Pajiba

Don't worry Big Daddy. Even one nut shy you will still have more balls than about 90% of the emo little wusses out there.
I'd offer a little ball-tickle for support, but my fingers are reeeeally cold.

The worst thing I ever got was pneumonia, and that one time I sublexed my kneecap, which is exactly as bad as it sounds.

But I have to say, the most horrifying thing that ever happened to me was the time I felt an intense pain in my right testicle, I was sent to the hospital, and fortunately, it wasn't cancer, or a hernia. The doctor said to take 3 Asprin when it hurt, and in a few weeks, I'd feel fine.

At first, I wanted more of an answer, so the doctor said that I had a pocket of fluid in my scrotum, and it doesn't need to get drained unless it gets serious. Apparently, he's seen men with scrotums the size of oranges.

Don't worry, one nut, it's better to have one nut than to test the amount of fluid your nutsack can hold. Hopefully, the tumor's only benign, I hope you make it out of it okay.

Concur with the best of lucks. On a positive note, if history has shown us anything, you're about due for a Tour De France victory.

Hmmm ... if it worked that way you could have one of mine - I have three!

Best of luck with the removal of thy precious legume. And, on the bright side, you will now have the great fortune to say honestly anyone who asks:

"I have just as much balls as brains, pal, so don't try anything stupid!"

Good luck to you sir. I SAY GOOD LUCK SIR!! As for the hands down the pants, I'm sure a number of Pajibans don't have have to be reminded. Standard practice, basic health and all that. I'm sure someone will explain to the to the lump exacrtly whom it is fucking with-and what a bad idea that is.

First of all, I'm very sorry about your friend.

Second, I assume that you've had the biopsy done, and it's not just a cyst? If not, maybe it's just a cyst.

Third, if it has been confirmed, your doctor is absolutely right when he says "extremely curable."

I had some trouble with my fun bits a few years back--not cancer, fibroid tumors; but I had to have a hysterectomy anyway--and a couple of conversations with the surgeon ensured that I continue to have a fantabulous sex life. I expect you have a shitton of medical info and pamphlets etc. telling you your sex life is gonna be just peachy and that there's really nothing to worry about, but I know from experience that it worries the fuck out of you anyway. Who wouldn't worry? They're your fun bits. I mean, when you look at the journey from childhood to adulthood, sex is pretty much the only thing in the plus column for adulthood, amirite?

So I just wanted to give you a personal-experience example that, yes, they're not lying and when it's all done with you will still be able to fuck like the grunting snorting beast you have always been.

Please keep us updated. No, I mean it. Look, if you didn't want us prying into your most personal private business you shouldn't have told us about this, okay? So now that you have, keep us updated.

Aww, nuts. That sucks balls, dude. (Are you laughing? Hope so--I'm a big fan of healing through bad jokes.)

In all seriousness, I'm sending lots of good-health vibes your way, ,.

I've been very fortunate in the health department, a fact that makes me a bit fearful that my luck will run out and I'll be due for a painful, debilitating illness any moment now. My biggest health scare to date (aside from the time I thought I was preggers):

The optometrist noticed a weird spot on my retina near the optic nerve during a routine check-up, and sent me to an ophthalmologist "just in case". The ophthalmologist looked at it and had no clue what it was, so he referred me to another ophthalmologist, who was a "retina expert". Yeah...the retina expert is stumped too. But he's been seeing me regularly over the past year and a half, and the mystery spot isn't growing, at least--so it may have been there all my life, just didn't get noticed until last year. So I'm not as worried as I was at first. I'm going for an eye ultrasound (who knew?!) next week, which will hopefully prove enlightening.

So … dig down there and check ‘em out, for your own good.

------------------------------------------

Waaaaaaaaay ahead of you...

Bslim:
If you 'check' more than 3 times a day you are just playing with yourself.

Awe Tater, sorry to hear, but sometimes these things really do turn out to be nothing, or something manageable.

Age 15-Mlle Provocatrice finds a lump on the back of her leg. Has it removed, and it turns out to be a benign fibroid cyst.

Age 16-Lump grows back, doc leaves a bigger scar cutting it out, but still benign.

Age 19-Mole on left boob doubles in size in one year. Turns out to be precancerous. Damn.

Age 22-Damn thing grows back, doc makes bigger mess cutting it out.

Age-22 to present, have had a few moles looked at because I'm now paranoid, but nothing to be concerned about. Needless to say, the sun and I have reconsidered our relationship, and I've resolved to be pasty white for the rest of my days.

Howdy, y'all.

The good news is, yesterday I had a fairly good looking young woman (a little Hillary Swank, a little Olivia Wilde) AND a man fondling my balls, more or less at the same time. And there was jelly involved! At my age, that's about as close as I can hope to get to a kinky threeway.

The bad news, of course, is:

Hello, One-Nut!

How ya doin', One-Nut!

How's it hangin', One-Nut?

Yep, I'm going to lose a very good friend who's been hanging around me for as long as I can remember.

The good news is, I have a spare, and it seems to be safe for now. Plus I get to make lifelong friends with an oncologist. So ... win!

Oh, and the BEST news is I have all you nuts as friends, and there's no way I can get down or despressed or even feel a little bad when y'all keep me laughing every day. They say laughter is the best medicine. I/we am/are going to prove them right.

Now I'll go back to the top and read the comments, just wanted to get that out before any of you crazy wonderful fuckers make me cry or something stoopid like that.

Tater

Taterbarleybanks I really, really hope you will be ok. Sending lots of Get well vibes and good thoughts. Just grab this cancer by the balls and through his diseased ass in the trash.
Effing Cancer.

Iv always been ok even though everyone in my family is destined to die of cancer or alcoholism (or mafia connections......There is no Mafia Forget I said anything!)
Three of my grandparenst died from pretty horrific cancers and mistakes made by their hospitals and medical staff-SO PLEASE, PLEASE TRIPLE CHECK YOUR DOCTORS! that goes for everyone everyone!

The only major complaint I have is an
arrythmia(sp?) caused by stress, anxiety, caffeine, worry, overexertion...well pretty much anything it was always fine I have an attack once maybe twice a year but seemed to get really bad in the last year, I can get them up to twice a week. I take daily medication to keep the ole' ticker beating at a regular rhythm. Its awful when is skips a few beats though its impossible to breathe or function but thankfully only lasts a few seconds a couple minutes at most. I tend to call my sister (the two time EE winner Nadine) and make her talk to me non stop until the beats regular again.
According to my docs its more annoying then life threatening, I just need to keep an eye on things. Sadly this had lead to a decline in drinking and partying like a rock start until Im sure Iv got everything under control.

Oh and theres my broken toes that I jammed in a door on Wednesday. I have now cracked the knuckle. Thank God for Pajiba as I cant leave the damn house.

Best of luck and condolences. Just a brief overview of some of the more major problems I have had:
Age 16: Facial reconstructive surgery without the benefit of painkillers.
Age 19-30: Scarlet Fever 3 times.
Age 25: An abcessed tonsil so bad the Dr at the free clinic gagged.
No I did not grow up in a third world country I just have the most vengeful immune system ever.

My doc found a lump on my lefty during a sports physical. That ultrasound really is a hoot. My ultrasound technician looked like Bob from That 70's Show.
But the doctor said it was probably just scar tissue.

LWAE just a thought but maybe, Maybe you should steer clear from the horses they do Not seem to like you.

I had a mole removed from my stomach, three stitches and a scar. I was offered the stitches to keep after I had them out. I said no, I mean who would keep them?

But Tater its a thought, maybe you could keep your ball in a jar on the mantlepiece? When guests come by you could point and say 'Yup thats my ball, they mighta took him out but they aint taking him away' then you slip Ol' Ballio into your pocket and take him to a bar, do a few shots, talk about the good old days. He could be the Riggs to your 'Im getting to old and ball-less for this shit' Murtaugh?

I'm thinking of you Bucdaddy, I really am. Best of luck darling, let us know how the procedure goes (procedure is such a sterile stupid word).

i hope that everything works out for you. it must be really scary.

speaking if which, i was (almost) misdiagnosed with late stage throat cancer three years ago; a team of doctors said that it was more than 75% likely that i had it, but the definitive test would take two fucking weeks. i didn't tell anyone but one close friend, and THREE weeks later, it was determined that i was perfectly fine and only had an "inflammation" that went away. it was an interesting experience, to say the least. talk about a quick way to gain perspective on one's life.

my canadian friends laughed about it with me. my american friends told me to sue.

wspanin's response reminds me of this:

other guy runs red light, we connect, both cars do swirls, left side of head smashes HARD against steering wheel, MAJOR concussion. I describe this to the doctor, who proceeds to feel the old noggin. He loudly proclaims, "There's an indent on the side of your head where you hit the steering wheel." I'm pissed my head is now misshapen by some some red-light-running suckhole. So he continues checking, " ... oh, it's nothing, the other side's indented too." Now I'm just pissed at my head.

rest of list:
broken leg, broken leg, broken nose, walking pneumonia, multiple concussions and my proudest accomplishments in the annals of illness - last year's bout of what the medical world refers to as B.A.M.F.F, also known as Bad Ass Mother Fucking Flu. Out dead for six days with a fever of 105.9! [skips around the room waving fingers in the air "Fuck yeah! 105.9!!"]

P.S. My third ball is actually a benign sperma-something. So fine, not technically more balls, but it makes for great conversation ... when I'm trying to go to sleep!

Good luck, Tater. It's been cancer season in my family, with my one grandmother receiving a leukemia diagnosis and my uncle receiving a Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma diagnosis. Both started chemo within a week of each other. Both have other major medical problems as well which may impact treatment.

Worst that's happened to me? I have a bad habit of destroying my legs from the knee down during productions. I pull muscles, tear stuff up in my feet, sprain my ankles, chip my shin bones, and twist my knees. I once tripped over a jazz shoe right before going on stage and had to have my shoe cut off my foot at the end of the night since it swelled up too much; I needed a cane for two weeks afterwards and lost out on another job because of it. I've fallen off stages, walked into open staircases, smashed into flats, tripped over power cords, and dropped heavy keyboards/amps on my feet. I've also fallen out of chairs, off of ramps, and into orchestras. I'm so consistent at it, I'd put it on my resume if I could justify it as a talent.

You'd better believe that we'll be right here to help you laugh right through this whole mofo mess, ,! Best of luck on Wednesday.

celery, whew--that would have been a scare all right! (but lawsuit-worthy? Oh, good grief!)

my foot

Google "testicular torsion," Buc. We can start a support group. We'll call it One For the Road.

Good luck, , sir! I'll be looking out for your updates on the situation.

I don't have any balls available to me for jostling purposes, so I'll just remind my ball-having family and friends to check theirs next time I talk to them (well, they can wait til they're alone, it doesn't have to be right as I'm talking to them...)
Meanwhile, I'll just imagine I'm jostling Jensen Ackles' balls. It won't do any good, but I'll be happy!

Oh, medical dramas? None, unless you count walking pneumonia when in LA a couple of years ago. I refused to believe I was ill and just carried on partying and having fun. When I got back (after a flight spent coughing due to sheer lack of oxygen) I ended up with pills and using two types of inhaler for a month.
Oh, and I got cellulitis in my lower leg after a long hot weekend at a con - my ankles always swell in the heat, but this didn't go down. I did finally limp to the doc a few days later, when it was twice the size of the other leg, to be told that I was a day away from having to be in hospital on a drip, and I could have lost the leg..
I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac, see, I pretend there's nothing wrong with me until I'm forced to admit it and deal with it. Which comes from the same root, really - fear of illness.

, I hope your Nut Removal Procedure is successful and as painless as possible. Also, yay for new friends!

I have injured myself so many ways, I'll just list the major ones:
Age7-12-sprained both ankles multiple times
Age 10-Compound fracture of right forearm from wrestling with Lil Bro
Age 13-Crushed 5 bones in my left wrist while playing in the snow
Age 13-Gouged a strip of skin off of my left shin playing King of the Tiled Wall Between the Pool and the Jacuzzi
Age 15-Walking pneumonia
Age 21-Flu, strep throat, bronchitis,sinus infection. All at the same time. I lived on Gatorade for two weeks.
Age 23-Lump on the back of my head. Several doctors prodding it and saying "I dunno, what do you think?", one ultrasound and one MRI scan later, it was determined to be Not Cancer and Not a Blocked Artery. Then it went away.
I also have tons of scars from childhood injuries and cats and dogs. And a chinchilla. Fuck chinchillas.

As for (other) medical issues, I've already detailed the time I almost cut off my toe. I've broken one leg and both wrists, sprained everything sprainable (the AC joint was the worst) and injured my back to the point I would stand over the toilet and wonder whether I should try to lift the lid or just piss in the bathtub. Right now, I've got an Achilles tendon that aches all the time. I wish it would just tear so I got get surgery and be done with it.

Thank you for this announcement and the space to share these sorts of issues. It's so important and so easy to ignore. GOOD LUCK, BUC!

Now, off to fondle.

@buc--I'm not even sure what you're calling yourself currently, but you're handling it like a gentleman. I hope all goes well on Wednesday, and you're back to entertaining us with the inane in your column as soon as will be possible. First the eye stuff, now this? That is a fool's game, so you're going to beat it, hard.

@Jim Doggie, Robert: That's awful stuff, and I'm sure that the requisite, 'This is how it is' from the doctor was a bracing tonic. Rage more, men, I'll be thinking of you.

Um, let's see: You wouldn't think that allergies would cause any true inconveniences, but that probably means that an errant mould spore hasn't made your eyeball swell nearly out of its socket. It was gross, and itchy.

I was born with a jaw abnormality which prevented me from swallowing or taking proper bites. Long history of painful dentistry, oral surgery and orthodontics to fix that one. A re-set jaw isn't a happy one though, so thank God I live in Canada, where the codeine is cheap and questions aren't asked.

Age eleven: an Alzheimer's denier plowed into the school bus. Left on red? Not a good choice. Cue rehab music. And if you want to hear the best 'My Super Sweet Sixteen' story: Happy Birthday, you're getting hit by a car. Cue rehab music. Now I have chronic pain (fourteen years isn't a huge expanse of time, but it's more than half of my life, and I'd like it back), many 'game' bits, and a fetching little limp that calls out, 'Why wouldn't you want to get with THIS? It's five feet tall, and it LIMPS!

Best of luck and stay positive!!

As for my own injuries that have been giving me trouble lately . . .

3 broken ribs (the same three got broken/cracked twice in 10 years) that, being ribs, just didn't heal right. The weather is freezing here and they are aching terribly. When the pain gets really bad, the muscles in my diaphragm along those ribs start to spasm and I have a hard time breathing. Highly annoying.

General problems with the ovaries. Which leads to massive pain and monthly anemia. I brought my red raspberry leaf tea to work last night, a coworker recognized it and called it lady tea. Which I find hilarious. But it does work.

I haven't had very many injuries growing up, but last year I took a tumble off the ATV. I was Super girl for like 5 seconds before my face and chest broke my fall. I ended up with a gash in my chin and small gouges near my throat. I think I was pretty lucky considering I was riding next to a steep hill that went straight down and my ATV landed upside down a feet from my bleeding face. I didn't need stitches since I'm a fast healer, but I am still traumatized.

My husband is a mess. He is still suffering the effects of walking pneumonia. Because he suffers from so many different respiratory an ear problems, he lives on prednisone. He also have a lump in his salivary glands. Yeah, I will be checking the hubby's balls.

Well Buc, think of it this way: Now she can finally get that magnificent sack in her mouth.

Much respect for the share, man. Now excuse me while I check my joint.

On a sadder note, my sister-in-law was just diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. Again. I'd like to ass-fuck cancer with a barb-wire wrapped Louisville Slugger.

Well doesn't that just suck, Tater - and not the good way. Best of luck. Let us know. If there's something I can do to help, name it.

Meanwhile, your - er - development? matured a thought that's been pupating in my brain since Snuggie's news. So many Pajibs and Pajibettes have had brushes with the little over-excited cells I am beginning to feel the gentle but firm touch Gotopus' dexterous appendage. (Steady. Focus.) Perhaps we are called. Perhaps the aggressive little giblets are our assigned foe?

But how? We are not many of us scientists, nor most of us rich. Even science and money make only slow inroads against this particular plague. What can we do? We are not great or powerful. We have only, well, wiseassery. Yet, there is nothing so bleak that we cannot make with the dark humor. Perhaps this is our special power - the snark, the despite, the love of all that is good that fuels the hate for all that is less, and most of all the laughing.

I see two people walking into a hospital ward. They are recognized & welcomed - known. "Oh, you're them." says one. Someone else points: "Over there." We see them step into a patient's room. Then in a shot over the bed we finally see them - in murdertank t-shirts with "Fuck Cancer" stenciled across. As the shot cuts away, we hear laughter.

Maybe? Why not?

Oh, yeah:

(Not) Hideous Deformities - I have some minor structural anomalies (not what you're thinking - pervs) that are like a small chunk of another person inserted (stop it) into that part of my bod. Thus far nothing's creeped-out a bedmate. Does make the Docs go: "Huh."

Brushes With Death - I thought I was going to die twice so far, with time to think about it. Both my own fault. Drove myself so hard that my body couldn't protect itself any longer and of course ignored the signs until it was acute. Sinus infection that wouldn't kick was one. Other was a respiratory / Upper GI / fever of no particular provenance.

Brushes with Injury - Three times Aikido has saved me from serious injury, rolling out of falls that would have otherwise broken most of my limbs, most of my face or both. Most spectacular was the 3.5 (no twist) up top of Smuggler's Notch when I buried a ski-tip at (way excessive) speed. Most interesting was a brilliantly executed front roll after I stepped, quite drunk, in a hidden pot-hole in the midnight dark of a parking lot in Sofia, Bulgaria.

Listen buc, I am not one bit worried about you, because you are too damned ornery to go anywhere. You just send that sick little twin off to Never Never Land where he can hang with MJ (tell him to look out for wayward hands and Jesopus juice). The other one might be lonely for a few minutes but he can still get drunk and commiserate with the long ranger.

My thoughts are with you.

Had stage 3 inflammatory breast cancer while pregnant. Did chemo, cesarean section, more chemo, surgery and radiation. Am currently going to through life as the uniboober, and it doesn't bother me one bit, as I am currently alive.

You can get through this, whether it's cancer or not. Just face the truth and deal with what comes. We're all pulling for you.

Good luck, , and a speedy recovery!

*Makes note to request photos of Bierce's fetus in fetu be a priority at the next Pajibacon.

Oooh! Forgot the breast biopsy that, all praise to the FSM, turned out to be a cyst. All luck to you.

It's a miracle any Pajibans have lived to today. Clearly, Godtpus, being all-knowing, knew we were going to grow up to be devout worshipers and saved us in advance. Truly, the be-tentacled one sees all.
Best of luck, ,! Anybody who goes only by a punctuation mark has too many balls, anyway. Even Prince had the good sense to stop that shit, and he's clearly nuts. Ha! See what I did there?

I have a tiny scar on my ankle from an overhead projector. It was pushed off its stand and the sharp bit with the mirror hit me and cut down to that little knobby bone. I was maybe 14, at church camp in the middle of rural Montana and it was 2 in the morning - we were playing sardines. I remember bloody footprints on linoleum when I walked down to the group leader to ask for a band-aid. We went to the ER instead. Fun!

I also spiked myself with track spikes the first time I bent the pole while pole vaulting. I was so shocked I let go... before I was over the big squashy pad. I'm an idiot sometimes.

A dear friend had the left one removed two years ago - it was scary, but he's totally fine, and you will be too. You really are - the numbers are totally on your side.

Plus, prosthetic testicle!

Just whip that one out and you'll always be the most interesting guy at the cocktail party.

Stacy D, sadly, I am not the one with the fashionable mini-me. That's Skitz. I just have a couple apparently substitute bits, some internal, all nicely blended and to scale (also sadly.)

Oh, yeah, health-wise I had a rapidly growing mole ... in the same spot where my mother had a melanoma. Fair skinned w/ multiple severe childhood sunburns, and did I mention my mother had Fucking Cancer grow in the exact same spot!?! There was freaking out.

Then, the wound tore open after they took the stitches out & Dr-Guy played the reveal of the pathology results for laughs, too. I shoulda hit him.

Stitches reminds me of running face-first into another kid at 5th grade recess. Glasses and eye-socket scissored across the bottom of one whole eyebrow. So I ran to the nurse w/o bothering with the teacher first - for which I got shit later. Nurse tries to butterfly the thing closed for it seemed like hours. My parents were away, so couldn't give permission to take me to, you know, a doctor. Couldn't reach the backup contacts - grandparents - because the parents were away with guess who?

When I finally talked them into taking me to an e-room because, Hello! Bleeding here! Dr says "This might sting a little" then splashes the molten salt & red-fire ant extract into my wound. Because my hands twitched when this happened - didn't grab Dr. Mengele, didn't squirm, my head stayed right put - he calls a couple of intern-types to hold me down. At this point I lost patience so told him that it didn't "sting", it hurt like hell, and if he hadn't lied to me I wouldn't have been surprised and moved. Sadly, at 10, I hadn't yet learned to swear effectively.

On reflection I'm recalling knocking myself out:

- Falling out of a tree, flat on my back, head on a rock. Note to self: You can't swat the yellowjacket & hold the tree with the same hand.

- Clipping my chin on the side of the pool. Note to self: If you're gonna jump in backwards, clear the side.

- Dropping the bike. On a workout ride I was doing circles at speed in a parking lot while my girlfriend caught up. I saw the oil patch before I hit it - "This is gonna suck." Didn't black out until I'd come to a stop & sat up to take inventory. Next thing I remember, my GF and the nice stranger-lady in the housecoat were hovering over me looking concerned. Of course I rode home. I did start wearing a helmet. After a while.

Then there's the time the motorcycle fell on me (vs. the times I just fell off it.)

Firstly,TCFKAB, best of luck and we're all happy you caught it early.
Secondly, jim of the lower case, girls are very dangerous if you call them names. In junior high there was a girl, let's call her...Jolene Evans. I once called her a whore. She picked up a pencil like Jason picks up his machete and said "Say that again."

"YOU'RE A WHORE!"

The funny thing is, as painful as it is to pick graphite out of your knee, the tetanus shot afterwards hurt so much longer. Good times.

The moral of the story is I now no longer call teenage girls whores. Unless they are appearing on that Sweet Sixteen show, and then they can't hear me.

I saw a guy in a porno once with one ball. It really didn't seem to affect his performance. And, the camera angles were much less obstructed, so there's that to look forward to.

Buc, I'm thinking of you! Hope you and the lonely twin get along fine. Remember the baseball player John Kruk? He had to have the same procedure done and first game back he was wearing a shirt that said, "Only playing with one ball!" AWESOME!
You should get one of those!
As for me, my reproductive system decided it hated me. After 6 months of agony I was diagnosed with endometreosis. 4 surgeries and 7 years later I finally just got the whole shebang removed and feel a million times better. Plus sex rocks so much more when you don't have to deal with the whole pregnancy/period issue. So I call that a win.
Good luck and keep us posted!
p.s. FUCK CANCER!!!!

Hey, just remembered a story about a friend of mine. When he was a kid about 10 or 11 he was playing hide and seek in the woods when he bumped into that gang from the 'bad' school (eveil little shits who would cut you as soon as they look at you) So he did what anyone would do in that situation and ran like hell.
During his escape he tried to jump over a fallen log. I say tried because he grossly misjudged the size of the log and came down hard right on top of it. There was a broken branch sticking up and it impaled his left testicle. He had to have said testicle removed. As you can imagine for a kid his age this was a nightmare, but you know what? hes fine now, he never had a problem with the girls (in fact it work the opposite all the girls wanted to get with him because he was different and they wanted to see if he could 'do it') Apparently it made him better in bed because he tried harder and had become more creative. Hes now very successful in business and with woman. So maybe having one ball in a good luck charm? God takes away a ball but gives you loads of poon?

I know this has nothing to do with cancer but I just thought that maybe it would help hearing about others in a similar situation?

Just thought of a couple of other scars. When I was 18 months I ran full pelt into a marble pillar on holiday while my dad laughed. The bruise was so big the airport very nearly refused to let me on the plane as they thought it was a disease. I have been left with a permanent indent above my eyebrow, its only noticably when I raise my eyebrows but you can feel the way my skull dips in for about an inch across all the damn time. Im 25 now and my dad still occasionaly feels the dent and says 'Thats a great scar that one'. Freak.

When I was 7 I was playing manhunt and this awful boy (who 7 years later, I let get to 3rd base with me in the back of a classroom while the hot male teacher totally watched, yeah thanks self esteem) pushed me into a rose bush and a wierdly long thorn went through my eyelid. Half a centimetre lower and I would have lost the eye. As it stands I have a permanent lump of scar tissue were the doctors applied the stitches wrong and didnt straighten the skin. My mum took me to a plastic surgeon a couple months later and we were sat in the waiting room with burns victims, reconstructive surgery patients.....we were mortified all I had was this fairly small scar above my eye. Anyway the surgeon said if I ever wanted to sorted I could get it done but I sort of like it and its kind of unoticable now and I tell people I was in a bar fight.

T!

All my love to your junk. I will poor one out for our fallen comrade. I'm one-dering about nicknames. (Get it!)

"Lefty"
"Righty" (ironically of course)
"L"
"Big L"
"Big aL"
"Cyclops"
"Gynormo"
"Monster-One"

Myself, I'm looking back on: Peach-sized benign cyst in right breast at 16. Car versus telephone pole at 17 that resulted in an ass-whipping. Three day hospitalization after nearly dying of complications of mono (dehydration) at 29. Inconsequential nut lump in the Mr. (36), inconsequential breat lump in me (37).

Looking forward, almost with certainty to, prostate C in the boy, my own battle with breast C, diabetes, and high blood pressure. Still considering myself lucky as hell. I'm sending some your way, but you probably won't need it.

Wait, Tater is Bucdaddy?
---
The same!

LindsEy, There's a market for one-ball porn?

Hmmm ...

*reconsiders "career" trajectory*

I haven't mentioned all my other maladies, including glaucoma and the three stents in my heart. But the scariest thing was/is Meniere's Syndrome. A few years ago I started having extreme dizzy spells, I mean, vomiting, room-spinning, flat-on-my-back wish-for-death dizzy. After a few of these at somewhat increasing frequency I went to an audiologist who ran a battery of tests and made the Meniere's diagnosis.

Meniere's is a strange thing. Nobody knows what causes it. The only way they diagnose it is by eliminating everything else it could be. When they've done that, they say, yep, you've got Meniere's.

There's also no cure, which means right now I have it for life. Most sufferers can, however, mitigate the symptoms. For some people, cutting out caffeine or salt works. I did both, plus I started taking a water pill every few days to get excess fluid out of my system. One or the combination of those things has been successful. I haven't had an attack in 2-3 years.

But some people never find anything that works, and basically cannot hold a job or live anything approaching a normal life. I am really glad that's not me. LOTS worse things can happen than to lose a nut.

Much good luck to you, Tater.

About 10 years ago I had this kind of achy feeling in my upper left shoulder/arm/chest area. I noticed it one evening, thought maybe I should go to the ER but it wasn't really all that bad, you know? Next day it was more painful and I mentioned it to my second mom (mentor at work) and she said I should get to the ER but I blew that off. Until later in the day when I mentioned it to a friend at work, and he and second mom said to go to the ER and friend would drive me if needs be.

"All right, damn it, I'll go to the ER." My friend, Vic, drives me, goes in with me and says he'll stick around for a while. The nice intake nurse takes all the vitals, asks what's up. I say something about achy left shouldery area, mostly in upper left arm, radiating into chest. I go up to ultrasound and they Doppler my arm. A few minutes after they finish, the doc comes in and tell me that I need to let Vic know that he can go home because I ain't leaving the hospital for a long time. Turns out I had a deep vein thrombosis aka blood clot in my arm. I was in the hospital for five weeks and then off work for six and then half days for another six. And I got twice a day belly shots for about six weeks.

That was fun.

This comment diversion is truly depressing. Only skimmed through it cos i couldn't bear reading every last detail. Makes you realise how lucky you are to be relatively healthy. I can't talk of any major ailments or deformities.

When I was a child some kid stuck his finger in my eye. I was seeing really blurry but even though I told my mum she ignored me and told me I'll be ok. When I nagged so much she took me to a doctor who told her "take him to hospital soon before he goes blind". Had to live with an eye-patch (go pirates!) and dark sunglasses for quite a while.

When I was young I was also taken to a doctor to check out if I have one leg longer than the other or some deformity. Doc says I'm fine but I have a weird way of walking swinging from one way to the other like a ship on the high seas. My mum's been trying to teach me how to walk properly ever since. At least her shouts and screams of ending up in a wheelchair or with metal legs (like Forrest Gump) if I don't walk properly never materialised.

I remember being hit by a tennis racket (on purpose) over my eyebrow once which ended up with me getting butterfly stitches. A teacher once pushed me when I was carrying a heavy bag of books because he was angry at me. I fell and hit the skirting of the wall which meant I had to get butterfly stitches right above my other eyebrow.

Cut my thumb deeply with a knife once which still shows.

I get random pains sometimes somewhere where my heart is. Think I'll die from a heart attack.

I get scared shitless by diseases. While reading this thread and typing this I'm practically cowering under the table and I want someone to give me a hug and tell me it's all gonna be ok and we will all live till we're disgustingly old.

I came up with the one nut porn idea before I read Lindsey with an e's post so good to see we're on the same wavelength.

Can anyone think of any movie characters who have only one nut. The only one I can think of is Mr.Focker from Meet The Fockers. Pray people don't start calling you Mr.Focker Tater.

Buc, you've got my support bro, balls out and all that.

Hey Barf, they tested the Tree guy and found a cure for him but he wont take it because he actually gets more money being mocked and abused in a circus than he would have a regular job. Its so sad.

Thanks for that little bit of info Nieve. It truly is sad. It does raise an interesting question though. Would Prince Randian have accepted if limbs could have somehow been fitted on him? Frankly I doubt it. He was his own man. he toured carnivals and circuses for forty-five years. He became internationally famous thanks to Browning's film. He spoke four languages, was said to be witty and funny, he was married and had four children. Certainly lived a full life. I do think Tree-Man's situation is worse though. He should get medical help as soon as possible.

This thread just reminded me of another beautiful movie: The diving Bell and the Butterfly, the paralysed editor of Elle magazine who wrote a book using his left eye (based on a true story). So after reading this whole thread these are the two movies you should watch.

Freaks

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0022913/

The Diving Bell and The Butterfly

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401383/

Man, I am sorry to hear that. Best of luck and medical care to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

I haven't read through all of these because I have a shit-ton of work to do today, but I'll add my own stories.

So far I've been fortunate enough to not have any brushes with death. My aunt is going through a year-long chemo treatment for breast cancer, so I'm a little paranoid about doing my breast self-exams once a month.

My main health issues are:
Migraines: Fucking awful ones. At their worst I get an aura of tingling and numbness down the left side of my body and I lose the ability to comprehend speech. Yeah. That aura started about 2 and a half years ago and I thought I was having a stroke when it happened. I've gone through 2 years of chiropractic treatment for it and as a result I haven't had one that bad in nearly a year. The real laugh is how my headaches got to be that bad. When I was a circus performer not only did I have to do all sorts of weird shit with my body but I sustained several closed head injuries vis-a-vis a flaming ball of kevlar hitting me in the head several times at 70 mph. Yep, I gave myseld head injuries. 'Jibans, if you or your children ever decide to join a circus, seek chiropractic care. Trust me.

A severe topical allergy to coconut and all of its chemical derivatives: That means, I can eat it and be fine but if I use coconut products or chemical derivatives anywhere but my lower arms and lower legs (which are mysteriously not reactive), I look I've been stung by a gigantic, pissed off ant. It's a little tough to work around because coconut and its chemical derivatives are in EVERYTHING.

And since we're being honest, I also suffer from IBS. It's a pain in the ass. *rimshot*

why does everytime someone mentions my name, the topic is testicles?

Man, Buc! You have my sympathy. I'll be sure to pour one out for Lefty on Wednesday, while I look for your update. In the meantime, I'm sending all the healing thoughts I can.

Also, my mom had Meniere's too! Small world. I remember her taking shots every day, but I don't remember what was in'em.

My wonky scary health history:

-On Valentines day, my mom went into labor with me. Her water broke and everything. And it was when I was due. BUT the doc took a look at future me and said that I was waaaaaaay too underdeveloped to survive outside the womb (mom drank alot). So he stopped the labor and let future me hang out in a womb with no amniotic fluid for a little while longer. Not the safest thing, but he was certain it was my best bet. 3 weeks later I'm born with all my fingers, toes, and senses, and a moderately well-functioning brain. My immune system was screwed, so I had to stay in the incubator while tubes fed all sorts of medicine into my blood stream. But after that I was pretty much ok.

-At the risk of getting gross, I was diagnosed with Von Willebrand as an adolescent, during my second period. I hemorraged like crazy and nearly needed a blood transfusion. My birth control pills now keep everything relatively under control. Except I can't donate blood. It also means that if I'm in an accident, have surgery, or have a baby, the doctors need to have lots of extra blood on hand because I bleed a lot more than I'm supposed to.

- Stardust, I feel you on the migraines! I got my first when I was 8 and have been getting them at least once a month ever since. As I've gotten older, they've been getting more frequent, with new olfactory auras, dizziness, and visual disturbances to go with the traditional pain and vomiting. Whee! I've also found relief from a chiropractor, and a neurologist recently put me on a low dosage anti-anxiety/antidepressant. At least one of them is working, because the migraines have gotten a lot less frequent and much easier to tame.

Ok, so my life is topsy turvy right now, so I don't have time to read everything in full detail here. :-P YET. I look forward to coming back to this thread to see what gruesome injuries and ailments we've all survived!

Diablo:

Fuck dude, you're hardcore. If it helps on the childhood thing, my right femur broke when I slipped on the ice as mom was dropping me off that morning at daycare. Apparently my screams were too much for her too bare, so she just left me there all day, and when she came to pick me up at the end of the day, all red and weak as a wet kitten, she thought 'Maybe I should have him checked out.'

On the incredible story of Tree-man, check out his recovery. Not complete, but less freakish:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8v3VzEyp88&feature=related

Somehow the bad shit in my life pales in comparison to suffering in the third-world.

Good luck with the boys Buc, I really hope you get your good news.

As for the diversion...Well I have a million scars, most recent one was due to dropping a huge fucking knife on my foot, resulting in a really nice gash, and a huge bruise. Most of my scars are the result of my stupidity. Falling off of a brick wall while playing American Gladitors and breaking my two front teeth out can be chaulked up to youth (3rd grade). However, I have a couple scars that are actually pretty interesting.

The multiple little scars on my back, hips, arms, hands, and legs? Well that would have been the time I was thrown from a 1979 Bronco side window when I was 16. Thrown out of the vehicle on the 3rd roll, according to the investigators (car rolled an estimated 7-8 times) . 5 people in the vehicle, everyone ejected, no fatalities. I consider myself lucky on this one.

The scar on the very outer corner of my eye? I was hit in the face...with a cup...by a bum. Yeah, you read it right. A bum, threw a cup, which hit ME in the face. Wrong place, wrong time kind of thing, it wasn't meant for me. I was the one getting stitches at 4 a.m. however, also it got me the nickname Stitch.

I broke my tailbone when I was 19 or 20. That sucked. I think I've talked about that enough though.

I guess it has been about 6 years since I had my upper and lower jaws broken, repositioned, and then my jaws wired shut for 6 weeks. That is horrible. I lost a bunch of weight, which was awesome, and then got pregnant unexpectedly 4 months later and gained a shit-ton of weight back. The weight gain was horsepoops.

I used to have my right eyebrow pierced but it started to droop. Instead of taking it out, I ripped it from my brow, leaving an annoying scar.

I went creekin' once and had to borrow a pair of shoes that were a little too big for me. We went to step over a barbed wire fence and the toe of the right shoe caught the fence. I didn't realize this and kept walking, dragging the barbed wire across my left calf, slicing it open.

I have a scar on my chin from when I was a wee lass and slipped in the tub. One of my teeth went through my lip/chin area.

My right thumb doesn't bend correctly because I slammed it in a dryer door once. Another time I (yes, I, as in me) stepped on it.

My brother once broke my little toe with a book. That he threw at me from across the room. That then landed on the joint of my little toe, snapping it.

And good luck to you, Sir Tater. I hope that you make a full and quick recovery.

I forgot to go through the whole medical history thing. It appears I'm pretty middle of the road here-not perfect, but mostly things I can live with. I was born with two club feet (don't do drugs during pregnancy folks!) but it's been pretty treatable-I had a series of orthepedic surgeries, and for a while I wore those Forrest Gump braces. Yeah, I was up for the role of the Tin Woodsman in the school play in 7th grade, but I didn't get the part because the teacher was afraid I'd get shit for having braces on stage. It all worked out though, and now I just have about 60% of the standard range of motion.
I was diagnosed with diabetes at 31. Type 1, adult onset. The doctor told me at diagnosis that some of his patients just took meds, and at worst insulin was years away. 6 months later I'm shootin' up! For a while anyway-I'm working on the pump, which is cool in a cyborgy type of way. Still, these are managable things, and after reading some of these stories, I'll just shut up and count my blessings.

The HOTTEST interracial club__MixedConnect *.* C O M___for black Women and white Men, or black Men and white Women, to interact with each other. Interracial is not a problem here, but a great merit to cherish!

Just a quick note wishing you good luck with the treatment. I'm glad they caught it early and have a good prognosis.

BucDaddy/Comma Chameleon: I'm hoping with the rest of us that you're getting it at just the right time and will have a hell of a bar story concocted (heh) by the time you're healed up.

If you're a little behind, well, my father in law walked around with radiated nuclear pellets in his nutsac that basically floated around and killed off cancer cells and what not and kept him away from my pregnant sister in law (but I think that was okay with him actually). He made it out healthy and perky (although I truly wish I didn't know that last bit).

I believe you've got the passion and power to fight what needs fighting, and the humor to laugh it off if it starts to weigh you down. Plus, you've got us.

And, the one meaningful thing my mate will ever have said is this:

"If you have your arms and legs on, if your head works like it's supposed to, if you aren't bleeding all over the floor - then life is just fine. You got nothing to cry about until the very end, and if you have time to cry, you aren't doing it right!"

I think that too. Keep on truckin', BucDaddy. I look forward to your update. I am particularly inerested in whether or not you start veering in one direction or another when you walk.

Hah! "The Uni-Baller." I'm going with that one.

Blood work/EKG/chest X-ray today, CAT scan tomorrow, snip-snip Wednesday.

"The Days Are Just Packed"

Thanks, everyone!

...nuclear pellets in his nutsac ... nuclear pellets in his nutsac ... why does that sound famili-... Holy shit, Replica, your father in law is the Green Goblin?!