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Can You Guys Do This?

By Tater Barley Banks | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (103)

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Way back when I worked at my first job, I spent most of my time and most of my money (my pittance of a paycheck) at a bar called the Jury Box. So called, I presume, because it sat across the alley behind the county courthouse in the little nowhere town where I lived for two years.

I also knew the town burnout, a guy named Howard who looked like Charlie Manson on a bad hair day and IIRC dealt a little weed and who knows what else. Against all odds, Howard had a reasonably pretty wife named Shari who tended bar at the Box. She looked exactly, it would turn out decades later, like the Corpse Bride.

They also had a boy whose name I don’t remember and is not germane to the story anyway. Suffice to say he was maybe 8, maybe 10, and because it’s where his mom and dad spent a lot of their time, he hung out at the bar, too.

One day I’m at a table with two co-workers and we’re drinking 50 cent Stroh’s and amusing each other with little hand tricks. You people who are double-jointed will know what I mean. I was like, “Can you do this?” and I’d throw my left hand over my left shoulder and my right hand behind my back and link hands that way (try it, it’s not easy). Each of us was showing off some stupid little thing we can do (I SAID it was a nowhere town).

All the while, the kid is watching us, a half-demented sort of smile on his face. God only knew what evil experiments had been performed on this kid.

Suddenly, he pipes up: Hey! Can you guys do this?

And he rears back and with all his might slams his forehead on the table and comes up with this big, proud, dazed grin.

Needless to say, the three of us were on the fucking floor — really, I was on the floor — laughing so hard we were fighting for breath for the next 10 minutes.

That remains, to this day, 30 years later, hands down the funniest fucking thing I have ever seen.

You see where this is headed.

Yes, indeedy. Us shut-ins can get help each other get through the weekend by sharing the funniest things we’ve ever seen, though I know none of them will be, can POSSIBLY be, as funny as that. Try anyway. Go on.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO







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Comments

One of my friends was lying face up by the foot of an extremely tall coconut tree when suddenly a bunch of coconuts fell straight down on his face. After we made sure he was alive we just about died laughing.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 24, 2009 3:16 PM

When we were kids my 9 year old little brother was friends with the kid next door. This kid, Erin I think his name was, was the first person I ever knew with ADD/ADHD. This was back in the 80's, before everyone had it, and to this day his case is the standard by which I judge all others. Anyway, the poor little dude was always medicated and was still either wired or comatose.
Our house sits on the bank of the Willamette River, so most of the summertime activities revolved around the water. We were real water dogs as kids.
One day, (I remember it very well because I had my FIRST BOYFRIEND (read: 13 year old with braces who held hands with me)over for the afternoon for adolescent giggling and hand holding. Oh yeah, it was hot) we were all down at the dock and my brother and Erin were wading around in the shallow water. All of the sudden Erin was down, and he began screaming bloody murder. He was thrashing and churning, absolutely convinced he was drowning. Everyone rushed to the edge of the dock to see who was dying and how. Finally, my brother yelled "Erin, STAND UP!!!" The kid was in less than 2' of water. The wide eyed look on his face when he realized it was priceless.
My 'Boyfriend' (whose name I can't remember for the life of me) looked at me and said "I thought stuff like that only happened in cartoons!"

About 2 hours later he gave me my first kiss. (awww)
I promptly dumped him for a guy in a band.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 24, 2009 3:25 PM

As I'm a germaphobe, this is perfect for a weekend where I'm hiding from humanity infected with n1h1. Keep them coming and wash your fucking hands!

Posted by: Agent Scully at October 24, 2009 3:32 PM

I'm game. About 7 years ago, I was helping a friend put together a massive house party to celebrate the Fourth of July. There was going to be live music and beer kegs, followed by a very expensive fireworks showcase. Because he was throwing it in his parents’ backyard, they didn't want hundreds of kids traipsing in and out their home all night just to use the restroom. I proposed that we went out and 'borrow' a port-a-potty from a local construction site. That night a couple of us then 'borrowed' a neighbor’s crappy truck to move it in, which incidentally had a gas leak in the front cab. After arriving at a nearby construction site, we scoped out a decent looking toilet and hoisted it into the bed. Not having any ropes or cables to secure it, we volunteered one of our friends to sit in the back and keep it upright. About 5 minutes later and going 40 down a dirt road, the effects of the gas leak really took hold, as we were chuckling non-stop about our theft. Then, watching from the rearview mirror, I saw the port-o-potty tilt its balance, and land directly on my friend in the truck's bed. His arms and legs popped up like a cartoon coyote that just had a safe dropped on it. It took me almost a minute to catch my breath from laughing so hard to finally let my buddy know we needed to stop the truck. Our friend in the back was ok, but he got stuck with the nick-name of 'shitty' for a few weeks after.

Posted by: J Stride at October 24, 2009 3:33 PM

When I was about 7 years old I was dicking off in a booth at this buffet restuarant. Well I slipped and my chin got caught on the table and I was to short push myself up with my legs. So I kinda just hung there for a minute while my mother and sister laughed so hard at me my mom got a bloody nose.

Posted by: Jadashay at October 24, 2009 3:34 PM

Unfortunately I think if you were to ask my friends this a lot of them would involve stories where I fall over and/or make a fool of myself. 'Hey, do you remember that time Carrie was going to say goodbye and her arm did that alien hand thing, shot up and smacked the light fitting, breaking it?, or the time she jumped off a wall and her foot landed in an..er...delicate place?, or when she ran down the drive and didn't stop, smashing into the wall and cut her head open?' Yeah, I'm the kid who was taken aside at hospital where they asked questions to figure out if I was being abused. Nope, just clumsy.

I'm really trying hard to think of something someone else did. I'll probably think of it in about four days.

Posted by: Carrie at October 24, 2009 3:39 PM

Recently at a wedding, I saw my male friend dancing the macarena. The way he knew every single move, the enthusiasm he put into it, the way he wiggled his hips, I couldn't talk for about 30 minutes from laughing so hard.

Posted by: Temet Nosce at October 24, 2009 3:43 PM

The Impossible Sit-Up

During a night of drinking Terry announced to Jen that a person could not perform a complete sit-up with a wet towel placed over their face. Terry was a known prankster so everyone in the group just went with it. Jen, (aka The Naïve One) couldn't believe it. Terry asked Taryn, the nurse, to explain and Taryn obliged everyone with a medical explanation of the "facts". So York got down on the floor, Terry placed a soaked towel on Yorks face and York proceeded to struggle with a sit-up, eventually giving up. So Jen, really curious to try, got down on the floor. York placed the wet towel on Jen's face. Half way up, Terry pulled his pants and boxers down, straddled Jen and as Jen came up to a complete sit-up, York pulled the towel off her face, which proceeded to smack right into Terry's ass.

Priceless.

Posted by: Agent Scully at October 24, 2009 3:50 PM

York pulled the towel off her face, which proceeded to smack right into Terry's ass.

Priceless.

Posted by: Agent Scully at October 24, 2009 3:50 PM

--------------------------------------------------

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 24, 2009 4:14 PM

I once saw a guy with Down Syndrome smoking.

Posted by: Lucas at October 24, 2009 4:23 PM

I have taught dog agility classes for many years. I've had students ranging in age from 11 years old to over 70 years old. In agility, it's only the *dogs* who need to be agile, fortunately.

One night, my elderly student was working with his very difficult dog, a 40lb headstrong Chow mix. They were running a course and she veered off and cut across his path at the last second. I was certain he was going to collide with the dog, or at the very least fall while trying to avoid crashing into her. Visions of shattered hips, canine and human, appeared before my eyes.

But that's not what happened. My 70-year-old student did a freaking cartwheel over his dog. It was the craziest impromptu physical stunt I've ever seen, and it worked. I will never forget the sight, and I'm really glad I had witnesses because otherwise I might suspect my sanity was slipping.

Posted by: Wednesday at October 24, 2009 4:26 PM

Once, while sitting in a bar, my friend Dan and I both happened to look out the window in time to see two guys on scooters whiz by. They were moving in perfect unison and for some reason we found this completely hilarious, but no one else saw it so they thought we were crazy.
Also, this shouldn't be funny, it really shouldn't but...I used to live in an old house that had been converted into apartments and a friend of mine lived downstairs. One morning, very early, my live-in bf at the time came home from a walk (he was kind of an insomniac) and told me a tree had fallen on my friend's car in the night. I made him wait a couple of hours to knock of the friend's door and tell him, since it was hella early, but around 6:30 or 7 Matt when downstairs to inform Jeff what had happened. Jeff answered the door in a bathrobe and his arm in a sling. We had no idea what had happened at the time (he'd actually pulled his shoulder out of socket the night before by....cheering at a football game, no joke), but Matt, apparently paralyzed upon discovering that Jeff was already dealing with one bit of bad news, decided not to tell him what happened and just insisted that Jeff come outside and see for himself. The sight of Jeff all injured and sleepy seeing what had happened to his car overnight was pretty darn funny.

Posted by: s. pisaster at October 24, 2009 4:27 PM

This is turning out to be my favourite Weekend Comment Diversion ever - I'm already nearly dead from laughter (Agent Scully in the lead) and it's early yet...

Posted by: Squeeziee at October 24, 2009 4:39 PM

In the town I grew up in the transition from middle school to high school was marked by an annual 8th grade class trip to an amusment park or something of the ilk. For our 8th grade trip we picked Wet n' Wild as our park of choice. We traveled to Las Vegas on a bus and were given our tickets and meal coupons. Everything was paid for by the school so as to make it easy on parents.

So we get off the bus and everyone went their separate ways. My best friend Tiffany and I decided to go to lunch first, so we go to one of the stands, give them our meal coupons and go sit at a table. We had barely sat down when I pigeon swoops in, lands on Tiffanys burger and just starts flapping on her food and in her face. Oh and did I mention she is absolutely terrified of birds? She is screaming at the top of her lungs, swatting at this bird and it's just flapping and squaking on her plate all the while I had fallen of the bench and was doubled over laughing.

The bird finally flew away she looks at me and tears are streaming down her face. She yells at me because I was still laughing my ass off. I finally stop laughing long enough to calm her down. Till I looked at her plate and saw the demolished hamburger and I lost it all over again. To top it off, she didn't bring any other money with her because everything was covered by the school, so she had no money for more food, I of course shared with her but she still gets mad at me to this day when I re-tell the story.

Posted by: ashes at October 24, 2009 4:53 PM

When I was fifteen, my best friend's family and I were staying at a nice hotel in San Francisco because we were flying out of SFO in the morning. She and I went exploring the hotel and found the gym room. As it was late at night, it was completely deserted, so we proceeded to play around on the gym equipment. When we got to the treadmills, we were playing around with the speed and seeing how fast it would go. I somehow goaded my friend into standing on the sides of the treadmill, and turning it up to full speed. She then propped herself on her arms and hovered over the speeding belt and as she attempted to lower herself at running speed, she was only able to make a few skipping strides before the belt grabbed her feet and slammed back off of the treadmill. There was only about two feet of space between the back of the treadmill and the wall, and she was all kind of curled up in there with her face practically on the speeding belt, and her hair in danger of being ripped out, and I was laughing so hard I barely made it to the emergency stop button. To this day I can barely make it through that story because I start laughing so hard. It's funny to watch someone fall off a treadmill on tv; it's funnier to watch my best friend do it because she listened to my silly suggestions even though I knew what the likely outcome would be.

Posted by: Alexandra at October 24, 2009 5:05 PM

I'd claim the duck incident with my mom was the funniest, but I don't actually remember it, so I can't vouch.

Once upon a time my family lived in a townhouse. It was this shoddy as hell apartment complex, and it's a wonder I don't have a wealth of stupid injury stories from it.

Anyway, my little brother had one hell of a temper. He was still smaller than me, and so hadn't moved on to simply beating on me when he was unhappy. We were latchkey kids, and usually had hours to ourselves. When the boy got really ticked at me, he'd scream and rant at the top of his lungs, run to the stairs, kick the bit of wall below the bottom step, then pound up to his room to slam the door.

Y'all see where this is going, right?

One day he was seriously worked up, and when he kicked, his foot went straight through. The look on his face was in all ways beyond priceless.

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at October 24, 2009 5:05 PM

Also, I used to work for the state health department. I was just an administrative assistant, but when the swine flu scare started really getting off the ground, I was volunteered for the H1N1 phone bank (be forewarned, it's pretty likely anyone at your local health department on the other end of the phone when you call for info has about as much medical training as yours truly). I did eventually get a ridiculous amount of info about H1N1 and the regular seasonal flu, but on my first day they just put me on the phone and wished me luck.

The hysteria centered around a mild flu when the regular flu is more likely to fuck you up has had me giggling for months. I have yet to figure out why this one gets all the panic when the flu every year kills so many people.

My favorite call was from a youth minister in Kansas. They had been planning a trip to the Oklahoma City mission and wanted to know if they should be concerned about catching the flu while they were in Oklahoma. At the time, Kansas had more than 20 confirmed cases while Oklahoma still only had 6. I told him that maybe he should be more concerned about bringing the flu to us.

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at October 24, 2009 5:13 PM

Last year, my aunt died (my mom's twin sister), and my mom flew here for the funeral. It was a long, awful, tragic affair. Anyway, I drive my mom to the airport on the final day of her trip, and she's crying, I'm crying, everyone is crying. We get to the departure gate, and I hug her as tight as I can, I give her one last kiss on the cheek, and I bend down to pick up her luggage as we say goodbye...

... and as I bend down, I split my pants. The front of my pants.

Hand to God.

Posted by: TK at October 24, 2009 5:16 PM

When I was a teenager my dad had a shih tzu. Being so small, it was easy to play fetch inside the house. The dog particularly liked chasing a tennis ball down the main hallway of the house.

At one time my step sister comes to visit with her 3 or 4 year old son. My step-nephew is utterly delighted with this game of throwing the tennis ball down the hall for the dog. After watching us a few times he gets in his head to try it himself.

He grabs the tennis ball and does as big a wind-up as he can muster, and chucks the tennis ball as hard as he can. And misses the hallway.

The tennis ball hits the wall next to the hallway, and bounces straight back, nailing the kid in the face and knocking him back on his ass.

It's hard to worry about a kid when you're laughing so hard. He himself was too stunned to even cry. He just kind of looked around like "What the fuck just happened?"

Posted by: Bistro at October 24, 2009 5:19 PM

Last year I went with my family to watch my little brother's high school graduation, which was outside on the football field since there were over 500 kids in his graduating class. The cerimony began. The school marching band played "Pomp and Circumstance" as 500 high school seniors marched out onto the field and stood in front of their chairs. Their instructions were to stand until the entire graduating class had finished walking, then everyone was to sit at the same time. All the kids had taken their position. The band finished their song. And all 500 students sat down in their chair except one... my brother. Apparently they had forgotten one chair in his row and it just happened to be his. Fortunatly for him someone found the missing chair and threw it to him, but I'll never forget the 30 seconds he spent standing there while everyone else was seated. And because of me, he'll never forget it either :)

Posted by: MikeG at October 24, 2009 5:28 PM

I'll probably be shut away in the doghouse for telling this one, but here goes...

My daughter is now one years old, and has been mobile (i.e. walking on her own) for over two months. Very proud of herself and enjoys the freedom to explore, which I of course encourage. After a doctor visit, right at the start of her toddler life, I take her to visit her godmother at work. The building has a glass-front wall and door for the reception area, which is fairly wide, so there's lots of exploring room for the munchkin. The glass is tinted brown, which I discover means nothing to my girl, as she walks into it accidentally, knocking her head against it with a DONG! sound.

I immediately pick her up, hug and squeeze to calm her, and she doesn't cry so much as give a "What the heck was that?!?" squeal.

A few moments later, she's quiet and squirming, so I put her down, and, hand to God, bee-lines for the glass again!

DONG!

Both godmother and I are laughing our asses off, while she screams at the glass the equivalent of "WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?!?"

Posted by: malikvlc at October 24, 2009 5:41 PM

Sadly, I wasn't around to see this particular misadventure:

Mr. meaux is quite remarkably night-blind. One evening, when he was a young lad, he was playing in the yard and was called into the house by his mom. He ran toward the house at full speed.

Unfortunately, between the boy and his house, there was a wooden picnic table. Poor guy wound up with a matching set of bruises on his shins and chest.

Posted by: meaux at October 24, 2009 5:56 PM

One random night, a bunch of us got together to hang out at a friend's. She has two young nieces, so she keeps a lot of games and toys around for their visits.

One of the guys discovered Twister in the game box, and suggested that we play. Of course only the guys wanted to play, so five of them set up the mat and gathered around it.

Five minutes in, all the girls were cracking up as the guys jockeyed for position on the mat. Pete, who's known for sweating profusely, was arched over Dan's leg. Daniel protested as Pete's sweat dripped off his chin onto Dan's leg. "It's like Chinese water torture!" he complained.

"Right foot red!" I commanded.

As the guys all tried to find a free red spot, Chris lost his balance. After wobbling against the huddle of bodies for a second, he overcompensated and crashed down onto the hardwood floor and promptly rolled into the fireplace.

He lay there, dazed, as we all exploded into screamiing laughter. After our initial howls of mirth died down, Chris gathered his wits enough to say, "Wait... does this mean that I'm out?"

We didn't stop laughing for a long, long time.

Posted by: Jelinas at October 24, 2009 6:20 PM

My brother had a boxer who was invited to more parties than he was.

However, the story this time involves my niece (his oldest girl) who was about 1 at the time. In this particular house the den was sunken and there was a half wall between the kitchen and the den.

On afternoon my sister-in-law, Pat, is in the kitchen working when she hears Shiloh (the dog) whining as if his heart is breaking. He looks into the den to see what is going on and my niece has the dog's balls in her hands, squeezing for all she's worth.

The poor dog just sat there and took it and Pat was laughing so hard she had a hard time making it into the den before the dog totally lost his poor mind.

Posted by: UncleJR at October 24, 2009 6:25 PM

When I was about 17 years old a group of my friends were hanging out at a friend's house (ditching school, of course) while his parents weren't home. This friend had a grandma who left a spare oxygen tank and wheelchair at the house for when she would visit. Naturally, we all inhaled some oxygen and came up with a brilliant plan. We chose the smallest of our friends, he was (and still is) about 5'6" and super skinny, as the lackey for our plan. We all drove him to the nearest 7-11 where he got in the wheelchair and sucked on his oxygen tank and asked to buy cigarettes. The attendant only turned him down because he was underage. And probably because he saw a group of 5 teenagers laughing their asses off. The image is still funny to this day!

Posted by: rrrka at October 24, 2009 6:28 PM

After a visit to Lenin's tomb, my teenage sister pulled me aside and mentioned that Lennon's (!) mummy does not look like him...

Posted by: yolandesa at October 24, 2009 6:29 PM

Long long ago, I was working at this shitty gas station job when a guy comes through the door, looks over at me with "hey, baby" eyes, then proceeds to strut to the fountain pop machine in the back. He fills up the biggest cup available, then struts and swaggers back up to the front, maintaining perfect come-hither eye contact the whole way.

Ten feet away from where I'm standing at the cash register, one of his feet catches on a floor mat, and bam! Flat out on his face, forty-four ounces of Coke flung in every direction. I was laughing so goddamned hard, I couldn't even talk or look at him, let alone function properly for at least ten minutes. I had to go sit in the beer cooler for a while.

The guy beat a hasty and red-faced retreat. Poor klutzy dude, hopefully he's since learned the lesson about being able to laugh at your own ridiculousness. As far as I'm concerned, that quality is far more attractive than cheesy glances and cocky walks.

Posted by: Edwina the Magnificent at October 24, 2009 6:36 PM

I was travelling in India with a friend with the unfortunate combination of a sensitive stomach and a limited range of foods he finds acceptable. If it wasn't served while he was young he won't eat it, he may try it to please you but that's all. Since he grew up in a convent school orphanage the range of his palate is limited. After a month, he started to get really unpleasant about the food which started to make him generally unpleasant to be around. To pacify him we traipsed about the city trying to find someone who could make him a sandwich. Any type. It didn't matter. He just wanted a sandwich.

As the day grew longer and his temper shorter we decided to spend the money a fancy hotel restaurant would cost in order for him to get his food. After fighting the language barrier in order to describe a "sandwich" this pathetic looking "sandwhich-type" thing finally arrived. I don't think I'd seen him that happy in weeks. The little monkeys in the trees above our table we're so cute and he was in such a good mood that he'd finally got his hands on a sandwich that he took off a very small piece for a monkey that was edging closer to our table. As he was holding the piece out the monkey quickly jumped on the table, ignored the proferred food and snatched the entire sandwich from his plate. I think he would have cried if he'd been alone. My laughing probably didn't help.

We never have taken another trip together. I blame the monkeys.

Posted by: Jiffyzen at October 24, 2009 6:38 PM

Oh, I've got a good one. I might have told this one on Pajiba before. It's not going to make you laugh, but it's the hardest I've ever laughed in my life.

A good friend of mine is a big movie fan. But he doesn't just like good movies; he seems to love bad movies even more. So, he was in town for a week, and we saw a few movies at the theater: Collateral, The Corporation, and completing the "C" motif was Catwoman. Yes, I paid money to see Catwoman at the theater. I didn't want to go, but he begged me, saying that I was the only one who would possibly be willing to go with him. So, I gave in.

It was three weeks or so into the movie's theatrical run, and it was about a 10 p.m. showing in the middle of the week. As you can probably imagine, the theater was next to empty. We sat in the front of the stadium seating section with our feet propped up on the railing. A few others came in, and my friend asked them how serious they were about a pristine theater experience. They weren't serious at all.

The two of us proceeded to MST3K the hell out of the movie from start to finish. I did feel bad, as a few others came in that we didn't talk to, but we tried to keep our volume down, and they didn't seem to mind our behavior. We had these running jokes (my two favorites involved Toonces The Cat and the fact that Sharon Stone's use of "Beauline" gave her a face like living marble) and just couldn't stop laughing at ourselves throughout as we went to them again and again. It was the absolute best time I've ever had at a movie theater.

Then, after the movie ended, as we walked back to the car, we found that we couldn't say a single word without laughing. Whenever we caught our breaths, five seconds of silence was all it took for us to start laughing again. We laughed the entire 20-minute drive home. I had tears streaming down my face and was lucky I didn't get into an auto accident.

I wish I had a recording of everything we said, because it is simply impossible to recreate. There's a good chance we were laughing much harder than our own jokes deserved, but once we got rolling it was infectious and hilarious.

And that, my friends, is why there is a DVD copy of Catwoman on my shelf. I tried watching it again once, and it just wasn't the same.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at October 24, 2009 6:39 PM

s. pisaster, your scooter tale rang a brain cell. In this damned pinko hippie liberal college town I live in, there used to be a huuuge football player who rode around on a little Barbie pink Vespa. Silliest fucking thing I've ever seen. Real men ride pink scooters, is that the saying?

Posted by: Edwina the Magnificent at October 24, 2009 6:46 PM

Another one...this is something that actually happened to me instead of me just witnessing it.

A group of friends and I were having a house party and we had just run out of beer. We were debating who was going to go when in walks Thomas with a case of beer. Yay, he saved the day, right? Well as soon as he walked in I say "Thomas, beer me!" Thinking that he would have to open one of the cases in order to get me one. What I failed to notice was the beer that he was holding in his hand. He threw the beer to me, I swear to god I was staring straight at him and could not comprehend or react in time. The beer hit me square in the middle of the face, the bridge of my nose. Everyone in the room immediately started cracking up, as did I as soon as I was over the pain. Ended up with a slight black eye, and the friends still tease me about it.

Posted by: ashes at October 24, 2009 7:19 PM

Did I ever tell my vacuum cleaner story?

We had a puppy, and we had a guinea pig. One day the puppy got into a 3-foot-high bag of cedar shavings we used for the guinea pig, and strewed them all over the living room floor, about two inches deep. I came home from work, and tried to clean it all up before meeting my then-boyfriend and his friends for dinner.

The vacuum cleaner got clogged with the shavings, so being in a rush, I tipped it upside down and tried to knock the shavings loose while it was still running. I succeeded, and as I was turning it back over to continue vacuuming, the rollers caught my waist-length hair and sucked it right up.

Next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor with a vacuum cleaner stuck to my head. It was an upright machine, and I just missed being able to reach the off switch. I thought, this is how I'm going to die, in a pile of cedar shavings, with a vacuum cleaner on my head.

Then my common sense kicked in, and I grabbed the cord and yanked it out of the wall. I proceeded to unwind my hair, I swept up the rest of the shavings, and went to dinner smelling of burnt hair and cedar.

Posted by: Wednesday at October 24, 2009 7:32 PM

Our school organized a game of kickball for us at this field nearby, and we went to play. The field was surrounded by a wire link fence and one of my friends decided to climb over it and jump down instead of walk, maybe 20 feet, around it to get the the field. He climbs, jumps, and makes it. Another one of my friends, a girl, decided to do the same. So she climbs, and sits on the fence, where she hesitates for awhile.

But then she jumps. Now I'm standing right next to her and I could tell, from the moment her ass left that fence, that she did not jump out far enough. And sure enough, she didn't. She was hanging off that fence by her shorts. And they were soooooo stretched out that you could see her entire underwear. She was hanging there for maybe two or three seconds before they ripped and she fell to the ground.

You cannot believe how hard it is to NOT laugh after something like that happens. She was still lying on the ground, with her ripped shorts covering her underwear. She was so embarrassed, and all I could think to say to make her feel better was, "Well ... at least you wore cute underwear today."

Posted by: exploranora at October 24, 2009 7:45 PM

Read only the last paragraphs of each response.

Posted by: Brian at October 24, 2009 7:46 PM

Jiffy, that story had me on the FLOOR!!! :D

BTW, I refuse to travel with those who have limited palates. To me, 90% of the travel experience is sampling local cuisine.

I went to Europe with a vegan this summer. He was loads of fun -- eating with him was a total drag.

***

Another funny story -- whilst hanging with a group of friends, the guys decided to have some sort of contest (that happens most of the time, actually). The would run towards an open door and try to jump-kick the top of the jamb.

As they were trying this, Dan (same guy from the story above) walked in. "What are you doing?" he asked, standing in the doorway. The guys explained the game.

"You mean kick the top like this?" he asked, standing under it and kicking straight up into the air. He's a big guy, but he's pretty flexible, and the sight of him doing a standing split to try and kick the top of a 6'8" doorjamb with his short Asian legs had us all dissolving into laughter.

After we all calmed down, he wanted to give it a real go. He backed up, measured the distance, took a deep breath, and ran towards the doorway.

Then he slipped on the weatherstrip and landed flat on his back before he even got off the ground. We all just about died.

Needless to say, the game was over.

Posted by: Jelinas at October 24, 2009 7:47 PM

First story:
My cousin and I (who don't see each other much, but when we do, BOY-HOWDY) were mini-golfing. Because of our tendency to do stupid shit, we decided to use the 18th hole as an impromptu driving range. My ball went safely into a nearby empty field; my cousin's ball somehow hit the edge of the giant clown face and ricocheted backwards, narrowly missing another mini-golfer's head. This, combined with the look on the other dude's face, made me laugh so hard I almost threw up.

Second story:
I'm a veterinarian, so I see some crazy things (and people) regularly. Most recently, though, was this. A woman came in to drop off her dog for surgery on his knee (he had blown his ACL). This woman is notorious for being high-maintenance and batshit crazy. Anyway, I happened to be at the reception desk, rooting around for a file, when she checked in and I overheard this conversation:
Crazy Woman: "I'm really very nervous for Sunshine."
Receptionist: "That's understandable, but our doctors perform this surgery pretty often and we'll take good care of him."
C.W.: "Well, what's the likelihood that his leg will fall off during surgery?" (note -- this could not physically happen.)
R.: (deadpan) "Oh, about 50/50."
Me: snort, scurry to the back, proceed to laugh until snot is running down my face
(the surgery went fine, btw)



Maybe you had to be there?

Posted by: Bequafina at October 24, 2009 8:10 PM

Also!

As I was typing that out, a ComEd (electricity company ... does that exist outside of Illinois?) came to my apartment to do some free upgrades to make it more energy efficient, blah blah whatever. Anyway, he passed by my computer, looked at the monitor, and said,
"Oh, man! Pajiba! That shit is the MAD notes!"

And then we high-fived. Hand to God.

Posted by: Bequafina at October 24, 2009 8:15 PM

I was supervising down in the propulsion plant on this carrier. We got these things called HPU's that use hydraulic pressure to help control the throttles. Sort of like power steering. I don't remember exactly how high the pressure but it was round 2000psi. Well one day on watch, one of them springs a leak, shooting out a thin stream of fluid clear all the way to the ceiling with such force that its ripping the plaint clear off. My upper level watch just freezes up so I yell "Hey Fuck Head!!! We're gonna lose this engine!!! Do ya thing your supposed to be doing something?" He was supposed to a quick five or six step emergency procedure. Instead, he brain farts and tries to stop the leak with his finger. A pin hole leak, at around 2000 psi...guess which won. In a split second, his his index, middle finger, and thumb, along with his hand and his arm about up to the elbow inflated to about four times its normal size and the dude passes out from the pain almost instantaneously. It was like something out of a fucking cartoon. We got him to medical, and this sounds really sick and wrong, but none of the watch team could stop laughing about. To this day, I don't get what the fuck he was thinking. Long story short, medical basically just slices his arm open about thirty times and pushes the oil out manually. He got flown off and they were able to save his arm but he had pretty bad nerve damage in spots.

Posted by: Diablo at October 24, 2009 8:31 PM

I was in seventh grade, on the shy side, considered one of the intelligent kids. Anyways i dropped my pencil on the floor and when i reached down to pick it up the loudest most hellacious fart erupted from my ass. I mean it felt like it literally tore the lining of my anus. Of course one of the hot girls sat right behind me. I was the laughing stock for the remainder of the day, I mean even the damn teacher was rolling. I ended up eventually having relations with the said hot girl behind me while in high school and she still remembered that. Life in a small town.

Posted by: Continental Almonds at October 24, 2009 8:33 PM

My friend Ben got understandably loaded on his 21st birthday, surrounded by 50 or so of our drunken fool friends in his crappy college apartment. The night was full of shenanigans and Irish Car Bombs. Around 3 AM, things start to wind down and people start congratulating Ben and leaving. Our friend John goes up to Ben, says "Happy Birthday, Bro" and offers him a hand to shake. As Ben stumbles his way,

BAM!

John sucker-punches him right in the face and sends him to the floor.

All of us, of course, are dying of laughter and Ben is beyond confused. John, through his laughter, goes up to him and offers him a hand, saying "Hey, I'm just kidding, man, here, let me help you up." Ben takes his left hand and gets about halfway up when


POW!

John sucker-punches him again and runs away laughing.

Being awful, awful people, we laugh for about ten minutes, then help Ben cleanup and put him to bed.

Next day, I come over to help my friends cleanup the place after the shenanigans, and Ben stumbles out of his room around 3 PM, asking, "Guys, anybody know why my face hurts?"

The moral of the story? Don't get so drunk on your birthday that you can't remember taking two right hooks to the jaw.

Also, you should probably not surround yourselves with so many assholes.

Posted by: Tammy at October 24, 2009 8:53 PM

I'm coordinationally challenged. I think it has something to do with my eyesight being god-awful from age seven on, and my depth perception, night vision, and hand-eye coordination all suffer as a result. I've tried so many times to learn to drive a stick shift you just cannot even imagine, but the act of getting my hand, foot and eyes to all act in concert is less feasible than a hasty solution to the conflict in Gaza, so one by one everyone has given up hope.

But not my husband. Not because he loved me, or wanted to help me, or even because he wanted us to own a stick shift vehicle--no. He wanted to teach me how to drive a standard because he has an unblemished track record of teaching people how to drive a stick, and he wasn't about to let me mar his reputation.

So about five years ago, he and most of everyone else at Nextel lost their jobs in the merger with Sprint. He was doing contract labor up and down the Eastern Seaboard to make ends meet, and needed a grungy old work truck he could work his Telco magic out of. He settled on OJ's white bronco. I shit you not, there were even blood stains permanently coating the cracked vinyl interior, and a stick shift with an eight ball on top that wasn't securely attached.

I was unaware of that fact.

So one weekend when he was home, the Mister takes me out to a back road to teach me to drive this monstrosity, thinking there would be less traffic, but not taking into account that the depth and breadth of OJ's bronco would take up both lanes of the road. Then, as I'm creeping down the road, desperately trying to keep the bronco in between any two available lines, he has me shift into second without informing me of the dodgy eight ball which, of course, comes off in my hand.

I don't know what occurred in my mind right then, but I knew that the bronco, no matter how rusty and bloody it might be, was the only thing that bridged the gap between us and groceries. And when that eight ball came off in my hand, I stared at it like it was an oracle foretelling bankruptcy, poverty and ruin,writ large in glowing letters where the hole should've been, that said, "You're screwed." Because I was absolutely dead sure that I had just destroyed the transmission.

And I screamed. People, that scream came from the depths of my impoverished soul. I screamed so loud and so long my husband jumped like the soul of Nicole Brown Simpson had just rushed out of the glove box.

And then I realized that by staring at the eight ball, I was no longer looking at the road that I narrowly fit into. So I hurled the eight ball into the back of the bronco, grabbed that steering wheel like I was lifting off to the moon and screamed again.

After the initial shock, my husband was laughing so hard I thought he was going to wet himself.

On the plus side, he's finally given up trying to get me to drive a stick.

Posted by: Sally at October 24, 2009 8:56 PM

When I was about 13 or 14 years old, my youth pastor was driving several of us home from a get together. That night it was very cold and had started to sleet, which of course coated everything in a thin sheet of ice. That's important, I promise.

We stopped at the first house, which happened to belong to a younger member of our group, and she got really excited about showing us her new puppy. We were all sitting in the car, waiting for her to come back with the dog, when she came running out of the house with the Lab puppy in her arms. I don't know if she forgot that the ground was slippery, or if she was just too excited about showing us the dog to care, but she wasn't being careful. As soon as she got to my open window, her feet shot out from under her. Literally, it was as if she was there one second and gone the next. The only thing I saw was that dog flying through the air going "YIPE!" We found out she and the dog were OK, and we laughed the whole way home. Once we got home, we laughed for about an hour afterward. We laughed so much that I pulled a muscle in my stomach. It was totally worth it.

I shit you not, I still can't tell people about that dog flying through the air without laughing so hard I cry.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at October 24, 2009 9:21 PM

This is the story I wish I had been there to see.

When my gf was 17, she and her friend decided they wanted to go the casinos on the Mississippi Gulf (about 30 minutes away). Obviously, they weren't old enough.

But the friend is oddly gifted with makeup, especially special-effects makeup.
So they do "old lady" makeup, buy wigs. They buy old sagging dresses. They wear tank tops and biker shorts under the dresses, and those are filled out with pillow stuffing.

They test it out at the favorite local donut/coffee shop, and no one recognizes them. Deciding their costumes are a success, they head to the casinos.

And they get in! And they're playing slots. For almost an hour. And finally security comes up to them and hauls them off to the little security room. And as they're being taken away, they're crying out in their little old lady voices, "Oww, that hurts, sonny! Why you are picking on me?" The try to keep it up, and when the main security guy asks to see an ID, they dump out these giant purses full of tissues, pill bottles, and old candy (they were thorough). And finally they give up and say, "Ok, fine. You caught us." Thankfully, amazingly, security just tells them to go home.

And here's the part I wish I could have seen. Apparently, wearing pillow stuffing in South Mississippi in the summer is really, REALLY hot. So as they're walking out the door and into the parking lot, they both lift their dresses up and start pulling this fluffy material out. The people walking in to the casino didn't know what to think.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at October 24, 2009 9:43 PM

This might only be funny to me . . .
Okay, my mother has this condition, we call it Connie-time. You know how some cats, at a certain hour of night, just kind of lose their shit and run around for no apparent reason and meow at the walls? My mom just gets weird at night. It used to be late at night, but as she's gotten older, she starts earlier.
What makes Connie-time? She laughs, laughs at everything and if you look at her like, "Why the fuck are you laughing?" she'll laugh harder until she starts to snot and cry everywhere and then scream, "Don't look at me!!"
Naturally, I can't let this go by without messing with her.
So, one night, my gf and I are at my parents' house and it's Connie-time. I've worked her into an emotional tizzy, and she's now demanding that we go home. To the point that she runs into a bedroom and closes the door. Sure thing, we'll leave. I grab my gf and we walk loudly to the front door, open it, slam it shut. And then tiptoe to the bedroom door and wait.
After a few minutes my mother opens the door, sees us, and screams, "AHHHH!! AHHH!! FUCK!!!" and slams the door again.
We died laughing, totally worth the fact that she didn't speak to me for a day.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at October 24, 2009 9:59 PM

I bought a halter and leash for my cat, Pookie, because at the time we were living in a small town just outside the city, and I thought it would be nice to take him for walks once in awhile.

So I manage to fight him into the halter, after much squirming and carrying on. (The cat wasn't much better.) He finally realizes it's ON and that I'm done fighting with him.

He stands up, looks as though he's about to walk away, and promptly throws himself on the floor. I thought, ok, he's having a kitty temper tantrum. How cute. So I picked him up again and set him down on all fours. He took about 5 steps and threw himself on the floor again. I'm thinking what the hell? So I figure, well, I'll just let him have his little fit while I make a phone call, maybe when I'm done he'll be ready to go.

I'm sitting around the corner talking on the phone in the living room when I hear "thunk". "Thunk".... "THUNK" ..."thunk". I'm wondering what is going on, so I get up and peek around the corner into the kitchen.

Pookie is skittering around the kitchen, thudding into cabinets and walls. He takes a few steps, slams himself into something, gets up, runs full tilt, whacks into something else, bounces off, bangs his head on another wall... stands up, looks as though he's finally gotten it out of his system... takes 3 steps and literally launches himself into the side of a cabinet.

The person I was on the phone with thought I had lost my mind I was laughing so hard.

To this day, I don't know if Pookie was having a temper tantrum, or if the halter did something to knock his balance out of whack, or if it was a combination of both.


I still laugh just thinking about it.

Posted by: neurotica at October 24, 2009 10:33 PM

8 words. "I'm so embarrassed! This never happens, I swear!"

Man, I laugh about it to this day...

Posted by: Shay at October 24, 2009 10:36 PM

Myysharona. 30 minutes from the Mississippi Gulf Coast? Are you from Wiggins?

Posted by: Raye Raye at October 24, 2009 10:41 PM

My brother was once full-on attacked by a petting zoo deer. No joke. The deer pummeled his back with his tiny hooves for like two minutes before the trainers came and stopped the deer. My sisters and I laughed until our sides hurt.

Posted by: Raye Raye at October 24, 2009 10:45 PM

Who cares!!! My boyfriend also agrees with me. He is 10 years older than me, lol. We met online at age-gap club -- http://AgelessOnly.COM/. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.

Posted by: Loanna at October 24, 2009 10:47 PM

Jesus Christ, myysharona, you win the world. For some reason that story just tickles me pink. Sadly, I don't have a story but like a lot of people, my SO does.
He grew up in Latin America and when he was about 3 or 4 he took his first plane ride, to America. You have to see pictures of him to know how adorable this is, but he had big black eyes and ridiculous cheeks. When they were sitting on the ground, if the plane moved even a little bit he would throw his little baby hands in the air and scream "Up up we go!" He did it three or four times before others started joining in. It was a small plane so basically this whole planefull of adults were throwing their hands up and yelling "up, up we go!". His mothers swears to this day that during takeoff the stewardess got on the intercom and said "Up, up we go! Please review the safety information in the seat pocket in front of you."

Posted by: VentureSister at October 24, 2009 10:54 PM

Oh, god, I forgot about this one. Again, it didn't happen to me, but it's family legend. My uncle was at a zoo in California and he was looking at the tapirs. The thing is about 20 feet away, maybe more. My uncle is pissed to even be here in the zoo, but he's doing it for the kids. I don't think he had ever see a tapir because my aunt says that as soon as he saw it he went "Jesus, what the fuck is that thing?" One beat later, the tapir lets rip a stream of urine that shoots 20 feet. Right onto my uncle. I don't know if you've ever seen a tapir piss, but those things are like fucking water cannons. So, poor guy is standing there, no change of clothes, having jut been pissed on by the ugliest thing he's ever seen. My aunt says she herniated something that day.

Posted by: VentureSister at October 24, 2009 11:01 PM

When I was in third grade my best friend was friends with the son of a professinal wrestler. He wasn't my friend because he was kind of a jerk and always lording over us the cool stuff he had. Son of wrestler also wore braces and that year he finally got them off. As a present his dad bought him a motorcycle. Looked like a monster hog to us but we were kids what did we know. Anyway, first time riding the bike he goes up the street and on the way back a car backs out of a driveway right in front of him. He slams into the car, goes flying ass over tea kettle over the hood, lands on his face and gets all his front teeth knocked out.

Posted by: EricD at October 24, 2009 11:11 PM

I was walking back to my dorm with a group of friends after a late night at a nearby 24-hour McDonald's. We were walking along a narrow path lined by short, thorny shrubbery. I was on the far edge, and someone joked, "Don't fall into the bushes!" I immediately tripped and face planted into the bushes. The marks were on my face and arms for weeks. No one could keep a straight face when looking at me for weeks. Long, sharp fucking thorns, man.

Posted by: Diana at October 24, 2009 11:18 PM

This one was intentional comedy, but still: My senior year my high school did "Don't Drink the Water," as one of our plays. My friend Brian was playing the character of a priest who did magic tricks (usually unsuccessfully)as a hobby. There was one scene where he can't get himself out of a straitjacket, and he ends up falling on the floor and being unable to get up. There was some reason why he didn't want one of the other characters who comes in midway through the scene to see him, so Brian would worm his way desperately around the stage on his belly trying to get away. I stage managed that play, so I saw him do this every night for weeks and it never failed to leave me in tears.
And speaking of straitjackets...I think I've told this one before, but one night in undergrad my roommate and I were disturbed by a loud thumping on our door. We went to check it out, and it was our neighbor from down the hall, drunk off her ass, wearing a straitjacket, and trying to knock on our door with her head (because obviously she couldn't do it with her hands).

Posted by: s. pisaster at October 24, 2009 11:31 PM

I'm waiting for a flight in the Houston airport and over the loudspeaker I hear this: "Attention: if you left your ukelele in the men's bathroom near Gate B20, please come retrieve it." Don't know why I remember that, but it really cracked me up at the time....

Posted by: jwes at October 24, 2009 11:35 PM

Oh hey, I know why I've been having trouble thinking of these things. Because usually I'm the one who did something stupid everyone else laughs at. Case in point:
High school, around 10 at night my friends and I are playing night tag. We're in teams of two and everybody's against everybody. Whoever spots the other person first and yells "spot" has tagging rights. So my partner Chris and I turn a corner and Russ Campbell pops up and yells "spot." I turned around and ran away, but somehow I managed to run into Chris, careen off of him and end up running head-first into a neighbor's mail box. The force of the impact knocked me on the ground and the mail box off its post and halfway across the road.
example two: High school again, I was bowling with a group, and I'm an extremely..um...erratic bowler. I could not hit a pin for the life of me that night. By the last turn, my score was 3. 3! So I go up for my last roll, expecting another gutter ball, and somehow...I bowl a fucking strike. It was one of those bowling alleys where the scores are displayed on tv screens above the lanes, so everybody could see how terribly I'd been doing up until that point. The whole bowling alley full of people cheered for me.

Posted by: s. pisaster at October 24, 2009 11:54 PM

Raye
No, we grew up in Slidell, LA.

Another story I wish I could have been there for:
My gf's brother was jogging around his college campus. He rounds a corner and there is a very large, irate goose. He tries to run around it, but the goose charges him and bites down directly on his nuts. So there he is flailing around with a goose attached to his nethers and the only way he could get it off was by punching the goose in the head. Someone saw him punching the goose (but not the reason why) and reported him to campus security. Where he had to explain, in detail, and many times, why he punched a bird.
To hear this story in person, complete with physical antics, puts me on the floor every time.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at October 25, 2009 12:02 AM

neurotica, cats in harnesses are absolute comedy gold. I got some for my cats when they were young because I lived in the middle of a bunch of busy streets regularly driven by assholes. Just the thought of walking two cats around on leashes still makes me giggle to tears. Not that I ever actually got to try it out, since the little shits never got beyond the falling-over-rolling-squealing stage.

Loanna, my dearest bed warmer is 25 years my senior. Your pitiful attempts at old man attraction are fail! Peddle your robot wares elsewhere.

Aaah....who else is drunk here?

Posted by: Edwina the Magnificent at October 25, 2009 12:05 AM

"Aaah....who else is drunk here?"

I am! Or at least I was. Man I wish I had a story to share here. Probably do, but can't remember right now.

Posted by: NF at October 25, 2009 12:48 AM

Delurking for this diversion. My friends and I were on our way to see a movie one night and pull up to a red light. There was van in the lane next to us and I look over and notice the driver is wearing a striped shirt (at this point we can only see his arm because the van was higher and we were stopped a bit behind him). I say, "Hey, that dude kinda looks like a clown". My bf inched up the car and the five of us turn to look inside just as the driver of the van turns and looks at us...and it was a fucking clown! Face paint, red nose, bozo hair--the works. It was probably the scariest/funniest moment of my life.

Posted by: Alex at October 25, 2009 1:09 AM

I was on the phone at work one day arguing with the cable company. I was totally irate by the time I got off the phone. My friend Becca, a lesbian, who sat in the cubicle next to me asked me why I was so pissed. I told her I had been arguing with the cable company and she says "Oh my God I hate Cox!" Dead silence for about two seconds and then we all just cracked up. I was sitting on the floor laughing so hard I was crying.

Posted by: lilredtrixie at October 25, 2009 1:10 AM

I can't really remember a lot of the really slapstick moments of humor in my life, but in high school, during the presidential election, the big campaigner for Sarah Palin '08 was a kid named Josh. The catch? The kid is the gayest kid I've ever met, he makes Clay Aiken look like Michael Caine, yet he never fesses up, and continuously tries to pass himself off as straight.

The ridiculousness of that situation is something I'll never forget.

Posted by: George at October 25, 2009 1:12 AM

Well, you could practically write a whole book about what happened to me. Bunny Bixler and I were in the semi-finals, the very semifinals, mind you, of the ping-pong tournament at the club and this ghastly thing happened. We were both playing way over our heads and the score was 29-28 and we had this really terrific volley and I stepped back to get this really terrific shot and I stepped on the ping-pong ball. Well, I just squashed it to bits. Then Bunny and I ran to the closet of the game room to get another ping-pong ball and the closet was locked. Imagine? We had to call the whole thing off. It was ghastly, it was just ghastly.

Posted by: Gloria Upson at October 25, 2009 1:47 AM

Whoever is posing as Gloria Upson, I FREAKING LOVE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!!

Favorite movie, ever. Please, mad genius, tell me who you are so that I may worship at your feet.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at October 25, 2009 2:55 AM

Got a bunch:

-The time my younger sister (I was about 11 at the time, she was 8) waltzed by the open front door of our house nude and waved gaily and smiled "Hello!" to trick or treaters that were getting candy for Halloween.

-My cousin Andrew was 5 when he kneeled on the wooden pew at my grandfather's Catholic funeral. The whole pew (no cushion or rug) flipped over and started a domino effect of pews crashing to the floor. All the relatives were crying and laughing at the same time.

-When I had the lead in a college play, did amazing, and when to take my solo bow at the end, and got cocky running onto the stage and my leg went through a riser. The audio catches an AV tech whispering "Jesus!" the second I go down.

-My uncle (when he was a teenager) trying to be cool at his older sister's outdoor birthday party, and waltzes past a bunch of girls, slips and falls directly into the septic tank. Firefighters had to come and get him out.

-Me playing kickball in fifth grade, kicking a line drive, and nailing my crush right in the nuts.

-My older cousins grabbing me and putting me in the trunk of the car, then doing donuts in the local parking lot and going over speed bumps. Every time I screamed and swore I could hear them laughing.

-My cousin Tim somehow managing when he was a toddler to get his bare foot caught in a metal grocery cart at the supermarket and the police having to blowtorch him out.

-My cousin Chris shaking a ketchup bottle so hard in a diner that he sprays people two tables away.

-My former hard partying cousin Liz, getting drunk at her best friend's birthday in college, they drunkenly have words, and Liz slams the cake into her friend's face.

-This is my dad's favorite: When he was a kid he was an altar boy at church. He was behind a partition with another altar boy and they were eating popcorn before services. A large windfan was on (it was summer) and they thought it would be funny to throw pieces of popcorn in front of the fan to make it blow around. They throw more and more (by now it's handfuls) until suddenly a priest angrily confronts them. The popcorn was being sucked into the fan, lifted over the partition, and being snowed onto a funeral mass.

Posted by: scorzi at October 25, 2009 3:19 AM

One of my friends reminded me of this last week. We were all in Scotland for a wedding and there were about 200 guests. I was one of the only guests who didn't wear a kilt (partially because I didn't know my fellow Americans were going to do so, partially because it would have cost 85 pounds to rent one on short notice and I already had spent a lot on the trip).

Anyhoo, they decide to pass out booze before the wedding and I'm downing free champagne. I can drink a bottle of vodka, but two glasses of champagne and I'm on my ass. I had like 11. The ceremony goes off without a hitch, but then they decide to take a picture of everyone at the wedding. We're all lining up and it takes like 10 minutes to set up the shot. The photographer goes 1.....2....

and then, at the top of my lungs, I yell "FREEDOM!!!!!!" and the Americans lose their shit. There are about 25 of us and we're howling. The Scots were pissed to the highest of pisstivity. I'm laughing and coughing and it took us a good 10 minutes to calm down enough to take the shot.

Afterwards it was brought to my attention that most of the William Wallace stuff was kind of BS and Scots are sensitive about it. However, being so drunk, I'm sure I'd have done it anyway.

Posted by: Rubble44 at October 25, 2009 3:34 AM

As we were sitting on the porch talking, one of my roommates came riding on his bike. Another one of my friends says "Hey, I like you light flasher." Just as he says it, my roommate falls down on his bike. Rolling on the floor.

Posted by: commanderfunky at October 25, 2009 4:45 AM

One day when my son was 7 or so I was gardening in the front yard and he walked up to me and said in that child's urgent voice you never ignore, "Mom you have to come in the house with me right now!"He wasn't crying, but it was apparent there was something very, very wrong.We go into the bathroom and before pulling his shorts down, he says in a trembley voice "I put a caterpillar down my pants."Sure enough, there are the black hairs (which are in fact, glass like tubes of venom)of one of those big fuzzy black caterpillars stuck all over his wee parts, which were already a disturbing red color and swelling quite spectacularly.I stuck him in the tub and tried rinsing them off, then tried swabbing them off with a washcloth (which made matters much worse) and put him on the couch with an ice pack while I did some research about caterpillars and venom.We lived in the middle of the forest (quite literally) and after calling the local er, decided they knew less than I did about what to do in this completely unheard of situation.And I'm sure there was a lot of giggling and suspicion of it being a crank call.My son spent the next 12 hours with ice on his crotch,which swelled up and turned the most amazing purple color ever.The next day, he toddled, well, actually waddled in this funny bowlegged way, off to school (at his insistence) and proceeded to proudly relate the whole tale to all his friends and teachers.
To this day, I'm not sure if he is sterile or not, but I still laugh myself silly when I think about it. Never Put a Caterpillar Down Your Pants.I want to write a children's book with that title.

Posted by: brite at October 25, 2009 5:33 AM

So, my first post. Exciting isn't it?

I'm torn between two stories.. I'll appreciate your help in deciding the tie-breaker.

First story takes us back to my college days, that's high school for those state-side. Say.. 13-14. It may help to pretend you're about that age to get the full funnies.
We had a marvelous class broadly named "life skills". I'm sure you all have an equivalent. This class is compulsory for a certain age bracket, and it dealt largely with sex and drugs, and how to do both properly.. The class clowns couldn't ask for better fodder.

Sex-ed Q&A time. We had all the desks pushed to the walls, and the chairs in a horseshoe arrangement, so everyone could see everyone getting embarrassed at once. The teacher (luckily a seasoned vet) was taking any and all questions about how to go bump in the night. Class Clown No.1, 'Vinnie', was that kid that for some reason knows -everything-, not just the basics, I mean stuff your grandparents haven't heard of. But I digress. He saved the big stuff for another day..

This time was much simpler, a kid who either was truly sheltered, or was lamely trying to get a rise out of the class, piped up with "Teach, what's masturbating?"
Giggles ensue.. nothing major.
"Well, that's when you..." -But teach was then interrupted by a very enthusiastic Vinnie.
"-LIKE THIS" And we all turn to see Vinnie making HUGELY exaggerated wanking motions. Giggles ensue.
Soon after, the giggles stop, yet he's still going. His chair is wobbling from the theatrics. Dead silence now, and he just keeps picking up the pace. He's making noises that fill the room. Everyone including the teacher is totally stunned. The front of his chair is even beginning to lift off the ground. Then... the magic happens: his chair is at the perfect balancing point between forward and backward, that point you spent hours of bored math classes trying to get to. A look creeps across his face that shows he knows he has one last chance to stop and regain his balance, and rejoin the horseshoe. Instead, oh instead, he feigns a violent, horrifying orgasm and the chair topples backward, sprawling him on the floor, and narrowly missing smashing his head into a nearby desk.
An eternity of completely shocked silence, and then people.absolutely.lose.their.shit.

It took a long time for order to return to that classroom.

Posted by: The Only New Zealander at October 25, 2009 5:35 AM

That turned out longer than I wanted..
Second story will have to come after I have shut down a few of the cinemas.

Posted by: The Only New Zealander at October 25, 2009 5:38 AM

I lied, I've now shut down the cinemas. I'm going to get drunk instead.

HAR.

Posted by: The Only New Zealander at October 25, 2009 6:14 AM

My sister used to sleepwalk when we were younger. We shared a room until I was about 10, and I can think of some pretty funny sleepwalking stories, but this is my favorite.

One summer my Moms friend Joanne came to visit and stayed at our house. We didn't have a spare room, so my sister was moved into my brothers room, and I shared the room with Joanne. It was a small bedroom, so there was only about a foot of space between the 2 twin beds.

In the middle of the night, Shannon got up for a late night stroll. Since her regular sleepwalking pattern was to return to her own room, that is what she did. When she encountered Joanne sleeping in her bed she pushed her out of it. Joanne was a larger woman, and I'm not quite sure how she managed it, but at 8 years old, while sleepwalking, she shoved Joanne into the 1 foot space between the beds. Shannon and I both woke up to Joanne screaming and thrashing, trying to dislodge herself.

Posted by: Colliwog at October 25, 2009 7:49 AM

Back in college my roommate was dating this wanker of a dude. So it as her birthday and we had a blow out party, but wanker of a boy friend isn't there. He finally shows up at 11:30, totally pissed. He was so drunk I was amazed he could stand. My flatmate is so mad that she refused to talk to him. After about 15 minutes she calms down, but her boyfriend is no where to be found, so she proceeds to do a shit ton of shots.
So the next day we are cleaning the flat when wanker of a boyfriend comes over. He is wearing the same cloths as the day before, and my flatmate goes off. She assumes he hocked up with someone else. So she is shouting all sorts of shit demanding to know where he was, but she is talking so fast he can't get a word in.
Finally she pauses to catch her breath, and he blurts "Jail, I was in jail!" My flatmate just stares at him like a poleaxed ox. At this point I burst out laughing. All the bitching I had to listen to from my flatmate, the shit storm she unleashed on her boyfriend, and then that look. It was priceless.
The best part of the story, turns out boyfriend felt so bad about being drunk that he went for a walk to sober up, but he was so pissed that he couldn't even walk strait. The cops stop him, and even though he isn't driving or anything, they decide he is to drunk to be safe, so they throw him in the drunk tank. The reason he was wearing the same cloths is cause he had come strait from jail to apologize. Boy did my flatmate feel stupid, and that just made me laugh the harder.

Posted by: Morgan Lefai at October 25, 2009 8:25 AM

The whole eating while abroad thing reminded me of one time when we were on a port call to Hong Kong.

I was heading back to the ship and had a bad case of the munchies, so I grabbed a hot dog at the pier while waiting for my launch.

I love mustard on my dogs, so I put on a good dose.

As I had the dog to my mouth, and just about to take a huge bite, the little voice in the back of my head is screaming, "This is CHINA, asshole!"

China = HOT mustard!

Let me tell you, a mouthful of hot mustard certainly clears out the sinuses in a hurry!

Posted by: UncleJR at October 25, 2009 9:20 AM

This picture.

I swear, it never gets old for me.

Other than that, my mom sent me a plushy Ren & plushy Stimpy for Christmas in what I'd guess was 1993 (I don't know if it's my life long metal fandom or just me, but I lose details at my age). The face that Ren had and the whoopee cusion in his belly so he'd fart when you squeezed him had me busting a gut for half an hour, solid.

I've probably seen funnier stuff, but I explained about the metal fandom, right? Is it possible to be a headbanger twenty-some-odd years long and not suffer neurologically?

Posted by: Baldo at October 25, 2009 9:54 AM

Waving at trick-or-treaters reminds of what happened a couple of years ago.

My neighborhood is very diverse. If we have less than 15 different nationalities living here, I'd be very surprised. It makes Halloween interesting. Eating international candy can be quite a leap of faith.

So I was taking my daughter and her friends around, and we stop at a house and the kids walk up. Three other kids open the door, while my group shouts, "Trick or Treat!"

The kids in the house confer quietly and seriously in Spanish, then the oldest turns to my group, and very politely says, "No thank you. We don't want any." and closes the door.

You never saw such puzzled kids in your life as my group. I mean, it really shook up their whole world-view.

I've been tempted to use it myself when the older,un-costumed kids makes the rounds on Halloween.

Posted by: Wednesday at October 25, 2009 11:02 AM

During the holiday season about 10 years ago, I'm at a bar that has karaoke when "Vinny," an acquaitance from high school, takes the stage. I call him Vinny cuz he's a very stereotpyical 20-something Italian-American goomba, NJ accent included. (Think Christopher from Soporanos. In other words, not the kind of guy you'd expect to see doing karaoke. He precedes to honor the crowd of probably 200 (it's a big bar) with an unironic, lustily enthusiatic rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." He really tried to knock that baby out of the park, despite myself and a friend sitting 10 feet away and laughing ourselves breathless. to this day my friend and I will still bust out w/ "Rooty toot toots, and rummy tum tums" in our best CHristopher-from-Sopranos accents.

Posted by: stryker1121 at October 25, 2009 11:45 AM

In high school, there was a kid who sat next to me in American Government named Michael Zang. He was the kid who, despite being only of average intelligence, thought he was fucking brilliant. He parted his hair like he needed a combover, he always tried to compare grades with me, and when I turned him down for a date, he told everyone I was a lesbian.
Anyway, he ran (unopposed) for class treasurer, and when they announced the results, he naturally won. At the time of the announcement, however, he was leaning back in his chair so that it was on 2 legs. Thus, when he threw his hands up and screamed "YES!" he tipped over backward, taking his desk with him. He fell onto an empty desk, which collapsed, along with its chair. So he was lying, dazed, in a pile of desks and chairs, and the rest of us (including the teacher), were on the ground laughing.

Posted by: esme at October 25, 2009 12:20 PM

When I was 11 and my brother and sister were 8 (twins) we were in my moms room playing video games. My brother was on my mom's bed and found a lighter (my mom is an avid smoker). So my brother starts licking the lighter on and off UNDER THE COVERS on my moms bed. And then...whoosh! The blanket catches fire and I and my brother freak. My sister was like 'Whatever, I'm playing Duck Hunt.' Brother puts it out with a pillow, hides the giant burn hole with said pillow and says nothing to my mom. Later that day, she found it and my brother told her that 'I just snapped my fingers and it caught on fire!' My mom couldn't even say anything to that and my sister and I started laughing. It was just so funny. And now, at every Thanksgiving my sister and I tell that story while laughing hysterically and my mom gets PISSED. Good times.

Posted by: TWoP Fan at October 25, 2009 1:55 PM

My friends have a two-year-old son, Jack. He's one of those fabulously fun toddlers, and far too clever for his own good, and for everyone around him. This summer, on a visit, his dad P told me he'd taught Jack a new trick.

"Hey Jack, what do zombies do?" And Jack, bless his cotton socks, stretched his arms straight out and walked off on stiff legs, staring out into nothing, all while growling "Baaaaiinnnsss!". I laughed so hard I almost soiled myself.

Posted by: Soda at October 25, 2009 3:22 PM

I watched an obese rat terrier fall off a treadmill over and over and over. I think it was because her gut kept hitting the tread. This was one fat dog and I was glad to see the owner appreciated mocking the poor thing as much as I, the lowly dog walker, did.

Posted by: Robert at October 25, 2009 3:34 PM

So me and my two best friends went to Ireland for a week, and in order to get back to the airport for our flight home we had to catch like, two buses and a train. We're waiting in line for customs, and while it's only like 8 am, WE'VE been awake since 4:30 am. I'm still drunk from the night before, not to mention me and my friend caught a cold from walking around in the rain in Ireland all week.

So my sick friend decides she's hungry and grabs a BLT sandwich and we're standing there while she eats it and she takes a huge bite out of the sandwich and suddenly just gets this look of total, absolute panic on her face.

Then she sneezes. The contents of her mouth explode out. We promptly bust out laughing, because when you're drunk and have been taking cold medicine, that's like the funniest thing on the planet. When we finally calm down enough that I can breathe again, I manage to deliver the kicker: "A piece of bacon hit me in the chin!"

And then we were off again. My other (not sick) friend was completely disgusted and literally turned away from us in line and pretended not to know us, which made it about a million times funnier than it had been before.

So the hardest I've ever laughed at anything in my life is the time my best friend sneezed bacon on my face.

Posted by: Burgher at October 25, 2009 3:54 PM

Okay, zombie toddler wins for life. Thank you, Soda!

Posted by: Lauren at October 25, 2009 6:03 PM

Agent Scully's Impossible Sit-up is priceless. My redneck prankster brother pulled that one on every person he could all through high school. Luckily for me, I'd heard about it when he tried to get me with it.

So my story:

When I was about 10 years old, my uncle was only 16 or so. He had a number of BB guns, as me and my brother did, and would tell us to run and try to shoot us with them when we were at my grandma's house. I remember he never pumped up the guns too much because he was afraid of legitimately injuring us. One time, as me and my brother were screaming and running hells bells balls to the wall, sure that we were going to die, he shot my brother in the lower back from about 20 yards away. My brother, about 8 years old, proceeded to go crazy and cry his eyes out, telling my uncle that he was going to tell my grandma and my mom. My uncle, in an attempt to save his ass from BB gun confiscation, told my brother that he could shoot him where ever he wanted, with the gun pumped up 5 times. He stipulated that he had to be allowed time to get a short distance away. My uncle handed my brother the gun, pumped up and ready, and turned to walk. My brother was no stranger to BB guns, and suddenly appeared better, with no tears and was laughing rather maniacally. He pumped the gun about 4 times as my uncle was walking, and proceeded to shoot my uncle in the ass from about 15 feet. My uncle fell on the ground, swearing at both of us, as he realized that the BB had broken clothing and skin. My brother, undeterred, chambered another BB and pumped the gun a few times before shooting him again. This all happened while I damn near pissed myself laughing. The tables had turned, the bully had become the bullied.

I also recall that this incident was the last time my uncle pulled out the BB gun and told us to run away or get shot.

Posted by: krza at October 25, 2009 6:19 PM

I was on a trip to Vegas this April (which a friend and I shouted ourselves to after a solid win on the GGs) from Melbourne, which is a decent trip.

We are in the second last row and there is a very nervous mother in the back row, asking our fairly effeminate hostie, 'is the back a safe part of the plane'?

The hostie merely cocks an eyebrow, before very drolly announcing to the rear third of the aircraft, 'planes don't reverse into mountains, honey'.

Great start to a ridiculously funny trip; this woman was so pissed.

Posted by: Peter G at October 25, 2009 7:21 PM

My eight month old daughter had woken up particularly early for her morning breastfeed, so I took her to bed with me and zoned out with the TV on while she feed. My husband was totally asleep next to me when he rolled over and let out a huge fart. My daughter looked at up me and then starting laughing hysterically. I knew even then it would be the funniest memory I would have of my daughter.

Posted by: ZoBla at October 25, 2009 7:59 PM

I have two stories and they both involve my husband and heavy drinking. Both also occurred within the 1st six months of our marriage, so I should have known what I was in for.

1st story: One Saturday night, we had a girls night out/guys night out. All of the husbands/boyfriends went to a bar to watch football while us girls went to a mexican restaurant for food and margaritas. Now margaritas usually do a number on me, so I controlled myself and only had one. After the dinner, the plan was to meet up with the guys at the bar. Oh my. Apparently in the 2 hours we were gone, the boys went after the beer. They were ridiculously drunk. At the end of the night, I finally convince my husband to leave althought he was insistent on stuffing a 6 pack of beer in his pockets before we left. He stumbled out into the parking lot and promptly urinated on the car next to us (in full view of everyone at the bar). But the beauty of this story is what happens when we got home. Because he was such a mess when we got to the bar, I stopped drinking so that I could drive home. We get into the house, he toddles off into the bathroom and I pop open a much deserved beer. Suddenly, the bathroom door flings open and my husband lurches out butt-naked, looks me straight in the eyes (or as best as he can) and says "I'm going to hump you like you have never been humped before". The more I laughed, the more he said it. I sent him off to bed with promises of meeting him up there "in a minute".

2nd story: Again, my husband and I lived in the same apartment complex as our best friends at the beginning of our marriage. I used to work in retail and had to be up early sometimes on the weekend to go to work. I left a night of hanging out and drinking, so I could get some sleep. The next morning, my husband and my lab (he had taken his dog with us) had not made it home yet.. so I assumed he crashed on our friends' couch. About 8 AM, I hear the back door open and our lab comes in. The door closes, but no husband. Concerned, I walk out on our back patio. First let me explain that we lived in a townhouse with a tiny back patio and that our apartment was the party house. So we had mounds of trash and beer boxes on the pation (waiting on trash day). So, I open the back door and find my husband passed out in bags of trash. When I finally got him to answer, I asked what time he got home (thinking he had just walked back to our apartment - again it was 8AM). I get this feeble reply of - "midnight". He had slept on bags of trash with his poor dog for 8 hours, within arms reach of the back door. He just couldn't make himself come in, he had gone as far as he could.

Both are favorite stories of all of our friends...

Posted by: legib at October 25, 2009 8:08 PM

Once my boyfriend asked me, "Why do you need a credit card to work in another country?" I've never laughed harder.

For the funniest thing I've ever seen, I was at McDonald's with a guy friend. We were walking to a booth when the large Coke on his tray tipped and spilled into a baby seat with a sleeping infant in it. He and the mother stared at each other for about 5 seconds before either reacted. The baby freaked out. It was horrific and hilarious.

Posted by: becks at October 25, 2009 8:53 PM

When I was young, I hung out with a group of ubernerds (OK, I still do).

We had a reading group, and a group of teachers who would take us to the main library downtown for a better selection of books (we were in 7th grade, without a mass transit system).

Afterward we would usually get something to eat. We stopped at a near-by Blue Circle (long gone, long lamented small burger chain). While there, a drunk came in started talking to our teacher, calling him "Mr. Teacher Professor Sir", rambling about his life and daughter etc.

We were cracking up watching our teacher try to be polite, but getting more and more uncomfortable.

Then, the drunk leaned in and said as quietly as he could (that is, still loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear) "Excuse Mr. Teacher Professor Sir, but are those children retarded?"

We laughed so hard I thought I was going to pass out. Seriously, seeing stars.

Posted by: Drake at October 25, 2009 9:11 PM

My mom's best friend in college was a girl named Gaye. She had short blonde hair.

My mom had to re-take a test, and Gaye was supposed to wait for her outside the building. She got done with the test, walked outside, and saw what she thought was her friend with her back to my mom. Mom decided to play a prank, so she snuck up on the girl and tackled her, sending both of them tumbling to the ground. When the girl rolled over, it wasn't my mom's friend, just another girl with short blonde hair. So my mom blurts out, "Oh! I'm sorry! I thought you were Gaye!"

Apparently, the look of sheer horror on the girl's face was just priceless.

Posted by: linny at October 25, 2009 9:57 PM

8 or 9 years old, playing catch with my brother and father in a field behind my house. There is a rabbit a good 9 or 10 feet from me.

I, being the shit disturbing person that I am, decide to throw the ball at the rabbit.

I, with my complete lack of coordination, miss by a good 3 feet. Buttttt...

The rabbit sees the ball coming, takes of running and runs into the path of the ball. it hits him in the head, he flops around for 10 seconds, then expired.

So, I killed a rabbit with a baseball. Intentionally yet accidentally.

Posted by: Some Guy at October 25, 2009 9:59 PM

Mrrrphhh Mrrph Mrrrphhh Mrphh.

Mrrmphh Mprhhh. Mmmmrrph.

Mrph!

Posted by: The Pyro at October 25, 2009 10:49 PM

1 - In Camp, we often had a "mystery pen-pal" game. This one time, at Christmas Camp, one of the older dudes - he was about 16 or 17 - was supposed to be penpalling with this really hot mystery chick.

Since it was Christmas, we were all supposed to craft something for our penpals, and this guy crafted his "girl" an envelope containing a yellow sunflower.

So reveal time comes around, and the counselor who was calling out names calls out this guys name. He nervously stands up, walks to the front...and the counselor comes around from behind the table and stands in front of him, grinning, arms wide open. The look on the guy's face as his whole world shattered....priceless. The room nearly fell apart.

2 - But the funniest goddamn thing I ever saw was at a flute recital my baby sister was having with a few other kids from her music school. She had one of those tripod thingies to put the sheet music on in order to see what she was playing. While she was trying to regulate the height...BAM!!! Down goes the thing and crashes on the floor. It was howlingly funny, and I had to keep from laughing to avoid "funny" looks. But I've ribbed her with it ever since.

And then there was that time when we were putting on a theater play, and when I was supposed to "attack" one of my mates, I really did. I whacked him over the head. It was a little embarassing, but hey - we won the goddamn competition because of that bit, so whatever.

Posted by: Pedro at October 26, 2009 5:51 AM

Thanks for u r information

Posted by: Madurai Hotels, Pollachi Hotels at October 26, 2009 7:02 AM

Oh man, I thought family legends didn't count. i have a few, mostly related to my ditzy old great-great-aunts. I'll tell some other time.

Posted by: Pedro at October 26, 2009 7:20 AM

Thanks for u r information

Posted by: Madurai Hotels, Pollachi Hotels at October 26, 2009 8:09 AM

Madurai Hotels, Pollachi Hotels
---
The hell?

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 26, 2009 10:17 AM

When our daughter was about 2 mos old, she woke in the middle of the night ready to have her diaper changed. For some reason both my husband and I tended to her this time--both of us delirious from wacky "new parents" sleep deprivation. She was on the changing table, diaper off, when suddenly "kapow!"--a perfectly formed 3-inch long turd shot out of her little butt and landed UPRIGHT on the table. Well, my husband and I lost it! I said "get the camera!" to which my husband wisely said--"now that's just mean...let's commit it to memory instead..."

Think if we had taken a picture...nice blackmail for when she's a teenager...

Posted by: courtney at October 26, 2009 11:56 AM

TWOP fan- I have a very similar story. My mom was working one Saturday and I was home with two of my sisters and one of my older brothers. It was pouring rain and we were bored, so we decided to play Monopoly. We kept all of the board games under my mom and dad's bed, but the dog sometimes slept under there and had scattered the pieces all over the floor. My sister was a bit pyro at the time, so instead of using a flashlight, she used a lighter to help her find the mononpoly money. Of course, the mattress went up in flames. My brother was in the shower at the time, and upon hearing the words "Fire!!!", he came bolting out buck naked and dripping and put the fire out. I was about 6 and he was about 16. I was pretty scarred for life after that.

Another story happened a few years ago. My in laws had come in town for a graduation. Afterwards we all went out to eat. We ate out on the patio because the weather was nice. The patio chairs were the cheap, plastic kind you buy at Walmart. My BIL was sitting in one, and tilting it back on the back legs. We were kinda rouwdy, and were talking about a previous camping trip we had all taken where my sister in law had fallen and hurt herself no less than 4 times in two days. My brother in law was teasing her, saying something about her being clumsy, then out of nowhere, the back legs on the cheap chair blew out, and my BIL was on the florr. It was the funniest thing ever. One second he was making fun, then he was just gone. We all had a gooD laugh at his expense.

Posted by: littlebee that could at October 26, 2009 1:18 PM

Late to the party, but here goes. When I was in college I took this visual design course. One of the projects was to make a sort of costume for a pair of people (the artist and a partner) that was connected and told some kind of story.

This was going on during May finals, which for some reason was when all the zealots and prosyletizers would come out. They ranged from the Gideons, who were friend old men for most part, to Brother Jeb and Sister Cindy, who would shake their hands at frat boys and shout "Fhohohohohohornicators!" and thump their bibles, literally, and call all the girls whores for showing their calves and ankles.

Well, this year was the millenium, so we also had a bunch of doomsdayers. One of them carried a bunch of signs about the end days, but added to that, he had an 8-foot cross made of 4" X 4"s that he dragged around on his back for hours.

Now, Nebraska is pretty hot in the summer, and this thing was heavy, and the guy was pretty small. You could tell by the end of each day he was pretty worn out.

It was in this moment of vulnerability that one of my classmates noticed him out the window as we were wrapping up costume-presentation. My classmate had decided, for some reason, to make a pair of costumes that were essentially giant foam tongues. Well, he's still in costume, and he sees this poor tiny Christian out the window struggling along with his cross and he gets this wicked glint in his eye, and races out the door.

Next thing we know, the guy with the cross is being body-licked by the Giant Tongue. Now, I guess his whole point was that he didn't want to put down the cross. So at first he tried to sort of run away, but you can't really run with a 8-foot cross on your back. Then he tried to kind of swat away the Giant Tongue, but the Giant Tongue was a really big guy. Finally he just submitted to it, as though if he stayed really still it would just go away.

That is, to this day, the funniest thing I have ever seen. All I wish is that I could have heard Cross Guy's prayers in the moment. "Dear Lord, please relinquish me from this trial You have seen fit in Your wisdom to visit upon me, this Giant Tongue which is licking me while I try to do Your good work here in this den of sin..."

Posted by: Codger at October 26, 2009 5:08 PM

I'm always late to these things as well, Codger, which is why I'm not going to bother contributing, but your story (particularly the last few lines) had better end up on EE this week, because it is freakin' HILARIOUS.

Posted by: DeadBessie at October 27, 2009 11:05 AM

I was about 7 and to escape the rain I was running at top speed for the corner store. I mistook the glass door for an open one and hit it full-on head first. I bounced off, the glass cracked to all corners from the point of impact, and the handle popped off the inside and clanged on the floor. TA-DAA!

Posted by: bradm at October 27, 2009 9:10 PM

Codger, I have been struggling to breath for about an hour now, just from your last sentence and, dear godtopus...the image...must not choke...I second the EE nomination.
Sally's stick shift driving lesson also had me holding my stomach in fear I would pull something. I'm so glad to have found a site where all the commenters have a way with words. These comment diversions are just so much more fun.

Posted by: BiblioGeek at October 28, 2009 1:11 AM


















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