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All the Noise, Noise, Noise, Noise

By Sarah Larson | Posted Under Comment Diversions | Comments (70)

the-grinch.jpg

I woke up on Monday covered in bruises. Now, some people might assume that this was because I helped my sister move all weekend, but those people are STUPID DUMBHEADS. A sensible person would know that it’s because of all the kung fu fighting I do in my sleep (those cats were fast as lighting, yo). That really has nothing to do with anything, it’s just always surprising when you go to get in the shower and you find a series of large contusions and wonder for a minute if you got into an epic bar brawl and then you forgot all about it on account of the vodka. Then you remember that you effing can’t stand vodka, so you probably just bumped into a bunch of shit or dropped a house on yourself or something. Business as usual and whatnot.

In other news, this week in Things That Smell, we learned over on The Facespace that Optimus Rhyme doesn’t like the movie Elf. Other things we learned about Optimus Rhyme: he is a Communist, he shattered Tim Cratchit’s leg when he drop-kicked him out an eighth story window, he eats pizza slices crust-first, he keeps his junk bald with an Epilady, he smells like beef and cheese and he sits on a throne of lies. Let us all bow our heads for a moment of pity.

Moooving on, I seriously need to know who amongst you holds any fondness for that Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmastime” song. Raise your little e-hands, and please form a line to the left and patiently wait your turn to get Tasered in the face. YOU PEOPLE are the ones causing my suffering. YOU are the reason that song is played 6,183 times a day. If it weren’t for YOU FREAKOS, we would only have to contend with that fucking “Christmas Shoes” song (seriously kid, Jesus don’t give a shit what your dead mother has on her damn feet so quit yer whining and GET A JOB, FREELOADER, cuz the rest of us ain’t payin’ for some shoes just so you can run around tarting up corpses like they’re going to underground fancy dress parties).

Now whilst discussing the holiday shit that’s currently making you homicidal, I need y’all to tell me what to get my brother for Christmas. He’s the only person I have left to shop for, and I have noooo idea what to get him. I was going to give him a punch in the face (it’s nostalgic!) but that’s not really a gift that keeps on giving unless I follow him around and keep punching, and quite frankly that sounds exhausting. I gotta go bake a lemon chiffon cake so that I can eat the entire thing, and then when I’m in the throes of Sudden Onset Diabeetus, maybe I’ll be struck by inspiration. Otherwise I’ll just put a bow on the cat and stuff him in my brother’s mailbox.

Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good, but is currently stuck inside with three children running around in circles in their swimsuits and playing the Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 soundtrack on repeat. She is wondering why the lambs won’t stop screaming.







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Comments

A fanged Fleshlight is the obvious choice, though that might be a creepy gift for one's brother. Y'all are in Minnesota; could he use a new pair of seal-skin mukluks or perhaps a a whale-blubber lamp?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 16, 2009 5:05 PM

Having to worry about people buying me a gift after we've explicitly agreed not to exchange gifts. Shit drives me up a wall. Esp. cause if they do end up getting me something I look like an asshole.

Posted by: Pandemic at December 16, 2009 5:05 PM

If he's like my brother...he is a manboy. Get him an airhog.

Hate the Paul McCartney song and anything by the TransSiberian Orchestra.

I Love ELF! What's your favorite color?

Posted by: wsapnin at December 16, 2009 5:07 PM

What's that, I didnt actually read the question. Shame on me. Not knowing your brother, I can only suggest some sort of appropriate decoration for his place of residence. Perhaps a movie wall hanging (not a poster, that shit's cheap and falls apart.)

Posted by: Pandemic at December 16, 2009 5:10 PM

How about a nice parka for those warm Minnesota summers?

Posted by: logar at December 16, 2009 5:16 PM

I like Christmas. It's my favorite.

Perhaps your brother would like to have you donate his present to me. You know, charity-like or some shit. I'll take a Target gift card so that when I go in there and spend a hundred bucks, only eight of it will come out of my own pocket.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at December 16, 2009 5:17 PM

Star Wars Lego. If he's artsy/hipstery, Frank Llllllloyd Wright Lego. If he's kinda slow, Duplo Lego with bunnies, carrots and a wheelbarrow.

Also fun - Playmobil Bank Robbers.

Hmmm...beer hat? Pocket Billiards Keychain? Tekkan 6?

That's all I got right now.

Posted by: replica at December 16, 2009 5:18 PM

I need those shoes for my diabeetus (your cake ain't got nothin' on my A1C, bitch). Keeps the circulation going good. And you wouldn't know fuck-all about our fancy-dress parties. This year it's an S&M theme and the boy got me some Fuck-Me Boots. They and a stiff breeze make for a damn fine costume. Damn toasty, they are, even if nothing else is.

Now try to get that image out of your head when you hear that song.

(p.s. to the author-- you are awesome and I laughed hard despite my inebriated state. Hearts and kisses your way, lass, in a totally platonic and only mildly sexy way)

Posted by: Tarted-up corpse (formerly Cat) at December 16, 2009 5:19 PM

"Wonderful Christmastime" causes massive family brawls every Christmas. My father and I, the sensible ones, absolutely hate it. Seriously, I hate that song to the point that I actually dread Christmastime every year simply due to the inescapable ubiquity if that song. My mother and sister, however, start oozing Christmas cheer every year around thanksgiving and insist on torturing us with it at every opportunity.

Posted by: Soothsayer at December 16, 2009 5:21 PM

Get him something off of ThinkGeek, or a similar trinket site that isn't as geek-oriented. That's the best place to shop for gifts that are kind of awesome on the outside but ultimately vague and maybe a bit useless.

Like collapsible chopsticks. One of my friends got me collapsible chopsticks for christmas last year and I was SO HAPPY and.... then I realized I'm not like, a stealth sushi spy agent, and also any place that has sushi also has disposable wooden chopsticks, so I'm never actually in a position where I can save the day by going "Wait, *I* know! Let me assemble my trusty metal chopticks!"

I still love the hell out of those things though. They even came in a little red pouch on a string, so I can wear them around with me. Which I don't do because I'm a big enough loser without incriminating evidence weighing me down. And I am still not a sushi spy agent.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at December 16, 2009 5:21 PM

Oh yeah, a gift for the brother...

Here's what I'm getting for the males I'm fond of. New Belgium Brewing Company has dropped the prices of their globe glasses to $4.99 apiece, and if you buy two 12-packs you can get a buy-one-get-one-free deal and free shipping. They're fucking sweet and nicely cheap as well, which is nice. If he is a man with any alcoholic taste at all, I bet he'll appreciate it.

http://www.newbelgium.com/winterfolly#/welcome

And I'm still enjoying the two 12-packs that got my that nice deal. Clearely.

*hic*

Posted by: Tarted-up Corpse (formerly Cat) at December 16, 2009 5:23 PM

This year I'm completely bummed because I don't have a job and I can't afford to give anyone gifts.

The Xmas songs don't bother me much because I never listen to the radio except in the shower (shower radio! Can't live without it) where, I admit, Wonderful Christmastime occasionally plays and it gets on my sodding wick whenever it does.

I hate Elf too. It's faux sentimental and dumb and not funny. Suck it.

Your brother NEEDS some X-rated dinosaur wall art. If you'd rather save that gloriousness to give him as a wedding gift, you can explore the rest of Regretsy at your leisure.

You're most welcome.

Posted by: Jerce at December 16, 2009 5:25 PM

Jesus, just ask him what he wants. Why do people always have to make it a surprise, and then you have to smile and pretend like you really wanted a gift certificate to the Flesh Cheetos Tattoo Parlor and Piercing Pagoda?

Posted by: BWeaves at December 16, 2009 5:26 PM

I despise all things Christmas.

When I was a small boy, I loved the holiday. THE HOLIDAY. I loved the snow, the eggnog, the presents (duh). I LOVED it. THE HOLIDAY.

Then all of a sudden I started noticing that christmas commercials started earlier every year. I wondered if they always had or if I had only just noticed it. Then all of a sudden it was the whole month of December.

FUCK YOU, DECEMBER.

Then, all of a sudden it was right after Thanksgiving.

FUCK YOU, BLACK FRIDAY.

Then it started to be all of November, begining the day after f-ing Halloween (holiday supreme sweetness -- maybe I love candy and dressing up more than presents -- bears further evaluation).

For a while I was able to hang on to my love of THE HOLIDAY while despising the approaching months of Christmas glee. Eventually, I could not hold onto that joy any longer. The eggnog went sour (not just sour -- but SOUR, like Pascal says it in Pet Semetary). The songs became shrill, obnoxious, deviant cries of whailing horror, like the haunted cries of a thousand rotting Banshees. Even the gifts -- the precious gifts -- I came to resent.

I hate Christmas. All things Christmas. I hate THE HOLIDAY.

Posted by: superasente at December 16, 2009 5:27 PM

Oh yeah, get him an Xbox 360 elite with a Netflix subscription. He'll love it.

Posted by: superasente at December 16, 2009 5:28 PM

I'm not really religious (believe in God and Jesus but don't regularly worship) and I celebrate Christmas, but I work at a Conservative Jewish college. Many people are very tolerant and welcoming (I was taught how to play with the dreidel yesterday by the Israelis and the American Jews and I won! Fist pump!) but there is an older woman who is right wing Christian who gets pissed at the fact that the school doesn't advertise "Christmas" on their calendars and no one says "Merry Christmas" (most say "Happy Chaunukkah" or "have a good holiday".) Seeing that this woman also voted for Bush TWICE and watches Fox News, I had to delicately explain that since we're at a college that's mostly Conservative/Orthodox Jewish, most of them don't celebrate Christmas (in Israel it's not a holiday) and that by saying "Happy Holidays" they're including all of us (very ethnic staff from many countries.) All the right wingers can say I'm taking the Christ out of Christmas, but to me it's just good sense: it's arrogant to think that everyone around me is celebrating the same thing, and instead of the awkwardness of "Merry Christmas slash Chaunukkah slash Kwanzaa slash Ramadan!" I get the same bang for my buck with "Happy Holidays".

As an attachment to that, I don't care if people put up religious stuff in public places. My issue is you can't have one thing without the other. If you're at a mall and they have a Christmas tree and a menorah, no one can complain if they have a Muslim or Kwanzaa item because it "makes them uncomfortable"...a.k.a "brown people are terrorists" so we don't have to represent them." It's everybody or nobody!

Posted by: scorzi at December 16, 2009 5:29 PM

Seeing as your brother is a man, get him a copy of Dragon Age Origins for whatever system he would desire most, be it XBOX or PC.

It's pretty much a given that "Here Come's Santa Claus" is the worst Christmas song ever written. It doesn't even make any sense.

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Clause, right down Santa Clause lane.

Posted by: George at December 16, 2009 5:30 PM

GET HIM MY NEW INVENTION! GET HIM MY NEW INVENTION! NOWNOWNOW!

Okay, actually it's not my invention, per se, but so effing what... Get him four of them there Fleshlight thingies Tracer mentioned up top, connect them together at the ends and VOILA! How cool is that for a Christm...

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T GET IT? It's a goddam whackadilly wiener machine for when the fellas are hanging out and there's nothing better to do! Imagine the delight on the faces of your brother's freinds when they turn off that friggin' video game whatchamafrick and have a "Who Can Finish First" contest? Huh? HUH?!

And talk about teamwork! Johny's facing opposite Jimmy and neither one's gonna have an ounce of fun unless they work together, catfish? Well, you add another two hombres to that mix, and you're looking at an R-Rated BOP-IT!. There you go! No need to tha...

NO IT'S NOT THE SAME THING AS A CIRCLE JERK! JESUS CRABCAKES! Listen Sarah - your brother's pendulum swings that way, more power to him. However, should he wanna kill some time with the guys in a groovy, completely heterosexual way, the Four-Way Fleshlight is the way to go. The. Motherhumping. Way. To. Go.

Trust me on this - I'm a certified Party Planner...

Police Noppy Dot,
Skittimus Maximus Esquire, III
Certified Party Planner

Posted by: Skitz at December 16, 2009 5:30 PM

There is a Bacon of the Month club.

That is all.

Posted by: scorzi at December 16, 2009 5:31 PM

I'm not sure about your brother, but somebody needs to send Linus to superasente stat.

Posted by: Antietam at December 16, 2009 5:33 PM

Skitz-

I was waiting for you to extol the easy clean-up...

and then I thought about it....


...and now I wish I hadn't.

Posted by: Tarted-Up Corpse at December 16, 2009 5:35 PM

Never mind her, tell me what to get my brother, dammit! (Ah, who am I kidding. iTunes gift card it is. Again.)

Okay, folks--unless any of you also happen to work out at Curves, I do not want to hear you bitching about bad Christmas tunes. Try listening to all the perkiest classics, set to a chipper old-lady-workout beat. All goddamned month long. ARGH! Am seriously considering taking up running instead.

Posted by: meaux at December 16, 2009 5:46 PM

Just get him a subscription to Pajiba. Tell him it cost $100 and you already set up his computer to log him in automatically so he never has to worry about it. I've been giving people subscriptions to free internet sites for years.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at December 16, 2009 5:47 PM

Posted by: vikky at December 16, 2009 5:51 PM

I hate my town's misguided holiday beautification effort. They've labeled it Winterfest, and it has been an unmitigated disaster.

The town Christmas tree was always at the easily accessible fire department next to the old library/now barely open town museum. It was a gorgeous tree that had grown for years. New town council members decided the tree lighting had to be at the town hall on the outskirts of town and threatened to prevent the firehouse tree from lighting up.

Now, that beautifully tree mysteriously was sprayed with bleach and hacked at with an axe. A new tree was donated by the local farm/nursery and that, too, was mysteriously killed. Now a third tree is up, smaller than the other two, and I doubt it will make it to Christmas because of new mysterious circumstances. Decorations on the tree have been pulled off and handmade standalone decorations have been mysteriously returned to their town-approved storage shed without decorators' knowledge.

The town council's tree has already been disassembled. If you didn't see it the night of the lighting, you didn't get to see it. It was too expensive to light up with all not-energy efficient bulbs and overly priced ornaments.

On the 20th, the town lighting competition starts, and there's no way in a town this large, with that many houses so far apart, and such a large difference in incomes that everyone has a fair shot. The winners undoubtedly will come from the richest neighborhoods in town (filled with mcmansions and sprawling properties), and I doubt the judges will ever visit my lower middle class neighborhood where more people than not have entered the contest. They also request that every entrant leave their lights on through 20 January, which will result in more police complaints from non-celebratory neighbors. A elderly friend has had a neighbor call the police on her every day for two weeks for having too many lights in her yard. Our next door neighbor has been told to shut down a set of lights that play music. And I've had it out with the police over strategically placed floodlights that one neighbor lied and said were were pointing into the road; they're not.

And a Merry Christmas to you, too, town full of vandals and grinches.

Posted by: Robert at December 16, 2009 5:55 PM

I never much cared for Christmas before, but I spent the past two years in Prague, and Christmas there is beautiful. There are Christmas lights everywhere and all the parks get filled with Christmas stalls. As a country that is mostly atheists, it isn't a religious holiday but is similar to US Thanksgiving, but with Christmas decorations and gifts. Plus, if there were Christmas carols I didn't know it cause they were all in Czech. Now I in Hawaii and I have to say, for the first time I am really missing holiday cheer. Hawaii just is not the place to be for any winter celebration of lights because their is no winter here.
As for your brother, I always get my brother a movie. Usually something we watched together as a child, which makes the gift thoughtful on two levels. One, he had a great movie to watch any time he wants to, and two he can remember happy childhood memories of the family watching the movie together. Gods, I sound like a sap. Oh well.

Posted by: Morgan LaFai at December 16, 2009 6:00 PM

I hate Welcome Christmastime, but not as much as I hate that "last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away" song (which I won't dignify by looking up it's name. Give your brother this

http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/unisex/popculture/baf9/

because it's the best fucking thing ever to exist. Anyone who wants to get me a Christmas present (or a Hanukkah present, I do both), please check the above link for ideas.

Posted by: esme at December 16, 2009 6:04 PM

I'm with scorzi--I'm annoyed with people getting their knickers in a twist over whether someone says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas or whatever. I have loads of fundamentalist Christian family members and one of them posted this link to their Facebook page the other day: http://lc.org/index.cfm?PID=17981 It's a list of "naughty" and "nice" retailers based on whether they use the word Christmas enough. Totally stupid. I figure I'm on the naughty list myself since my holiday cards only say "Happy Holidays" and something about a wonderful year to come. The fundies in my family would never dream of being inclusive.

For the brother...hmm...I don't know as I gave up on gifting my brothers years ago. My sis and I get each other stuff because we like the same stuff. My suggestion: matching socks and underwear. Men always seem to need more socks and underwear that aren't holey.

Posted by: lainiefig at December 16, 2009 6:08 PM

Dear Godtopus, words can't describe the degree to which I fucking hate that Paul McCartney song. Senior year of high school (I'm 20, so this wasn't long ago) it led to me telling my Comp class that Christmas music makes me want to punch kittens. I got some appalled gasps, but I don't take it back. Sorry kittens, don't blame me, blame Paul.

Posted by: Woody at December 16, 2009 6:10 PM

Oh and for your brother, perhaps a cool t-shirt from some cult-ish movie that he likes?

Posted by: Woody at December 16, 2009 6:11 PM

Where do you start with christmas things that drive you mad? It's all a bit insane to me and very fake. For the month of December we pretend that everything is perfect and that we love everybody. We hear loads of stupid songs on the radio. We get a bunch of lame ass movies at the cinema. We give some money to charity not to feel guilty the rest of the year. We overdose on food and drink. We buy presents for each other. We have flashing lights all over town and we have discussions on whether saying happy christmas is politically correct. Then there's people asking "what are you going to do on new year's eve?" and establishments chargin extremely high prices to organise shitty new year's eve parties. First you say you won't go to a new year's eve party next year until inadvertently you find yourself at one again the next remembering that like last year's this party ain't worth the money.

I like starting a new year. It makes me feel refreshed putting a year behind me and starting a new page but during christmas time I find myself wanting to return to normalcy. Also, Christmas time is the most lonely time in the year if you happen to be alone.

As for the present, I don't know. I don't really do the presents thing. Movies, books, records, alcohol or fine cigars make fine presents as far as I'm concerned though.

Posted by: barf at December 16, 2009 6:11 PM

His very own copy of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (Animated awesomeness not hideous Jim Carry Movie). Sheesh think with your brains people.

Posted by: E-Money at December 16, 2009 6:12 PM

I'm not a fan of Wonderful Christmas Time, but I don't want to tear off my ears when I hear it either.
This year I've managed to block out so much of the X-mas crap going on around me that the big day could probably come and go and I would be none the wiser.
I do really like Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses though. It's the Safety Dance of Christmas tunes.

Posted by: king at December 16, 2009 6:18 PM

MERRY HAPPY!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at December 16, 2009 6:27 PM

"I despise all things Christmas.
When I was a small boy, I loved the holiday. THE HOLIDAY. I loved the snow, the eggnog, the presents (duh). I LOVED it. THE HOLIDAY.
Then all of a sudden I started noticing that christmas commercials started earlier every year. I wondered if they always had or if I had only just noticed it. Then all of a sudden it was the whole month of December.
FUCK YOU, DECEMBER.
Then, all of a sudden it was right after Thanksgiving.
FUCK YOU, BLACK FRIDAY.
Then it started to be all of November, begining the day after f-ing Halloween (holiday supreme sweetness -- maybe I love candy and dressing up more than presents -- bears further evaluation).
For a while I was able to hang on to my love of THE HOLIDAY while despising the approaching months of Christmas glee. Eventually, I could not hold onto that joy any longer. The eggnog went sour (not just sour -- but SOUR, like Pascal says it in Pet Semetary). The songs became shrill, obnoxious, deviant cries of whailing horror, like the haunted cries of a thousand rotting Banshees. Even the gifts -- the precious gifts -- I came to resent.
I hate Christmas. All things Christmas. I hate THE HOLIDAY.

Posted by: superasente at December 16, 2009 5:27 PM"

I feel you superasente. The build-up towards Christmas is so massive that it can only result in a letdown. It's a ritual which should be followed to the letter fueled by a sherry-drunk imagination of christmases past where we imagine everything to be perfect. Frankly it's tiring.

Posted by: barf at December 16, 2009 6:28 PM

MERRY HAPPY!

Get him seasons 1 and 2 of The Squidbillies on DVD. Or just season 1 if he hasn't been THAT good of a brother this year. He'll like it.

Also, merry happy, y'all!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at December 16, 2009 6:28 PM

Oh - I forgot to bitch and moan. Can't let that happen so here goes:

I despise shopping. Hate it. There seems to be no product in the world that is what I have in my mind's eye to purchase. I went to the mall to get socks and they had piped in 'mintyness smell' the fricking bastards. I like mint just fine, but I felt like I was being smothered by a wreath the whole damn time. It makes me wrathy when they start pushing me.

That said, I have found plenty of cool things, wasteful, useless, things to buy my kids. It's the saving grace of the season for me - having little guys who are so into it and seeing them freak out over whether Santa will come and getting worked up about getting to go mental all day with the cousins.

Mind you, I have about $100 to buy everything. Everything. It hurts. Hurts bad to be poor. I usually have to hand draw a million little personalized gifts and I have hand cramps and two hours sleep by the time I have to cook the 17 lb Turkey my mom gets. Solo. Oh well. It turns out great in the end.

I don't ever listen to radio, and I don't watch tv. That, I recommend to purge the oversell. Go hard on your netflix (I don't have that, but approve heartily) and carefully construct the best safe zone you possibly can.

Posted by: replica at December 16, 2009 6:42 PM

Malls. Parking lots. Department stores that don't really have sensibly organized departments. People. Oh, how I hate people.

Christmas is a week away. This is not the time for wandering the malls aimlessly at the slowest pace possible, walking three or four people wide, mincing around in your dumbass four inch pointy heels, dragging your screaming three year old around on a five foot leash, or congregating in large groups in the middle of the concourse.

Listen to me. If you are not shopping with a purpose then GET THE FUCK OUT.

As for the brother gift, get him something nostalgic. I am seven years older than my brother so I used to read bedtime stories to him a lot. A few years ago I got him a special edition of his favorite story by our favorite childrens' author. We're not a touchy feely kinda family so it was a nice way of saying "Hey jackass, I kinda love you" without being all in your face sentimental.

Posted by: neurotica at December 16, 2009 6:44 PM

"Also, Christmas time is the most lonely time in the year if you happen to be alone."

It's also a helluva lot of fun if you found out a week ago you're getting D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D. On the one hand, there's... well, actually there's nothing on the one hand, now that the ring has taken up residence in a toiletry bag.

POLICE NOPPY DOT!

[...long sigh, followed by sound of Zippo setting fire to Nativity Scene...]

Posted by: Skitz at December 16, 2009 6:51 PM

How can anyone not like Elf? Communist is right.

So, funny story. The first time I ever watched Elf, my boyfriend at the time put about a 1/2 pound of pot in the spaghetti sauce that he made for dinner. Thing is he didn't actually tell anyone. So about 30 minutes after dinner, we're watching Elf and I am cracking the hell up and suddenly I stop and realize "Oh my God I'm high", which was hilarious in itself & when everyone else started to realize they were too...well okay this is turning into one of those "you had to be there" stories.... Anyway I'm not saying this has anything to do with why I love this movie, because come on! How can you hate Buddy the Elf?

Why are you smiling?
Oh I always smile, smiling's my favorite!

Posted by: ashes at December 16, 2009 6:53 PM

Elvis' Blue Christmas - I can't shut that damn Verizon commercial off fast enough. Paul McCartney is a close second, but he doesn't quite have me screaming.

Your brother has probably never seen Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. Buy a copy, invite him over for some rum, a video, and a slice of that lemon chiffon cake, then send him home the next day (because likely he will have had more than one rum) with the leftover cake and rum. Do the same next year - it can become a thing!

I know that would make me pretty happy...

Posted by: funtime42 at December 16, 2009 7:21 PM

I can't stand Will Ferrell and would happily put a bullet right between his beady little eyes. So even though I fell for all the hoopla years after all the hoopla, when I tried to watch it last night I had to shut it off after about ten minutes (and delete it from my DVR).

Meanwhile, it would be nice Miss S. if you gave us any information about your brother - even some little tidbit like whether he is 12 or 43.

Going on nothing, I suggest this popsicle maker. If he's 12, he can make fruit pops, and if he's 43 he can make beer and whiskey pops.

Posted by: Cindy at December 16, 2009 7:25 PM

Friends, Romans, may I suggest some Christmas music a friend called "like if Nick Cave's sister did a Christmas album." Or maybe Mazzy Star.

May I present... Virginia Mary

Posted by: Sara at December 16, 2009 8:03 PM

Elvis' Blue Christmas - I can't shut that damn Verizon commercial off fast enough. Paul McCartney is a close second, but he doesn't quite have me screaming.

funtime42 I worked at a christmas store one year and that song still makes me twitch. There's a commercial with it? Thank God for Tivo!

Posted by: mswas at December 16, 2009 8:05 PM

Heh. Whiskey pops.

Posted by: superasente at December 16, 2009 8:06 PM

Don't try to tell me that having Zooey Deschanel and Peter Dinklage in that movie makes it any better. It makes it worse because now I have to weep for two of my favorite people ever slumming it for scraps from Will Ferrell's table.
Suck it, Sarina. I don't believe in Elf.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 16, 2009 8:11 PM

"Fight Club."

Make a man of him.

You're welcome.

Posted by: , at December 16, 2009 8:13 PM

Liberation for Christmas?

Skitz wins.

Posted by: , at December 16, 2009 8:15 PM

Oh, and I don't mind the pop Christmas songs, but ... did you ever actually read the lyrics to "The First Noel"? Actual insipids could not write lyrics more insipid. Then actual morons tried to match the words with the music, and ...

Ugh.

Worst. Christmas. Song. Ever.

Posted by: , at December 16, 2009 8:22 PM

While playing the game TABOO, I was supposed to get my gf to say the word "elf" --
ME: The shitty Will Ferrell movie!
HER: Which one?!
ME: Uh...
For a long moment, I couldn't think of another word to use. It was a sad time.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at December 16, 2009 8:51 PM

P.S. Socks. Your brother will always be in need of socks.
P.P.S. I survive the holidays by playing "Blue Christmas" as sung by Porky Pig. The Jameson helps, too.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at December 16, 2009 8:53 PM

I'm laughing at what a miserable lot we all can be during this happy christmas time. We'll just get drunk and watch our favourite movies and try to shut out anything which the masses do or say. The misanthropy gets more intense day after day around these parts!

Elf rocks. Was on T.V the other day and laughed my way through it.

Posted by: barf at December 16, 2009 9:27 PM

I hate Christmastime because no one knows how to include the Muslims. Seriously, I do. The Muslim "winter solstice" holiday is NOT RAMADAN. Where I lived in the UAE, it was Eid al-Adha and I don't think it's any different anywhere else.

Eid al-Adha, motherfuckers. Eid Mubarrak ("happy Eid!") is all you need.

Posted by: ziggy at December 16, 2009 9:37 PM

Hey ziggy. I'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination but what's this about not including the muslims enough. When you live in a muslim country you get muslim shit and when you live in a catholic country you get catholic shit. I don't think that's hard to understand. The world isn't as globalised as some people would like to believe. Even McDonalds, the ultimate symbol of globalisation, in different countries cater to different tastes with little tweaks on their menus. At least western countries where islam was never the majority religion are generally doing better in accepting muslims in their society. They can build mosques, pray, celebrate their festivities and whatnot.

Can you imagine how boring it would be if we all had to have the same rituals, beliefs and festivities? There's no point in visiting another country! When in Rome do as the Romans do.

Posted by: barf at December 16, 2009 9:48 PM

Hey Ziggy, I've totally heard of Eid. Happy Eid, dude!

I *knew* I watched Little Mosque on the Prairie for a reason: its educational value.

Posted by: meaux at December 16, 2009 10:02 PM

Well, if you want to make it easy, you can always get him a gift card to Best Buy, or iTunes if he has an i-pod. Or just give him money.

I'm especially proud of the present I got my little bro this year -- a genuine prop from Battlestar Galactica! It's a press pass. I was rather inordinately pleased about that one.

I am at a complete loss as to what to get his fiancee, though.

Posted by: linny at December 16, 2009 11:26 PM

Hey Skitz--

I got unceremoniously dumped by my ex-husband shortly before Christmas one year, too. But! He was Muslim and hardcore against having any sort of Christmas celebrations in our home even though it was one of the biggest things I missed.

When I moved out, got that big-ass tree, and piled presents under it for my three year old? Best Christmas of my life, and fuck a jackass who could never see the value in compromise.

You're gonna be just fine.

Posted by: Jackie Joy at December 16, 2009 11:39 PM

My God, what a bunch of dreary holidy-hating motherfuckers we have here. You're free to hate Christmas and its attendant irritations as much as you like, but I just don't see the point, unless you have a legitimate reason, like the holidays mark the anniversary of something terrible happening to you.

To me there are few things more beautiful than the idea that during the coldest, darkest time of year, you make a point of making your world bright and beautiful, and filling up your dark little cynical heart with hope and love and reflection on just how good you have it, even if you don't have it so good.

Every shitty Christmas song cover ever is just annihilated by the ritual of gathering together with the parents and the bro, going to church at 11pm, singing the old classic hymns with the organ, hearing the readings, and lighting the candles for Silent Night. I picture that mass of hopeful faces, lit only by the candles they hold in defiance of the cold hopeless dark, and I can't help but tremble, be silent, and be content.

I know many will disagree, but I don't care. The above is my experience and mine alone. But this time of year I'll always swallow hope over cynicism, even if its sprinkled on a big plate of tripe.

Posted by: Tarted-Up Corpse at December 17, 2009 12:54 AM

Ziggy, There is no Muslim winter solstice holiday. The Muslim holidays are on the lunar calendar and move ahead 10 days every year. Some years, holidays on the Muslim, Jewish and Christian calendars overlap, but that's a co-incidence. Iranians (not Muslims in general) celebrate the winter solstice (by getting together and eating, of course). Meanwhile, I do know what you mean about people not knowing how to react to Muslims at Christmas. Some people are inclusive, and others insist you eat ham and watch White Christmas. Find good friends and enjoy their company and the spirit of brotherhood.

Sarah, if this is the brother who got a birthday party recently, I think you should get him Anne Murray's Christmas CD. Seasonal and special.

Posted by: Girl With Curious Hair at December 17, 2009 1:13 AM

Tarted-Up-Corpse, I think I love you.

Seriously, that comment was right on par with Tiny Tim's "God bless us, every one," and "Virginia, there really IS a Santa Claus."

You're right, it's easy to forget or miss the magic of Christmas and the true human moments of joy, selflessness, and wonder that occur this time of year, especially when it can get buried under a solid layer of commercialism on the one hand and cynicism on the other.

Here's to keeping the Christmas spirit.

I also think it's hilariously delightful that such an incredibly heartfelt and wonderful sentiment was expressed by someone with such a delightfully filthy username. It gives one hope.

Posted by: linny at December 17, 2009 1:20 AM

Girl With Curious Hair you see far and clear. Well done!

Posted by: replica at December 17, 2009 3:25 AM

ok, i skipped ahead and didnt read the whole blog, or any comments, i just saw some words about mccartneys wonderful christmas time and came out swinging. i thought maybe there was a kill party and brought cans of gas.

just play it, i dare you, i am armed.

Posted by: idleprimate at December 17, 2009 6:52 AM

I love Christmas music. There isn't too much about the season that makes me nuts...all except one thing.
Ann Murray.
I want to murder her in the face. Whoever told her she could carry a tune was sadly mistaken.
The people who decide to play her wretched music on the radio this time of year should be strung up by their toenails.
There are other artists who make bad Christmas music, but nobody makes me as violent as Ann Murray.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at December 17, 2009 7:31 AM

PS I love Wonderful Christmastime. It's one of those songs I heard on the radio as a kid and it always takes me back to happy memories.
Go ahead and hate on me. Your Christmas can suck it.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at December 17, 2009 7:36 AM

HATE HATE HATE Wonderful Christmastime. Makes me stabby. And now it's stuck in my head. I like Christmas well enough; I just can't tolerate sucky music, or someone so lazy he composes one line, repeats it endlessly and calls it a song.

Reminds me of waiting in line at CVS and they had one of those motion activated, light-up, singing animatronic Santas right in front of the pharmacy counter, so the bastard was belting out tunes constantly while waving his plastic arms around. The pharmacy clerks all had this gleam of manic desperation in their eyes, and I fully expected to hear about one of them going postal on the evening news. I suspect this Santa was taken around back to the alley after the holidays and violated repeatedly before being dashed to bits like the printer in Office Space.

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 17, 2009 8:16 AM

Also, reading back over some of the comments, I don't think we have a bunch of haters here. There are aspects to the holidays that are definitely unpleasant (like the crass commercialism), and people like to bitch about it. And most do so with a lot of humor. I was mostly snickering while reading; if you're seeing a lot of hate here, it might have more to do with you than the comments.

I seriously do not get how freaked out some people get over shopping. I restrict my gift-giving to only a few people, and since we're not jerks, we don't freak if we don't get the perfect gift, or tally up how much we all spent on each other. We focus on decorating and making our homes more cheerful during the onset of winter, and baking cookies to pass out so we all get fat together.

If you're so stressed that you're snapping at people and trying to run them off the road so you can get to the mall 15 seconds faster, you're doing Christmas wrong. If you're pissed by people saying "Happy Holidays," you're also completely missing the point. This is a time to celebrate being with friends and family, regardless of your religion.

I also second ThinkGeek as a great place to shop, especially for guys. They have all sorts of fun gadgets there, and some are actually useful. It's like a toy store for grown-ups.

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 17, 2009 8:37 AM

The feeling I get when I listen to "Wonderful Christmastime" is the same feeling I get when some dumb skank mashes her giant rock-hard leather purse into my kidneys on the 6 train in the morning and then stomps on me with her fashion-forward stiletto on her prissy way out.

So, you know, wrathful.

Posted by: DawnDraper at December 17, 2009 9:59 AM

Any Muslims or friends of Muslims, how do you pronounce the Eid holiday? I don't want to say it wrong to people and sound like a douche! To me it looks like "Eee-yd" but I could be way off.

Posted by: scorzi at December 17, 2009 10:09 AM

Scorzi, the pronunciation actually differs between countries. In Farsi, we pronounce it almost like 'aid'; Pakistanis 'eed' and I can't for the life of me remember the proper Arabic (origin of the word) pronunciation. Regardless of how you say it, people are generally happy that you're making an effort--you wouldn't sound like a douche.

Posted by: Girl With Curious Hair at December 17, 2009 1:04 PM

Well, I'm somewhat confused as to the subject of this Diversion, but that could be because I had my office Xmas lunch today, and I drank most of it. Also, there is an errant bottle of Orstralian Merlott on my desk, calling my name.
Anyway.
I can't stand that McCartney Xmas song. In fact, the only Xmas song I like is the Pogues 'Fairytale of New York'. It's ossum. It has scumbags and maggots and cheap lousy faggots. What's not to love?

Buy your brother a blow-up sex doll. If he doesn't like it for teh sex thing, he can use it to cheat on the passenger car lane thing.

Posted by: tarn at December 17, 2009 1:41 PM


















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