd met in a fucking bar in New Orleans. Moved his ass in. Told me he was his cousin. Strung me along for three months. Let him chew my ass for being paranoid.

A year of therapy followed.

Sometimes, there just aren't enough STDs in the world to serve as karma for guys like that.

I had a boyfriend who had a child with another woman while we were dating, though I didn't find out about this until the child was several months old and one of my friends broke the news to me. When I confronted him about it, he said he hadn't told me because he "didn't think it was any of my business." In any case, we broke up, but he basically stalked me from then on. One night, I was sick of his phone calls, and gave in to his demand for a photo of the two of us (which I sent via email) if he promised to stop calling. However, the next day I received a nasty email- from his wife! He had neglected to mention that he had married the mother of his child (and in fact denied it several times when I called to ask him about this email) and had been calling me all along as if he were single. The email from his wife basically accused me of being a whore homewrecker. After that he pretty much kept stalking me for another two years. Good times.

Ummmmm.

I was all, "Wow! I'll post my sad little high school story and they'll be all, 'Holy moly, that whomps!'" but I'm not even sure I should. You're all on the pedestal of psycho exes, and I am but a speck on the horizon.

Well, basically, my jack-off of an ex-boyfriend never let people dump him, so when I tried, several times, he just guilted me or talked me out of it. Then a couple of days after my mom got out of the hospital after a massive heart failure, he dumped me. I had lent him a bunch of my stuff, which he refuses to return to this day, even though we're on good terms, and after he started dating a 15 year old, he told me to give back the XBOX 360 he had given me for Christmas because his "generosity had been misplaced". Our mutual friends talked him out of that retardation.

Anyway, his 15 year old girlfriend cheated on him and then broke up with him, and he kept on showing up at her house, breaking things, taking her on long car rides to secluded places where he'd slam the steering wheel, and asking her to marry him.

Good times.

"I miss you. Well, not YOU you, but the physical you."

Yeah, Sharon. That one sucks dick. This dude pulled that on me when we became friends with benefits a little while after the break-up. I was so upset. Even now, when my long distance boyfriend says he missed mah hot body or whatever, I secretly get upset because I assume he's talking about JUST missing my body, when that is obviously not the case.

And the moral of that story folks, is never date a co-worker. Especially a crazy one.

Unless you work at a Boston Pizza, then you can marry them. Don't ask me how, it just works.

I don't have any stories, but I just wanted to thank all you crazy people. I was flying home last night and my one hour Atlanta layover was delayed to almost 3 hours, and reading all of these horror stories kept me well occupied for most of it. So... thanks for your past miseries?

gayer than a pursefull of glitter.

This is brilliant.

And the moral of that story folks, is never date a co-worker. Especially a crazy one.

My wife is definitely crazy (she has panic anxiety and has been diagnosed bi-polar), and I met her at work. I win!

I'm with you, Dustin. I was hit by a car but I held onto the hood and wipers as she raced through a parking lot. When she turned onto the sreet at high speed I flew off and rolled about 20 feet. Awesome.

My ex-fiancee was an emotionally abusive, pot-smoking control freak. I kinda blanked all the bad out, and only recently started to hear snippets related to me via my friends and family. Over the course of our six year relationship he stole $5000 from my mom; threw plates at me; called me every day, multiple times per day (he lived 3 hours away) and made me cry so I 'would feel the pain he felt' from being apart; insisted my family and friends were sabotaging our relationship; got me to hang out in his apartment for 10+ hrs per day while he was working in his restaurant downstairs so he would know where I was; insisted on having porn-style sex (oral/titty fucking, different things with leather straps, etc.) and not letting ME finish as punishment for when he couldn't get off; and tried to get me to smoke pot with him every day even though I wasn't interested. Oh, and he smoked ALL THE TIME - wake & bake, mid-morning, noonsies, mid-afternoon, 4:20, after work, and post nookie.

When I broke up with him he told me our cat died (she didn't), insisted on taking back the engagement ring and then tried to give it back to me so I would 'never forget what I had lost'; made creepy mix tapes with his 4000+ CD collection; and tried to use the death of his father to get me to hook up with him.

What can I say? I was a young girl (17) dating an older guy (35), he was my first love, and I didn't see how bad it was or know better.

So I was dating a guy for a few months. I didn't really even like him at first and probably never should have gone out with him in the first place. He found me on facebook and proceeded to message me. I was single and bored at the time so I thought "what the hell?". So we started dating and he did everything he could to woo me: flowers, gifts, fancy dinners. Basically all the shit you see in movies. I was a poor law student and wouldn't turn down a free meal so it worked out. Then I started to like him a little. I should have known that something was wrong when we hadn't had sex after 3 months. Honestly I'm kind of a two dates kinda girl. One day about 4 months into the relationship we got into a silly fight about something or other. I felt bad and decided to go over to his place and talk to him. When I arrived, he refused to let me in. I pushed my way past him thinking that he was just being a baby about it, but when I got inside I discovered his ex-girlfriend was there. Or should I say "ex" girlfriend.

He then proceeded to act as if I was crazy and stalking him. His "ex" knew he was dating me and had just been tolerating it because she's a dumb bitch. I, being the logical person I am, asked for an explanation. He, being the irrational psychotic bastard sociopath he is, started ranting like a mad man and tried to kick me and the "ex" out. I left with my dignity. She stayed and pleaded with him.

The following Monday, I got a call from the Harvard police (he was a grad student there) saying that he had filed a police report against me for breaking into his apartment and ASSAULT and BATTERY! Wtf? Needless to say, I never ever attempted to contact him again. I think he and his "ex" are still together.

They deserve each other. I did enjoy the fancy meals though. However, every time a man attempts to buy me flowers I automatically assume he's a lying sack of shit.

Wow, now I just HAD to come out of lurking to get in on this action, as I myself am a recent divorce victim. Some of you guys have some FUCKED up stories, so I figure let me add mine in and you guys can tell me if there is some good stock value in this magical event of my life.

I'll never forget the time my ex first really broke my heart. It was the year of our first anniversay (I don't do that 1 week, 1 month bullshit sorry) and I had really done my all to make it a special occasion.

Not to get into details but all of my plans ended up me investing around $800 on this on day I had planned for us. He $800 might not seem alot now, but I was 18 at the time, so it was alot of work on my part to get it. She blew me off to go to Six Flags all day with her family, and then her family had the balls to tell ME that I had messed up because I didn't go take a 2 hour trip to go see her for 30 minutes before her family kicked me out due to curfew and such.

Anyway, just had to vent that shit off my chest to SOMEONE.

Well when my wife decided she had enough of our relationship she kicked me out of the home we had made for our family. I mean "leave with a book bag full of clothes and get the fuck out because the lease is under my name" out. Threw out around $6 grand worth of personal items of mine that I had to leave in the house. Everything from all of my clothes, to my book collection, to my electronics. Everything.

I was going to work and then living on the D train for a month before I finally was able to have a friend of mine be able to help me rebuild my life by allowing me to sleep in his car, and help me with a few other things. Have any of you ever been in a NY winter? Now imagine sleeping on a train with only a fucking sweater on cause that's all you could grab.

Oh, let's also toss in the fact that I am currently going to court for child support, and I can only see my son at the YMCA as she has hit me with some nice litigation that has made it so I can only get supervised visits for now. Mind you all without the courts even letting me know until it was too late for me to defend myself. And all before I am even 25 years old.

Women scare me now....

This guy I dated in college asked me to come home with him for Thanksgiving. We had only dated a month or two, but I wanted to get out of town so I said yes. We made the six hour drive where I met his mom, dad, sister... and girlfriend.

The douchenozzle took me home to get out of actually telling his girlfriend he was breaking up with her. It was HELL. She was crying, and freaking out. Then their mutual friends showed up to stare at me like I was some the Whore of Babylon. I felt terrible for her, and I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

Needless to say, the six-hour drive home wasn't pleasant.

When we got home, I found out he'd been cheating on ME, too!

Cockstain.