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Crappiest Super Powers

An Evening Comment Diversion / Dustin Rowles

Comment Diversions | June 9, 2009 | Comments (96)

Twitter isn’t complete useless. Today, one of the more popular trending topics is #crapsuperpowers, which is basically an excuse for Twitterers to waste time by making up shitty superpowers. Here are some examples:

@greebo1 #crapsuperpowers The power to see through milk.

@gxrobillard being Aquaman. #crapsuperpowers

@gwotis #crapsuperpowers the ability to sneeze on command

@synerje #crapsuperpowers The ability to see old and fat people naked

@agirl2224 #crapsuperpowers to make someone else to pick their nose and eat it

@kg4uzj #crapsuperpowers The ability to die on command.


Anyway: You folks get the idea. And, in general, you’re much more creative than the average Twitterer. So have at it: What’s the crappiest superpower?


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Comments

Command and control moths.

Posted by: Kitchen Kitchen at June 9, 2009 8:38 PM

The power to think up crappy comment diversions?


HEY OH!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 9, 2009 8:40 PM

Have to make sure everyone's seen Tweeting Too Hard first:

http://tweetingtoohard.com/

I've only ever thought about the most awesome superpowers, which would be time travel, clairvoyance and immortality.

The crappiest superpower is the ability to attract every insect within a 50 mile radius to your skin/body. Obviously!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at June 9, 2009 8:41 PM

Ironically enough, my significant others desired superpower is the ability to make whomever they want crap their pants repeatedly...truly a crappy superpower.

Posted by: shake at June 9, 2009 8:42 PM

The ability to make ugly people procreate. Oh wait, that's the power of cheap beer and network television.

Posted by: slower lower at June 9, 2009 8:51 PM

The power to keep goldfish alive via proper feedings.

Posted by: SaBrina at June 9, 2009 8:58 PM

The power to greenlight projects staring Jim Belushi.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 9, 2009 9:01 PM

Starring Jim Belushi. Shit.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 9, 2009 9:01 PM

The power to turn beer into water...

Posted by: Pants at June 9, 2009 9:02 PM

Goldfish telepathy.

X-ray breath.

Picasso vision.

Shotgun larynx.

Rubber love handles.

Bulletproof shoulder blades.

Wolverine-like regeneration, but only when masturbating.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 9, 2009 9:22 PM

Knowledge of when the last roll of toilet paper is gone anywhere you are.

Spontaneous D&D character generation.

Ability to turn any penny minted in 1996 into a Fig Newton.

Speed of a manatee.

Shapeshifting, limited to the lineup of the '96 Detroit Lions.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 9, 2009 9:31 PM

The power of being Aquaman's... sidekick!

Posted by: George at June 9, 2009 9:39 PM

Moist! At his most bad-ass, he makes people want to take a shower.

Posted by: meaux at June 9, 2009 9:40 PM

The power to shrink your penis at will (or boobs if you're a woman).

Posted by: George at June 9, 2009 9:40 PM

Nice, meaux. How about the power to cause spontaneous and inexplicable equipment/engine failure just by looking at it? I swear some people at work already have it..

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 9, 2009 9:44 PM

The power to change incorrect punctuation with one's thoughts.

Posted by: Cindy at June 9, 2009 9:45 PM

*Turn a penny into a Fig Newton*
That is funny...
How about the power to cause copiers to jam...

Posted by: dirt monkey at June 9, 2009 9:47 PM

I'm a big fan of "Impervious to the 11th bullet" power. The first ten bullets will fuck you up, but that 11th one will just bounce right off.

Posted by: the_wakeful at June 9, 2009 9:49 PM

Change apples to bananas.

Posted by: Cindy at June 9, 2009 9:57 PM

The power to turn Spinach into Pork.

Hollywood Wig Man: the Power to attach wigs onto such hollywood actors like Sam Jackson, Nick Cage, and Brendon Fraiser.

The Power to prematurely end Joss Wheedon shows.

The Power to hold farts in.

Posted by: Withnail at June 9, 2009 9:59 PM

The power to add A-1 Sauce to any meal
The power to spoil milk
The power to know the contents of page 114 of any book
The power to get tickets to any Asher Roth concert
The power to cuddle aardvarks
The proportionate strength and speed of a cheese danish

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 9, 2009 10:00 PM

The power of flight, but only for half a second at a time.

Posted by: Lucas at June 9, 2009 10:00 PM

I think y'all are underestimating some of these powers. The ability to turn pennies into fig newtons and spinach into pork, those are lucrative powers. Fig Newtons are worth at least a nickel and pork is worth a lot more than spinach.

Posted by: Lucas at June 9, 2009 10:02 PM

The power to turn sound into energy (give you strength, speed, etc.) - but the catch? The only sound that powers you up is Miley Cyrus. Or the Jonas Brothers. Or Fran Drescher's laughter. Or listening to Miss America contestants' answers during their Onstage Question round.

Posted by: Melissa at June 9, 2009 10:11 PM

The power to make Kevin Smith make a decent movie.

BAM!

Posted by: Guess Who! at June 9, 2009 10:12 PM

The power to change incorrect punctuation with one's thoughts.

Is there something wrong with me that I think this is an AWESOME power?

Assuming "change" means "fix," that is.

Posted by: appwitch at June 9, 2009 10:13 PM

the ability to fold shirts really perfectly well.

Posted by: figgy at June 9, 2009 10:18 PM

appwitch,

Yes.


*the power of understatement*

Posted by: Phat girl at June 9, 2009 10:19 PM

The power to make people yawn on command.

Super powerful whining.

The power to glue yourself to anything.

Power to talk to earthworms.

Power to turn oneself into a brick.

Crappiest 'actual' power: the ability to turn yourself into various things made of water. Fuckin' Zan from the Wonder Twins.

Posted by: figgy at June 9, 2009 10:20 PM

The power to see into your recent past.

Posted by: J Stride at June 9, 2009 10:21 PM

Power to grow a really spiffy mustache in a second.

Posted by: figgy at June 9, 2009 10:22 PM

Change the urge to defecate to the urge to urinate.

Posted by: Cindy at June 9, 2009 10:23 PM

Impervious to common sense.

Posted by: figgy at June 9, 2009 10:24 PM

J Stride you just gave me the power to laugh my ass off. good one.

Posted by: Phat girl at June 9, 2009 10:26 PM

A magnetic colon

The ability to shake exactly 2 pills out of a bottle

A close one to the OP: the ability to see only men naked.

The ability to shit at an extremely high velocity.

Three words: laser pointer penis

Preternatural knowledge of 19th century homoerotic liturature

Posted by: logar at June 9, 2009 10:35 PM

...aaaand it's Lucas in the lead so far. I think I have that power

The power to work a shitty dayjob for 50 years and retire at 70
The power to sit through an 8 hour marathon of Uwe Boll's greatest hits, Clockwork Orange style
The power to wobble my pancreas to devestating effect

Posted by: RandyPanTheGoatboy at June 9, 2009 10:40 PM

Sadly, Figgy, that seems to be an all-too-common superpower!

Posted by: meaux at June 9, 2009 10:40 PM

Twitter isn’t complete useless.

The power to point out others' grammar mistakes...as well as their flat-out ridiculous statements!

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 9, 2009 10:42 PM

Fuckin' Zan from the Wonder Twins.

That is a crappy superpower. He's a lousy lay.

Posted by: jM at June 9, 2009 10:50 PM

The ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound but never stick the landing.

The ability to read the thoughts of anybody with an I.Q. of exactly 71.36.

Posted by: admin at June 9, 2009 11:07 PM

The power to have ever-lasting insomnia.

The ability to memorize the ingredient lists on the back of shampoo bottles.

The power to make Oscars telecasts seem longer.

The power to turn penises into vaginas.

The ability to make every first date you go on fall in love with you.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at June 9, 2009 11:22 PM

The ability to read 1,000,000 words a minute and retain every morsel of information. The catch is that you can only read Twilight books and warning lables.

Posted by: admin at June 9, 2009 11:25 PM

Tourette's-like ability to say the one thing that can get your ass kicked by the person you are talking to.

The ability to turn windshield wipers into baby spit-up.

Total immunity from any harm that comes from a bricklayer named Ed Hunimeyer.

The ability to turn your fingers into string cheese.

Superspeed for 10 seconds, but only after being kicked in the crotch.

Breathe underwater, but only while reading Bridges of Madison County.

Summoning copies of the ET video game, one at a time.

Hooch power. Because Hooch is crazy.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 9, 2009 11:43 PM

Summoning copies of the ET video game, one at a time.

Hey! Flinging shit could be an awesome superpower.

Posted by: admin at June 9, 2009 11:47 PM

Hey! Flinging shit could be an awesome superpower.

I never said you could throw them. Only summon them.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 9, 2009 11:53 PM

just want to play devil's advocate for a minute.
sure, aquaman can communicate with sealife and can swim lickety-split and those *would be* crappy powers if he were, say king of mars or arabia... but he is KING OF ATLANTIS and in his own stories, these powers kick relative ass.
i understand the mockery: the character has been around since the EARLY 40s. the filmation animated series of the late 60's (which i own) and the superfriends'(which i also own, natch) portrayal of him is cheeserific, at best. but some of the titles he's been in have been pretty tight.
so, yeah, he's not my favorite, but i do recognize.

Posted by: gp at June 9, 2009 11:57 PM

Years ago ,daughter and I came up with the three worst and most useless superheroes, and anyone who writes graphic novels on the side is welcome to take them and turn them into ... something or other.

Anyway:

Awesome Possum. Superpower: play dead.

Tommy Turtle. Superpower: Pull head inside shell.

Awesome Ostrich (yeah, they were so bad they didn't even have three original names). Superpower: Hides head in sand.

So Daphne Dog was forever getting tied to the railroad tracks by Evil Otter and ... well, getting run over by trains a duck of a lot.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 10, 2009 12:06 AM

I actually have a lame superpower -- my skin doesn't react to bug bites. No swelling, no itching. I was stung by a bee once, and another time by a really nasty bug in Ecuador, and even then, it just hurt for a little but didn't swell up at all.

I am impervious to mosquito bites! Bwah ha hah!

Posted by: linny at June 10, 2009 12:10 AM

The ability to sparkle in sunlight.

Posted by: AbbyNormal at June 10, 2009 12:21 AM

The ability to know what is on NBC at any given time.

Posted by: Taylor at June 10, 2009 12:30 AM

The power to recite the starting lineup of the 2008 Pittsburgh Pirates

The power to mind-meld with gerbils (that might sound cool, but really, they have nothing interesting to say)

The power to finish dead last in EE every week

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 10, 2009 12:36 AM

Power to turn your fingers into hot dogs.

Heehee, AbbyNormal.

Posted by: figgy at June 10, 2009 12:36 AM

The power to foresee the future...but only by gazing directly into Tyra Banks' forehead.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at June 10, 2009 12:47 AM

Incidentally, I need linny's impervious to mosquito bites superpower. Last summer I had well over fifty mosquito bites on my legs. I still have some scars. I think it's from being a pale, pale redhead. We have the power to attract mosquitoes.

Thanks, figgy! ;)

Posted by: AbbyNormal at June 10, 2009 12:47 AM

The ability to come up with television show ideas that let you fondle women on camera.

Oh wait, somebody already did a Tyra Banks one.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 10, 2009 1:23 AM

I knew I saw you on Bucs Dugout TCFKAB. You will appreciate this:

The ability to pick the absolute wrong player that is sure to incite a riot every time.

I am a Pirate and Clipper fan, I have the wonderous ability to watch my teams lose all the time and still have the ability to come back and root for them again. I think it's stupidity.

Posted by: Rubble44 at June 10, 2009 1:37 AM

The ability to turn gold into frozen yogurt

The ability to turn off the TV when Spencer and Heidi are on.

The ability to make crappy remakes of 70's TV shows into movies, wait that was McG...


Posted by: Rubble44 at June 10, 2009 1:47 AM

The power to pick an EE winner every week...

(oh, buc, you weren't dead last...you were like a 25th...;))

Posted by: figgy at June 10, 2009 1:49 AM

What powers you ask? I dunno, how 'bout the power of flight?
That do anything for ya? That's levitation holmes.
How 'bout the power to kill a yak, from 200 yards away...
with mind bullets! That's telekinesis, Kyle.
How 'bout the power... to move you?

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at June 10, 2009 2:00 AM

The ability to charm any women into falling head over heals for you. The catch, you're a eunuch.

Posted by: George at June 10, 2009 2:26 AM

Knowledge of when the last roll of toilet paper is gone anywhere you are.

I'll bet that almost anybody could have used that power at some point in their life. It would be truly crappy if it only worked with your pants down.

Posted by: Mr. Rotinaj at June 10, 2009 2:40 AM

The ability to say what the other person's really thinking.

The ability to understand any written language on earth, only when written on cereal boxes. The cereal box version of War and Peace fills your 3-car garage to the brim. Thankfully, seeing her bedroom full of Cheerios boxes discourages your daughter from wanting to read any Twilight books/boxes.

The ability to have perfect understanding and mutual comprehension in communication with your preferred gender, only when their orientation is wholly and irrevocably incompatible with your own.

The ability to credibly lie and bluff on demand, except when involving police, courts, or taxation or other government agencies.

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 10, 2009 2:44 AM

The ability to, upon seeing a homeless person, know exactly how they became a homeless person.

The power to aim your farts.

The ability to be Mike Tyson, but only when he's being punched in the face.

The power to say 'yo mama' jokes to people whose mothers have recently died.

I guess The Hulk is a pretty crappy super power. I mean, it's pretty much retard strength.

The power to grow pubic hair on your chin, and grow a goatee on your balls.

The ability to come up with awesome and revolutionary ideas, except that someone else in the world has just thought of it and will actually put it to use.

The ability to practically apply postmodern philosophy.

The power to conform to society. Wherever you go, you will understand and conform to that culture and it will make perfect sense to you.

Posted by: MYTN at June 10, 2009 3:40 AM

Alter your molecular structure to become living styrofoam!

Posted by: Leftylad at June 10, 2009 3:49 AM

Sneezing on command wouldn't be a crappy super power. It would be wonderful as I love sneezing - something to do with the sensation being an eighth of an orgasm...

Anyhoo-ha crappy super power would be having super smell and then being able to taste it. Coz imagine walking past, for example, Heidi Pratt née Spencer and inadvertently tasting that rank coochie :-|

Posted by: joyeetargh at June 10, 2009 3:50 AM

The power to know what song will be playing before you turn on the radio. I have that one every other morning (aided by the fact that Capital FM play the same five songs over and over...)

The power to turn beer into piss. That's as easy as... well, piss.

This one borrowed from Misha Collins: the power to make turnips grow anywhere you wish.

Posted by: Tarn at June 10, 2009 5:13 AM

Control of OTHER people's bowels.

Although might also fall under "awesome super powers."

Posted by: TK at June 10, 2009 5:18 AM

A mental Bowel Disrupter? That's an even better power than the ability to instantly grow a mustache (sorry, figgy).

Boss running a boring meeting? Sudden intestinal distress.

Asshole cut you off in traffic? He's not shitting for the next two weeks.

GOP National Convention in your city? 10,000 cases of explosive diarrhea.

The potential uses are limitless. It would be a crappy (heh) power if you had to be within one foot of your victim to make it work.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 10, 2009 6:24 AM

The power to create one of those "Movie" Movies. This guy can just shoot a laser beam and BAM! A bad comedy shoots to the top of the charts.
Or how about Miss. Ogynistic: Does nothing but wears a thin outfit and has guys ogle her. Sounds more like the arch nemesis of...
The Kamikaze Feminist! (Bum dum BUM!)

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at June 10, 2009 6:35 AM

The power of every blogger -- which is god-like wisdom, insight and wit (unless someone else is reading what you wrote).

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at June 10, 2009 6:51 AM

The ability to be clever on the internet.

Posted by: Lauren at June 10, 2009 7:02 AM

aquaman has always been my favourite supehrero.
screw saving humans, i want to live under the sea with the cool creatures.

Posted by: celery at June 10, 2009 7:10 AM

Making any food you eat taste like feet.

Falling asleep 4 seconds after sex begins.

Punching yourself in the balls every time you say "the".

Having uncontrollable diarrhea whenever water touches your body.

Your favorite sports teams finish last every season that you watch even one second of their games or hear about them, but win the championship every season you don't watch or follow them at all.

Posted by: Kballs at June 10, 2009 8:12 AM

Kballs, how the hell do you know what feet taste like? And further; if you know because of the reason that I'm thinking, your fetish isn't feet, it's self torture.

Posted by: admin at June 10, 2009 8:32 AM

Kamikaze Feminist, that sounds a lot like a Dark Horse character called Ghost, who wore a white leather bustier and skin-tight leather pants. Of course, she figured the sight of her half-naked would distract men, making it easier to shoot them with the twin .45 automatics she carried so it's not an exact parallel. Believe it or not, she was a hero -- a hero with some serious anger issues.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 10, 2009 8:40 AM

Alta Cocker: The power to throw farts, sort of like a ventriloquist.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 10, 2009 9:03 AM

Posted these to Twitter yesterday, but I will reproduce them here as well!

-The power to see what any parakeet in the world sees, but only through the left eye.

-The ability to become aroused immediately following coitus, but only if you rest a little first and maybe have a sandwich.

-Stutters constantly unless speaking Klingon with a French accent.

-When startled, Captain Brickshitter expels rectangular building materials from his anus.

Posted by: Paul Southworth at June 10, 2009 9:09 AM

The ability to come up with awesome and revolutionary ideas, except that someone else in the world has just thought of it and will actually put it to use.

I still have a gun and a shovel.

Posted by: jM at June 10, 2009 9:37 AM

Worst super hero powers:

The ability to age super-fast.
The ability to turn yourself into gelatinous goo.
The ability to shed one's skin.
The ability to communicate with birds.

Posted by: androstarr at June 10, 2009 9:42 AM

Hah! Small world, rubble.

The ability to get out of bed in the morning. At my age it takes everything I've got, and I usually regret it.

The ability to sing every song exactly a half-note out of tune. Everyone stands up and walks out on me.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 10, 2009 9:47 AM

But you still get by with a little help from your friends, right?

Posted by: slower lower at June 10, 2009 9:53 AM

The ability to be 75% sure, 60% of the time.

The ability to cool coffee on a single blow.

The ability to smell anyone's bunghole from 50' away, involuntarily.

The supernatural ability to know the intentions of Pee Wee Herman, at any given time.

Total immunity from the affects of painkillers.

The uncanny ability to find the 5th best parking spot.

Posted by: logar at June 10, 2009 9:59 AM

The power to take bad drivers license pictures.

The power to always burn the popcorn.

The power of yawning at the most inopportune times.

The power of always getting rejected whenever you try to propose marriage.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at June 10, 2009 10:05 AM

But you still get by with a little help from your friends, right?

Posted by: slower lower at June 10, 2009 9:53 AM
---
*wink*

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 10, 2009 10:16 AM

The power to ejaculate super glue

Posted by: chenry at June 10, 2009 12:40 PM

The ability to kill a child in Africa every time I clap my hands.

Posted by: bluesilver at June 10, 2009 6:45 PM

The ability to kill a child in Africa every time I clap my hands.

---

(Does a bit of Googling) DAMN YOU BONO!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: bluesilver at June 10, 2009 6:47 PM

The power to glue yourself to anything.
hey as long as that something is my future wife i don't think that's such a bad superpower

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at June 10, 2009 8:57 PM

I know people haven't been ragging on Aquaman too much, but I thought I'd disabuse them of the notion.

"Oh? You think my powers are useless, do you? Perhaps you'd like to take it up with Mr. Creature of the Briny Depths here."

Posted by: Shadowen at June 11, 2009 1:19 AM

test

Posted by: Dustin at June 11, 2009 2:35 PM

test

Posted by: dustin at June 11, 2009 2:37 PM

test

Posted by: dustin at June 11, 2009 2:44 PM

test

Posted by: Dustin at June 11, 2009 2:50 PM

test

Posted by: dustin at June 11, 2009 3:48 PM

Testicles.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 11, 2009 6:33 PM

I'd say my choosen super power would be the ability to make people have explosive diarrhea in their pants.

Posted by: jane at July 10, 2009 1:21 AM