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Coffee Causes Hallucinations? You'll Have to Rip It from My Cold, Dead Hands

By Cindy Davis | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (41)

coffeecroissant.jpg

I’ve got to stop reading the Los Angeles Times. They know how to grab one’s attention with headlines, but every time I get into the article itself, it turns out the headline is based on a faulty experiment. This time it was, “Caffeine linked to hallucinations in study, but have another cup of coffee anyway.” Damned right I will, assholes. Nobody will take my coffee away until I am lying in a box underground. Or cream-ated (doesn’t that sound much nicer than cremated? Yes please, float me in a nice, creamy cup of joe until the weight of my body slowly pulls me down and I can hallucinate my ass into a delightful world of cookies and pie and java. And none of that milk or skim milk coffee-lightening please, I’m a half and half girl (at the very least). So anyway, some university decided to get people hopped up on caffeine, put headphones on them and play white noise. The experimenters told the experiment-ees they might hear a little music in the background, in particular, Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas.” And guess what? Even though there was no music, some people said they heard it. No fucking duh. You didn’t need coffee for that, jackholes. The power of suggestion is strong; I’m no scientist, but this much I know. The uncontrolled study, was conducted by Australia’s La Trobe University on 92 people, subjected to varying amounts of caffeine and stress(?). I don’t know how you subject folks to “high or low stress conditions” while they’re wearing headphones and drinking coffee, but that just sounds cruel. If they had given the experiment-ees a chocolate croissant and played some soothing classical tunes and everyone would have been fine.

Apparently there have also been other studies on this matter and people who have been injected with caffeine intravenously tend to experience false smells. Oh you idiots, that happens to me all the time and I’m not even schizophrenic. No matter how bad (are hallucinations bad?) you try to make coffee out to be (didn’t they just tell us it was good for us?) I will never give it up. (I already gave up the smokes, isn’t that enough?) So what about you, Pajibans? What is it that you will never give up? Coffee, smokes, that wooby you’ve been dragging around since you were a kid? Candy, chocolate (CHOCOLATE!), salt, masturbation, porn, avocados, lima beans, ice cream, picking your nose, Pabst Blue Ribbon…









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Comments

Caffeine is nothing compared with Broccoli. Broccoli gives me the weirdest, most hallucinogenic dreams. Broccoli dreams. My darling husband loves broccoli and he thought I was nuts; but after 25 years of marriage, he's agreed with me that there is a connection between eating broccoli and THE DREAMS.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 10, 2011 5:12 PM

I will never give up coffee.

Except for those two times when I was pregnant. The only good thing about being nauseated for 5 months each time was that I was too ill to want the coffee anyways.

COFFEE, YOU COMPLETE ME.

Posted by: SeaKat at June 10, 2011 5:14 PM

I've had to give up caffeine thanks to my ulcerative colitis, I've had to cut way back on salt thanks to my high blood pressure, and I've had to cut back on my dairy intake because I think I'm lactose intolerant, but there's one thing I'll NEVER give up: baked goods - like cake, cookies, etc. You will never take my sweets from me!

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at June 10, 2011 5:29 PM

I've recently reduced my caffeine intake as part of a diet but I'll never give it up completely. The diet isn't even really changing much of what I already eat. My growing belly is mostly due to lots and lots of beer. Unless a doctor tells me I have to quit drinking in order to live, I'm not going to give that up. (Even then, giving up beer entirely? Probably not.)

Posted by: Paultera at June 10, 2011 5:40 PM

The number of conditions - both good and bad - I've heard attributed to coffee is so high that I figure they cancel each other out. I like my coffee (though I can function without it). It's my last real vice, if you can even call it that, so I'm not giving it up.

Posted by: Reba at June 10, 2011 5:58 PM

First of all, wow what a terrible experiment. You're exactly right. That such a study would be lent any sort of credence is kind of disturbing. I hope the scientific community denounces such shoddy science.

As too the actual diversion...
Candy, chocolate (CHOCOLATE!), salt, masturbation, porn, avocados, lima beans, ice cream, picking your nose, Pabst Blue Ribbon…
Yes to all of these. Except lima beans. I have no opinion on lima beans.

I'd also add pop (yeah jerks POP) and fast food to that.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at June 10, 2011 6:04 PM

What on Earth would convince anyone to give up avocados? They're delicious and good for you.

Posted by: John G. at June 10, 2011 6:04 PM

Is that chocolate croissant in the header pic talking to anyone else? No? Just me?

Alright then.

*continues sipping latte*

Posted by: Lauren at June 10, 2011 6:22 PM

I think I would give up pretty much anything if it came down to "Death or ____" but coffee will probably be the vice I cling to the longest. Which means in all likelihood, you'll be prepping my coffee till the day you drop dead, DarthCorleone. Love you, you're the best!

I've already given up meat, and though I still enjoy some booze every now and then, I don't drink anywhere near the Norm Peterson-esque quantities I did in my early 20's. My wooby was tragically auctioned off, and I don't consider any of the sexy stuff to be vices.

Sweet baked goods would probably be about as hard as coffee to ditch completely. Every couple weeks or so I just REALLY crave a cupcake/waffle/cookie or something.

Posted by: Angeleno Ewok at June 10, 2011 6:23 PM

BWeaves-

I would think the weird dreams could be attributed to 25 years of being Dutch Ovened by the DH at night after having broccoli for dinner.

Huffing methane and sulfur can make any night seem like an Iron Butterfly reunion.

Posted by: bleujayone at June 10, 2011 6:38 PM

Coffee was my first love when my Grandmother gave it to me as a child. Apparently, it has the same affect as Ritalin on children, or so she was told, and thus I was hooked at a very early age. Even so, I lost the pure sweet love of it when I quit smoking. So now it is more of a morning ritual than a real need.

Butter, on the other hand, just makes everything taste better. I love butter...and fresh bread of any kind. Oh, and I have to add pickle juice, since apparently that is a contributing factor is some evil forms of cancer (as opposed to the my little pony forms of cancer).

Posted by: Feynmangroupie at June 10, 2011 6:43 PM

keep your smokes, caffeine, chocolate and porn -- hell, I might even throw masturbation in there if it meant I could have a cold one in hand at all times. Fuck it! Maybe I'll just go Ellen Barkin in Drop Dead Gorgeous and loose my hands in a freak accident, just to have them replaced by a cup holding nub. As long as I can still scoop up salty pistachios with my holder-nub whilst sippin' on booze, I'll still manage to view the world through rose colored glasses.

One other thing, booze and junk food now exclude any unnecessary and/or fattening calories.

Posted by: beet salad at June 10, 2011 6:46 PM

ahem, lose.

Posted by: beet salad at June 10, 2011 6:49 PM

The one thing that I really could never give up is Jif peanut butter. I love it. My husband and I eat peanut butter at least two times a day. I know it is full of emulsifiers, high fructose corn syrup, and other weird stuff; but natural/organic peanut butter tastes like ass.

Posted by: androstarr at June 10, 2011 6:55 PM

I love coffee, and the idea that it causes hallucinations is unadulterated bullshit (Shut up Harvey, I'm typing here!). In any case people have been sying bad things about coffee for centuries, and I think Voltaire's reply to the haters says it best:

"People tell me coffee is slow poison. I feel it must be, for I have been drinking it for fifty years and am not dead yet!"

Posted by: Mark M at June 10, 2011 6:57 PM

Coffee for sure. I'd die. Or rather, it's the caffeine. I don't go crazy with it - 3 cups a day, plus maybe a diet coke in the afternoon - but I would be a horrible, horrible person without it.

Posted by: Sara H at June 10, 2011 7:02 PM

Sheesh. I'm from old-time Seattle, when Starbucks was our own sweet little vice and not a "worldwide phenomenon". I was born with coffee in the veins.

That said, if it came down to "give up coffee or die", I'd give up coffee. Fortunately, it hasn't come down to that.

Ooh, also, Captain Obvious sez: some things are much worse for some people than others. I have a friend for whom coffee = death. So, no coffee for him. And some people are lactose intolerant and therefore would probably be a lot happier if they gave up dairy, whereas I am not lactose intolerant and therefore have no reason to give up dairy. Some people have strong livers and low addiction tendencies, and therefore there's no reason they should give up on alcohol, whereas other people clearly should not be having so much as one drink. Summation: Life is unfair.

Posted by: MM at June 10, 2011 7:13 PM

Dr Pepper and I took some time off while I was in college, but we're in it for the long haul now.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at June 10, 2011 7:50 PM

I could give up coffee. I would NEVER give up wine. Or garlic. Or pad Thai. Staples of my diet.

Posted by: Julie at June 10, 2011 8:19 PM

Chocolate - no brainer
Milk
Potatoes - God's perfect food
Popcorn - stove top with salt and vinegar powder

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 10, 2011 8:27 PM

Wine. I will never give up wine. I'm a very health-concious person as it is: I don't eat meat, I don't eat dairy, nothing processed, no soda, no HFCS, no aspartame, etc, and I looovveee to exercise. Love it. My perfect day involves spending 3 hours at the gym. But my dream of attaining the perfect body come second to my love for wine. Sugar be damned; gimme a glass.

Posted by: Scully at June 10, 2011 9:03 PM

Scully, are you perhaps a Hollywood trophy wife?

Posted by: John G. at June 10, 2011 9:07 PM

Oh coffee, you sweet nectar of the gods. I will never let you go. I recently read a study that drinking more than 3 cups a day increases the risk of lung cancer by 14%. I drink around 6 at least. Do I give a shit? Thanks to my morning cup of joe I probably could, but I'm not going to. It could be pronounced illegal and I'll just slap a flag on my coffee maker and declare it a sovereign nation.

Posted by: thenemophilist at June 10, 2011 9:22 PM

i drink red bull and ihaven't had halucinations lately

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at June 10, 2011 9:34 PM

Chicken McNuggets. I know they are the worst things ever, but I love them. I think they give me mini-strokes.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at June 10, 2011 9:59 PM

"Shut up Harvey, I'm typing here!" and "I'll just slap a flag on my coffee maker and declare it a sovereign nation." both made me snort.

Posted by: SeaKat at June 10, 2011 11:49 PM

Coffee and candy. Goddamn but I love me some candy. Even if it's just one piece a day, I could never refrain completely.

Also: Having crushes on random male celebrities. Never. When I'm 80 years old I want to embarrass my grandkids by screaming at the TV "HOT DAMN I WOULD CLIMB THAT LIKE A MONKEY UP A NANER TREE!" Whenever some hot dude showed up.

Posted by: Figgy at June 11, 2011 1:03 AM

I've gone through periods of giving up the obvious things that came to mind (alcohol, candy, and being a lazy-ass who watches 80 hours of TV a day) without any real hardship, so I don't think I have that strong a tie to anything.

A woman at work with whom I am not at all close once started telling me about how the shitty office coffee makes her breasts hurt. They had been causing her pain, so much so that she couldn't wear a bra to work, which she can't get away with (her words), and she went to the doctor, and he couldn't figure out what was going on, and she went back, and he had her make out this list of everything she did and ate, and he suggested she try not drinking coffee, and she did, and the pain went away, and after a while she tried drinking the shitty coffee again and there's no pain, so hopefully it won't come back.

Yeah, I did not need to be aware of all of this.

Posted by: SaBrina at June 11, 2011 2:51 AM

Tortilla chips. I try to give up something dear to me 'round Jesussover every year. One year was beer, one was soda, etc...but I don't even bother having tortilla chips on that list of possibilities.

Posted by: Ian at June 11, 2011 4:40 AM

Second pregnancy, and to hell with it, I'm not giving up the coffee. I'd just fall over in the middle of playtime. I'm sure this child will be juuuuuust fine. Ahemm.

Posted by: Karo at June 11, 2011 6:49 AM

It could be pronounced illegal and I'll just slap a flag on my coffee maker and declare it a sovereign nation.

HAAAA! Awesome.

Also, can I say "all of the above"? Except smokes (and that was only because I had to, because they make me nauseous [fine, NAUSEATED, whatever] and I break out in a cold sweat and can't really move or do anything for a couple of hours) and PBR (really, beer in general, 'cause it's kind of grody). I'm keeping the rest, though. Coffee, candy, cakes & pastries, wine, rum, gin, avocados, lima beans, and wooby.

But especially candy. You'll have to pry my Smarties (American, not Metric) out of my cold, dead hands.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at June 11, 2011 10:31 AM

Hate and whiskey.

(h/t Nashville Pussy)

AvB,

PBR? I think I see your problem with beer.

Posted by: , at June 11, 2011 10:35 AM

Beef. I love steak and brisket and jerky.

Posted by: snapnhiss at June 11, 2011 11:17 AM

I can't quit horror or musicals. You think that's a different set of circumstances? I've been listening to the Original Broadway Cast Recording of Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown for 8 days on constant loop. When I leave the house, I pop the CD in my car or plug the headphones into my mp3 player and keep on trucking. This is, of course, in between my daily viewing and/or writing about horror films.

And I won't give up my weekly large nonfat latte even if it pushes me dangerously close to a migraine. Caffeine's one of my triggers and those three espresso shots do a number on my head. Don't care. It's too delicious. So I roll the dice and hope to be able to function the rest of the weekend after a Friday afternoon latte. It's worth it.

Posted by: Robert at June 11, 2011 11:29 AM

There is nothing better than that first cup of coffee in the AM. The people that don't drink it, why bother getting up? Cream, no sugar. No flavor shots, no skim milk, no foam on top, no verdi vent veni vidi veci, no ice, no equal, no latte, no espresso, no cappucino, no nothing...

coffee, cream, no sugar.

Posted by: kirbyjay at June 11, 2011 3:06 PM

Someone please tell me what are those rectangular objects with the Folliet label?

Posted by: John W at June 11, 2011 4:12 PM

@John W: fancy sugars, I believe. I also appreciate that you took care not to end your sentence with a preposition. How civilized, sir!

I think my "no-give-upper" is some form of starch, most likely potatoes. The difference between being able to stick to a calorie-restricted diet and gorging myself on everything I can find is whether or not I can eat potatoes.

Bread? It's hard, but I can go without. Potatoes? No fucking way.

Posted by: Meggrs at June 11, 2011 4:35 PM

I am not a quitter!

Smokes and booze are what keeps me young.

Well that, and not having any kids.

Posted by: MRod at June 11, 2011 5:21 PM

Smokes...I can't give them up. I don't give a fuck I will die early as chances are I will die from something else well before then. Besides, after seeing about three members of my extended family get shipped off the old folks homes to die alone and have the rest of the family fight over the estate, I never want to be left out of control of my life. I would rather be dead.

So I would rather kill myself after I get terminal lung cancer...and donate all my money to the most offensive charity possible in my family's name.

I'm thinking NAMBLA or something...

Posted by: Diablo at June 11, 2011 10:18 PM

Coca Cola. My name is Even Stevens,and I'm a Coke addict.

Posted by: Even Stevens at June 11, 2011 11:47 PM

Never gave up coffee during pregnancies, though I must admit I don't enjoy the taste as much (which sucks).

Posted by: samantha t at June 12, 2011 8:52 PM