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Bonfire of the Vanities

An Evening Comment Diversion / Dustin Rowles

Comment Diversions | June 8, 2009 | Comments (134)

Tonight’s diversion, completely unrelated to movies, books, TV, or music, comes from Ling. It concerns all of you, so pay attention. Ling writes:

We all trade in a sort of transcendent intellectualism that would seem to preclude any concern with popular image expectation, yet - and I’ve done my research - nearly everyone has at least one vanity. The Pajibans can’t be different. Let’s have a Bonfire of the Vanities!

I submit for incineration a hair obsession. It’s curly. Ever stretched a phone cord and had all the loops get messed up? I could gladly spend an hour fixing those loops, as well as spraying, teasing, straightening, braiding, twisting, and pinning, depending on my mood. I’ll leave the house with no makeup, dirty sweats, and a bouffant. It’s getting ridiculous.

—-

So, the question is posed to the rest of you: What’s your major vanity?

As for me, I feel pretty good about … well … the … my … hurm. I’m really symmetrical. Does that count?


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Comments

For a second I thought this diversion would be all about disastrous book-to-movie adaptations. Bonfire would definitely take the cake on that one.

My vanity...I like my smile.

Posted by: figgy at June 8, 2009 8:25 PM

This one is hard for me. I've gone out of the house looking the fool plenty. I like my hair to look nice, but it only happens about 1/4 of the time.

I'd say my mind is my vanity. Sometimes I like to think I'm smarter than I really am.

Posted by: Cindy at June 8, 2009 8:27 PM

I don't really have a specific vanity...but I never. Ever. Leave my house without mascara on.

Posted by: jvo at June 8, 2009 8:32 PM

Probably my smug sense of superiority. And who says I'm not?

I also think I'm still a pretty good-looking guy for my age, and that if I colored my hair I could pass for about 10 years younger.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 8, 2009 8:34 PM

when I was in high school I used to keep a list of my physical unpleasantnesses. it counted more than 70 I have such a great relationship with my body. I used to like my boobs and I dont even like them anymore, thank you gravity.

Posted by: rio at June 8, 2009 8:35 PM

I have awesome hair. It annoys the hell out of me, but it's really nice hair.

Posted by: lizzieborden at June 8, 2009 8:36 PM

I cannot abide looking fat (let alone being so). It has led, at various times in my life, to bouts of anorexia -- I was, in fact, hospitalised for it in 1992, weighing in at a hefty 107 pounds at 5'8" tall. I've spent the rest of my life fighting the anorexic mindset. The nightmare pregnancy's attendant weight gain was, for me, almost worse than post-partum depression.

Pathetic, really, for a rabid feminist. Bizarre, actually.

But there it is.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at June 8, 2009 8:41 PM

I have shampoo commercial hair. Except maybe not as shiny (how do they do that?). Thick as hell, bouncy, gorgeous, the color (professional) is awesome, the highlights are just about damn perfect (I have an extremely talented hairstylist/colorist, I can't take credit for the color or highlights).

See the vanity? I have total strangers say things that feed the vanity all the time. It's a sickness! Help me! My hair is the awesome!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at June 8, 2009 8:42 PM

I like my skin tone in the summer. Between June and August I do not wear foundation.

When October comes around and I start to fade...it is best not to discuss it too much.

Posted by: greer at June 8, 2009 8:43 PM

I was accelerated in writing and English growing up; I even was allowed to read separate books for reports and meet with the teacher afterwards. After getting a BFA in Writing, going for my MFA in Journalism and having my ESL certification, my biggest vanity is grammar and spelling. I'm that obnoxious bitch that points out "who" and "whom" and finds misprints in restaurant menus. I'm trying to get better at it, but I've had a lot of shortcomings in other areas so I find myself lording the English skills over everyone else.

Posted by: scorzi at June 8, 2009 8:48 PM

Ling I hereby challenge you to a hair-off.

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at June 8, 2009 8:49 PM

Snuggiepants, I have hair that shiny. Booyah.

Posted by: lizzieborden at June 8, 2009 8:54 PM

My teeth and my hands. They're really lovely, I think.

Posted by: whatBENwatches at June 8, 2009 8:55 PM

I think I'm throwing my hair-hat into the ring here as well.

When I straighten it, it is *that* shiny. Its kinda hard to see with all the curls though.

So yeah. My hair. Its the one thing I always love as well as consistently get complimented on--when I'm not throwing it into a ponytail, that is. Everything else I go back and forth on.

Posted by: Kate at June 8, 2009 8:59 PM

I second jvo on the mascara. I cannot imagine stepping outside without it. As for more specific stuff well...I have great eyes. They're so big that in some pics it looks like I have straight-up cartoon character eyes. I have hips and an ass and a teeny tiny waist, so anything flowy or blowsy on top is out: I'll only wear fitted tops 'cause I wanna show that shit off. And I don't think I have the worlds greatest legs, but I have a specific pair of shorts that when paired with high heels make them look spectacular, so I pull those out on occasion when I feel like turning heads.
And this may be really bad, but I sometimes get offended when less-than attractive/way older guys hit on me. I guess I feel like I'm outa their league and they should know it (although I should note that I'll still often go on a date or two with the ones in my age range 'cause personality trumps looks and I like to give people a chance, but still). Sorry 40yo fat balding dude, you do not have a chance with me. Wow. That's vanity right there. I'ma go hide in a corner now.

Posted by: s. pisaster at June 8, 2009 9:00 PM

Ass.

Posted by: Caspar at June 8, 2009 9:03 PM

My ears are uneven, so I never know how to properly trim my sideburns. Either I get them level and they look uneven because one is below the ear lobe and one above, or I trim them uneven but they both come down to the same level on their respective ears. Maybe I should just get rid of the sideburns altogether.

Posted by: Nate at June 8, 2009 9:05 PM

I envy all you people with the great hair. I have hideous thin hair that grows in completely bizarre ways and never stays one way for very long. I can do absolutely nothing to it, have to redo ponytails 40 times in an hour because clips and bands just slide off completely. I wish I could get away with being bald, but I also have a weirdly-shaped head. Stupid head.

Posted by: figgy at June 8, 2009 9:10 PM

Pathetic, really, for a rabid feminist. Bizarre, actually.

Don't worry Maryscott, so was I. Five months of not eating, until I was 5'9 and 120. I still freak out about being fat. I'm not proud of it.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at June 8, 2009 9:14 PM

my thumbs are skinnier than yours.

Posted by: Not Goldie at June 8, 2009 9:16 PM

Maryscott, Jeremy, I think comparing heights/weights might be leading us down a dangerous path, particularity for those formerly or currently in similar boats.

That said, I hear ya.

Posted by: Kate at June 8, 2009 9:17 PM

My teeth.
I'm hanging out with/kinda dating a Puerto Rican girl with equally excellent teeth. The other night at a reggae show, a wasted Canadian girl told the two of us that we look like we walked out of a toothpaste commercial.

Posted by: krza at June 8, 2009 9:19 PM

Like s. pisaster, my vanities are many and almost all associated with my looks. I am however, the queen of procrastination and despise exercise for the sake of exercise, so the fact that I am heavier than I was when I set the standards for those vanities, causes my own special form of torture.

Before ya'll start in with the tongue lashin', no, I don't think a woman has to be a particular size to be attractive. I feel most attractive and am happiest when I am a particular size. Oh hell! Go ahead, say what you will.

Posted by: Eyvi at June 8, 2009 9:21 PM

I am one hell of a cook, but, as a baker, I rock. I get asked for recipes all the time. My kids have never had a birthday cake that was purchased. Neighbors I hardly know knock on my door and beg me to make a cake for their kid's birthday. They offer lots of money. I made my nieces wedding cake and trucked that fucker 300 milea and finished it in a hotel room. It was perfect. I bake bread or rolls from scratch twice a week. I hate the taste of commercial bakery products now. So, yeah, a litte vain about that skill set.

Posted by: slower lower at June 8, 2009 9:21 PM

figgy, i am with you on the hair envy. i had a hair dresser explain to me that the grossly uneven haircut she gave me was the result of my lopsided head rather than her complete lack of skills in the haircutting arena. i am currently in process of trying to break the habit of fidgeting with my hair. it's non-stop and quite annoying.

my vanity that i look rather young for my age. i imagine that's enhanced by the fact that i act like a 12 year old...

Posted by: aprileee at June 8, 2009 9:22 PM

I'm better than all of you put together

Posted by: mothy at June 8, 2009 9:25 PM

Oh I forgot amidst all my self-love up there, I'm totally vain about my intelligence too. But you kinda have to be to survive in academia.

Posted by: s. pisaster at June 8, 2009 9:27 PM

Actually, I'll add another one. I look younger than I am as well. I still get carded for R-rated movies occasionally. I was 17 a decade ago. So, yanno... it'll be great when I'm forty.

Also, despite my current wasting of said talent: I'm a damn fine writer. It's the one thing I'm really good at.

Posted by: lizzieborden at June 8, 2009 9:28 PM

I'm told that I have really blue eyes quite a bit. I am rather proud of that trait, and so like jvo, I wear mascara every day to enhance that.

Posted by: kelsy at June 8, 2009 9:28 PM

slower lower, I make the best rum truffles. I am so vain on those babies. I think anything in the baking category deserves vanity as its easy to eff it up

krza, I envy you. I never had braces and I have mild fluoride discoloration. I very much dislike my teeth.

Posted by: Kate at June 8, 2009 9:29 PM

Oooh, oooh! Recipe swap! Except, we all will leave out one key ingredient, because nobody's can be as good as ours, right? "Sure I copied it right, don't yours taste like mine?" Passive aggressive housewifin', 'cause that's how we roll in the burbs.

Posted by: slower lower at June 8, 2009 9:37 PM

Another hair whore here. I get a fair number of compliments on it, and I love that I'm a natural redhead. Okay, so it's more of an auburn, but it's all mine, baby! Oh, and I'm worse than ever since I got my fancy-pants straightening iron last month. *flip* Yup, foxy hair-commercial hair. (Why, oh why couldn't I have had this confidence in high school?)

Posted by: meaux at June 8, 2009 9:38 PM

This might sound odd, but I love my feet. I have petite little size 6 feet, pedicured toes, smooth heels, and high arches. A friend once told me I had the feet of a dancer, with my high arches. Unfortunately, they're attached to the body of a bumbling clod instead.

But I've even toyed with the idea of doing foot fetish photography, a la Peggy Hill (minus the naivety). A gal's gotta get paid somehow!

Posted by: Melissa at June 8, 2009 9:40 PM

*sigh* Oh, Melissa, mine are big and flat and not so lovely (though my toenails are nicely shaped, and right now prettily coloured). I am envious!

Posted by: meaux at June 8, 2009 9:44 PM

Vanity? I am fairly proud of my monkey feet, more specifically, toes. I can spread those babies. Say what you will, but I can pick up books with my toes.

That and I have the best damn smile this side of the moon.

Posted by: law_blah at June 8, 2009 9:48 PM

My ass, the awesome Native American heritage cheekbones, and the glory that is my healthy, bouncy, thick, glorious mane of hair.

That's about it.

Posted by: Melody at June 8, 2009 9:50 PM

I'm vain about my voice. I can sing well, I know it and I'll do it whenever anyone will let me(and sometimes when no one asks).

Karma has stomped my ass for my vanity, though. I was all about singing the American national anthem at a hockey game once (and thinking about how awesome it was going to be) and for some reason I got nervous and messed the song up. While I was singing, I kept thinking that I couldn't possibly sound as bad as I thought, but when one of the Canadian players looked at me with a "What the hell is wrong with you" look on his face, I knew I had screwed the pooch.

Otherwise, I rock and/or roll.

Posted by: Tae at June 8, 2009 9:56 PM

my hands are my vanity, but i fear that my rheumatoid arthritis is going to mess that all up and i'll be asking leland gaunt for a spider-filled necklace one of these days.

that being said, i'll pick a runner-up: i am a really good gift-giver. it's ridiculous how much time i spend thinking about what to get who for their birthday or christmas. you will never receive a meaningless gift from me! i will bust out the homemade cookbooks and vanilla and marshmallows and peanut butter eggs, paint you a picture, find a ticket to the 1964 world's fair on ebay and frame it with the lyrics to "ana ng" handwritten around the frame, make you a stuffed dog out of knee socks, decoupage a keepsake box with random things that remind me of you pulled from magazine pages, use all of those wine corks i amass on a bulletin board...essentially, if you know me, sooner or later i'll surprise you with something i've made.

Posted by: kelley at June 8, 2009 9:59 PM

Me too, Melissa! My dance instructor always exclaimed that my feet were amazing. I get teased about my "children's size" shoes & "Barbie feet", but strap those puppies in some cute shoes and I feel like a million bucks! Well, more like $10.

I also love my hair. Took me 18 years to figure out how to work it, but I love me curls.

Posted by: Lauren at June 8, 2009 10:01 PM

Holy Freaking Overshare, Maryscott. Seriously honey, this ain't your therapy group. Stop fishing for sympathy. It's creepy and disturbing.

Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at June 8, 2009 10:03 PM

Whoa whoa whoa there, Skewicide, being honest and admitting to struggling with as common a disorder as anorexia is not "oversharing," by any means (and definitely not by Pajiba standards). Nor is it necessarily deliberately trying to get sympathy. Calm the fuck down there and don't be so judgey.

Posted by: s. pisaster at June 8, 2009 10:09 PM

I have good veins. I give blood regularly and always get comments on how good they are. How sad.

Posted by: Seraf at June 8, 2009 10:10 PM

I have been a watchful member of the Pajiba community for about two months now, and I think now is a perfect time for my very first comment.

I don't want to lie to you guys, I have a fantastic ass. I could show up Beyonce in a bootylicious competition not even on a cute pants day. It's very possible that song by Sir-Mix-A-Lot was written about me. And it feels damn good.

Posted by: the chaplain at June 8, 2009 10:11 PM

On topic part:

My biggest vanity is probably books. Every summer for about 5 years I have been gradually working through a master list of the books an educated person, i.e., pretentious bastard, should have read. Even though I don't enjoy reading most of them: see Joyce, I do it anyway, just so I can say that I read and understand them.

Off topic part: (feel free to ignore)

The lady and I would like to start a product review blog together, but have absolutely no idea of how to go about doing it. I am technologically literate, but my cursory google search didn't help much. Since everyone on pajiba that comments seems to have a blog, I would love your recommendations as to which service would be best for a novice blogger, or, just what to avoid.

Thanks!

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at June 8, 2009 10:13 PM

Hey, Skewicide: shut the fuck up.

I also like that for not having learned English until I was in the 6th grade, I can speak and write it to near perfection--sometimes better than most native speakers. With no trace of an accent. Boo-yah.

Posted by: figgy at June 8, 2009 10:16 PM

I disagree, Seastar. It's oversharing when the subject is as relatively lighthearted as this one. Why even bring it up? I'm not unsympathetic to her plight, but posting an expose here, now, is attention grabbing, plain and simple. I'm not judging her past (or present) condition, I'm simply saying that it's weird to talk about it here. And from what I've seen, Ms. O'connor has a tendency to post waaaaaay too much information about her life's problems.

That said, since I should probably practice what I preach and not turn this fun little diversion into a fight, I'll shut up now.

Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at June 8, 2009 10:19 PM

I'm tall.

That's all I got.

Posted by: TK at June 8, 2009 10:22 PM

I have a classically pretty face and very clear skin, so you know I'm constantly wearing makeup and the right earrings to highlight my face. Ridiculous, but I'll cop to it. I'm so pathetic that I actually think I can slink into the puffiness of late-30s/40s with my dignity intact because of my pretty face, nice taste in clothes and ability to dress strategically.

On the intellectual side of things, I'm a very good editor and pretend to be modest about it. I'm not - I am secretly appalled by other people's mistakes. Yup, I'm tedious.

Phew - I feel much better!

Posted by: samantha t at June 8, 2009 10:23 PM

Kate, I never had braces, either. Good genes.

My vanity showing yet?

Posted by: krza at June 8, 2009 10:25 PM

luker, Blogger is SUPER easy to use. I'm practically a Luddite and I've managed to set up a blog on Blogger. It's very user friendly. Just be patient and don't be afraid to play with it. Good luck!

My vanity would probably be my useless memory for pop culture trivia. I like being the one everyone calls when they can't remember who was in "that one movie with that guy and they went to that place? You know. And the guy is married to that girl who used to be on that show?"

And my boobs. They're pretty nice.

Posted by: Lainey at June 8, 2009 10:33 PM

I'm a blue-eyed chick with long, beautifully thick straight hair who can grill tri-tips as if my life depended on their perfection.

You should see my hair flip when I bar-b-que.

Posted by: Beckster "tri-tip" Goddess at June 8, 2009 10:40 PM

... oh, and I got a nice rack as well.

Posted by: Beckster "tri-tip" Goddess at June 8, 2009 10:41 PM

krza, braces probably couldn't help my vampire fangs anyway.

Posted by: Kate at June 8, 2009 10:41 PM

Enough of these pride shenanigans; where's the goddamned shame list? I sneeze the way a squirrel sounds when it's yelling at you to get off its lawn, and it makes me self-conscious enough that they can't come out at all and I just stand there making stupid faces.

I'M AWESOME!!!!!!

Posted by: Lauren at June 8, 2009 10:50 PM

Have y'all seen the Bacon East pictures? I am hotness personified.

However, if I have to pick a specific one I'm gonna be lame and say my hands. I have very long slender hands/fingers and I can grow perfect nails with no work. Only downside is that I know as I get older I'm going to get the Angelina Jolie skeletor hands thing. Boo.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at June 8, 2009 10:53 PM

I'm pretty vain about my intellect, so much so that I spell and punctuate properly in text messages and read the Atlantic in the bathroom. And I have a great ass. If I could get away with wearing hot pants in public, you people would get completely sick of seeing the Marble Peach everyday and every night.

But, my biggest weakness is clothes. Thousand dollar suits? Fuck and yes. I love colors, I love textures and, frankly, I have the swerve to pull off outfits lesser men shouldn't even think about.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 8, 2009 10:54 PM

Oh, I'm also a hell of a cook and, ladies? My tongue vibrates at 6,000 RPM.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 8, 2009 10:56 PM

I'll have to throw in with all those who think they're smarter than the average bear. I'm the guy no one wants to play Trivial Pursuit or Scrabble with. I don't have an attitude about it (really!), but people get surly when you clock them by a hundred or more points in Scrabble.

The thing is, I'm not particularly clever or creative (can't wait for the feedback on this!). It's mostly just parlor tricks with a photographic memory, which gets to be a pain once you start to grasp your own limitations...

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 8, 2009 11:03 PM

I am a fantastic writer, am amazing at analyzing film and literature, am constantly told I need to be a stand-up comedian and am fucking adorable. I'll never be a cool kid, my knees are knobbly, my fingers are crooked, my nose is kinda Jewwy, I have surgical scars, I haven't lost the freshman 15 and am terrible at flirting... but I'm learning to love myself anyway.

Posted by: blergh at June 8, 2009 11:06 PM

My eyes are gorgeous. I mean, they are fucking Amazeballs USA. I actually kind of get turned off on dates if a guy fawns over how blue they are, because I don't like having to think of myself as a one-trick pony. I just wanna go, "my dick is amazing too!"

But I don't. Because I'm classy like that.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at June 8, 2009 11:07 PM

I'm pretty vain about my intellect, so much so that I spell and punctuate properly in text messages and read the Atlantic in the bathroom.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 8, 2009 10:54 PM

I thought I was the only one who spelled and punctuated AND capitalized properly in text messages. Sorry to hear about your constipation, though -- the Sports section will get me through just fine...guess I'm vain about being regular, too!

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 8, 2009 11:11 PM

I'm vain about my intellect. I'm basically smart, graduated from college, can carry on intelligent conversations, blah blah blah, but sometimes I take myself too seriously. I've also got a good memory for useless trivia factoids that might come in handy on "Jeopardy!" but nowhere else.

On a side note, it's nice to see a picture of Melanie Griffith with normal lips. She looks pretty good when her lips don't extend to the next county.

Posted by: rlr260 at June 8, 2009 11:12 PM

I would say my feet and hands, when I was living in Miami I’d get a pedicure and manicure about twice a month or more depending on my mood at the time. But living here in Austin I’ve let myself go, it’s kinda hard getting all dolled up with nowhere to go. Two more years here and finished with my work, and it's back to the east coast.

P.S. Nice Tracer, a guy bragging about his twat eatin’ skillz, how original.

Posted by: Guess Who! at June 8, 2009 11:14 PM

Posted by: Seraf at June 8, 2009 10:10 PM

Ha! You're vain about your veins! Awesome.

I think me and Lainey might be twins a little... I, too, am the one all my friends come to for movie trivia. And I, too, have a damn fine rack. I was never vain about my long luxurious curly hair, because even though I got tons of compliments, I always hated it. My nails, like Genny's, grow beautifully and fast, but I find them annoying as well. Probably my biggest vanity is my intelligence, which is actually probably nothing to be that vain about...

Oh, and after TB's comment, I'm REALLY sorry I didn't make it to BaconEast.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 8, 2009 11:16 PM

I would be height, I guess. The tops of heads are strikingly different with all the hair whorls and cowlicks. Plus, I can see weather patterns coming.

Posted by: branded at June 8, 2009 11:18 PM

Thank you, AvB. See, Guess Who!? The classics still work. Douchebag.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 8, 2009 11:23 PM

For all you know AvB may have been commenting on your sartorial prowess, Tracer! Unless she went and found herself a fucking hat, in which case...oh, never mind.

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 8, 2009 11:37 PM

I'm just going to go out on a limb here to everyone who is listing their intellect as their vanity:

Isn't that everyone on 'jiba? I'd assumed so.

Posted by: Kate at June 8, 2009 11:37 PM

I didn't think I was very vain until my girlfriend reminded me that I do pushups every night and use two kinds of hair gel.
So.. There's that.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 8, 2009 11:49 PM

It was actually the correct spelling and punctuation in text messages that did it for me.... Mee-yow! That's what *I'm* talkin' about.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 8, 2009 11:51 PM

I haven't yet made it to the fucking millinery, Che.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 8, 2009 11:51 PM

Oh, and after TB's comment, I'm REALLY sorry I didn't make it to BaconEast.

Me TOO. And certain PEOPLE didn't take enough PHOTOS of the INTERESTING bits.

Oh, I'm also proud of my giant ass. I like that it's giant.

I love threads where we show off.

Posted by: figgy at June 9, 2009 12:16 AM

I've been told by enough people that my ass is amazing that now I believe it. I also have nice eyebrows...they're very light, so I do have to accent them, but they're perfectly arched and don't need grooming (much). Unfortunately, I rock the bangs so they are always hidden. So these are things I've accepted about myself, but don't really perform upkeep on. What do I love doing stuff to? My EYES. They are "hazel", but they're really a green-heavy green/brown tie-dye that explode with the right shadow work, and most of my gettin-ready routine is spent achieving this.

Posted by: Barabajagalla at June 9, 2009 12:24 AM

At one time, I was vain about many things. Most of all I thought I could do or be anything I wanted. Some of the things I was vain about (but truly believed I wasn't); being frequently mistaken for, and being asked to be, a model (which I did), being athletic (I played intercollegiate softball and basketball for a prestigious school), being intelligent (honor societies, etc.), being "socially conscious" (I had a little sister from Friends Outside and worked with charity organizations) and blah, blah, blah... But then one day I found out I had cancer. My "beautiful" blond hair fell out in patches, my once clear skin was ravaged, my thin, athletic frame became skeletal and not at all attractive. My conversation was no longer witty repartee as some of the drugs effects qualified me as having "psychotic breaks" and if I could lift a mascara brush it was a success. Now, I'm alive. And this is good, but I wish I had anything at all I could be vain about anymore. No matter how trite it sounds.

Posted by: Lena at June 9, 2009 12:48 AM

Yay!

Can I add another one? Can I? Ok.

I'm a classical beauty. Not classical as in Marylin. Classical as in "classical". Ancient greek busts. Roman coins. Leonardo. Caravaggio. Diana, Cleopatra, Livia Drusilla, Mary - yes, THAT Mary. I don't know if that's widely desirable, but I'm damn proud of it.

(And my tits are as firm as water balloons. Was that more than one? woops.)

I suppose I'll add humility, for purposes of balance. There's no point beating about the bush. My stomach is a cruel mistress. She likes bread and she likes to punish me when I eat bread. Right now she's punishing me. Soon I'll have to beat her back down with celery and sit-ups.

Posted by: Ling at June 9, 2009 1:01 AM

Well... I am rather proud of my self loathing.
Nobody does it quite like me.

Posted by: Odnon at June 9, 2009 1:02 AM

My hair. And my eyes. I know, that's two, but my hair's falling out, so soon it'll just be the one.

Posted by: ChristianH at June 9, 2009 1:29 AM

Lena, you just broke my heart, girl. But if it helps at all - age is the great equalizer. And also - YOU F*CKIN' KICKED CANCER'S ASS! I don't think you're proud enough. My mind's eye makes you Ripley, babe.

and me? I'm as vain about my face as The Great Tyrant from Barbarella (my face, my valuable face!) but as I said above - life is taking that action down mighty fast. And hello middle age spread!

So I'm most vain about how I can take the hits. I've got a mean pain threshold. I also like to kick my own ass and get r' done...whatever that might be. Move like you got a purpose, that's me.

Posted by: replica at June 9, 2009 1:31 AM

ooooh - and I can dance for five hours in super high heels. And I mean dancey-dance like DJ Lance Rock dancing. Full-on Snoopy dancing.

We do go on, don't we? Hee.

Posted by: replica at June 9, 2009 1:34 AM

Well, shit. My thing right after Lena's makes me look mighty twerpy.

Well, at least I didn't go full retard. SORRY. I meant full-on vanity.

Posted by: Ling at June 9, 2009 1:39 AM

One more thing in which I take pride:

I don't have a gag reflex, a trait that makes me a great 3rd date and got me through a lot of awkward bedroom encounters back when I pretended to enjoy sex with women.

Maybe someone will find out more at Pajibacon: Dirty South Edition! Haha!

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at June 9, 2009 1:49 AM

Two things, my hair and my teeth. I have perfect hair and perfect teeth, with long, straight, golden brown locks and a full set of 32 with no cavities, I get incredibly vain about that.

I also am proud of the fact that I've never broken a bone, or had to be operated on, but I have far more shames than prideful vanities. Ah, but leave that for another diversion.

Posted by: George at June 9, 2009 1:53 AM

Let's see, I just turned 30 and I've still never had a cavity.
I have a lead foot but I've never gotten a speeding ticket because I believe I have a weird intuition about speedtraps. And I can make my car hug curves on unlit back roads at 70 mph.
I am a brilliant defensive driver because I believe everyone else is retarded and out to get me.
And I am your worst nightmare if you play me at Boggle. I will fuck you up with the plurals, baby.

That was a lot. I'm more vain that I thought.

Posted by: Sharon at June 9, 2009 1:53 AM

Hey, Guess Who. Being from Austin, have you ever taken the little windy road off of 360 up to Spicewood Springs? There is this sudden hill that, if you race down at at least 55, makes you stomach drop like you're on a Ferris Wheel. It's awesome.

Posted by: Sharon at June 9, 2009 1:55 AM

I know what it's like to have a photographic memory, Che. My audiotory memory is so pitch perfect, I didn't take notes in school for years. It kinda ruined me, I've had to train myself to be a good student, being told you're a genius ruins you in school.

Better balance this out with a shame. For my whole life, I struggled with massive gas problems until just recently, when I found out I had an allergy to my favorite food. Guess which:

a)Cheese
b)Oranges
c)Bacon
d)Processed Sugar

Posted by: George at June 9, 2009 2:07 AM

Lena, glad you're here.

Replica, Your goddamn middle age is my twentys. You have nothing to worry about.

Me, I have many vanities, but two come to the top of my head. The first is that I believe that I know what you're going to do before you do it. I don't mean that I'm psychic, but that I can usually deduce what your argument will be and construct my rebuttal so as to tear your ass apart.

My second is my eyes. I have fantastically long eyelashes that women would kill for. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Plus my eyes change colour quite dramatically. They can be blue through br own and all the icy shades in between. I've also been told that they're quite intimidating but I don't mean them to be. It's given me quite a complex.

Oh, and I have a sweet ass.

Posted by: admin at June 9, 2009 2:22 AM

The first is that I believe that I know what you're going to do before you do it. I don't mean that I'm psychic, but that I can usually deduce what your argument will be and construct my rebuttal so as to tear your ass apart.

Holy shit, I am the exact same way. That's part of the reason why everyone always told me I would make an excellent lawyer. I'm good at manipulating social situations by doing subtle things most people wouldn't think about so that I can get others to act in ways I want them to. Nobody knows this about me.

I also constantly get comments on my smile, but I'm so insecure about how crappy my teeth are, cavities-wise, that I can never be completely vain about it.

Posted by: SaBrina at June 9, 2009 2:49 AM

Nobody knows this about me.

--Nobody know that I secretly manipulate social situations, that is. The arguing, people know.

Posted by: SaBrina at June 9, 2009 2:54 AM

My penis...no lie.

It may not get much use...except for myself...but I am damn proud of it!

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 9, 2009 2:55 AM


I don't have a gag reflex, a trait that makes me a great 3rd date and got me through a lot of awkward bedroom encounters back when I pretended to enjoy sex with women.

Maybe someone will find out more at Pajibacon: Dirty South Edition! Haha!

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at June 9, 2009 1:49 AM

I just saw that...fantastic...LOL

And ohhh yeah, are we going to do a Dirty South edition? I was wondering.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 9, 2009 2:58 AM

If we're talking about vanities, I'm not going to be modest here. I have been told I am the perfect playboy bunny sterotype. I have incredible boobs, and I love everything about them. They're still perky and get me free drinks almost every weekend. Long, straight, naturally blonde hair that usually does what I want it to do. And six-pack abs that require very little work, just about 40 crunches a day which I do every morning. It ends there, though. My ass and thighs are filled with cellulite and I can't stand them. Now, my ass I don't mind as much, but my thighs! Good Lord those things! I hate my legs and have done almost every toning and cardio workout under the sun but those things aren't going anywhere.

Posted by: Austin asking for trouble at June 9, 2009 3:03 AM

I used to be vain but now i'm perfect.

Posted by: Mr. Rotinaj at June 9, 2009 3:25 AM

Some of you are mentioning parts of their body which they think look good and some are mentioning parts which they obsess about to try and make look good.

1) I do think my hair (which is VERY curly) looks good but many don't agree with me. Apparently the Jimi Hendrix look is out of fashion.

2) I do obsess a bit about my tummy always looking in the mirror to see if I look any fatter. I'm not realy fat so I shouldn't worry but every little bit of fat which hangs from my tummy, no matter how little, looks wrong. I never go through any diets or exercise or do anything to try and be thinner so it's just a little obsession really.

3) They tell me my teeth look good, which is quite surprising after all the caffeine and nicotine abuse they have got over the years.

I'm not overly proud about any part of my body and I genuinely don't give that much importance to looks. I don't have to go out with a girl who looks in a specific way. If a girl strikes me in any way, I'm ready for her. Frankly, I do often feel I'm above this vanity shit and it makes me angry when I see someone being too vain. I firmly believe that people should be happy with what nature provided them. When I see people who won't leave the house without mascara it feels stupid or people who desperately try to straighten their naturally curly hair... Someone who looks good will ALWAYS look good, even when just waking up. Rather than vanity it feels more like low self esteem and slaves to a system which will make you buy things to "make yourself look good".

Posted by: barf at June 9, 2009 5:06 AM

My bilingual capabilities and my ability to charm people older than me.

Damn, all you hot Pajibans are giving me a complex!

If we are going to go physical then all my life I have been told I have a perfect nose and now I believe it. My mother tells me to be thankful everyday that I inherited them for her.

I would be vain about my supposed nice teeth, supposed full lips, supposed great legs and an arse that never gets fat and dimply but my crippling sense of self-loathing tells me they don't work well together and are ultimately a lie because I don't look very nice nekkid.

Oh dear. TMI.

*runs and hides*

Posted by: joyeetargh at June 9, 2009 5:14 AM

probably my hair... the big ginger mane must remain big and ginger so i can complain about the bad lot i have in life to people and so i can represent the ginger nation...

red power!!!

oh and my body has to remain suitably furry I am not some Twilight werewolf.

Posted by: jim of the lower case at June 9, 2009 5:34 AM

I have no vanities I am the most modest, least arrogant person ever to walk the earth, much like Jesus.

I would dare say, better.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 9, 2009 7:13 AM

Just the fact that I'm so amazingly handsome.

That's all.

Ohh, and I second Che with the Scrabble and Trivial skills. Nobody wants to play with me any more - which feed my ego even more.

Posted by: Ari at June 9, 2009 7:19 AM

I thought the chiding of MaryScott was unneccessary.

Gently now, he definition of Vanity, as I understand it, is a pride so excessive it causes damage. That could be lighthearted or otherwise.

Her post was well within the parameters of the question.

Perhaps the commenter's vanity is the need to narrowly define the tone of something so open-ended it's called a "Comment Diversion." But I'll refrain from speculating that based on two unkind comments, the writer places Craigs List Dom ads, or has any other manifestations of a need to discipline others. That would be baseless extrapolation.

Posted by: Stacy D at June 9, 2009 8:17 AM

My teeth are like stars. They come out at night.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 9, 2009 8:24 AM

Oh man, I think we should have a Pajiba Trivial Pursuit tournament, because no one ever wants to play with me either! And when they do, they all gang up on one big team against me - which helps them win maybe 1 out of 4 times.

Posted by: Melissa at June 9, 2009 8:34 AM

I have beautiful eyes.

Posted by: twig at June 9, 2009 8:52 AM

I used to be a profeesional dancer, so I had great legs but no boobs and the figure of a 12-year-old boy. Now I've filled out. The legs are a little too big, but I'm rocking "free drinks" boobs, a tiny waist, and a round fine ass. I've fallen in love with the clothes I can wear now.

The thing I love the most? My eyes. I'm a Black Hispanic with green eyes. It shocks the hell out of people when they get close. But if one more person asks me if I'm wearing contacts, they are getting a kick in the junk...

Posted by: Trouble at June 9, 2009 9:02 AM

Legs. I have awesome, awesome legs. Miles and miles of 'em. Wish I could attribute them to working out but I'm afraid it's genetic and I can't take any credit whatsoever.

Posted by: courtney at June 9, 2009 9:11 AM

I'm always late to these, damn kids and using the computer for homework at night!

Anyway, my vanity is my incredible good luck throughout my life. I was able to escape the white trash hell of my childhood with only a slight addiction to gin, graduate (barely) from a good college, able to convert my last $50 into gainful employment several times, good parking spaces magically appear for me, passable athletic skills, good common sense. I really feel that I'm lucky and that nothing is insurmountable.

Posted by: SkyBlue at June 9, 2009 9:20 AM

I don't really have any physical vanity. When I was young and slim(mer), I had bad acne, so that put paid to any self-love of the mirror variety! That lasted til I was 35, at which point my weight problem took over.... *sigh*. And I'm short-sighted, but contact lenses don't work for me, hence I'm speccy. So I try to dress ok, put on some makeup, brush my hair, then forget about it. I barely look in mirrors unless I have to, because there's no point beating myself up about it. I'm an overweight middle-aged woman with glasses, and Angelina isn't losing any sleep over the competition.... ;-)

So I guess my vanity would be my mind. I'm not stupid, I'm occasionally told I'm witty, and my powers of sarcasm are awesome. So, there you go!

Posted by: Tarn at June 9, 2009 9:20 AM

Hey SkyBlue, are you free to head to Las Vegas with me in August?

Posted by: slower lower at June 9, 2009 9:23 AM

I have great eyebrows. That's all.

Posted by: Kristen at June 9, 2009 9:30 AM

My vanity is that I see myself as just plain awesome. The best boyfriend a girl could have, a genius, comedic whiz kid, and pretty much able to muddle through anything. I'm the guy that saves the world.

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at June 9, 2009 9:49 AM

I have porcelain doll skin, an excellent rack, and I can make people cry using only my words.

I take good care of my skin, but my major vanity though is my nails. I freak out when they're uneven, Im always messing with them, filing and nipping and cuticle pushing. I change polish every couple of days because I can't stand a single tiny chip. Luckily they naturally grow pretty nicely, but I always have to make them perfect. Actually, come to think of it, this sounds less like vanity and more like OCD...

Posted by: MG at June 9, 2009 9:56 AM

I'm a heterochromatic and people are always jealous.

Suck it, you same-colored-eyes people!!!!

Posted by: arr matey at June 9, 2009 10:04 AM

my afro i've met so many woamn who wanted me just for my Napolean Dynamite Afro.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at June 9, 2009 10:41 AM

i'm also vain about the way my real Name is spelled.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at June 9, 2009 10:43 AM

I'm half vain/half-loathing with my body. I'm very athletic, which I love, and have a really nice, sculpted back, with a teeny-tiny waist and a huge rack that only annoys the shit out of me thirty percent of the time. On the flipside, my leg muscles are frikkin HUGE and most of the time, especially in jeans, I just look fat. So I guess it evens out, yes?

Posted by: whiskeyred at June 9, 2009 11:04 AM

I hate sleeping right through these discussions.

I used to think I was pretty damn good looking in general, but shit tends to fade as we age, although I do have pretty green eyes and my ass still won't quit.

Posted by: Kolby at June 9, 2009 11:07 AM

I'm vain about my work ethic. I got a job as soon as I turned 16 (needed money, loathed babysitting) and have been adored by employers and employees alike at every job I've ever had since. I was a shit student in undergrad, but damn if I didn't make bank waiting tables to get through it. And I totally looked down on my friends who didn't work in college because their parents could afford it. I was certain they would get out of school and be lost and helpless. I did not communicate this opinion to them, however.

Now I'm an unemployed post-grad, so...in my face, I guess.

Posted by: HB at June 9, 2009 11:21 AM

I am going to jump in the hair boat, it is long, red, and curly. I cut it off for locks of love in January and it nearly killed me.

My height. I am 6'1" and I love it. I wear heels too, which are nearly impossible to find.

Also my hands, I have graceful hands with long fingers.

What the? I am one petal away from becoming a daffodil... Dirty trick!

Posted by: Morgagod at June 9, 2009 11:24 AM

I have always been told that I have beautiful eyes. They change color depending on my mood and I think they are rather lovely. They are the one feature that stays constant (weight changes, hair color/texture changes).

It is my greatest delight that my daughter inherited my eyes.. I am constantly stopped by people who tell me how beautiful my daughter's eyes are. If at all possible, she is probably my other vanity. 8 months old with pretty hair (a full head of it), big blue/green eyes, and a heart-melting smile. She's a doll.

Posted by: legib at June 9, 2009 12:03 PM

Young face, old soul, no fear, and features just exotic enough to completely obscure my hertitage.
I mean, other than, like, black.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at June 9, 2009 12:15 PM

Great voice. Have an under-developed conjoined twin who can drink me under the table and punch through a cinder block with his turkey claw. My left testicle can predict an early frost in the Autumn months.

Posted by: Skitz at June 9, 2009 12:26 PM

I dress really well. Strangers sometimes stop me on the street to compliment my outfit or shoes. I’m good at putting together outfits which are cute or trendy without looking like I’m trying too hard.

I’m also an excellent sale shopper, so I only look like I’m spending a lot of money.

Posted by: MN_Jen at June 9, 2009 12:33 PM

I'm a human q-tip, in other words, I'm about as pale as it gets. I cannot leave the house without having drawn my eyebrows on with a pencil and many layers of mascara.

Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at June 9, 2009 1:31 PM

You "excellent rack" people: We're just supposed to take your word for this? I call bullshit on you all. Prove it!

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 9, 2009 2:08 PM

I'm severely proud of my thorax. Waist to neck I'm hot. (Or my version of hot--if I were a lesbian or a frat boy.)

Posted by: Sofía at June 9, 2009 2:18 PM

I second , comment - TTIUWP (this thread is useless without pictures)

Posted by: Ari at June 9, 2009 2:45 PM

I'm severely proud of my thorax. Waist to neck I'm hot. (Or my version of hot--if I were a lesbian or a frat boy.)

Posted by: Sofía at June 9, 2009 2:18 PM
----------------------------------------------

I give you most sincere kudos madam, thoraxes are not appreciated as much as they should be.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 9, 2009 2:59 PM

I make a pretty mean sun-dried tomato, garlic and ectoplasm vinigarette. It's low-fat, too, so your waistline will thank you. You get it, ladies! It's light, summer-y, and a guilt-free indulgence. Take another bite of that viscera, you've earned it. I'm calling it Pazuzu's Own

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Lovecraft at June 9, 2009 4:14 PM

My mind's eye not being what it used to be, I'd like to second the request for pictures of these vanities. Seriously, using our imagination to properly appreciate these unique characteristics is quite likely a major disservice to said characteristics. So, in order to be suitably vain, or for it to be a true vanity, photos or nothing!

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 9, 2009 4:26 PM

Agreed, pictures are a must! I have *got* to see what a testicle that predicts frost looks like!

Posted by: meaux at June 9, 2009 5:09 PM

We're Fb friends, people. How lazy can you get?

Posted by: Sofía at June 9, 2009 6:33 PM

Not the pictures you all were looking for, but evidence of my cake baking awesomeness can be found on that certain site.

Posted by: slower lower at June 9, 2009 6:55 PM

Damnit! not on facebook...and this will sound like a lie, but I am 5'5" and 125 with 34d rack. And blue eyes. and blondish hair. And I fucking love football and basketball and I spent six hours this afternoon riding horses and moving hay and now I reek in a teeshirt. It has a murder tank on it. For the record though, I always hated my boobs. Wanted to be tall and thin. Turns out some guys don't like tall and thin.

Posted by: patchfire at June 9, 2009 7:48 PM

Sofia, I did NOT see either of Skitz's testicles in his photos, dammit!

Posted by: meaux at June 9, 2009 8:18 PM

I fucking love football and basketball
---
I fucking love 34ds but that's a deal-breaker right there.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 9, 2009 8:30 PM

Pay no attention to Skewicide, peeps. I have my very own stalker, and he likes showing up under all SORTS of pun-impressive user IDs here and at Huffington Post and, oh, just about anywhere I go. Isn't that DELIGHTFUL? Yeah. I think so, too. Fun for the whole family.

Anyhoo. For the record, since it was brought up... this IS still the Bonfire of the Vanities post, right? Right. Yeah... Did my post read like a "plea for sympathy" to anyone NOT suffering from Total Psycho Douchebag Syndrome? No? Didn't think so. Just, you know, posting within the parameters of the requested blah blah blah...

Bleargh. So, anyone else have experience with this sort of thing? Know how long it takes these fuckwits to tire of their Obsession du Jours (or Semains, or whatever the case may be) and move on to the next? Man. Annoying, to say the least. Pedestrian... but definitely annoying.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at June 9, 2009 9:34 PM