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Celebrity Fight List — Classics Edition

An Afternoon Comment Diversion / Ranylt Richildis

Comment Diversions | January 23, 2008 | Comments (132)

Oh, we’re such a scrappy bunch these days. In celebration of Classics Week, we invite you lily-handed, soft-bellied, cubicle pugilists to name the celebrities you’d most like to throw-down with, kick in the teeth, and spit on, as Dustin wrote in the original Celebrity Fight List diversion (man, we’re mean).

The catch: this time around, limit your celebrities to those who thrived pre-1975 (a good, arbitrary year, if I say so myself). Let’s focus our wrath on the genuine, decrepitly classic celebrity—not the John Hughes variety of old school which, for those of us born before 1975 (ahem), ain’t so much Classic as Recent Memory. (Fictional pre-1975 movie characters are still legitimate alternatives.)

For instance:

1. The one and only Liza Minnelli (self-evident);

2. Charlton Heston (self-evident);

3. Mickey Rooney (you guys stole my thunder in the Tiffany’s thread—fat sloppy kisses to all);

4. James Cagney (nothing wrong with the man’s performances or movies—I’ve just always wanted to go at his smirk with unwarranted violence, and he’s scrappy enough to give me a good fight);

5. John Fucking Wayne.


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Comments

ugh, I'm so with you on the whole John Fucking Wayne.

Also Heston.

I can't hate Mickey Rooney because for me he totally redeemed himself as Henry Dailey.

Judy Garland (goddam goody two shoes)

Posted by: Stella at January 23, 2008 3:54 PM

oooh definitely Charlton Heston. Good one.

And Vincent Price. Not because I have any animosity toward him, but I wonder what kind of fighter he'd be. Maybe he might mumble creepy threats in my direction mid-fight. That would be kinda cool.

Posted by: a.b. at January 23, 2008 3:54 PM

Then again, I'd add Paul Newman just because I wouldn't mind scrapping with him - imagine being pinned by Paul Newman. Hell, I might just concede the fight....

Posted by: Stella at January 23, 2008 3:58 PM

This may not be a classic, but here goes:

I've got no names, but here's the shit: I'd throw down with the entire panel of "celebrities" on that one old game show hosted by Gene Rayburn and his sidekick, the ungodly slender and phallic microphone.

There was that redhaired lady from the "Bob Newhart Show", Charles Nelson Reilly (sp?), and a whole gaggle of "whothefucks?", that all seemed to be soused outta their collective holes. It'd be a smorgasbord of ass-whoopin', ending with that friggin' microphone jammed in somebody's pooper.

I just don't understand where my hate comes from, but I sure do like it...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 23, 2008 4:02 PM

I'll pick Paul Newman just so that I'd get a chance to tackle him and hold him down for a little while...

Ahem.

Um...Doris "I don't do that" Day. What a self-righteous goody two-shoes.

Joan Crawford. I think she'd give me some good exercise.

Posted by: zambonigirl at January 23, 2008 4:05 PM

I don't know if I can think of any, I have such a soft spot in my heart for classic films and actors. Charlton Heston is kind of annoying, though.

Posted by: Kolby at January 23, 2008 4:07 PM

Sean Connery and his Barrel Chest of Unsexy.

I always thought he was such a bastard.

Posted by: Mella at January 23, 2008 4:07 PM

clint eastwood, but mostly for his later self-righteous megalomania. he was cool pre-1975.

Posted by: matty blue at January 23, 2008 4:11 PM

I bet Cagney could take you. And swear at you in Yiddish while he did so.

Hasn't Mickey Rooney been punished enough by the fact that his entire career has been reduced to being asked "So what was Judy Garland really like?"

As for me...

Ann Miller. Ann FREAKIN Miller. I cannot stand her. She is the personality equivalent of jazz hands.

Posted by: Henry at January 23, 2008 4:12 PM

Mary. Tyler. Moore.

Posted by: boo at January 23, 2008 4:12 PM

Oh yeah, I'd also fight Charles Bronson. Him and the cast of the Waltons. All of them, Thunderdome style...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 23, 2008 4:14 PM

Shirley Temple
Jean-Paul Belmondo (just because it'd be awesome)
Ron Howard

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at January 23, 2008 4:14 PM

Kevin, if you're gonna bring Ron Howard into the mix, may I suggest joining me in curb-stomping Chachi?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 23, 2008 4:17 PM

ooo yeah Mella - SEAN CONNERY.

I *cannot* watch Bond without wanted to wipe that smug smirk off his face.

Posted by: Stella at January 23, 2008 4:19 PM

1. Andy Warhol -- completely overrated.
2. Tony Randall -- hired to make Rock Hudson look hetero.
3. Twiggy -- damn her for starting the waif trend.
4. Woody Allen -- Academy of the overrated.
5. Robert Redford -- for making the most boring movies ever.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 23, 2008 4:20 PM

1. Definitely John Wayne...but only in Ireland, a la 'The Quiet Man'. That would be rad. (no hostility)

2. John Provost - I'll teach him real quick not to try to catch a badger on his own. What was he like 7??!! Douche. (hostility)

3. Fess Parker - Can Davy Crockett fight? (no hostility)

4. Jessica Tandy - don't really hate her, but I have this odd curiosity about what the back of my hand would sound like against her jaw. And would her skin tear off? Cuz she's always looked frail as shit.

5. That douchebag winey kid who played Travis in Old Yeller...Tommy Kirk. Dunno what it is but he just raises the bile in my throat. I could totally woop his pussified frontier ass.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 23, 2008 4:20 PM

wanting**

doh!

Posted by: Stella at January 23, 2008 4:20 PM

joan crawford! and i bet she fights dirty!!

Posted by: breonne at January 23, 2008 4:21 PM

1. John Fucking Wayne (can he be all five picks?

2. The majority of the Bond girls

3. Ronald Regan

4. W.C. Fields

5. Judy Holliday, because in spite of her scting talent (which I don't deny at all) her voice makes my ears bleed. I work with a woman who talks just like her in that whiny baby talk. Gahh!!!

Posted by: pinkcheese at January 23, 2008 4:23 PM

Ann Margaret. There is no valid explanation for this, but for some reason I want to pull her hair.

Posted by: Julie at January 23, 2008 4:23 PM

TOM HANKS

I'd need some time to think up the other four, but damn if his face didn't pop right in my head.

Posted by: b_g at January 23, 2008 4:23 PM

I'd like to punch all 48 members of the group who signed the WALDORF STATEMENT, which named 300 Hollywood employees as either outright Communists or Communist sympathizers. Members of this group included:

Louis B Mayer - MGM
Harry Cohn - Columbia
Samuel Goldwyn - MGM
Albert Warner - Warner Brothers
Spyros Skouras - 20th Century Fox

The lesson here is that when push comes to shove, you can bet your ass that the studio executives do not give a rat's ass about the actors, writers, and directors who make them filthy rich.

Thus, it should be no surprise that the current WGA strike has lasted this long - the AMPTP does not give a fuck about the welfare and livelihood of the creators in Hollywood.

Posted by: Mohaski at January 23, 2008 4:31 PM

Tom Cruise -- just to see him whimper.

Posted by: Adam C at January 23, 2008 4:32 PM

Jane Fonda!!!

Bring your Barbarella, jazzercising ass over here and let's GO BITCH!!!

Posted by: Helcat at January 23, 2008 4:32 PM

This is hard because I was born four years after the cutoff, but here goes:
1. Barbra Streisand because I cannot stand that woman's singing voice.
2. Diana Ross, although I bet she'd cut a bitch.
3. Charlton Heston even though he would probably just shoot me with some constitutionally protected semi-automatic weapon before I could get a swift kick in to his hip.
4. Shirley Temple always made me wanna vomit on everything. I would fight her, but only if it were when she was small and had the blonde curls.
5. Howdy Doody. There, I said it.

Posted by: Dangle McGee at January 23, 2008 4:35 PM

Tom Hanks and Thomas Cruise Mapother IV are disqualified because they are post-1975.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 23, 2008 4:37 PM

1. Barbra Streisand
2. Robert Blake
3. Warren Beatty
4. John Travolta
5. Brigitte Bardot

Posted by: David at January 23, 2008 4:37 PM

Pissboy: both Timmy from Lassie AND the kid from Old Yeller?! HEE.

Did someone kill your dog as a child?

Posted by: Julie at January 23, 2008 4:39 PM

I can't believe I'm the first to post this:

Bette Davis. Bitch would put up one hell of a fight but I'd really like to pummel that beaky nose.

Amen to John Wayne.

Cary Cooper, Shirley Temple and all their ilk who blabbed in the McCarthy hearings

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 23, 2008 4:44 PM

Woody Allen-Not much of a fight really. I'd probably scare the crap out of him just cracking my knuckles.

Barbra Streisand- Now this would be a rough scrap. Watch out for those nails!

Marlon Brando-Just for getting fat and weird.

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 23, 2008 4:44 PM

Now that the initial anger and initial lash out has subsided, Here's the definitive list for myself, classics-style:

- Eddie and Lumpy from "Leave it to Beaver"

- Vincent Price (kudos to whoever mentioned him first)

- Charles Atlas (just to say I did it)

- The Pinhead from the movie "Freaks"

- Little Rascals - I know they're only children, but they'd all be given sharp instruments and sticks and shit. I'd totally waste them AND take a dump on their clubhouse floor.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at January 23, 2008 4:47 PM

Marlene Deitrich seems like she'd be good 'n' scrappy...

Posted by: MO at January 23, 2008 4:47 PM

5) Clint Eastwood (he's wooden pre 1975 and he makes movies that make me want to hurt myself now).

4) David Carradine (Kung Fu is shit, so were all those early 70's anthropology (videos) projection reels he was in. One caveat, he did redeem himself with Kill Bill but that's post 1975).

3)Bridgit Bardot (you were never that good, your boobs played the part for you and STFU about the baby seals already).

2)Clark Gable (sure he's handsome, but he's got nothing on Bogart, Kelly, Hudson...)

1)Does Olivia Newton John count? I want to end her. If she doesn't count then I guess it would be Liza Minelli. She pales to her mother, she murdered Cabaret and she's way too famous for how ugly she is. She and Olivia should fight it out, any style.

Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at January 23, 2008 4:48 PM

June "I piss my pants" Allyson. I have always hated that no-talent bitch, with her fugly face and irritating speech impediment. Talk about your goody-goodies. I'd like to knock her teeth down her throat.

Posted by: Jimbob at January 23, 2008 4:50 PM

The kid from Shane. Go pick yourself out a switch, you towheaded, short-pantsed little p***y!

Posted by: sansho1 at January 23, 2008 4:50 PM

Some of these people are still alive, but some are not. It seems a bit unjust to pick on the dead, because really, how much fight can a non-zombie corpse muster? In the interests of fairness, I will pretend I am addressing them directly, as though they were all still alive. I can do this because I'm crazy, you see.

Burt Reynolds: You are a dick. Also, you're simian and hairy and gross. I want to hurt you until you cry like a girl.

Charlton Heston: You are sadly misguided, wildly obnoxious, and whatever the hell is going on with your teeth disturbs me to the core of my being.

Mickey Rooney: The degree to which you annoy me is staggering. You're like a little hobgoblin. When you laugh, it's like nails on a chalkboard, only on the inside of my skull.

Jane Fonda: Holy hell, just shut up forever. Oh, and that pinched lip thing that you do with your face? That's annoying. Stop it. Nobody likes a constipated bitchface.

Woody Allen: I don't like you at all, you disturbing little unfunny weirdo. You creep me out and annoy me at the same time. I hate your twitchy little stutter and I hate your movies. I want to kick you in the nuts and break your glasses.

Joan Crawford: God, lady, why are you so crazy? And knock it off with the eyebrows already. Sweet Jesus.

I might think of more later. I wasn't even a zygote in 1975, so these ones aren't as easy to come up with as the more contemporary folk for whom I have an irrational dislike.

Posted by: Sarina at January 23, 2008 4:52 PM

John Fucking Wayne?

Try Robert Motherfucking Mitchum.

Cape Fear, Night of the Hunter, fucking Dead Man, AND he kicked a cat in Scrooged.

Posted by: courtney at January 23, 2008 4:53 PM

Nah...no dead dogs other than natural causes. I just always thought Timmy had to be retarded in some fashion to always get in THAT much trouble. Mom should have put a fucking bell around his neck or something.

And the kid from Old Yeller...Simply because those were frontier times yo. Dude was like 13 or 14. He should have had a beard, a wife, 9 kids, and trapped mongoose or some shit. How can you be a respectable mountain man if you cry cuz of a dog?! I bet Jeremiah Johnson never cried.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 23, 2008 4:54 PM

Elia Kazan.

Posted by: sarafrances at January 23, 2008 4:55 PM

Julia Roberts - right in those big horse teeth

Posted by: marcia at January 23, 2008 4:55 PM

1. jack nicholson
2. mickey rooney ("i was the number one star in the world, you hear me?! BANG! in the woooooorld.")
3. john wayne
4. danny kaye
5. william shatner

Posted by: kelley at January 23, 2008 4:57 PM

Steve McQueen- He ain't as tough as he looks

Posted by: flip at January 23, 2008 5:04 PM

1. Milburn Drysdale (the banker on The Beverly Hillbillies) - I just always hated him. This must be why I have an inherent distrust of banks.

2. Cousin Oliver (The Brady Bunch) - Way to go! Ruin the show! He IS a jinx!

3. J.J. Evans (Good Times) - No one could be THAT stupid without trying. Here comes your beatdown, Kid Dy-no-mite!

(I spent A LOT of time watching televsion as a latch-key kid of the 80s)

Posted by: JH at January 23, 2008 5:05 PM

Julie, I'm there with you on your feelings toward Ann Margret, except it's Annette Funicello whose hair I'd like to pull.

Posted by: sarah at January 23, 2008 5:05 PM

The only old celeb I can think of right now that I always wanted to punch was Doris Day. Man I hated her bubblegum sweetness. Blah!

Posted by: Lainie at January 23, 2008 5:07 PM

Sarina- I'm with you on Woody Allen. Creepy, annoying, disturbing- things that I usually seek out and adore, but all balled up in this annoying little unfunny twit. Bleech.

Other than Woody, Ava Gardner would be my battle of choice. Wowsers that would be hot!

Posted by: Be Adequite! at January 23, 2008 5:09 PM

Mmm..Lauren Bacall, though she could probably destroy me with one raised eyebrow.

Bob Denver - from Maynard G Krebs to Gilligan, that dumbass shtick wore thin.

And she probably doesnt count since Grease was 78, but Id smack Olivia Newton John right in the face.

Posted by: MG at January 23, 2008 5:19 PM

JH--cousin oliver topped my list on the last celebrity fight list! i can't believe i left him off of this one! that hair! ugh.

Posted by: kelley at January 23, 2008 5:20 PM

Alright: you bring up Ava Gardner, now how about that tiny coward surrounded by mob bodyguards, Sinatra!

Little bitch.

Posted by: richbachelor at January 23, 2008 5:23 PM

~Donald O'Connor, not because I hate him, but because he's totally amazing and I'd like to see what kind of acrobatic shit he could pull while trying to fend off my puny punches

~Debbie Reynolds, because I'd want to see her violently angry and spewing profanities

~Marlon Brando, because he deserves it

Posted by: llism at January 23, 2008 5:27 PM

"~Donald O'Connor, not because I hate him, but because he's totally amazing and I'd like to see what kind of acrobatic shit he could pull while trying to fend off my puny punches"

Good one! I want to have Singing in the Rain's tapdancing babies.

Posted by: Julie at January 23, 2008 5:31 PM

Woody Allen - it's been said - he's creepy and annoying and generally just sucks at life

Jane Fonda - stop shooting off your damn mouth, woman! Oh...really? You're a feminist? You're a Christian? You like animals? NOBODY CARES! Stop talking about yourself!

Lily Tomlin - no reason, her face just rubs me the wrong way

Barbra Streisand - you aren't a funny girl, Babs

Jack Nicholson - for selling out when he doesn't need to (Anger Management, The Bucket List)

Posted by: tt_marie at January 23, 2008 5:34 PM

The. Rat. Pack.

Posted by: djganesh at January 23, 2008 5:35 PM

Vivien Leigh...hands down.

That bitch was cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Posted by: citizen_cris at January 23, 2008 5:40 PM

Hmm...I always kind of love the wholesome girls...Doris Day, Judy Garland, Olivia Newton John, Shirley Temple (modern day equivalent - maybe Reese). I don't know why a wholesome reputation would be a bad thing.

Ava Gardner. Why the hell would you want to fight with her (in a non-sexual way)? Soooo beautiful. They don't make 'em like that anymore.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 23, 2008 5:43 PM

Hmm...tough one. Let's see.

1) Kim Novak. Undertalented limp dishrag--the Gwyneth Paltrow of her day (Gwyneth would be at the top of my modern-day list).

2) Robert Donat. Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

3) Claire Trevor. No one should be as screechy as she was in Allegheny Uprising. Seriously, I felt bad for John Wayne.

4) Joan Fontaine, for being unable to take the fact that her sister was a bigger star. Maybe Joan should have had more of a personality on screen.

5) Ray Bolger. Just annoying. Just because that schtick worked as the Scarecrow doesn't mean we wanted to keep seeing it.

Posted by: Kate at January 23, 2008 5:45 PM

Dang. Tough crowd. I'm going with Reagan - admittedly because I know that he was a union-busting asshole later in life (after serving as head of SAG).

Posted by: Samantha T at January 23, 2008 5:46 PM

Ooh see this just plays into my feelings of blood thirst that I've been harbouring for the last couple weeks. I think fantasizing about kicking old school celeb's asses is therapeutic. I'll direct my comments directly out of pure bitterness about the subjects.

1. Elia 'Rat Bastard' Kazan - This sonofabitch earned his curb stomping selling out his pals to Joe McCarthy. I lost all respect for the Oscars when they had the balls to give this waste of skin an honourary award. Fuck you. I hope your nurses in the home are communists and abuse your frail elderly ass.

2. Jack 'You Can't Handle the Truth' Nicholson - I've never understood why some people idolize your one note over acting ass. You play the same basic character in every. single. movie. Al Pacino does the same thing but isn't a perverted man-goat hybrid creature that insists on dating zygotes despite the fact that the Grimm Reaper is on speed dial. That's why you win. The 'prize' is me sheering off your pelt before stringing you up by your ankles and using you as a pinata.

3. Woody 'Thank God She Was Adopted' Allen - For too many years people have called your whiny, self involved, unfunny, nebbishy crap genius. You were never funny or genius-ever. You are nothing more than a disgusting stereotype of a Jewish New Yorker and your very existence offended me even before you came out as banging your adopted kid. I'd love to help Mia Farrow nail those glasses to your skull.

4. Franky 'Teen Angel?' Avalon and Annette 'Twitchy' Funicello - The double bill. Your squeaky clean insistence at forcing puritan values upon further generations makes me ill. I'd love to beat both of you with good old Uncle Walt's (Disney for those who are too lazy to guess)cryogeniclly frozen head. Then we'd go 'Back to the Beach' and use you as chum to attract sharks so I could watch them try to eat surfers in your memory.

Hmmm...Perhaps I'm a bit more blood thirsty than I thought.

Posted by: Ms. Parker at January 23, 2008 5:49 PM

Ooooh, I might want to fight Elizabeth Taylor - - because her perfume sucks and I think she'd be feisty (I do love her, though)

Posted by: tt_marie at January 23, 2008 5:50 PM

Barbara Stanwyck - Mostly for her scenery chewing ways but because I'm betting she could hit like a man, dammit.
Burt Reynolds - Smug, talentless prick. Oh... and I'll just bet that he hits like a ... well... not a man.
Jackie Gleason. I don't know why. Just because.

Posted by: Spender at January 23, 2008 5:53 PM

Henry Higgins.
I think if I could re-write My Fair Lady, I would have ended it with Professor Higgins getting punched in the mouth.
Just you wait Henry Higgins...just you wait...

Posted by: brenia at January 23, 2008 5:53 PM

I want to fight Scarlett O'Hara. Not the actress, but Scarlett herself. And then I'd fight Melly. Both those bitches need a swift kick in the ass, Scarlett for being so heartless and selfish, and Melly for having no spine whatsoever

Posted by: Cady at January 23, 2008 5:54 PM

Hey, I saw Disney On Ice a coupla weeks ago. Except for a few freezer burns, ol' Walt didn't look too bad. I'd defrost that racist rascal just to beat him up (only after telling him that Obama won the presidency... heheheh).

Posted by: Spender at January 23, 2008 5:57 PM

sansho1: "The kid from Shane. Go pick yourself out a switch, you towheaded, short-pantsed little p***y!"

Couldn't agree more.

I'd want to throw down with William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. They would try to do that lame two-handed Star Trek punch and just get owned. Plus I think Bones is just surely enough to join in on the beating.

Posted by: Oh Henry at January 23, 2008 6:04 PM

These are stiff rules, man. I was born nine years after the damn cutoff! Are you trying to weed out the younger Pajiba demographic? We are the future!

Aaaaannyway:

Burt Reynolds- the recent comments by Kathleen Turner are just the latest in a long string of stories about his despicable behavior. He's a pathetic relic of ugly history. And a general asshole.

Doris Day- just to see her angry. I mean, beyond her "scrunch up my face at Rock Hudson" angry.

Annette motherfucking Funicello- I hated her shit beach movies, even as TMC billed them as classics, and I hate her even more for popularizing the goddamn Mickey Mouse club, which claims a monopoly over my generation's imaginations and wallets.

Charlton Heston- obvious.

Does Chuck Norris count? He's old-ish. I don't so much hate him for his work so much as him being the subject of that semi-ironic, semi-manlove-erotic Chuck Norris worship humor so popular a couple of years ago. My dumbass ex-boyfriend thought he could attach "and then Chuck Norris gave birth to a marmoset through his left tear duct" to the end of everything and be suddenly, uniquely and outrageously funny. Funny for the shock value once, maybe thrice, but every motherfucking day for two years? Dumb shit.

OK, that's all. And I'm too worked up to proofread, so enjoy the inevitable typos.

Posted by: becca at January 23, 2008 6:08 PM

I'd like to offer a clarification regarding the Mickey Mouse club: I'm referring to the behemoth Disney machine that basically sprouted out of the Mickey Mouse club. For example, I think that Funicello is partly to blame for the fact that Miley Cyrus had the highest-selling record this year, or something like that. Maybe it was best-selling tour, but either way, Disney has thrown us some shit entertainment over the years, all the while teaching us youngsters to lick it up like a goddamned spoonful of sugar.

Whoa, I didn't know I had so much rage.

Posted by: becca at January 23, 2008 6:14 PM

Ahh, the Comment Diversion. My old friend.

I, like Jimbob, want to take down June Allyson.
(mostly because of the fucking hair).

Woody Allen, cause he is creepy, whiny, and I know I could take him.

Betty Hutton, cause bitch can't act but she can overact. I would like to cut her then stand over her and watch her bleed. Ha Ha.

Joan Crawford, cause bitch was crazeeee! She ruined her face with weirded-out plastic surgery, and because I love "Mommie Dearest". I would probably add her daughter, Christina, because I think she made some of that stuff up. It did make one hell of a campy movie, though. Pajabians, you should check it out. Awesome, and immensely quotable.

Ronald Reagan, because he is SATAN. I'd like to take a crack at his ass. Dumbfuck.

I am in a pissy mood today, and this diversion was just the remedy I needed. Thanks, Pajiba.

Posted by: jen310 at January 23, 2008 6:24 PM

I'd fight Mickey Mouse. God I hated his fucking cartoons as a child watching the Disney Channel. Quit smiling already, you officious prick!

Posted by: JanetFaust at January 23, 2008 6:30 PM

I sometimes have the urge to smack Humphrey Bogart in the face and scream, "Emote, damn you! EMOTE!!!" Usually when I'm watching a Humphrey Bogart movie.

I'm sure some Pajiban will burn me in effigy for saying that...

Posted by: Todd at January 23, 2008 6:32 PM

Humphrey Bogart.... Ol' Dribble Lip hisself, I hate him.

That girl who was in Rooster Cogburn with John Wayne, she was such an ASSHOLE. Something about the way she spoke, I don't know. She was in an episode of Star Trek, too.

Doris Muh-fukin' Day- she makes me want to heave.

Karl Malden- what the fuck is that thing in the center of his face? I want to wrench it off.

Myrna Loy. I have no idea why.

Posted by: Hattie at January 23, 2008 6:45 PM

Orson Welles, because of that retarded Nostradamus "documentary" that I somehow wound up seeing 957 times between the years of 1981-1987. Although that's not really fair, since he'd probably be drunk.

Posted by: june at January 23, 2008 6:48 PM

Ms. Parker- Here, here on Jack Nicholson! While I've been impressed with a performance or two (The Departed comes to mind), I think he's a smug, selfish asshole.

Posted by: becca at January 23, 2008 6:50 PM

John Wayne-Because it's John Wayne.

James Stewart-For being a racist, J. Edgar Hoover butt-kissing jerk. And to the person who led me to finding out Jimmy was an arsehole; Fuck you for ruining my favourite goddamn movies.

Elia Kazan-For being a rat and screwing up On the Waterfront with the wrong ending to satisfy his ego.

Charlton Heston-Because it's Charlton Heston.

Shirly Temple-Not cute, not sweet, just fucking annoying.

Posted by: whenindoubt at January 23, 2008 7:55 PM

1. Sinatra, a true & complete asshole.
2. Ronnie Reagan, ditto.
3. Bing Crosby, a contemptible sleazebag.
4. Ken Berry. I truly despised those shitty Disney movies he was in during the 1970's.
5. Definitely on the John Wayne beat-down bandwagon. Everything he supposedly represented makes me gag.

Posted by: Dude Manbro at January 23, 2008 8:05 PM

Charlton Heston
Barbara Streisand
Sean Connery
I can't really think of anymore right now. I liked PissBoy's John Wayne answer. I love the fight in Quiet Man.

Posted by: Erin at January 23, 2008 8:08 PM

Definitely John Wayne! I think his feet are ridiculously small in proportion to his body; he reminds me of a Weeble.

Also, for some unknown reason, I have beef with Deborah Kerr. I can't sit through that scene in An Affair to Remember where she's trying to be all pious in that chapel. I just really hate her. Grrr.

Posted by: LB at January 23, 2008 8:12 PM

Charlton Heston(Gun Nut!)
John Huston in Chinatown(Pervert!)
The Wicked Witch of the West(Big ol' Byoch!)
Ronald Regan(Republican Asshole!)
Walt Disney(Nazi, Sexist pig!)

Posted by: Kamakazi Feminist at January 23, 2008 8:24 PM

Just want to clarify for you all, I would totally want to fight Ava Gardner in a sexual-jello-fight-wrestling, hair-pulling, kind of way. (And I'm a straight woman obsessed with Christian Bale...)

Posted by: Be Adequite! at January 23, 2008 8:49 PM

Bette Davis - She was scrappy. I bet she could throw a punch.

Charleton Heston - Get your hands off me you damned dirty ape!

Rex Harrison - Henry Higgins was such an asshole in My Fair Lady. Eliza Doolitle should have slugged him.

Posted by: greer at January 23, 2008 9:19 PM

1. Richard Burton (for acting the same in every movie...)

2. Gary Cooper (for making movies I was forced to watch as a child...)

3. Viviene Leigh (sp) (for being Blanche to Brando's Stanley)

4. Norman Mailor (for being the answer to every literature Trivial Pursuit question)

5. Wilt Chamberlain (for being gross)

Posted by: pseudoliterati at January 23, 2008 10:35 PM

-Another vote for John Wayne. He's always recalled as an "Ultimate Man." Bullshit. His first name was Marion and he had a couple of facelifts, not to mention the fact he's a goddamn actor so none of the manliness is real.
-A threeway catfight with Joan Crawford and Faye Dunaway, for the story.
-Hitler; no explanation needed.

Posted by: ugh at January 23, 2008 10:39 PM

Woody Allen- I just do.
The Hoff- on the Young and the Restless, his chest hair scared me even then.
Mickey Rooney- I hate that old fucker.
Sally Struthers- only because she's short.
Diana Ross- no reason.

Posted by: demondoll at January 23, 2008 10:52 PM

Fucking goddamn Elizabeth Taylor. Bitch couldn't act for shit. Also Humphrey Bogart, because while I do love Casablanca, that's sort of in spite of him and his stupid face. He ruined Sabrina. And Rosalind Russel, just because I bet she would get dirty.

Posted by: Smithy at January 23, 2008 10:54 PM

Paul McCartney

One word:

Wings.

Posted by: Diana at January 23, 2008 10:57 PM

1. Dorothy Dandridge. It'll bring out the ghetto in her. I know it's there.

2-5. The Rat Pack (except Sammy). Frank, Dean, Joey, and Peter all deserve a good swift punch to the nutsack.

Posted by: Ciji at January 23, 2008 11:12 PM

What? Jimmy Stewart was an asshole racist? Really? God... that's terrible because I love him. Have you ever seen "Harvey?" Jeez... Oh, well. This is pretty good, because I finally get to vent about my hatred for SPENCER TRACY. Hate. Just hate. He's like the John Cusack of his day for me. He's not even good-looking but still so goddamned smug and "I'm still married but everyone knows I'm banging Katherine Hepburn" and all that. I remember hearing somewhere that he belittled her acting abilities, too. I would love to make him cry like a girl. HENRY FONDA because, according to his daughter, he basically turned every woman he was around into a bulimic because he liked women so skinny. And in the same vein, I'd like to kick AUDREY HEPBURN's scrawny ass. Little miss "I eat all the time I'm just naturally skinny" anorexic bitch with her pretentious-ass accent. And speaking of accents that these lazy bastards couldn't even bother to lose for even ONE of their too-many roles, let's talk about INGRID BERGMAN, the most overrated actress of all time. I'd just like to wipe that ever-present self-satisfied smirk off her fat face.

Posted by: RLS-1 at January 23, 2008 11:23 PM

1. Frank fucking Sinatra (for being a jerk and a creep in real life)
2. Ryan O'Neal (cinematic non-entity and a wife/child beater)
3. Barbara motherfucking Streisand (MENTL!)
4. Charles Grodin (AKA The Nutless Wonder)
5. Jane bitch cunt Fonda ('nuff said)

Posted by: Tomasina at January 23, 2008 11:32 PM

Honorable mentions:

1. Lucille Ball (SCOTCH ROCKS!)
2. Jerry Lewis (JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY!)
3. Ringo Starr (for being in some of the crappiest movies of all time)

Posted by: Tomasina at January 24, 2008 12:15 AM

1. Miriam Hopkins, for being a truly annoying gash; thankfully her stay in H-wood was brief. Bette Davis hated her so much she got to shake her hard on camera in Old Acquaintance
2. Loretta Young for being so sickeningly sweet in everything, and a "devout Catholic" offscreen. I don't think she ever played an outright slag bitch, although she was quite the ho offstage, having a child out of wedlock with Clark Gable.
3. John Wayne because he was the worst actor ever, and besides Walter Matthau said (in Hanging Up) that JW had the teeniest prick in the business, ha ha.
4. John Ford for enabling John Wayne via those endless testosteroned westerns, etc
5. Orson Welles for trashing Marion Davies so viciously in Citizen Kane. Davies was said to be a nice gal with a talent for comedy who just happened to be in love with stuffy ol' William Randolph Hearst.

Posted by: Matt at January 24, 2008 12:58 AM

All of the Brady Bunch and all of the Partridge Family. Singing children are just sick and unnatural.

Posted by: Whiny Dancer at January 24, 2008 1:07 AM

Steve Mcqueen- because he always has to smack a bitch. fuck you! you're not cool!

James Stewart- why would an asshole THAT old and grumpy ever be believable as Grace Kelly's (relucant!) fiance??

Posted by: cockamouse at January 24, 2008 1:11 AM

Orson Welles. Because I just don't like Citizen Kane. And I think I'm the only person to do so.

Judy Holliday. For stealing Gloria Swanson or Bette Davis' Oscar. Pick either one.

Joan Plowright? Is that right? Was she active then? Anyway. For having zero talent and sucking the talent right out of Olivier.

Paul Schofield. For stealing Richard Burton's freaking Oscar.

Micky Rooney. Just because it couldn't hurt.

Posted by: Brooke at January 24, 2008 2:01 AM

Jerry Lewis.
Frank Sinatra.

Posted by: Rebel L at January 24, 2008 4:01 AM

Good one, Ranylt! The names below below have the double misfortune of a) being faces I've always hated and b) starring in sucky movies I've always hated.

1. Bette Davis/Joan Crawford (both get the same reaction from me)
2. Claudette Colbert (NOT sexy!)
3. Clark Gable (NOT sexy!)
4. Trevor Howard (Romeo my ass)
5. Kid from motherfucking Shane! He needs a good slap. (Whoever mentioned this first is a hero.)

Posted by: reesy at January 24, 2008 5:32 AM

Lee Marvin, but only if we could fight on the old Dirty Dozen set.

Posted by: WestCoastPat at January 24, 2008 7:05 AM

1)marylin monroe
2)charlton heston
3)jerry lewis (he hadn't made king of comedy before the cutoff, so i can still punch him)
4)spencer tracy (for how he treated katherine)
5)audrey hepburn (i don't buy it)
bonus swings:
- ethel merman
- sean connery

Posted by: celery at January 24, 2008 7:37 AM

i've used up my violence quota, but could one of you please knock out sir laurence olivier for me?

Posted by: celery at January 24, 2008 8:08 AM

If we beat down on the pre-75 Rolling Stones, would it stop them from creeping me out today. They look like a bunch of old guys who get arrested for hanging around a schoolyard - Mick escpecially

Posted by: Brian at January 24, 2008 9:20 AM

Faye Dunaway, I just can't stand her.

Posted by: amber at January 24, 2008 9:33 AM

Bozo The Clown.

Anyone who's name ends in "The Clown" deserves an ass beating and a punch in the tit.

Posted by: wsapnin at January 24, 2008 9:34 AM

Katherine Hepburn... I can see neither her appeal nor beauty, and her acting simply leaves me cold.

Or maybe I'm just a bourgoise nincompoop. Either way, bring it on.

Posted by: Ling at January 24, 2008 10:55 AM

Some of these five are great actors but still annoy the crap out of me for some unknown reason.

Jack Lemmon-Truly amazing in everything pre and post 1975 but I need to land just one good punch on him.

Joseph Cotton (Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte and tons more) - Totally creepy-its the HAIR!

Glenn Ford (the original 3:10 To Yuma) good actor but I think I could take him with one hand tied behind me and on a wooden leg.

June Allyson-simpy, prissy, can't act, same hair-do for over a hundred years, in need of some mud wrasslin'.

Tippi Hedren-one of Hitchcock's Blondes-almost destroyed The Birds single-handedly. How much did the expression on her face change as they were winging live birds at her head?-not one damn bit.
I really want to go at least 5 rounds with her, even kicking when she goes down. Crap actress.

Posted by: DJO at January 24, 2008 11:12 AM

Hayley Mills. I hate that smug little bitch. Pollyanna alone makes me want to set her on fire.

Posted by: Wooster at January 24, 2008 11:19 AM

Ernest Fuckin' Borgnine. I have no idea why; any movie that I have seen with him in it, were not bad, I just don't like him. WestCoastPat, we need to have a anywhere falls hardcore streetfight tornado tag team match so that we can beat up Marvin and Borgnine on the set of "Dirty Dozen". That would be worth the pay-per-view price. Oh and Jimmy "I Need To Fuckin' Die" Stewart. I despise It's A Wonderful Life. "What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary." I have a better idea. I'll throw a lasso over a tree branch and around your neck. And hows about I gives it a pull, eh, Jimmy? You think that is good idea!

Posted by: ScarletKnight at January 24, 2008 11:37 AM

Dalton Trumbo and everyone else on the black list. You assholes knew that Stalin murdered 10 million Ukrainians by starving them to death 20 years earlier and that was the side you took. Even Khruschev denounced Stalin in the 50's though he actually did most of the dirty work on his fellow Ukrainians. Guess what, starving is too good for you so you're gonna die from having my foot broke off in yer ass. Anybody who did the reverse black list that prevented patriots like Elia Kazan, Robert Taylor and Adolph Menjou from working because they "named names." Commie rat bastids.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at January 24, 2008 12:03 PM

Oh, add me to the hate for Woody Allen...most over-rated nebbishy little shit ever. Was he ever funny? And Reagan. Jesus, what an asshole.

Other than that....


1) Barbara Stanwyck---bitch looked wicked, and apparently enjoyed a good lickin'

2) The cast of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers...Christ I hate that movie

3) Walt Disney....just a complete dickwad

4) The Abomidable Snowman from Rudolph--hey, he scared the crap out of me as a kid

5) Veronica Lake, Elizabeth Taylor and other "pretty girl" actresses who slept their way to the top

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 24, 2008 12:06 PM

Oh yeah! I love when the word "patriot" is used to justify someone being an asshole. If I weren't so exhausted from beating the crap out of Bette Davis, I'd start an argument here.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 24, 2008 12:18 PM

Eleanor Parker, the Baroness, from The Sound of Music. Honestly, there are so many actresses that acted like idiots and let the men save them (I know it's part of the script but...grr) so I would like to take them all out. And Tippi Hedren.(I just wanted to call her out specifically)

Posted by: lyricalcatt at January 24, 2008 12:46 PM

1. Gene Kelly. Smug fucking bastard

2. Mickey Rooney. Mugging fucking bastard.

3. John Wayne. Let's get a posse together.

4. June Allyson. Glad to see the hatred for her. What a waste of celluloid.

5. Ginger Rogers. Red Scare Cunt who called out a lot of people. Love to pull the hairs out of her chin.

Posted by: Andrew at January 24, 2008 1:01 PM

Reesy-


Did you mean Leslie Howard? He was the ancient Romeo to Norma Shearer's ancient Juliet. Trevor Howard was in Brief Encounter and Green for Danger. Leslie Howard was in Gone with the Wind. I have no qualms either way, I just want to know which one you think more deserves a beating.

Posted by: Darcy at January 24, 2008 1:05 PM

Count me in on the John Wayne shoeing.

And I think I may be out on a couple of years, but every time that kid in The Champ opens his mouth I wanna slap the little fucker.

Posted by: Lisa S at January 24, 2008 1:15 PM

This list is going to consist of celebrities I would start fights with but there is no way I could win. But, I would be able to say the following people kicked my ass:

Lee Marvin

Charles Bronson

Lee Van Cleef

I'm pretty sure that all three of these guys were birthed from an unholy union of pig iron and boot leather. At best I would get a few punches in before they started to beat the holy hell out of me. But to have the honor of saying "Yeah, Bronson chipped my tooth." or "Lee Marvin gave me this black eye." That would be pretty fucking cool

Posted by: Tanner at January 24, 2008 1:49 PM

1. Debbie Reynolds - I just wonder how long it would take for her to go from shock to fighting back.

2. Ann Miller - Here character in East Parade drives me nuts.

3. Maureen O'Hara - I guess I like the thought of fighting a lot of old actresses.

4. Barbara Streisand - For obvious reasons.

5. Warren Beatty - He deserves it.

Posted by: Megan S. at January 24, 2008 4:08 PM

Though talented, Andy Warhol always seemed like an absolute fucking asshole to me.

Posted by: Samantha T at January 24, 2008 6:15 PM

Darcy, thanks for pointing out my pretty criminal mistake! I did indeed mean Leslie Howard- I must've had my head in the clouds when typing earlier on. I would never criticise any of the protagonists in the wonderful 'Brief Encounter'. 'Gone With the Wind', on the other hand, makes me want to hurt people...

Posted by: reesy at January 24, 2008 6:15 PM

1. elvis. why did this man ever think he could act? who convinced him of this? stupid col.

2. rose marie. i bet that bitch could totally throw down.

3. joan crawford. i always felt that mommy dearest was rather laughable. shit, i wished for her brand of chil abuse when i was little. so i'd kind of like a go at her just to make sure that she is as big a pussy as i think she is.

shoot, my rides here, i'll finish later!

Posted by: courtney at January 24, 2008 9:46 PM

I'd love to get a mouthful of bloody chiclets from Audie Murphy. I bet he'd take me to task so fast...It would be worth losing just to say I'd pissed off a war hero enough to get my shit kicked in.

Posted by: Bosley Crowther at January 24, 2008 10:31 PM

:Close to tears: Man, there's a lot of Woody Allen hate around here. I thought his 70's films were genius! Annie Hall, Manhattan, Sleeper (the end was a bit iffy, though)...those are great films! Heck, even though most of his 90's movies suck, I like Deconstructing Harry. Great Topsy-Turvy salute to Bergman's Wild Strawberries, if you ask me...which I'm sure none of you are. Eh, opinions.
-HOWEVER! I do understand the contempt for him based on the molestation charge and the Soon-Yi affair. Those are messed up (especially if the former is true, which a lot of people assume but I can't comment) though the Soon-Yi thing, while slightly sleazy, is not AS bad...though I do find it unsettling. But he is entitled...but it does do the accusations made by people here that he's creepy justice.

Back on topic:

-Charlton Heston because he's a shit. Can't act, is a self-righteous gun nut and is an all-around fuckhead. Bastard. REALLY don't like him.
-Ronald Reagan for mostly similar reasons.

-I'm ambivalent about the whole blacklisting thing. What I do hate is how completely harmless and talented people who supported communism lost their jobs. What I'm wary of is those who may have supported Stalin as OscarTamerz rants about. However, I think those communists who did or didn't support Stalin were more in support of the idea of a political philosophy that stood against the pretty miserable and occasionally corrupt capitalistic system of those days, which has changed significantly over the years. But I really don't think communism's much of a solution anyway, so...more ambivalence.

-Hmmm...oh, also Frank Capra because I hate his cheeky and kitsch movies...deeper messages aside, though, because some of those are fine by me. But still. Can't fucking stand "It's A Wonderful Life" or "It Happened One Night".

-Jean-Luc Godard, hesitantly. Sometimes he's brilliant, other times I seriously want to punch him in the face.
-On a slightly similar note, the main girl in "Masculin-Feminin". I thought she was horrible. I'd also say Jean-Pierre Leaud because of his character in the film, but I liked him too much in "400 Blows".

-Liliana Cavani, for making the boring and pointless "The Night Porter" (1974). I don't care if Visconti and Pasolini liked it and rooted for its release. I don't care if it's a high-brow 70's nihilistic art film. I don't even care that it stars Charlotte Rampling and Dirk Bogarde, who are good actors. There's NO point to that film! There's nothing to appreciate in the film (except maybe the opera bits, but that's because I sheepishly like The Magic Flute...oh, and stylistically, it's PASSABLE), nothing to like, no one to root for or sympathize with or be interested in as a character. NOTHING. It's a completely NOTHING film. And if that's supposedly the appeal of it? Good grief, you're going to have to try harder than that to convince me it's a good film. Jesus.

Okay, I'm done. I need to stop writing long things.

Posted by: vic at January 25, 2008 2:58 AM

Er, didn't mean to capitalize "Topsy-Turvy" in that first paragraph. I was so used to typing out the name of the film made by the incredible Mike Leigh, far better than "Deconstructing Harry", to which it would be a great injustice to compare. Topsy-Turvy = a million times better. Yeesh.

Posted by: vic at January 25, 2008 3:00 AM

Late in the game.

Why, am I really the first one to bring up Andy Griffith and Don Knotts?

A good kick in the liver area could've saved us from *insert Grampa Simpson voice* "Maaaaaatlock!"

Posted by: Adere at January 25, 2008 12:10 PM

Warren Beatty. Yeah. I'd like to punch him right in the squint.

I like the Van Cleef/Bronson/Lee Marvin angle.
But I like Lee Marvin the best, so for the other two I'd sneak in a blackjack or something.

Bette Davis, just because it'd be a good rassle.

The Three Stooges. Never liked them. And I am a boy. But I think it would actually wind up being quite a fun fight.

Gary Cooper. I do like him, but I just want to see if his facial expression would change at all if I bounced one off his chin.

Posted by: Odnon at January 25, 2008 2:17 PM

Lee "Mother Fucking" Majors. Actually I really liked his movies. I just always thought it would be cool to tell people I had my ass kick my Lee Majors. Hell, his name would kick my ass.

Posted by: Diablo at January 25, 2008 3:33 PM

1.) Montgomery Clift. I hate every movie I've seen him in. I cannot see him as a heartthrob. Just seeing him on the screen makes me angry.

2.) Orson Welles. He actually seems like a funny, cool guy, (like when he was on "I Love Lucy," but I hate Citizen Kane with every fiber of my body. Most over-rated movie EVER.

3.) Ingrid Bergman. Another case of the violently over-rated. I fall asleep every time I see her on the screen.

Posted by: Leigh at January 25, 2008 9:22 PM

1) Michael Landon - Little Joe - why'd they call him little?
Oh what the...the whole Cartwright clan and John Boy Walton.

Posted by: Peter at January 26, 2008 5:50 PM

Lucille Ball - I'd at least tie her down and duct-tape her friggin' mouth shut. Can't think of anyone else at the moment.

Posted by: Kris at January 26, 2008 5:51 PM

I'm late to the game, but as a big time fan of old movies I'd like to name a few people who I try to avoid:
1. Loretta Young - smarmy & holier-than-thou
2. Randolph Scott - more wooden than a totem pole
3. Joan Crawford - not attractive, overacts
4. Katherine Hepburn - I liked her better as she got older and quit trying to play the attractive ingenue.
5. And my number one hatred, Woody Allen. Hate him, hate his films. Talk about the Emperor's New Clothes, I think people must like him because they're told they should. Overrated hack!

Posted by: teresam at January 26, 2008 7:35 PM

Tom Hanks

Woody Allen

Lucille Ball

Posted by: djfox at January 26, 2008 11:41 PM

Robert Michum! God, I'm going to get my ass kicked.

Posted by: dr. gonzo at January 28, 2008 7:14 PM

Marilyn Frickin' Monroe. Cannot stand that stupid waste of celluloid space. What a testament to 50's era male-fantasy bullshit...whore.

Jack Nicholson? Needs a swift kick to the windpipe.

Um, I would fight Paul Newman. Naked. Covered in Newman's Own, baby.

Posted by: dubiwag at January 29, 2008 12:37 AM

I would fight Elvis Presley five times.

Posted by: embryotron at January 30, 2008 4:03 AM


Dammit! My choices are gone already, but I'll repeat them for emphasis anyway:

1. Woody Allen . can't stand his whiny a** characters.
2. John Wayne
3. Elvis Presley. Why the hell was he acting?

Posted by: FourEyes at January 30, 2008 8:26 AM

1. Barbra Streisand. Fuck you, Babs. You were kind of cool when you had two names but when you went all mono-moniker and believing your press, you were dead to me. I absolutely despise her with everything in me. Kill. (In fact, I will add all one-namers because you cease to be a normal person, Oprah, Madonna, but y'all are disqualified due to age.)
2. Shelley Winters, not because I hate her, I love her and she seemed like a cool broad. I think she'd put up a good fight and then we'd go drink champagne and talk about all the famous guys she slept with.
3. Charleton Heston for all the reasons everyone else has mentioned.
4. Woody Allen, again. I just want snap his neck.
5. Burt Reynolds for not being as cool as I thought he was.

Posted by: SKiP at January 30, 2008 12:04 PM