Bang Out Your Dead!

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Bang Out Your Dead!

By Mrs. Julien | Comment Diversions | December 1, 2012 | Comments ()

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I was contemplating a Celebrity Throat Punch diversion, but just as I get really excited at the prospect of slapping some smirking asshat, I get lost in a quagmire of "but he/she's a person" and I feel too guilty to put my violent impulses into writing, except for Ann Miller:

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She's dead and I still want to punch her.

Moving on...

We like to go on at length about the manifest bangability of celebrities, so I'm reaching back into the Pajiba Vaults with this one. Since I have virtually the same chance of getting access to Ewan McGregor in 2012 as I do Cary Grant in 1941, I'm going to pick the five dead celebrities whose mortis I'd most like to rigor:

1. Cary Grant Always and forever.

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2. Gregory Peck


3. (My Secret Husband) William Powell

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4. Errol Flynn

That Robin Hood guy?


Have you ever seen him in a suit?


5. Gene Kelly


Note: The second Peter O'Toole shuffles off this mortal coil, the door will hit Gene Kelly's magnificent ass on the way out.

Not only can I not think of living women whose privates I should like to become familiar with, I really can't imagine one who I would go to the trouble of bringing back to life. Herewith, in a special, one time special appearance by Mr. Julien are his most bangable dead celebrities:

1. Natalie Wood


2. Janet Leigh


3. Ingrid Bergman

I told him I can't see it. He told me to get some glasses.

4. Simone Simon

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5. Grace Kelly

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Tell us Pajibans, which 5 celebrity corpses would you most like to reanimate so you can jump their bones?

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And That Will Bring Us Back To D'oh. Country Music Barbie To Play Maria Von Trapp. | I'm Gonna Give You My Love: Five Things You May Not Have Heard About This Week

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • kirbyjay

    60's Lee Marvin

  • SnickySnick

    Young Marlon Brando

  • Gene Kelly, Cary Grant, Clark Gable, Laurence Olivier, Harry Belafonte. Plus a bunch of back-ups ;-)

  • Lyndsay

    Belafonte is still alive yo. Nevertheless, I second it.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    Late (no pun intended) to the party, as ever.

    Steve McQueen (circa The Great Escape)
    Cary Grant
    Jimmy Stewart (both circa The Philadelphia Story)

    And for the ladies? Rita Hayworth.

  • sherlockzz

    Ingrid Bergman, Jean Harlow, Adrienne Shelley, Ann Francis, Liz Taylor

    Players to be named later: Lauren Bacall, Charlotte Rampling

  • Morgan_LaFai

    I am shocked that neither Marilyn Monroe or Elizabeth Taylor made this list. Top two, hands down, no question. Agreed on Ingrid Bergman though her and Lauren Bacall (assuming she is dead) tend to trade places as number 5 depending on the day. And coming in 3rd and 4th respectively, cause I am a good lesbian, we have Marlene Dietrich and Greta Garbo.

    As for the men, agreed on William Powell and Cary Grant. Would add Marlon Brando (if he's finally managed to die) and James Dean. And to round out the list, just cause he makes me laugh, Charlie Chaplin. Not only was he hilarious, but the impact he had, as still has, on comedy is immense.

  • winged chorus

    My God, Robert Mitchum of course.

  • OldSchool60

    Mrs. Julien, you have impeccable taste.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Thank you. I know. Everyone thinks they do, but I REALLY do. Now if only I had the budget to show it properly...

  • apsutter

    Natalie Wood was so incredibly beautiful and what a tragedy. Newman & Gable all day for me. I've always had a girl crush on Gene Tierney too. The way she looks in those white glasses in "leave her to heaven!"

  • Samantha Klein

    Gene Kelly
    Gene Kelly
    Cary Grant
    Richard Burton
    Spencer Tracy (I don't know; don't ask me)


  • BWeaves

    Yes to your list and everybody elses, too.

  • Pookie

    Scatman Crothers

  • Pookie

    Ewwwww! excuse me but if I'm going to bone somebody, they had better have a picture of themselves in color.

  • BWeaves

    Do you mean color as in color (i.e. not black & white) or colored (i.e. not white)? Or was it a double pun joke?

  • Hawkeye Fierce

    Here's some fun ones I'm not seeing on the list so far:
    Basil Rathbone
    Rex Harrison
    Myrna Loy
    Montgomery Clift
    Laurence Olivier
    Oliver Reed (I don't know. Just...I don't know)
    David Niven

  • LoudVal

    I'm not seeing any love for the rat pack. Can they count collectively as one of my 5? If not, Dean Martin can take one for the team.

  • ,

    Question about the rules? Cause if you mean bang them as they were at the TIME of death, I might have to alter my list a little. But I'm going to assume you mean, in their primal youth. Also: Oooo, Grace Kelly. Well played. Ima steal that one.

    OK, then:

    1. Grace Kelly

    2. Marilyn, of course

    3. Mae West

    4. Cleopatra (the original or Elizabeth Taylor version), and if she's busy: Nefertiti will do

    5 (tie -- and fuck yeah, I'm cheating up to 10) Lizzie Borden (So I banged an axe murderer)

    Benazir Bhutto (too soon?)

    Evita Peron

    Janis Joplin

    Joan of Arc

    Mary Magdalene (I have some questions to ask afterward)

  • Mrs. Julien

    In their prime, , , whatever that means to you, i.e. Cary Grant in 1941.

  • ,

    That's what I figured. Just making sure, cause Mae was a little old even for me when she croaked.

  • ralyra

    Paul Newman, Cary Grant, Gregory Peck, Rock Hudson ( if I'm re-animating, he can come back straight), Elvis Presley

  • $27019454

    Stephen Boyd

  • Jane

    I've had a lifelong girl-crush on Vivien Leigh, who I still think is the most beautiful woman i have ever seen

  • Ninjajeje

    LESLIE HOWARD so hard. "The Petrified Forest" changed everything for me. I know he's not gone yet but as soon as Kirk Douglas passes the pearly gates he'll move to the top of the list.

  • Bewegung951

    I believe Mr. gregory Peck has a grandson who is acting now. He looks like this:

  • Rooks

    Oh--OH! Patrick from that ill-fated but fun MTV version of "10 things I hate about you"! Love. Love love.

  • KingEntropy

    1. Audrey Hepburn
    2. Audrey Hepburn
    3. Audrey Hepburn
    4. Audrey Hepburn
    5. Audrey Hepburn

  • Katylalala

    So, Kate Hepburn?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    No one said Pacey?

  • Jaime Birren

    RIP Joshua Jackson. *sniff*

  • ecwagner

    Judy Garland (take her back to her "A Star is Born" days).

  • zeke_the_pig

    Not because I would like to rigor her mortis, but just because awesome:

  • E-Money

    I don't know if I'd bang her, but I'd hang out with Katherine Hepburn sooo hard! Who am I kidding, of course I'd bang her.

  • Luke Anthony Matthews

    No Anthony Perkins?!? Norman Bates was hot, admit it!

  • mary

    I was the only kid in elementary school with a crush on William Powell after seeing My Man Godfrey. My parents were older than most and loved the old movies.

  • Katylalala

    Jonathan Brandis
    Corey Haim
    River Phoenix
    Brad Renfro
    Heath Ledger

  • apsutter sad :(

  • Katylalala

    Right? He was my tween dream guy.

  • Bodhi

    Brad Renfro! Oh, Brad Renfro. My God, how depressing. He was the first actor I was irrevocably in love with. I was certain that if I wished hard enough we'd meet & we'd fall in love. His death was the first celeb death that really stunned me. (I cried like a baby when Warren Zevon died, but we knew it was coming).

  • Katylalala

    Yeah, that was pretty sad. Renfro was such a talented guy, it was such a waste. Poor, tortured kid.

    Jonathan Brandis was my first actor crush, and my tween bedroom walls were papered from floor to ceiling in some parts with Jonathan Brandis posters from Bop and Tiger Beat (in between the posters of Jonathan Taylor Thomas and the other dudes I mentioned in my original post).

    I was 22 when Brandis killed himself, and I was still more upset than I reasonably should have been when I found out about it. Then I got all sad after typing this list and Netflixed a few episodes of Seaquest DSV over the weekend.

  • ViciousTrollop

    I had a strange dream the other day where James Dean hadn't been dead for 57 years, he'd just been living under my deck and hadn't aged a day.

    Men:James Dean, Farley Granger, Gene Kelly, Sir Laurence Olivier (Wuthering Heights era), Rex Harrison.

    Ladies: Sharon Tate, Natalie Wood, Joan Crawford, Carole Lombard, Marilyn Monroe.

  • psemophile

    Grace Kelley. Man, I'm so much in love with her I'd be ok with having an affair with her ghost or something.

  • elkabong51

    You all are sick. Sick! And if...wait, Grace Kelley....

  • elkabong51

    OK...where was I? Oh yes, just how twisted are you...wait...Cyd Charisse, oh Cyd...

  • psemophile

    Shit that sounds creepy.

  • ashley

    50's Brando,monty clift even though he was gay i'd just like to stare at him, and of course paul newman

  • Jess

    A big yes to Gene Kelly.

    Also, Grapes of Wrath-era Henry Fonda. Peter Lawford. Montgomery Clift.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I can't believe this is the first mention of Henry Fonda. Gorgeous.

  • Hey there

    It's not the first mention, Fonda was mentioned not long after the post went up.

  • Mrs. Julien

    My apologies. I can only hope to be forgiven.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I can't believe no one has mentioned Sharon Tate. So achingly beautiful. I was so sad when I heard the news of her grotesque death.

    Dixie Carter is also worth a mention, don't you think?

    And I'm surprised that none of our Pajibettes (and some Pajibers, you know who you are) haven't said Elvis. He was the original hipster.

  • apsutter

    Elvis is so over-rated in my opinion. Also he was incredibly square & strikes me as an absolute bore.

  • Uriah_Creep

    A couple of million people would disagree, but that's why we make these lists. Fun for all!

  • llp

    Elvis made my list - just beautiful.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I stand corrected. My eyes were already glazing over by that point.

  • ViciousTrollop

    Sharon was such a beautiful lady. One of the most beautiful women to come out of the 60s. Such a shame.

  • e jerry powell

    I just can't forgive egregious cultural appropriation, though I can't deny that I'd bang Elvis into a coma.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Oh, and Dear Mrs. J - Watch Notorious, and you'll see it.

  • Mrs. Julien

    If you think I can watch Notorious and see anything other than Cary Grant or Claude Raines, you are very much mistaken.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Who? They're in that?

    It seems we have variations on the same problem.

  • duckandcover

    *reads article title*

    *slowly sips drink, eyeing Mrs. Julien* Weeeeelp.

    To be serious: the only person I could think of in this regard is Heath Ledger. Every other handsome dead man -- Humphrey Bogart, Gene Kelly, Clark Gable, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman -- is held on a pedestal to me. Heath Ledger is, too, in his own way, but he's the only one I'd enjoy who doesn't give me overt "I have daddy issues" vibes. YES, I'M A WET TOWEL TO THIS ARTICLE.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Truth be told, I refer to Cary Grant as the "Ming vase" when I'm at home. He's so perfect, he seems almost untouchable, and then I found this photo.

  • duckandcover

    I saw that picture on Tumblr. This post actually makes me want to plug one of my favorite little blogs I read: http://classic-desires.tumblr.... It's home to the picture below.

  • Gene Kelly
    Paul Newman
    Heath Ledger
    Young Marlon Brando
    River Phoenix

  • llp

    Gregory Peck, Montgomery Clift, Paul Newman, young Elvis Presley, Patrick Swayze, Ricardo Montalban, Gregory Hines, always and forever River Phoenix.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Since Mel Gibson is dead to me now, can young Mel Gibson be on my list?

  • ravingmadscientists

    John Lennon. Christopher Hitchens. Hitchens all day and night.

    Physical appeal is nice but genius, I can't resist.

  • Heather Mooney

    Oh, Hitch . . . hell, yeah. Wit is SEXY, y'all.

  • I love your list Ms. J. but first, last, and forever on my list is John Garfield baby; Garfield all the way.

    BTW, that Gene Kelly gif is mesmerizing. Look how smoothly his hips swivel to and fro, to and fro. ~le sigh~

  • Jaime Birren

    Gene Kelly had the absolute best ass ever.

  • PDamian

    Gregory Peck ... le sigh. They're just not making them like Gregory Peck anymore.

    I'd do Donald O'Connor (Singin' In The Rain, above) in a heartbeat. He's geeky-cute. And the man can move.

  • Matty Blue

    Donna Reed. So so bad.

  • Liz

    1. Errol Flynn a million times yes.

    2. Gary Cooper

    3. Laurence Olivier

    4. Marlon Brando

    5. Robert Mitchum

    Seriously, even Errol Flynn's feet were attractive.

  • A. Smith

    If I had to go top 5 for both...

    Cary Grant, Paul Newman, Yul Brenner, Dean Martin & River Phoenix

    Natalie Wood, Audrey Hepburn, Elizabeth Taylor, Ingrid Bergman & Jane Russell

  • Puddin

    Marry young Jimmy Stewart, screw young Marlon Brando, kill young Hitler. **drops mike, gets outta that bitch**

  • Montgomery Clift, River Phoenix, Brandon Lee, Richard Burton and James Dean ...there's probably someone I'm forgetting, but this is a good start! ;)

  • llp

    Brandon Lee, yes!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Yes, of course, to Paul Newman.

    Young Orson Welles also - because I do love a big, arrogant, talented bastard.

    and...dorky...Howard Keel. He can Kiss my Kate from here til forever. And I will bless his beautiful hide.

    And probably Richard Burton. Oh, the voice.

  • Ash

    I second your young Orson Welles.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Yeah, I think Ranylt was hitting it too. And kindly provided a picture. He was the first one I thought of.

  • PerpetualIntern

    Gregory Peck, circa Roman Holiday. I'd ride his Vespa all day.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I couldn't get a Roman Holiday photo the right size but I agree with you completely. I used to watch it with my students and they would hear me sighing, "good lord".

  • Bodhi

    Marlon Brando from Wild One/ Streetcar
    James Dean
    Humphrey Bogart
    Paul Newman
    George Harrison

  • linnyloo

    Yay for Bogey. I always thought he looked sad, in the sort of way that always made me want to cheer him up. And he SIZZLED with Lauren Bacall.

  • e jerry powell

    Funny, I feel that way about Louis CK.

    Well, except for the Bacall part.

  • Bodhi

    Exactly. They just don't make movie stars like they used too

  • East Coast Bronco

    Donna Reed ....*drops mic*...

  • ZyGGy

    Montgomery Clift.

  • There'll Be Pancakes

    Paul Newman, this isn't even a debate

  • Kobie

    Jayne Mansfield.

  • apsutter

    Omg..that bosom!!! Bitch also had a pink car and an all pink house which means we'd be best friends after lol

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    Rudolph Valentino

    James Dean

    Montgomery Clift

    John Mills

    William Holden

    I would totally switch sides for Ava Gardner.

  • e jerry powell

    Isn't Gardner still leading Sinatra by the dick in the afterlife?

    I think Monty Clift would only switch sides for Elizabeth Taylor.

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    Gardner probably has an entourage in the afterlife and Sinatra is top boy.
    I think all my guys were switch hitters, but they're dead, so, yeah. I just love that look.

  • brite

    William Holden, Steve McQueen...I could go on, but these two make such a great start the rest would all be gravy.

  • e jerry powell

    Oh, honey. Steve McQueen makes me weak.

  • VonnegutSlut

    Just as long as he doesn't think YOU'RE weak, 'cause he'd be liable to slap the shit outta ya the way he did with Ali MacGraw THE GETAWAY...the way he did in real life, too, probably.

  • e jerry powell

    Sadly. He did have some issues later, didn't he?

  • Mrs. Julien

    He did. He once threw her over a balcony into the pool below. He beat his first wife too.

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