Pajiba

I really love that burning sensation, how can I make it last?

Also, fuck my internet. We ditched our cable and as retribution, our internet is sucking.

"My dick is too big!"

That thing you did with the cat doesn't bother me at all.

My Internet/cable provider blows. Fuck FiOs, really.

A sentence that's never been said before... since I just saw a Levitra commercial (FOX is so classy, huh?)...

"If you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours, call everyone you know!"

"What do you mean no? I want to pay my taxes!"

Is there a way to stop orgasms? I don't like them.

Katherine Heigl really is a sweet, wonderful wo......Fuck it! I just can't do it!

Kanye West is such a class act. I wish more celebrities could be like him.

And the winner is... Pauly Shore!

Haha, thanks Jessica! I won't top that, I know, but I think there's a few more in me:

The kazoo is underrated.

BEST pap-smear evar!

Who stole my kimchi?

It's just a little barf - no worries.

Bethers, I beg to differ. I got the ass and my best friend doesn't, and she's always complaining that hers is too small and wishes that it was as big as mine. So you're gonna have to try again, I'm afraid.

My contribution:

Glenn Beck is perhaps the wittiest, most intelligent, insightful, compassionate, and rational news personality yet seen in our generation.

Lynch: I actually have said that I think the speed limit is too high, especially in places like the neighboring state of Oklahoma where it's 75.

tinmo, i'm IN oklahoma and drive like a granny. a steady stream of rednecks flying past me at breakneck speeds on wet/icy roads is no less than thrilling.

"I used to believe that the collapse of the World Trade Center was a controlled demolition and that they faked the moon landing but then I realized that people are just too damn incompetent to pull off conspiracies on that scale, sorry I bothered you about it."

A man can dream...

s. pisaster

That made me laugh pretty hard.

...and then cry a little.

Keep fucking those chickens.

Oh, wait. Never mind.

I need to re-evaluate my political leanings in light of your informative opinion.

ENOUGH with all the lesbian sex - I'm trying to study!

You better break out those vacation (birth, elementary school performance) tapes when I come over!

I've had enough world of warcraft for one day.

"From their relatively inauspicious beginnings, Good Charlotte went on to develop into one of the most influential and beloved groups of the early 21st century."

This blowjob is BORRRIIIING!

"On second thought, posting embarrassing pictures of my drunk friends on Facebook is just irresponsible."

"Adam Sandler made history tonight, when he became the first actor awarded the Oscar in the newly-created "Here's A Statue, Now Shut Up And Go Away" category - narrowly beating out Rob Schneider, Lindsay Lohan and Eliza Dushku."

"We're going to need a toilet brush, tape, three rubber erasers, and about a gallon of Anal Ease."

"If a fat kid dies does a panda laugh?"

"You're vagina is way too tight."

"If only I could have an blind albino baby without any legs."

"I love picking hair out of my teeth after performing cunnilingus."

"Darth Vader was an emo teen with mommy issues"

Oh, wait..

I just came back from spending a lovely night in a Tijuana jail cell.

"The best part of shaving one's genitals is splashing on the aftershave."

"How can one ever return to vanilla sex after being introduced to auto-erotic defenestration?"

"Her insistence on receiving anal sex is what ultimately led to our break-up."

"I am short, overweight, hairy, lazy, unhygienec, parolee, with 6 kids from 5 baby daddies, who shares needles, stabbed my last boyfriend, and I'm a 4 out of 10."

-- female's eharmony ad.

L.O.V.E., we appear to be on the same page.

Well, if you're not trying to get laughs, this game is absurdly easy.

Observe:

"I crush wine grapes with meat tenderizers."

Innocuous, yet what are the odds that sentence has been typed before?

When you go back out on that football field in the second half, guys, I want you to forget about all the details of executing plays and simply to remember the intricate workmanship of all the lovely doilies we have embroidered together.

I am so stoked to be giving birth without any drugs whatsoever! I hope I rip from vadge to asshole so that I can really experience this natural birth fully!

"The way Michael Bay artfully uses explosions and tits as criticism of our overconsumerist, instant gratificationist culture demonstrates his brillance untouched by any contemporary director."

"It's my honor to present this Nobel Prize for Medicine for her continued work in preventing the spread of STD's to Paris Hilton!"

I dunno, HotMustard - that sounds like something that Armond White would put into one of his reviews with a total lack of irony.

Dill, that is quite easily the most depressing thing I've heard all week. I don't think my fingers will ever be the same after typing it...

"Hey, we're really sorry about all that email spam we've sent you--we're quite sure your penis is perfectly adequate--so we've taken the liberty of permanately removing you from our lists and getting real jobs."

"Celine Dion for Presedent!"

Paris Hilton's sex tape is great and all, but I wish it had been Nikki instead, shes a stone cold fox.

"And thus, Dustin Rowles ceased to adore Ryan Reynolds."

Charlie Weis clearly knows what he's doing.

I bet that's actually being said somewhere after today's game!

Biker Fox is actually a pretty normal and attractive man.

"Mr. Lucas, that is a terrible, terrible idea."

If only...

"I'm gonna be totally honest, anal might be a tad uncomfortable at first.."

"I REALLY hate big, juicy, tits, they are gross, brah..."

"Keith Richards is dead"

Wow, that Jason Statham sure is a pussy, huh?

"No Mr. Jackson, I won't operate on your nose again."

(Too soon?)

"You guys should really go see the latest Lars von Trier movie. It's so uplifting, it will make your entire month."

"Your uterus DOES belong to you! Our bad."

I expect at least seven of the 10 EEs to come out of this thread.

None of these will be in EE, as that damn lazy, lazy Figster seems to need "personal time" on the weekends. The nerve! I am fully doubting her commitment (to Sparkle Motion).

Of course I know how HTML tags work...

soylent green is vegan.

"Hey, where the Djiboutian women at?"

"No. It's definitely my own damned fault. I really ought to own up to my mistakes and take responsibility for my actions."

"The Pajiba commenters never use any profanity and keep all of their subject material family friendly."

"Oh Doctor, I just love it when you insert that cold, slime covered, squeaky, metal speculum into my vagina, and then turn those screws that pinch my insides so you open me up like a can of tuna and get a good look. And after you are done and you walk out while I lie on the table feeling like a ten dollar hooker, I love to stand up and grab tissues trying to wipe up the goo so it doesn't drip all over my panties before I can get home. I'm counting the months 'till my next pap smear."

"Rosie O'Donnell's femininity glows on screen, like a modern day Audrey Hepburn..."

"I ran my dictionary through the blender and made alphabet soup."

"My name is Glenn Beck and I support gay marriage, universal healthcare, the liberal media, and Barack Obama."

Aw dammit, there are two other Glenn Beck ones. Oh well, great minds think alike when it comes to irrational douchebags I want to punch in the taint.

"Our on-site reporter is informing us that, YES Jeremy Piven has apparently.... yes, apparently, pulled his head out his ass, *can we get confirmation on this Tim?* *we are getting confirmation* YES! yes he has."

Sorry, these sentences keep popping into my brain:

"I think my sister should have sex with more guys."
"I want to grow my hair out like Weird Al's."
"Tree sloths should be domesticated."
"Dick Cheney's too trendy."

Sorry again. But soon I'll be too drunk to post any more. Also, ironically, I can't find my pants.

"I'm constantly charmed by the warm social interactions that occur on public transit; that's why i refuse to buy a car."

when the kobe hears`s no stop, of course he stops...yeah right.

"The new star wars trilogy was so way better than the originals"

"No Mr Reynolds. You have nothing to fear from this Rowles character."

"Ms Hayek/Graham/Tilly, please put you clothes back on. Nobody is going to want to see you writhing around naked with another woman."

"Bella realized that Edward was a needy, borderline abusive tool, on top of being a a blood-drinking monster, and decided it just wasn't worth it."

"This Post-It tastes like Germany."

"Scathing reviews. Bitchy people. Tonight on FOX!"

Jesus christ, that is far too much to read right now. But I need to let people know how awesome I am. So I went with some friends to the Halfway to St. Patrick's Day celebration tonight. It was a block party type deal. Only this one bar wold not let us out even though we had wristbands and plastic cups. But I, being the fucking badass that I am, led everyone out through a secret back way that involved the removal of a fence panel. We continued to use this escape route throughout the night. And now I'm home and passing out.

Free health care for all!

Lady GaGa is so underrated...probably because her style is so subdued.

I don't know why, Vermillion, but that Post-It one has me cracking the fuck up.

"When I get old and incontinent, I want to be just like Vermillion."

P.S. Thanks, BierceAmbrose! It was a toss-up between tree sloths and spider monkeys. Tree sloths won because they're, you know, slower. And slothful.

Probably because, as everyone knows, Post-It Notes taste like Papua New Guinea.

Posted by: Vermillion at September 20, 2009 1:12 AM
---------------------------------------------------
YOU LIE!

"TRUE SOTRY!"?

Lauren, I think you are drunk.

"The Cleveland Browns have won their 2nd-straight Super Bowl!"

or

"Gosh, I wish I could take parenting lessons from Dina Lohan. She is an amazing mother."

That second one made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Can nobody else hear Ralph Wiggum saying "This Post-It Note tastes like Germany"? Surely it's not just me.

Erm, sentence? Try this one:

Carleton's journalism program features a perfectly reasonable amount of work per semester, and students will enjoy the personal responsibility that their massive amounts of free time grants them. You will not wish to kill yourself, or wonder if you somehow already have and are now in hell, by the end of your fourth year. We appreciate your business.

7 more months, just 7 more months. And NO, they don't teach you what a sentence is in j-school because you're supposed to already know. I am well aware the above is more like a paragraph. Substitute some semi-colons for the periods and we're good to go. Leave me alone.

There's more than one Carletonite on Pajiba? Amazing!

Dustin and co - you are no longer coming up in the world. You may consider yourself upped.

"i love keeping conventional hours, and by conventional hours, i mean up at all hours, and i don't have to worry, via the internet someone is always up. . .not"

"I, BarbadoSlim, believe that Star Trek is the greatest motion picture ever to appear on the silver screen and that actor Chris Pine has given us the definitive portrayal of Captain James T. Kirk."

Colorless red ideas sleep furiously.

Nice, Muzz. I have an idea that's what we're 'apposed to be doing.

Jar Jar Binks is one of the greatest cinematic characters ever, joining the ranks of Don Vito Corleone, Travis Bickle, and Daniel Plainview.

President Obama takes the podium:

"Did I say free healthcare? I meant free hookers."

I have no opinion on this subject.

"after i disemboweled myself i molded new intestines from tofu and silly putty to avoid unnecessary attention and criticism"

followed by a sentence that has been written many many times:

"stupid monkey"

It's said that more and more celebs and rich singles have profiles and their sexy photos on ~~~~~~_____WealthySocial.COM____~~~~~~The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs... You should check it right now~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, Amy Winehouse, the world's oldest person at 133, died peacefully in her sleep at her home near London today.

Today, Amy Winehouse, the world's oldest person at 133, died peacefully in her sleep at her home near London today.

That might actually happen. Two words: Keith Richards.

"I've tried heroin a few times, it's just not for me."

"You can only shoot so many zombies in the head before it starts to get boring."

"No, Mr. Downey Jr., that would be taking advantage."

no one ever accused paula abdul of abusing prescription meds!

aww, Lwa'e', you'll always be MY eloquent.

you hear that everybody? NOBODY TOUCH.

"OMGZ, Y'all! AT&T is THE BESTEST Internet Service Provider EV-AR!"

I just love Comcast. They are the best ISP ever.

I love my cell phone service provider.

Kanye West is a polite and soft-spoken man.

"This year's winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature is: Dan Brown!"

"I thought my hospital bill was totally reasonable."

"If you like to study everyday and have no life, apply to med school!"

"This is your first time using a speculum? I'm impressed!"

When I watch the Teen Choice awards I feel relieved knowing the teens of today will eventually become the leaders of tomorrow

I can't wait for Saw 14 to come out

"According to Jim" is this decades funniest tv show

Today on The View the ladies had a sensible and intelligent conversation about politics. They really made me think.

And before anybody writes a word, "root bear" was not a typo. You fucking figure it out.

"It was a dark and stormy night when I got out the ruler to reassure Mother that the nipples were perfectly even and she should stop bothering the plastic surgeon."

Oh, wait, that's my entry for the Bulwer-Lytton contest.

"Peanut butter, because motorcycles don't have doors."

"I swear I just shit a tie-dyed Twinkie after gorging on Skittles, Mountain Dew and pound cake!"

"Let's have a weekend film festival featuring movies by Michael Bay, Uwe Boll and Paul W.S. Anderson!"

"40 Grit sandpaper works far better than that fucking Charmin ever did!"

Since TK isn't here to defend himself:

"No, really. I don't need the zombies I've been keeping in my basement. You take them Mr. Nice Government Man."

"I'm all yours gp."

Essentially, the platypus is so tough, it said "Fuck you" to Mother Nature and her Extinction Squad and proceeded to become one of the few venomous mammals...

I love you, for now.

How the Hell did Larry The Cable Guy get so talented?

"...and it was about that time when Dick Cheney had a personal epiphany and realized he definitely had been an evil and colossal prick most of his life. Tearfully, he sat down in his armory and began composing the world's longest apology to everyone he had ever wronged, knowing full well he would never live long enough to complete the volumes required to achieve the forgiveness he needed to quench the guilt gnawing at his formerly arrogant soul."

I'll gloss your universe as soon as I remove this Volvo from my colon with a pair of divergent holocausts.

Even though you missed the deadline for the Kite Fucking Sweepstakes, please to enjoy some puma cakes on your way out of the Pol Pot Memorial Emergency Exit.

"I love you Conrad."

"Madonna has great arms."

"Nancy Grace always think about the victims and the cause for justice."